Tag Archives: Messages

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Call Me Yin

This week has been exhausting for me. My husband left Sunday morning for L.A. and then flew to Florida yesterday. He will be gone at least two weeks, maybe longer. If he does come home in two weeks he will leave again after a day or two and be gone another four to six weeks.

So, for a long while I am a single parent. Yay for me.

Right now my biggest complaint is having to wake early and get my two oldest on the bus. This was my husband’s duty before and I enjoyed another 30-60 minutes of sleep/dozing in the morning which is what I prefer. Now just because I am aware that I have to wake early I usually wake up at 5:30am despite not having to be up for another hour. It is very frustrating. Cursed internal clock!

It doesn’t help that my sleep is just not very good right now in general. I sleep deep maybe 4-5 hours a night and then very light the rest of the time with frequently waking.

Thankfully, my job allows me freedom in that I can work from home and get most of my work done. I still work from home the first two days of the week and now, with my husband gone, rather than get to work by 8:30am I come in an hour later and the leave at least an hour before the end of the work day to avoid traffic. I work from home in the mornings to fill in the gaps of missing time and get in my 40 hours a week.

My job is now growing in responsibility. I was informed yesterday that I will be added to the company bank account so I can sign checks. This is a BIG deal and something I do not take lightly. I already print the checks but have to get my boss to sign them. My boss will also be handing over the monthly financial planning duties soon because she will be gone the entire month of March. I am not exactly excited about all this but don’t doubt I can handle it. It may mean I can’t work from home as much as I like, though. 😦

Dreams and Other Things

I’ve been a bit depressed over not having the active dreamtime I am use to. I look forward to my sleep and the experiences that often come with it. But when things are slow or my recall nil I begin to feel a distinct vacant feeling within. I requested assistance last night prior to bed, and despite frequent waking, was given what I asked for.

I had several dreams, most not significant enough to document. There was one where I was seeking to remove a twin bed from a room and replace it with a double. I find this symbolism significant. After I had my first heart connection the twin beds theme came into my dreams. I saw it as symbolic of the “twin flame” idea because there were always two twin beds in the same room, one mine and the other someone else’s. So, to replace the twin bed with a double suggests I am moving forward or making progress, perhaps letting go of the idea of seeking out another to feel whole.

After this dream I had an entire dream sequence where I was in my grandparent’s house trying to sleep in a double bed with my husband. My kids were making too much noise and then music was playing. I should have realized the music was noises-off, indicating I could go OOB but I didn’t. I was just too tired. In the dream I realized my current neighbors were living in my grandparent’s house and we were keeping them awake with our noise so I got up and left, taking my family with me. Outside, we ran into a couple who was fostering so many kids that I lost count. They were picking up bags of seed (continuity of life, preparation) and loading them into trucks (work). So weird!

yinyang

Aliens in my Contacts

One dream in particular was quite odd. In it I was preparing to leave with a man but was a bit late. At the last minute I opted to change sweaters (protection). I intended to grab a Lynyrd Skynryrd sweatshirt and ended up with a sleeveless, very light long-sleeved shirt.

Then I was putting in my contact lenses (refers to “sight” or “vision”). I put in the right one (feminine) but when I went to get the left (masculine) one it did not look right. I was a sphere of liquid filled with alien-like (the unknown) creatures. The man with me told me they needed to regenerate (healing) and to wait a bit. I remember seeing the creatures swimming around inside the sphere and thinking I would not put that in my eye.

Eventually it was time to put the contact in. It looked normal then and so I attempted to put it in my eye but it would not go in and when I looked it returned to a sphere with the creatures swimming inside.

Then I was laying down and a woman was massaging my feet (one’s foundation and understanding) with lotion. It felt really wonderful and I relaxed into it. My entire body felt warm and tingly. I remember being spoken to by a male at this time. He was telling me things that were to come. Unfortunately, I became too lucid and cut the conversation with my overly analytical mind. This is what I recall him saying to me:

You will pierce the veil soon.

I will suffer an act of infidelity by you (then he said something like, though that cannot really happen now can it?)

I began to get lucid at this point, though still in the in-between.

I asked, “What is your name?” He said, “Call me Yin.”  

Of course I began to wonder what all the messages meant. I knew Yin represents the female or passive part of the Yin-Yang symbol. So, why was the masculine voice saying asking me to call him the feminine? Or maybe it was not meant that way at all and just a name? Then I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by the infidelity part. I will “cheat on myself” perhaps? Hahaha Piercing the veil just means something once unknown will become known. I recall him saying to me that I will Know and once I Know I cannot un-Know. This may be a warning and I understand if it is.

 

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And I Feel Fine

Today I feel really, really good. For no reason at all! 🙂 I love days like today. All my perceptions are elevated. Music sounds more amazing and lights me up inside. Color is more vibrant. Food tastes and smells better than usual. My body feels awesome. I feel young and alive. I keep dancing and swaying to the energy of life!

I feel like I someone who is in the midst of falling in love – high on life, giddy happy, optimistic, making plans, seeing possibility in everything.

Today, at the grocery store with my youngest, I felt really high, singing and chatting away with him. I noticed his eyes again. They are marvelous! I wish my eyes looked like his. They look like blue crystals. The picture doesn’t show the crystal-like quality of his eyes, but trust me, it’s there.

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One would think I had some kind of experience to put me in such a mood, but I didn’t, at least not that I can recall. When I woke this morning I did Know something I didn’t know prior to bed, but it wasn’t something positive exactly, so I doubt it would shoot me into a better mood. I only recall bits and pieces now of what I was dreaming about because once I woke it faded quickly. So I doubt my dreams created this feeling, but maybe.

Dream Snippets

I remember interacting with a woman and some others. I kissed her. Can’t recall what she looked like. Brown hair I think.

I remember talking to someone about my purpose. There were two options being shown to me. The one on the right was simple, easy. It looked dismal and gray. The one on the right was brighter and felt challenging. I remember hearing someone remind me of my purpose and bringing up my previous paths of counselor and teacher. My reaction was disinterest. The word “physical” came up regarding work as well. My overall feeling from this interaction was that I was being asked to consider combining all of my past career experiences with my personal trainer certification.

There was a whole sequence of discussions/dreams about a future event. I saw two choices. Again, one on the right and one on the left. The one on the right was the “good girl” path. The one on the left was the more risky one. The risky path had to do with a strong connection with another person. This particular conversation woke me up briefly. I was saying, “I should’ve left.” I could see it all play out and it was my fault.

A portion of a song played in my mind as if to warn me: “It’s the start of us waking up, come on. Are you ready? I”ll be ready.” The “Are you ready?” kept repeating over and over.

In another dream snippet I was talking to a man as I saw a fire on my left in what looked like my back yard. It was getting bigger and bigger. I was saying, “People can die and get hurt really bad in fires. Someone’s going to get hurt.” When I said this the flames literally exploded.

Answer to Question

Maybe my mood has to do with a question I answered on Quora yesterday?

Original question:

If the twin flames journey is to experience being whole within yourself, why do twin flames reunite at all? How come that union is the purpose of the journey if as a soul you are whole and complete anyway?

My answer:

This is a very condensed version of an answer about the part of your question about “being whole within yourself”.

Although we are all Whole and complete as souls, as a soul in a human body most of have become “fractured” because of the trauma, programming and difficulties we’ve endured while occupying a human body. So we forget we are Whole and with that forgetfulness we lose the ability to connect with and merge the masculine and feminine within ourselves. So, when in a body, we are under the illusion that we are incomplete, broken, or otherwise “lacking” in some way and so seek out another/others to fulfilled and bring wholeness to ourselves.

As for the “twin flame” part of your answer, I don’t believe in the phenomena in the way that others do so my answer totally tosses out the part about how “Union” is the purpose of a twin flame journey. Union (within the Self) is everyone’s mission ultimately. Some of us will get there in this lifetime, others won’t. Usually it takes lifetimes to come into Union with(in) ones self but with the ascension this is rapidly accelerating. The twin flame portion of this acts as a catalyst for coming in Union with(in) ones self. Union with another (any other, “twin” or otherwise) is also possible, but only when one is whole within the self.

Once someone has achieved Union within, there is no longer a need or desire to seek outside of themselves that which was previously lacking within – with a twin or anyone else.

She asked me a follow-up question:

Thank you for your answers. I get totally what you are saying. It’s just that not everything is entirely clear to me. Say, if you make it in this lifetime to be truly whole and happy within yourself, what do you need the union for then? If you are entirely happy within yourself, that would mean that you don’t need the other counterpart to fulfill your life, wouldn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I miss my twin and have the desire to be with him on a physical level. No matter how much I love myself unconditionally and how much I have already grown spiritually, not much seems to change on a physical level lately.. but if I should ever reach this state of being totally happy and complete within myself without the need of being together with my twin, what would be the purpose of the union then? It’s also quite irritating that buddhists for example don’t believe in soulmates or twin flames as they believe that the soul is always one. That would mean that twin flames were never one soul as every soul is one already. I get the idea that in the 3d world you learn to become complete within yourself. But how does that everything fit with the twin flame and the union? I hope I didn’t confuse you too much but it’s something I desire to understand.

My response:

I for one agree with the Buddhists, but I am not a Buddhist myself. This is because my experience suggests that the “twin flame” idea is very skewed. The “twin flame” phenomena is very real to the Experiencer, for sure, and I do not intend to invalidate the experiences of those who have them – because I have also experienced what would qualify as such a twin connection! Only I have had more than one experience as have the men who have connected with me. And I miss both of the men who I connected with – they are always in my thoughts and my heart. I continue to have telepathic connections with them and it has become a regular part of my life. BUT I no longer pine for them or obsess or feel I have to have either of them in my life.

I have learned also that there are two types of Union (from the perspective of being in the body anyway) – spiritual and physical. I have yet to experience the latter. Do I want to? Hell yeah! But I am still learning how to function within the former, meaning, yes, I have experienced spiritual Union within myself. Union is not something that just happens once and then it’s done, either – well maybe the physical one is but not the spiritual. On the spiritual side, Union is a process that continues throughout ones time in the body and, as with me, for many lifetimes/incarnations.

So where does the “twin” concept come in? What is its purpose? The purpose is simply to allow both to see, if they choose, aspects hidden or suppressed from view, so that both move closer toward Spiritual Union within.

This may not make sense but it has to do with the idea that we are all ONE. So the progress made by one is also then made for everyone and vice versa. Once the current ‘twin’ has done what is needed to elevate their own and their partners consciousness/energy, then another “twin” experience will occur, and another and another. It’s like a chain reaction until eventually we are all connected by this “chain” of consciousness.

This process is Ascension – the elevation of human consciousness on a worldwide scale. So, what people say about “twins” having a huge mission here is true because it is these connections that are the foundation for what will be a changed, more peaceful and connected world.

I only started answering questions on Quora very recently. Not even sure why, but I sometimes feel drawn to answer certain questions. This was one of them. I answered the initial question several days ago but the follow-up question was sent in an email notification today, so I answered. I had not expected the last two paragraphs of my reply to the follow-up question. It sat with me throughout the morning and it felt – still feels – very accurate, especially the part about continual “twin”-like connections creating a “chain” that eventually will connect the entire world. THAT really resonates.

In fact, I think it sums up my mission here really well. Help with the Ascension – Yep. What better way to help than to be one of the first links on that ever-expanding chain of connection?

And if you take my Quora response and add it to my dream snippets, it seems to indicate that, whether I like it or not, more heart connections (twin-like connections) are on the horizon for me. Yet I am not at all discouraged by this fact. I embrace the idea. In fact, it fills me with joy. There is nothing more that I would want for the world than to experience that connection and Oneness. When that happens the Earth will be forever changed for the better.

I keep getting a vision of a person jumping into the air and clicking their heels together. LOL Then a song comes to mind:

Heel Click photo credits. 

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Message: Awakening

Surprising night of dreams.

First, I woke around 4:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep because I heard this ticking in the walls. It sounded like a clock. I couldn’t find the source of it and had to turn on the fan to drown out the sound so I could sleep.

As I was trying to go to sleep, I felt a presence to my left. When acknowledged a surge of energy went through my body filling me with bliss. It started at my heart chakra and spread outward. I melted into it. He said to me something telepathically – it was more a feeling than words. It felt like I was being asked, “Are you ready?”

Lucid Dream: Zero

The dream began with me inside a high school classroom. I was looking at the lesson plan left by the teacher. It was a history class (review of past lessons) and the lesson was that the kids would read a chapter and then complete a worksheet. Only there was only one worksheet there. I told the class and they encouraged me to make copies of the worksheet telling me there were 20 of them. I left them despite knowing it was not good to leave a class unattended.

I found the copy machine in the lounge and a teacher was finishing up her copy (repeat lesson). She helped me with mine and I pressed in “20” and waited. The machine was glitchy and I recall having to check the copies and redo. The first time I got copies of hand written pages that I accidentally put through. The next time I had fewer copies than I needed and had to put in 5 more. The button would glow blue and I would have to press it again. I remember feeling nervous that it was taking so long and the kids were still in the room alone.

Eventually, an older Asian man came in and set some things down in the middle of the floor by the machine. He had with him many objects including a sheet cake with chocolate frosting that he set on the floor in front of me. I believe it was my birthday cake (new journey). He then lit the candle on the cake but they began to melt into the frosting and light the cake on fire (Kundalini or passion perhaps?). I leaned down and began to blow out the candles and the fire on the frosting. I remember saying the cake was fine after I blew out the fire.

Then I walked into a classroom filled with adult students. There were long tables in rows facing the font of the class. I took a seat at the front table but it was not the seat I originally wanted. Someone had taken my seat. I said aloud, “I guess I have to sit here since someone took my seat.” I saved a place to my right for someone but I do not know who.

The class was like an anatomy class and the teacher handed out stickers we were to place on our partners on the correct muscles.

Then I was entering the class (lesson) again and sat down at the second table. A man was seated in front of me and was not wearing a shirt. I could see his broad shoulders and muscular back. I had with me the stickers to place on my partner and said to him, “I prefer you as my partner. I can see your muscles very well. Everyone else (looking around the room) has at least 1 inch or more of fat covering their muscles.” I remember looking at the woman who had taken my seat and all the people at the front table as examples.

I began to place small, crescent shaped (moon, feminine) stickers on the man’s back. The sticker sheet resembled an image of the inside of the mouth with teeth (fulfilled wishes). My memory goes from the stickers to the man’s back, specifically his broad shoulders.

The man then invited me to come with him. I agreed. He took me through a door into what he called the “otter room”. I saw canals of water (emotion) that was flowing like a tube-shoot at a water park. In the water I saw several otters (playfulness, good fortune) swimming and a huge brown bear (independence, strength, death/renewal) chasing one. I said to the man, “There is a bear chasing the otter!” He responded as if it were normal but I was shocked.

At some point we joined with others and I realized we all seemed quite young – 20s maybe. The man I was with was suppose to be with another woman but she was not there. The dream is quite fuzzy here but I remember the man and I getting close, face to face, our bodies rubbing up against each another. His chest was still bare but he was wearing bluejeans. He was quite handsome and I enjoyed being close to him and feeling his bare chest pressed up against me. I felt him become aroused and knew he wanted to kiss me. I allowed him to and the kiss seemed to bring about lucidity all at once but I was able to stay stable in the moment and enjoy the kiss. The sensations of it all were very real.

He stopped, out of breath, and looked at me, pupils fully dilated from the passion he was feeling. All I remember of this part of the dream was the way he looked at me. It was fantastic. lol We stayed there facing each other and holding hands for a while. He called me by a nickname I can’t remember and I said, “What do you want to be called?” He smiled and said back to me, “Zero.” Only the word sounded more like, “Cero”, like he had a Spanish accent. I responded with, “Cero? I like that!”

Then we kissed some more. I remember the scene we were in to be swirling with a golden color. Always in motion as if we were creating the space with our energy. It felt neither to be inside or outside. The golden color is very prominent in my memory.

He stopped, out of breath, and said to me, “I want to fuck you.” lol I was fully agreeable and he took my hand and led me toward a door. Fully lucid at this point, I was thinking to myself that I needed to keep my emotions and feelings in check so as to not lose lucidity. I wanted to be able to go all the way in a lucid dream without waking up. Surprisingly, I was able to remain very stable in the scene and remember the man turning and looking at me expectantly as we walked toward the door. I could feel my hand in his and sense the anticipation building.

Sadly, as we walked through the door the scene dematerialized and went black. My awareness briefly returned to my physical body and then exited back to the golden dream scene only the man I had been with was gone. I was surrounded by a group of young men. The energy from them was intense and full of passion and arousal like the man I had been with before. Usually, this kind of energy would intimidate me but I was not at all bothered by it. It seemed normal and I trusted that they would all keep themselves under control, which they did.

I told one of the young men I wanted to find Cero. He said he would help but that he wanted to show me something first. He took my hand and led me to a large, white RV (feeling empowered, live life to the fullest), like a Winnebago. The group of young men followed. As I climbed the stairs into the RV one of the young men who was behind me seem to insert something into my anus, or at least it felt energetically like that. This is not unusual for me to feel in my root chakra as I have had many experiences of tubes or cylinders seeming to be inserted via my root and then go all the way up to my crown. I tried to keep going but the sensation stopped me and my root chakra began to activate to the point of pulling me out of the lucid dream.

Message: Awakening

The song by the Black Keys – Fever – was going through my mind when I woke up. I began to mull over my dreams. Images from my dreams kept flashing through my memory. The cake that was on fire was one of them. The RV another.

Then I couldn’t help but think of the ticking I heard in the walls. What was that? I was reminded of an Edgar Allen Poe story about a beating heart. I couldn’t remember the title and began to try to remember it. When I did I saw distinctly a poem written in front of me. The title was huge and written in beautiful calligraphy. It said, “Awakening.”

This woke me briefly and then I settled back into the in-between. Not long after a hand-written letter was presented to me. I saw my name and then began to read it. The message had to do with the process I am going through, but, of course, I can’t recall it now despite repeating it to myself mentally more than once. Whatever the message, it was not a bad one.

 

 

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Dream: Future Prediction

After yesterday evening’s dream about the “dog races”, I had an similar experience in real life. No, I didn’t go to the dog races. 🙂 We had a tiny dog venture into our back yard. It looked very much like the tiny dogs I saw in my dream. At first I couldn’t figure out how he got in. He kept evading capture by going under the fence into our neighbor’s back yard but always came back to our yard, sitting and licking himself as if he thought it was his new home. Eventually, I realized he had come in through a gate from the front yard. The kids must have left it open and he wandered in (I’m surprised our dog didn’t get out!). The gate was partially open but he would not go through it when I tried to get him to. So I had to prop it wide open so that it was obvious and he finally turned tail and ran back out to the front of the house.

After the dog was out and I had re-latched the gate, my dream came back to mind and I laughed to myself. I remember thinking, “He (the dog) always knew the way out. I just had to remind him by opening the gate a little wider.” And of course, this was the message to me as well – I have always known the way out. I said to myself, “You get out the same way you got in.”

So then, how did I get “in”? What path did I follow? And how, then, does that path lead to the exit? But then I would have to determine what predicament/situation I want to get “out” of in the first place!

Form letters for everyday life - The Brock Press

Dream: Future Prediction

The dream start is fuzzy now. I recall standing outside with a very large group of people. The sky was blue and dotted with fluffy clouds. Each person was handed an official looking envelope. My husband was with me and opened his. I followed suit and opened mine. Inside were predictions of our future. The time frame seemed to be random. Mine gave me a snapshot of my life at age 53.

What I read was not good. It seemed I had opted to take lower paying, lower responsibility jobs to the point that I ended up with work that was well beneath my ability level. This kept me from being challenged and helped me avoid stress and stressful situations and relationships with people. I did this purposefully but it ended up leaving me with few friends and very little feeling of accomplishment. I was shown that the projection of my life was that I would retire early because I didn’t want to work anymore and I would end up old and alone/lonely because I would have alienated most if not all friends/family by the time of my death.

My husband had his and was smiling and wanting to read mine. I wouldn’t let him and did not read his but I knew his forecast was positive.

We ended up going to a place where we could be “adjusted”. It was like a church building where we were evaluated and then set up for treatment which seemed to involve the person laying down and being worked on. I was evaluated quickly and sent to the waiting room while my husband received treatment.

I seemed to wait forever. Lots of other people were waiting also. I grew tired and irritable. Someone commented on my irritability, saying the source of it was boredom. I didn’t argue. A very large woman sat next to me. She was friendly and we got along. She noticed I was tired and positioned herself so that I could lean on her. I ended up laying my head on her breast and nodding off.

When my husband finally came out he was smiling and refreshed. I complained that he took so long and that I never got called in. He pulled our SUV up and called me to get in. All the doors were open and I grumpily climbed in. I saw another car trying to pull out but it was cornered by other cars. I thought it would never get out but it somehow maneuvered itself out and drove away.

Considerations

When I woke I was startled by the dream prediction to the point that I couldn’t help but think it was in response to the thoughts I had on my mind as I went to bed. I had been reviewing my old blog posts from 2016 onward, noticing trends, followers, likes, comments, etc. It is obvious that I have lost many followers, likes have declined, as have comments. My best guess as to the reasons for this is my content. I write a lot of posts about dreams, which in and of itself is probably not interesting to too many people. And then many of my posts have a “poor me” feeling to them, which few enjoy. The trend indicates very slow progress. I seem to have stalled out. And then I think I write too much about how my life is not like I want it to be but then take no action to change it.

So, right before bed I was considering what changes I would need to make. I thought maybe I might need to take another social media break, but I wasn’t sure and my gut told me to sleep on it. Then I get an entirely different outlook indicating that what I may need to change is my perspective regarding my work/career. Interesting!

I was talking to my husband about my dreams this morning and we ended up discussing my current work situation. I explained that I purposefully chose the job to avoid stress and people – just like the type of work mentioned in my dream. At some point I said this to him to describe my circumstances:

It’s the avoidance of things that make you uncomfortable that keeps your life the same.

He said to me, “That is good. Text it to me.” Had he not I wouldn’t have remembered it!

He said he thought that I needed to step up and take on more responsibility, that it was my dislike of the type of work that was my discomfort. I told him, “No. It’s things that scare me that make me uncomfortable.”

Work Woes

Speaking of work, the lady who I was hired to help is in the hospital. She just finished all her chemo and had been given the all-clear by her doctors. All traces of cancer gone. But ever since Thanksgiving she has been home sick with neuropathy. But last night it escalated and she ended up in the E.R.

Our boss updated us this morning saying that the cancer had metastasized into her brain. Somehow the doctors didn’t catch it and even after all that nasty chemo the cancer was not eradicated. Really awful news.

The news has been pretty devastating to everyone at the office. She has worked there for over 15 years and everyone loves her.

Something I noticed at work when everyone discussed her situation – they all acted sad and concerned but seemed to want to quickly forget everything and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible. I remember thinking – they are already moving on, even before she has even died. And for a moment I grieved for her loss; that she had already become a memory before even leaving this world.

My husband and I went to see her in the hospital. They only allowed one person at a time in her room. When my husband came out he had been crying. 😦 When I went in I smiled and stayed cheerful. She seemed just fine and had her wits about her but she was also very peaceful about everything. She didn’t seem one bit concerned about her situation.

Now it looks like whether I want to or not I will be taking on more responsibility. Eventually, ALL her responsibilities will be mine. Honestly, it’s not what I wanted but when I see how everyone is responding and all that needs to be done, I know that I would be doing her a disservice if I were to leave now.

Create Gender and Orientation Symbols With Basic Shapes in ...

Dream: Woman Lover

I wanted to mention one more dream because it seems to indicate continued healing relating to women.

This dream began inside a very large mobile (not permanent) home (self). My mom was living there and the family was gathered for an unknown reason. A dark haired, very attractive woman was there as well. She and I were attracted to each other. Before we met up, though, I was inside a classroom arranging what looked like swing sets for the children to occupy as I taught class. There was a baby swing that needed adjustment and I remember moving it and adjusting the height. My memory fades out here, though.

Then I am in a bedroom (private self) with the dark haired woman. It is my mom’s bedroom. The dark haired woman closes the door and invites me to come to her. We begin to make out. The sensations of kissing are very real. I remember enjoying her kisses, her mouth, very much. We end up on the floor next to the bed as we try and hide in case someone comes in. It gets really passionate but clothes stay on, though hands explore and there is a lot of touching. The woman resists going further and puts her hand to her lips saying “Shhh” as if to remind me we need to stay quiet. My mom then calls and we stop and I wake up.

When I woke up I was again confused as to having a woman lover but thinking, “At least this time she is full grown.” lol There was no disgust or resistance to the dream scenario. In fact, there has not been any such thing for all the similar dreams I’ve had with women. As far back as my dreams go, in fact, I have not had any considerations regarding women in that regard. It is like I always feel they are equal to men in a sexual/romantic sense. This is very different from how I am in waking reality, though.

As I woke more fully I wondered about the dream. A song came to mind as if to pass on a message. I specifically heard, “I want you to be happier.”

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Converging Timelines

So the long anticipated 11-11-11 is today. How do you feel? I feel normal. Yesterday I was high on life. Today a little less high but not low either. Neutral. It feels once again like a transition period, a flowing from one condition or state to another. Perhaps this is the very definition of “portal”? It seems fitting to me anyway.

I was told not along ago in a dream that 11-11-11 was the date of a “convergence”. At the time I had no idea what it meant and even speculated that perhaps it was for 2019 because in the dream the calendar I saw seemed to be a year in the future. Today, though, I’ve concluded that this convergence is the converging of timelines; a reconstitution of what was with what IS. For me, personally, this has been experienced by taking what was good and real/true from the past and pulling it forward to merge with this present timeline. All those things from the past that I’ve held onto or that have been destructive, have been laid to rest. I choose what I keep and discard, of course. We all do.

The method of deciding what to keep and discard came from looking at things that were painful to me and finding the source/truth behind that pain. Why am I still hurting? Is it based upon a lie? When I inspect it using my heart as my microscope, what do I see?

Surprisingly I discovered the basis of it all was the same as it had always been. It remained unchanged and solid despite my wanting to disassemble it with doubt. I could close off my heart and pretend it was all a dream but that didn’t make it so. It just meant it was hidden, faked out until my heart protested so loud I could not ignore it any longer.

The True Self always shines through no matter how much it is buried. The heart cannot be killed, only injured. Wounds can be healed. And the song on my mind this morning echos this message: “We’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”.

The Nature Remedy

Yesterday was a really good day for me. As I have mentioned recently, this crazy all-over-the-place energy seems only to respond to one treatment – nature. I have been feeling called outside since the end of October and yesterday was no different. So I went for a trail run and spent about two hours immersed in nature. I encountered few other humans (four hikers and a mountain biker) and at least a dozen deer.

It was eerily silent on the trail. So much so that when I stopped and just listened it would trigger a tiny panic inside that was fueled by imaginings of getting lost, hurt or worse and not able to get help. When I looked at the panic I realized it came from my past trips into the Rockies in Montana. The sounds on the trail in the present mimicked those past experiences so much that it transported me to the past. Of course, the hill country of Texas is nothing like Montana and it was easy to laugh off. Instead I relished the familiarity of being surrounded by nature and feeling small and powerless to the elements/wildlife rather than in control of them. It is humbling but beautiful because with acceptance you feel One with it all, which is how it is suppose to be.

It was so enjoyable that I daydreamed about spending the entire day on the trail. It felt so much more aligned with who I am than getting back in my car and driving to suburbia!

Here are some pictures from the trail. It was overcast and cold (49°). When I got to the car I looked like I had been in a fight with a tree and lost. Hair a mess and filled with tiny needles from cedar trees (junipers). LOL

 

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I spent the remainder of the day after this trail run laying around and recuperating. 8 miles of running will do that. 🙂 The tiredness sent me to bed early and led to a dreamless sleep. However, I did have some conversations with my partner/guide upon waking. I need to share a previous dream for them to make sense, though.

Dream: Garage Room (11/09/18)

This dream is fuzzy now. In the beginning I saw a row of corn (domestic bliss and harmony) that stood as tall as a person. It lined the edge of a garden. I remember noticing a large mustard plant (success and wealth) growing where a corn plant should be. I mentioned to someone that it looked like a weed but rather than pull it, I looked closely at it, noting how it was flourishing. I didn’t want to pull a plant that was doing well unless it was hindering the growth of the corn, which it wasn’t.

Near the garden I saw a downed fence (barriers/obstacles) and heard a dog barking (grumpiness, disgruntled companion) persistently on the other side of it. I went to investigate and saw a standard poodle (upper class attitude) chained (feeling retrained) to a post. It was barking so ferociously that it broke the chain (released) and came running at me. I wasn’t afraid, though, and let it yip at my feet. The owner of the dog had come out and was watching from the stoop of her house. I thought it odd that she would just let the fence lay there on the ground and not do something to fix it so that her dog could be contained.

The dog quieted and licked my hand (protection, fidelity) as I walked toward the woman. She took me inside the house (self) and I saw that it was very small, like one bedroom. I could see all the rooms from the center of the house. Through the window I could see that the house had a very small yard and was positioned in such a way that it was at the end of a dead-end street. The woman said that the yard was maintained by the subdivision and that her husband only had to tend to the small patch of grass where the dog had been.

I noticed a den (work, efficiency) along the side of the living room (boundary between public and private self). It had closet (keeping something hidden) doors on it and on the other side was the laundry room inside the bathroom (cleansing). I remember thinking it big enough to be considered a second bedroom (private self, sexual nature). Inside the den there was a strange ledge. I was told it was to allow for the parked car in the garage. I realized the room was actually part garage (inactivity, idleness, feeling lack of direction) and not big enough to be a bedroom after all.

Vision and Message

When I woke this morning and had no dream memories I lingered in bed for a while. My partner in Spirit was close and reassuring me that what I want will manifest. As we talked I fell into the in-between. I was running along a dirt trail when I came upon a field of mustard in bloom. Underneath the tall mustard grass I could see old, gray tombstones – a cemetery. Seeing this brought me out of my reverie quickly. My guide told me that he was there to help; that he wanted me to have what I want in life and was there to help it manifest. It was reassuring to me to have him so close, to know I am not alone.

To dream of being in a cemetery symbolizes the end to a habit or behavior; the experience of a rebirth. It can be sadness, unresolved grief and/or fear of death, too. The feeling of this particular cemetery was that something is being “put to rest”.

Mustard symbolizes success and wealth. This is in contrast to the dream (above) where there was just one mustard plant blooming alongside rows of corn. It seems the success part is growing exponentially.

Alongside the cemetery symbolism, the message seems to be that when something is put to rest – dies – something new can be born. This something new, symbolized by the mustard plants, bring success. That is a message I am glad to receive! I am not sure what is “dying” here, though, but most certainly it is related to the past.

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Huge Push and 2 OBEs

I’ve had a rough few days since my last post. Yesterday was the worse. I was grieving all day. Grieving for a loss before it has happened. Little things were causing upset. I was crying over stupid stuff and those little things were triggers for something bigger.

I am being pushed right now. It comes from deep within and has been intensifying with each day. I’ve been pushed before. My tendency is to wait it out and up until now that has worked. I think, “If I wait long enough it will go away”. This time feels different, though. I don’t think waiting it out will work.

Last night I kept waking up. Our a/c is cutting off periodically and my husband did not go into the attic to investigate and clear the overflow pan. The a/c wasn’t turning back on. Each time I woke up I had sweat on my brow. Too hot to get good sleep. I would go reset the a/c, it would turn on and then go off again without cooling the house.

At 3:30am I woke and the a/c NEST thermostat had no power. I had to flip the breaker. It was nearly 80 degrees in the house! I opened the window and tried to sleep. Then I felt the air turn on and it got cool enough for me to sleep.

time

Lucid to OBE: Time Flies

I returned to sleep and set the intention to project.

I was aware of being in my bed, eyes still heavy with sleep, attempting to determine whether I was really awake or dreaming. Quite a bit of this part of the experience is lost to me now but I recall attempting to separate from my body. I did not realize yet that I was dreaming and so separation was unnecessary.

All at once the scene shifted and I was inside a house with people I was visiting. They all seemed to know me and me them but I have no idea who they were, only that they were dark haired and related but not by blood. One woman came up to me and I recognized her. I hugged her while saying, “Meredith!!” She hugged me back and turned toward the bedroom behind her. A young woman who looked just like her was lying in the bed very pregnant. I was confused. Were they both Meredith? Or was it mother and daughter?

I headed to the opposite side of the house (a mobile home) and into a familiar bedroom. I got into the bed and once again felt the heaviness of sleep take over. My eyes heavy, I struggled to stay awake. A young, dark haired man came in and began talking to me. I was in his room. We seemed to know each other. I had memories of him being much younger, like 10 years old, yet he was obviously much older – a man. He sat down on the bed next to me. I told myself to wake up as I attempted to put on clothing. I was in this man’s bed wearing only my underwear! But he seemed not to mind or care. We were family after all.

I managed to pick up my shorts but could not get my legs into the right holes (lol). I was  completely unable to keep my eyes open long enough to focus. The young man was to my left sitting very close talking cheerfully about the family and things that had happened over the years. I sat staring off into space. I saw a military ID tag with numbers on it. It floated mid-air in my vision and woke me up a bit. I turned to him and asked him about it. He motioned to a bag and I said it was not what I saw, that it was military in origin. I don’t remember the number now, just that it was 4 digits, maybe 1406.

This is when I began to wake up. I turned and looked at the man and saw how young he was (early 20s probably). He was smiling and I recognized him, though from where, I am unsure. He had dark hair, twinkling brown eyes and medium skin tone. He kept talking and I listened. He was asking me to stay for a while, inviting me to join him and the family in the living room. As I focused on him I felt a strong pull from my heart area. It felt like my heart expanded toward him and a rush of Divine connection began to fill me up. I stopped it, though, panicking and saying to myself, “No!!” The connection immediately severed. My reasons for severing the connection was his age – he was too young. The man seemed not to notice.

He got up to use the restroom and I again noticed him. He was wearing boxers and t-shirt. I realized he was very comfortable and at ease around me. I saw a box on the dresser and inspected it. It was full of marijuana. I mentioned it, saying I had not smoked in years. He replied, “Stay a while and we can smoke some together.” Then he left me in the room alone and I continued to try and get dressed.

I sat on the bed for a bit feeling drowsy. A man came in and sat next to me on the bed where the young man had sat. He was much older, maybe in his 50s. He had salt and pepper stubble on his face, kind brown eyes and salt and pepper hair. He smiled at me as he sat there and I knew he was the young man all grown up. Again he was very familiar and felt like family to me. I turned and looked at the clock and saw it was past 5pm. It felt like I had been there all day! There was a sense here that the clock represented the passage of time, only rather than hours and minutes it was years.

Then a family was standing in the room with me – a mom, dad and three children. I remember being told by someone (a voice) that they had come seeking my counsel. The mother looked at the father and said something firmly with a very serious tone. Her words are lost to me now but I believe she was saying her mind was made up and she was leaving him. He responded with, “But what about the kids? They need you.” He pointed to the youngest, a little blonde boy no older than 4. The father was against her leaving. I shifted perspective to the woman and looked specifically at the littlest. She/I said, “He will be okay as long as you and I are both in his life.” I remember complimenting them on their family as they left but feeling a sadness wash over me that did not make sense.

I finally went into the living room and there were some others milling about, all young (20’s). For some reason I came into full awareness. I saw the front door and went outside. There was a porch with wood railings the length of the house. I jumped up on the railing. The young dark haired man followed me. I turned, feeling adventurous all of a sudden, and said, “Watch this.” I jumped on top of the railing and grabbed onto the roof overhand. I swung a while and then let go, knowing I could fly. I floated there and lost vision.

OBE : Set an Intention

I sensed my body only briefly before I exited back into the scene. I was in the air near the house floating over the treetops. In front of me was a beautiful city, rooftops in all directions scattered across hilltops covered in trees whose leaves were already changing color for Fall. The sky was crimson with streaks of orange dotted with puffy, white clouds on a background of deep blue. It was breathtaking!

I felt myself being pulled up and I surrendered to the sensation while expressing that I did not want to go up. I remember thinking, “I need to set an intention.” I don’t remember saying anything, though. Instead I thought of something that made my heart instantly ache with a yearning I cannot describe. I became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. I stopped mid-air, overcome with a grief that seemed to have no origin. Realizing that I could not stay in such a state, I shifted out of the emotion immediately, as if it were just a passing moment and nothing of concern.

I flew a while and spotted a group of women in an open area. I hovered over them and listened in on their conversations. They saw me but did not care that I was floating. Somehow I knew the women. Everything they said to me I wrote down very carefully on a paper in my mind. None of it I recall now, of course! One woman’s name was Marcia, though, and I recall telling the women matter-of-factly that they had each purposely came here with few social/family connections. Marcia, however, would become one who had a great many. In my mind I saw their positions as if part of a web. Each of them were at the ends of the web but Marcia was closer the center. I knew the women had purposefully chosen their positions for the experience. I knew I was like them.

I flew on past them after telling them my observations. I came to a door. A nun was inside. I could just barely see her through the tiny window. She asked me for help saying they would not let her out and she needed a code. I went to the right of the door and saw a man in uniform standing behind a desk. I asked him to open the door and let her out. He would not.

The experience starts to break up here. I recall feeling emotional again and shutting it down quickly.

Messages

I returned to my body but lingered in the in-between for a while. There was a discussion with a male guide that was quite long, but I can’t remember much of it now except that I was drinking a very large glass of something that was to help me heal. I also remember seeing my mid-section ripped open but it was energetic, not physical. I remember discussing what I knew needed to be done. The male guide told me, “Don’t worry, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

Several songs were on my mind as I woke. One was a Christmas song but I don’t remember which one. The other two came one after the other:

Dido White Flag – I will go down with this ship. I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I’m in love, and always will be.

Rachel Platten Fight Song– Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match but I can make an explosion. This is my fight song. Take back my life song.

 

 

 

 

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Eros, Psyche and Sappho

Right after I wrote my last post about receiving the date of October 27th, I happened upon an astrology blog post that listed the astrological events for the rest of the year. And guess what? October 27th made the list.

It said, “Sappho station at 27 Gemini”.

Of course, that meant absolutely nothing to me. lol So I went digging, Googling Sappho and ran into Eros and Psyche along the way.

I got a bit distracted by Eros and Psyche. Pretty interesting stuff.

Here is the first site I found: Eros, Psyche and Sappho Sign Table. Problem is, I never found the Sappho table. Sure wish I could find it…. I think they accidentally wrote “Sappho” in the page address because the actual title of the page reads, “Eros and Psyche Sign Tables”.

Eros = God of erotic love (I like him already).
Psyche = Goddess of the Soul.

Knowledge of their positions by sign can give us insight into how individuals express their erotic and romantic impulses, and the type of sexual and romantic chemistry that is generated between two people.

That hooked me. I had to look up the sign Eros and Psyche was in when I was born…and then I had to look up the signs of my husband….and then someone else…well you get the idea. lol

Results

Drumroll…….

Eros = Gemini
Psyche = Leo (I’m awesome)

So Ero in Gemini has these characteristics which ALL describe me and I laughed out loud when I read them:

They can be turned on by spoken and written words (didn’t know this until recently).
They tend to talk during sex (well now you know). 
It’s hard to turn off their minds and let go when having sex (sad but true).

I couldn’t find what Psyche in Leo is like. I suspect it somewhere along the lines of selfish and egotistical but also very expressive and caring. Since my sun is in Leo I know how all that goes.

My husband is:

Eros= Aries
Psyche = Cancer

Eros in Aries – These people instinctively and quickly become infatuated. Their sexual attractions are formed quickly and they get off on the sensations of the moment in an intense manner. These lovers may seem a little erratic to others, simply because their passions rise and fall so quickly. They are not as giving and emotional in their sexual expression, but they are passionate while it lasts. Eros in Aries people are attached to the sensations of the moment and may see their partner as an object, or an extension of themselves. They often prefer to do the pursuing in relationships and may be addicted to the conquest. Source

Not saying anything about this except, “Yep.” He may disagree, though (likely).

There is a cool Love Sign Compatibility Grid where you use the Eros and Psyche signs to find out your compatibility with your partner. When I used it for me and my husband I got the colors beige and magenta (depending on whose Eros and Psyche I use). Beige is not understanding each other’s love styles. Magenta is HOT. So maybe we are hot and cold depending on our mood, which seems about right, too.

I did other partner’s I’ve had but I’ll save you from that one. It was just for fun and spot on just the same. One particular one was double Magenta. Sigh.

Anyway, see why I got distracted? Back on track……I was looking for Sappho….

I finally looked up where Sappho is in my chart and found it is at 24 Aries 58′ 39″. Not sure what that means entirely but at least I found it.

All this because of the October 27th date coming up in my dream. What do I make of it? Well, if Sappho is the astrological event of that day, maybe the message is related to love? I can’t be sure but I am hoping it is not related to the lesbian theme popping up in my life of late. Ha! If so, jokes on me I guess….again.

 

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Dream: October 27th

I’m exhausted today despite a full night’s sleep. Whatever is going on energy-wise is kicking my butt just a little bit (tiny bit :)) right now. I had a headache yesterday and woke with one this morning as well. I am experiencing a mental state that is a little odd. It’s kind of like brain fog I guess. I’m not forgetful, I just don’t have the energy to give a shit. lol

I’m still feeling urged to be social and so I have been more than usual. Twice this week I’ve met up with my new workout buddy. It’s fun for me because I get to use my NASM personal trainer certificate to help someone other than myself reach their personal fitness goals. The first workout I visited her gym with her and I made up a full-body circuit right on the spot. I worked out alongside her but kept my weight low and slowed my pace quite a bit because she was trying to keep up with me. After two circuits I could tell she was done but she was super psyched about it and wanted to meet the next day. I suggested a two day rest.

We met at my house last night and she brought her daughter over so she could hang out with my daughter (they’re best friends). She was at my house from 6:30-9pm. The workout was only 45 minutes of that. Again I created a workout on the spot (easy for me). I went slower than I normally would but it was fun to help her. Afterward I helped her determine her body fat percentage and calculate her calories while answering all her questions (she had a lot).

She is very talkative, thus the extended visit. I learned a lot about her – she’s a decade younger than me, a Scorpio (and likes astrology), and she is trying to go back to school to finish her bachelor’s degree is accounting. I sense from her a desire to hang out with me much more than a workout buddy. Though I do not feel resistant to that, I can tell that if I let her, she could end up making me feel a bit smothered because she is so lonely. 😦

By the end of the visit I was more exhausted than normal. This is not unusual for me when I hang out with people. It feels like I am sucked dry of energy after prolonged social interaction. Yet I was very patient and attentive with her and have no plans to stop working out with her. This reaction is strange to me because usually a night last night would have me purposefully avoiding the person afterward. I’m not quite sure what, if anything, this means, but I feel like I need to do what I am doing. This is not something I am doing for me anyway.

Dream: October 27th

I woke suddenly from a dream this morning. It left me with a feeling that something big is on the horizon – big as in ascension-related. “One giant leap for mankind” comes to mind when I think of how I felt upon waking.

one small step for mankind quote

The dream began with me surrounded by family. I recognized them in the dream but I cannot place any of them now. I had given birth to a fourth child, a son (OMG lol) and was talking to my husband about how disappointed I was that he was an Earth sign. He was born on October 27th so that is Scorpio. Not sure why I was saying he was an Earth sign. I remember saying I wished he was a Libra and being reminded that one of my sons is an Aries. It was like I had forgotten my youngest and when I remembered him I was very pleased, thinking it was good that there was another Fire sign in the family.

The baby (new beginnings) was being held and passed around as we talked about him. I remember the baby talking to me, too, but can’t remember what he said now. He was very animated and walking around (potential and possibility await) despite being a baby. There are flashes of the calendar here. I kept seeing October 27th and a part of me was confused because I knew the date was in the future yet we spoke as if it were in the past.

Then I was inside a room that looked like a cross between an office and a classroom. There were tall bookshelves, school supplies, posters and equipment in the room. I was sitting at a table next to a student who I knew was special needs. Next to us at the end of the table was another student, also special needs. In an adjacent room I could see yet another student sitting at a table watching a screen.

I got up to talk to the student in the other room. He was staring at a computer screen. I was very friendly to him and learned that he was doing his assignment, though I don’t know the nature of it. I mainly recall that these students were all “special” and that others did not recognize just how special they were. They had hidden abilities. In the dream I thought of them as having Asperger’s and similar types of disabilities.

Two other workers were in the room with me. Sometimes I felt to be a student there but mostly I felt to be an employee. I remember doing a test as a student. I only recall now that I created objects in a screen in front of me, like a projection. I was creating a church (sacredness and spiritual nourishment) and made it too big and so changed it with the thought, “No, smaller”. I remember being aware of dreaming at this time, but for some reason I did not wake up.

At one point in the dream I was in the classroom and suddenly realized that the two other workers had degrees in social work and were facilitators of some kind of long-term scientific study. I remember talking to them about it, saying, “I am so glad I took this job!” I was impressed and wanted very much to stay but felt under qualified because I did not have a degree in social work (maybe literally means my social work). One of the other two workers pointed at me and said I had been chosen for the job and I was very honored.

The dream is blurry here but the feelings I had in it are not. The feeling was very big, like something important, and I remember both being told about and feeling this energy that started in my chest and spread outward in all directions. There is also memory of being told that one test had completed and another was soon to begin. The test that completed had lasted only a few weeks but the next one would be longer. Again, October 27th came up.

Considerations

Prior to bed I had felt a presence but I had been so tired that I didn’t pay it much attention. This presence asked me if I was ready to deal with something that needed handling. I began to feel emotional at one point, realizing that I needed to finish something left incomplete. I believe this unfinished business is related to 2015-2016.

Regardless, it seems the end of the month may be when things start to shift. We’ll see I guess. To my astrologer friends, if you know of any significance to the end of the month, fill me in. 😉

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Dream: How to Give a Good Hug

Another good night’s sleep. 🙂 So very thankful!

Dream: How to Give a Good Hug

The dream began in a hospital (need to improve physical/emotional health) room. I was sitting next to a woman on the phone trying to get an early morning appointment. It felt like we were in Canada, but I am not sure. She finally found a place that would see several men at 7:30am. The men had an ailment covering the entire front of their chest (confidence, vitality). It was described as “raw and painful” like a sunburn  (urgent matter burning through and demanding immediate attention) with oozing spots that would not heal. I suggested it may be a yeast infection like my daughter would get on her butt when she was a baby. The woman said it was not that but I felt it must be.

A nurse (need to take time out to heal) came into the room asking about the appointment and thought I was a doctor (problem needing to be addressed). I said, “I’m not a doctor. I’m just wearing a lab coat (protection).” I looked down and I was indeed wearing one.

The men came in for their appointment and I recognized them as various men from the shop at work. They sat down with a doctor who was questioning why they came to see him. He turned to me and said, “I am a cardiologist (matters of the heart).” I said, “The issue is with their chests” and encouraged him to see them. Each of the men revealed their red, raw chests to the doctor. The doctor prescribed them with a white ointment (healing) they were to spread all over the raw areas.

I turned to the lady I was with and said, “See, they do have yeast infections. See the cream he prescribed?” She said it was not, that it was some other issue that began with a “D”. She advised I be careful because it was very infectious and told me to check my toothbrush (feeling defensive) in case one of the men had used it.

Then we went to a large swimming pool (cleanse away the past). The men waded in, relishing the cool water as it soothed their wounds. The nurse who I was with opted to get into the pool with them. She was wearing a flowered swimsuit and revealed to me that she was pregnant (aspect of self growing and maturing), though she was not showing yet. I recall she looked Indian (as in from India).

Then I was attending class in the hospital. I was sitting at a student desk next to several other students. A teacher was addressing the class, explaining the recent assignment and what he had expected of our answers. He was about to pass out our graded papers. I recall him as being familiar to me, older with dark hair and a nice smile.

The question had been simple: Why had we opted to take his class? In the dream, “class” felt like an experience that was much longer than a typical class would be – like “Life”. He said, “Many of you answered with, ‘To know how to have a successful relationship’, or ‘To know how to make the right choices’.” I remember thinking they were all good reasons.

He then passed out the graded papers. When he handed me mine I looked immediately at my answer. There, written in very clear print that was not familiar to me as my own, was:

To know how to give a good hug.

I thought to myself, “It’s very simple.”

The teacher said to me, “Very good answer. 95%.”

The other two students sitting next to me were told they both received a 65% for their answers.

With my graded test was my lunch (preparation for important event). I opened the plastic box the sandwich (a lot of pressure and stress is being put on me, need to do mutliple things at once) was in and took it out. I thought to myself, “I don’t want this.” lol

As I woke I repeated to myself, “To know how to give a good hug.” It was very simple.  Not the grade but the simplicity of it. A memory of my youngest wrapping his tiny arms around me came to mind and I smiled. I heard again, “It’s a good answer” from my guidance.

It is.

Note: Symbolically, to dream of giving a hug means a need to show one’s true feelings or a need to heal emotionally.

hugRealizations

This dream had me thinking of hugs. The types of hugs. The reasons we hug. All of it. There are the warm hugs, those we give in appreciation, support and love. There are the hugs we resist, the hugs we don’t reciprocate, and the hugs we give only because they are expected. Then there are the hugs we give when we see someone again who we have missed. There are the hugs we give in sorrow….and joy. There are the hugs we give when we need acceptance, or when we want to let someone know we want to share with them how we feel ……. or to show them we feel what they do.

All hugs are an attempt to shorten the distance between us, to lessen the separation we feel in these bodies and in this physical experience. They are attempts to bring into this reality/experience a piece of Home. They are us trying to Remember Home, to Remember the love and connection we have to everyone and everything.

I realized that I need to give more hugs. I realized I need to stop resisting hugs when they are given. I do this more than I should. I realized that how one hugs and how often is a direct representation of how vulnerable they allow themselves to be around others.

So my answer was a really good answer, perhaps one of the best answers one could give.

It reminds me of the movie, City of Angels, the scene where the angel (Nicolas Cage) is helping a little girl who has just crossed over. He asks her what her favorite part of life was. She says, “Pajamas.” Simple, but a perfect answer. I always think when I see that part of the movie that my answer would be, “Pillows.” Why? hehe Because I like to hug them close when I sleep. 🙂

I had been asking questions before bed that I feel this dream answers. I was reminded that we come into life on Earth to experience separation and all that it entails. We purposefully Forget in order to re-Remember. We are challenging ourselves by Forgetting ourselves. Can we feel through the illusions of this reality to our Truth? Can we love despite the illusion of separation? Those connections we have where we feel the least Divine Love are there to challenge us to be our best selves. So perhaps my answer is that I need to feel through circumstance (all the noise of life) to find the Truth in it, that Truth being I love the people in my life, even though it may not be as obvious as I would like.

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Exploration of Self

The full moon energy is here and right after the Equinox energy. This can pack a powerful punch. For me it has been subtle, mostly manifesting in continued tiredness coupled with difficulty falling asleep and sporadic dream recall.

The following is a dream I had a couple of nights ago that focused on my sense of self-worth and identity.

Dream: Boob Job

In this dream I was at a hospital (heal/improve mental or physical state) undergoing out-patient surgery to get a boob job (desire to be more sensual). I got one put in, my left one, and then after a short time got the other put in. The surgery (rebuilding self) was very fast but I don’t recall it, only that I was sedated but not put under anesthesia.

I remember waiting in the waiting room after my surgery was complete with a dark haired, young woman. Her hair was medium brown and straight, cascading past her shoulders. She was small chested and was getting a boob job to go from a 33 to a 35. I remember saying, “Up two sizes then?” I told her I wanted to stay the same size but wanted them to be youthful so the implants I got were for that. I remember choosing the implant with the young woman beside me. They came in all kinds of colors. I said, “I don’t see why color would matter. No one is going to see that.”

The waiting was to make sure I didn’t have a reaction to the procedure. I recall there being no pain. I looked in a mirror often, proud of my new “perky” boobs. They were much fuller and rounder. There were at least three instances where I stopped and looked at myself.

The young dark haired woman came out of her surgery and I could see an immediate difference. Her small frame emphasized her new breasts. I remember being a tad jealous.

At one point I needed to use the bathroom. I walked around feeling this cramping sensation in my bladder area. I asked for directions and was sent down the hall but the women’s restroom was closed. Actually, the door was sealed off and the sign removed (holding back my true emotion about something). The men’s restroom on the left was open and I thought of going in but opted to look for another restroom.

There was a sign indicating a restroom back near the lobby so I followed it to the restroom. There was a caution sign (feeling cautious) and a mop and bucket (work needing to be done) outside. I maneuvered around it and went inside. The stalls had doors that were sealed off. The whole room was bright white. I tried to squeeze through one of the doors but didn’t fit. Somehow I managed to get into the handicapped (humility) stall and sat on the toilet. When I pulled down my pants my underwear was soaked with blood (feeling emotionally drained). I knew the pain I had been feeling must have been my period but it was way early, at least five days too soon. When I tried to pee it was difficult but I finally did (cleansing, release of emotion). There was worry about the boob job being a bad idea, that it might be something I regretted causing infection or discomfort (regret of some decision).

Back in the lobby (trying to make something known) I spoke to the doctor (need for emotional/spiritual healing) and the young lady a while about what to expect after surgery. He asked me questions about how my boobs felt. I touched them and said I had a sensitivity under my armpit. He said it was normal. I was told not to sleep on my stomach but on my back and to avoid strenuous exercise. I recall really liking the doctor and reminding myself to write his name down so that I could go back to him if I ever needed a revision.

Exploration of Self

Lately, I have been feeling much more social than is my norm. I tend toward extroversion, which I have been told by countless astrologers is unusual because my chart indicates I should be extroverted. At times I can be very extroverted and when in my element. My guess is that my psychic sensitivity has led me to withhold my true self.

Anyway, last night, on a whim, I opted to go on a group social run in a nearby town. I have been a part of their online community for some time and always found an excuse not to attend their gatherings. Yet yesterday it just popped into my head and ultimately I could not talk myself out of it. I ended up having a good time and meeting lots of good people. I talked too much, though (ha!) while running and had to stop and walk for a time on an uphill portion of the route. When I looked back at my heart rate it had gotten to 190bpm! This is WAY too high for me and I am lucky I didn’t experience dizziness or pass out (how embarrassing would that have been?).

Ultimately, the experience was a good one and I plan on attending more runs and getting to know the group better.

I do find it interesting, though, that I had this urge to go on the social run. This is so unlike me. I was reminded of the message “Run!” that I got not long ago. My guess is that on a subconscious level this message is continuing to come through and “push” me towards a path. Maybe the path will help me open up and connect with more people?

Interestingly, the mother of my son’s friend asked me outright a couple of weekend ago if she could join me on a run sometime. Prior to going on this social run I thought of inviting her and even had a text written out to invite her but then deleted it. I decided it best that I go first on my own and invite her to the next one and give her more notice. I will likely text her this week sometime. The thing is, even thinking of inviting her and reaching out in such a way is NOT my style. LOL Yet the urge was to do just that and I felt good about it.

My best guess about this change in behavior is that I am moving toward development of my individuality – my separate self – that has been lacking in my life for over a decade. I have mentioned in past posts how I tend to exchange my individual wants/needs/preferences for that of my partner’s. As such, I lose my-self in the partnership in an attempt to mitigate any conflicts that might result. I’ve realized that this tendency comes from undervaluing myself and from a belief (conditioning) that the partnership (marriage) and my partner is more important than me. I recognized that rather than flourish and prosper, my marriages and relationships tend to fail because of this pattern of behavior. I become resentful of my partner and eventually rebel against them and my self-created situation.

What I am describing, of course, is co-dependency to a T, and is a situation that needs resolution. Ultimately, the best solution is for me to regain my individuality but this does not necessarily mean dissolving the partnership. A healthy relationship allows both individuals to be true to themselves without sacrificing for the other. The question is, can my husband accept the changes which will result? Even more importantly, can I?

I am reminded of the dead octopus I saw in a vision not long ago. It symbolizes the end of a codependent situation. 🙂

Similarly, I am reminded of the events of yesterday prior to the social run. My husband left for the airport and I kept having this feeling of finality come over me as we said our goodbyes. A verse from the Doors came to mind, “This is the end, beautiful friend, the end.” As you can guess this was a bit unsettling in the moment but I shrugged it off. Very seldom are these messages literal……

I will be attending another social gathering this Thursday. A “Diva” night for just the women of the running group. Two of the ladies I met on the social run kept encouraging me to attend it and I feel that it would be good for me. They also want me to come to some of the other gatherings that include “beer runs” and “coffee runs”. Not sure I will take part in the drinking of the beer (I was asked, “Do you like beer?”) but it could be a fun experience nonetheless.