Feeling a shift but not sure what it means. The 1111 sign continues to show up. For example, I’ve been watching True Detective , season 4 with Jodie Foster (definitely recommend) and in one of the scenes on the ice rink I heard a whisper of a voice in my mind say “1111” and just as I heard it, there appeared on the scene, in the background, four distinct blue neon bars that were super obvious to me. It was like time paused briefly when this happened, something I have not experienced in a long while.
Last night I felt this heaviness and a distinct sense of something coming. I sensed it might be considered “bad” and other messages from the previous days via music and other avenues started pouring into my mind. For example, a song I listen to says “I can see the signs, I’m running out of time”. With this song I’ve also had the paused time feeling, especially regarding the “running out of time” part. When this happened, I was driving home from work and life appeared to be like a moving movie and I thought, “All of this could disappear in an instant” and I felt oddly disconnected from this plane of existence. Totally a Matrix moment.
Yesterday I was driving and something caught my eye. It was a blue blur at first and it was rising up into the sky. I recognized it was a balloon but it was in the shape of a number 3. I took a pic but it isn’t a very good one. It felt significant. Later, in the evening, I ran into a post on reels about Mercury Retrograde just concluding and someone was saying if no ex’s came into your life then you don’t have anymore work to do with them. I looked it up and turns out my ex found his new GF at the tail end of the second to the last Mercury Retro and my heart connection returned during the most recent one. Hmmm. Unfinished business? The number three can represent the combination of two opposites into one (Union), the divine triad (Christianity, Hinduism), and creativity, communication and expression.
Lyrics from the song Afterlife:
I′m trapped, in the darkness of my mind I want it back, but I’m lost along the way Under attack, I can feel it pull me in I push it back, do I sink or do I swim Now all I want is for you to drag me down, watch me drown In what I lost, can you hear me calling out A voice from underground
chorus
I can see the signs, I′m running out of time I can feel it calling, from the afterlife If I lose my mind, let the darkness cry If I feed the demon, will it bring me back to life Will it bring me back to life Will it bring me back to life Will it bring me back to life Will it bring me back to life
verse
I’m wrapped in a vision of myself I never had Now I’m losing my own faith And if I stop, giving in to what they say Could I save myself, from my own fate ′Cause all I want is for you to drag me down, watch me drown In what I lost, I can you hear it calling out A voice from underground
chorus
I can see the signs, I′m running out of time I can feel it calling, from the afterlife If I lose my mind, let the darkness cry If I feed the demon, will it bring me back to life Will it bring me back to life, bring me back to life
Happy Father’s Day to all you father’s out there! Hope you have a great day.
My husband has gone off to ride motorcycles with his brothers today. He recently got his motorcycle license and is really into it. So his Father’s Day is going to be a good one.
I’ve been quite low mood lately. Just grumpy, pessimistic and disappointed. The messages I received about June 13th and “three weeks” seemed to have no purpose. Nothing significant has happened to indicate why I received these messages.
Some minor things have come up that may or may not be significant. I realized I have a sensitivity to wine last week when I had a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir. My nose became stuffy after around the third sip. This is normal for me so I disregarded. By the second glass, however, I had congestion and noticeable restriction when I breathed. I looked up my symptoms because as far back as I can remember I have always become congested when I drank wine. I finally thought maybe it was not normal. And there it was – alcohol sensitivity. In my case specifically sensitivity to wine. So no more wine for me I guess. BUT I do fine with Tequila! 🙂
Another thing that happened was a hair change. About two weeks ago I got my hair cut and then I dyed it darker to cover up the overly blonde ends I disliked. After washing my hair it curled quite a bit and even after brushing it straight it would curl up again. I let it dry naturally and had a significant amount of wavy curls. This surprised me but I figured it would go away. Well, it hasn’t. What was once straight hair with lots of body is now wavy/curly hair.
I had naturally curly hair as a baby and toddler. My best guess is that this change has to do with aging somehow.
Not much in dream recall these days. I sleep very deeply and struggle to remember details from my dreams for the most part. Some dreams survived in my memory from last night, though.
Dream: Vic’s
This dream was odd. The first thing I recall is being outside by a house in a suburb talking to a woman. She motioned to a truck (hard work) parked (delay) by the curb in front of the house. I walked over and saw a dark haired man lying under the truck face up. He was awake and looking up at me. For some reason this seemed completely normal. Then a light rain began to fall and he just lay there in it seemingly lost in thought. I said to him, “I sometimes like the rain, too, especially when it is like this.” I walked back to the house.
Then, I was in a grocery store (searching for alternative paths/choices) but it looked like the inside of a house to me. I volunteered to make a type of brownie(pleasure, indulgence) that was half blonde and half chocolate (maybe good/bad, yin/yang). I went to get the ingredients and found myself in a section of a house. All the lights were off. When I went in I said aloud, “Oh, I forgot this was Vic’s.” The women there was not very nice and scoffed at me asking me not to call it that. I noticed she was very uptight and grumpy about it. I turned to her and told her how grateful I was that she bought the store and was tending to it. I hugged her tight and burst into tears. It woke me.
Flash dream memory – I had hairy armpits (nonconforming to society). The hair was dark and almost as long as a man’s would be. I hid it and looked around to see if anyone noticed. Then decided it didn’t matter anyway.
Dream: Oklahoma to New York
In this dream I was traveling by plane with my husband to New York. He told me we could stop off in Oklahoma (hard work brings reward) on the way. I saw a map of Texas and Oklahoma along with some specific destinations. Remembering it now, I know I had dreamed of this map before.
He dropped me at a school and told me he would be meeting a friend at a bar in NY (new path) and would come get me when he was done. There is brief memory of traveling in a boat (emotion) at this time.
I walked into a school gymnasium and sat on the bleachers with the others. They were all very young, like 13 or so, and I felt way too old to be there. None of the students seemed to notice, though, so I might have looked their age for all know.
The teachers was up in front teaching about a subject I do not remember now. We were being instructed on how to do something but all I recall now is taking this large, blue ball, and rolling it around under my hip area. The ball was one of those plastic, bouncy balls about one foot in diameter.
For some reason I decided to take off my skirt and underwear (private self) when I used this ball. There was a male student sitting to my right so I made sure he didn’t see. I had on a long enough shirt to cover myself.
As class was being dismissed the young man asked me a question about the next class. I quickly put my skirt and underwear back on as I answered him. My answer indicated the next class was about female anatomy and I told him, “We’ll talk about breasts. You probably won’t be interested…well maybe you will.” I said this smiling.
Outside I waited for my husband to return. I sat on a bench in the hallway and had in my lap a laptop (communication). I closed it and it began to play what sounded like a movie in Spanish. The other students around me looked and started to giggle. I opened it and turned it off saying, “I thought I turned it off.”
My husband arrived and said his friend cancelled and we could continue our trip. From there I ended up inside a house waiting for him yet again. There was this bar in the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) and a large, German Shepherd dog (protection). I had a sandwich (wholeness) and put it on the bar. The dog began to sniff it and I three soda at him to get him to leave it alone. It soaked half my sandwich and the floor. I cleaned it up and ate the meat out of the sandwich.
The woman who owned the house came home and I told her about the spill. She asked if I cleaned it up and I said I had.
Then I was outside watching my husband sitting on a pier with a fishing pole (seeking answers) in his hand. I watched him catch a tiny catfish (hidden truths, deception, disappointment). I was talking to another man as I watched. A boat was in the distance and it felt like I had traveled on it. I remembered the earlier part of the dream before going to the class. I had been on the boat! Then I saw my husband catch another small catfish and commented on it saying, “He keeps catching catfish!”
Dream: Man Boobs
I was at a construction site (transitional phase in life). Someone mentioned they were building a hotel (seeking better life). I saw a great hole (seeking self-understanding) in the earth and went up to one of the workers to ask if it was for a swimming pool (cleansing). The man I approached apologized as he tried to cover himself. He had very large breasts (nourishment, love, nurturing) that looked like those of a woman. I said, “Don’t worry. I’ve seen it all before.”
I turned to the hole in the ground. It was a narrow rectangle. I asked the man with the boobs if it was for a pool and he said it was. I spoke to a worker on the other side of the hole, asking, “Will it be fiberglass or concrete?” He said, “Fiberglass.” I noted the pieces on the sides of the hole and said, “Oh, that’s them then?” He nodded his head. I said, “Fiberglass won’t last as long. Maybe half as long.” He said, “Actually only 30%.” Note: I suspect this part of the dream indicates that whatever reprieve I am seeking will not be permanent.
Music
When I woke this morning and other mornings this week, a particular song was going through my head:
“I’ll never be the same if we ever meet again” were the lyrics that kept going through my head. I haven’t heard this song since 2016 after I returned from Tennessee.
Another song followed this one and came later in the morning. The lyrics that I kept hearing, “If ever you’re in my arms again, this time I’ll hold you forever.”
Funny how both songs indicate what could happen, but only “if”.
The songs didn’t make me feel better. If anything I felt worse. I was wishing that I could go back to 2014 and erase every spiritual experience I had after that. All of it. Wipe it from my memory. I feel more dead now than I ever did before it all happened.
In fact, I went all the way back to 2003 when I made the decision to quit teaching and follow the spiritual path. What if I hadn’t done that? How would my life be different? Would it better? Would I be happier? If I had stayed at my teaching job, built my house and lived for myself, maybe I could have avoided all of this. What if I had never awakened?
It seems to me that ignorance is bliss. Right now I long to be ignorant. I keep questioning my path and wondering about my “mission”. If I am here to shine my Light, I sure don’t feel like I am succeeding. In fact, this morning it sure felt like I am one of those who came to gather information and take it back with me when I die. This means all I am here to do is experience whatever I can. But I feel done with experiencing. Experience has sucked me dry. I don’t want any more please. I’ve had my fill, thank you.
I continue to be really tired. Mostly it manifests as me sleeping in every morning and waking up feeling as if I took a sleeping pill – groggy, heavy eyelids, lingering in bed. Once I wake up I am okay. The third-eye and crown chakra activity has subsided and the Kundalini appears to be taking a break.
Dreamwork
The dreamwork continues but most of the dreams I have are lost upon waking now. I am just too tired to care. This morning one dream lingered upon waking along with a song and a sense that the “opportunity” that I had many syncs and dreams indicating was coming, has already come and gone. I missed it, I guess, and a part of me is kicking myself for it.
This morning’s dream goes along with a dream theme that has been recurrent for some time now: Montana. The dream scene varies, sometimes it is beautiful and green and other times covered in ice and snow. Sometimes I am in a large, log cabin or inside a structure of some sort, but most of the time I am out in the mountains or flying over them. Just talking about it brings to mind so many vivid experiences – watching a whale flying through the sky, traveling with a group to a lodge cabin mansion, and meeting up with a man at the top of a mountain while surrounded by hundreds of cats (yeah! lol).
Montana appears to symbolize my own, personal spiritual journey. I connect the mountains with being Home, a place that, to me, has a special feeling of “arrival”, peace, release and acceptance.
Dream: Modge Podge Montana
This entire dream took place inside a very large lodge (feeling stuck in life) in the mountains of Montana (spiritual journey). I did not go outside, so I never actually saw the mountains.
I was with a group of individuals, most unfamiliar to me in this life. I recall being with my current family as well as with my ex-husband’s family, specifically his mother. The dream seemed to mix the two life experiences as if to show me the similarities. I believe I was speaking with someone about what was transpiring in the dream, as if narrating while also being a participant.
I woke up in the dream and went out to the main area of the lodge. A group was gathered, among them my current husband and my ex-MIL. My husband told me he was leaving for the day with his friends, a group of guys who stood behind him. In the dream I was upset and protested very loudly in front of everyone (something my husband hates). My main complaint was that he often left for the entire day without warning, leaving me with all three of our children and no help. I complained that I would have to hire a sitter if I needed to anything outside of the house, either that or take them all with me. I felt overwhelmed and dumped upon by him. I also didn’t know what to do without him with me. Without him, I felt unable to do anything on my own, as if I was frozen in place.
My ex-MIL came to his defense. In real life she was very passive aggressive, which often infuriated me because no one else seemed to notice but me. To everyone else she was loving and wonderful but to me she was intent on separating me and her son.
My husband, whose appearance kept morphing between my ex and current husband, left and I sulked for a bit, all the memories of the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-MIL coming to mind mixed with the issues I have with my current MIL.
As I mulled over it all, emotions surfaced and mixed together leaving me feeling overwhelmed. The main emotion I felt was abandoned. I remember discussing my need to be with my partner, to feel included and supported. When left alone I managed, but the loneliness always got to me and I often grew angry and depressed. When my ex would come back from weeks or months away I struggled with being happy at his return to being resentful for his leaving me. I often felt that it would have been better had he never returned so I would not have to go through the upset of him leaving all over again, and again, and again.
Then there was my ex-MIL and her constant meddling. In the dream this played out as me seeing her spread rumors about me to the others in the lodge. In real life she would call up her son and tell him negative things about me, insert doubt into his mind about our marriage and me, all the while under the guise of being his loving and caring mother. The dream revealed to me just how much hurt this caused me but at the time it infuriated me and likely made me look all the worse in the eyes of my ex-husband. Years later and after our divorce, my ex told me he rarely spoke to his mom because he realized what she was up to. Too late for us but at least she was found out.
In the midst of all this distant past memory was the present, seeming to mix and merge, revealing the many similarities of the two.
At one point in the dream a group of Native Americans approached. There was a little girl (inner child) and a very, very old woman (the crone) with them. The old woman was to be healed via a special ceremony that involved packing her entire pelvic region in clay and letting it harden. I remember being very kind to the old woman, holding her hand and the hand of the little girl and walking across a wooden bridge toward their camp. There was a medicine man with us explaining the old woman’s ailment. I laughed when I realized the clay was to help her have a bowel movement (release of old habits and patterns) and commented on how ingenious it was.
There was a whole other dream scene after this inside an elementary school (lessons). I remember a young boy stepping on my heels and twisting his ankle. I sent him to the nurse but was told he often purposefully hurt himself to get attention and was shown a huge pile of nurse slips from his many attempts. The whole time I had two female teachers accompanying me and seeming to act as guides.
Considerations
When I woke I realized I had slept straight through the night. This is unusual for me. I usually wake 2-3 times. A song was going through my mind, specifically “there’s a ghost inside me”.
My daughter knew the song and listened to it with me this morning. She did not know what a “spectre” was. I told her it meant “ghost” and showed her the definition. In telling her this, I was reminded of a dream I had not long ago where I witnessed a part of me who I could not control. She was at first a white horse and then morphed into a ghost and left with a ghost man. I recognized that the song was referring to “the ghost inside me”, this white woman who seemed outside of my control, wild, and free – like a horse.
Similarly, a couple of nights ago I had a short visual in a dream of me opening a gate and releasing an entire herd of horses and not long before that a dream of one horse being released and running free.
Finally, I was reminded of another dream I had not long ago. It was short and made no sense at the time. I was flying around a city center above a road that circled a fountain. In order to get home I had to take a highway but when I got to it, it was closed. I was told I could only enter if I had someone with me. I agreed and was allowed to pass. This memory in turn reminded me of all the dreams and syncs occurring at the time indicating “opportunity” was coming.
Everything seemed to point out to me that my opportunity came and I turned it down.
As you can imagine I was not in a good mood after all this.
In reflecting on the dream, music message and resulting memories, I am reminded of other recent events. It all points to me being or feeling unable to move; feeling stuck. I recognize it is my own doing. A visual comes to mind of a woman in quicksand refusing a stick held out to her.
It seems that these two tarot spreads are playing out, just not like I thought they would. This one especially:
This week I have been more tired than usual. Additionally, my third-eye and crown chakras – well my entire head and at times all the way down my neck and into my ears – has been buzzing with energy. Even as I type this my third-eye is buzzing. It is non-stop. I’ve only experienced my third-eye buzzing continuously like this one other time, I think in 2015 (not sure) and at that time it went on for at least a month straight.
Odd Dreams
I have been tired, sleeping deeply and having very vivid dreams. Here are a few snippets of dreams from the week:
I was in Montana (spiritual awareness) at a resort (pun on last resort). It was winter and snowing (frozen progress). Outside were two rectangular, shallow pools or fountains (joy, new relationship), parallel to one another. The water was clear and calm (clarity). I saw two small, tropical fish (insight) in the water, one was orange and the other purple. They seemed to be seeking each other out and I was fascinated by them, especially the orange fish.
I recall preparing oatmeal for one of my kids. I was cooking it and went to make more. I scooped out the last from the container and saw worms in it. They were like mealworms but flat. Oatmeal = sameness, comfort, groundedness. The worms indicate I am ready for new experiences.
In another dream I was being given sheet music to sing. My mom sang with me and I swear it was the song “Shake it Out”. I remember being told something about “three feet above” and seeing a man holding his hand way up over his head.
Dreams – No Legs
I had two dreams involving cutting off of legs. The first was of Trooper (my deceased Australian Shepherd). I only remember now that I was in a restaurant that also looked like my grandmother’s house. Trooper needed surgery on his leg. I told the vet to just remove all of his legs. Then I went about the dream, doing things I can’t remember now. What woke me was that I remembered I had said to remove all the legs and thought, “He will die!” I woke up a bit panicked because of it and then thought it really odd symbolism. Dogs are protection or a “best friend”. Without legs they can’t move. Maybe I am trying to “immobilize” my protection?
Then I had a whole dream about a friend and in the dream who either had no leg or was losing a leg. It is hard to recall now. In this dream, no leg means a failing relationship.
Dream: You are HER
This morning’s dream was in the UK. I was with a young boy and we were guests of the Queen, only she was very young. The boy was asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to meet Harry Potter (magic perhaps?) so the Queen got us tickets to a live show. On our way to the city we were prepped, given gloves (how I handle things) to wear because we were traveling with the Queen. I was given a pair of tanned leather gloves and put them on.
When we arrived in the city I recall it being familiar. Then I was shown a long, hand-written letter from the Queen. I don’t remember what it said now but it was signed, “HER”. When I read it I read “her” but I saw “HRM” and knew it meant, “Her Royal Majesty”. In my mind I saw flashes of Princess Diana and it confused me because I knew she never became Queen.
As I woke, I heard, “You are HER.” My crown and root chakra were buzzing intensely and in unison. My thoughts upon waking were that “Queen” represents the Divine Feminine.
Dream: Stolen Bag
This dream was mostly in the dark (low awareness). I arrived at work, which was Wal-Mart. I was glad it was dark because I was tired. My shift started at 6:30am. I sat at a table and drifted to sleep, aware of people walking past that could not see me. At one point the lights began to turn on ahead of me. I saw a crowd of customers and a cashier with a long line. I got up to report for work. Another cashier was trying to get a new eraser (clearing up mistakes). I suggested she use paper towels (temporary setback).
Then I went back to my table to get my stuff. I had left my bag (life responsibilities) and phone (communication) there. The tables were completely full and I couldn’t find my stuff. I searched but found nothing and hoped someone had grabbed it and put it in a locker for me. I criticized myself for not locking it up and worried someone was going to deplete my account using my debit card.
I went outside and saw a man working on a truck (work), siphoning gas (energy, spirituality) out of it. I backed off as a stream of gas went high into the air.
Then back inside it was dark again and I heard someone singing. I complimented the girl, telling her she sounded like Nora Jones. She was singing, Don’t Know Why. I heard the part, “My heart is drenched in wine” but instead of “wine” I heard “white”. The girl thanked me but as she walked by I realized she was a he.
I’ve been really, really tired lately and needing more sleep than usual. I suspect all the Kundalini healing and energy necessitates that I get more sleep than usual. I love to sleep, so I don’t mind.
The Kundalini was quiet last night and I was able to get a nice, restful sleep. Dream recall is spotty, though. I didn’t remember any dreams until this afternoon, on my way to have lunch with my daughter at her school, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before. The lyrics that stood out to me were, “Roller coaster”. It was said over and over again in the song and it triggered a dream memory.
Here’s the song:
Dream: Baby Roller Coaster
In the dream I was with a man walking outside. I remember green grass and a vivid blue sky. Our conversation is lost to me except the part about the construction of a roller coaster. We were planning where to put it and I pointed to an elevated area. We stepped through a kind of portal or doorway and it took us from the green field to a spacious area but I am not sure if it was outside or inside because all I remember of it is the color off white or gray.
As we transitioned into the large, open space the roller coaster seemed to materialized all at once. The beginning of it was at the elevated area I had suggested which was no higher than counter height. I remember explaining that it had to start high up to give the car enough speed to make it to the end. Then I watched as a woman sat inside a tiny seat and strapped herself in with a couple of seat belts. I watched as she road the roller coaster to the end, noting there were not many steep hills or fast curves. I said, “It’s a baby roller coaster”. I was informed that we were working our way up to larger, faster ones. I was excited about that and remember seeing blueprints for future roller coasters we would be constructing.
Then it was my turn. I was put in the car and set upon the track but instead of the starting point, I was placed at the finishing point. I did not wear a seat belt. Someone pushed me a bit and the car rolled slowly up the track but one of the wheels came off the track and I slid off and over onto my butt, falling only a couple of inches to the ground. I remember thinking it odd that they would put me on going the wrong way but I never protested, just sat looking at the roller coaster track thinking I wasn’t going to go anywhere starting at the finish.
Considerations
Overall, I think the dream is positive. A roller coaster is life’s ups and downs. The more hills and drops, the more crazy the life experiences. The roller coaster in this dream was very mild, a “baby roller coaster”. Therefore, the life experiences would be much less dramatic, more calm and smooth, but still fun and exhilarating. The fact that I was planning more roller coasters indicates more experiences are on the horizon, but nothing intense just yet. The blueprints point to a bit bigger ride next go round but still one that qualifies as “baby”. 😉 The part at the end, where I am set at the end of the ride, suggests that I am realizing the ride is officially over.
I believe this dream is a reflection of what I just experienced, specifically from August 12th through August 27th. I just finished a wild, Kundalini ride that was unusual and unexpected in so many ways. The experience was a mixture of physical and spiritual, catalyzed by a physical world connection, ultimately culminating in a massive healing event. It was an exhilarating thrill-ride through Kundalini bliss-land. Yet there was nothing crazy or illogical about it. I was completely calm and collected throughout. The energy dynamics were intense, yes, but there were no major drops or dips, no manic highs….just like the “baby roller coaster” in the dream.
In the end I am left in awe and blown away once again by this amazing ascension journey I find myself on. This experience has me wanting to explore further the deep connections we have with one another, soul connections that exist beyond the limits of time and space. I have witnessed a part of myself that is without fear, that is willing to experience the Divine in all things, that is open and vulnerable while at the same time passionate and fiery, ready to consume and be consumed.
It is clear to me now that my experiences over the last few years have profoundly changed me for the better. I am excited for the next roller coaster ride. I’m ready!
Wow. I don’t even know where to start for this post! SO much going on, this time mostly spiritually but also in this physical reality experience.
My me-time is so preciously scarce since I started working full-time that I don’t get to blog near as much as I would like. I tend to use my me-time to exercise, do yoga, and be with my kids. That leaves close to no time to write, though I do sneak it in on my private blog/journal when something pops up that I feel I need to document. Usually I jot some things down on a piece of paper as I rush to get ready in the morning and then write a quick account in my private blog when I get to work.
But I’m not complaining. I am enjoying life much more now. Busy = no time to over think things (my nemesis).
There are now SIX planets retrograde and I think the day Uranus went retrograde was when I started noticing a shift in my universe. It started with the sudden onset of post-nasal drip on Tuesday night alongside a nasty sinus headache. That night I didn’t sleep. The next morning my head felt to be in a vice and my throat hurt from the post-nasal drip. I felt like shit but took some Ibuprofen and went to work anyway. The Ibuprofen lessened the pain but I felt wiped out and zoned out most of the day. That night I took a dose of NyQuil and passed out. The next morning, as if by a miracle, I was cured! I have no idea if I was actually sick, if it was allergies or if something spiritual (ascension flu) was the culprit. I may never know, but afterward was when the vivid dreams started.
I’m still not sure how to relay all that occurred but I will do my best to organize it in a way that makes sense to you all while not eliminating too much detail/importance.
Synchronicities
The night of the 6th I was browsing FB and ran into a video of The Tonight Show with Will Ferrell. I rarely watch videos like this but this one I did. I liked it so much I shared it. I thought nothing of it at the time. Here is the video. Make sure to watch until the end:
That night I had this dream:
I was with my family waiting on my husband to get ready so we could go fishing (bring up repressed emotions for inspection). He was taking a long time, purposefully it seemed. It was getting later and later so I opted to go fishing without him. I took the kids with me and we drove off.
On the way we ended up on a mountain road. The mountains were a rusty red color and it was like we were in Arizona. At one point we stopped and Orren wandered across the road to look over the edge. I went to grab him with my other two kids. Somehow all three kids ended up falling over the edge (difficult time/fear of what lies ahead). I dropped a cardboard box (attempts to preserve and protect aspect of life) over the edge. They clung to it and I pulled them up. In the dream it was a heart pounding, scary experience.
We then headed back stopping at a restaurant on the mountain. Inside we ran into my husband who had followed us to catch up. He was hanging out with two cyclists in their gear being social with them. Me and my daughter looked through a store in the restaurant at a menu of items. The items were Thanksgiving meals made to order ahead of the holidays. The prices for a full meal were around $300. I opted not to buy anything and a nice lady gave us a beautiful metal container with scallops (female sexuality) inside as a gift. She told us how to make them, indicating how long to cook and giving us tips to make a quick meal with red sauce. The scallops were very memorable. I tasted one in the dream.
We then ran into a family who had moved to the area. A map was out and they were talking about what school the daughter would go to. A woman pointed to a school on the outskirts of town and I said it was likely new and had lots of kids like schools do these days. The girl would be in 10th grade and I commented on how I would be nervous to go to a school with so many kids. I told them of my teaching experience and how I was intimidated by all the tall (looking down on self) students. The mother and daughter looked bored and the mother said, “Well we aren’t worried about it.” As they turned their backs on me as if shunning me I noticed they were both very tall and said, “You shouldn’t worry. You are tall.”
As I woke the song, “Don’t Fear the Reaper” was going through my head. I fell into the in-between and got another message to go with it but can’t recall it now. It was something about getting ready to deal with change.
Then, I had a mini-dream where I let my dog outside and he wouldn’t go. I saw a big skunk (not expressing my true feelings even though I don’t agree with something) in the yard and it woke me.
Later, I told my husband about the song and how I had watched a FB video of it the night before. I shared it with him and explained how I it was going through my head when I woke and how I believe it was meant to warn me of coming change.
When we got to work the secretary had music on. Guess what song was playing? Yep. Weird!!!!!!!! Take a look at the lyrics, too.
Throughout the day I saw at least three skunk references, too. The basic message of the skunk is, “Do no harm”.
Blast from the Past
To continue the intensity of Tuesday (7th, Uranus retro), that morning I woke up with a song on my mind that had nothing to do with my dreams or anything. In fact, it was completely out of place. The words, “‘Cause I miss you…so I turned the radio on….” were repeating in my mind. Here’s the song:
When I got downstairs there was a FB messenger message from my high school best friend. I have not heard from her in years! Her message was:
“Listening to Counting Crows tonight and thinking of you. Hope you are well.”
When I saw the message I knew song I heard upon waking was about her missing me/thinking about me. “Cause I miss you….turn the radio on…” Ha! It would have been even more awesome had I heard a Counting Crows song when I woke. lol
It took me a couple of days to reply to her because it caught me so off guard. She wants to meet up for lunch in a couple of weeks. I have mixed feelings about it. We are so different now, our lives went in opposite directions. But we live literally 10 minutes from each other so there is no reason not to reconnect.
Intensity Hits
This is what I wrote in my private blog:
Woke up crying and feeling a familiar pain.
Dream 1
I only recall a brief part of this dream. I was outside my grandmother’s garden. It looked like it did when I was little, green and full of life. I heard a ruckus and saw some kids messing with a large cat (cougar). It jumped over the fence and came toward me, most of it’s tail skinned of flesh. I scolded the kids saying, “Why did you do that?” I felt sorry for the cat.
Dream 2
I was in a large, open room with a group of people I recognized. We were all enjoying our OOB freedom and many of them didn’t even realize they were OOB. I can’t recall the specifics of our discussion but the feeling I had was happy and care-free.
At one point the discussion shifted to being able to talk to Spirit, or those who were unreachable from where we were. I told the group I could contact and talk to Spirit. They didn’t believe me. One did, though, and said they had recently lost their mother and could I contact her. I took the opportunity to show the group I could. When I “called’ to Spirit I took my hand, palm facing down, and slammed it against the ground invoking Spirit. When my palm contacted the ground there was a lightening flash of white light. When the light faded a pile of clothes and bones was left on the ground. I said it indicated that Spirit had not transition and to wait for her.
Dream 3
I recall sitting in a living room with someone next to me, likely my guide. Projecting on the wall were all my memories. It reminded me of the old movie projectors the way the image shifted and jumped about. I recall seeing my BIL and being focused on him. The film was paused and I was asked why I preferred to focus on him rather than another image. I could not see the image I was avoiding. In my memory it is a just a big, black, moving blob almost like an ink blot. The feeling when I tried to focus on it was what I recall the most. It was very familiar and I had thought it resolved. But in touching up it, it was like a wound partially healed being poked and prodded again until it bled. The pain of it hit me full force and I began to cry. The feeling is so hard to describe. It is so agonizing that even as I type this I struggle not to burst into tears. I miss him (the person the blob represents) so much that it is beyond my ability to manage. I don’t know how to process it, at least not in this human body. The closest I can come to describing the feeling is how a child must feel when they are ripped out of their mother’s arms unexpectedly and not allowed to return. They can see their mother, they know she is alive and well, but they are not allowed to return to her.
As I cried I was asked to consider focusing more on this blacked out memory. In my attempt to do as I was advised, a rush of memory hit me. The only thing I recall of the memory was the insurmountable pain, resulting regret and the conclusion that I had made the wrong decision. I remember saying, “I shouldn’t have. My heart will never stop breaking now.”
My guidance continued to nudge me. I said, “I can’t. I don’t think I am capable of it in this form (body).” The emotion was overwhelming and woke me. I continued to cry, my heart breaking over and over again.
As I woke a song crept into my mind, slowly as if in the background, becoming louder and louder. It was the music to Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” and the chorus repeated, “Open your heart to me, I hold the lock and you hold the key.” Then, behind that, another song merged with it – “Just say you won’t let go…..”
As you can imagine this only made my crying worse. As I lingered in bed, trying to compose myself and breathe (stopped up nose), I realized that the Love that seemed to be the source of all the pain I was experiencing could not exist within this form(body) – this character I am playing in this life. The two are not compatible. I struggle because the Love I feel cannot exist in the presence of fear. Thus, the pain is the result of the incompatibility. Yet life is all about survival and with survival comes fear – fear of so many things related to survival. I saw no way of ever fully embodying the Love while in this body. The task seemed impossible.
The agony of this realization made my heart hurt even more. It was as if my chest were being stabbed thousands of times and never allowed to heal. Still the hardest part to endure was – IS – the heartsickness; I have never missed someone/something so much. Everyday that passes, everyday apart, I die a little more.
It was painfully obvious that I was being asked to “open my heart” again; that I had closed it off to protect myself but in doing so was preventing progress in the intended direction. I need to open up but when I try it is just too painful and I feel decimated all over again. I realize that if I don’t open up on my own that I will be forced to. I told my guidance I don’t want that but at this time I am not sure I can avoid it. Doing it on my own seems impossible.
What I don’t understand is why this is happening now. I have finally been feeling a connection to my husband again. I have finally accepted my life “as is”, devoid of the kind of Love I now know exists. I am appreciating what I have, who is in my life and the path I chose.
In the in-between I heard, “Panoramic Airways.” I took this to mean a bigger picture is available to be viewed.
Short OBE
Almost forgot! I got a mini-OBE this morning. Unexpected and with a message: “Wait for it.”
It was mostly hynagogic imagery of birthday cards. The first was a moving picture I can’t recall except that it was colorful and about a birthday. The second was childish drawings of elephants (like Dumbo). Throughout it I was talking to someone and I heard then reply, “Wait for it….” When nothing happened except more images, I realized I was was OOB but had not exited. So I looked beyond the images and a room scene materialized. I exited my body and out I went. My first thought was, “Wow, I am really stable!” My astral form was solid and my perceptions 100%. I was in my mom’s bedroom and so headed directly to the front door. When I reached it I got a message as I was sucked back into my body. It was a feeling more than words that said, “Nope.” lol
Lots of crying in my dreams again. Happy birthday to me. Sigh.
SO much more to relay but I don’t have time to go in depth about all that is going on. I posted on FB yesterday:
Once again it feels like I am standing in the middle of the eye of the hurricane while everyone else around me is pummeled with life crap. Sometimes it is harder to be the one watching the shit hit the fan than it is to be the one receiving the shit storm.
Yet that same morning I woke in a good mood and a song I use to sing at weddings with my mom and grandmother came to mind. This is the song:
The entire first verse popped into my head and I sang it to my husband acting all sappy adding hand motions and all like I was on stage (very unusual for me in the early morning). Afterward the song stayed with me so I posted it on FB with the photo below asking my mom if she remembered singing it. She did and later we chatted about it some. She told me the Psalm it came from was the one she recited every morning when she set her yoga intention and that she felt I was reminded of the song in order to giver her a message. She said, “You’re post was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!”
“This is the day that the Lord hath made and I will rejoice with you.”
Dream #1
This dream centered at first around fish and turtles. They were in two separate tanks, one large and one only about 5 gallons. I recall seeing baby turtles swimming around in one. I decided to feed them. When I did all these other fish came out. Most of them were small but there were some large ones. When I watched the tank seemed large but then I realized it was on a 5 gallon. I said, “It’s way too small for this many fish!”
Then I went to a school or hospital setting. Inside I was walking around going up and down hallways repeatedly. There was a cat/bunny (it morphed from one to the other) that was mine. I was told that my cat was male and not female and shown it’s strange penis. I only recall a diagram of it now. It looked like a triangle with a longer side that extended like an arm.
There was a lot in between but most is lost to me now.
Then I was going in and out of the small lab storage room. It had a wall of windows on one side and had lots of scientific materials and such inside. I was in and out of it and then finally sat down by one of the windows on a long couch. There were two men with me, one I was very close to. I thought of them as “teachers”. The one I felt close to came and sat next to me while talking. He snuggled up to me and I reached around and pulled him close. It felt wonderful. I knew we loved each other very much but I also remembered that we rarely felt able to express our love because I was married. He and I were coworkers, so both teachers. As I sat next to him I recognized how difficult it was to be in love with him but not be able to be with him. He got up casually and the other man sat down near me, taking his seat. I wanted to sit next to the man I felt connected to – in love with – but couldn’t because of the man who took his seat. My heart began to sink and I felt an intense heaviness within. My last thought was about how we couldn’t be together. I began to cry in heaving sobs.
The dream woke me up and I rubbed my eyes clear of the tears. The man in the dream was very handsome to me even though to others he would have appeared as a normal looking, dark haired man. I KNEW him in the dream and even when I woke I felt our connection. His smile and demeanor was so very familiar, like we were never apart a day yet the reality (which was difficult to bear) was that we were physically apart.
Dream #2
In this dream I was back with the dark haired man and another man was also with me. The other man was my husband in real life. We were traveling to a work site in a work truck. All three of us sat in the bucket seat, me in the middle. The road we were traveling was up in the Smokey mountains and became narrower as we drove. At one point my husband said he thought the directions must be wrong because the destination was not where it should have been. I looked out the window and saw the road was winding and on one side was a pile of red bricks (experience and/or heartbreak has hardened me) looked to have been dumped there.
As we drove the road kept narrowing and both men were discussing how it was really treacherous. I looked out the window and the trees were right there, so close I could touch them. I saw their white trunks in rows. They resembled bars as if I were in a jail cell.
We came to a sudden stop. There was a metal foot bridge so the truck could not pass over. My husband wanted to keep driving to see if the truck would make it. I screamed in fear and my husband snapped at me really loudly for being a “back seat driver” saying, “STOP DOING THAT!” I was embarrassed for having let a scream escape but I was scared he was going to attempt to drive over the bridge. He didn’t, though. He stopped.
After he yelled at me I jumped out of the truck, tears welling up in my eyes from hurt feelings and all kinds of other unrelated emotion. I ran down the road in the opposite direction, back up the mountain road. The dark haired man got out of the truck and ran after me. I was thinking as I ran about how he (the dark haired man) would never do that. I sent a mental thought to the dark haired man saying, “You would never treat me like that. You care about how I feel.” I could feel his concern for me as he ran behind me. All I wanted was to be with him and I was thinking, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”
I woke again in tears and rubbed them from my eyes but they kept seeping out despite my efforts. My heart was aching when I woke. I heard, “I am always with you.” It didn’t help the ache.
Dream #3
This was a short dream. I was with a group and we were all being lined up. It reminded me of PE class in middle school when we would like up for dodge ball. I was told to stand at the end of the line and face the opposite direction than the rest of the people in line. My husband was next to me. When I turned the coach (which sounded like my husband) told me to turn around and said something crude related to balls. I can’t remember what he said but when I followed instructions and turned around I became furious with him, so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Red-hot anger. I turned back to face him, this time to my left where my husband was standing, and said, “I WILL NOT be treated like this!” I could feel his humor in the dream and the anger I felt melted into grief and I began to cry, again sobbing so hard it woke me up. The feeling I had upon waking was how unfair everything was, how unjust to be belittled because I am a woman.
Dream #4
In this dream I was inside a large bathroom. The toilet kept squirting water out of the top, soaking the walls behind it. My husband was inside repairing a section of the wall and I told him about the water squirting out of the toilet. He inspected the wall on the opposite side of the room, the tile and the patch in the wall he had just completed. I told him to look behind the toilet. Instead he kept focusing on the patch in the wall. When I saw it I could see between the wood and noticed it was not a good patch job and would need to be torn out. I suggested we put a huge window, a stained glass window (spiritual healing and enlightenment/guidance), in its place. I got on the phone to order one and someone began to ask me questions that made no sense. I realized I had blanked out in the middle of the conversation and had no memory of what was said. The man on the phone seemed to indicate that I was not suppose to know the information I was asking for. I apologized and hung up. My husband was staring at me after and questioned me. I swore I had no idea why I had been on the phone, saying I was trying to order a stained glass window.
Then there was a hole in the wall where the patch had been. I could see outside to a pool full of kids. It started raining so they all started coming in through the hole. The kids were little, one a toddler girl. They carried towels with them and I helped them dry off.
Eventually there were kids everywhere and I felt overwhelmed and wanted to get out of the now cramped space. It was frantic feeling. Since I could get out I turned on a computer to do something on it and the kids began to ask to get on it. I remember relaying to them how they always wanted what I had, asking them, “Can you let me have something for once without trying to take it from me!?” They didn’t listen, though, and kept demanding what I had. They were all around the computers playing games and I watched continuing to feel overwhelmed.
When I woke from this dream I wasn’t crying but I felt suffocated by the dream experience. I realized it was very much how I feel in my day-to-day life as a mom and wife. Always giving up things for others. Give, give, give. I have to sneak down to the kitchen to grab a snack and hope my kids don’t hear me. If they do, they want whatever I am eating, nothing else will do. If I want to go for a walk alone I have to sneak out, otherwise I will have company whether I like it or not. It is a constant struggle to find time alone, to have something just for myself. Even my husband takes his share of my time, my effort, my body. What is left for me? Not much.
Music
A song was and still is going through my head. The lyrics I hear are – “Here’s to better days”.
This song is also coming to mind, though it has no lyrics. It is just a nice one to meditate to. Enjoy!
The purging continues. It feels like the moon has been full all month! Waving my white flag over here.
Yesterday I was led to read some older posts in this blog, some from last Fall, some from this month. It occurred to me that this particular purging cycle was pointed out to me in September last year. I mention “Capricorn” both in a lucid dream and toward the end of the post.
…..when I awoke I recalled seeing stars in the sky, as if being shown astrology and the time of the year when Capricorn rules. I also recall saying something in astrological terminology to the man. The term I used was “aspect” but I can’t make sense of what I said. All I recall is that I said some aspect would affect me and it is related to Capricorn.
Then there was the goat reference brought up recently which has been following me around since 2013. I had been looking at my Twitter analytics, checking out my top posts, and was focusing primarily on those posts. I found a recent OBE where I assumed a goat was running toward me but it was two dogs. These reference go all the way back to last summer. Love how my dreams reveal future events, I just wish I was able to recognize all the message at the time they are given. So frustrating! But then, even if I knew, would I be able to do anything about it? No.
So goats, Capricorn, hmmm maybe there is a connection? The experiences in the post I quoted above was intense. I appeared to be planning my own physical death. What is interesting is that yesterday, when I re-read it I had been thinking of all the recent physical issues I’ve been having and thought to myself, “Maybe this is it? Maybe I am dying?” It sure felt like it.
Dream: Blankets
I don’t remember many of my dreams but the last is vivid in my mind. The dream began with me being oriented to a new job. It was in an education setting but I was not a teacher. I seemed to be assisting with various tasks, things I didn’t want to do. The lady I was assisting gave tests to children. They were simple tests where the child looked at card and gave the name of what was on it. The cards had pictures of various vegetables on them, specifically zucchini squash. I saw the results of some of the students’ tests. One in particular had a very low score while another had a very high one.
My job was to prepare the cards. I walked toward an area of the office with a huge Rolodex full of cards inserted in plastic sleeves. Somehow the Rolodex hit a cabinet and the cards scattered all over the floor. I got upset and overwhelmed and so just left the mess for someone else to clean up. I didn’t get in trouble for doing this.
While working at my desk I saw my file along with some others in manila folders. I noticed that it had my previous job title written next to my name. It said, “Secretary”. I knew my current position was not secretary (need to ask for help) and that when I was rehired I had to take a lower position. It wasn’t a punishment just a condition of my employment.
Then I was as if a blank screen came down on the current scene and when it was lifted I was elsewhere. This time I was in a living area with family. It felt safe and comfortable. The lights were off except for the television screen which was about to play a movie. My ex-BIL was there visiting. I sat on the sofa bed but then had to move to avoid the blanket (security, love, protection, warmth) he was about to put on it. I mentioned the blanket and he said he always brought a blanket so that he would be more comfortable wherever he stayed. I remember feeling so much love for him. A beautiful feeling of safety, warmth and love spread over me as if I were snuggled in the blankets he had laid on the sofa. Memories of when he was in my life, married to my sister, and all the good times we had together came flooding into my mind. He was always so pleasant and accommodating. Never once complaining of my presence or making me feel unwanted in their house. He was/is a good man.
There were thoughts then about how I missed him and those times in my life. I began to grieve and tears poured out of my eyes. I remember feeling an abundance of feelings and having two different sets of thoughts. One grieved for the past another was grieving for the loss of my security blanket – the love, friendship, safety and Divine connection of Home.
Understanding
When I woke up I was still crying. The only reason I stopped crying was because my nose was so stuffed up I couldn’t breathe. There were two distinctly separate feelings of loss. As I consider the feelings, which are still very real to me, my mind is blown. It is so clear to me what I experienced/witnessed that I am not sure if I should be happy and relieved or freaked out.
While laying there considering my dream experience and the grief I felt, my guidance was nearby. I shifted in and out of the in-between as we talked. Much of our conversation is lost to me now which saddens me because I had some really cool messages/realizations during that time. One I only half remember. In it I was placing a stamp on a letter to mail and said aloud, “This is my last stamp”. Then I recognized what the stamp represented and told my guide. I was like a child in class who just understood the lesson and proudly states their understanding to their teacher. I said, “I created that visual and the stamp represents _________! I did it!” My guide said back, “Yes you did. Very well done.” lol
I remember asking my guidance for help. The tears, the intense dreamtime work and my life feeling so very wrong lately is starting to get to me. Everything feels so absolutely wrong!
The number 54 was another vision I received. You can read what it means. I don’t have the energy to write it out right now.
Recovery Needed
The physical symptoms are beginning to take their toll. I weighed 128lbs when the sickness began and this morning weighed 124lbs . I look like a skinny, sickly, bony anorexic! The intestinal issues are better but still there. It is like my body can’t tolerate anything I eat, no matter how healthy or wholesome. I don’t know what to do except stop eating most every food I have been eating. But I have to eat something!
This morning I thought, “There needs to be a place where people like me can go to recover. Like maybe an ascension recovery center or a Kundalini recovery center….. Just a spiritual recovery center.” In my mind I was thinking of what it would be like – a place where someone could go to heal and process for as long as it took. There would be no expectations, no specific schedules, just a quiet, safe place with provided meals, individual rooms and tons of nature and space. Like a retreat but specifically focused on those struggling with what I am…whatever that is. There would be support given, but what kind I am unsure.
I asked my guidance for insight, whatever they could give. My guidance said, “Acceleration” which I understood as, “Your path is accelerating.” I was like, “Huh? WTF! Why!?” The response was that I had agreed to it. Ugh! I would do that, wouldn’t I!
I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was 5am and I was wide awake. This is day…IDK but it’s been going on a while. I hate morning “briefings”. I want to sleep!
As I lay there I began to think about the spiritual recovery center I feel I need right now. Long ago, during my first awakening, I had a business concept, a plan, that never came to fruition. The name of the business was, “Azna Spiritual Salon”. The concept was a place where all spiritual services were accessible, like a beauty salon but catering to spiritual needs. “Azna” means “Balance” but I can’t remember in what language now. I will have to go look through my journals from that time period.
This morning I was thinking, “I could create a spiritual recovery center focused on what I am going through right now. There will be more going through this and they will need a place to go to recover. Somewhere safe and quiet.” But my thoughts went to, “What am I going through exactly? And how the hell can I help others if I can’t help myself? I don’t have any idea what to do to fix myself! Until I do, I can’t help anyone else.”
I received information recently (when I can’t recall) that soon, in the near future, there would be a big wave of people going through what I am. They will need help. It feels like part of my job is to determine what that help looks like. To create a program for recovery. Hahaha It seems so absurd to me because if I knew how to help I would be helping myself right now.
What I do know is that I need to find a place to recover. Whatever is happening to me requires this. So if you know anyone who is willing to take me in for a month or so, someone who lives in the country or near lots of natural beauty, I would love to find a place I can retreat to and get myself sorted out. I know I need to just be for a while, and not just a day or two. I need a long while. So wherever I go, whomever helps me, needs to understand that I won’t be able to help out other than to to pay for my food and lodging. The energy must be high and the people high energy as well – empathic like me and understanding.
I laugh aloud to think any place like this even exists. I am not a rich person, in fact I have little money of my own, so not sure how I will repay someone for their hospitality. I will just leave it to the Universe to sort out I guess.
This song was repeating through my mind again, specifically, “Don’t know what I’m gonna do about this feeling inside. Yes it’s true – loneliness took me for a ride….”
Had another episode of intestinal upset yesterday which put me out of commission for half of the day. I must have pushed myself too hard thinking I was “all better”. Despite early morning signs of recurrence I opted to take a run. This was a bad idea. I pushed myself to run a little over 2 miles and paid for it. My heart rate took a while to recover and I felt nauseous for the first few minutes after stopping. I convinced myself that I was okay to run “slow” (10 minute mile) but obviously my body was not ready yet.
So the rest of the day was spent lounging about and reading through old blog posts from another blog I have. The day was nice so I even threw a blanket out on the grass and soaked up some sun with Monty for a half hour or so. Spring-like weather again here in Texas so I am taking advantage of it.
I continue to follow the Full GAPS diet to the best of my ability. Yesterday I popped a grass fed beef chuck roast in the crock pot along with lots of veggies to include potatoes. Potatoes and sweet potatoes are not allowed on the diet but I can’t quench my carb cravings without them. For dessert we had a GAPS friendly chocolate cake topped with almond butter icing. The kids weren’t impressed (not sweet enough) but it tasted awesome IMO. I’ve been making a new recipe pretty much every day partly because I like to cook and partly because every meal I prepare leaves no leftovers. lol If you want to see what I’ve been up to you can find me on Instagram.
I’m especially proud of the yogurt I’ve been making. I bought a yogurt maker and have thus far made two batches with success. Today I’m straining the most recent batch to make Greek yogurt – my favorite. I will be experimenting soon to try and get a batch of sour cream made. We go through tons of sour cream in my house.
For my first breakfast I have homemade yogurt with berries and a glass of fresh squeezed apple-carrot-beet juice. It seems to make my tummy happy. I then have another breakfast a couple of hours later with more substance. I haven’t given up my coffee but I suspect that it is the reason my stomach has convulsions (lol) in the morning. You’re probably asking, “Why the hell are you still drinking coffee!??” Ugh, because I LIKE it. I’m also still holding out hope that my issues are caused by a virus. I’ve had one like this before and it lasted 10 days, which is not uncommon. Today is day 8.
My cold is pretty much gone except for a stuffy nose upon waking. Glad to be rid of it but seasonal allergies are bad right now here in Texas due to a sky-high cedar count. We call is “cedar fever” and it really seems like a full-blown cold minus the fever and body aches.
I’ve decided to stop taking BC and see if it helps with the heart palpitations. So far I’ve already noticed a HUGE improvement. For example, just last week I was experiencing several an hour. Now I can’t remember the last time I felt one. Maybe one time yesterday? Not sure.
Dream: Labels
Long, intricate dream with message/counsel from my guides at the end. More “dream lessons” or “class” for me. Yay?
The dream began inside a very dark lit room. I was with a group and we were reviewing a band and discussing songs and eras to our liking. This band was an old one but I can’t remember which band so I will say it was Chicago since, well, it’s old (to me anyway). I remember looking at decades and stopping with the 1980’s since that is when I remember the band first entering my universe. Of course, it was around well before that. Just a little factoid about me – Chicago was the first ever concert I ever attended. Ha! I got a t-shirt and wore the hell out of it and thought I was super cool to have gone to see them in concert. lol Makes me ROFL now because I was such a dork.
Anyway, the group of people I was with were old compared to me and it was very obvious in the dream. One man in particular kept catching my eye, not because I was attracted to him in a sexual way, though. I was just overly interested in him and thought he wasn’t bad looking for an old guy. lol
At one point everyone in the group was working on Lego (pun to “let go”) puzzles, building various craft. I had an incomplete set, or so it seemed, and gave up quickly saying, “I don’t like Legos.” lol
Then we were all sliding down a slide (loss of control). I remember turning around as I slide down and laughing as I smiled at the old man who had caught my interest. I turned back around as I got to the bottom and then jumped up onto my feet in a successful landing. The old man landed roughly, flying right into the wall. lol I remember asking if he was okay and he nodded. This part of the dream was quite fun for me and also funny because of the man’s fall.
Next I was laying in my bed facing the wall. Next to me was the old man and it felt like the rest of the group was also in bed with us. I could hear the man’s thoughts and feel what he felt. He had quite a bit of interest in me. I slid as far away from him as I could. Though I was attracted to him I did not want anything to do with a man his age. He began to gently touch me, nothing sexual but loving. I remember freezing at his touch and panicking a bit especially when he touched my upper thigh and I realized I must be naked. The entire we were telepathically talking to one another but I only recall feeling uncomfortable with the situation because of his age.
Eventually he wrapped his arms around me. I gave in and melted into his arms. It felt so wonderful and safe that I couldn’t help myself. The me that was worried about his age didn’t care in that moment. In my memory he looked to be in his 60’s.
Then I was with the old man in a room. The room was reminiscent of another time, maybe the 1800’s, but I’m not sure. It was like I was instantly transported to this time/place and with this shift I became a different person. Past life memory maybe? IDK.
I sat quietly in the corner of the room while the man met with other men. It seemed to be a legal affair and the men all felt like lawyers. I think they were drawing up a contract.
I was dressed in a gown fitting of the period I felt to be in. I could see the window sill and there was a man outside cleaning the window. I commented on this saying, “What is he doing so high up?” The old man chuckled and said, “We aren’t high up. This is the first floor. Remember?” I took a breath and remembered. No, that was my old room, not this place. He said something to me then like, “You must have really kept to yourself.” I nodded and said, “Yes, I didn’t get out much.”
As I sat there another woman came up to me. She was wearing a fancy, vivid blue gown with lace around the bodice. She was absolutely stunning. Her hair was brown with ringlets coming down around her temples, just a few though. She smiled and got close, whispering in my ear, “You make a good couple.” Her words indicated that she thought the man and I were married and that she completely agreed with it. I looked at her shocked and said, “Oh no! He’s old enough to be my father.” Her smiled disappeared and she said something like, “Well, it’s okay if you are. At your age anyway.” I remembered I was an “old maid” and that I should be grateful that any man wanted me. The feeling was strange to me, though, and I knew I was dreaming because in my current life I was never an “old maid”.
Conversation and Message
I entered the in-between a bit shocked at what I had just dreamed/experienced. I was filled with the most uncomfortable feeling, one I have felt before but much stronger than this. The “split” feeling. Ugh. I also had the familiar warmth spreading from heart – the beginnings of the heart bliss.
A male guide was to my left and he asked me, “Do you like labels?” When I heard his question I knew why he was asking me the question. The dream was all about the label of “old” and my considerations of old age. It did not take long for me to answer, “Yes. They help make sense of things.” I saw a visual as I said this of categorizing things in life by giving them names and labels, putting everything into a white box with a nice, clear label on it and placing it in its correct place. He asked me, “Why do you like them?” I said, “They organize things. They make sense and make life safe.”
I thought about it and thought, “Labels are good.”
There was a pause and then he said something I can’t recall but it was with irritation like, “Cut the bull shit.” lolol Then he said, “Labels don’t suit you.”
We had a long discussion then about how putting labels on life and trying to organize everything in life is an attempt to control life, to make life safe and expected. This is why it didn’t suit me. It as suffocating me with sameness, with the illusion of “safety”. He helped me remember that coming here was meant to be exciting, fun – an adventure – not a repetitive, miserable, boring, experience focused on avoidance of everything unexpected or “unsafe”. He said something like, “Why not take a risk?”
There was also discussion about what I thought “old” meant. What did I equate with the word “old”. I listed off what came to mind – Decrepit. Unable. Wrinkly. Boring. Life is over. Waiting to die. He asked me, “Do you think you are old?” My answer came immediately – “Yes”. Then I stopped short in surprise and said, “No. No. I’m not old!” In my mind I saw the man in the dream and said, “He’s old. I’m still young.”
Then I was asked to think about when someone was old in comparison to myself. When they are 50? 60? 70? I thought about it. Hmmmm. So I thought about it in the context of a romantic relationship. Would I be involved with someone who could be my father? Like that old man in the dream who had to have been in his 60s? My immediately answer was “Yes because it doesn’t matter how old in years he is if I love him.” And this I knew was true and had been in my life thus far. I have dated men much older than myself without any issues with their age or their looks. One was 15 years older than me and age was never a consideration. Yet he was in his 40s at the time and so really didn’t look “old” because he wasn’t yet, not in terms of physical appearance anyway. How would I react if the man I loved appeared old in comparison to me? Could I see past the wrinkles and sagging skin and other flaws that comes with age?
Each time I considered it I was pulled back to the feeling, the beautiful connection and love. Ultimately I decided that appearance would be the last thing on my mind if I loved him like that.
The conversation shifted then because I touched on the feeling of loneliness I carry around with me. My guide asked me to focus on it and on how I ultimately responded to the man in the dream, giving into his embrace and melting into it. I completely surrendered myself to him. It felt right. It felt like that was how I was suppose to feel in a man’s arms. I’ve lived my whole life never feeling like that in a man’s arms. I’ve always kept my guard up, never felt completely safe.
My guide said, “You’re lonely.” I said, “Yeah, yeah.” lol This we already know now let’s move on. I’m tired and want to sleep.
Unexpected OBE
I shifted deeper into the in-between, floating right on the edge of sleep. I was asked to take a good look at myself. When asked this I was standing in front of a mirror and saw my face clearly. Then something caught my eye and a fluffy squirrel (message to have more fun, take life less seriously) was crawling around to my left. I turned, noting the squirrel as a message, and looked at myself again. I saw every detail but what I noticed mostly was a mature beauty I hadn’t seen before. I also noticed that my eyes were deep and penetrating…..and full of loneliness. It was like my eyes were forever searching. This must be why I have been told by others that my eyes drew them in, why I have been told that my eyes are “wise” and “older than my years”.
Then a small, sphere of light flew into my view. It was made of all colors, but mostly I recall a vivid blue and a flash of white. It was alive with energy and about two inches in diameter. When I looked into it I could see pictures. It drew me into it and before I knew it it was taking me with it, flying and zipping along through old city streets filled with ancient buildings.
Eventually the sphere took me to the end of my mother’s driveway. It grew larger and opened up. Then I was floating there looking at the insides of it. It was like looking into an open skull. The inside was tan colored and dry and when I peered into it a memory of this lifetime sprung into being.
The memory occurred in the very spot I was visiting – the end of my mother’s driveway. I had been followed home by a classmate. I was getting the mail when he rolled down his window and asked me if I wanted to go dancing with him. I didn’t think and blurted out that I wouldn’t, I would never go “hick dancing”. I laughed uncomfortably and he said, “Oh, okay”. He drove off and I repeatedly criticized myself for saying such a stupid and mean thing to a guy I actually liked. In fact, I liked him a lot. So much that for years I would watch him get on the bus and fantasize that he would ask me out. Then when he did ask me out I was too proud to go dancing with him just because it was country dancing. WTF was wrong with me!?
Then my memory shifted to meeting him after graduation. We attended the same college and by chance bumped into each other – twice. The first time he was with a blonde girl and very happy. The second time he was sad because his girlfriend had just broken his heart. I was nice to him, listened and told him it was good to see him and that I wished him well. At the time I had already met my soon-to-be husband (now ex). The thing is, that husband was 100% country hick. I mean country dancing, country music, boots – the works.
My memory shifted to another meeting with this guy. We were at a street dance in the town where we graduated. I had taken my fiance and we were dancing in the street. Afterward the guy walked up to me and we talked, catching up again. He was still single and had bought property in the country with horses, etc. He asked me about my fiance and I told him we were to be married. I could see the disappointment on his face. Deep inside I was disappointed, too.
The memories were instant and so were the realizations. How did labeling effect my life path? What would my life have been like had I not labeled that guy a “country hick”? Did the label perhaps get in the way of a potentially good relationship? My conclusion was that it had. I had liked this guy since freshman year. My senior year he finally asks me out and I slam him. Hard. And the thing is I lied to him when I said that. The reality was I was terrified to go out with him because of what people would say. I had a reputation to live up to and I was all “grunge”, not “hick”. The me now yells at the me then and says, “Who the f*&^ cares!!??”
Every single time I saw him after that awful put down his eyes told me everything. I am sure my eyes told him everything, too. I could see into his soul it seemed and it told me he was a good man, loyal, loving, big heart, etc. And he never held what I did to him against me. He was always seeking from me some hint, anything, that invited him in. I sensed it every time and I never gave him that invitation. Never.
All because of “labels”.
I’m such an idiot.
Lesson learned. Again. The light took me to a hotel room. There were computer desks lined up against my bed. I looked around at the people sitting at the computers. There was a young boy being disruptive. I offered my help to the old lady that was there. When she looked at me I suddenly remembered the sphere of light. I thought, “Wait a minute. This is a dream. I can go OOB.”
I immediately stood up and out of my body. When I did this my face was covered with something. I ripped it off and saw the entire hotel room. My bed was at my feet. The covers were all messy and formed a pyramid in the center of the bed. There was another bed next to mine unoccupied.
The room was dark but I could see everything, so it was just low light. My vision was clear and I didn’t hesitate to head toward the door despite the window being right next to me. As I passed the bathroom I realized I had something tight around my mid-section, just below my breasts. I tugged at it and it fell to the floor. I was very aware of being completely naked as I reached for the door knob.
This is when my breathing became very obvious. My nose was clogged and it felt like I was struggling to get enough air. I paused thinking, “I can’t have a good OBE if my body is struggling to breathe.”
With this thought the scene seemed to dematerialize right in front of me. Then I was in my body and my nose was so clogged I had to change positions to breathe.
Music Messages
Two songs came to me after I woke.
All I can say about this song is, “Damn.” lol I never knew the lyrics before and reading them was like reading a message written just for me. Wow.
This song was playing in my mind in the background but only the chorus.
It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Still fighting illness, so taking it easy for the most part…well as easy as a mother of three can take it anyway. There has been another shift in energy and this one, being I am sick, is kicking my butt.
First off, the night before last was a rough one. It began the minute I tried to go to sleep. My mind was a mess, but only when I closed my eyes. It was like a hurricane in there. Literally. And with this hurricane of thought came the most crazy anxious feeling. It was all-over my body but my chest area was the source. The main thought was, “I don’t want to go (to the CPR class).” However, I knew this was not the reason for the feeling. I pleaded with my guidance for help. I recall hearing them say it was caused by fear but not fear of the class, fear of what it represented – a step forward into the unknown.
I was able to fall asleep by laying on my stomach. For some reason when I have anxiety from my heart chakra, laying on my stomach helps. Unfortunately, I woke up twice sobbing. The dreams were different but it is hard to put my finger on how. They left me with a strange feeling that followed me throughout the day. I did not have time to process them, though, because I had to leave early for my class.
When I was preparing to go to my class I experienced horrible IBS symptoms – cramping that felt like labor pains that would come and go in waves. The diarrhea was back in full force and I worried it would force me to stay home. Thankfully, it subsided the minute I drove out of the driveway.
When I got to the class I had the wide-open feeling that seems to be my new norm. Thankfully, I was able to stave off any anxiety or panic, but I was well aware of the energy of everyone in the room. Most were tired and half awake, which helped.
When at the hospital where the class was held I saw this sign.
If you look closely at the bottom you will see the word Ascension. It kept popping out at me so I took a picture of this sign not only to document it but because the event looks interesting.
By the time class ended I was feeling fairly good but when I got home I had to take a nap. It was like all my energy had been sucked out of me from being out and about most of the day. Plus, I still had a strange, lingering confusion from the night’s dreams.
That evening my husband was in a strange mood. He was very confrontational and moody. I am becoming unaffected by these mood swings, though. As a Gemini, this is not really anything abnormal, but for him it is. I believe an unbalanced Gemini is more prone to the mood swings and unbalanced is a good descriptor of our relationship right now.
I had no trouble falling asleep last night but again woke up twice sobbing. The episodes are similar to the ones I had in 2017. I think I will call it a purge surge. lol I am able to laugh about it now, but in the moment it really sucks.
Dreams
Rather than go into each dream in detail, I will just summarize a few to give you an idea of what triggers the “purge surge”.
One dream took place in a bathroom. The entire room was covered in tiny lights that went up and down the walls. The lights were going out in certain places, though. I recall taking a shower and when I got out there was a piece of skin stuck to me. Turns out it was scrotum skin and it really grossed me out. lol Then I was resisting something, though I can’t remember what. I refused to leave the bathroom and family kept coming in to try and persuade me to leave. For some reason it felt like the bathroom was in my early childhood home. My SIL came in and said to me that she understood my decision. She was very sympathetic to the point of disgusting me. She said something about how we all have bad times but everyone comes out of them. I explained that I am not like normal people. I am either, “Bad, Badder or Baddest.” This brought me to tears in the dream and it woke me up. I felt completely dark and beyond saving.
In another dream I was in Montana at a drop-off point. I watched people parachute down and land. Then I packed my things and prepared to board a plane to an unknown destination. I was telling the woman I was with that I had visited Kalispell, MT and wished I had taken photographs of the mountains. I could see them in my mind as I told her this. Then I said, “I miss the mountains.” My heart exploded in grief when I said this and I began to plead with her to stay. I said, “I don’t want to go back.” I woke up crying and filled with confusion over the dream.
In yet another bathroom dream I watched women line up to use the bathroom. None of the stalls had doors and everyone in line could see those using the toilet. I became upset at one point because of the situation and confronted a woman who was not waiting her turn like she should. I told her I did not like everyone seeing my business. I touched her on the shoulder as I said this and began to cry. She said to me, as if answering a question, “You are feeling my pain, not your own.” This caused me to wake. I cried long and hard after this one because it felt like the pain of every woman in the world was flowing through me.
There was another incident, but I can’t recall the specifics of it now. It was similar in that I had no idea why I was crying, just that I was overcome with emotion. It can be a scary and confusing experience to feel unable to control the tears and emotion, especially since the emotion seems to have no identifiable source.
Considerations
This morning the IBS-like symptoms continue. This is day 5 I think and the mornings are the worst. My insides feel like they are going to explode and I can easily see the similarity to the emotional outflows I have been experiencing. After over a year of these kinds of emotional purge surges I think my body has had it.
Lately I have been considering doing some pretty out of character things. I don’t do them because there is still fear accompanying these thoughts. I cannot take action when there is fear. However, there is significantly less fear now and the fear lessens every day.
I believe my current environment is the source of my bodily and emotional issues. If I don’t correct the imbalance these issues will continue.
For now, I will continue to focus on my diet as best I can. I bought a yogurt maker and will be making my first batch of home-made yogurt today. This is a pic of the yogurt maker I bought a couple of days ago:
I am continuing to implement the Full GAPS diet to the best of my ability. Yesterday I wasn’t able to follow it fully because of the CPR class but the only misstep was having a roll, so not too bad. Tonight we will be having Cornish game hens roasted in the crock pot all day. 🙂
Unfortunately, the GAPS diet does not seem to be fixing the morning IBS issues. It could be too soon to tell, though. I will give it another five days and then reanalyze.
I take my NASM certification exam on February 3. Once certified I will have another career option if I so choose to use it. Considering how I seem so wide open right now, I am not sure how I will handle going back to work and being around different people’s energies.
I will leave you with the song that was on my mind when I woke up this morning.
Living Life in Between 