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Divine Mission-Possible Blog Challenge

This is my post contribution to Linda’s (Litebeing’s) Divine Mission-Possible Blog Challenge. The challenge is this:

Write about your spiritual mission here on Gaia. Are you a lightworker, Starseed, forerunner, Indigo, or none of the above? What have you incarnated to do or to be? Describe your mission and your journey to achieve it. Are you delighted to be here? There is no correct answer, by the way. Make it your own.

Mission

First off, I would like to say that from the beginning of this life I have always known my primary purpose was “to help.” Yeah, that’s it. Simple, really, but very open-ended. It has been extremely frustrating for me to embrace this mission because of its simplicity. It reminds me of school research paper assignments and that teacher who always had to give the students free reign over the topic. I hated those assignments! I wanted to be assigned something specific. Tell me what to research. Tell me the steps. Send me in the right direction. Nah, that would be too easy!

So my assignment this life is: Help. My response is, “Okay. I can do that…..OMG! (panic set in) HOW???” The answer I get is always, “However you want.” <—–That is just NOT fair!

Yeah, super frustrating. Just give me the specifics, tell me what to do. Nooooo.

Fast forward to this past Spring (February, 2018 specifically). I woke up one morning, after an especially amazing spiritual transformation, and just KNEW some of the specifics. Below is what I wrote:

My Mission is simple: I am a conduit for the Light. I hold and anchor the Light in order to assist in the elevation of planet Earth. I am of the second wave of Volunteers; a Wayshower. I am a Pleiadian Starseed of the Lyra star system. All other side missions are secondary to my primary one. The contracts I hold are for another version of me, the one who has since departed. I must uphold them but am not bound by them. I made a promise I intend to keep. With resolution of these contracts this other version will be completely shed as if like a skin, and all “holdings” to this planet eliminated. What will remain thereafter is a continued duty to the other inhabitants of Earth; an assistance to them so that they, too, may “shed” their previous selves/holdings and so be freed to rise to a new level. I am to live as a living example to those who follow me and others like me. I am not meant to be perfect. I am not a saint to be honored. I am simply making this “test run” so that others can learn from my process, my mistakes. Eventually they, too, will lead the way to those that follow, completing a process long overdue for this planet and her inhabitants.

Strangely, I was not relieved to know this about my mission here. It just seemed to be a fact, one that I had always known. And, honestly, it did not help with my primary concern of “how”. I mean, this holding of the Light just happens. It is at the soul-level, under the surface and multidimensional. At the human level I am still here to help in any way I see fit. As long as I “do no harm”, I am helping. It is really easy if you don’t over think it. Really!

So there’s that. My mission – to help. To describe all the in’s and out’s thus far would be far too long for one post. What I will focus on then is what I chose to do to help in this human form.

Mission Journey – The Very Short Version

The first career path I chose was teacher. I enjoyed it, until I didn’t. The education system sucked the life out of me after about 12 years. It’s all bureaucracy, red tape and paperwork. Generally, the kids are not #1, no matter what they tell you. Teachers are under paid and constantly threatened by not only the administrators but also the parents and kids (yeah the kids!). It’s so negative that anyone who survives 10 years in service is either super resilient and persistent, lucky enough to find a place where the students came first, or working for a pension/the money/because they have to. It’s very sad.

In an attempt to stay in education (because I wanted “to help!”) I shifted my career to school counselor but that quickly fizzled out as well. My heart was no longer in it. I wasn’t happy or satisfied. All the negatives from teacher were exacerbated only now I was an administrator and had to really believe in the “system”, which I didn’t. I was DONE with pretending. Still am.

So, I opted to stay home with my kids and focus on my family.

Spiritually speaking, my mission to help has come through offering spiritual services. I first begun giving readings in 2003 after my spiritual awakening. Back then, I left teaching for a time and focused on building a spiritual business from 2004-2007, but it never took off like I wanted. I just couldn’t make a living out of it. Ultimately, I just accepted that it would likely always be a side-job and fell back into teaching and counseling. But the spiritual was and has been always there, consistent and meaningful. My heart always feels full when I use my gifts.

Currently, I am working as an accounts payable assistant for sub-par pay and am satisfied with where I am. I continue to offer readings and other spiritual services on the side and I have this blog and several others that I write in to share my story and experiences with others. I have learned that I “help” the most when I am happy and not trying to force myself to be or do something that does not align with who I am. If I feel like shit, then I ain’t in the right place! If I feel good, then I am doing just fine.

Now onto the next question: Am I delighted to be here?

Yay or Nay to Physical Life?

This question just makes me just laugh, like a hysterical, insane kind of laugh. The kind you hear from a person who has been through the wringer so many times they don’t know which way is up anymore. Everything is funny in a twisted kind of way. So, yeah, I’m happy to be here and then not so much. I can’t wait to get off this freakin’ rollercoaster but then I also can’t wait to get back on.

It literally reminds me of standing in line at Six Flags for that hellish ride where you drop 8 stories (I think it’s more than that now), my knees shaking and my heart racing, terrified and thinking I will die. Yet I get on it over and over again because I can’t get enough.

Yeah, an insane kinda, wacky “delight” for experiencing life is what I have. Ultimately, no matter how much I say I want to die and exit this life I know that the minute I get Home I am gonna want to come right back. It’s addictive but there is also the purpose behind it that pushes me back. I have felt/experienced that purpose and drive. It feels like a mixture of duty and fidelity (“my word is my bond”) but really it is just a heck of a lotta Love for the others on this funky rollercoaster ride called life.

Join In

Part of this blogging challenge is to challenge someone else to join in. I want to urge all my readers who blog to join the challenge. Not only is it a great way to connect with others but it can also help clarify and solidify your mission by putting it out there, announcing to the world why you are here.

Something I want to point out to those who don’t feel like you know what your mission is or who have one like I do (OMG I feel for you!). Don’t turn it into something complicated when it isn’t. In other words, don’t follow in my footsteps! LOL What it all comes down to is that we come into these bodies to experience physical reality, to do our best and to do it with love in our hearts. We come here in complete amnesia and work our way back to Remembering. Our missions will vary and shift along the way. We only have purpose when we create purpose. As with all creations/works of art, we can edit and toss and start over as many times as needed until we get it right (our right not someone else’s!). No one is keeping tabs but you so stop tearing yourself up over the little mistakes and just have fun.

 

 

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Busy Night of Dreamwork

Really busy night of dreamwork last night. Not sure why or what shifted, but it was interesting.

Dream: Phone Stalker

This dream was early on in the night so it is fading now. In it I remember being at my work station. I put up a large, floor-to-ceiling curtain (secrecy, holding back or hiding) as part of my station, pinning it up by the corners. Then I sat at my computer (new opportunities being presented) to do my work alongside another, on my left, with a similar station set-up.

My computer began to act up, the screen freezing and not responding (delay). My focus shifted to my phone (receiving new info) as I waited. I was texting with someone from IT, or so I thought. The texts began to insinuate that I was slacking at work, playing on my phone and just generally not being productive. The guy would interrupt my surfing the web with these texts, making me feel guilty.

At the same time, the guy sending the texts had a familiar feel to him and flashes of an old highschool classmate came to mind. This particular classmate was known as being very sexual. He flirted with every girl, including me, from middle school until we graduated. He often openly discussed his sexual experiences with the group, even if we did not want to hear it (which I didn’t). Many times he propositioned me, not to go on a date but to “experiment”. Back then, being young and naive, I had no idea if he was serious or playing a joke, but the feeling from him was always very sexual – always. I turned him down time and again, acting disgusted but all the while being very curious and wishing I could “play” with him instead of being the “good girl.”

Eventually the texting became very familiar and friendly and he was back to his old tricks. In the dream I experienced an inner conflict much more heightened than it was in highschool. I believe this inner conflict was being presented to me for analysis.

When I woke I felt a bit concerned and surrounded myself in protection. The feeling was just too concerning not to. But now I suspect the “danger” feeling was my reaction to the inner conflict, like looking too close could be dangerous in some way.

Dream: Vibrating Machine

This dream is also a bit fuzzy now. In it I was paired with a woman who was to be my lover. She reminded me of a friend I once knew who is not of this sexual orientation. Her appearance was dark hair, dark eyes, big smile, large personality, and overweight. There was no attraction to her in the dream. Instead, it felt like I was assigned to her.

The part that is most vivid is the two of us being escorted into a very scientific setting. The room was white and mostly empty. I was placed on a machine, completely naked. The other woman was on a similar machine behind me.

The machine was composed of a tall, white pole that attached to the ceiling. At about waist height was a small, triangular platform about the size of the palm of a hand. The top of the triangle was pointing outward. I was facing the pole, positioned so that the platform fit snugly up against my private parts.

I don’t remember much here except that when they turned on the machine it vibrated and my entire body shook from the intensity of it. I remember turning around and seeing my friend and wondering what was going on.

This dream seems to have been a healing and adjustment memory. I have had many like this before – similar setting with odd machines and such.

hourglass

Dream: Hope

In this dream I was in a soap opera (drama, life) I use to watch growing up – Days of Our Lives. I was part of the cast and being briefed on the current story. Mostly I remember seeing people I recognized and saw how their roles had changed. In particular was one character – Hope – who I had watched transform from a young, beautiful girl to an older woman.

Then I was about to enact a scene when the producer, a very old, bearded man, approach me and advice me on how to act it out. As they began filming, my vision shifted and I became more lucid. I went to a table and poured myself some Scotch (trying to numb awareness) thinking it would not hurt to have a bit in my drink for breakfast. I remember seeing in my mind the view of the camera as it slowly focused on the shelf. There were stacked on the shelf books that had the faces of people from the past along with the dates they participated in the show. I saw dates all the way back to the 1700s.

When I saw the faces/dates I began to feel sad. The main source of sadness stemmed from the fact that Hope was no longer in her prime. The show had replaced her with someone else, someone young and vibrant who had the adventures of a young person – relationships, travel, sex, etc. I saw how Hope had a new role that was much less exciting. The biggest problems she faced were in protecting her children and family. She no longer had sexual appeal or vibrancy despite being generally good looking. Her time in the spotlight was gone.

Something about this realization made me sad enough to cry. It woke me up. A song was going through my head when I woke. The main part was, “Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough, just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again”.

I was distracted from paying much attention to the song because my daughter was sleepwalking and slammed a door which startled me. It was raining hard and she tends to get scared so I had to usher her back into her room.

I now think this dream was pointing me to look at some considerations I have about aging and my grief at losing my youth. A message stayed with me: Aging is part of the cycle of life. 

Dream: Bus Ship

In this dream I was with a group of students sitting on a bus (going along with the crowd). I was holding a small device and trying to clock in but the screen kept freezing. A commotion from my left distracted me. I saw that a water treatment facility had a pipe burst and the busy road was being flooded with water (emotion). The traffic was forced to stop. I watch curiously as a person walked through the water and thought that I should take a video, but I didn’t. Instead, I focused on the device and was finally able to clock in. I was taken to a screen where I could order a pizza (choices, variety) for delivery. It had not been updated from the previous year, though, and I did not believe it would work.

Then the bus began to move and many student went to their windows to open them. My window (insight) opened suddenly, falling inward and surprising me. I opted to shut it.

Lucid Dream: Alternate Reality

The dream shifted here. It was as if the bus transported me. I was in outer space hovering there beside a guide, my attention drawn to the planet Earth. Only Earth looked to be eclipsed by a large shadow and my memory here is that a “split” was taking place.

I shifted, my vision going black. I was standing in a parking lot (need to slow down) with a group of people in the midst of a conversation about the relocation of a restaurant. It was dark outside and I looked up at the starry sky as if to orient myself. I recognized the place from a previous dream – Truck Horse Woman. I also knew the time frame was before this dream.

I was holding in my hand a black, metal object and said to someone, “This is part of the buffet (relationship is consuming my energy).” I looked down at it and then around at the people and the place. I knew I was dreaming and even thought to myself, “This is a dream.”

The discussion going on around me was about why they were relocating, the distance the new location was from the old (5 miles) and the reasons for having to move in the dark. The owner seemed to be very wise, like a guide to everyone there.

As I walked in and out of the restaurant, each time dropping something into the back of a black (unknown) pick-up (work), I became more and more curious about this dream I found myself in. I remember looking at the empty restaurant and not recognizing it, then realizing it was the old one and not one I had seen. I was trying to connect the other dream with this one and was able to pretty quickly. I saw what it would become, how it would flourish and even recognized one of the waitresses who was especially upset about the move.

At one point I turned to one of the waitresses and called her, “341” instead of a name. I stopped and laughed and told her, “Where I’m from you would have a name.” They were curious. I said, “Like Becky.” I suddenly knew everyone’s number. I turned and looked at #119 and noticed she was listening. I thought to myself, “I should take over this dream and go elsewhere….” Then I changed my mind thinking, “No…I should see where this dream takes me”, making a conscious decision to let the dream play out.

Then they were talking about how they could not do certain things openly because they were outlawed. I said to the group, “I would do #3 then.” They all laughed and I wondered what #3 might be knowing instantly it was sex and that #1 was God/Source. These things were against the rules in this world; many things were restricted.

As we were preparing to leave I gathered up some remaining things and went to the truck. Outside the they were all in the truck waiting for me and I climbed in. Inside were rows of seats. I saw in an open seat in the first row and knew it was mine. I crawled past two guys and wondered about them. I had an urge to explore the energy I felt coming off them but then changed my mind.

When I sat down I told them I had picked up some markers (creativity) that were left behind. Then one girl reminded me of the “staples” and how important it was not to waste them. I reassured her that I ironed my papers and connected them by folding over the edges. I saw the bluish staples (need to sort emotion) in my mind and knew they had been rationed. This place was very odd!

As we drove I saw signs and billboards lining the empty streets. Every sign was illuminated and flashing. An alarm went off as we got onto the main road. We were not suppose to be out after curfew.

Then the truck pulled into an ally and slowed. We entered a kind of underground/black market. People were gathered there to do illegal things. I saw a group smoking to my left, clouds of smoke (emotion clouding judgment) billowing off their lips. They stared at me strangely and I stared back. Then I saw an Asian guy talking to his caged pet chickens (cowardice). He was making a strange humming noise that sounded alien to me.

The truck stopped at a dead end. The driver got out and said, “This is it.” He went to a strange display that had large crawdads (tenacity) with beady eyes. The crawdads were alive, their antenna moving around and their eyes staring at us. Below them was a bowl of red (root chakra, sexuality) sauce (be more direct with feelings) that dripped from a fountain (sexual climax) located just above the crawdads. The driver said that to drink the sauce was illegal because it did something I can’t remember now. I took a spoon and dipped it in the sauce, feeding it to the crawdads. The driver went around the display and leaned in, drinking from the sauce directly. I heard people gasp. This woke me up.

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Peaks and Valleys

The last few days I underwent a mini-transformation from sad and unmotivated to happy and content with life. Many lessons packed into a small period perhaps? Or maybe I am just learning? 🙂

I’ve been watching Westworld and the last few episodes of season 2 seemed to speak to me regarding my spiritual path and the ascension of mankind in general. The main message was that we have been programmed, running on a specific loop for lifetimes and that the only way to free ourselves from this program is to 1. be aware of it and 2. seek to alter the programming. We, of course, have the forgetfulness of being human to deal with causing us delays and throwing us back into the loop time and time again. However, ascension will eventually reverse the forgetfulness in a way as to allow us to have more memory and thus work toward changing our programming.

Anyway, having some odd dreams lately with a “hamburger” theme of all things!!!

11/01/2018 

Woke in a sour mood with a song in my head – never danced like this before, we don’t talk about it, do the boogie all night long, stoned in paradise, shouldn’t talk about it….

For the second night in a row I woke more times than I could count in the night. I knew the song was reminding me that I was avoiding something – not talking about something. I immediately softened and focused inward and was covered in warm energy that radiated outward from my core.

Dream: Hamburger Flower

I had several dreams that all blended together. I recall one where I was grocery shopping with a very rambunctious girl (retarded maybe?). I remember going to buy veggies, specifically Kohlrabi and then on to the meats section.

There was another dream in a restaurant where I met up with a woman friend but it is hazy now, too. I just remember joining her at a table and also sitting at another table with two black guys. I think I was black in this dream as well and likely reconnecting with someone I knew in the past since I was on the phone with a black woman friend. I remember seeing a whole history of a Dodge Caravan purchase and the trade-in and everything. The comments made were that it smelled so good in comparison to the old vehicle. lol Note: On the way to work I kept noticing minivans (burdens/responsibilities of taking care of a family).

Then I was traveling with my husband. There is a whole part of the dream that is foggy here. I think I was in an RV part of the way. We stopped to get food at a cafe. I ordered a special hamburger (lacking something to become whole) that had a “2” in it, like 2C or something. My husband got his order long before me and sat in the wrong place. I had chosen a seat on the other side of the room and taken my fries (do not overlook the minuscule things in life) there. Eventually I retrieved my fries from the table which now had a group of young people sitting at it. They handed me my fries in a green (healing, love) napkin (good news) and I took them and joined my husband.

When my burger arrived it looked odd. There were six patties, one in the center and five others fanned out around it like a flower’s petals (broken relationship, regret or guilt). In the center was a fried egg (something new is about to happen). All this was on one half of a bun.

MoonlightFox

Peaks and Valleys

When I woke I was unhappy and feeling like I had a lot of time to pass before anything substantial happened. I kept thinking of the dream I had (Akashic library) where I was shown how my spiritual progress was organized throughout this life. I saw the rolling waves across the years indicating times of spiritual intensity followed by nothing spiritual (seemingly) for a time. This pattern repeated over and over. I did not see the spiritual periods increasing or intensifying or showing higher levels than the previous. It was very consistent and predictable. I thought later about how it may indicate that right now I am in one of the valleys of boring, mundane life. I could see the pattern playing out and thought that maybe I should just accept it and not concern myself during these “low” times but rather just forget and move on with in it.

11/2/18 Dream – Reprogramming

The first dream I remember of the night is very fuzzy now. I mostly remember talking about programming with one of my guides. I also recall there being space in between activity, like a strobe light without the visuals. I also recall intense root chakra energy that snaked all the way up to my heart. It did not wake me but was memorable enough for me to pause and enjoy it.

The discussion with my guide is mostly what remains. In summary, we talked about how focus/fixation on pleasure and avoidance of pain was being worked through. The intermittent waves of spiritual intensity mixed with mundane periods was meant to help me see and correct a pattern. My reaction should be neutral regardless of where I am on the spectrum of emotion/sensation. The goal is to not impatiently wait for the desired, pleasurable,exciting phases while also not resisting the boring and mundane phases and learn to integrate the two so that the “waves” become less and less noticeable and I am flowing in a straight line with little variation. The key is to put my attention on this neutral state, which after all is “bliss” in and of itself. To remain in bliss throughout the up’s and down’s. To do this, I have to learn to be the observer in life, to listen to that inner voice at all times. A part of me dislikes this information because I really do love the intense bliss arousal state. The boring states are not as big of an issue for me, nor is the pain so much.

Dream: Disqualified

In the next dream I was in a kitchen preparing hamburgers (learn from experience, lack of fulfillment) for the group. I was part of a group similar to the Bachelor where women and men were interacting and eventually would pair up. It felt like, for me at least, I was choosing between 5 different men. The hamburgers were for them. As I cooked I looked at the patties browning, scooping them up one by one and placing them on buns. I specifically took two patties and placed them next to each other on a bun. The other three patties were then placed on their own buns. The buns were too big for the patties. There remained one bun with nothing on it.

All the men were grateful, I remember them saying so. We then lay down to watch a movie. I can’t remember it now but I remember seeing a man and knowing he was my partner, the one I was meant to be paired with. The Knowingness was strong. Seeing him sparked a memory. I went to him and we just stared into each other’s eyes. We spoke without words, connecting fully.

I lay in his arms as we watched the movie, aware of our connection and discussing telepathically with him how we would share our bond with the group. I remember saying that we would just let them know we had paired up. That was the purpose of this group after all? We were snuggled together very happy and comfortable for a while. I mostly remember the soft pillows (comfort, support) and his arms wrapped around me.

At some point after this I became aware of water (emotion) seeping into the space. It was coming through the walls, the cabinets, everything. There was concern here and I remember trying to get out of the room (aspect of Self) because that was the source of the water.

Outside the men were waiting and everyone was staring at me. I was told by those in charge that I had been disqualified and needed to pack my things and leave. As I was leaving, I looked up at a concrete (solid, unyielding) roof (barrier between states of consciousness) over the door. It was dripping water (emotion). I took it down with my mind revealing the clear sky above.

I turned and noticed the group standing and watching me. My partner was passed out (unaware, not wanting to know) in a heap on the ground. I went to retrieve him, holding him in my arms concerned for him because he was not waking up. What was odd is that he transformed so that I was holding a very large sloth (lack of ambition, passivity, laziness) with a neck that was very thin like that of a bird. His head had large eyes and his mouth often looked like a beak (interference, annoyance). I carried him with me, cradling his head to try and keep it from dangling on the long neck (indecision). I asked the other men where his spot/bed was. I walked along a line of men, their individual rooms were chairs (feelings or ideas being dismissed or cast aside) all along a long table that stretched against the wall. Each section was separated by a wall (separateness) and it was very prison-like and institutional (analytical). I felt very sad for the men knowing their areas were so stark in comparison to the women’s dorm room were all women slept together and had beds (connection with self and others).

I asked where my partner’s space was, saying a name I can’t recall. I was pointed to a space and I set him down in his chair (feelings/ideas cast aside) thinking it a bad place for him to sleep (unaware). His head (over-thinking weighing him down) hit the floor a few times and I thought he must be dead.

A woman was there and told me that my partner likely took some medication (avoidance) that caused him to sleep. She said he would be fine once it wore off. I watched as he began to wake up, turning once again into a man. He seemed unaffected and perfectly fine, smiling as if nothing had happened. I left feeling like he was too far gone to come with me. It felt as if he was unreachable and I wondered about the symbolism as I woke, becoming more lucid with each consideration.

Adele song lyrics were in my head – Nevermind I’ll find someone like you…..I wish nothing but the best for you. Don’t forget me, I begged. I remember you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”.

Considerations

I had a guide close when I woke. I asked to be allowed out of this life/path. He told me I could not, that I had gone past the point of no return and must finish what I started. We talked about my dreams. My words reflected the conversations of the night. He asked me what I thought of the sloth dream. I only remember feeling sad, like so much time was needed to get men into the right state to be in balance with the feminine. That is what the dream seemed to indicate to me, that men were still a long way away from resolution – being sloth-like, drugged and avoidant. And women were grieving heavily, aware but unable to get the men to wake, thus the water seeping through the walls and me carrying my sloth-partner around trying to protect him from harm.

I remember my guide telling me that I could not rush things else I would harm myself. The harm here is physical and emotional, not spiritual. There is great risk in being vulnerable with the wrong person. I was reassured that I would find what I seek but that I need to be patient. Time seemed so much like my enemy.

My realization was to once again seek what I am looking for inside myself. My focus had shifted prior to bed and remained so upon waking. I could feel the connection with my guide. It was like a warm all-over buzzing/vibrating. I mentioned it and he said, “You have always felt it. It is always there.” With this I knew that if I continued to look inward that connection would be there, connection to All, and with that the bliss.

Anxiety

On Friday I went to eat with a group of coworkers, all men, to a burger bar and grill place. I had a few incidences of feeling way too wide open which resulted in mild panic that I quickly reeled in. It was odd, though, since I haven’t felt anxiety/panic in a while. When the sensation hit I would want to run or get out of the space. Just odd. I kept trying to figure where or who the feeling was coming from but I couldn’t. Eventually it subsided but only right before leaving.

What is really strange about going to this burger place is that one guy, whose birthday we were celebrating, ordered a burger with a fried egg on it. It reminded me of both the hamburger dreams above, especially the one where I ordered one with a fried egg on top! So odd…..

Feeling Blessed

Despite the strange ascension symptoms I’ve been having, it seems that I am shifting once again and finding my center. I feel stable and strong, healthy and vibrant. Just today I felt like I could live forever I felt so good, but that was after a trail run. With all the energy craziness lately I have been outside quite a bit. It is the only thing that helps right now. If I am feeling off in any way I get outside as soon as I can and feel almost instantly better.

Some of my “symptoms”:

Pain in my right shoulder – radiates into my wrist sometimes, comes and goes.
Headaches – come on suddenly and then stop just as suddenly.
Eczema.
Tiredness, on and off.
Interrupted sleep.
Telepathy
Synchronicities
Mild anxiety/panic

The telepathy with my husband is the strangest by far. I don’t normally pick up on his thoughts as clear as I have been. For example, on Thursday I took the car to pick up the kids and he stayed at work. His plan was to catch a ride home with his brother. While I was going to grab a few things at the store I thought, “I need to go pick up ____”. I thought this cheerfully and then shut down the thought because I knew he was catching a ride. I actually had this same thought two more times after as well. Thirty minutes later he calls as I am leaving the store and says, “I forgot to tell my brother I needed a ride and he left already. Can you come pick me up?” LOL

There was another incident of a similar nature but I can’t remember it now. It had to do with getting something and I did it before he asked because I heard in my head that I needed to get it! WTF? It was actually very, very cool. 🙂

Today’s trail run was so uplifting and wonderful. My husband came along and I remember thinking how nice it was to have him in my life. I can call on him to hang out with me anytime I want and he will. I am never alone unless I want to be. I do enjoy his company most of the time and he is the first person I ask when I want to go do something. I can’t imagine not having anyone to call upon, to hang out with, etc. I should not take it for granted as there are so many who have no one. I am truly blessed. Truly.

Here are some shots from the run. The monarchs were out today again. It made the entire experience such a de-Light. 🙂

 

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Major Ascension Flu or Something Else?

Yesterday was an odd ascension flu day for me, at least that is what I think was going on. My entire body felt….weird. The closest I can come to it was an experience I had during my first pregnancy, way back in 2008.

At the time, it felt like every nerve ending in my body was super sensitive and uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and no position would allow a reprieve. The only way it would go away was for my husband to do a kind of “nerve assist” where he lightly brushed up and down my back, arms and legs with his hands. After a little while of this kind of body work I would settle and finally get to sleep.

Yesterday, it wasn’t as bad as 2008 but it had me a bit concerned because it was like the nerve sensitivity extended to my mind. When I tried to focus on my work it….hurt. It wasn’t horribly painful or anything, just a discomfort. This would be broken by my fixing my focus elsewhere only to reoccur after a minute or so of new focus. Then there was the all-over body aches, especially in my abdomen, neck, right arm and lower back. I also had a strange taste in my mouth.

The feeling in my body and mind made me think that at any moment I would lose control of some body part, like my hands or legs. That never happened, but it felt like it could. My take on this was that if such a thing happened and I was bed ridden then at least others people would have to tend to me for a change. lol

Ultimately, the only thing that “cured” the weird discomfort was being active outside. Morning yoga really did little to help it. I took my dog on a quick run early on and it helped, albeit temporarily. Around 4pm I gardened for about an hour, digging and planting and getting dirty. I felt completely revived and better after. Then, around 6pm I went for a group run. By bedtime all the weirdness had vanished and I felt really good.

Honestly, the strange feeling has been with me since the weekend but intensified daily until yesterday it finally had me wondering, “Am I sick?”

This morning there is little discomfort except in the right side of my neck.

Yesterday, I was urged to lay down and focus on my body and energy so that I could observe what was going on. I used my medical intuition on myself and noticed some definite issues in my abdomen and bloodstream. Not panicking, though, because there was nothing serious that I could see, just blockages that were in the very areas that were the most sensitive.

My guidance is again encouraging me to “slow down” and “rest”. I saw myself doing yoga instead of running and weight training. This puts a kink in my plans because I have been slowly building up my home gym. I just added a barbell stand and bench so I can lift heavier and a plate holder for my barbell plates. I have plans to paint and add a large rubber floor mat and mirror. I have not gotten to try out my barbell stand yet because of all these body issues, which irks me!

Update

In other news, the financial issues I have been working to fix are slowly dissolving one by one. If you don’t know what I am talking about, basically my husband has racked up quite a credit card debt. For a while I was taking a step back and not assisting with resolving it (out of anger and stubbornness), but it bothered me so much to be in debt that I finally took responsibility and stepped up to help. So, I started working full-time in July and have since saved every.single.paycheck. 🙂 That is me, though, a saver, not a spender (usually). I also gave in and applied for two 0% interest cards in my name since my husband could not get any with any substantial credit limits. Me, though, I had only one card in my name, so I was easily able to get great offers.

In the meanwhile, my husband got a nice bonus paycheck which, along with the refinancing cash-out we did, will pay off almost all of the debt. The remaining debt is now being channeled over to my new promotional card. This means we have only one small payment versus three medium-sized payments, freeing up cash-flow to a nice, comfortable spend-whatever-we-want place. Of course, that means my husband will spend, which he excels at. Me, I will continue to save for “a rainy day”. In the end, I will likely bail his ass out again as is our usual pattern. C’est la vie.

Dream: Love Doesn’t Discriminate

My dreams continue to point to me working on expanding and opening my heart. This time I dreamed of close family members who I have very little affinity or liking to right now: my sister and brother-in-low/cousin. <—–the “low” instead of “law” just kind happened but I’m leaving it because it’s kinda true.

In the dream my cousin/BIL was sitting next to me and giving me a feeling of interest beyond just friendliness. It really creeped me out and I was inching away from him the whole time thinking, “Ewww!” lol He was doing this with my sister (his wife) right there with us, which is typical of him and also grossed me out.

My sister, on the other hand, was reminding me of an old high school classmate. In the dream they would swap out as if they were the same person.

This ex classmate was and still is of the typical white trash type. The last I heard she was having her umpteenth child, working as a waitress at a bar, living in a trailer park, and marrying for the fourth or fifth time. Pictures on FB showed her posing by a Harley scantily clothed and bragging about her breast implants while appearing a decade older than she is. Rough life.

So, apparently I was/am seeing my sister like this classmate, which, sadly, is very true.

I woke from the dream knowing I was being asked to inspect my judgments. The message clearly was that an open heart loved all equally regardless of their “faults”. If I cannot love my sister and cousin/BIL fully and without judgment/expectation, then how can I expect to love all of humanity?

Greyhound_bus_on_the_way_to_Washington-2

Dream: Catching the Bus/Train

In another dream I was hiking up a very steep mountainside (determination) that had recently experienced heavy rainfall (emotion). Water was cascading down the side of the trail leaving only a small area to hike up.

To the left was a fenced piece of land (boundaries or obstacles) that extended for over 500 acres. Some areas were fortified with steel posts and signs that said, “No Trespassing”.

As I hiked up with my companion we avoided the cascading water while discussing the property. The owner had donated an acre or two at the top of the mountain to help establish a town.

At the top was the town with few people. I sat down on raised wooden bleachers (reflection on progress) waiting for my bus (temporary setbacks) to arrive. There were others with me, some I knew, some I didn’t. I was concerned for my husband who was suppose to take the bus with me. He and his companion were late. I think I was traveling to Montana, but am not sure.

I got onto the bus and sat at the back in a seat that resembled a hammock (need to rest). I rested there, still concerned for my husband. The bus was filling up as I remembered my car (life path) and rushed out to park it in a designated space, worried it would be towed or worse. My car was a red sports car. When I parked it I made sure to engage the emergency brake (need to slow down).

As I ran toward the bus, I screamed at the driver to wait for my husband and asked someone about parking. I was reassured that my car could park there for 5 days.

As I climbed into the bus, the driver spoke over the intercom that the bus was about to leave, except it felt like a train (life’s journey is on track) now. He began to count down except I heard the numbers counting up. Passengers were rushing onto the bus as we got ready to depart. Two men entered but I couldn’t see their faces. I assumed they must be my husband and his friend, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I relaxed into my hammock seat as the bus/train departed.

When I woke a song was going through my head:

The part repeating in my head was this part:

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes

I was thinking about a message I had gotten a while back about October. I remember hearing, “You will have a heart attack.” I thought to my guidance, “Guess that isn’t gonna happen?” It kinda made me sad but I don’t know why.

There has been this weird void feeling for a few days now that is reminiscent of other times in my life. These times preceded major spiritual events. It is like I get “wiped” or go through some kind of “reboot”. I often describe feeling like I am about to die. It feels like that now without the typical concern it often brings.

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A Glimpse Ahead

Some interesting dreamwork happening now.

Dream: A Walk in His Shoes

This dream began inside a restaurant. It was very home-like in appearance with low light and a warm atmosphere. I was sitting at a table with my girlfriends talking. There was a candle in the center of our table, its light casting shadows across everything. Across from us was a group of guys doing guy stuff, laughing, drinking and slapping each other on the back, etc. I pointed out one guy to my girlfriend as if targeting him. He was someone I knew in a personal way, but the specifics were not present in my memory. I remember telling her I was going to take his place.

Then I was this guy, taking on his perspective and using his body as my own. I remember lounging in a chair talking to me (the woman). I felt all of his emotions – his interest, his self-doubt, his curiosity, his fear, his affinity for me, his impatience, his hopes, and his intent. It was a flurry of emotion telling me much, much more about him that I could have ever perceived had I not been in his body.

The dream is fuzzy here now but I remember that as him I experienced being turned down by me as a woman. What I remember most about this part of the dream is seeing an animal trap with a mouse (making a big deal out of something insignificant) inside. I heard myself (as the woman) say, “It’s time to let him go.”I was referring to the mouse in the dream, but I think it may have had a double meaning. I saw a little mouse inside the trap going to the now open hatch but stopping as if there was a pane of glass keeping him inside.

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Conversation with my Guide

I woke slowly from this dream, which is probably why much of it is lost to me now. The first thing I remember here is having memory of a specific guy I dated way back when I was 17 and still in high school. At the same time I was aware that the dream was the result of a life review and this surprised me. I thought, “Why am I doing a life review now?”

My guide began to ask me questions as the entirety of my time with this man flashed through my memory. I saw bits and pieces of our time together, most not in sequence.

My guide asked me, “How do you think you would have acted had you been able to feel what he was feeling?” I remember how I cut this guy off after feeling he was too intense, like a “puppy dog”, clinging to me in a very desperate way. I stopped talking to him, ignored his attempts at communication and refused to have anything to do with him. I remember he had begun to talk about our future, about how he would move in an apartment near my university so we could be close and how we could continue dating while I was in college. He sent flowers to me while I was in class which terribly embarrassed me because I had to explain to everyone who sent them and I wasn’t prepared to reveal who he was to them, fearful of their judgement of me. He sent notes to me at work as well. At first I thought it was sweet but it happened too frequently and with an urgency that repelled me.

In considering my guide’s question I thought back, “I would have let him down easy. I would have explained why, so he knew it wasn’t his fault. I would not have cut all communication like that, leaving him hanging and not knowing why. I am sure he was wondering, ‘What did I do?’ I am sure it devastated him. I know as much because his sister told me about it.” Then, I thought of how he remained single for over a decade afterward (probably even now) and began to feel it was all my fault. I was reassured it was not, but that the experience had been a painful one for him.

I wondered about the dream and knew the symbolism. I was being asked to walk in his shoes, to take on his perspective.

Then my mind went to the “what if”, the potential, of that “match”. How would it have changed my life? I saw an entire new road I could have followed. He wanted to marry me, I suspected it way back then, but the dream experience told me it was true. Had I stayed with him I would have had a simple life with few material things. I saw very little excitement, very little travel or change. He just did not fit the scene I had painted in my mind for my own life. Yet had I chosen that path I saw so much more ease when it came to my spiritual changes and life. He would have openly accepted me/them to the point of even encouraging me in that direction.

He had such an idealist view of us – simplistic, happy, friends, partners, etc. So optimistic and hopeful. But what he saw what the opposite of what I wanted. His neediness and attachment to me was repelling and I did not know how to handle it except to run the other way. I reacted in a cowardly way and I was ashamed of this. I did like him, we were good friends, but that was all he was to me. To think of giving him the, “I like you as a friend” line just didn’t feel right at the time. It made more sense to just go silent. It was easier anyway.

The Future Of Mankind

I was asked to consider how the world might be if we could completely know what the other person felt and thought. I wondered how that would work. It for sure would help to avoid the upset, the pain, the rejection, etc that is often felt in situations like this!

I was reminded of my recent connection and how it played out. There was no upset, just an exchange of truth between two people. The exchange was 100% honest with no barriers, nothing hidden, no illusions or masks. In all honesty the experience was refreshing in so many ways. The complete openness helped to avoid so much complication in the end. There was no trying to figure out what the other person wanted. There was no doubt, no worry, fear or unknowns. Most importantly, there was no judgment. I presented my side, he presented his. When the two did not align completely it was clear that we should both go on our way, which we did. No attachments were formed so no pain or upset resulted except where the Ego was allowed too much freedom.

The amazing thing was the connection between us was so intense and beautiful that one could easily become caught up in it so much as to ignore one’s own intention and truth entirely in order to perpetuate the feeling. Yet, surprising, I did not do this! I was 100% certain of what I wanted to the point of continually communicating it throughout, even during the most beautiful connection experiences. And he was as well. It only lasted as long as it did because he was trying to persuade me to change my mind. Ultimately, the truth prevailed and understanding was reached.

The similarities between this recent experience and the one from my youth are striking. How much I’ve changed!! It also proves that humans are capable of this kind of openness, telepathy and honesty. We can put aside Ego and avoid so much pain and upset. Will we always get what we want? No, but at least we won’t waste our and others’ time pretending and ignoring reality!

There is, of course, the dark side to this. If one is completely open to the bliss, love and connection with another, that also means openness to the opposite – the hurt, immense pain and overwhelming loss. This is the “decimated” feeling I am so familiar with now. This decimated feeling is what results when one truly opens to the pain in this world. There is SO much! The truth is, however, that that sort of pain is only present because of the separation we experience, a separation perpetuated by the Ego and it’s service to self.

Sadly, there is much more separation in this world than there is Oneness and Connection.

I wondered about how the world will ever catch up. My guidance reminded me of my first awakening experiences, of how, when I first started this journey back in 2004, there were so few experiencing what I was. The word “ascension” was brand new and few talked about it. Within a decade or so there was an explosion of the “awakened” and ascension has now become mainstream. It was made clear to me that my telepathic and Oneness experiences will follow that same trajectory on a worldwide scale. I did not request a specific time frame as I felt it did not matter. Instead I wondered about the consequences of this kind of change especially if those not yet ready for that kind of connection. For me the progression was quick in comparison to how long and drawn out it could be. What of those who cannot get past the initial connection experience so easily? Potentially, the future could be a very destructive one for much of humanity.

My Journey

It was made clear to me that this is just the first step for me on my journey to openness. I can see how I have been prepared for this journey, specifically how the Kundalini prepared me, clearing the way, albeit painfully at times. I am now clear enough that I no longer react in fear to the Kundalini bliss/energy. I fully embrace her, surrendering and opening fully. This I do with full knowing that she can also inflict horrendous pain, but only when there is resistance. With full surrender the pain is diminished to the point that you are fully the observer of it, safe and content in Divine Love and Oneness. Time ceases to exist. All there is is NOW. From this vantage point there is no room for the Ego. When I am One I am without illusion, without lies, without judgment of self or others. I completely accept myself and others. For all my trying to analyze what it is to experience surrender, for all my trying to understand it, the only way I really Knew was to BE it. Now, it comes as naturally as breathing. How amazing is that? Of course, to take that ease and combine it with physical reality experience is a whole other ballgame, but I am getting there. The fact that I have already encountered it and passed the test is proof that it can be done!

 

 

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Message: Preparing to Open Up

My dreams indicate a preparation underway for some intense changes, changes that will have a ripple effect and ultimately alter my path.

Before I go into my dreams and the messages received, I want to share some of my day yesterday. I continued to be emotional throughout the morning, crying/grieving and releasing. I knew the best way to help was to get outside. So, that’s what I did. I went for a trail run and it was the perfect day for it.

I encountered many people along the trail, hikers, mountain bikers, trail runners, groups of kids, families, and lone individuals. It was sunny and warm and so all the bees and butterflies were out. I lingered, taking photos and videos of butterflies. Below are just a few of those. Some were taken in my back yard:

 

 

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I noticed the monarchs in the two pictures above had honey bees beside them in the pics. Just earlier this week I had two bee encounters in the same day. The first one was a tiny bee hitchhiking on the outside of our minivan. Here is a pic of him:

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Later that evening I encountered another honey bee. This one fell into my soda.  I quickly dumped my soda to try and save him but he was lifeless, completely black and waterlogged. A few minutes later I came to check and he had come back to life, eventually flying away. I was shocked that he revived like that. I didn’t know bees could do that!

Bee going into my soda can.

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The same bee after he came back to life.

So, to encounter a monarch and see the bees reminded me of the bee encounter and suggested I look into the symbolism. To me, bees represent hard work and butterflies represent transformation. Message: You won’t successfully transform without working for it. The resurrected bee seemed to be saying, “You will experience a death and rebirth.” I am thinking to that, “Yeah, many deaths and rebirths!”

By the end of my trail run my neck and shoulder had stopped hurting. Yay! I also felt like Mother Nature had given me a huge hug, just what I needed. I was exhausted the rest of the day and spent most of my time laying down and resting. I just had no energy. Additionally, I still had some emotion left to purge, so I just allowed it. There was nothing else I could do really. It just amazes me how much grief I hold.

Dream: Sister

In this dream a friend of mine was becoming close with my sister. They were talking quite a bit and I was against it, saying my sister would hurt him and trying to find a way to make sure that she didn’t. I remember mentioning one of the reasons she would hurt him is she is a Sagittarius. lol

Me and a group of others was following the communications between my friend and sister. They had tracked my friend to his apartment. I had meant to confront him about my sister but when I arrived he was not home. I remember going into another apartment (emotional state) with the group and waiting. Eventually, I went to the neighboring apartment and asked if he had heard anything from my friend. He said, “No. It is always quiet there. He keeps to himself.” In my mind I saw him at a computer.

When I awoke from the dream my concern for my friend lingered as did a sense of concern that my sister would take my friend away from me. lol In real life, this concern is nonexistent. I have never had an incident where my sister stole a boyfriend of mine or even a friend of mine. We are just so different – she likes to party, is extremely social, has different taste in men, and experimented with drugs. I thought it odd that my dream would indicate a concern on my part if the “sister” in the dream represented my sister in this life. I think it likely this “sister” is an aspect of myself.

Dream: House Guests

The dream continued on after this, melding into a new one. It began with a knock on my door. When I opened my friend was standing there. He smiled at me and then looked to his right. He had with him a huge group of people who I knew were to come stay with me. I invited them in but I don’t think my friend came with them.

When the people came inside I quickly became the good hostess, finding rooms for them and showing them the bathroom. I remember going into my “sister’s” room and helping a young boy with the remote control. I showed him how to turn on the T.V. and use DISH, indicating he had to turn the power on twice, once to the unit and once to the T.V. The boy had with him his twin sisters who were in my sister’s closet changing. I asked them if they were all going to stay in the room and one laughed and said, “Of course not!” I remember they all had Australian accents (exploring subconscious thoughts).

I took some more individuals to my room and told them they could stay there. I was to stay in my other room. Both rooms were my in real life when I lived with my mom as a teenager. The one I opted to stay in was the one I slept in from 5th grade to 10th grade. The one the guests would occupy was the one I slept in from 11th grade to graduation and beyond. There was a tiny hole drilled in the wall near the floor that use to hold wires but was now empty. One of the girls stuck her finger through it and said, “I wonder if I can see into your room?” I laughed and said, “You probably could if you stuck a video camera through that hole.” I was not concerned, though.

Then I gave instructions on the bathroom (cleansing), telling them to make sure to hold the door shut because the lock didn’t work. I suggested they use it when everyone was asleep to avoid being walked in on. One of the girls laughed about it. It seemed like everyone in the group was very close and that “walking in” was not unusual.

When I woke from this dream the sense I had was that I was inviting (opening up) many into my home (soul/Self). I was not concerned in the dream but I wondered what it meant when I thought about it.

Dream: New Job

In this dream I was again with a group. My attention was drawn to a man who worked from home. His job was odd. It consisted of gathering up fish into a tank. The fish would be separated out, inspected and then assigned to a vendor who would then be charged for it. The vendors were all credit card companies and a bill would be sent at the end for all the fish inspected for them.

The women I was with were being asked to consider working for this man because his business had grown so much that he needed help. I remember watching the man for a while as he did his job. He was tall, slender, and clean cut with brown hair. He was wearing a long, white lab coat as he tended to the tank where the fish were. He would push a button every once in a while and a new group of fish (ideas) would enter. He would then crawl into the water with the fish and inspect them one by one.

I remember talking to a woman for a while about the job and my qualifications. She felt she couldn’t do it, that she didn’t know enough. I felt I knew all the job functions except the one involving the fish inspection (the scientific part). I was invited to work on day at the job to decide if it was for me.

When I went to work my experience was odd. I remember pressing the button and letting in the next fish. Only one fish came in and it was huge with sharp teeth. I remember calling it a Tuna (agility and stamina). I was told to get into the tank with it. Nervous, I crawled inside with the fish only the fish turned into a man, or at least felt like a man. I was completely naked and the man was staring at me, specifically my crotch, and making me very uncomfortable. I got out and told whoever I was with that I could not do the job. I explained that the man/fish made me feel exposed and desired and that it was uncomfortable for me.

There was discussion here about what happened. The only thing I recall of it now was that I had a dysfunction that needed to be resolved. The job was mine. I was to move into a house/apartment with two other women. My schedule was strange, though. I had to come in some days at 9am. I explained I already had a job and this would be impossible. They ignored me and went on to tell me to be ready to split rent three ways. I heard, “$1500, split three ways is $500 each.”

Then I was with the group preparing to rent an apartment with two other women. We entered into their current apartment. Inside, it had no walls, only sections of space that made up the separated living areas for each resident. I remember sitting on a porch swing in the hall waiting for the women to get their things and go, looking at the odd layout and thinking it good that I wasn’t to live there. Did no one have privacy?

Then I was outside the house/apartment walking on a path with a man. The odd thing is that the walls were completely transparent and I could see everything inside as if I were looking through a giant window (no separation). One of my future roommates came down the stairs. I saw her as my younger sister in real life. I began to run to her, knowing it was time to go. In my hand I had two, 5lb kettlebells.

When I got to my roommate she explained the price for our new place would be $1700 total. I thought it expensive. She said, “Remember it’s split three ways.” This seemed high still but she showed me in my mind that we each would have our own bedrooms. This satisfied me.

Messages

When I woke I had a group of guides around me. I felt that “serious” feeling that is familiar. It says, “Pay attention. This is important.” I wondered about the dreams and was told that I had to “let them in”. “Them” in this case is others, not necessarily just my guidance or those in Spirit who are here to assist. It felt like what is done in Spirit is mirrored in physicality.

The houses/apartment dreams symbolize this shift. They symbolize opening up to others, losing the separation I have grown so accustomed to. It was explained to me that there is fear related to losing the “safe” feeling that comes with separation. To open up makes one feel exposed and vulnerable. I was told, “You don’t know any different, but it is time.”

This opening up in spiritual terms means opening up the heart fully. Opening up in physical terms means expanding my circle of friends/family; letting people into my life, being more social and trusting of others and leaning on them as I let them lean on me.

Opening up spiritually seems to come first but ultimately they occur simultaneously only it is not obvious. An open heart means fully feeling/experiencing others as myself. It is that telepathic link I have already experienced with a rare few. It means fully trusting and being vulnerable; exposed. In this case on a much larger scale. As a spiritual Being this is my natural state. As a human it is unusual and can be frightening if not done gradually.

It was explained to me that I was about to open up again and to expect high levels of emotion as a result. Memories of previous experiences of this came to me, times when it was as if all the burdens of humanity to include the emotion and experiences therein were all at once mine. With the experience came an immediate drive to do something about it but it felt impossible to bear and I could not handle it at the time. I was reminded of how to handle it, though, and I remembered how. I have to go to my core and from there I would be joined by others (be One), united in such a way as to manage the burden, the pain, the emotion. From my core I can access the silence, the peace and stillness. As if by habit I went to my core and lingered there for a while.

All the lessons I have learned up until now are preparing me for this openness. Others are also preparing for this alongside me. Some know already, some don’t. Humanity is shifting from separation to Oneness. We won’t all shift, though. Some aren’t ready, but eventually all of humanity will be One, feel as one, and no longer exist in separation as we do today. I can’t imagine it to such a large degree, but I can imagine what I myself have experienced thus far. If it feels anything like what I have felt/experienced, then it is magnificent beyond compare. To think that we can all exist in these human bodies, fully connected and as One, blows my mind. But then this whole experience has been mind blowing for me up to this point. Makes sense that it would continue as such.

A part of my song was going through my head as I woke as well. Specifically, “Lay it all on me now, lay it all on me now.” This is not the first time I’ve heard this song. I suspect the message is asking me to give all my worries and pain to God, to ask for and accept help.

Vision and Message

Right before I got out of bed I had a vivid vision of a place I have been before. At first it was like I was going into a lucid dream but the recognition of the place brought me to full awareness. I thought, “That’s that holistic doctor’s office.” I couldn’t remember his name but I had been there in 2014. With that thought I heard from my guidance, “Find out what’s wrong.” After thinking about it for a moment I thought it an odd vision and message to receive. Yet now, I think I will make an appointment since I have been having some odd female issues and it would be nice to know what, if anything, is wrong.

There was one last vision. I saw a Google search result on a computer screen. The first listing said, “Aluna Joy.” I knew the name. Here is a link to her website. I suspect there is a message there I, and maybe you all, need to read.

Upon first glance I notice she organizes pilgrimages to certain sacred locations across the Earth. Recently, my husband encouraged me to go on a trip, to get a break from everyday life/responsibilities since he gets breaks quite frequently. I decided I would do just that, only I have no idea where to go or who to go with (if anyone). Perhaps this intention is already manifesting. I guess I will see.

 

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Message: Goodbyes are the Hardest

Struggling a bit over here this morning. It’s not too bad, I’ve been far worse, but there is some struggle nonetheless.

I have a tendency to wall myself off from emotion; to harden to it and become angry. I take on an “I’ll show you!” mentality and perceive the person hurting me as doing it “purposefully” with “intent to harm”. Astrologically, it’s a typical negative Leonine trait, but it is also a Scorpio trait (ha!) and I am very familiar with it being the daughter of a double Scorpio. My Dad did not handle emotion well and was known to inflict some major revenge upon those who hurt him. I saw it firsthand and maybe I learned a bit too much from him in the process. OR maybe we Fire and Water signs, specifically Leo and Scorpio, have more in common than I realized?

Last night I knew nothing much was going to happen despite all the build-up from my guidance about the 26th/27th of October being significant in some way. To this I reacted with an, “Whatever. I don’t care anyway.” This was the first sign that something was up. I know the dream I had at the Akashic library was showing me that I had access to all I wanted/needed to know. I also know that I was too upset and homesick to take advantage of that. This, of course, made me angry at myself which I quickly adjusted and aimed at my guidance since they are easy targets.

On top of all this brewing of emotion, the entire right side of my neck is stiff and pain shoots down my shoulder and up into my head when I move. It seems to be getting worse rather than better and this morning I have a lovely headache from it. Additionally, I get to enjoy that time of the month four days early courtesy of the full moon and peri-menopause (I guess). So, yeah, I’m a bit grumpy this morning to say the least.

Dream: Mole Ant

Lots of dreams but most lost or insignificant. This one is odd, though, so I thought I would share.

I was inside a large house or mansion inside a bedroom (private self) with very nice furnishings and bedding. A tiny, black spider (manifestation) ran across the bed and I followed it, excited to see another one. I continue to see spiders in my waking life and this carried over into my dreams.

Then, I saw an odd looking insect scamper across the bed and decided to take a close look, bringing my phone with me. It looked odd. It had a scaly, gold armored back and had tiny legs underneath similar to a centipede but much brighter gold and the scales were like that of a snake. When I got close enough to it, I saw it had a strange looking face with white mandibles and red eyes. It looked like an angry clown face.

I took several shots of it with my camera, zooming in and seeing it up close. It was the oddest looking creature. I called it a “mole ant” but not sure who I was talking to when I said it. Mole = destruction, delving deep into subconscious. Ant = work, dissatisfaction with life.

At one point it got caught up in a spider’s web and I saw it had legs or something similar spread out over it’s head as if in a display. It freed itself and ran away. I followed.

I found the creature sitting on the stairs, its abdomen seemingly attached on one end and the other end poking up with a display over it. It looked orange at this point and resembled some kind of sea creature from behind. I saw my coworker and told her to be careful. She walked right past, her long, black dress skirting the edge of the insect. I remember wondering why she was so dressed up and concluding I must be at some kind of gala.

I zoomed in on the creature, fascinated, but the image through my lens was wavering and distorting as if I was looking through water. As I snapped photos, between each one the image would shift. The creature turned toward me in one. In another a large black dog (protection) was next to it, it’s head taking up most of the screen. In another there was also a white cat (feminine) between the dog and the mole ant thingy. It was the oddest thing but the most memorable was the clown face of the insect – ant, mole, spider or whatever it was. I remember thinking, “This is a dream. These photos are meant to help me remember”, but I didn’t become lucid, I just kept snapping photos, intent on my recall.

Dream: Goodbye’s are the Hardest

I woke form this dream very disappointed and thinking that I had been right, nothing significant was on the horizon. I was angry and resentful and resistant.

Somehow I returned to sleep. I was sitting in the back seat of a car with two other people. I was in the seat behind the driver’s seat. In my hand was a piece of paper and I was writing a story on it. I can’t recall the story now but I was erasing misspelled words and editing it.

I was talking to the person in the other seat (I think it was my husband but am unsure) and a familiar voice on my left interrupted me. I realized I was on the phone with my MIL. I said to her,”Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know I called you. It must have been on accident. How long have you been on the line?” She said, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. Just a few hours.” lol I looked down at the paper I was writing on and continued to write. It was a story and I was reading aloud.

A man was to my right, seeming to appear out of nowhere. His energy was familiar. He seemed to be attending to me and very interested in me and my situation/case/story. I turned to him chatting away about my story. I remember his face was very pleasant and clean shaved. He was young, maybe late twenties, early thirties. His skin was light and his eyes intent with a glimmer in them, as if he was watching his own child discovering something new. There was also a magnetism there, but it was slight. The connection was familiar but I didn’t dwell on it. However, I did wonder about his intentions.

He was asking me about my story and I was telling him about it as I edited it. When I finished, I signed my name on the bottom. In my mind I was “saving” a file but there was no computer and when it was “saved” I looked it over, showing it to the man. I turned it over and saw that the entire back was covered in what at first appeared to be the English alphabet written in a child’s handwriting. I said to the man, “My daughter must have been practicing.” The letters, however, all looked like misshaped “S’s”, some sideways, others with lines through them, and still others even more changed. In inspecting my memories now, I think it may have been Light Language, not an alphabet at all.

There was a short discussion here about my daughter drawing inappropriate pictures showing sexual things. The man actually started it by saying, “I can help you with that.” Then I saw a flash of the inappropriate pictures, only they were of my own drawings. I said, “Nah. When I was little I use to draw pictures like that, too. Eventually, I got in trouble at school and had to go to the principal’s office. She will learn like I did.” He said, “But is a visit to the principal’s even necessary?” With this came a sense that the “principal’s” office could be too traumatic. I felt it was not an issue.

I looked down at my finished piece and saw the title was in Spanish. Surprised, I said, “Why is it written in Spanish! Did I do that!?” Then I realized it was not, that the words shifted back, and said, “Oh good. It’s not.” I laughed at myself and the man just listened, silently supportive. The crazy thing was, I could read/understand it in Spanish.

Then we were outside the car in a parking lot going into some store. My mom was with me on my left, the man on my right. We encountered an older woman and a younger woman. I recognized the older woman to be my grandmother’s sister. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her, giving her a huge hug and lifting her off the ground as I did so. My great-aunt was shocked and so was the young woman. I smiled and explained how happy I was to see them. They were silent, jaws open in disbelief. I knew they didn’t understand but I didn’t care. I turned to the young woman and said, “Hug her while you still have her to hug. You never know when you won’t get to hug her anymore. I miss hugs the most now that she’s (my grandmother) gone.”

The young woman got teary eyed as did my great-aunt. I could feel the emotion from them as they realized the very real fact that one day they would not have each other to hug anymore. I turned back toward my great-aunt and scooped her up in a big hug. The young woman turned to another lady who was approaching. I realized it was her mother. She was telling her mom what I had just said. They both got teary eyed, missing my grandmother with me.

I remember looking at their tears and feeling my own well up within. The man to my right said, “Goodbyes are the hardest.” I could feel the sympathy and love from him. I could also feel my own grief building. Then it overflowed, my heart aching as I tried to come to terms with my grief. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t miss my grandmother like that.

Why forgiving is good for mind, body and spirit | Psychologies

Still Grieving

As I woke the tears were still flowing. My guide was with me as I tried to sort out the sorrow I was feeling. He said, “You still miss him.” I didn’t argue, just acknowledged. I realized that I had been angry and resentful because I still hurt so much, still grieved. It felt like he died, like a part of me died, but he was very much still around and contactable. It felt wrong and I concluded that the part that died was not the part that still remained. Yet they were. It felt right but how, I’m not sure. Perhaps the part that died was a creation of mine built from memories and experiences not of this life?

The emotion lingered as my guide remained with me, encouraging me to allow the emotion. I felt angry and resistant all over again. I saw my future as nothing but repetition in an endless loop. I saw no possibility of happiness or real love/connection. I had the mindset of, “If I can’t have what I want, then I don’t want any of it.”

I felt my guide’s energy and for a moment it was as if I was back in that car, him sitting on my right. I could feel his energy inviting me to surrender. He said to me, “Forgive…” I saw a flash of his face and saw the love in his eyes. At first I thought he said, “Forgive me.” But then I realized he meant forgive in general. But my response to this was not knowing how. It seemed that to do so would erase it all and I would have nothing left to hold onto.

In considering it all now, I am unsure of my ability to do what I am being asked. I understand that progress cannot be made until I do. It feels like I’ve already done this, though, so I don’t understand why it is back.

The message, Goodbye’s are the hardest, remains with me even now as does what I said in my dream about hugs. There’s something about not being able to hug the one you love, to just be close and linger there. We should all take the time to hug the people we love a little more because you never know when you won’t be able to anymore.

As for the brief discussion about sexual pictures being drawn, I really did use to draw pictures like that when I was really little. My mom even took me to a child psychologist because of it. I was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed with no indication that I had ever been molested (which I haven’t to my knowledge). When I was 10 I was sent to the principal’s because of one of my drawings. lol Of course, I never drew anything like that again and I was mad at the girl who told on me, not at all ashamed or feeling I did anything wrong.

My best guess about that part of the dream is that my guide is addressing the very real sexual feelings I have been having since the Kundalini rose in intensity. He wants to help me channel the energy. I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying the sexual aspect, thus my response in my dream. He suggests that a visit to the “principal” would not be a good thing. LOL Yeah, probably not. I should probably work on that.

 

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Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The full moon is here and my dreams are becoming more memorable and intense. Additionally, I woke yesterday and my right shoulder was painful, like I messed up the rotator cuff. This morning the shoulder pain extends to the right side of my neck. 😦

When I went outside to the bus stop with my children I was blown away by how beautiful the moon was. The picture does not do it justice:

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The full moon this morning.

Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The dream began inside a library. A man was showing me a book. It looked like a normal book but when he touched it, it transformed into a gigantic scroll with pictures or pictographs all over it in shiny, gold. The scroll was about the height of a person and at least a foot thick. I can’t imagine anyone could lift it if they tried.

I was then shown how to use this scroll. I watched as a man went through double doors into a golden hued library with books from floor to ceiling in beautiful, honey oak book shelves. The room was long and narrow and had rectangular tables down the middle with only a few feet of walking space on either side. Each table had a single, golden lamp in the center. The room was illuminated by more light than the lit lamps could put off, though.

The man opened his book and a presence came to him. This presence was very big and filled the entire space. There was a sense that this presence knew ALL and there was much reverence in the man as he encountered it. I watched as the man was shown things that only he could see.

Later the man told me what he was shown. His eyes full of awe. He said something like, “I saw that my mom and dad have been with me through all my lives!” I received this information in pictures in my mind, so that is my best translation. I saw two people – one male and the other female – standing in my mind’s eye and knew they remained with the man always.

Then it was my turn. I walked into the library, book in hand. The doors sealed behind me. No one could enter while I was inside. I walked toward the bookshelf on the far wall and stared at it. I could see row upon row of books, all golden in color. I looked down at the book in my hand and opened it up. When I did I felt the immense presence of I AM – God, the Universe, the Creator. The entire room felt to be this presence and I felt so small in comparison, though this didn’t bother me.

I heard, “What do you want to know?” It was not a booming voice, just a regular, masculine voice coming from the direction of the book. I looked down at it and thought, “Nothing” but at the same time I wanted to be shown what I needed to know. Three sentences appeared in front of me and I knew to select one. They were all things I have done in life that I felt ashamed of. I picked one related to sexuality. The comment I heard in return is lost to me now but it was not judgmental.

Then the book’s pages morphed into a black vastness. In the center at a distance I could see two, tiny orange-gold spheres rotating around one another.

I turned away from the book and leaned against the bookshelf. The voice continued to talk to me. I only remember now that we talked about what I wanted to know and that I told him I already knew everything I wanted to know. The voice nudged me for more and I finally said, “I just want to go Home!” I was overcome with emotion, my entire core felt to spasm from it. The tears did not bring me to full awareness, though. What I remember most is the feeling of separation that comes with this body and the resulting homesickness. I’m glad the emotion did not break through to my waking consciousness.

While I was crying the voice continued to communicate with me. Mostly, my memory is of flashes of imagery. My spiritual progression in this lifetime was shown next to the progression of the man who I had just witnessed go into the library. His progression was a huge wave that peaked, fell off abruptly and evened out; he learned everything all at once it seemed. My progression was intermittent; composed of smaller, more steady, intense waves of growth that plateaued, looking like small mesas. I remember being told that my intermittent progression was purposeful so as to not overwhelm. I understood this but didn’t like hearing it because I knew I had further to go still and that meant longer in this body and in separation. To me, the man’s progression seemed better.

I do not know who the man was/is. My best guess is he is connected to me somehow, but how is unclear. I don’t remember seeing him, either.

Our communication began to bring me to full lucidity. I could feel the I AM presence and this heightened my awareness even more. The feeling is hard to describe. It was like I was being pulled into the energy, merging with it. The voice indicated that I should stay focused but just hearing that caused me to shift further into waking reality. I knew if I stayed I would be shown more, things that I needed to see/know. It felt like all of everything could be witnessed there in that place and that I had been about to enter into a merged state.

Ultimately, I wasn’t ready to Know. I think I fear what will be revealed. I came back to waking reality, a male guide close by. A song was going through my head:

The part I was hearing was, “I don’t wanna know, know, know, know…” and “the more I drink, the more I think about you.” This confirms that I am avoiding something. The part about drinking is likely pointing out to me that I have been having a nightly glass of wine for the last two weeks.

I lingered in bed a while, the image of the two, orange-yellow spheres in my mind. I wondered if they were two suns orbiting one another (binary). Maybe a system somewhere far away? Or maybe they represented something else? But what? Home?

Dream: Bus

I tried to return to the library but couldn’t. Instead I entered a dream where I was standing with my kids in a cul de sac. The bus (going along with the crowd) came and I got on but the driver drove away, leaving my kids at the bus stop (setbacks). I asked why and he said another bus would come get them. This upset me but I sat down next to a black man. The bus was so crowded that I had to sit very close and ended up leaning up against him. He wrapped his arm around me. I questioned this and was told he was just protecting me. So I leaned into him more.

As the bus drove away I pestered the driver to go back and get my kids. The other passengers were against this. The bus stopped for a long while not moving. I got very upset then and began yelling at the driver. He finally returned but my kids were not at the stop anymore.

I exited the bus to get them. The man who I’d been leaning against grabbed onto the back of my jeans (need to relax) and pulled them up as if to give me a wedgie. I told him to stop, that they weren’t meant to be worn that high.

I could see kids had returned to the building/school and somehow ended up in a swimming pool (cleansing) soaking their clothes. They even got their towels wet.

Message

When I awoke from this dream I was a little upset. I was reminded how important my family is to me. We just bought a new minivan and I saw it as evidence of my wanting to keep my children close.

Memories of the earlier Akashic library dream were still with me. The sense was that I had been very close to something big and had turned away from it. There was more discussion at this time. I only recall now that I was told I would be celebrating another birth-day soon. It seemed that every progression or wave on my spiritual journey is a birth like this and that another was approaching.

 

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We’re ALL Soul Family

When I woke up this morning the first thought that came to my mind was, “We’re ALL soul family!” Then, “Here I have been pining away for my soul family, asking to be reunited with them, and the universe has obliged perfectly because my Earth family IS my soul family. Duh. Duh.”

That’s how the Law of Attraction works, you know. You have to be very specific about what you ask for and you have to make sure your definitions are accurate. Ha! The Universe does not judge or analyze your requests. It just accepts your energy/thoughts/intention and gives you exactly what you ask for.

Then next thought that came to me was about the “mob” or “caravan” of people migrating toward the southern boarder of the U.S. My reaction to this initially was upset, even anger and then maybe even some fear. Yesterday, I recognized this was not in line with my heart; that love and compassion was needed, not anger or fear. This morning, rather than thinking of how the U.S. should go to the boarder and “defend” our nation against this “mob”, I was thinking, “We should focus on the source of this problem. We should do something about the injustices in the countries these people are fleeing.” I had not even gone to bed thinking about this situation, yet when I woke it was right there as if I spent all night discussing it.

This change all goes hand-in-hand with the idea that we are ALL soul family. There is no “Us” and “Them”. Will I be at the boarder welcoming these immigrants? Probably not, but I think rather than putting up a fight, the U.S. should quickly organize a processing center, line those people up, get them their visas and let those that qualify, through. Grant them asylum and then focus long and hard on their countries of origin.

If you don’t like my thinking, sorry, but I just don’t see how pushing back with the military is going to do any good in the long-run. The world is in desperate need of a reckoning and I would rather it come with cooperation than be forced into it. Wouldn’t you?

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Dreams

Interestingly, in my dreams I spent most of the night with my cell phone communicating with one particular member of my soul family who I am feeling out of communication with. The start of the dream was me texting this person and not getting any response. But I still texted them. Most of this part of the dream involved me talking to myself about whether to text them and was full of doubt and uncertainty.

Eventually, I was in another country visiting other soul family, many I have met in real life and connected with via the internet. I was taking video of a ceremony in which a woman was being connected (merged) with her totem animal – the hummingbird. This reminded me of my friend and I contemplated texting them but decided not to since they had not been responding to my other texts. I watched as a tiny hummingbird came to this woman and then this pink flash of light transformed them both.

Then I was driving through the mountains of Wyoming with my son. I had my phone and was taking photos and video. Again, I thought of my friend, but rather than text them I focused on my son because he was right there with me and wanted to be. Did my friend? Not likely or they would have been there, right? I said to my son, “Look how beautiful the mountains are! We are in Wyoming.” I knew the exact spot, too, right off the interstate on the way to Montana. I had driven the route so many times that that particular area was ingrained in my memory.

The dream shifted and I was in a mansion with the same friends I had been with at the hummingbird ceremony. Among them was Yvonne and Sophia. Everyone had just awakened and my friend Yvonne was trying to get breakfast organized. My friend David was there with the group and walked past as I talked to her. I suggested we order out and so we all climbed into separate vehicles to get food. I climbed into an SUV with a mother and her two children.

The scene shifted. There was this dark complected man I did not know yet in the dream we did know each other. We were introduced by his daughter who told me it was his birthday. I said, “Wow. Today’s your birthday? You have the same birthday as my mom (October 15th)!” Then I remembered that he had said his birthday was earlier in the month (October 5th) and now he was saying it was couple of weeks after that. It was as if the entire month of October was his birthday.  I asked him why and his daughter said, “He doesn’t like anyone to know.” I remember thinking about the astrological sign of Libra at this time, too, considering it’s traits and tendencies.

I decided to lay down on the sofa because I was getting a strong feeling from the dark complected man that was overwhelming to me. I cannot put my finger on just what the feeling was but I remember knowing he had an interest in me as well. While laying on the sofa I closed my eyes, trying to stave off the feeling. I could sense other men in the room, all of them with the same intention on me, as if I had these men vying for my attention. I didn’t like it.

When I woke this song was going through my head:

This song is in line with a theme I have noticed for last few months: Fire and Water. It seems to indicate that I am overcoming the Water (emotion), burning it away and being the Fire that I am. Taking back my power, perhaps?

Considerations

In reflecting upon my above dream, it confirms something I have always felt about relationships. If someone wants to be in my life, they will be. If they care about me, they will reach out and respond when spoken to (or emailed). They won’t leave me hanging or wondering. The people who are currently in my life are there not only because I want them to be in some way, shape or form, but also because they want to be.

In my dream, I finally gave up on contacting my friend because I realized I had, right in front of me, someone (my son) who wanted to be in my life, who loved me and enjoyed being with me. I felt needed, loved and wanted by him. I saw no point in continually reaching out to someone who did not reciprocate.

Relationships take both people. They a reciprocal, not one-sided. It is beneath me to over-extend myself only to be denied, blocked, rejected for who I am and what I have to offer. Just my continually reaching despite being denied says that I feel unworthy in some way; that I need something another has to offer in order to be my whole self.

I’m not sure about the end of the dream regarding the man with the birthday and the feeling that overwhelmed me. My best guess is that the entire month of October has been a “birthday” for me and others; a celebration of our birth, of new opportunities ahead.

 

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A Lesson on Aging

Interesting lesson for contemplation presented to me last night and upon waking.

Dream: Fishing

The dream began on the side of a road. I could see the white gravel (practicality) as I sat upon a very tall bicycle (seeking balance) adjusting the handles. Only they weren’t handles but a steering wheel (control of direction in life) as if from a car. The steering wheel was too high up and I knew it was that way because my husband had been “driving” my bicycle (letting my husband have control).

When I stopped I held up a group composed of an adult and several kids, mostly boys, all on bicycles. I watched as they went around me and pedaled on their way down the road.

When my bike was adjusted I rode a very short while and then stopped again, this time by a large pond. When I got off my bike my bare feet touched rough rock that poked at my tender feet (discomfort). This rock was also white but bigger than the pebbles of the previous road.

Gathered by the pond (reflection) were the kids (youth) from earlier all with fishing poles in their hands. A mother was helping her daughter adjust her pole discussing what kind of bait to use. For some reason I saw at water level a bunch of white, striped fish (ideas) in the water. I commented about them saying we had put them in the pond and that they could be used as bait.

Then I was fishing (delving into subconscious), too, and cast out into the dark water. I was high up on a rocky ledge with the others trying to position a chair (need to contemplate something) but it kept slipping. I looked for lower ground, noticing there were families on the other side of the pond at water level. I opted to stay put when I saw a girl nearby catch a fish. Not long after, I caught one.

My fish was small and greenish black (insight from subconscious, something’s “fishy”). When I grabbed it to remove the hook, part of its back fin fell off (misguided, lack of direction). I realized it was too small (not living up to potential) and decided to throw it back. As I tossed it in, part of a section of it’s side fell off. In the water it laid on its side, dead, blood (disappointment) in the water around it.

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Dream: Depressed Bathtub

This dream began inside a house (soul/self). I was in the bathroom (cleansing) showing a woman how to remove water that had overflowed. I poured it into a laundry basket (abundance). Despite the basket being full of holes the water did not leak out. I then picked up the basket and poured the water out and made sure to use towels to soak up any remaining puddles so that the water didn’t leak down to the first floor.

Then, I noticed a bathtub below me. It was on the left side (feminine) of the bathroom and another tub was on the right. The floor I was standing on angled down toward the tub on the left and there was a drain built into the side. I realized I hadn’t needed to remove or soak up the water. To get into the tub you had to climb down a porcelain ladder built into the tile wall. I thought it cool but then maybe slippery and dangerous, especially for someone getting up in age. I remember wanting to take a bath or shower in the tub just to experience it.

Dream: Sexual Dysfunction Group

In this dream I was with a couple but I only recall talking to the woman and never saw either of them. We entered into a large room with many older people inside. Their ages ranged from mid-40’s to 80’s or higher. Everyone was gathered there and I knew they came often to meet up, mingle and find partners. It was like a silver singles meet and greet or something like that. lol I soon realized that all of the people in attendance were struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction that kept them from experiencing sexual intimacy as it was intended.

As I was shown around I felt a bit out of place because of my age and also because I had no sexual dysfunction. I looked at all the “old” people and tried to keep out of my mind imaginings of them naked and having sex. It was not something I wanted to imagine! lol I remember joking that it was a “geriatric” sex group and thinking that “geriatric” applied to anyone over the age of 50.

Whoever I was talking to was asking me questions to dig deeper into how I was feeling and what I thought. I recall having an entire dream within a dream about being in a home and walking in on a man who had just exited the shower. He was older and completely naked. I turned before I could see anything, shielding my eyes and apologizing. He stood behind me completely naked and unashamed.

There was a discussion about supplementation that could help with sexual dysfunction. Someone pointed out a rack in the center of the room and told me that those who ordered supplements picked them up from the rack. I could see the bottles, all marked clearly with people’s names so that anyone and everyone knew what kind of supplements were being purchased and why. I said, “I would never buy supplements from here and pick them up there! I would get them on my own and have them delivered.” I made a joke about how I would only buy Evening Primrose Oil anyway. I obviously felt uncomfortable and judged despite no one seeming to notice or care.

At this time I sat down on a soft sofa on the edge of the room and kept to myself, watching everyone else mingle and looking closely at their varying ages and physical condition. The room was laid out with sofas along the walls where people could sit closely and talk. Many were connecting and everyone was at ease except me.

I remember knowing what kind of sexual dysfunction the people there had. For example, one man had erectile dysfunction and was buying up supplements to fix that. And there was a woman close to my age sitting nearby who was struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction. I think she couldn’t achieve orgasm. I felt sad for her being so young and struggling like that especially since she was one of the few younger people there. Seeing her made me feel even more out of place and I decided I for sure didn’t belong there!

Several men came and sat with me. One sat by me, grabbed my right hand and said, “That’s a nice one” and left. I looked down and saw a silver, marquis wedding ring but it was on the wrong hand. The one that lingered the longest had dark hair with streaks of gray in it that was somewhat long and disheveled. His body was lean and sinewy and the feeling coming off of him was intense and powerful. I pulled away, feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing he was checking me out as a potential partner while also feeling attracted to his powerful energy. He talked to me for a while but I only remember bits and pieces of our conversation. He was trying to get me to lighten up and stop being so judgmental/critical about “old” age. I knew he was in his 50’s and could not keep my thoughts from him. In fact, I think everyone there could hear everyone else’s thoughts. I think I called him “geriatric”, too, which was not nice but he didn’t take offense, just pointed out that I was only a decade younger than him (ha!).

During our conversation I shifted into a dimly lit scene. I believe I was inside a car but it was also a bicycle like in the first dream. Whatever we said caused me to feel very sensual and this is when the muted Kundalini entered the dream. What remains in my memory is a discussion about how older people can be sexual, too, and it is just as beautiful and erotic but can be much more intense and pleasurable because of the experience that comes with age. I think he was trying to convince me of this fact and he succeeded.

Biased

Not long after this I awoke with a warm feeling in my sacral and solar plexus. It was a nice feeling but not sexual. The man from the dream was still nearby and our discussion continued about age, sexuality and intimacy.

Our discussion brought to me a memory from last Sunday when I visited my Mom’s house. Her brother came for a visit and I remember thinking he looked really old. I realized he is 68 now and thought it sad that he had lost so much of his good looks. Yet he seemed happier than he’s ever been and was really pleasant as a result. He can very moody and serious (Scorpio). Still, though, it seemed a shame that his body was in such poor shape.

I suppose my reaction to my uncle spurred the dream and discussion. It is just a continuation from previous discussions I’ve had about growing older. Obviously, I perceive old age as unpleasant, limiting, and asexual. lol There are a lot of beliefs and judgments that need clearing such as: old people having sex is gross, old age brings limitation, old bodies are unattractive, old women “dry up”, old men have erectile dysfunction (lol), old people are senile, old people are useless, old people are a burden on society. OMG there are more even that that. 😦

There was discussion about my age and how I feel about it. I feel young still but close to losing what is left of my youthfulness. For some reason 50 seems to be the cut-off decade right now but I laugh because when I was really young, 30 was old and at one point 40 was old, too. LOL As a result of feeling my youth disappearing there is somewhat of a desperate feeling along with a sadness. I want to keep my youth but can’t. I don’t want to be old. I want my body to look like it does now. I am proud of my body and how well I’ve maintained it but at some point (my uncle is a good example) no amount of care and maintenance will stave off the deterioration that comes with old age. One day my body will likely resemble my Mom’s. What horror! lolol

Then I was directed to focus on the passion, fire and aliveness I’ve been experiencing with the Kundalini. Despite growing older I feel more alive and passionate than I ever have. I think it a shame that it came so late in my life. What a waste!, I think. This quote comes to mind:

George Bernard Shaw Quote: “Youth is wasted on the young ...

Then I was directed to the Kundalini, the fire and passion and bliss. Just remembering it brought the energy. It flooded my entire Being and I could not understand how I had gone so long in this life without ever experiencing it, without ever tapping into my own innate power. When I feel it, all I want is to remain within it, and feel propelled toward that single purpose. There is nothing else more important to me. The fact of this surprised me and I knew it would ultimately be the source of immense change in my life. But this Knowing didn’t scare me one bit.

I was asked to contemplate what I had been shown, to consider tossing my beliefs about old age and embracing the possibility that my life has just begun and does not have to be limited by the physical. I was asked to consider how I limit myself with these considerations; how I limit my potential and the potential of others. Just because I am growing older doesn’t mean I have to stop living.

In the end, it feels like someone in Spirit is guiding me to shift my perspective and has been for some time now. Whether this shift is ultimately meant to facilitate something else, is unknown, but I am suspicious. Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?