Tag Archives: Messages

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Exploration of Self

The full moon energy is here and right after the Equinox energy. This can pack a powerful punch. For me it has been subtle, mostly manifesting in continued tiredness coupled with difficulty falling asleep and sporadic dream recall.

The following is a dream I had a couple of nights ago that focused on my sense of self-worth and identity.

Dream: Boob Job

In this dream I was at a hospital (heal/improve mental or physical state) undergoing out-patient surgery to get a boob job (desire to be more sensual). I got one put in, my left one, and then after a short time got the other put in. The surgery (rebuilding self) was very fast but I don’t recall it, only that I was sedated but not put under anesthesia.

I remember waiting in the waiting room after my surgery was complete with a dark haired, young woman. Her hair was medium brown and straight, cascading past her shoulders. She was small chested and was getting a boob job to go from a 33 to a 35. I remember saying, “Up two sizes then?” I told her I wanted to stay the same size but wanted them to be youthful so the implants I got were for that. I remember choosing the implant with the young woman beside me. They came in all kinds of colors. I said, “I don’t see why color would matter. No one is going to see that.”

The waiting was to make sure I didn’t have a reaction to the procedure. I recall there being no pain. I looked in a mirror often, proud of my new “perky” boobs. They were much fuller and rounder. There were at least three instances where I stopped and looked at myself.

The young dark haired woman came out of her surgery and I could see an immediate difference. Her small frame emphasized her new breasts. I remember being a tad jealous.

At one point I needed to use the bathroom. I walked around feeling this cramping sensation in my bladder area. I asked for directions and was sent down the hall but the women’s restroom was closed. Actually, the door was sealed off and the sign removed (holding back my true emotion about something). The men’s restroom on the left was open and I thought of going in but opted to look for another restroom.

There was a sign indicating a restroom back near the lobby so I followed it to the restroom. There was a caution sign (feeling cautious) and a mop and bucket (work needing to be done) outside. I maneuvered around it and went inside. The stalls had doors that were sealed off. The whole room was bright white. I tried to squeeze through one of the doors but didn’t fit. Somehow I managed to get into the handicapped (humility) stall and sat on the toilet. When I pulled down my pants my underwear was soaked with blood (feeling emotionally drained). I knew the pain I had been feeling must have been my period but it was way early, at least five days too soon. When I tried to pee it was difficult but I finally did (cleansing, release of emotion). There was worry about the boob job being a bad idea, that it might be something I regretted causing infection or discomfort (regret of some decision).

Back in the lobby (trying to make something known) I spoke to the doctor (need for emotional/spiritual healing) and the young lady a while about what to expect after surgery. He asked me questions about how my boobs felt. I touched them and said I had a sensitivity under my armpit. He said it was normal. I was told not to sleep on my stomach but on my back and to avoid strenuous exercise. I recall really liking the doctor and reminding myself to write his name down so that I could go back to him if I ever needed a revision.

Exploration of Self

Lately, I have been feeling much more social than is my norm. I tend toward extroversion, which I have been told by countless astrologers is unusual because my chart indicates I should be extroverted. At times I can be very extroverted and when in my element. My guess is that my psychic sensitivity has led me to withhold my true self.

Anyway, last night, on a whim, I opted to go on a group social run in a nearby town. I have been a part of their online community for some time and always found an excuse not to attend their gatherings. Yet yesterday it just popped into my head and ultimately I could not talk myself out of it. I ended up having a good time and meeting lots of good people. I talked too much, though (ha!) while running and had to stop and walk for a time on an uphill portion of the route. When I looked back at my heart rate it had gotten to 190bpm! This is WAY too high for me and I am lucky I didn’t experience dizziness or pass out (how embarrassing would that have been?).

Ultimately, the experience was a good one and I plan on attending more runs and getting to know the group better.

I do find it interesting, though, that I had this urge to go on the social run. This is so unlike me. I was reminded of the message “Run!” that I got not long ago. My guess is that on a subconscious level this message is continuing to come through and “push” me towards a path. Maybe the path will help me open up and connect with more people?

Interestingly, the mother of my son’s friend asked me outright a couple of weekend ago if she could join me on a run sometime. Prior to going on this social run I thought of inviting her and even had a text written out to invite her but then deleted it. I decided it best that I go first on my own and invite her to the next one and give her more notice. I will likely text her this week sometime. The thing is, even thinking of inviting her and reaching out in such a way is NOT my style. LOL Yet the urge was to do just that and I felt good about it.

My best guess about this change in behavior is that I am moving toward development of my individuality – my separate self – that has been lacking in my life for over a decade. I have mentioned in past posts how I tend to exchange my individual wants/needs/preferences for that of my partner’s. As such, I lose my-self in the partnership in an attempt to mitigate any conflicts that might result. I’ve realized that this tendency comes from undervaluing myself and from a belief (conditioning) that the partnership (marriage) and my partner is more important than me. I recognized that rather than flourish and prosper, my marriages and relationships tend to fail because of this pattern of behavior. I become resentful of my partner and eventually rebel against them and my self-created situation.

What I am describing, of course, is co-dependency to a T, and is a situation that needs resolution. Ultimately, the best solution is for me to regain my individuality but this does not necessarily mean dissolving the partnership. A healthy relationship allows both individuals to be true to themselves without sacrificing for the other. The question is, can my husband accept the changes which will result? Even more importantly, can I?

I am reminded of the dead octopus I saw in a vision not long ago. It symbolizes the end of a codependent situation. 🙂

Similarly, I am reminded of the events of yesterday prior to the social run. My husband left for the airport and I kept having this feeling of finality come over me as we said our goodbyes. A verse from the Doors came to mind, “This is the end, beautiful friend, the end.” As you can guess this was a bit unsettling in the moment but I shrugged it off. Very seldom are these messages literal……

I will be attending another social gathering this Thursday. A “Diva” night for just the women of the running group. Two of the ladies I met on the social run kept encouraging me to attend it and I feel that it would be good for me. They also want me to come to some of the other gatherings that include “beer runs” and “coffee runs”. Not sure I will take part in the drinking of the beer (I was asked, “Do you like beer?”) but it could be a fun experience nonetheless.

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More Messages – B+, Be Patient, Be Ready

I continue to be more tired than usual, though nothing significant as to slow me down during my waking hours. Messages continue to come through and last night I did not get to sleep until midnight. I stayed just on the edge of sleep, in that in-between space, for three hours.

My dreams have been really weird lately as well. Here are just a couple from the last few days.

Dream: B+

I was on a bus with a group of others. The bus was one of those for traveling long distances and was quite grand. We were at the back all settled in. We had blankets (protection) and could lay down when we wanted. There was two men, one I was especially close to. I was being asked questions about this man. Later, me and the man sat and spoke for a while with a nurse (need to take time out to heal) about our blood (life, love, passion, disappointments) type. I remember her asking the man if he was AB+ and he told her he was B+. I interrupted and said, “I am B+, too.” There were other things discussed, personality traits, habits, tendencies, etc. I said, “It sounds like we are a good match.” The nurse handed me a paper with the results. I looked down and saw, “B+” and heard it echo in my head.

Afterward the man was tired and intent on laying down to sleep. I remember seeing him under a pile of blankets (protection, trying to cover up or hide), only the front part of his face showing, eyes closed and sleeping peacefully. I lay down beside him wide awake thinking about him sleeping and the time it would take for him to wake up. I could not sleep and after a few moments, I got up, threw off all my blankets (not willing to hide) and began to talk to the driver (collective situation) about how long it would take for us to get to our destination.

The driver suddenly got out of the driver’s seat and exited the bus while it was still moving to use to bathroom (cleansing). I could see him head out (flying) over the hills and disappear. Worried, I wondered who would drive and my husband took the wheel. I became instantly concerned about his driving erratically and started to warn him about things on the road (back seat driving). He ignored me, driving even more recklessly toward the side of the road. He almost ran over a person sitting in a lawn chair but managed to maneuver around them. We stopped and some of us exited the bus to go to get some food (physical/emotional energy).

I went to the middle of the line to place my order. I could see the illuminated menu overhead. I spoke to a lady and ordered the vegetarian burger (feeling dissatisfied within a relationship), it was like the Big Mac with three layers only vegetarian(lacking substance in some area of life). She asked me if I wanted “everything on it” and I said, “yes”. She said that sometimes certain ingredients could cause the burger to become soggy. I recall thinking it odd that McDonald’s (fast food = impatience) would have a veggie burger anyway. I ordered the entire meal deal, got my sandwich and left the line. One of the other passengers (my husband I think) tried to enter the line toward the end and was told to go back to the beginning of the line.

When I woke the “B+” was the strongest memory from the dream.

Dream: Back to Montana

In this dream I recall talking to my ex-husband about his life and second wife. We discussed him being on a “diet”. This could be literal or figurative or both because he has always struggled with his weight and the last time we met he had gained quite a bit of weight and was upset about it. I remember discussing his ex and how they met. He said she was 24 years old and had just had a baby. I believe this could have been when they actually met while he and I were married because it felt to be the case and I recall she was young (I know I was). I remember seeing her in the dream for a bit as we traveled in a flatbed trailer together, legs dangling off the edge as we arrived at a grocery store.

Then we were inside a grocery store (seeking fulfillment) and at a self-check-out. My ex was attempting to purchase something but his card wouldn’t work. I helped but recall needing to urinate (release of emotion or establishing boundaries) so relieved myself right there by the register (lol).

I recall there being a lecture going on nearby but I don’t remember about what. There was focus on me for a bit. The speaker asked me to join in on a game and I refused saying, “I always win”. lol I walked through the crowd and said this very loudly and proudly while everyone looked at me. In the dream I felt accomplished with a bit of an attitude of superiority.

Then I remember driving through Montana and noticing the roads were multiple colors, like they had been patched with different materials. One section was a fresh black asphalt and another was orange and rough with gravel. I commented on it and stated that Montana needed to work on their roads. However, I knew it was pointless because of the amount of ice and snow in the area. It tends to crack the roads and cause them to go into disrepair.

As we drove (my ex and I) he stopped by a house and got out of the car. He went to the house of a friend. Then he took a dog into a place that transformed the dog into stone. It was the oddest thing and when the dog (relationship or friendship) was transformed it still could move and acted real but it was gray and made of solid rock (unchanging, solid). He did this to two dogs total and when I saw the dog being transformed it was awake and seemed to react with pain. It bothered me but when the dog was unharmed I relaxed.

When I woke from this dream it felt like I had actually been talking to my ex-husband. We have a bond that will always be there. I would not be surprised if I heard from him again after all these years. He does like to “check-in” every now and again. 🙂

Insect Visitor

On September 16th I had an insect visitor in my house. I noticed him when I was doing my workout. I could see his eyes on me and feel him looking at me the whole time. I knew it was a preying mantis despite him being so high up on the ceiling. It was odd how noticeable his energy was!

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Here he is on the ceiling watching me.

After I finished my workout I got a closer look, said “hi” and then forgot about him for a bit. When I went back he had moved close enough for me to get to him. I put a paintbrush up to him and he crawled on. I took him outside and set him free. The whole time he had his alien eyes on me and was waving his hands like he was casting a spell.

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After I set him free.

I watched him for a while. He let me get really, really close. He bounced up and down as he walked, almost like he was dancing. I joked to my daughter about it calling it his “freedom dance”. I did some research and found out preying mantis’ “bounce” in order to look more like a leaf. Pretty cool!

The preying mantis’ message is simple: Be patient. Slow down. Wait for the right moment before taking any action. Be ready. They remind us to have patience in acquiring the things we want and to remain balanced throughout the duration of the wait. The praying mantis always comes to us when we are internally craving peace, quiet, and calm in our lives. Through stillness, awareness, and balance, we can hear and recognize the perfect moment. We must listen to the voice that speaks to us with openness, not fear. If we have patience and wait before striking, the right moment will come, and we will succeed.[Source] 

I wasn’t going to write about the praying mantis but just now I remembered part of the conversation I was having in the in-between last night. I was reminded that I Knew what was coming, to reign in that part of me that wanted everything NOW and instead be patient and wait for the right time to present itself. Of course it was more than a message, it was also a memory, which always makes the message hit home.

Other Messages

I am noticing that every thought I have, every consideration, typically comes back to me in some way not long after. The syncs are just blowing my mind lately and they are continuous. I have multiple incidents every day. And these are not from me seeking them out. They just happen, my memory is sparked and I know at my core that a message has just been delivered. It is actually very beautiful and reminds me that I am creating every moment with my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

This morning, for example, I was thinking about my recent heart connection. I am still blown away and not by the connection itself. No. By the realization of what I am capable of – what we are capable of. Usually I can conceive of all sorts of possibilities. I have a great imagination. But not even I could have imagined this because it is so outside my physical reality experience and conditioning.

Anyway, I was thinking of the differences in the connections we have. They have personalities, no one is like the other. Some are more intense, far deeper than I can even express in words. And honestly I am not sure I can handle a connection like that and so I doubt my own ability to cope with the extremes knowing that something so wondrous has risks of which I am all too familiar. Yet I know that despite the obvious risks I would jump in head first over and over to experience such a connection like that again.

So in my uncertainty a video was posted on FB that spoke to me about what I was thinking, as if the video were meant for just me. And the solution was so simple: If you love someone, send your love to them and come up against a wall, offer that love to God, don’t try to squash it.

And then, not long after, I saw this posted by a friend. Again, it spoke to a thought I had been having as if to say, “You are not wrong”:

confront

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Message Overload

It’s been a full and busy week but I’ll skip the mundane stuff for now as it all goes along with being a working mom/wife/do-it-all superwoman. 🙂

Spiritually I have been receiving messages both in dreams and in signs and messages from the environment.

This week’s messages:

A double rainbow 🙂

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A quote from Into the Wild –

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

Some kind of dead baby animal on the sidewalk which came after seeing two baby doves, one dead and the other waiting to die.

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Fantastic sunsets every day this week

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And then there are the following dreams and messages which include:

Orangutans
Message to “Run!”
Goddess Kali
The Madonna

Dream: Finding Balance

In this dream I was a student attending school. I was male and much older than the other kids (like 18 while they were all early teens). There was a discussion about me that I heard as if part of it. The teachers were saying that I was not living up to my potential. There are flashes of memory of me working on my assignments and getting them back with red marks on them and deductions in points for grammatical (communication) errors. It was so common that I had gone into apathy over it for the most part. Eventually, I got a paper back, saw points deducted and got angry about it because the error was due to the teacher’s poor handwriting. I showed it to the teachers, exasperated, saying, “You can’t even tell what that word is!” I ended up crying and feeling like a failure.

Then the dream ended up with me being given a pair of inline skates (balance). All the other students were skating perfectly and I could barely stay standing (feeling uncertain). I recall that skating was a school subject and like the other subjects I was doing very poorly. Eventually, I decided I would not fail so I just kept trying, intent on being able to succeed at skating. My main issue was staying balanced on the skates. I kept falling over. With practice I realized that it was all in the way I was positioning my feet. I shifted position and it allowed me to stay up on my feet. I learned from there to skate really well (progressing towards goals). Everyone noticed and there was acknowledgement by them that I could succeed. I was proud of myself, too. It was a relief.

Message: Run!

As I woke from this dream I was still emotional but not crying. I lingered in the in-between where I spoke to my guidance a while. The main feeling I had was of hopelessness. There was a feeling of not knowing how to proceed, like a question to my guidance. A flash of a computer screen appeared and it was an email inbox. I could read the message subject heading. It was from a female guide and said, “Subject: Run!” I also remember seeing the word, “Texas”. This woke me and I thought the message was literal but now I am not so sure.

As I woke a song came to mind, one I have heard for a few days now – Faith Hill’s Breathe.

Other Dreams/Messages

I dreamed I was in the middle of a busy highway. There was high traffic (daily life, routine) and the cars were backed up and moving at a snail’s pace. I, however, was on board a train (life’s journey, on the right track) that was on the highway. This train held passengers and was sleek like a bullet and blue in color (monorail train). I sat in a seat looking out the window as the train took me over and past all the slow traffic. I was saving a seat to my left. I remember putting my hand on the seat which was close to the window and then leaning over to look out the window. The seat was tan in color and soft. Out the window I saw a young girl (aspect of me perhaps?) chasing after the train. It felt like she was going to jump on. I was hopeful for her.

In another dream I was being encouraged to put my hair in a braid (needing courage). I spent a while doing just that. I could feel my hair very real in my hands. The feeling I had while braiding my hair was apprehension. I knew it meant I needed to have courage.

Dream:  Orangutans

The dream began with me going to a school (life lessons). They had rearranged all the classrooms and my old principal was there. I was suppose to have put in my resignation but forgot. Turns out he did not hire someone to replace me but put me in another position where I was working with kids who were “special needs”. I agreed to work since the job was still available.

When I went to find my room I wandered through the 3rd grade hallway and eventually made it to the first floor (failure, lack of understanding) where my office was suppose to be but it turned out I was put in with many other teachers in the nursing clinic (healing). I had a section set apart where my students sat but I had no lesson plans (feeling unprepared) or anything for class. Another teacher helped. I noticed I had a student with tourettes syndrome. I recall liking that I had only a handful of students because it meant I could get more involved with them. I hugged one even. It seemed like in this dream I was a nurse and teacher, but it is hard to say. I felt confused as to whether I wanted the job.

Then I was on a trip with the kids. We passed by a section of housing that had been demolished (final end to something) and then by another that was being renovated (new perspective). We drove up into the hills and parked. A man was with me who had been driving. He got out of the car and left it for me to drive, handing me the keys (control). I remember knowing the neighborhood use to be lived in by my ex-BIL and he had said it was haunted (lack of awareness, fear).

The man walked away and soon I saw that he was in the tree with several large orangutans (inner wild side or sexual desires). They took him away, swinging across the treetops. I turned back to the car and saw a pig-animal (stubbornness, greed) in the road, like a half-pig, half-dog or something. It was really weird so I decided to get out of there.

I drove off and headed into a house that was both mine and this man’s. I saw he had cleaned it thoroughly and packed up his things into some bags. Everything was neat and tidy. It felt like he was leaving for good.

I remember standing in front of a mirror. The man was to my left standing in front of the mirror, too. Both of us were looking at our reflection. I remember looking over at him and then back at myself. I saw my complexion was clear but thought there was a stressful situation coming up that would surely mean my face would break out again. I remember accepting it if it did but the feeling of the stressful situation was very memorable.

Dream: Juniper Berry Honey

This dream was odd. I recall that my friend’s brother was there and coming onto me like he use to in high school. I responded in much the same way – curious and liking the attention but not really interested in him. My MIL was there as well but I only remember showing her the Juniper (learn to take the negative with the positive) berries (fulfilling relationship or experience) and the honey that could be extracted from them. The taste of the Juniper honey (compassion, wisdom, peace, longevity, joy) was super sweet and musky. It was good but too much of it would give a person a headache or tummy ache.

I remember seeing the tiny, blue (heaven, wisdom, truth) berries and being told taking them like pills was helpful for the immune system, like to act as a way to get the body use to the high pollen for allergy season. I always thought they were poison so I was fascinated that they could be eaten. I saw someone toss a handful into their mouth and swallow them with water. When I was shown the honey that some had inside I had to taste some.

At one point I was sitting on a sofa with my friend’s brother and he was really sending me messages that he wanted to kiss me. It was a creepy feeling because I was not interested in him yet he was coming on really strong. At one point he leaned in and kissed me and it was slobbery.

When I got up to go I noticed that there were two large urine (rejection of feelings) spots on the carpet. My MIL asked about them and I said the dog must have done it but there was no dog around.

There is a scene that took place in a hotel (shift in identity) room and I remember waking up in a bed in the the hotel and the color blue being everywhere. It felt like I needed to get ready to go somewhere. I was with a group that felt like family but I did not recognize any of them. . All of the people had bright blue skin like the Hindu Goddess Kali. Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven or can also mean a desire to get away. The Goddess represents death and rebirth.

In-Between (this morning)

When I woke I lingered in the in-between a while. I was discussing what I wanted with my guidance.

In the midst of this conversation I had an immediate memory. My son Elek just got a new toy boat. He played with it continuously for a week. Then he demanded another toy. He got a red firetruck. Not two days later he wants another. I told him no. He continues to throw a fit, wanting another NOW. My guidance showed me this in regards to my experiences indicating that I was like Elek. I got my toys and am still not satisfied. I was asked to consider returning to the “toys” I have been given rather than asking for more. Something they said (can’t recall exact wording) suggested that I was looking for problems/trouble.

There was a moment in the discussion when my mind wandered to my current debt issues. I thought I was saying, “I need to charge the credit card” but what I heard my mind say was, “I need to charge the Madonna” and every time I would say “card” the word “Madonna” was what my mind said. I believe Madonna is symbolic for the Divine Feminine. Perhaps I was saying to myself that I need to recharge or rest?

I continue to feel that I need to be very careful about what I think when it comes to what I want. I need to be very sure of what it is I want because it will come to pass.

This song is also coming up a lot. Specifically the part, “Marry that girl. Marry her anyway.”

I can’t help but think that events are setting the scene for something to happen. Specifically, it feels like next month will be a big month, like I am being prepared for something. There are other things going on as well, all pointing to a shift of some sort. At times it has gotten so intense that it puts me a bit on edge.

 

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Eat Your Carrot Already!

This will be a quick post. Not even sure why I’m writing it except that I feel I should. This should be interesting….

Eat Your Carrot Already!

Many of us (me included) may have felt at one time or the other as if we were being led along on a wild goose chase, lured by that unattainable carrot held out in front of us at the end of a stick. You know that carrot, right? That one, yeah – the one you were holding out in front of yourself. 😉

Hare Krishna: Performance Review - Carrot tied to Donkey

Don’t you just feel like an ass now? 

Well guess what? We’ve gotten that carrot. Finally. Yep. Now what? It’s time to eat it, of course! And what is in that carrot? Vitamin A? lol Think symbolically. A carrot is symbolic of clarity, specifically eating a carrot indicates clarity has been attained. So you actually have to take a bite to get that clarity. If you stand there looking at it you won’t get clarity. If you touch it, smell it, put it in your pocket for later – no clarity.

Some of us aren’t eating our carrots. Why would we do that? Why would we spend so much time chasing that carrot, figuring out that we held it/had it all along, grab it and then do nothing with it?

So eat your carrot already! If you don’t, it will do what carrots left out for long periods of time do. It will rot and become useless. We don’t want that now, do we? We don’t want all are hard work to rot away into nothing.

Why am I writing about carrots anyway? Well I dreamed I was eating one and it was so very sweet. In fact, all I recall of the dream is holding this perfect, orange carrot in my hand, taking bite after bite and relishing the taste. I think it was the best carrot I’ve ever eaten. Really.

The message, of course, was that I had received clarity. The type of clarity came later.

Relationships

I sorta knew that the clarity was related to relationships. I’ve had some major “ah-ha” moments regarding relationships lately. Specifically, I have recognized that I do not belong in a traditional, human, monogamous relationship. This realization hit me after experiencing a new type of relationship, one that even now I am sorting through because it is so outside of what I am use to. I would love to describe it in detail, but I know that many are still not ready to hear what I have to say. There is still too much debris hanging around the human energy field in regards to relationships. I mean a TON of it, not all of it related to sex either.

So I will give you the short, manageable description. This new relationship is not limited to loving just one (put sex out of your mind – this isn’t physical). The whole idea of loving just one person at a time is ludicrous. I mean, you love your mom and dad, your siblings, your children, etc, right? Insert sexual relations and the idea of loving everyone gets really distorted. The thing is, sex isn’t love, so we get all confused because we think that one equates to the other. We are so confused that we actually shut down those feelings we feel when we love someone because they are too similar to feelings we have when we feel sexually attracted to another.

For example, I recall having feelings early on when I was a child about my grandmother. She would often take her fingernails and lightly scratch my back. It felt so good and I wanted her to keep doing it but a part of me felt “bad” because it made me feel so good (again not sexual). I had already, at a very young age, attributed “feeling good physically” to sexual arousal which equated to feeling I was “bad” because I felt it for another woman, and a family member at that. So the solution, inevitably was to stop any feeling that came close to what might be arousal, thus keep a distance from my grandmother and anyone in my family (or otherwise) who might make me feel that way. The only person who I believed I was allowed to let me feel good was my husband, and I had no husband.

I’m not saying you all did that, but there is a good chance you experienced something similar.

So this new type of relationship allows you to feel again, with anyone. It is purely energetic but to get to that energy you have to let go of the beliefs that restrict feeling, physical or otherwise. You have to get past your physical self and all that conditioning. Which is why I have to stop the explanation at this point because my guidance is warning me that many, many are just not there yet.

It reminds me of a conversation I once had with my guide about “sex” on the other side. At the time I had no idea what my guide meant but I remember commenting that it seemed to me like he was saying everyone in Spirit was having spiritual orgies with one another. Openly and freely. I laughed so hard I almost cried. But I didn’t understand. I do now. It isn’t sex of course. Not even close. It is Divine Love. It is the merging of one soul with another. And yeah, we do it all the time in Spirit. It is our natural state.

This new type of relationship involves merging our natural spiritual state with our physical human one.

So traditional human relationships go right out the door.

So what to do about this “ah-ha” moment now that I know what relationships I am looking for? I’m not quite sure. I mean I am married and technically IN a traditional, human relationship. Ha! Jokes on me, I guess.

In considering all this and trying to push it all out of my mind – I’ll just be normal. This is all just crazy. What am I thinking? – I stumbled upon this blog post by Lisa Transcendence Brown. She says this month is all about evolving relationships.

These parts stood out to me the most:

Our NEW EARTH RELATIONSHIPS are built, they are constructed and formed over “time”. There’s not one ounce of lack, need or compromise involved. There’s zero dependency and because all agendas are visible, there’s no hidden anything anymore… Our NEW Earth Relationships go through a lot for years, as we come in and out of each other’s lives for awhile, clearing karmic residue, until we’ve cleared the entire timeline and all of the energy we held within. Then we move to “short exchanges”, where there’s a vibrational purpose, yet the relationship can’t fully form, because everyone is in different places, vibrationally…. The only “long term” exchanges we have are with others who are fully aligned within themselves and fully invested in creating and together…. and living by Our NEW Earth Value System… which is nothing like Old Earth’s was.

And then:

Get ready. For our highest Star Families to Unite, our Highest Soul Families to Unite… all as Light BEings here… all those egoic, lack based realities must dissolve or be re-aligned if they are to continue into the next timelines….. otherwise the entire timeline will go. As higher selves, we close those old timelines out ourselves, mark those Soul Agreements paid in full and write all new realities, activate all new realities and call forth our own highest aligned realities to experience here. September is a massive Passageway… to bring more together who are truly ready and stepping up…. who are truly ready to invest in creating new together and share together as love too. This can’t occur as long as everyone’s still holding onto the old…. observe your own relationships/yourself…. this will show you everything you need to know here.

The word “ready” in in bold because as I was copying and pasting it I remembered saying to myself and my guidance on more than one occasion, “I am ready.” Though I was not sure what I meant at the time, I still feel it to be true, and there is more of an understanding of just what it means.

Are you ready?

And OMG, that carrot really tasted good.

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Seeing My Truth

Well, well, well. I finally fell asleep at a decent hour and got caught up on sleep! Hooray! Turns out my daughter was at a sleepover last night. So I’m thinking it has been her that has been making it hard for me to sleep. We’ll see how tonight goes.

Twin Springs Preserve

Yesterday was a fun day. My husband and I were suppose to go together to explore a trail in preparation for a trail race we will be running in two weeks. He bailed on me at the last minute because he is working on a huge wood sculpture. I decided to go on my own intending only to walk the trail for a few hours. However, when I arrived near the location I saw an entrance to another trailhead, the Twin Springs Nature Preserve, so I opted to explore it instead.

I spent about an hour exploring the trail, sometimes running, sometimes walking. No one else was out there, which made it that much more fun. It reminded me of my younger years when I would explore my grandparent’s 52 acres, hiking and exploring the rugged hills for hours on end.

The trails were not easy to see, so I often went off the trail and had to backtrack which was fine with me. I ran into wildlife on the way – among them a herd of deer and a coral snake. By the end my shoes were completely soaked and my legs covered in mud. I felt much like I use to after a day of exploring my grandparent’s place. I think I was high on the experience for a good three hours after. I was going to head out again today but it is raining pretty hard. Rain is forecast all week.

Here are a few photos:

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I do not find it coincidental that I ran into a coral snake. He surprised the heck out of me, too. He was right in the middle of the trail and blended in so well that had he not moved I would have stepped right on him. I was in the midst of running and came to a dead stop from the shock he gave me. I have never seen a coral snake in the wild and was not expecting one in the hills of Central Texas. Rattlesnake, yes, coral snake, no. When I took the pictures my hands were shaking so much that it took several shots to get one that was in focus. lol

Coral snakes have the second strongest venom of any snake in the world, behind that of black mamba (source). Thankfully, coral snakes are fairly passive and unlikely to bite you. If they do bite you, they have to “chew” with their fangs to deliver their venom, meaning you would have to be an idiot to be bitten by one, playing with it and letting it chew on you. lol So, I was really in no danger from this snake unless I wanted to be. I watched him for a few minutes and went on my way but not without recognizing how significant and rare it was to have run into him.

Since the Kundalini has been so active in me this year I am betting this snake is a reminder to me to be on the lookout for more. Considering the coloration of this snake, there’s likely to be continued work in my lower three chakras. Additionally, based upon how this snake presented itself, hiding in plain sight, I will probably be caught off guard, shaken but otherwise unharmed, and in awe of the encounter. Sounds like fun to me! 🙂

Dream: Decision

I had several dreams, all indicating that some in-depth conversations were going on with my guidance. It amazes me how my memories of the dreams I have lately are often accompanied by flashes of memory of a guide and a summary of the conversation. This was one of those.

In this dream I was in a classroom with a few other students and a teacher. I knew I was in 5th grade preparing to attend an award ceremony. As the other students left the teacher kept me in the room with her. I asked why and another student told me I was to receive 5 books (knowledge) as my award. I remember the three of them were technical type books, like self-help, self-study books. I was not interested in them and asked if I could return them. I was encouraged to keep them and applauded for my achievements.

The thing about the dream that is odd is that I was a full grown woman, not the age of a normal 5th grader. The other students and I were being prepared as teachers and would soon select our first jobs. I recall knowing that I could go into 6th grade or I could opt out.

As I contemplated my decision I saw my potential future flash in front of my eyes. It was my current life with my husband and what would result if I continued on that path. The flashes I got were not of specific events but of lessons. They came all at once and what I remember the most is the feeling of them, like the impact they had on me. The feeling was so intense that I could taste it and it was distasteful to me, like eating a really sour gummy worm.

There is also memory of the way these lessons appeared visually, like something being twisted over and over again. You know how you can take a piece of licorice and twist it and bend it without it breaking? That is what it was like. The sense from this was that all I would get was the same lesson twisted this way and that so that it appeared different but in actuality it wasn’t. This was very unappealing to me and I recognized how trapped I have been by the illusion of progress it presents.

My decision was that I did not want to go into the 6th grade. It felt like a whole other “level” to go there, just like it feels when you graduate from one level of school to the other but more like the decision one makes when they graduate high school – college? no college? Trade school? What do I do with my life?

I remember the gist of the discussion around this decision. I was asked if I was certain. In my mind I saw ahead of me a vast void of nothingness – the unknown. It scared me and I hesitated but I confirmed my choice. The fear is what I recall the most.

Seeing My Truth

I woke up with a sense that I had just contracted my own death, but I know that is not what it was. An entire discussion commenced then about who I am. For the first time in a very long time I could see this other me, the real me, the one at a soul level who has been hidden by human experience, fear, and limitation for such a very long time. I felt both relief and anxiety upon seeing the Truth of myself. Relief that I had finally found her and could see/feel her/me. Anxiety at the many layers of “protection” I had placed over her to the point of hiding her and ultimately forgetting her.

What is curious about all this is that I recognized how I have chosen time and time again to live with forgetting myself. I think many of us walking in the Light this lifetime have done this. We were conditioned to do this to protect ourselves from the harsh reality of this physical world. We couldn’t cope without burying ourselves in protective layers of illusion.

I know that others in my soul family are being prepped to step out from under all those layers. We are already sensing it, that nudge and pressure to shift direction. Some of us may be feeling an urge to do some drastic things, but I don’t think that is necessary. It can be gradual. But that sense of urgency is there and it is purposeful. It says, “Listen. Pay attention. LOOK.” For me, I am being asked to remember myself, that Truth that has been hidden all this time by attempts to stay safe and hidden from others and this world because of how different I am.

We have been slowly meeting others like us so that we can see we are not alone, so we can be reminded of our Truth through these very special encounters. We still don’t see it, or better yet, we don’t want to see it because it is scary. But what I can say to those like me who are still avoiding seeing themselves – the Truth – is you won’t be able to hide much longer. We can do it alone, which is the scariest prospect, or we can do it together.

The thing is that we think in such drastic terms. Every possible scenario that comes to mind is of the worst case. But what of the best case scenarios? Or better yet, what if a beautiful surprise awaits? Sadly, it is human to think the worst will happen. So what ends up is that we have to get to a point that the worst case becomes acceptable because we are too tired, too fed up with the ways things are.

Question is: Are you there yet? 😉

 

 

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Despacito – Slow, Steady Progress

Another night of limited sleep courtesy of my daughter’s stuffy nose and congestion. Well, I say my lack of sleep is connected to her cold, but I can’t be 100% sure that is all it is.

Last night the energy sensations returned almost immediately upon laying down. My crown and third-eye were the most active. I sensed a male energy to my left, my guide, or “partner” as I tend to call him now – the part that says “I am YOU” and continues to facilitate the merging of the masculine and feminine within.

Whenever my partner draws close I am covered in energy that spreads all the way to my fingers and toes. This has always happened, for as long as I have been conscious of him. Recent events, however, have revealed that this energy can be magnified internally and externally. Internally by my own intent. Externally by a catalyst.

Up until this point I have only had two external catalysts for this energy. Most of my experiences have been internal. Both provide lessons unique to the experience. Those that are external tend to amplify the stagnant areas or blockages in ways that my own inner work cannot. If I am not moving forward/progressing on my own then these catalysts get me moving again, spurring me forward by exposing that which is holding me back. Often times I am aware of what is revealed but purposefully or habitually ignoring it. I have learned through this external catalytic experiences that ignoring something will not make it go away but will in fact make it larger until I am forced to confront it.

In both cases the masculine energy becomes personified. Internally this energy feels separate from myself, like a guide who is always there, nudging me along and providing support and unconditional love. I have called him many names – Steven, Companion Traveler, Spiritual Counterpart, and now partner. He changes as as I change; grows as I grow.

Externally the masculine energy comes with a body, a unique personality, a history, an Ego, hopes, dreams, fears, etc….and, of course, karma. Ultimately, the two – external and internal – are the same energy, one is just personified in human form for the purpose of teaching – no reflecting to me – that which I most need to know about myself. Thus, the external masculine has a “catalytic” effect the internal masculine does not have.

At present I am happily connecting to my internal masculine and being shown more about myself and my innate spiritual abilities. Last night I was shown how I can go within and dance with him/me/us. In other words, I am being taught how to reproduce from within an experience that previously has only come about via a catalyst. This, for me was exhilarating despite my exhausted state.

I will try and describe my experience the best I can…

When my partner came near and I felt the energy that is Us spreading through my physical body I was at first sad because I knew it would not intensify as it had recently. I felt sad for this and a bit hopeless and unable to understand the why of it all. My partner asked me to stop looking outward to him (or anyone else) for the connection I was seeking, He then repeated to me, “I am YOU”, and I knew he meant I should turn my focus inward. I have always known this but for some reason this time my perspective was different. The minute I focused inward I seemed to shift into him, into my own masculine, and as such I saw/felt myself, the feminine. In an instant I became both masculine and feminine and the energy – my energy – seemed to flood into my head all at once, pushing against my third eye with such force that I could sense that some other version of myself would take over, forcing my eyes open to “see” in a way I cannot on my own. Like in my previous experience of this, it seemed as if someone else was about to “take over”, but I know this is not the case because last time I allowed it. However, my human mind cannot help but react to what feels like a “invasion” and if I were to over analyze the sensation I would likely freak out completely. Thankfully, I have experienced enough of the “strange and unusual” that these types of human reactions are easily quieted.

The sensation I felt in my third-eye was most similar to my experiences of going OOB. There was a sudden swirling expansiveness and pressure in my third-eye accompanied by what I can only describe as a sound – a rushing, whirling like wind in my ears. Of course, the experience and understanding of what I was doing and how I was doing it was all at once mind-blowing. A part of me thought it impossible. With this doubt everything calmed, and once again I was sensing my partner as separate from me.

Recognizing I was the cause, I was doing it all, it did not take me long to try again. And again. And again. Each time I would get to a point, a crescendo of sorts, where I knew all I needed to do was allow and surrender. When that point arrived I couldn’t do it. It was just too exciting, to mind-blowing (not scary). My mind would not let go. It all reminds me of attempting a conscious astral projection from the body. It took me over a month of consistent trying to finally achieve a conscious exit. I would keep failing because I was just too curious and excited. Even when I did succeed I was so excited that I would end up right back in my physical body.

At least I succeeded at recognizing I could come into Union with myself whenever I wanted and that I have the capacity to expand beyond what I ever thought possible without any external help.

I will continue to work at surrendering to what feels very much like an invasion of my mind. This is the drawback of being fully awake and aware. The human response to the unknown is fear. I can’t help it and I won’t beat myself up over it. The first experience of this sense of invasion did not harm me. It was not scary. I was not “taken over” or “possessed”. I was there, observing and experiencing at the same time. Actually, the experience was truly awesome. I felt BIG, expansive and full of potential. But then I have always been an explorer, keen to jump into the unknown, to expand beyond the limits of this human experience; to Know.

Syncs

Ending this post with more syncs. Yesterday we got tons of rain in central Texas courtesy of Tropical Storm Gordon. On the way home from work my daughter was on the phone from home freaking out because it was raining so hard. We were very close to home but it was sunny. I looked out the window and saw it was pouring over our house in the distance. I took a photo and sent it to my daughter as proof. It was amazing to see.

IMG_3315

Later, we got caught in the storm as well but the blue sky could always been seen in the distance. It was really beautiful. It felt like the heaven’s were literally opening up over the top of me. Like it was saying it’s okay to let it all go.

On the way home in the rain a song came on the radio. My husband turned it up and I almost protested because it was rap. I am not a fan of rap but this one caught my attention because it was about opportunity. Yeah, there’s that word again! lol

Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

You only get one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…

You can do anything you set your mind to

Here’s the song:

So this song is playing while the heavens are opening up over the top of us. It was actually pretty awesome and put me in a really, really good mood. I felt awesome.

This morning another song presented itself. I noticed it because once again (like rap) it was out of my normal music preference. This time Spanish. lol I asked my husband what despacito meant. He said, “Slowy”. When I saw what the lyrics said I couldn’t help but laugh because this is the message I have been getting from my partner for a very long while – One step at a time. Slow but steady progress. This song makes me just want to dance. Again, “dance” is not a coincidence either.

Regardless of my lack of sleep, these are very exciting times and I am blessed to be alive in a human body experiencing them. Thank you God.

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Preparation Dreams

Well, I hate to say it, but I’m going through another “upgrade”. There’s no other explanation for the tiredness, constant chakra activity and intense dreams. Thankfully, for me at least, this is a teeny, tiny one…..or maybe I am just so use to them that it takes one hell of a beating for me to notice now days? 😀

First, More Syncs

Yesterday, I posted a dream I had where I received the message, “You are her.” I posted early that morning and then within an hour of arriving at work, a co-worker brought up the Harry Potter books. If you read that dream account then you know that I was going to see Harry Potter in the dream. lol So that was the first sync.

This morning, though, I came across a memorial post about Princess Diana. Not only is that in and of itself a sync, but so is the date of her passing as posted on the memorial: August 31, 1997. The date of my dream was August 31st (yesterday). Also, the year 1997 recently came up for me as well.

These kinds of syncs are becoming more and more common. I have a dream and then very soon after something in life reflects part of the dream back to me.

This is the video I saw this morning:

Last night I was working in my dreams, and not self-work, group work.

Wedding Preparation Dream  

I was preparing for my wedding (union), putting on my gown and doing my hair and makeup. I remember seeing my veil (what I’m trying to hide) – a short one that did not go below my shoulders. I also remember that my bra (support) was flowered and wrapped around my neck like a bathing suit top. The dress itself was white and flowing – traditional – and also wrapped around my neck. The groom was tall and fair haired. I recall feeling apprehensive and talking to the groom while getting ready for the ceremony.

New Contract Dream 

In this dream I was traveling with a group in a war-torn country – my country. Everything was covered in dust and there was no greenery as if we were in a desert but I knew it was this way because of war. The road we traveled was also dirt. There were no cars but it felt as if we traveled in many cars, like the “cars” were our bodies.

I recall working with a woman who was a yoga (harmony and balance) instructor. She was helping others by teaching them yoga to help with stress relief. I knew she was one of the many leaders and that she had organized her own group with their own mission.

I also recall coming to a check point and being stopped and told to fuel (energy, rest) up because where we were going there would be no fuel available. I questioned this, suggesting we skip it and move on. My group overruled me, opting to fill up their vehicles (which were not present in the dream) to be on the safe side.

Then I was presented with a written contract indicating that a portion of our group had decided to break away from the other. It was not a rebellion but a decision made by several members (the majority). At the bottom there were maybe a dozen, hand-written names, which were familiar to me in the dream. The contract stated that individuals listed were not to be a part of this new group and contract. My name was not listed and I voiced my agreement with the contract and what is specified.

Battle Plan Dream

In this dream I was sitting at a table inside a cafe somewhere. It felt like a scene from a movie. Across from me was a good looking black man who, in the dream, resembled Will Smith. We were both huddled over a large map (path) or blueprint discussing the coming changes and our individual and group roles. He mentioned to me the timeline and I interjected saying, “I thought it wasn’t until this Fall.” He said in response, “It is and it is almost time.” With his words came a telepathic reminder that today is September 1st. In the dream I held my breath briefly as I realized he was right and said, “Oh, yeah….”

Something about our conversation and the reminder of the date and why it was important brought me near full lucidity. With this awareness I was able to sense this man’s energy. It was familiar and attractive to me but not to the point that I was feeling intense energy. It was just familiar. This awareness caused me to wonder about his physical world condition – his age, his relationship status, etc. With my curiosity came immediate answers and I realized he was much, much older than he looked. I said to him, “You are 22 years older than me? But you look so young!” He immediately recognized my interest and sent back that he was in a relationship. I felt the relationship – their history together, his devotion and love, etc. The information/Knowing was instantaneous. Then I felt him suggest we get back to work but I was overcome with embarrassment for some reason. I felt humiliated and a wave of emotion washed over me. I remember thinking, “Why do they always have to be so much older than me? Why am I so young? What is wrong with me?” LOL (I laugh now but I was very upset in the dream). My thoughts were a jumble of considerations about physical world limitations. It was difficult for me to see this man as 64 years old when his energy was so young and vibrant. It made me wonder if all the people on my team were old (lol) and suddenly age was a big deal for some reason.

I started to cry in the dream and it woke me up, tears still streaming from my eyes. I heard people talking as I fell into the in-between. They were discussing the coming “storm” and asked me a question. In the midst of answering I forgot what we were discussing. My mind went blank. One of the voices said, “Oh, she’s awake now.” The telepathic sense here was that once physical awareness is reached certain topics cannot be discussed.

The same Nora Jones song was going through my mind when I woke. Specifically the lyrics:

Out across an endless sea 
I would die in ecstasy,
But I’ll be a bag of bones
driving down the road alone. 

Considerations

I wasn’t expecting to wake up crying over something like that. It was a surprise considering how good I’ve been feeling lately. Yes, I’m tired, and likely hormonal (lol), which doesn’t help. The way the emotion hit me in the dream, it was like it walked in from the left and just took over; like another aspect woke up and brought with her a whole flood of emotions.

The emotion was enough to send me back to asking to go Home (sigh). It can be so difficult to wake up to this harsh reality when the other reality, the one where we are ageless and unlimited (the endless sea of ecstasy), is right there and obvious. It is like I can see it through a pane of glass, but while in this body I can’t touch it and am forced to live in a reality with so many limitations. The biggest surge of emotion came from knowing I walk this path alone (a bag of bones) and that those connections I feel when I am on the other side of that pane of glass will likely never be realized within the confines of this physical reality. So a part of me grieves continuously for the perceived loss.

Regardless of my grief, it is obvious that something is coming and I am being prepared for it. And, lo and behold, another sync greeted me this morning. A post on WP had the title, “Remain Calm as the Storm Approaches”. Then another titled, “Hope Your Rested”. Both were about the upcoming “storm”.

The “Hope Your Rested” post fits nicely with the part in my dream where I was being forced to “fuel up”. I’ve been having lots of dreams with fuel in them. Fuel = recharge, rest, refuel, take time out to rebuild your energy. Just three days ago I was advised to return to yoga and stop all high intensity exercise temporarily (over the weekend).

My mind is still lingering on the last dream and the upset I felt in realizing my friend in Spirit was so much older than me in the physical. The humiliation/embarrassment I felt was the result of recognizing just how obvious my loneliness must be to those I interact with OOB. I sensed a desperation in myself and as a result was ashamed at my weakness and inability to cope with the limitations of this physical reality and form. I am better than that. I know this. Yet it is still there and to be confronted with it in such a way was humbling. I was also jealous that my friend had a partner in his physical life and was happy and content with the life he had. That is why I was wondering, “What is wrong with me?” It was clear that he was not struggling like I am.

 

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1986

Oh where to start?! This has been another humdinger of a week, hasn’t it? And tomorrow is the full moon. I think: Already? lol It just seems like we go from one intense “event” to another lately.

1986

In all my life, I don’t think I have had such an intense August, not, at least, since my 10th year (1986). The intensity in 1986 was different, more physical than spiritual, though I have been told by astrologers that it was spiritually significant, too, a kind of spiritual awakening all of it’s own. My memory of that year is only of change, lots of change and much of it unwanted.

Firstly, we moved three hours from the only home I had ever known to relocate on family land in Central Texas. So it was my first ever move in this lifetime. I spent a good decade coming to terms with that move, too. My mom opted to move me and my sisters on the advice of a therapist, my therapist. The therapist had diagnosed me as emotionally disturbed, the main cause being my father and his emotionally abusive ways. She said I needed to be as far away from my dad as possible. Far enough that he would be unwilling to make the trip and to see me and my sisters on the weekends.

That summer I spent a couple of weeks with my dad in Houston. My sisters and I stayed with him at his apartment the whole time. My memories of this time are mixed, emotionally and physically. I remember helping my dad work on one of his cars. I rebuilt a carburetor all by myself after watching him take it apart. I liked working on cars with my dad and that memory especially is very strong. Though I have many bad memories of my dad, this is one of the good ones.

The next strongest memory I have is of a little girl I befriended while I was there. She was the same age as me and we hung out together in her apartment. Her parents were gone all day at work so it was just me and her. I have never told anyone this but she was my first ever sexual “partner”. Now don’t overreact, I was 10, so there was not much sexually going on with me, but I was curious and so was she. There was no removal of clothing, no kissing, just exploration – touching and fondling and, well, that is enough description, you get the idea. I remember she showed me her mother’s secret stash of Playgirl magazines. There were piles of them! I think those images will be ingrained in my memory for life. lol This little girl was the one who suggested we explore our bodies together, in a very innocent sorta way. I recall that I was hesitant. In fact, the emotion that is strongest is a feeling that I was being “bad” and that if anyone found out I would surely be spanked. lol The other thing I remember is that I liked how it made me feel. Again, the horror, right? My poor 10-year-old mind was in overdrive.

I would not be surprised if that little girl realized at a some point that she preferred women to men.

Ultimately, I was freaked out and avoided going back into the girl’s apartment just in case she tried to pressure me into more experimentation. It scared me, but mostly, my own reaction scared me because I liked her, I like how she made me feel, and I wanted more.

I had my very own camera at the time and snapped dozens and dozens of photographs, many of my newfound friend. Every time I look at them in old albums I pause when I see this little girl. I can’t remember her name but a part of me wonders where she is now, how she is doing and what her memories are from that time. As I think back on it even now, I think it likely she and I were meant to meet that summer. Maybe for her? Maybe for me? Maybe both?

The other memory I have is the most traumatic of them all. Toward the end of our visit, about a day or two before he was to drive us to our new home, my dad made it clear he had no intention of taking us home. My dad at the time could be very emotionally cruel. He had not wanted a divorce and often used us to get back at our mom. His announcement caused a very strong reaction in me. I was so terrified, in fact, that I demanded he let me call my mom. The memory is hazy but I believe whatever I said or threatened (likely the latter) convinced him to let me call my mom. When I got on the phone I was hysterical, telling my mom what he was threatening and crying that I wanted to come home. In my mind I was going through all kinds of scenarios trying to figure out how I could get home on my own. Honestly, I was prepared to go knock on a neighbor’s door and tell them what was going and call the police. I think I threatened my dad with this and that it was why he ultimately gave in and took us home. The whole drive home I was antsy. I couldn’t wait to get as far away from him as I could.

Back to the Present – 2018

When I started writing this post I had no intention of traveling back to 1986. None. Yet it came flowing out and now that it has, I know why.

This month, like I’ve already said, has been intense. This week especially has been drudging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, all linked to my first two chakras. Yesterday, I woke up with an old whiplash injury flaring up. The area around my left shoulder blade tends to get sore when I am stressed out. It has not been an issue for a long while, so I knew it meant I needed to relax and unwind. So, I went out to eat with my husband and had two Long Island Iced Teas. I immediately began to relax. Mostly I laughed a whole lot. Everything was funny.

My husband and I talked about the Kundalini energy for a while. He continues to think this energy is just sexual attraction and my wanting to leave him for another man. He said he believed the minute I found someone else I would leave him, that I have just been waiting for the opportunity to go. I told him, “Maybe I already have and chose you instead?” He wanted to know why I would choose him and I told him that Kundalini attraction tends toward reactivity; it is ungrounded. I explained that our relationship is the opposite. It is solid and logical in comparison. I said that I am looking for a mixture of the two, a nice blend of the intense Kundalini fire and the non-reactive, groundedness, like what we have.

As we talked and I explained the Kundalini fire and attraction, the word “folly” popped into my mind. I said there was a quote about folly and love. We both immediately searched Google for it. This is what came up:

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise | Picture Quotes
We both got a good laugh out of it. It felt like he understood me. Finally.

Oddly, there was this sign behind the bar that caught my eye. I ended up staring at it for a long time and finally just snapped a photo. See if you can figure out why:

IMG_3240

Look at the year. 1997. Yeah, weird. I mentioned it to my husband and we talked about what we were doing in 1997 on the drive home. I was married to my ex and living in Alabama. Though I didn’t mention it to my husband (he knows), I had a near affair with one of my ex’s friends at that time. Another memory I prefer to bury. Not my best year.

What were you doing in 1997?

When we got home, I went on a long walk with my daughter and our dog, Monty. I laughed while we walked in a huge field behind a church and let Monty roam free. Here are some photos of our walk:

 

 

 

For some crazy reason the two drinks lingered in my system much longer than they should have. I was still tipsy at around 10pm! I fell asleep easily and slept until almost 9am.

Dream: We are One, We are Many

Prior to bed I asked for help with some current issues I’ve been having. I have become acutely aware of a major blockage in my second chakra and I can’t seem to break it loose. I asked for insight into the reasons for this.

In this dream I entered a library (search for knowledge) and stopped at the front counter where the clerk sat. She was a nice looking blonde woman in her mid-thirties, early forties. She seemed to know me and I her.

In front of me on the counter were piles of typed documents (discovery, self-realization), blog posts that I had not posted yet. In the dream the pile was spread out on the counter but in my mind I was going through them on my cell phone while also physically sorting them. At one point I came across a document that I had not typed. In fact, I knew someone must have hacked into my phone. I skimmed through it and saw that it made little sense but then my eyes stopped on the end. There, clear as day, were the words, “We are One, We are Many.” I knew, then, that it was a message from my guidance, likely a channeled message. Sadly, I only recall the end line now. 😦

Then, the blonde woman picked up a business card that was laying with my documents and said, “I’m going to call him.” I panicked and grabbed the card. I told her that it was mine, from a friend. She inquired about him and I said he and I had a connection. She said, “Ah…I get it!” I mentioned a name, but the name I said was the name of my loan officer who just helped us close on our refinance. lol The whole time a song was playing but I can’t remember it now. It was a mixture of heavy metal and rock/pop.

Then I was watching the blonde woman talking to my MIL. They appeared to be friends. The blonde lady agreed to meet my MIL at 7:30am the next day. Their conversation revealed that they met up often and that the blonde woman was trying to earn extra money. When I heard she needed money I asked her if she was struggling. She said she was. I immediately got out my billfold and pulled out a wad of money. It was a mixture of bills but I knew there was a $100 bill inside. I thought maybe I would ask her to close her eyes and pick one but then decided I would just give her the $100 (success is within your reach). I handed it to her and told her, “There’s no need to worry.” The woman took it but never said thank you. She walked over to her purse and said something about using it for her violin (peace and harmony).

I awakened with a heavy energy covering my body. I knew the message about money was from me, to me. My guidance often told me that I will always have enough. Money would not be an issue. I also knew the message “We are One, We are Many” was from my guidance. They have said this often.

This song was going through my head, specifically the “whatever it takes”:

The fire and water elements in the video are not lost on me. Nor is the message.

August has been exactly that: Fire and Water.

For some odd reason, when I woke I knew that the solution to my second chakra problem is feminine energy. This consideration seemed like a breakthrough to me. It made total sense. If the issue is a feminine one, which is likely considering it’s location in the energy body, then masculine energy would only aggravate the problem, forcing something that force alone created. What is needed to pry it loose is feminine energy.

Back to 1986

And so, now you see why that memory from 1986 came up. I do not think it coincidence that I would wake up thinking I needed to connect with another woman, to use the feminine energy to heal and bring me back to wholeness, only to have memory of doing exactly that over 20 years ago come to mind.

If you look at my memories from that year, you see potent, feminine, sexual energy, newly awakened in me, paired with trauma, trauma caused by the masculine energy, that of my father. There is intermixed with it all a confusion resulting from this energy, a confusion that was never resolved, and a decision made by me to bury the memory, the “shame”.

Add to this memory the recent reconnection I had with my best friend from high school, and it all seems perfectly obvious and clear: Feminine energy is needed now, not masculine.

The first conclusion one might draw is that I need to get with a woman energetically or even physically; have a repeat of 1986. I don’t know if that is necessary. It could also mean that I need to tap into my own feminine energy somehow. But then I don’t know how I can do that.

Any suggestions appreciated.

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A Little Retrograde is Good for Us

Today is my first day of working from home. Yep! So exciting that what I had been asking for is materializing! All I had to do was trust and have patience and here I am, living it! My youngest is not too keen on the idea of being home all day with me, though, not now that he has been staying at my SIL’s house during the day. He really loves going there. Kinda makes me a bit sad, but then I understand. There’s nothing more fun than spending a whole day with your three favorite cousins.

I am enjoying waking up slowly, taking my time to drink my coffee and not having to rush to get ready. Mornings are meant to go slow, in my opinion. Now one rushes the sun, so no one should have to wake up all at once.

Some Updates

Remember when I told you all that I was going to have lunch with my best friend from high school? Well, I did. Yesterday. It was fantastic to see her again. It felt like no time at all had passed, though I haven’t seen her in at least 4 years, maybe more.

She’s a Leo like me and we were like two peas in a pod all through high school. I have known her since 5th grade. Her family was like my second family. Though she was more the typical Leo, meaning she had her group of friends where she was the center of attention. I was the less typical Leo. I prefer one or two close friends. I’m introverted. She brought out the best in me. We just clicked and we helped each other through some rough times.

We ended up sitting in Jason’s Deli for over two hours talking and catching up. By the end I was telling her things I have not told anyone, except maybe in this blog, but even things I don’t talk about in this blog. I found myself near tears for the relief of telling it all. To be able to share without judgment, safe and loved, is the most wonderful thing. And she was always good at that, at listening, at sympathizing, at sharing.

We agreed we should meet up again. We are practically neighbors as it is. She has two boys, one the same age as my middle son. Her oldest has the same condition as my oldest – dysgraphia. Her struggle with her son was very real to me, but hers was much more difficult because she didn’t get the help for her son that she should have early on (not her fault). We laughed at how fitting it was that we would have children who struggled with spelling and school. We were both very smart in school. It came easily to us.

Then there is the re-finance my husband and I have been working on. It was set to close last Thursday. Mercury was still retrograde. And guess what? Yeah, there was a kink. Somehow the amount of cash out we were suppose to get shrunk by $5k. No kidding. WTF right? Then we couldn’t get anyone on the phone to help sort it out. Though $5K is not a lot, we chose a specific amount of money so we could pay down debt. Without that $5K then things are trickier. So we ended up signing with reassurance from the notary that we had three days to decide, to opt out if it was not resolved. I am hoping we can resolve it today, but if we can’t I am not against opting out and throwing the whole damn thing out and starting over. It was dumb to do it during Mercury retrograde anyway, right? lol

In the meanwhile I have Kundalini bliss overload. Still. Not complaining. There is some beautiful dancing going on in my world. The dance of the masculine and feminine; hieros gamos; the sacred marriage. With it there is this gentle, healing energy. I feel it repairing me, stitching up old wounds, making me “all better”. I feel myself opening deeper and deeper to the masculine, accepting and eager for the aliveness the comes with embracing my Whole self.

At the same time I notice the retrograde effect is very prominent. Retrograde – going back, reliving the past, picking up lessons left unfinished. At first I thought it was from a specific time period, but I am understanding this is not the case. The lessons can be from any time, this life or another. With it is a need to confront that which I do not want to see. To open up to my deepest inner desires; that which fuels my creativity and sparks my potential to manifest. When we hold back, when we do not allow ourselves to BE we wound ourselves. Ultimately, we are the most wounded by ourselves, not by others. This is what I find at my core. No blame. No pointing fingers or placing responsibility on another. It is all me. I did it all. And similarly, I can undo it. But it is scary because I have convinced myself that restriction of myself is keeping me – and others I love – safe. Safe is a curious words, a human word. In reality, as Spirit, nothing can harm us. We are infinite. The need for safety comes with mortality. Period.

So, I guess the question is: Can I step out from behind this wall of safety I have built around myself? Can I strip away that illusion so that I can see who I really am behind it all? I am waiting for myself to do this. I’ve been waiting my whole life for it.

 

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Message: Fire. Two Weeks

Okay, so remember the message I got a few weeks ago? I mentioned it in one of my posts because it was so odd. It was one of those morning wake up messages. I’ve gotten them before so I wrote it down in my Google Calendar and forgot about it. The message was: Fire. Two weeks. I had thought it may literally mean a fire or that it might mean someone was “fired” but other than that I had no idea what it could mean.

I do now.

Without going into too much detail I will just say my Kundalini has been lit. I am literally on fire. Almost all.the.time. It isn’t annoying or driving me crazy but sometimes it makes me squirm a bit. lol And yes, it happens during the day as well as the night.

I haven’t been getting much sleep.

As a result I am doing less yoga. No need to push myself overboard, right?

My appetite has changed as a result of my energy being lit up all the time. I’m just not hungry. I am thirsty as hell, though. And there is a restlessness sometimes, but not often.

So, yeah. Fire. Two weeks. Right on target last Sunday.

The Kundalini is raging much like it did in the summer of 2016. It is the most beautiful experience this time, though. So much more than I can even describe. So much more than I can relay in words. It truly is a Divine time in my spiritual journey. Nothing up to this point comes close to matching the path I find myself on now. This August is shocking the hell out of me when usually my birth month is boring.