Tag Archives: love

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Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

Woke up from a Kundalini dream at 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. 

Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

I was visiting my heart connection. It seemed like he was showing me his past. This part of the dream is not as clear as the rest but I recall his mom being present and somehow knew we were in California. I have seen pictures of her and she was much younger in the dream and seemed vibrant and full of energy. It felt like he was showing me this part of his life to explain his connection to his mom. What I recall the most is that he was very preoccupied with the task at hand, his energy very active and rushed. 

The dream shifted to a more rural area (deeper emotional goal). It felt like rural Georgia and there was a sense that my heart connection was nearby and I was visiting him. I was taking two dogs (loyalty to two different aspects), one large and one small (seeking balance), for a drive down an unfamiliar road. As I drove the road suddenly shifted to a white dirt road (shift to subconscious). Something about seeing the dirt road caused me to worry I would get lost so I decided to slow down and find a place to turn around. I pulled into a half circle driveway to turn around and two older ladies approached me. My car disappeared (slower pace where I am more vulnerable and grounded) and I was now walking the dogs on leashes. The women were friendly, asking if I was from around there and while we talked the larger dog started to wander away. I noticed I had lost grip of its leash and I told the women, “I can’t chase him or he’ll run.” I explained to them how to get him to return and sure enough he circled around happily, greeted them with sniffs and sat down (I’ve learned not to force connections). 

Then I was inside an unfamiliar bedroom (shift from journey stage to one of waiting) laying on a large bed. It felt like I was in my heart connection’s bedroom (view of his inner world). I was clothed in a tank top and shorts laying mostly on top of the covers (not yet fully integrated). The room itself was dark (unconscious) in color and somewhat large. I believe there was a dresser with a mirror near the foot of the bed (self-reflection, inner truth). To my left was the door. I remember mulling over memories of a dream conversation I had with my heart connection prior to this moment in time. I only recall flashes of the dream here. There is a sense of his journey and movement or progression along a planned path. There was also a sense of his mindset and feelings to include that he still had some work to do in regards to the karma he was settling with his mother. 

Though I don’t remember it now I feel like the dream was overlaying another dream in which I was actually with him having this discussion. I’ve had this happen frequently in dreamtime.

At some point I pulled down the right side of my tank top (vulnerability, self-exposure). I don’t know why I did this. I have faint memory of having exercised and feeling hot only I never got up out of the bed. From my right I felt my heart connection come out of the shadows. He leaned over me. There was an immediate burning sensation in my heart chakra as if it was burning straight through me. The sensation was like the fire of desire I usually feel in the lower chakras only it was in my heart. He leaned over me, kneeling partially on the bed, and kissed me four times (grounding of the spiritual fire into reality), each time the fire in my chest grew seeming to expand and envelope us both. 

He ended up over the top of me and I suddenly felt exposed; naked. He was too and I could feel he was aroused. Concerned for him, I pulled in my left knee to block him getting any closer. I knew he wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready. He slowly withdrew, looked directly at me and said, “Thank you.” We shared a moment of mutual understanding and then he stood up. He was no longer naked but clothed (symbolizes getting back to work). Seeing his clothes, I immediately covered my exposed breast and said to him, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t mean to…”. Unconcerned, he walked to the door and began to leave, explaining he had to go but would come right back when he was done. I got the sense that he was going to finish his karmic work. It’s like he was explaining, “I am so close, just not quite done yet. I’ll come back, I promise.”

Him leaving was heart wrenching. The fire in my heart was burning but I was in agony. I couldn’t reconcile the longing I was experiencing with the Knowing that it was not yet time. I was also struggling with memory of the previous pain, the decimation I experienced, when he left the first time. The intensity of emotion and the heart fire woke me. 

Reflection

The first thing I felt was panic. Memory flooded in along with the question I had asked all those years ago and was asking again, “Why is this happening to me?” My guides were close and reminded me I had chosen this. Knowing flooded in and I felt the same agony I felt in the dream. All I could say to them was, “I can’t [do this again]”. 

Last summer I was told I had chosen the fast-track. So, so much has happened since then. I am just now feeling somewhat settled and steady. I am getting ready to make even more changes to my life, changes that I feel are more in alignment with who I am. It won’t be easy and I get that, but I was not expecting this. If the Kundalini returns it will most definitely complicate things.

If I am suppose to finish what was started, fine, I get it. Leaving work unfinished is unwise, especially work of this nature.

The dream gave me perspective I didn’t previously have. I understand where my heart connection is coming from and how he has changed. And boy has he changed! His energy is different, more decisive and confident. I cannot recall one dream with him in it from my past where he did what he did in this dream. He was always hesitant. Not anymore. It feels like he is stepping fully into his masculinity.

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Spontaneous Poetry

It has been a strangely revelatory day. I think I finally see some things clearer. Spontaneously, I made a voice recording in an attempt to describe what I was experiencing and below is what came out of my mouth:

I left you in my heart a long time ago.
Only echoes remain.
The distance just grew wider, yet
for some reason I remained.
It was only when I saw you,
truly saw what you could be,
that I decided to go the distance,
I decided to just be me. 

And then this:

In the darkness, in the sorrow,
wretched tangle of misery,
sprouts a leaf on the morrow from a twig that once was me.
A haze forms in the distance, 
a silhouette of something – a mystery, 
only as I gather strength, 
the courage to understand
does that figure slowly turn and look 
before fading into memory. 

And still more….

The shallow breath of a wretched heart
twisted and tangled up inside itself
begging to be freed
oozing from an unseen wound
bleeding notes of regret and abandon 
as it sings a warning to the future:
“Do not tread this way for the path has crumbled 
and is strewn with intolerance of what once was 
and never will be again”.

And finally:

I gave this one a title.

You & Me 

I saw you in myself today,
unseen, desperate, invisible.
No one heard you, no one saw,
when you crumpled to the floor
exhausted, your pleas gone unheard,
your heart broken, desperate to be touched.

I felt you in my tears today, never-ending, 
from a well deep within 
that was filled over the years
by my silence in the face of your agony.

I heard you in my voice today,
defiant and rebellious,
withstanding all forces 
with the last ounces of your strength, 
fist pounding, 
blood boiling, 
eyes wild,
choking on the whispers of the truth 
I couldn’t see.

I felt you in my heart today,
deep in the bottom, 
near the end of the path we traveled together.
There you will remain, 
wrapped in ribbon,
tied in string, 
bundled up 
until I’m ready to open the gift you left for me.

The first felt to be about my ex as I spoke but after I read it I feel it is about myself.
As are the two that follow, each a different aspect of my journey to this point in time.

The last is me recognizing myself in my ex; we are one and the same. I try to express it the best I can, but even now I feel the words are not enough. When I began to speak aloud “I felt you in my heart today”, I choked on tears and it took me a while to continue. That one was the kicker I think because I honestly didn’t think I had anything left in my heart for my ex.

What is interesting is that all of these words came to me independently of one another, without any consideration of what they would say when they came together.

All this because today I had to go through all my texts with my ex since January in preparation for the upcoming mediation. I was at work and somehow no one disturbed me. The time passed without me even noticing. By the end I felt transformed somehow. I think it was my looking at everything from outside of it that did it. 

Final takeaway (the gift perhaps?): I have always wanted my ex to truly SEE me. It seems I rarely saw him. How can I expect someone to see me if I refuse to see them first? 

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Therapy Revelations – Disorganized Attachment Style

I’ve had four sessions now. I find my sessions revelatory, not because of what my therapist says or asks but because of my responses. As a Self-Projected Projector my voice is my superpower. This last session I brought up my relationship with my mother when my therapist asked a few probing questions.

I usually need a couple of days to process my therapy sessions, sometimes longer. My therapist left me with some questions to ponder this time. Specifically she asked me to consider the injustice I felt both in childhood and am currently feeling with my failed marriage. She asked if I thought I could let go of that perceived injustice. She also asked me to consider why I felt I was a failure and why I tend to wait until I fail before I ask for help.

In considering her questions to me, I got to thinking a bit about attachment style because it seems to play a major role in my romantic relationships. I took the attachment style test a while back and I am disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) which is defined by the person’s strong desire to be close to someone but also a fear of getting close. About a year ago I did research into attachment style but really didn’t dive deep into it because it didn’t seem relevant. However, after yesterday’s session and a question by my therapist specifically asking me about my parents and if I felt safe with them, it became clear that my overall feeling of not being safe in life developed in my childhood and has been plaguing me since then. 

This attachment style developed mainly from my relationship with my mother but my father also played a role in it, of course. My mother was “hot and cold” with me. One minute she would be smiling, receptive and encouraging of love, hugs, snuggles and the next she would be upset or angry, yelling, or rejecting my attempts to hug, snuggle or love her. She also use to mock and humiliate me when she punished me and my siblings often even inviting my other siblings in to make fun of me or help punish me. For example, she had my older sister hold me down over the toilet bowl as she literally put soap in my mouth to “wash my mouth” of the bad word I said. Some of her behavior was also traumatic. For example, she use to threatened to leave me on the side of the road when we were driving in the middle of nowhere often pulling over and even opening the door. Other times she would threatened to leave me at the “all girls school” which was for “bad” girls like me. I remember feeling absolutely terrified of these things happening (I was very little, like 4-7yrs old). This creates a situation in a child where there is “fright without solution”. 

My father would often laugh when he punished us, especially if he was spanking us. He also threatened to not take me home during my visitation time with him. I usually didn’t want to visit him during his time with me but was forced to by my mom because the courts said she had to make me. He was really only this way during their divorce that I can recall. Prior to that I favored my father and would’ve called myself a daddy’s girl. Oh how I love him! I have fond memories of helping him work on his cars, him teaching me to ride my bike, and snuggling with him in bed early in the morning on school days. When he became his angry, vengeful self during the divorce, I watched the daddy I use to love turn into someone I was scared to be around.

My attachment style developed out of a push-pull dynamic around love. I want it desperately but I am also afraid of it because the love I grew up with was unsafe and unpredictable. This explains why I reacted how I did when I first experienced the Kundalini. It also explains why I have been told by many how I seem like “two different people”. I am this way in friendships and romantic relationships, always keeping a safe distance just “in case”. 

My ex is anxious attachment, I have no doubt. He got so desperate when I would withdraw that he resorted to coercion and other abusive tactics. Of course, my response would be to try and get as far away from him as I could, which I ultimately did with the divorce. I don’t know about my first husband. I think he may have been secure attachment because he always responded to my fearful avoidance with patience and acceptance. I also think he was secure attachment because I often found being with him “boring”, which I have since learned is a typical consideration of insecure attachment styles to attached individuals. Ha!

Once we recognize our attachment style we can use that awareness to recognize when we are acting out patterns that no longer help us. The fear I feel when I get “too close” is noticeable, always has been, and I have always acted on it. I think sometimes it was justifiable but many times it was not. I remember struggling in my first marriage because he was gone a long time. I had difficulty adjusting first to him leaving and then to him returning. I would get very avoidant and grumpy whenever he returned from his weeks long work assignments. He was always able to help me through it, though, and never made me wrong for being how I was. In my second marriage there was no help in adjusting whatsoever. Instead, my ex would panic and come on stronger, forcing hugs and closeness, and pointing out my flaws to make me feel shame for being how I was. There was no patience or acceptance of where my behaviors might have been coming from. He took it all very personally as if I was rejecting him or trying to be mean. The more I “rejected” him, the more coercive he became, the more I withdrew or reacted negatively and the cycle just continued and escalated to the point of becoming abusive. 

We were two wounded children acting out. That is it.  

I also notice that I tend to choose partners who work a lot and/or are gone a lot. This selection process happens subconsciously, of course. When my partner is around me for extended lengths of time I can get annoyed and agitated just because they are there. I often justify these feelings but honestly there is never a reason that makes sense.

Source

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Intellectualization

The energy of this new year feels really mental or, rather, thoughtful to me. Contemplative. I think it may be the lingering effects of the Cancer full moon. Reflecting on the past, especially related to family and relationships, is part of Cancer’s emotional energy. And that is what I have been doing. I couldn’t sleep because of it. My mind keeps trying to figure everything out, make sense of things.

My mind intellectualizes things in order to try to mitigate uncomfortable feelings I was taught to suppress as a child. Apparently this is a typical strategy adults like me use because it helped us cope as children. Imagine not being able to express certain emotions, being punished for expressing them and being put into your room in isolation to face them alone. It forces a person into their head. This is especially true for intelligent people. I was considered near genius level as a child with an IQ of 148. I learned recently that therapy seldom works with people like me because we are well aware of our patterns and why we are the way we are. If the therapist notices someone intellectualizes then they can teach them how to get out of the head and into the body to feel the emotion. I think that is what I need.

Anyway, I wondered about some things, looked deeper and caught a belief that might be inhibiting me. I have a belief that my ex is good and has good intentions so he couldn’t have been trying to control and manipulate me all along. I wondered if perhaps I was wrong and then all sorts of memory flooded my mind to prove that perhaps I am wrong and my ex did always have malintent. 

I had to write it in my phone notes to get to sleep. This is what I recalled:

My ex took my vulnerability and used it against me. He did this from the very beginning.

For example, he told my sister (the meth addict) when he was trying to fix the relationship between her, her husband and my mom, step-dad and I (and rest of the family). In this particular instance he was talking about my relationship with her. He told her he thought I was jealous of her and competing with her for our mom’s love. He confessed this to me, almost as if he was gloating about it, saying he did this to get her into ARC (Scientology term – Affinity,  Reality, Communication) with him. This just means he wanted her to think he shared her reality with him (form of manipulation). What he did was upsetting to me and I told him so and forbad him interfering anymore. I told him he was intentionally “stirring the pot” and it was not helpful. He denied it. I had told him about my early childhood issues with my sister in confidence. It was me saying “I can see I was like this as a child” but it was never meant to be used in the way it was.

Another example, when we were dating I confided in him some of the fantasy thoughts I had when I was angry, specifically about my ex-MIL and my cousin’s ex-BF (from my 20’s). I can be quite nasty in my fantasies when mad. I have confronted this part of my self and have made peace with it. My ex would bring up these in our discussions all the time and towards the end in our arguments to point out to me how evil I was. He would use deflection (change the topic I brought up to discuss to avoid having to confront it) and throw in such info as I confided in him early on. It was diabolical and I would call him out on it and he would get angry, yelling and sometimes throwing things. He did not like to get caught. 

Throughout our marriage he shared personal and very private, often sexual, information about our relationship with family and friends. He would later tell me he did it, seeming to brag, explaining it away or justifying it. Often times I would intuitively recognize the person he told this info to would change energy-wise when around me. I perceived something was off and would ask him and then he would confess. I doubt I got all the info he told them but the impact was obvious. He swore to stop doing it but never stopped. I discovered it so frequently I stopped confiding anything in him because I never knew who he would tell. 

He did all these things from the very beginning and I ignored my intuition which told me he was doing it purposefully. So, so many times I confronted him and he talked his way out of it, making me feel like I must be imagining it all. So, I chose to believe he didn’t mean to and dismissed my own inner Knowing. Now, however, I believe he was doing all of it consciously with the intent to turn people against me, his family, friends and even my own family. This was to isolate me and build himself up so that I would be less likely to leave him. I was already one to isolate myself, hermit that I am, so it was easy for him to further that isolation. Seemingly without support and with the confusion his purposeful gaslighting and deflection caused me, I did exactly what he wanted – I stayed and allowed him to continue unchallenged. I second-guessed myself all the time. I believed he was good and had good intention because if I entertained the idea he was the opposite then it would mean I made a mistake of letting someone like that into my life. Plus, he was so spiritual, etc., bettering himself, loved and liked by so many people, etc. Everything in reality said the opposite of what my intuition was telling me. Yet I ignored it.

I do think, now upon reflection of all this, that he may be a narcissist. My therapist seems to think so, anyway. I am ashamed of myself. I should’ve known better.  It sucks to recognize it now, so many years later, but it explains why he became so nasty, aggressive and abusive when I started to question him and set boundaries. It explains so much. 

My guides once said of my ex (years before I met him), “He will save you from yourself”. I can see now what they meant. I entered the relationship with low self-worth, not really knowing mySelf, full of fear, seeking someone to make decisions for me because making them myself was too difficult and scary, feeling lost, etc. I didn’t value myself, second-guessed myself, and was a people pleaser, shifting and changing to suit everyone but myself. When I had the heart opening in 2015 I was shown the lie and still couldn’t confront it. I saw through his “love” but because of the trauma of the situation I was unable to really digest and integrate all the info that was coming to me. It was only recently that I started to see and listen to my what my physical body and intuition was telling me all along. 

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Lucid Dream: Trapped Under a House

Eventful morning.

Lucid Dream: Yard Work

I woke up around 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep because of thoughts about current life events. I asked for help from my guidance who told me, “Everything will be okay. You are loved.” I somehow fell asleep right after.

I found myself standing in the front yard of a house in a subdivision. A man was walking towards me wearing gardening attire. He had a shovel in his hands and was wearing work gloves and a hat (maintenance happening). He held up his hand calling to me. I waited as he drew closer. He asked me about my yard and I told him I didn’t care about it, it was no longer my problem. He was all smiles and motioned to a blower vent (need to vent?) on the roof saying it hadn’t been working. I went up to it. There were two large, aluminum vents hanging over the edge. I flipped a switch on it and it began to blow. I told him, “Looks like it’s working to me.” 

I went inside the house. It had familiar components to it but was not any home I’ve ever lived in. Everything had a golden hue to it. When I walked in I was in a living area. Directly in front of me was the kitchen and dining area with a large table. The man followed me in. He was talking about some plants in the yard, specifically mentioning large burs (life’s annoyances) that would grow on them. I told him he must have meant the plants that flowered and the burs were their seeds.

He asked me about my plans for the day. I walked towards the kitchen island as I mentioned something about being at the island. This is where I began to get lucid. I knew I was dreaming but did not interrupt the dream with a thought or consideration, just noted it and let the dream continue.

The man sat down and began talking, rambling really, about things I no longer recall. He sat at the table and I recognized him. He was my ex. His face was clear and bright. One by one my children came into the room and sat at the table. Somehow they always migrated towards us when we were together in the kitchen. He mentioned how he was planning on doing a painting that day and went on about it for some time. 

I stared at him as his words went in one ear and out the other. I recognized what was playing out. It was the same thing, time and time again throughout our marriage. He would wake early, excited for the day, and immediately ask me what I had planned. Before I could respond he would go into his own plans, usually something that did not involve me or the children. Some kind of project or work that he alone took pleasure in. He never once considered how his plans might impact mine, if I had any, which I rarely did. He never once considered how, when he filled up his weekend with plans that didn’t involve us, I had no other option but to be the caregiver, housemaid, cook, etc. If I had any plans, they had to involve the children. He left me no other choice. If I objected to his plans, citing how I needed a day off to do nothing, he would immediately dismiss it, saying his plans trumped my “no plan” because he had a plan. 

In the dream I decided I was not going to stand there and listen. I invited my youngest child to come with me outside. His hand in mine, we walked out the front door. It was bright outside. The lawn’s vivid green and the sky’s bright blue making the scene somewhat surreal. I asked him, “Do you want to fly with me?” He looked up at me and nodded he did. I noticed he was completely naked and approximately 2 years old. I leaped up into the air with him and hit a wall. Pushed back to the ground I laughed and he laughed with me. That is when I noticed a man walking towards us. He was dark haired and unfamiliar. He had a straight face but for some reason it felt like he came to take my son. I reach down and picked him up, never losing eye contact with the man. As I turned to leave, I was pulled into my sleeping body. 

I woke up and lingered in bed a while still heavy with sleep. I asked for another lucid dream. I fell into a dream almost immediately.

Lucid Dream: Trapped Under the House

This one was short because of how odd the scene was that I came into. I was back in the house. The golden color persisted. In front of me, laying naked (vulnerability) and wet (emotion) on the floor, was my ex. He was face down but had twisted his neck and torso so that he was looking at me. It looked like the house (life situation, self, family) had fallen on him (lost control). The wall was sitting on his back at chest level and he was flailing about with his arms trying to scoot himself out from under it. I asked him, “What are you doing? Why are you wet and…are you naked?” I thought about helping him and imagined going outside to pull him out by the legs. When I imagined this I thought of him being naked. As soon as I rejected the idea of confronting him naked I came back to my body.

A song was going through my head, these words specifically:

“All that we want, all that we need, they’re different things…”. This is from Non-Believer by London Grammar. The song explores the disconnect between desires and necessities in relationships. Highlighting confusion and disillusionment when what seems good isn’t actually what’s truly good for us.

I don’t know the meaning of the song for me. Was it about what my ex is experiencing since he was trapped under a house? Maybe. 

Short Dream/Vision

I fell asleep briefly and saw a person with my purse (self-worth, identity) standing at a windowed opening like what you would find at a front desk check-in. The person had my purse open and was picking out tiny colored pieces and sticking them together to make something. It reminded me of Legos. As I prepared to ask them what they were doing with my purse I woke up. 

Reflection

I believe the dreams provided insight as to work I’m doing in dreamtime. I believe the first ended prematurely because I was unwilling to go through something I had experienced time and time again in my relationship. Perhaps there was something I needed to realize but I never did because I left?

The second dream reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. It’s significant that the house had fallen on my ex and trapped him under it. Perhaps he feels trapped by his current situation in life? Or maybe the house is a reflection of me and I have him trapped somehow? Him being wet and naked indicates his current state. He is in an emotional situation both with his new girlfriend and in ending his relationship with me. I don’t think he has actually taken time to grieve it. He may feel vulnerable as a result. I opt not to help him, which is indicative of how I feel currently in regards to him. I wouldn’t help him if he asked because I know if I did he would try to manipulate me and pull me back into the mess I worked so hard to extricate myself from.

The last mini-dream is significant to me because it symbolizes the process of putting myself back together. I think the check-in window is also significant indicating a willingness to move forward.

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Vision: Firefighter Holding a Baby

Woke around 4am and had a vision of a firefighter holding a baby. I recalled in that instant that I’d seen this vision before, only forgot it. When I saw the vision I felt to be the baby. The sense was I was safe and loved. I wondered what the vision might mean and returned to sleep.

Dream: Take it Slow 

I was with a group of people traveling together. I looked at them all and saw a visual of all of us connecting at a spiritual level. This kinda looked like a huge orgy except there was no sex happening, just connection as each one would move from one to another, touch for a moment and move on. It felt right to me – like things should be. I was moving a load of what I think was bottled water when I told the group about my vision and suggested we try it. I got some brief glances from a few but it seemed no one heard me so I let it go.

The scene shifts and I am walking alone in a mall. The coloring of the scene in golden in contrast to the previous scene which was various shades of gray. My feeling is a bit sad and dejected. I feel lonely and long to express what I saw in the vision. I think I vaguely recall an older, female “teacher” there. She had short, 80’s styled blonde hair (think Jane Fonda) and she gave off mother vibes. I don’t remember direct communication from her but understood that she was there to keep me company and listen.

I noticed ahead of me a super, extra long, twin-sized bed display (think double the normal length). The top cover was disturbed and the bed needed to be made. I went up to it and pulled the comforter straight, adjusting it and making it just right. I looked it over and noticed the cover had characters on it and was brightly colored, like something a very young child might have on their bed. I laid down in the center, proud of my accomplishment. 

Out of nowhere a man approached. I recognized him (both in the dream and from other dreams). He said, “What you said before…I know you don’t think anyone heard you, but I did.” Then he sat down and held out his hand and said, “I will [connect with you]”. He gently reached over and held my hand and I looked up at him, relieved. I vaguely recall what he looked like here – light hair, long, angled features, wide eyes that were aged with laugh lines. He was plain but pleasant looking. We kissed. Awkwardly at first and then a couple more times.

The dream seems to split into two scenes at this time. In the first, we get tangled up in the newly made bed as we make out. In the other, the older female “teacher” brings us a meal to share. As we make out in the one scene, touching one another similarly to how young, inexperienced couples might, we are presented with the meal and start enjoying the meal together. I don’t remember what we ate, only that as I ate it, I could feel our mutual touching and kissing very physically. As we kissed and touched I heard a voice from within say, “Take it slow.” I understood all at once what this meant and withdrew when the electric touches (when I touched him I felt them, too!) started getting more intense, intense to the point that I knew I may not want to stop. 

When we stopped we got up and returned to the group. He reached for my hand and I took it as we joined them. The other members paused, some staring, but all smiling. One girl whispered to another, “Look”. The overall sense from the group was they were pleased. 

It honestly felt very much like I was in middle school in that moment. There was such a newness to it, like I had never kissed or touched like that before. The group’s approval was very important to me. There was fear and excitement and anticipation and nervousness and more all at once.

The scene shifts and me and the man are sitting at a table. The teacher woman is preparing to bring us another meal. For some reason the man is at another table. As the food is brought out I am shocked at how much there is. It looked like a huge plate of Chinese food, like sesame chicken. I remember thinking to myself, “That is a lot of food” and knowing the implications of it. 

The man asks the woman to help him determine how much of a white substance should be put into a drink. I recognize the white liquid to be alcoholic. The woman tells him to put it away because it was not appropriate. He listens and sets down the jug.

The woman approaches me. I have a soda in my hand and she starts to pour a black liquid into it. A bit too much falls in and she apologizes and says she will get me another drink. I take a sip. Licorice. I tell her it is just fine. I like licorice. 

The food is ready and the man and I are set to eat. I begin to feel trepidation at the sight of such a large quantity of food. I know if I start to eat it, I won’t be able to stop. 

I wake and a guide is close. We discuss the dream and its meaning. 

Interpretation

The firefighter holding the baby is symbolic of protection of innocence. A firefighter symbolizes the need for external help in dealing with overwhelming emotional situations. A baby is innocence, newness, inexperience and naivety. 

The beginning of the dreams is reminiscent of something I recall from my past, after the Kundalini and experiencing Union, albeit briefly, with another. I remember thinking, “I want to do this with everyone!” I felt that Union should be experienced by everyone and I wanted to experience it with as many people as I could. In an OBE around that time I was cautioned on being this way by having a white cloth thrown over my naked body. 

The mall scene seems to be my internal space where I feel safe. The unmade bed is indecision and lack of progress. That I make the bed indicates a willingness to move forward. The bed covering having childish images is reflection of my inexperience. Similarly, my experiences with the man reflect the newness of the experience for me and the caution I received is to warn me not to go too fast. In the past, when it went fast I got overwhelmed. The Chinese food symbolizes the desire for new experiences and adventure. Alcohol is lowering inhibitions. Licorice symbolizes the joy and the enjoying of simple pleasures in life.  

Messages

Yesterday, I had been feeling a bit down. I felt a deadness about life and wished I could once again feel alive. At that time, I passed a sign that said, “Walk-Ins Welcome”. The song playing was Alter Ego. Time slowed and I took note.

When I went to bed I asked to have the message clarified. The above dream and vision was the result. I discussed this with my guide upon waking. He was very close initially and the message I received was that I did not have to live life feeling “dead”. The dream was to show me I can still feel alive, that my desire/fire has not been extinguished. I felt I was being assisted in the regaining of what I felt I lost so many years ago. 

I addressed the fears I felt. Fear that when it (connection) happens, I will come on too intensely and scare the other person away. Or, that I might mess things up and lose the connection again like I did in the past when I had the opportunity to experience Union. Fear that it will be so overwhelming I will die (not a logical but a fear I have had since the beginning). Fear the fire will consume me to the point I will lose control and be devoured by it. But above all else, fear of the unknown – not knowing what will happen and that, in the end, I will fail.

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Another Shift?

Feeling a shift but not sure what it means. The 1111 sign continues to show up. For example, I’ve been watching True Detective , season 4 with Jodie Foster (definitely recommend) and in one of the scenes on the ice rink I heard a whisper of a voice in my mind say “1111” and just as I heard it, there appeared on the scene, in the background, four distinct blue neon bars that were super obvious to me. It was like time paused briefly when this happened, something I have not experienced in a long while. 

Last night I felt this heaviness and a distinct sense of something coming. I sensed it might be considered “bad” and other messages from the previous days via music and other avenues started pouring into my mind. For example, a song I listen to says “I can see the signs, I’m running out of time”. With this song I’ve also had the paused time feeling, especially regarding the “running out of time” part. When this happened, I was driving home from work and life appeared to be like a moving movie and I thought, “All of this could disappear in an instant” and I felt oddly disconnected from this plane of existence. Totally a Matrix moment. 

Yesterday I was driving and something caught my eye. It was a blue blur at first and it was rising up into the sky. I recognized it was a balloon but it was in the shape of a number 3. I took a pic but it isn’t a very good one. It felt significant. Later, in the evening, I ran into a post on reels about Mercury Retrograde just concluding and someone was saying if no ex’s came into your life then you don’t have anymore work to do with them. I looked it up and turns out my ex found his new GF at the tail end of the second to the last Mercury Retro and my heart connection returned during the most recent one. Hmmm. Unfinished business? The number three can represent the combination of two opposites into one (Union), the divine triad (Christianity, Hinduism), and creativity, communication and expression.

Lyrics from the song Afterlife:

I′m trapped, in the darkness of my mind
I want it back, but I’m lost along the way
Under attack, I can feel it pull me in
I push it back, do I sink or do I swim
Now all I want is for you to drag me down, watch me drown
In what I lost, can you hear me calling out
A voice from underground

chorus

I can see the signs, I′m running out of time
I can feel it calling, from the afterlife
If I lose my mind, let the darkness cry
If I feed the demon, will it bring me back to life
Will it bring me back to life
Will it bring me back to life
Will it bring me back to life
Will it bring me back to life

verse

I’m wrapped in a vision of myself I never had
Now I’m losing my own faith
And if I stop, giving in to what they say
Could I save myself, from my own fate
′Cause all I want is for you to drag me down, watch me drown
In what I lost, I can you hear it calling out
A voice from underground

chorus

I can see the signs, I′m running out of time
I can feel it calling, from the afterlife
If I lose my mind, let the darkness cry
If I feed the demon, will it bring me back to life
Will it bring me back to life, bring me back to life

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Return of 11:11

Lots going on, only so much time to write without it getting super long….

Dream: Healing Second Chakra

I was with a group of people and we seemed to be traveling. I mostly recall the end of the dream now as it was early in the night that I had it. We came to a waterpark type scene that reminded me of a local waterpark with lazy river tube shoots. Around the tube sections was greenery that reminded me of Costa Rica, so very tropical. We were not in the water but walking along it I think. I remember a woman approached me and asked me if I would consider letting her insert something into me. It looked like she either had a massive dildo or she actually had a penis on her female body. I remember agreeing and she asked if I thought it might be too big. I took a good look (lol) and said it was fine. When she inserted it, I felt a wave of energy and woke.

The area of my second chakra was achy and it stayed achy for some time after. I felt healing energy pouring in through my back also and thought about how, in the past when the K would rise in a similar way, I would have an ache there. I knew there was a blockage in my second chakra. I asked my guidance to help me get rid of it ASAP and was told it couldn’t happen fast as there were many, many layers to it and it would be unwise. 

Dream: Visit with Ray

I was in my mom’s bathroom (cleansing the inner self), the one I use to use as a child/teenager. I was on my hands and knees with a long handled scrub brush like one would use to clean a toilet but I was cleaning the bathtub (desire for greater intimacy in life). The tub was covered in a bluish (throat chakra) colored substance that had thickened and begun to dry out. In the dream I knew I had started to clean the tub but never finished and the cleaner had been left awaiting my return. As I began to scrub I felt Ray’s presence behind me. We talked about my cleaning of the tub itself and he pointed to a wire rack next to it. The rack had peeling paint on it that was starting to come off. He pulled on it and it came off in long, elastic pieces. I helped and what was left was exposed metal. I resumed cleaning the tub, scrubbing the blue cleaner off easily. 

Then we were in my mom’s kitchen (nourishment). We mainly just talked. There was no intense energy, just friendly conversation and enjoying one another’s company. I felt completely at ease and relaxed and I think he did, too. I don’t remember what all we talked about but at one point he sat on top of my mom’s dryer (laundry is in the kitchen near the back door). He seemed to be talking about something important to him, something private or intimate. So he was opening up and being vulnerable. I sensed this and inched closer to him to the point that I was standing situated between his legs. He was up high, so my upper abdomen was right between his legs and my face was just a little bit lower than his own. Our closeness felt appropriate and, again, there was no crazy, intense energy, just affection and openness to one another. 

This is when someone came by the back window and knocked. I went up to see what it was about. It was a woman with her kids all dressed to swim with towels and everything. She inquired if the pool (healing waters) was open and said she had $100 to pay for the season. I told her my mom had long ago closed the pool and, though it was in good shape, she could not swim. I did consider letting them but opted not to. The woman left and I told Ray about it and how, at one point, the neighbors would come over to swim all the time. I remember how the pool and area looked. The pool itself was aqua and clear (clear emotion) and the surroundings littered with lawn chairs but otherwise tidy. 

When I woke I was extra alert to the fact that Ray was in my dream. I also still felt the healing energy in my lower abdomen. I wondered about the dream and whether it indicated I would receive communication from him soon. 

Dream: Corndogs on the Bus

The dreams with Ray continued. He picked me up and took me to a school bus (important life journey). I had with me a box of corndogs (simple pleasures in life) and asked him if he wanted one. I told him I could cook it real fast in the microwave. He indicated he did as we walked up the steps of the bus. I asked if he thought the others would want one, saying I probably had enough. That is when I noticed how full the bus was. I mentioned that I may not have enough after all and looked at the box to see, moving the corndogs around to get an inventory. I looked at the people inside and there was a variety to include mothers with children. Trying to solve the problem of insufficient corndogs, I thought perhaps we could prioritize the children. This is where the dream ended.

Corndogs symbolize the simple pleasures in life, relaxation and satisfaction, wealth and success, companionship and loyalty. I was offering this to my friend and then to the people on the bus which means I want others to share in my experience. When I see I may not have enough then I prioritize the children. I think this dream shows how generous I am in general, especially when I feel happy. 

Messages

I’ve been seeing 1111 quite frequently and have been noting it. The pic here is one time I notice and took a screenshot of my phone. Only after did I see the song playing and how the name relates to the Kundalini – Fuel to Fire.

I had a dream the night before last that relates to the above.

Dream: Second Stage 

I was sitting at my computer writing in my blog. When I pressed “post” the wrong blog post appeared on the screen. It said it was from 2016. I panicked because I didn’t want to write everything again. I tried to recover what was lost and found it didn’t work. Instead, certain words in the post became bolded. After some nudging by my guidance I calmed down and began to pay attention to the bolded words. What I recall now is the words “second stage” and the complete sentence was that I was now in the second stage. Other than that, I can’t remember any of the other bolded words despite reading all of them. I only remember the year 2016 and “ascension”.  That was the year that I had the meeting with my heart connection (Ray) and told my now-ex that I wanted a divorce. That was also the year my heart connection disappeared from my life of his own choice to avoid becoming entangled in the karma of the situation.  

Reflection

The year 2016 and message “second stage” stand out. I looked through my blog and noticed that year was full of Kundalini activity, messages, and significance in general. The year began with a post about recognizing the walk-in situation. This is something Ray and I discussed in our most recent conversation. I told him I didn’t feel the walk-in was real and yet this post indicates otherwise. I also found a post specifically about “the next stage“, so perhaps it is relevant? There was a post called Velantium also. I looked up the word and it translates to “covering or veiling”, something I never mentioned in the post itself. Finally, there were several posts about Atlantis. 

2016 was a very exciting year! I didn’t have time to look through all the posts but man oh man was I ever accelerating! If I am in fact picking up where I left off, then I wonder what it will entail?

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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Dreams: Recognition and Heart

More dreams to document. It is so nice to have good dream recall again! 🙂

Dream: Recognition

I was at my mom’s with the kids and my ex came to pick up the youngest without telling me. I arrived and noticed my son’s things were gone. In the dream it was felt like an empty space left behind not only in the physical place but in my heart. I went outside and saw my SUV (protection, security, stability, power) parked with my sweater (protection) stuck in the back door half hanging out. I yelled at my ex asking why he left my sweater like that. 

Then I was with my ex but he looked like my heart connection a bit, too. I think in the dream the two people shifted back and forth but most of the time it felt like I was talking to my heart connection. He was open to talking at first but as soon as I started to talk on a deeper level he began to distance himself, walking away from me. I followed, telling him what I needed to say, and noticed he would not look me in the eye, instead looking at the floor and sometimes turning his back on me. I just kept on talking, shifting my position so that I remained in front of him.

The things I said were revelatory. I recognized the parallel between present time and the past. How the situation between myself and my ex and myself and my heart connection were interconnected, even more than I realized back then. My recent divorce and the return of my heart connection into my life is giving me the opportunity to reflect, heal and fully release any residual connection. I remember saying to him that I felt maybe a 10% draw to him compared to the past and didn’t understand fully why. I thought perhaps it was because some hope still lingered that the heart connection could be rekindled. Or maybe there is just a remnant remaining that needs dissolution. In the dream it was crystal clear that the situation was presenting itself so that I could learn. 

I became so thoroughly enthralled in what I was saying that it brought on some emotion and I woke. 

Reflection

I continued to think of the parallels I noticed in the dream. 

In 2016, early 2017, I had tried to divorce my ex and start a life on my own but wanted the support of my heart connection. Unfortunately, my heart connection insisted he have no contact, citing karma, his past similar experiences, and my own good. As a result I struggled to continue on the path of divorce and ultimately withdrew to the security of the known. At that time I had gotten a temporary job as an elementary school counselor which I enjoyed thoroughly, especially the children. 

Now, almost ten years later, I have divorced, recently had contact from my heart connection, and find myself employed as an elementary school counselor again. It does not go unnoticed that it life has aligned similarly as if to say, “Okay, now finish what you started.” 

I find that my response to my heart connection reaching out has been mostly curiosity. There is a small part that want to be friends and meet up to have a long chat. This is likely the part I felt in the dream. Mostly, his energy feels completely neutral, at least in comparison to how it once did. How odd it is! 

Then I thought of my ex and how part of me is annoyed by certain things he does still. I recognize a part of me is still struggling with the end of that part of my life. I think a part of me is still holding on, still grieving for what was and what could have been. 

I also recognized my ex is struggling much more than I am. The reason he is still behaving the way he has been is because he feels he needs to prove something, to get revenge or perhaps to just be right. I think he hurts much more than I do because I am the one who initiated the divorce and withdrew from him so many years ago. Even after nearly 10 years he is struggling to accept that I don’t want to be with him, that I don’t need him and am completely okay without him. He wants me to need him still, even now, even though he has a new girlfriend. In fact, he could only attempt to move on because he got a new girlfriend. It is likely had she not “taken the bait” of his invitation that he would still be harassing me, frustrated by my lack of interest, trying to force a relationship that is long dead. 

Dream: Heart

The dream started at a school that was out in the country. I was taken into the main building where a small group of faculty sat together awaiting my introduction. I remember telling them all, “Thank you so much for this opportunity.” I was extremely grateful to be back and told them so. In the dream the place I was returning to was the detention center I taught at so many years ago. It felt like I would be working in a “jail” (jail = earth to me).

I was then taken outside. I could see another building, a small cottage, down below in a green valley with a few tall oak trees. There were steps leading down to the valley and I stood at the top for a bit. A huge white dog (protection) came pounding towards me joyfully. It was a Great Pyrenees. I opened my arms and let him hit me full on with his body and then we melted together and rolled around. I remember at one point the big dog was laying on my head and there was a split second worry thought about my safety that quickly passed. Another dog joined the big dog and they romped around, running up and down the green valley. A young woman came up from behind me and commented on the bigger dog saying he destroyed her house when she left him inside. I said, “Oh, he’s only a puppy!” 

When I looked up where the woman was I saw an older woman talking quietly with a woman and two other women also talking. I didn’t want to interrupt but I wanted to ask about teaching a class in the cabin below. It looked like a great place to hold class. When there was an opening, I mentioned this but the answer I got had nothing to do with the cabin. One lady motioned to the older one indicating the woman had achieved something. There were no words here, just a recognition from me that this older woman’s heart was wide open and she was comfortable living with it that way. To me, this was indeed quite the accomplishment and I became emotional. I asked her how she managed. The woman approached me, her eyes kind. She opened her arms and I fell into them. She was short, her head only coming to my chin. I could feel her kiss me on the nape of my neck and she said, “You are okay.” By this time I was sobbing uncontrollably. The message I received was that I already have everything I need, it is all within me. This wasn’t the only communication I received but it is hard to relay since it came all at once, telepathically. I remember trying to will the heart bliss to come to me from her, but when I did this I only cried harder.

I woke in tears.