Note: This post starts out a bit on the negative side but I promise it gets lighter in the end.
It’s been an interesting last few days. I do not believe any of it is due to “cosmic forces”, “12-12 gateways”, astrological events or the such. Yet that is what I keep seeing on my FB, which btw I have been avoiding more and more for the lack of anything of substance. Fake news, conspiracy theories (to the extreme), and personal attacks/agendas on this topic/agency or that (politics, net neutrality and anti-vaccination are big ones lately) – all of it gives me a sour taste in my mouth.
It seems like all people want to do is have an effect in any way they can. Humans are desperate and it is apparent all over the net. Every post screams, “Look at me! Look at me!”
In stark contrast here I am hiding and wanting the opposite. Don’t look at me. I’m ugly and feel uglier inside. I don’t want to hear what you have to say and I really don’t have anything to say to you.
That’s how I feel this morning anyway. Listening to people hurts right now. Please don’t whine to me about your problems, your upsets about the world, your sad family problems, your hurt, pain or whatever. Oh and I don’t care if you turn your back on me because I feel this way. I don’t need you or your sympathy, pity, or whatever anyway. Attached to it is this or that expectation and I prefer to have none of that. I scratch your back you scratch mine, right? I’ll scratch my own back, thank you.
Perhaps it is the holiday season but right now the projections coming from people are in stark contrast to the real person underneath, probably more now than ever. I can’t bear to hear the pleasantries, get another half-assed, pretend hug, or witness anymore pretense. I will literally throw up on the next person who tries to fake me out. And every adult does it….unless they are old/senile or considered mentally ill. Family isn’t so bad, thankfully. And children, they are golden. Thank God for my babies is all I can say right now.
I also woke up feeling absolutely and utterly alone. Again. The empty feeling was ten times as strong as it normally is. The people in my dreams all wanted something from me. There was no giving of love without expectation. They assumed so much automatically and it felt like a huge, invisible wall was between myself and everyone I met.
When I woke I was in grief and missing the feeling/experience/ISness of my true Divine nature – that feeling of love/friendship, of complete connection. Oh I never have the right words to describe it but there are those reading this who know what I am talking about. The total LACK of it in this world hit me like a ton of bricks and I could not bear to exist in this void any longer. It was completely clear to me why I feel so alone, so disconnected, so empty in this life. It’s because I AM disconnected here.
I was/am at a loss and it doesn’t help that I am acutely aware of what I mentioned earlier in this post. Right now most everyone and everything reminds me of what I am NOT.
Similarly, my physical issues continue to plague. My body is on strike I think. The antibiotics I’ve been on stopped working or something and now I am on a different regimen because my skin is not healing as it should. Everything starts to seem to improve only to regress back to no progress. I’ve had scabs in some places for over three weeks! WTF!?
The BC seems to be backfiring, too. I am hungry all.the.time, have gained weight and have painful breasts. I am tired, too, tired like I was when I was pregnant. I get so hungry sometimes that I feel sick to my stomach and certain foods do not agree with me. For example, carbonated anything will make me get icky stomach and I suddenly cannot stomach whey protein which I have been taking for years now without issue! So far the BC does not seem to have any affect on my skin which is the whole point of taking it.
It’s not worth it. All of this mess so that my face is clear and then no one really “sees” me anyway! How lame. Looks like my own projections are biting me in the ass right now. Ha! Yeah the jokes on me as usual.
Dreams and Kundalini
Oh and then there are the dreams…..geez where do I start? The most memorable was a Kundalini dream a few days ago. Wow, it was a doozy. Not that the Kundalini was raging like it has. No, it was very subtle compared to other K-risings I’ve had. However, this one made a very obvious point I could not ignore. In the dream I was in a classroom and my teacher/lover/friend was with me. The whole dream consisted of my “other half” trying to persuade me to be with him and me being wholly and completely repulsed by him. I was adamantly against him to the point of nastiness. However, at the exact same time I was extremely attracted to him in a very powerful way and I acknowledged it. The main feeling throughout the dream and upon waking was the simultaneous powerful attraction and repulsion. It was fascinating to me that I could feel both things at the same time! The message I brought back with me was that I had grown so use to rejecting life that I had gotten to the point of rejecting everything and everyone which in turn left me with little to no enjoyment/happiness. It was quite an eye-opener.
Then there was the dream of sweeping a floor covered in cockroach (undesired aspects of Self/life) body pieces. Ick! Afterward I scrubbed the floor with a white cleanser that left a residue that repelled cockroaches. Weird.
And this morning in a dream I visited my partner’s apartment (emotional state) only to find that he was gone and likely not coming back anytime soon (abandoning emotion). The fridge (emotionally cold) had been left open and unplugged and there were other clues that he had gone away for a long while. Thing is, he left his cat (sexuality, femininity) with no one to look after it and it was emaciated and near death. I remember saying he likely went to South America (trying to conquer life’s obstacles) and fully intended to wait for him to return. While I waited the entire apartment complex came to keep me company and I was surrounded by strangers the rest of the dream, all of them working to help me settling in and become a part of their little community. I remember seeing faces that reminded me of the cast of “Friends”.
Conclusion
I’m sorry if the first half of this post rubbed you the wrong way. If you got this far, kudos to you. It is obvious to me now that I have made it this far in this post that I am doing some major inner work which is manifesting in both physical and emotional ways. If you were to be physically present with me you would find my Sagittarius bluntness rampant and maybe a bit refreshing. Or you may want to run the other way. In all honesty I would think you a coward if you ran away but would not hold it against you. If you fought back, though, and gave me a piece of your mind, I would totally respect you and we would likely end up laughing over egg nog spiked with rum. 😉
Sometimes a good fight is all a person needs. lol I need some boxing gloves right now I think.
I feel ten times lighter, though, and my thoughts are tending toward the silly at the moment. For example (for a laugh), the new antibiotics I am on – ampicillin – have a very odd possible side-effect I want to share. Apparently you should call your doctor if you get a “black, hairy tongue.” LOL OMG it still makes me laugh and I thought it so funny when I initially read it that I called my husband and interrupted him at work just to tell him. HA! So far, no hair on my tongue but I will keep you posted.
Finally, through all the up’s and down’s of the last five days or so, I have taken time to appreciate the finer things in life (like funny side-effects). Here is a picture of the sunrise the other morning. May it bring you joy like it did me.
Living Life in Between 
I’m also a Sagittarius and am totally repulsed by all of the fakey fake going on these days. My super fake neighbor is finally moving away and I cringe every time I see him outside. If I have to have one more friendly conversation with that guy – ugh. Just move the eff out already.
I’m thinking this is just my baggage/paranoia but it seems that people really don’t care about one another – they just want to give you the once over and decide that they are better than you. The waspy people in the TV show Mad Men come to mind.
I have struggled with acne since I was a teenager – so I know the frustration. I could suggest things but that would probably annoy you and be unhelpful because your reason for getting acne is most likely totally different than mine. I would say have a very merry Christmas but that would probably just make you gag. :-p
So much for spreading good cheer.
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Well, technically I’m a Leo with a Sagittarius Moon but I identify quite a bit with my Sagittarius side, especially right now. 😉
Sorry about your neighbor. Ugh. That has to feel icky. I nearly threw up the other day around some of the people my husband associates with. I got so many “off” feeling hugs, in one case the woman barely touched me when she hugged me. WTF? If you don’t want to hug me, don’t! lol Of course I hugged her (kinda) so I’m as much to blame but I didn’t want to embarrass my husband. Sigh. I find it hard to hide the way I feel, though, so I likely embarrassed him anyway.
You can say Merry Christmas – no gagging because for me Christmas and it’s true meaning (family, love, togetherness) is not lost. I wish you the same. 🙂 As for the acne mess I would be happy to hear your suggestions. Mine comes and goes and who the hell knows the reason for it. Maybe all my negativity is coming out my pores? Likely. In the meantime I reek of ampicillin (it’s for sure coming out my pores right now) and continue to look haggard, zitty-faced and bloated while feeling pregnant. Really, it’s quite funny.
Cheers!
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Well, my acne was largely due to a dairy intolerance that it took me a long time to realize that I had. But if you have been eating dairy all along, I don’t know. Sometimes you develop an intolerance later in life?
There is a topical product called Evologie that actually worked well for me. It actually improves skin quality rather than irritating the heck out of it, like most products do. It’s a bit pricey though and not super easy to find for some reason. The Evologie Kit on Ebay is the best deal I could find. Just some ideas, feel free to ignore of course. Merry Christmas. 😉
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I do have a minor allergy to milk but it normally just gives me some slight congestion and only after eating a lot (like a milkshake). I haven’t ruled it out as as contributor, either. I may have to go back on an elimination diet to find out if food is causing it because I suspect sugar and processed food spurred this breakout. It happened around the holidays which bring lots of pie/sweets/breads. I’ve been awful about my diet lately, too.
I will check out the Evologie Kit. Thanks for sharing what works for you. With the weather colder I am struggling with dry skin right now which is NOT helping things.
The positive side is I don’t work. The only people who see me are family. I think my husband would think me beautiful even if I looked like the elephant man. hehe
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The Evologie is better for surface stuff and not systemic problems I think. It does seem to help the scars fade and heal though.
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What a stunning sunrise! :O
I am completely with you about Fakebook. I just can’t take any more of the fakery. I was recently reading posts by a woman who through no fault of her own is homeless and has no money. (I am pretty poor too, but she literally has no income). Basically her family are Jehovah’s witnesses who disowned her, and she was ill, but refused the hospital’s invasive and toxic treatment, meaning that as she’s ‘not medically verified’, she can’t get disability.
I was sickened and enraged at all her dozens of facebook “friends” all ooh-ing and aw-ing, and ‘sending prayers’ and hugs, but not one of them has done anything to bloody HELP her!
Just tired of it all, and have witnessed in other areas so much fakery and selfishness lately that I’m starting to feel the human race isn’t worth very much, and I just dislike this planet.
So I totally understand you!
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Thank you. ❤
It's not just FB but all social media and even in-person. It's rampant. "I'm starting to feel the human race isn't worth very much" – exactly my sentiments. This morning, in fact, I was thinking I might experience more love & real interaction if I moved my family to Africa and lived with a tiny, remote tribe somewhere far off the grid surrounded by nature. How humans are even surviving with our total lack of genuine communication/connection is beyond me. We are so disconnected, so very lost to ourselves. I am feeling the disconnect very strong and it is only because I have had the experience of feeling TOTAL connection/love that I can SEE just how messed up this place (Earth/humanity) is.
I am at a loss. Why was I shown what I was shown if I can't do anything with it? If anything it seems to have made life that much more unbearable.
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EXACTLY.
You’ve put it better than I can.
I just feel a kind of incredulous dismay, and wonder what on earth I’m doing at the moment on what feels like Planet Noodlebrain. Analysing this, I think what it is, is as you say, the lack of real love and connectedness on this earth is hard enough to deal with at the best of times. And when people *pretend* to be loving and caring and ‘full of love and light!’, it’s just too much.
Africa? – the last few days have made me feel like Walt Whitman:
‘Sometimes I think I could turn and live with animals,
they are so placid and self-contained;
I stand and look at them long and long.
They do not sweat and whine about their condition;
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins;
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God;
Not one is dissatisfied—not one is demented with the mania of owning things….’
In fact was wishing the other day that I could run away to Thailand and live among real people, like these. 🙂
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Oh I love the video on the link! Thank you! And the quote by Rudolf Steiner is awesome: Freedom is the sense of being capable of action motivated solely by love. 🙂
When I was a child I use to be in awe of every living things. I loved all animals and the nature channel was my #1 favorite (PBS) even over cartoons. The world is so beautiful and wonderful. It saddens me how humans disregard so much of it.
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Love you
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You can always count on kids to be real. I love that about them!
I often use a blend of lavender oil and tea tree oil on annoying skin issues. It works ok on general acne, but you mentioned scabs. may help. Sugar and chocolate is typically what causes my out breaks. And stress of course.
Interesting dream with the strangers from the apartment complex gathering around you to help you feel more at home
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My kids are such a blessing but they are also a source of stress and I believe stress is a big contributor to my acne. I have used tea tree and lavender but they do nothing really for my current issues.
I wish my dreams were more lucid these days but I am too darned tired right now I guess.
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I think that sags are giving those smiley passive aggressive types the finger at this stage of the Merc retch and no we aren’t huggy right now.
I came home after a gobsmacking tactless remark from someone put me in a mood yesterday to find a large tree snake slithering along the wall trying to hide behind a picture in the corner. Just fab! I thought. Another merc retch stuff up. The snake luckily not poisonous knew I wasn’t in a good mood and I got it out.
Today I was happy to be presented with a young kookaburra pair to help feed by proud parents which made me happier.
Bring on 2018! Merry Christmas or whatever everyone! Just remember Merc retch and be nice!
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Trying to be nice but really hard with fake people which seem to be everywhere. It is refreshing to encounter the genuine ones, though.
Cool snake encounter! Reminder that the Kundalini is alive and well right now, pushing us toward our best selves via both repulsion and attraction. 🙂 We have to remember to approach all of life with love, that means fake people and ourselves.
PS. I love that you say merc “retch” because yeah the retch reflex is alive and strong lately. LOL
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Yes that’s exactly right Dayna! I do normally consider seeing snakes as a good omen and I do it was symbolic, but I draw the line at a big 1 under the bed, lol! Still it always brings me back to the lesson that I can never take this place for granted!
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Herongrace: I once tipped a bag of moss (given by a friend for a craft project) onto a table, was in a nice peaceful, meditative tra-la-la kind of mood, and as I upended the bag, a snake slithered out! I went ‘AARGHH.’ There’s something about a snake *in your house* that brings out your inner ‘killit!’ instinct. I told my daughter later how I went to hit it with a stick, and she was, ‘Aw, how could you go after a poor snake?’ I said, ‘Come back and say that when you’ve found one on your table.’ 😀
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