Tag Archives: love

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Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

Slept really well and had a K dream!

The first part of the dream involved me helping an old dog. He was brown and very, very large, almost like a mastiff. I took him to a house where someone I knew said I could leave him. I had to leave him in a small room for the majority of the day because the owner of the home had people in and out and she did not want him in the main living spaces, especially a bedroom that she was renting to a woman. 

I mostly recall loving the dog very much and being very concerned for him. He was super old and barely could get around. At one point he had escaped outside and I was very upset. Thankfully, he had stopped to investigate a women walking her two poodles. The poodles didn’t like him and started aggressively trying to bite him. The old dog just turned around towards me and I took him back inside.

Somehow the old dog turned into an old man who I was helping. The house shifted to become a tiny house community for old people. The facilitator of the community gave me a piece of paper with the rules and the cost of the space. I remember wondering why I was being charged anything since it had been free for the first month. They also did the laundry at no cost. When I questioned her she said, “Everyone must do their part.” I explained that I had been by doing 3+ hours of work where the community needed it. I then asked about the old man. Would he have a place to stay? Would they find him work? Both answers were yes. He would have his own tiny home and a job right there in the community working as a mechanic. 

I remember holding the community plan in my hand. It was well written and impressive. I held onto it, thinking it could be a blueprint to use for other similar tiny house communities. I thought of how much good it would do for people like the old man I had been helping, if only there were more communities like it.

Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

The dream shifted at this point and I found myself talking to a coworker about a dream I had. As I was describing the dream, I hid the fact that he was in the dream. The dream visual I recall just showed us across from one another and included heart bliss. The coworker interrupted me and said, “Are you sure I wasn’t in that dream?” I confessed that he was. He said, “I had that dream, too.” 

Shocked, there was a pause and the energy between us felt super charged. I lost my breath for a moment as he moved closer. His eyes were intense and staring into mine. I couldn’t look away. The energy began to swirl in all my chakras with the most intensity in the heart and second chakra. I couldn’t believe this was my coworker nor could I believe I was having a K dream (it caused me to become lucid).

We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. For some reason he turned and went out of the room. I stood there in shock, the bliss swirling throughout. 

I realized I was in the same house as the previous dream – the one where the old dog and later old man had been with me. I remember very little here except the recollection of the previous dream and the bliss energy that still swirled through me.

I must have gotten lost in the energy because everything around me vanished and I found myself in a black void. In front of me was my coworker. He had laid his head in my lap and was staring up at me. The energy between us only intensified after that and I was almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The heart bliss is so exquisite! What is really odd is that as I looked at his face it shifted. His skin turned iridescent and took on a scale-like appearance. The skin shifted color, pulsating. It was beautiful! I remember recognizing him as nonhuman and this didn’t bother me at all. 

The scene shifted again and I returned to the tiny house community. I recall only that I was directed to look at the scene anew. As I did, my heart was flooded with every emotion imaginable. I began to sob. The intensity of all the emotions, swirling together, was overwhelming. I had felt it before and my recognition was acknowledged by a guide who was close but out of sight. I felt immense love for the dog, the old man, and every homeless or unfortunate soul that ever existed. I also felt love for those not in such dire straights. From the lowest of the low to the richest to the most generous – I loved them all. The purity of the love, the compassion, just kept building and building. I told my guide I couldn’t take anymore because I didn’t know how to handle it. What do I do with all the love? My guide reassured me as I was pulled out of the scene. The intensity of the love reduced to a more tolerable level. I exhaled in relief, tears pouring out of my eyes. 

I woke at this point my heart still wide open and all chakras below it swirling with energy. It took a while but I was able to return to sleep. 

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Message: We Win When We All Win

It stormed again last night. It is suppose to rain all week, probably at night. It has been a very wet Spring! 

After being awakened by the storm, I fell back to sleep and had a healing dream with a message.

In the dream, I returned to an old school gym from my elementary and middle school years. It was the original gym of the old original town schoolhouse that we used in elementary school for gym class. When I was in middle school, the gym and schoolhouse was shut down to remove asbestos and make it safe to use. In the dream, I went into the girls dressing room accompanied by other young girls. I don’t think I knew most of them but we were all young, like 10 years old. I went inside and found a purse inside an old locker, my old locker. I brought it back out and showed the other girls. It was pink and still had the original plastic wrapping on it. There was a logo or drawing on it of a band I had never heard of. I commented that it might be worth something since it was so well preserved. Then I opened the zipper to the change purse. Inside was a wad of money. I took it out, oohing and awing over it and showing the girls. I could sense a girl I once knew in the background watching – Nicki Bitch is the name I gave her long ago and still call her that. I said it surely was not much money because Nicki said something along the lines of I must have put the purse there or stolen it or worse. I sifted through the money and pulled out one twenty, two, three an then a fifty! Nicki was still commenting that it was a ruse and couldn’t be true and I was saying how it was true and I must have gone back to the gym in my middle school years and placed the purse in the locker. She wasn’t convinced and the other girls were believing her over me (typical). I finally lost my nerve and called her out, reminding the others that she only befriended people who had something she wanted and was known to lie and manipulate others into doing what she wanted. Everyone got quiet and Nicki walked away along with some of the other girls. I knew she was likely planning on doing something to me for revenge. That is how she was. She would hold onto her anger and get revenge years later if she had to, waiting for the perfect timing. I lingered in the gym with my best friend somewhat worried about how she would make me pay.

The dream shifted and I was still with my friend. We were late to a funeral. It was related to Nicki Bitch but I don’t think it was her funeral (not sure whose it was). We arrived just in time to see a group of people leave a church and head towards the cemetery. We decided to join the group and as we were walking towards the group, a couple of girls and their parents appeared and walked alongside us. One girl turned to me and said, “I won’t be listening to you about friends” (or something similar). I told her I didn’t blame her and that she should listen to her heart when it came to choosing friends, not me. Then I apologized for my outburst in the gym earlier. I told her my outburst was because I hadn’t done the work and healed myself. The mother of the girl nodded her head and the girl accepted my apology. It felt like my words were truth and something about them woke me.

Message

I lingered in bed thinking of the dream and how I hadn’t had a dream about my school years in a very long time. During that time I spoke with my guidance and thought through other similar scenarios from my youth. One was how that girl – Nicki Bitch – convinced all my classmates to vote for my best friend as most likely to succeed despite the fact that, as Valedictorian, that spot was meant for me. Not only did my “best friend” agree to the nomination, but she won and later made it clear that she no longer considered me her friend. Not only did Nicki get her revenge but my friend seemed to have abandoned me for the entirety of our senior year. Funny enough, I didn’t ever lash out against my friend, defending her to others when they brought up how she was treating me and always remaining steadfast in our friendship despite her ghosting of me. I was told with this memory that I did well and my actions were a reflection of my inner true self. I heard, “We win when we all win” and that in that moment when I was betrayed by my friend a part of me knew this.

I’d always wondered why I acted the way I did in my youth. I often did things without knowing why and sometimes they made me look like a fool. As I matured I began to withhold that part of myself, convincing myself that it was wrong. Perhaps my guidance is correct and I was my true self more then than I am now?

I also recognized that I was holding onto the hurt from my youth and using it as an excuse and sort of protection against future hurt. The purse and money within shows how much I have invested in it – the lesson, and my response to others, especially groups. Instead of calling out Nicki Bitch like I did in real life (and the dream) I should have quietly distanced myself from her and surrounded myself with those who really recognized my value. But I felt a need to call attention to how wrong she was and how right I was. Whenever anyone does that it doesn’t often turn out well in the end. I deduced from that experience and other future similar experiences that most people have friends primarily for selfish means (to gain something for themselves). For example, my ex husband specifically told me that he liked to have a lot of friends because “I might need help some day”. And my current husband also values friends for that reason, though he is usually the one helping them. He is oblivious to the fact that some of the “friends” are only his friends when they need something from him. I detest this kind of friendship as it is fake and selfish. True friendship is not for gain alone. It really irritates me that so many have shallow friendships. I wouldn’t even categorize them as such but call them associates. 

Still, though, the message “we win when we all win” is a common one. It upsets me, though, because it suggests that I should allow others to win despite my own hurt or upset in the process. Like with my friend, I allowed her treatment of me without even feeling hurt really because I loved her and understood she was going through a challenging time. Funny enough, when she apologized years later she told me exactly that! And I told her I never begrudged her and still thought of her as a friend, which surprised her. Then, later, I began to convince myself that my response to her mistreatment had been wrong. Now I am seeing it was not.

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Dream Premonition: On Watch

Woke at 11am in tears from a dream and then went on to have what I feel is a premonition in a dream.

Dream: All is Love

Despite the intensity of this dream, because it was so early in the night, I don’t recall many specifics now.

I remember walking through an empty house. It reminded me of my mom’s house but also of other houses I’ve lived in throughout this lifetime. A man had come to visit me. I recognized him in the dream as someone I love dearly but cannot place him in this lifetime based upon looks alone. My response to his visit was to make him wait. I was busy, with life I guess. In the midst of my busyness something told me to turn around. When I did, I realized the man was about to leave. I ran up to him and he turned around to face me. In his eyes I saw that his feelings for me had changed. I said to him, “You don’t feel the same, do you?” He told me he did not. I asked him if he still loved me, my heart beginning to ache and tears forming in my eyes. He said he did not, but those weren’t his exact words. What he said was much more kind. I began to sob. An indescribable feeling spread from my chest outward. This is when I began to hear Clair de Lune playing in the background. The feeling was hurt and grief – an overwhelming pain and loss/decimation. He attempted to explain that this was the way of things here (in the physical). It was difficult for me to hear, though, as the pain was to the point that it woke me. The last thing I heard him say was, “Let it go.”

Still crying but wide awake, the explanation was presented again. I was shown a crystal. A pure, white light went into one side and out the other came a rainbow of color. The love I am seeking is the pure, white light. The love of the physical is the rainbow. Love in the physical is broken into the many emotions we experience here – love, hate, guilt, pain, passion, envy, fear, etc. What I am seeking is the unchanging love I am use to but the love I find, over and over again, is not that. I am finding a love that changes as all things change here in the physical. What else did I expect? 

Premonition Dream: On Watch

I was in Montana in college. I remember going to class and giving the teacher a name that was not mine: Heather Heather. I remember telling this name to the teacher, laughing uncomfortably at how nonsensical it sounded. I sat in my desk thinking about the name and how it would make all the coursework I was doing invalid when it came time to graduate because the name wouldn’t match my transcripts. 

I must have left the classroom because next I was in a car traveling through the streets of a familiar city in Montana. It made me happy to see all the natural beauty around me and I began to think of my ex-father-in-law and wondered if I should meet up with him. It was something I very much wanted to do.

The scene shifted and I was with my father-in-law. He and I had gone on a hike. I heard/Knew of a young female student who had shown great promise and was now a professor at the university. She excelled in the study of plate tectonics. I saw a visual of her working over a map, using a device to sketch potential earthquakes in Montana. I saw her draw two circles, one very much in the west and the other to the east of that point. I heard, saw and even wrote her name, but all I recall now is the initials C.S. 

There was a brief portion of the dream where I spoke with this seismologist. I asked her where the most recent earthquake was and she said, “Kalispell”. I told her I would avoid the town and then mentioned how many more people are likely to live there now. She then showed me the eastern location of a second earthquake. I felt forewarned.

Next, I was taken by my FIL to a dirt road. In the road had been dug four square holes. Inside was placed devices to measure the movement of the earth. There were also sign-in sheets near the holes. This is when I signed the name with the initials C.S.

Then my father-in-law took me on a drive to another location. As we drove down a seemingly remote road the trees opened up to a small, circular town. We got out and went on a hike up the mountain. My father-in-law said his hands were cold and asked if I could warm them. I let him put his hands in my pockets with mine and warmed them. He was behind me, our bodies touching, as he warmed his hands. I could feel his interest and got somewhat uncomfortable. He is at least 25 yrs older than me. As I prepared to move forward he stopped me and put his face and lips very close to my own as he stared me in the eyes. It was intense and I waited. He then kissed me passionately. All I remember is the feeling of a sloppy kiss which was not that nice. He then turned and went back down the mountain, giving me a sausage stick and a banana on the way down. I rushed after him, eating the items quickly but discarding part of the banana, yet I did not feel hungry.

I began to wake but lingered in the in-between for a while. This is when I heard and saw written on a wall in my mind, “On watch” and I remembered vividly the map with the circles, the city of Kalispell and the warning of two earthquakes. 

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Mother’s Day Musings

It’s Mother’s Day and I am feeling affected but not sure exactly how. I am in a somber mood but also a pensive one. I’m not sad but I’m not happy. I’m contemplative but zoned out.

This morning I recalled how the other day, when not in present time, my mind wandering to other things – most of which were me feeling angry about the unfairness of certain things in the world, things I cannot change or effect directly – I spilled scalding hot water all over my hand. Brought immediately to present time by the event, I made sure to hold the cup until I could place it on a solid surface despite the automatic impulse to drop it and tend to the horrific burning sensation that was quickly spreading across my arm. Putting the cup down, I did not immediately tend to my burns but instead continued making my cup of tea. Once I completed the task at hand I put my hand under cool water and surveyed the damage. While my hand and arm seemed okay, the burning sensation had not abated despite the cold water.

After many minutes of feeling the burning sensation come and go in waves I recognized the pain was something I needed not avoid. In fact, the avoidance of the pain extended and even intensified it. So I sat motionless and focused on the pain, allowing it to exist and knowing it would pass and had something to teach me. Yes it was uncomfortable but in focusing on the pain I noticed it was not as bad as it seemed. I became curious about it even, noting the unique way my body registered the pain – the prickling hot sensation, the spreading and then abating as if my nerves were trying to decide whether a threat existed.

As expected the pain eventually subsided and I was left only with a sensitive area on my hand that felt similar to a sunburn. I rubbed some aloe on it and was able to fall asleep but not before recalling how my mom once told me of her own boiling hot water incident when she was pregnant. She had been making spaghetti and somehow tipped the entire pot of boiling water all over herself. In her case, she had not just burned her hand like me but a very large portion of her body. She had to lay in a tub of cold water just to bear the pain of it.

I wonder now if I had been the child inside her tummy at that time? Why did the memory of my mother’s story come to me so vividly when I had heard the story so very long ago, when I myself was still a child? Could this be a reminder that we are all connected? That one person’s experience can be recalled by another – re-experienced even – and sympathized with?

But this morning as I recall my own experience and tie it into my own’s mother’s, I am grateful for what it taught me. Pain is not something to avoid. Pain teaches. In fact, it is our greatest teacher if only we would stop and listen to it rather than pushing it away, denying and avoiding it.

Similarly, the pain of the world is also our teacher. When our hearts ache in response to the atrocities that exist in this world we should embrace the ache, hug it close to use even, as it is a reminder of our humanity as well as our deep connection to one another. It is not our purpose in these bodies to eliminate pain. On the contrary, it is to embrace it and let it teach us what we otherwise would not know. We come here, hearts completely open, knowing the pain we will encounter, willing to experience it so it can transform us. We do not come here to vanquish pain or those who appear to be the source of it. No. Our job is to transmute the pain into the Love that we are. For Love knows not the difference between “bad” and “good”, it is acceptance regardless of intent.

I am reminded of how how my own heart, open so wide as to let in the entirety of human existence in a moment, was so overpowering that I fell to my knees and pleaded for God to take it all away. Tears spontaneously poured from my eyes from the beauty and my heart ached from the simultaneous pain. How could I be both happy and grieving at the same time? How could so many contradictory emotions exist altogether as if one and the same?

And a silent voice inside me answers – Because they are One.

Happy Mother’s Day. May you embrace the Love that you are.

 

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Extreme Energy

The energy lately has been all over the place. I wish it would just make up it’s mind already! My sleep patterns are most impacted. I wake often throughout the night and then wake up at 4:30-5am and can’t go back to sleep. My emotions seem to go with energy – high, low, neutral, zoned out/bored. The last few days I’ve been all over the place with fluctuations so frequent that I wonder about my sanity! Getting outside has helped, but only temporarily. I often find myself daydreaming about going camping for a few days by myself just to ground out this energy and feel somewhat sane. Sadly, I can’t do that with my husband in N.Y. leaving me once again with all the responsibility on my shoulders.

To give you a taste of how the energy is impacting me, the other morning I woke inundated with memories from the past and feeling urged to dig up things that I had been avoiding. I had a few indications from the Universe that I needed to stop avoiding, but did I listen? Nah. I avoided all I could until the messages started coming through.

The first message was this:

doubleyolkedegg

While making breakfast I cracked open a double yolked egg. I hadn’t seen one in ages and knew right away it was a message, so I snapped a pic and looked up the meaning. Seems it can mean several things – fertility, good luck, pregnancy. The last doesn’t apply to me, of course, but it can mean someone close to you is pregnant, which is true (SIL). I saw it as a sign related to what I was being urged to do, something related to soul family connections and Oneness (2 are 1 type symbology). Of course, it could be good luck I suppose. That would be welcomed, too.

Right around that same time I saw 20-20 somewhere but I can’t recall where. I don’t see that number combination often either so I took note. 20-20 means clarity of some kind is present. This sign finally got me to listen and do what I was being urged to do.

So I got to digging deep and allowing thoughts, considerations, and emotions to surface as best I could. It was difficult because my daughter had the stomach flu and was home from school for two days, thus distracting me quite a bit as you can imagine. It took me two days to sift through past crap!

Then, yesterday, after all was said and done, I was feeling a bit neutral, as if in a void or transition period, when the electricity suddenly went out for no reason. I happened to look at the time and it was 11:11am. My first thought was it was not a good sign. In fact, I still believe so. In my mind electricity = Kundalini = Divine Connection. So the message I felt was that the “power has been cut” and the connection is “dead”. Yeah, not so good.

Later last night the weather shifted, the temperature dropped drastically, it got windy and began to rain. Then the power went out yet again for no apparent reason. So like the energy lately, weather here in Texas is bipolar! Earlier this week it was warm and humid with highs the 70’s and low 80s and now it is in the low 50s, rainy and windy.

The next morning I felt very pessimistic. That void of nothingness was visiting me again. I hate the void. It’s a vast empty feeling and it exacerbates my tendency to feel sorry for myself and want to opt out of life. I know it is just a phase, one I go through often, but still it is hard not to fall into “poor me” thinking.

Yesterday at work I felt odd. There were moments where I thought for sure I would collapse in a heap on the floor from a sense of internal imbalance. This happened only a few times. There was also this odd throat chakra energy that spanned from my high heart all the way into my mouth making it feel as if I was choking. Both sensations seemed not to be mine, but another’s. It was as if I was tuned into someone else and thus taking on what they were feeling.

Then, in the middle of the day and quite unexpectedly, I received a blast of love straight to my heart. I felt a communication coming through just prior to it. It was as if someone was checking in, saying “Hey, how are you doing? Just wanted to say I love you and am thinking of you.” How I even heard it, I don’t know because I was completely immersed in my work. The love was so beautiful that I immediately became physically hot and tears streamed down my cheeks. They were happy tears, though. I was overjoyed. Yet, the tears were also fearful, fearful of losing that love and connection. And then there was this underlying hurt like an open wound. All I wanted to do was make it better.

So as you can see I’ve been all over the place. This energy is like no other. It seems to be pushing me through a veil of my own making.

Thankfully, I am not physically ill or experiencing any major symptoms. In fact, I was just thinking how healthy I have been this year compared to previous years. No stomach flu, no major colds or sinus infections. It has been really nice!

Now onto last night’s dreams….

Dream: Flying Lessons

I was on the beach (meeting of two states of mind) with a group of people, all young and hopeful. I remember seeing the ocean to my left and feeling carefree and happy to be there on the beach. I was jumping (need to take a risk; go for it) up really high into the air and the group was astonished at how high I could jump. They were all jumping, too, but not nearly as high. I slowed and showed them how I was doing it, evening lingering in the air for a bit. The sensation of flying was very memorable and joyful. I don’t know how I didn’t become lucid from all the flying.

Mini-Dream 

Dreamed of going into the bathroom (cleansing) to get the laundry for washing. When I went to pick up the clothes baby roaches (need to evaluate something, uncleanliness) came out. I noticed that some of the clothes were very wet (emotion), all of them were my husband’s. I was upset with him for tossing wet clothes in the hamper (avoiding emotion and cleansing) and allowing it to sit so long that roaches were making a nest.

love

Dream: Loving Myself

This dream began in a convertible (feeling powerful) driving up a mountain road. We stopped and I climbed out. With me was a dark haired man and woman, a couple I seemed to know and be related to. There was a gift bag (receiving a gift) in the passenger seat containing new clothing for a woman, tags still on. Underneath the clothing (outward appearance) was a ton of money (success) – $100 bills in $1000 bunches. I asked where it came from and the man said his dad must have put it there. It felt like the man’s father was a mob boss or in crime (inner conflict) and the son was inadvertently doing work for him. I suggested we leave the money in another car and only take one bunch of $100 bills just to be safe. I kept picturing the couple getting in trouble for something they didn’t know they were doing. I placed the money under the driver’s seat in another car.

I noticed some abandoned trailers (burdens) nearby and grew curious suggesting we explore them. Without hesitating I went inside one noticing it had been gutted. The floor moved (instability) whenever the wind blew outside and so I was very cautious as I walked through the trailer, telling the couple to be careful. It looked like the trailer was breathing. There was a white table with chairs in the center of the trailer. Along the right wall was a door. When I opened it there was a bathtub (cleansing) inside and nothing else. A tiny window allowed viewing of whoever was inside the tub. Next to this was an open room with a viewing glass spanning the length of the room. Inside the room was lined with plush, velvet pillows piled along daybeds lining the perimeter. I could see sex toys specifically for men in the room. Several were clear latex vagina-looking sex toys. I remember commenting that it must an orgy room. I remember thinking that it was a sex ring and feeling I should leave.

As I began to leave I heard noise indicating people were arriving. I tried to leave without being seen, not wanting to be associated with such a place, but as I went through the door I bumped into a man. I remember seeing his face as I paused to move out of his way. He had this expectant, excited look. Confused I sought what was making him look so excited and realized both of my breasts (feminine sexuality) were exposed. They were way bigger then in normal life, so big they covered my belly button. I moved past him and outside, looking for a place to hide. I could hear more people entering the establishment and so hid alongside the outside of the trailer hoping no one would see me.

As I sat in the cool grass (ease, healing), pushed up against the side of the trailer, a small girl approached me. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She began to talk to me asking me why I was hiding. She was small, maybe 10 years old, and very innocent and curious. She came up and said, “Hi! Why are you over here all alone? Are you a teacher? All the teachers are in this section, not that in that one.” She pointed to the one I just left. The other section, was reserved for others, I can’t remember what she called them now. Students maybe. I told her I didn’t think I was a teacher.

She asked me, “Will you be my teacher?” I didn’t know quite what she meant and hesitated to answer. The girl snuggled close to me and began to touch me gently, tracing her fingers along the bare skin of my arm. I could feel what she was feeling and she was appreciating me, thinking me beautiful. I also sensed that she felt she was suppose to act a certain way, a very adult way. It made me feel sorry for her. I thought she must have grown up around the sex ring, seeing much more than a child her age should see. I was upset at her father for bringing her to such a place. How could he do that to his daughter?

Then I remember her climbing on top of me and kissing me on the lips. It was a closed mouth kiss and the feeling was that she was playing, practicing what she had seen others do. I played along but was a bit in shock, still feeling sorry for her but not judging her or rejecting her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

After a few more similar kisses she grabbed my hand and put it on her crotch. She asked me to touch her there. When she did this I froze. I was overcome with such sadness realizing she had likely been molested to even know of such things. Yet the girl was still so innocent and trusting of me, she had no shame and I could tell she felt it was the right thing to do. She was literally trying to please me.

At this point she was laying on top of me. I could see her bare back in such detail – the tiny hairs, the tanned skin, the way her back curved up to her shoulders. I thought her very beautiful, amazingly so. It reminded me of my own body when I was her age. I think at this point in the dream I identified with this little girl, it felt like she was a part of me.

I slowly pulled my hand away from her genital region, telling her very gently, “No”. I could feel her in detail, as if I had touched her there a million times. Again, she felt like me and the sense of this was strange, as if I stopped time and merged the past and present. I felt only love and compassion. My intention was to nurture, love and protect her.

Then I did something unexpected. I took her hand and put it in my crotch like she had done to me. I said, “Here. Like this.” She seemed to immediately know what I was asking and she inserted her finger into my vagina. When she did this my root chakra began to activate and my lucidity peaked. I didn’t wake up right away, though. Instead, I remember feeling a bit confused as to what I was experiencing but not protesting it or pushing it away, though I wanted to because to be with a child like that is wrong. Yet I sensed whatever was occurring was healing and so I didn’t interfere.

When I woke my root chakra was intensifying, the energy just beginning to move up into my second chakra. I knew that the dream girl was me, maybe my inner child, the innocent version of me who only knew love and wanted to be loved. There were no feelings of shame or guilt, just pure expression and exploration. There was no way I could criticize her but I did feel a sadness for her. I was sad that she knew so much at such a young age. She only wanted to please but had been taught that sex was the primary way to please another.

Considerations

The discussion upon waking was centered around self-love. I was instructed to focus inward to find what I was seeking and not focus on the surging energy in my root chakra. I shifted positions and the energy in my root gradually dissipated. I could feel energy in other areas – my head and heart specifically. The conversation was mostly telepathic; a Knowing replaced words. What I was told was that I still had some healing to do, but that I was very close.

Yesterday I was wondering about something that may have come up in this dream for inspection. I wondered what others would answer to this question: Which would you pick – a relationship and true partnership with another built upon a foundation of love and support, or a life filled with material security, never wanting for anything, but devoid of deep connection and love?

I remember thinking that I have always chosen the latter, so I have no memory of the former manifesting. It seems that survival trumps love, that I have opted time and time again to forgo love for security. Yesterday I was thinking my choices have been denying me exactly what I need/want/deserve in life. Perhaps the dream with the little girl was showing me a piece of myself that has been covered up and denied for too long? Showing me that she misunderstood love and needed to be taught what love really is?

When I first experienced a heart-connection the end of 2015, a vision (or memory?) came to me that seemed impossible until that time. The feeling with this vision/memory was the most memorable. In the vision I saw myself upset, standing in front of the stove trying to cook dinner. I was frustrated, feeling all kinds of emotion and becoming angry for the inability to cope. My partner came up from behind and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel from him this overwhelming love, understanding and support as he held me. All my upset and resistance melted away and a deep calm enveloped me. I stood there letting the food overcook, falling into his energy knowing everything would be okay. It felt more like a memory than a vision of what was to come, though it may have been both. I knew in that instant that love like that was possible and available to me. Before that I had no concept of love like that. Up to that point, love had always been an exchange built upon mutual dependence/need.

The more I learn what real love is, the more my choice to the above question changes. I am getting close to being able to completely change my answer because it feels like choosing the first option – love – brings just as much, if not more, security than the second.

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Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

Lots of vivid dreams lately. I have also been exhausted. Yesterday was better energy-wise, though I slept until 9am which is unheard of for me. The day before I actually took a nap which is also rare for me.

Last night I slept light compared to the last few nights. There is a sense of being pushed by my guidance again; like I am being asked to return to and inspect certain issues. I was not expecting what happened in dreamtime.

Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

This dream began in a classroom. I was observer and also participant. The room itself was small and cast in a golden color. In it was a group of students, me included. The assignment was to create a video (review past situation or lesson). I don’t recall the specific subject (love maybe?) but I think it was a parody (making light of the issue).

I was given a long poem (improve communication with someone) and ended up making it into a song (expression of emotion). I spent a good portion of this part of the dream singing the song but can’t recall any of it except that it had no chorus and made little sense.

Eventually I was called to play my part. This is when I became the observer and from a distance I looked closely at myself and saw my face was covered in acne (feeling awkward or out of place in a situation or relationship) lesions and scarring. I said aloud, “I look awful.” There was recognition, though, that the me I was observing seemed not to be upset by how she looked. She wasn’t even wearing makeup (not hiding).

The me in the scene was asked to find a swimming cap (put a cap on emotion) and goggles (protect self from emotional harm) from another classroom (lesson). I was told, “It is under my swimsuit” by the girl requesting it. I went to the classroom and found the things and then got lost on the way back looking for the 5th grade hallway.

There is a shift here and I end up on my way home with a load of groceries (emotional fulfillment/nourishment) in the trunk (old issues) of my car. I run into another teacher and stop to chat. He also had groceries in his car. There is a strong connection between us and I keep finding excuses to stay despite my son coming and interrupting our conversation several times.

I asked the man if he wanted help unloading his groceries then stayed and chatted with him about random topics. We got along really well and it seemed there was a telepathic connection between us also. I knew he felt our connection. The elephant in the room in the dream was we were both married.  There was an unspoken understanding that we could never be anything but friends.

It seemed as though much time had passed, me continuing to visit with him and our friendship growing. There was one discussion about the sky (possibility) and how it could foretell the future. He looked up and said, “I see thousands of faces (possible selves) in the clouds.” I said, “You do?” When I looked it was mostly blue with some very high level stratus clouds. My son came over and interrupted again talking about what he saw in the clouds. I don’t remember what he said but the man looked at me and he said, “That means romance.” Uncomfortable, I looked away and said, “I know…”

I could see my son and husband across the way tending to a stock tank (pond). The land was bare, mostly reddish dirt. I knew the man I was with also had a pond (keeping emotions contained). I mentioned that he might have to dig a trench connecting our ponds to keep the water level up. I could see that the water in my pond was low and muddy (muddy emotion).

For some reason I told him about a parrot (repetition of information, could be a person) that had gotten into my room one time and how it’s loud squawking startled me awake so I gave it away. I was laughing about it when I sensed a shift in his emotions. Up until that point it seemed we had been purposefully avoiding talking about our connection. We loved each other so much but also knew we could not be together except as friends. It was a painful reality no person would want to confront.

I turned to face him. His was so beautiful and safe. He opened his arms and I crawled inside his embrace. He pulled me close to him and I rested my head on his chest. I could feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat and feel his muscular arms. It was so very real. It seemed like we were sitting on a train (life’s journey) or a plane near the window. He was looking out the window holding me close. We seemed to be traveling together. I wanted to stay there with him, to never leave his arms.

The more I fell into the moment, fully surrendering to the love, the more lucid I became. A warmth welled up from within me, pooling in my root chakra and then exploding upward like a geyser into my heart and throat. In the dream I began to cry tears of joy and snuggled even closer to my lover and best friend. His warmth mirrored the warmth within me. The feeling was/is familiar. It is perfection. Divinity. Wholeness.

The energy became so intensely beautiful that it woke me up. I resisted waking, grasping for what remained of our beautiful connection. All I wanted was to stay in his arms, close my eyes and BE. But the dream vanished leaving me with the stark realization that I was – am –  alone. The love and connection was gone. I cried.

I couldn’t sleep after that. The dream was a reminder of everything I don’t have in my life. There is a Knowing that I could have what I had in my dream and a strong urge to rush out into the world and find it. It is like I am being Called. I am no stranger to this feeling and am good at suppressing it now. An old pro. Just push it down, down, down and use logic to remind myself of reality.

My partner in Spirit was there. I’m not sure if he was helping or not because it seemed he was encouraging me to change my reality to match my dream. But the scenario in my dream was obvious. Whoever that man was I could only be his friend. In the dream I was okay with that, we both were. We were happy just having one another close by. That was enough. Could I live that reality? I don’t know. Considering I don’t have anyone like that “close by” I suppose I don’t have to worry about it.

Dream: Sharks in the Water

My entire pelvis area was stiff and uncomfortable and I thought there no way I would return to sleep, but somehow I did. In this dream I was traveling with a man. The part I recall the most is seeing him, his dark hair covered in shampoo (clearing out old attitudes and beliefs, taking a new course in a relationship or situation). I also had shampoo all over my hair and I said to him, “We look funny don’t we.” I was amused but he seemed overly serious, like he was deep in thought. He turned and pointed to a camera (clinging to the past, get clearer picture or idea of something) that was laying near a pile of dirty laundry and a washing machine. He said, “You might want to take that with you when you go.” I said, “Sure. Of course.” There was a memory that we had borrowed the camera from a friend and the friend was impatient to have it returned.

I picked up the camera. My mind went to my car. I would need to put the camera in the glove compartment so I wouldn’t forget it when I left. When I saw the pile of laundry (cleaning up or changing attitudes and self)  I gathered some up and put it in the wash. There was still a pile of dirty gray (depression, fear) bed sheets (sexuality). I said, “Looks like I will have to do more laundry.”

Then I was walking through the house (own soul/self). There were three doors at the entry. One was the main entrance and the other two went to bedrooms. One bedroom was empty inside and I knew it was haunted (repressed emotion). The first time I went into the room it was empty. The second time the man was there.

Next, I was in my car with my son. His glasses were dirty so I cleaned them (seeking understanding). Then I put them on and noticed his prescription was almost like mine but the left side was blurry. I gave them back to him.

Then we were going back to the house. The entire front yard was covered in a thick, spongy material that looked gray at first but then turned vivid green. The walkway was overgrown with weeds (feeling cast aside, relationship gone wrong), though. My children came walking toward the car with fishing poles (exploring subconscious). A man said, “We can’t go fishing. There are sharks in the water (harm to self).”

Heartsick

All I can say is that I have not been myself today. These dreams, especially the first, made a big impression on me. I think something shifted inside, at my core. Mostly I feel sad and lonely. That connection from the dream is real. It exists in this reality, not just in a dream, not just as Kundalini. And when I touch upon it like I did in that dream I wake up changed. I’m homesick and …heartsick. I’ve never missed someone/something so much. It is times like these I just don’t understand. I don’t know what to do when this feeling hits me. I never do. Of all the feelings I’ve ever experienced, this yearning is the worst. My heart hurts and it seems like I can’t do anything about it.

 

 

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A Warm Heart(h)

Life continues to be busy. It leaves me with little time to myself these days which means little time for spiritual considerations other than dreamtime. I haven’t meditated in a very long while, unless you count the moments prior to sleep when I check-in with my guidance and/or say a small prayer.

I want quickly update you all on the physical crap I have been experiencing.

My skin is finally clearing up, though slowly. I can look in the mirror without cringing now at least. I started using a seaweed treatment a couple of days ago that I believe is helping heal and calm my skin. It’s called Aalgo and I bought it a while ago for some mild eczema I had. It is known to help with all kinds of skin ailments including acne. I took a long, hot bath with it and also applied in in paste form to my face as a mask.

I’ve been on birth control for four days but already forgot to take a pill. lol No migraines from it but I have had a headache for three days on and off but I attribute it to the cold I’ve had that is finally letting up.

I got my crown repaired but it is a temporary crown meaning I have to return and go through it all over again in 2 weeks. My dentist ordered the new crown in some kind of high-tech polymer that is harder than the porcelain of my old one. The good news is I gave in and took the Nitrous Oxide and it really, really helped. I should have been taking that stuff all along. It was like being buzzed drunk and high at the same time. hehe I did have a moment of nearly passing out but I reacted to it like it was no big deal. I actually asked to stay longer because I was more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. In fact, the effects of it seemed to stay with me for over an hour after the procedure – a kind of happy, dreamy feeling. So I am looking forward to my next dose in 2 weeks and not worried if I have more dental work to be done in the future. At $22 a pop it is well worth it.

Yesterday was spent holiday shopping which, despite having my youngest with me, was a pretty enjoyable experience. I have decided to do the 12 days of Christmas theme with my kids this year meaning they will get to open one present a day for 12 days. The first will be the smallest and they will get increasingly bigger the closer to Christmas day we get. Believe it or not it will save us money. My daughter has mixed feelings about it. She wants to have 12 days of Christmas and then heaps of presents on Christmas day, too. Always wanting more….sigh.

My financial worries are lessening. I lost motivation to look for work and have not heard on the one job I applied for. I don’t much care because I am certain my mental/spiritual state is not ideal for working right now. Thankfully, my husband reported to me yesterday that he got a substantial raise for his excellent performance. It was a relief to hear. I really prefer to not work because with all I have to do as a mom it would just deplete me like it did before. I can’t handle that right now.

High emotion continues to plague me. I will get teary-eyed and sad out of the blue. It reminds me of when I was pregnant. It could be a hormonal issue or just part of the healing work I’ve been doing.

Panic has been low. I did have one moment the other day. It was an odd experience. I was out to eat with my youngest when I suddenly seemed to come into awareness of my life, like waking from a dream. The sudden acuity was overwhelming. I could hear every noise, feel every breath in and out, every heart beat, smell every smell. And it was all so new to me, like I had never been in a physical body before. As it began to freak me out and the panic rose from within I heard a quiet voice say, “It’s okay.” Immediately I relaxed and the experience stopped as suddenly as it began.

Dream: A Warm Heart(h)

My sleep continues to be deep but now the dreams are more lucid and memorable. It is like the heaviness of sleep is slowly being peeled away the closer to the full moon we get. I had two very memorable dreams last night, this one was quite thought provoking.

I was preparing for my wedding (union of masculine and feminine). The groom was very well-off financially and the preparations were underway for a very posh wedding. No expense was to be spared. My dress was of the highest quality – silky white, smooth and flowing.

As we were rehearsing I grew more and more nervous. The main memory I have is that I wanted everything perfect and was worried something would ruin my big moment. I don’t remember my husband-to-be much except for a vague image of a Ken Doll-like man wearing a gray tuxedo. My maid of honor was rushing about doting on me the whole time and in charge of the ceremonial arrangements. I remember her being with me most of the dream.

On the big day while we were lining up to walk out for the ceremony, I suddenly needed to use the restroom (purification). I wandered into a bathroom and somehow ended up standing barefoot on the banks of a huge, swollen, muddy river (turbulent, cloudy emotion). I had to go across to get to my wedding and knew it would ruin my dress (expectation). Despite this I waded across the river and was met on the other side by a Hindi woman who would not help me but kept warning me of the deep water (emotional overwhelm) in front of me. I had to crawl up the muddy banks on my own and my dress was destroyed.

When I returned my maid of honor helped me picked another dress. I opted for a dated, lacy dress that did not match my modern wedding theme. It had a heavy veil (not wanting to see something) and wrap. I knew it was sub par but I had to wear something appropriate. When wearing it I felt to be wrapped up tightly in a blanket and could barely see through the thick, lace veil.

Because of the change in my dress we lost many guests and I knew they were never our friends anyway. I recall sitting with my husband with a group of people as the gifts were passed out. Instead of gifts, though, my husband passed to me wads of $100 and $50 bills (abundance). There was so much that it heaped up in a huge pile and he kept asking me to take a wad for myself. I didn’t know which to choose – the $50 or $100 wad of money.

As the wedding approached I became ever more nervous. The location of the wedding appeared to be in a large, open space like a concert hall (knowledge/wisdom). There were so many people in attendance – maybe a thousand or more.

When I was preparing to step out the ground I was on turned and became unstable. I stumbled off the turntable I was on and lost my veil. I quickly put it back on but as I did my entire gown fell off to the ground. I stood there stunned wearing only my slip and underwear (exposed/vulnerable). I froze thinking my worse fears had come to pass while at the same time how hilariously funny I must appear standing there near naked. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry but I felt utterly alone and exposed. I couldn’t move and stayed hidden there not daring to walk out into the open and stand on the white platform where I was to meet my groom and exchange vows.

Then my husband-to-be walked around the corner to the spot where I was hiding. He was wearing normal clothing and looked nothing like the Ken Doll man I had seen earlier. In fact he was fat and old and not at all someone I would be attracted to or want to marry. He was smiling and his smile calmed me substantially, making me want to giggle with relief.

He gently pulled aside the heavy, lace veil so I could see him clearly. Something about seeing him made me feel shy and awkward. Then he offered me his hand and introduced himself. There was a feeling from him of, “Let’s do this properly.” I shook his hand and introduced myself in return. I can’t recall either of our names now, not even my own.

He said, “Now, don’t you feel better?” He opened his arms inviting me to hug him. The feeling he sent me was that all would be okay and I was not alone. It washed over me like a blanket and I felt secure and safe. My heart warmed and began to buzz with love and friendship, spreading across my chest pleasantly. I replied to him, “Yes,” and hugged him tightly.

I remember thinking the man unattractive and knowing the old me would reject him. But the me in that moment didn’t care. He could have been the ugliest man in the world, old as dirt and fat as hell and I wouldn’t have cared. With him I could be fully myself. I could cry, be stupid, funny, bitchy, ugly, fat, clumsy, imperfect….and he would accept and love me. None of the rest of my considerations about life mattered anymore. With him I could move mountains.

Afterward

I woke up feeling warmth in my heart chakra and a bliss-type sensation I have not felt in a long time. There was an obvious lesson/message from the dream and I knew it all at once, like I had spent the entire dream in a conversation. The man from the dream was there still, a guide I suppose or maybe someone else, I’m not sure. He continued to talk with me, reassuring me and helping me understand what I had just occurred.

One message was that no plan of mine will turn out quite like I want. I can’t control everything. There will always be twists and turns, unexpected outcomes and challenges.

The dream also showed me how much I put on a show for others, putting all my energy into making others like/accept me, trying to fit in, trying to look good and acquire lots of things. In the end none of it matters, though and all of it, every single falsity will break down and crumble away. In the end I will be left with nothing, completely exposed. When this happens the only thing left is love. The message was that this love is always there, always with me and I am never alone. I felt it, too, in the moment when I hugged the man. I would have given everything in my life for the feeling, to be there with him. In that moment it was enough and nothing else mattered.

When I woke he told me, “You will always have enough.” I saw the path that is my life, the lesson I am learning and I understood. It is hard to put into words now but the feeling and understanding remains. The dream is wholly symbolic of the breaking down of the Ego, the shattering of false self and letting go of things that really do not matter.

The reason I named the dream A Warm Heart(h) rather than “heart” is because when I was typing it “hearth” was what I typed. I recognized the symbolism/message. Home…..Heart…..Hearth….they are all the same thing, bundled up together, warm and cozy and full of love.

Another message I received was that I would achieve the feeling and connection from my dream in this life. It is all I aspire to now anyway. The experience of coming face-to-face with love and friendship such as that has changed me. I can no longer accept anything less and now I struggle to find my way because of the feeling of it being entirely lacking in my life. It was obvious to me that the path ahead will be similar to the dream. I do not look forward to wading across that muddy river but the laughing bubbling up in the dream in response to my utter failure at holding my life together is memorable. I have never wanted to laugh so hard and I am certain had I given into it I would have felt immeasurable relief.

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Lucid Dream within a Dream

I made sure not to ask for any clarification last night prior to sleep. lol Yet I still had an eventful night full of interesting conversations and symbolism.

Dream: New Shrink

Most of this dream was spent next to a shirtless, dark-haired and very handsome man. What more could a girl ask for? lol We were talking for most of the dream about a change that was needed with my “sessions”. Specifically, the word “shrink” was used which I find funny but I think it may have been meant to be funny because I was in a playful mood like I tend to be when I’m OOB. The best way to describe the way I am is mischievous and super loving and expressive. There is a kindness that pervades my personality as well, like I am unable to hurt anyone purposefully. I guess also “innocent” would be a good descriptor, too, as well as “wide open” and “happily vulnerable”. This personality is becoming more and more common in dreamtime and when I experience it I accept myself wholeheartedly without concern or worry that I may be taken advantage of.

Anyway, the conversation centered around me needing a new “shrink” (therapist = guide, counselor, adviser) and a replacement of the old one for reasons that now make no sense. All I recall of the reason now is that some level has been reached. I have brief flashes of a visual of the exchange but it is hard to recall. Ultimately, though, the new shrink was this man I was with who was explaining it all. Most of my memory here is of his bare chest which was quite muscular. I felt a magnetic attraction to him which was surprised me and I mentioned it to him the minute I felt it. I also embraced him and attempted to kiss him. He pulled away, reminding me he was “gay” lol and I was immediately apologetic saying, “I didn’t think a gay guy could be so attractive to me!” and then giggled. lol I don’t know if he was actually gay or if he was trying to remind me that his purpose was not to indulge me. Probably the latter.

I do recall that I asked if Chris would be leaving. I heard he would not and that this new shrink/guide served a different purpose. My guess is he is to help clear blockages. The bare chested man could have been Chris now that I think of it because when I saw him last he looked the similar, was bare chested (naked) and the magnetic attraction and friendship felt between us was the same.

Dream: Biting Fly

In this dream I was with my husband in a bedroom. I remember the room was unfamiliar, maybe a hotel room because the bed was white and the walls plain. There was also a large mirror (truth) over the bed (intimate/private area of life). It was dark in the room and I was preparing for bed. He left and returned and with him came this tiny fly (emotional or physical dirtiness, guilt, breakdown of plan)  that had a yellow and black pattern like a hornet. It kept buzzing around my face and interrupting me to the point that I can’t recall now what I was saying or planning to do. My husband told me to ignore it, that it wouldn’t bite me, but I was not so sure.

Eventually I left the room and went on an errand. I was driving through dark streets and came to an intersection (choices). There was a police officer directing traffic (must adhere to certain rules). I turned left and went onto a college (lessons) campus deciding to head back home because I was keenly aware that I had left my ID (personal identity) behind and was worried the officer knew.

Somehow I ended up with some college girls and then becoming the observer of an entire other dream. It is mostly lost to me now, jumbled up and hard to decipher. What I do recall is that I was observing something to do with me. The story line was that I had been sexually molested as a child but lost all memory of it because I was so young when it happened. There is briefly return to the discussion of “therapy” here.

The next thing I remember is talking to the dark-haired guide again and making a bowl of chicken noodle soup (cowardliness). Then I was looking for a pie (reward for my hard work) as I walked between a washer/dryer (need to resolve issues of past before new start) and being told I could not have any. lol

Lucid Dream within a Dream

Then I was laying down to go to sleep, got settled in and sat up and steped out of my sleeping body. I felt to be in the hotel-like bedroom and knew I was dreaming. I could not see so I turned on my astral vision by blinking and intending to see. My vision cleared immediately and appeared to be wiped clear by invisible windshield wipers.

It was dark in the room I was in but I could see a light in the distance. My first thought was to look for a message. I’m not sure why I thought I was going to receive a message but I went straight toward the bedroom where my husband was sleeping because it appeared white to me and in my mind I saw many white dry-erase boards. To me this meant a message would be there and I wanted to know what it said.

When I got inside the bedroom I saw the scene just as I had left it in the other dream. Full memory of the other dream came to me and I had no interest in pursuing the message. I received from my guidance a message of, “Go ahead already.” lol So I continued the dream. The biting fly was gone and I could see the sleeping body of a man, my husband, in the bed.

I went up to him and crawled under the covers with him putting my hands on him to try and arouse him. My intention was obviously sexual and he did not resist. What is odd here is that when I looked at his face it appeared to be covered in a bluish, see-through, gel mask and the face underneath shifted constantly making it hard to make out the features underneath. My recognition of him was as my ex-husband and also my current husband, like they were two people in one.

I’ll save you the details and just say that I had my way with him and then woke up from a shot of Kundalini energy. Surprised by the way I acted in my dreams I pushed it out of my mind and tried to return to sleep. In hindsight, I suspect my actions were the message. It reveals something about me; what I am seeking. Sex = power, fulfillment, need for love and passion in life.

Instead I entered the in-between where I continued to feel energy in various parts of my body. The sensation lulled me deeper and made it hard to stay conscious of what was going on. I believe this was intentional and that whatever work was being done needed to go unhindered.

What I recall of this time is discussion with my guide and knowing that a timeline had been shifted and there had been delays to the original plan.

Trooper

Considerations

When I woke up I was thinking of my past and how things have played out in this lifetime. There was with this a consideration of how the only thing that really matters in life is the people and relationships you hold dear.

Yesterday afternoon I had a moment of calm and clarity that came out of the blue. I felt very satisfied with my life and happy. So happy that I wanted to reach out to a friend via phone or email and just jabber away and play catch-up. The feeling I had was like I had an outstanding life win and needed to share it, but then I didn’t really have anything in particular to share. lol

Prior to this moment of clarity I had a thought and asked myself, “Looking back on your life, when were you most happy?” What came to mind was when I lived in the country and my dog Trooper was still alive. He was my running partner and I cherished our frequent runs together. He had so much energy and joy. He could run as far as I liked, often 4-6 miles at a time. If I was ever in a bad mood he would cheer me up. He could sense when I was sad and would come and snuggle. And whenever I came home he was always so overjoyed to see me.

With these memories came a question, “If you only had a little time left on Earth, what would you change about your life?” Of course, in thinking of my beloved friend/pet I knew that I would want another dog. Another friend to accompany me on runs and to bring joy to my life and my children’s lives. My daughter has been begging me for a dog almost daily and in that moment I knew I was ready to get another dog.

Afterward I decided I would look online for an Aussie puppy, maybe even the miniature version (they are up to 35lbs when normal Aussies are 55-60 lbs and sometimes more). If I don’t have much time left in this life I would like to experience the love of a pet again even if I have to watch them grow old and die. My children’s lives and my own will be fuller for it.

After this decision was when I realized all the things I withhold from myself. Times when I want to spontaneously pick up the phone and call someone who is special to me. I always stop myself and did so this time, too. Why? Because of fear. Fear they won’t want to talk to me, fear I will want too much to talk to them, fear the expectation will ruin it, fear that I will find out something I don’t want to know….just fear. Yet it is all the times I don’t call, that I don’t reach out, that in the end will be my biggest regrets. Even knowing this, I chose not to act. It didn’t feel right. I’m not sure it ever will feel right again but I was happy nonetheless because I knew I had the ability to choose at any moment to reach out and reconnect. And in knowing that I felt powerful because of my choice and the potential of it.

And I held onto that feeling, the calm and happiness it brought me, held it close to my heart.

 

 

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Extended Dreams

I have not yet shared the occurrences of what I will call “extended dreams” yet because it was not yet known to me. However, I am certain now of the existence of such a dream and the purpose of it.

Extended Dream

This is night two of a dream that goes on all night despite my waking and staying awake and even trying to not dream the same dream. The vividness and detail of the dream sequence cannot be ignored, nor can the very obvious messages and purpose. I am calling this phenomenon an extended dream. It may have another name but I don’t have time to research it. Please let me know if there is such a term so I can use it from now on. 🙂

This is night two of an extended dream sequence. I spent most of the day yesterday contemplating whether to write out another dream sequence since it followed me most of the day, always at the back of my mind. Last night’s is similar so I guess I need to inspect these phenomenon more closely.

Rather than write it all out in detail (which would take way too long), I will summarize it.

The dream sequence repeats on a theme which is that I am either being propositioned for sex or sexual advances are subtly being made toward me. In all instances I am not afraid but very cautious and avoidant. Sometimes the person is a stranger and other times someone I know. This is not the first time this theme has presented itself.

Almost Rape

I was asleep in a bed in an unfamiliar room. I was “at work” but resting.

A man climbed into bed with me. I was not asleep but pretended to be and became very cautious. Why was a man in my bed?

He moved in very close to me, spooning with me. I remained quiet and I heard him express to himself in a whisper, “I wish she would wake up”.

I finally moved and confronted him. He moved in to kiss me and I resisted, turning toward the bedside phone and grabbing it. I picked it up and it was already connected. I heard static and voices on the line. I told the man, “I am calling for help. They will come get you”. He got out of bed and began to leave and I heard voices in the hall. A man and a woman in camouflage approached and said they had heard my call. The promptly took the man away. I felt relieved.

I woke up at this point for a while, asking to astral and was denied.

The dream resumed when I fell asleep. I left the room to visit a friend. She was tall with short blonde hair. I felt uneasy for some reason as I sat and spoke with her and her husband. I suddenly had the idea that I should tell them about the rape. While telling them about it I recalled to myself, “It was a dream, though” but I kept talking as if it were real.

I got plenty of sympathy and the woman went into the other room. The husband, who had reddish orange hair and was familiar to me, came over to me and placed his hand on my left shoulder. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and knew he was coming onto me. I pretended like nothing was going on and he spoke to me about how sorry he was, that no one should be treated that way. He continued to move in close and I could feel his breath on my neck.

His wife came in and he withdrew. I thought to myself, “He is going to keep doing this and I won’t be able to resist”. Part of me wanted to embrace him.

I went outside to get into my car and climbed inside. The seat was in the middle and far up, as if elevated. I could see the control panel and it was like a space ship. The red-haired man was behind me. I got in and told him I had to adjust the seat. I sat in it and pushed a lever but noticed that we were already moving. I told him, “I haven’t even put the keys in!” He told me to steer the car, so I did as I put in the keys and it started up.

The man said he had the address of the attempted rapist. He showed me a paper with it written on it. All I remember now is that is was at the number 101. He gave me directions and I drove the car along a city street that quickly turned into a highway overpass. The speed limit dropped to 25mph and I was nervous as I drove high above the other roads.

I woke at this time and stayed awake again asking to astral. I again heard, “No”.

When I fell back to sleep the dream resumed. I was in front of what appeared to be a casino. I saw this stepped machine and tried to drive my car up it. I instead rammed into it and immediately apologized to the woman behind the counter. I saw I had damaged my car but not the machine. She asked an assistant to look at the machine which promptly fell apart. She told me i had to wait 40 minutes so I told the red-haired man and he went off to look for the rapist.

energyhealingAs I waited I spoke with the Asian lady asking her how she would prove I broke her machine and telling her it was not really broken. I recognized the cameras and gave up and she told me of her dream to become a car salesman. I thought it stupid as I listened to her. I resolved myself to have to pay for my crime.

It was then that I seemed to be both myself and a dark haired man. The Asian woman, who I can see clear as day, watched as I inspected the other casino machines. There was a large, fist sized gold coin and she said, “You found a quarter”. She then told me to do something, so I humored her and did it. She smiled and said, “You won!” and it was thousands of dollars. She took a portion to pay for the damage I had made and handed me a pile of odd looking over-sized green bills. I knew it was $70,000+ dollars and I heard the thoughts of the man (who was also me but not me) and said to him, “You are going to let her keep it, aren’t you?” when I recognized the intent to let her have what she wanted: her own car sales business. I felt happy for her and happy to help her have her dream but at the same time I was completely confused. Only a stupid person would give up that amount of money! Yet the man who was also me did it without reservation and with complete joy.

I awoke still feeling the conflict and wondering about the dream.

I again asked to astral and was told, “No”. I asked why and heard, “Your heart” and along with that came a message that I was healing past hurt, hurt that was done to me and that I had done to others. This healing trumped any OOB exploration. I immediately knew that I was still holding much pain from the many lives where I had been sexually abused or assaulted. I am thankful I do not feel the pain in the present. The pain I have inflicted upon others is also a burden I bear and it causes me to distrust myself. Every dream of sexual advancement is me trying to open up to myself and then rejecting myself. Sigh.