While at the cabin this weekend (Saturday night), I couldn’t sleep. After much time tossing and turning, eyes closed, trying to settle into sleep, I lay flat on my back and stared up at the ceiling. Superimposed over my vision I saw a small, black, snake slithering its way up my line of sight. Its tail was on fire, threatening to consume it. The fire actually looked like a lit fuse. Surprised, I blinked and then rolled over, shutting my eyes, trying to forget it.
Then, last night (Sunday night), there was another such vision. I had just crawled into bed, dead tired from lack of sleep the night before, and again my eyes were open. I saw the room, but superimposed over the top of it was a woman looking down at me, as if peering into the water at her own reflection. I could see her face, her wide eyes, her shoulders and even her fingers as they grasped the side of an invisible container, a container I was in! She was outlined in a ghostly, bluish white light, and all her features glowed with the light. There was no other color to her but that. That one gave me a little scare and I closed my eyes. When I reopened them, she was gone.
These come months after seeing an “apparition” swirling above me in bed while I was staying at my new cabin. And just recently the “UFO” lights I previously wrote about (last weekend).
So far I am not overly bothered by any of it except that it can cause further delay to sleep, which I dislike. It would probably be scary if there was some kind of communication with these visions, but so far there has been none. Hours prior to seeing the snake, however, I did hear someone whisper my name and say, “I’m so, so sorry.”
This is an in-your-face post about the 1-8 Channel of Melancholy in HD. This is my ONLY defined channel and, to make it that much more painful, it is half aware and half not.
I’ve researched and read as much as anyone can about HD to somehow try and figure out why I am the way I am. Pretty much everything I read makes the components of my design – Projector, Self-Projected, 1-8 Channel, wide-open design – all nice and pretty. I have not found even one post or article where the writer has said, “This design is the most difficult one to have. You really must have wanted a challenge when you selected it. Good luck! You’ll need it!”.
Your “special”. Your design is very “specific”. This is what the analyst said to me during my reading. Ha! She was trying to be nice but I could hear in her voice that she knew that my design was a curse. I could tell she was grateful that she did not have my design.
For those who may have forgotten, here is my bodygraph:
It may not seem that open, but just wait until you separate it into conscious and unconscious channels:
Personality = conscious. Design = unconscious. The two parts of myself do not know about the other. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is ONLY defined when the two parts come together. Our defined channels are what creates who we are. I only have one channel, one component that defines who I am, and I am half aware of it. Just ONE. That is it. The rest of me is open, but I prefer to say “empty” because that is how I feel. It makes perfect sense now why I have always felt this nothingness inside because – LOOK at my bodygraph – I AM EMPTY!
Below is what I wrote in my personal journal this morning. I am not really even sure why I was thinking about HD as it has not been on my mind. The truth is a hard pill to swallow (sayeth my guides).
I woke up thinking about my HD and how open I am. The only way I am going to ever feel complete, without this “void” within, is to do the one thing I do not want to do – interact with others. Why? Because my design IS a void! All I am is openness which translates to feeling this empty, void inside all.the.time. It is my reality. I know nothing else. I have no direction, no motivation, no nothing except long periods of not-Knowing and small, fleeting moments of sudden Knowing. Yet I desire to be alone and when I am around others I usually want to getaway from them very quickly. But the minute I get alone all I feel is empty, nothingness.
I have this deep desire to connect to a certain energy that “tastes” right to me. So I am always searching it out, but rarely find it. When I contact someone, I know straight away if their energy is correct for me. It is almost never correct. Yet, when I do find someone that is correct for me and interact wit them, perhaps getting into a relationship with them (friend, romance, etc), they tend to grab onto me until, at some point, I can’t take it anymore and am desperate to get away from them.
It’s a curse and it further proves that I, for some reason, desired to challenge (punish) myself this life. It is clear there will never be a time when I am not empty inside. That is who I am: empty. Just look at my HD bodygraph! Look how empty I am!
I also woke upset that those romantic connections that truly “tasted” correct all turned their backs on me in the end. One in particular had a very nicely defined HD bodygraph. It is okay. His design makes him full inside (very defined compared to me). He has no need for me, “this empty shell of melancholy who very seldom Knows anything of value for very long” (in quotes because I’ve decided this sums up who I am very nicely).
I find it funny that when I got my HD reading the analyst decided to use the word “special” to describe my very specific design. Ha! She was trying to be nice, to make the curse seem like a blessing. No way is this a blessing! I’m empty inside. I have no drive or purpose that is inherent in my design. I’m never going to fit in (Projector). I’m sad all the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? I don’t even want to be around me!
The thing that is really upsetting is that the ONLY way I am going to feel somewhat alive is to be in contact with others. If I remain alone, the only thing I will feel is empty. If I want to stay away from others and their tendency to make a slave out of me and not see me (which is 95% of them) then I have to be okay with feeling empty, nothingness all the time. Apparently, the nothingness inside, which is composed of that (beautiful?) melancholic feeling I’ve come to hate so, is the one and only way for me to find my (supposed) creative genius that leads to those limited “ah-ha” moments of Knowing. When I am in that Knowing I feel successful, powerful….ALIVE. Sigh. But it never lasts. Never. And really the only thing I desire in life is for that feeling to last. Is that too much to ask?
The curse is that I need others but also need to be alone at the same time. I am a walking conundrum.
Stayed at the cabin alone two nights ago. That night I struggled to sleep, though. Around midnight something caused me to open my eyes. I saw a light near the top of the left side of the room. It reminded me of car headlights passing by. The light showed the pattern of the upper windows. Surprised and not knowing what would cause such a bright light up high, I thought perhaps someone was outside with a flashlight. The light went away only to come back again moments later. This got me up and out of bed. By the time I stood up though, the light was gone. I ran to the window to check. No one was there. I looked in the front of the house and out of all the windows. Nothing. Just a quiet night.
I was so unsettled I couldn’t sleep, worrying there were people driving on my land or worse. The light being so up high didn’t match any logical scenario that played through my head. The only thing that made sense was that some aircraft was hovering above the house and flashed a spotlight down at the house which went through the top windows of the bedroom.
The first dream was of me and my best friend from HS. We were walking outside at night and she was being like she was in HS – very dismissive. I was telling her that I liked how she was when she was dating her boyfriend and also how she use to make up stories and songs, etc. She replied nastily that she hated when she was like that.
What I recall the most was how I was trying to persuade her to still be that person and, as a result, my friend.
I don’t remember much else from that dream.
Dream: Alaska
I was sitting at a long, rectangular table with others (my council). Somehow I knew I was in Alaska (cold, desolate, isolated). The people with me appeared to be native Alaskans (teachers), all except me. One of them asked me if I would be interested in teaching in Alaska at their school. I said only if I got to leave when it got cold and the long, dark days took over. In my mind I was thinking the month of October.
A woman approached me to serve me some food. She had a casserole dish with what reminded me of enchiladas except the enchiladas were twice the size they should be. I asked what it was and she said “grubs” (negative thoughts/emotion/experience). Carefully inspecting the large, stuffed, white, tubular grubs, I was immediately grossed out and politely told her I didn’t eat such things. There was another dish that was obviously some kind of shredded beef (happy times) and I pointed to it saying I could eat that.
They told me the class they wanted me to teach was economics. I thought about it and was uncertain if I should teach a class I’ve never taught. I was asked about my financial situation. I told them it was not an issue and “much better than last time”, which I felt relief in saying. They seemed happy to hear this. I remember being very thoughtful about the situation of becoming a teacher in Alaska. I had thoughts of the last time I was there and considered living through the harsh winter again because it suddenly seemed not so bad in hindsight.
Finally, I noticed everyone looking in my direction, their plates empty. Then a fork full of food was shoved in my face. I pushed it away. Then they all began to shove forks full of food into my mouth. I stood up and said, “I can’t eat that much! Look at me.” They looked as I turned sideways for them to see. “I’m skinny. I can’t digest that much all at once.” The forks of food stopped and their faces showed understanding.
This is where the dream ended.
Considerations
When I woke I lingered, my thoughts immediately going to the dream with my friend from HS. Many memories of how she treated me came forward. These memories have come forward to inspect many times before. I was able to see just how shocked I really was by the mistreatment. She was very dismissive and at times even mocked me in front of her groupies while I responded without upset as if deserving of her mistreatment. I realized, after all the memories had passed, that she didn’t have the courage to just tell me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. Instead, she chose to mistreat me and hopefully I would get the message. I only got the message after we graduated and she dissed me at the college we both decided to attend together. By that point it was crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with me.
I was able to observe enough through the memories to realize that she was the last person I had actually been myself with, fully vulnerable and open. After her mistreatment, I withdrew into myself, constructing walls around myself to protect myself from harm.
I was also able to see that my effect upon people, then and even now, caused major discomfort. Why? Because I can see straight into their very Being (Projector) and most are not comfortable with themselves, much less someone who can see the very flaws they are trying to hide. It is a select few who can accept me – thus, accept themselves.
The feeling when this happens is hard to describe but I touched upon it with each memory of rejection. I feel uncomfortable (their discomfort), and awkward (their awkwardness) and then want to retreat as far as I can away from them (they want to get away from me). Other times I feel upset or anger – the emotion varies depending on the person. My almost completely open design (HD) causes me to mistakenly think that what I am feeling is all me. It isn’t. It is them. Their rejection is a rejection of themselves.
I tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. I had become upset by all the memories, especially the rejection by my friend from HS. I know now why I didn’t get angry or vengeful or bitter when she rejected me. I knew her treatment of me was a reflection of her own inner struggle and I loved her enough to allow her to go through it, even if it meant I would be hurt in the end. She confirmed my Knowing in an apology to me much later, when in our twenties.
The most upsetting was thinking just how seldom I meet someone and feel completely comfortable and at ease. It is extremely rare. I began to cry considering how difficult it has been to have that effect on people. Now that I am older, I no longer try to hide what I see inside people. I just let it show all over my face and reject them before they can reject me. I carry with me the message “leave me alone” and it is purposeful. I would rather just….not.
With this, my guidance sent me a vision. It was complete darkness and at the very end, as if a tunnel, was a tiny, extremely bright, white light. I heard, “Look for the light.” I knew this was a suggestion that instead of being overwhelmed by the darkness of the people I encounter to look for their light. They all have it. This is how I use to be, back before this world turned me cynical and bitter.
Or it could be a message to look for the light in general.
As for the Alaska dream, I think it is symbolic of the time I actually lived in Alaska and the dark, cold winters I hated while there. It was pretty bad and the only time I actually really considered suicide. Like another recent dream, there was a rectangular table which I’ve come to recognize as my council. If my council is around it means a critical situation is at hand. The grubs for food are symbolic of some issue or negative emotion(s) I am rejecting. Me teaching is likely my council reminding me of lessons I have or have had. Economics is probably symbolic of my financial state and a lesson to be learned there as well. The force feeding could be that I feel overwhelmed. As a result, I ask for more time to “digest”.
The shredded beef dish in the meal symbolizes positive thoughts and dreams, happiness and contentedness. Of course, who wouldn’t want that to eat?
Slept in later than usual. Prior to bed I request that my guides show me what I needed to know.
Dream: Politics
Had a dream where I was at a movie and suddenly the lights came one and everyone was leaving and replaced by a new group. It reminded me of changing classes at a university. I lingered a bit and then left as I saw Obama walk in. I hesitated and then went outside. I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk to him or not. He seemed to intuit that and paused when I walked by him, turning toward me as if to say something.
There were some people mingling about and a long, rectangular table with older people sitting at it. I remember talking to several people about politics. I told them how I voted for Obama but generally voted Republican. Then I remember predicting what would happen with US politics. I explained how, very slowly, the two parties would switch sides. I mentioned the Wigs and Tories as an example. I described myself as a moderate and brought up my best friend from HS and how her dad is what shaped her political views.
As I was finishing the conversation I noticed my grandmother was standing there. I called her my great, great grandmother, but she was just my grandmother. I hugged her really tightly and started to cry which woke me up.
I fell back to sleep.
Dream: Bug-Eyed Monster
This time I had a dream at my grandparent’s underground house. My mom was sitting on the sofa and we were talking about her will. She explained it would not be like I thought and I was okay with that. Somehow her will and my grandmother’s will got intertwined and it felt normal in the dream. Mom’s will said everything had to be sold (pretty much true) and she was explaining that like I didn’t already know, again warning me that all would not go as planned, specifically that the split would leave very little for each of her children. I was again okay with it.
Then I began walking on the family land only it appeared different. There were what appeared to be pillars of sand-mountains spotting the landscape. It was eerily other-worldly. There was a circular pond full of water. Mom was with me and we were still talking. We lingered by the pond and I put my hand in it. A bug eyed fish came up. It had a huge, smiling mouth. It opened it’s mouth and I put my finger in and then played with it awhile. It seemed to like me. I showed my mom and moved to another area and tapped the water’s surface. My mom warned me not to and pointed. There was a HUGE version of the bug eyed fish that popped up. It’s mouth wide, it took up the entire length of the circular pond. In it’s mouth were sharp teeth. I freaked out and realized I needed to warn my younger sister. She somehow appeared on the other side of the pond swimming in some shallower water. She was very muscular and had on clothing like she was part of a obstacle course gameshow. She was ignoring me and rolling her eyes. I finally got her to listen so she jumped up and ran over to the pond with the monster in it. To my horror, she gave me a “I’ll show you” look and purposefully jumped in and began to swim across. The monster came to the surface but she didn’t see it, it’s gaping mouth slowly coming to view underneath her. She reach the side, turned around, and began to swim right for it’s huge mouth. I yelled at her right as a huge tooth touched her knee. She quickly turned back to shore and got out.
I guess she realized I had saved her life and so she was much more open to talking to me. We chatted but she kept up her facade, pretending to hate me and not looking directly at me. I complimented her on her physique. She was super muscular, especially her arms and abs. I asked her how many calories she was eating, saying, “I bet you eat around 2000 a day”. She nodded. I happily shared my weekly strength training workout with her. I told her I recently realized why I wasn’t gaining the muscle I wanted. It was because I charted my calories for a couple of days and was averaging around 1600.
I woke not long after thinking about my family – grandmother, mom, and younger sister.
Considerations
It surprised me that I had such emotion seeing my grandmother. I did not feel so emotional when she was alive. When I hugged her it was like I was relieved to have someone who understood me. The politics topic of the dream was likely related to how upset I get sometimes when I see how split the American public is becoming. Sometimes I have to distance myself from it all just to keep myself from getting too polarlized.
My mom and I discussing the will was curious to me. Though I don’t recall specifics, it seems like she was explaining that things would not go as I assumed they would after her passing. I was and am okay with it. I think our discussion brought my younger sister into the dream. She has estranged herself from the whole family with her most recently blocking my mom because she voted for Trump. My mom was going to write her out of the will and I suggested she wait until her emotions stabilized and reminded her that she loved my sister. She opted not to take her out of the will.
Symbolically, I think the pond fish and later monster are symbolic of some hidden emotional upset that threatens to “kill” family ties. Since it is my sister who seems to taunt the monster and then gets out in the nick of time because of my warning, I suspect my younger sister will create issues with the will. She lives in CA and barely scrapes by. Half the year she is a ski instructor and half the year she does odd jobs while drawing unemployment. She is very liberal and opinionated. She is now in her mid-forties and I suspect she is finding it challenging to live like she always has. I suspect when my mother dies whatever money is left to us, her children, will result in some green-eyed monsters, especially for those who feel they desperately need the money. I already went through this when my dad died and learned my lesson. I will not fight for whatever scraps remain when my mom dies but I don’t have much faith that either of my sisters will remain sane during that time. Both have unresolved issues with our mom and will be forced to reconcile one way or the other.
I find it interesting that when I ask to be shown what I need to know that I have dreams that meet that request. I am not sure why I need to know about politics other than my tendency to get upset when I read or see news. On the other hand, I can definitely see how my mom’s passing could result in hidden, emotional monsters waking up. I haven’t seen my youngest sister in almost 20 years. I have always told my mom that she will come back at some point. I hope it isn’t my mother’s funeral that prompts her return. I would rather she come sooner, for our mom’s sake.
I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.
Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.
This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.
This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.
After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending.
I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life.
Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..
I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!
Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol
It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?
I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation.
I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again.
This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.
I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before.
Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??
Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.
Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon.
I wish I had written the dreams prior down, but I didn’t. Instead, I just recall that when I woke a message was spoken to me in the in-between. The message lingered even after I returned to sleep. It was persistent enough that I finally made a note of it so I could return to sleep without interruption. It was just now, several days later, that I saw it in my notes: Reincarnation Amalgamation.
Upon seeing the message I laughed. Not only does it have a nice ring to it (rhyme) but it seems significant. Is this message just for me or for everyone? I honestly don’t know so I am sharing it in case it rings true for others.
Perhaps the message goes along with some of my current life changes? Yesterday, for example, I went to the DMV to get my name changed on my driver’s license. It was the first time I signed my new name and it felt really good. The name itself is not new, really. I’ve been using Dayna for over two decades, ever since my guidance told me straight out that Dayna was my name. However, changing it legally finally rids me of a name I’ve not ever really felt any affinity for – my first name specifically. I kept my middle name. It has never been an issue for me and it didn’t feel right to eliminate it altogether. It symbolizes a lifetime lived up until this point at least. My last name was chosen by me years ago – Stone. It replaced my married name, which has been a difficult one mostly because of how it is spelled and pronounced. No more spelling it out letter by letter. Yay! My old married name also symbolizes a group I no longer want to be associated with, not just that the name was my ex’s.
My next step is the Social Security office. I have an appointment next week. Then, well, I guess I get to change my name everywhere that is left, a process I am sure will take some time but will be well worth it.
But, back to the message….
Reincarnation = rebirth, to be born anew into a new form such as a physical form (or consciousness).
Amalgamation = the action or process of uniting or merging two or more things.
If I take the message reincarnation amalgamation as a personal message meant for just me, then it means I am undergoing a transformational process in which I am taking my past “lives” and merging them into a new one. In this lifetime I have felt to have lived two previous lives up until now. I call them lives because when I look back upon my many years in this body, I perceive two distinct “me’s”.
The first “me” I no longer even identify with in any way to the point that she feels not to have been me at all! This would be the first part of my life, from birth until late twenties or so (Saturn Return). This version of me had very little to no spiritual experiences. She was naive and afraid, making many fear-based decisions.
The second, the one I feel I am in the midst of leaving behind, is more present and real to me; however, I believe she will one day feel as foreign to me as the first. She’s the one who underwent tremendous spiritual transformations, OBEs, Kundalini, etc. She is also the one who got married and started a family.
Who is this third me? I do not know. I have no idea whatsoever. All I know is that she started with a divorce and a name change. What is to come next is a mystery. Perhaps she will be a mix of the two, as the message suggests? In the past, the not knowing would have driven me crazy, but now I honestly don’t have the energy to bother with that. I honestly don’t care.
I prefer to put my attention on the beautiful space I have created – a new home, a new garage in process, the 10 acre property with pond and wildlife. I spend more time on me, on my own peace of mind and on gratitude for what I have been given.
Speaking of all that, here are some more pictures. 🙂 The skirting on the house is finished and the garage frame is going up. I also included a pic of the beaver lodge located on the adjacent pond (neighbor’s) and some local cows.
Had a dream the other night that has a message that has been on my mind.
In the dream, there was a bright red crawdad (crayfish). I had leaned over to get something and my hair cascaded down near it. The crawdad grabbed onto my hair and climbed up onto my head. I freaked out and began screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” while trying to grab it but then shying away from it. I remember worrying it would sting me and feeling like it would be a very bad thing if it did. Someone was there trying to help me get it out of my hair but I woke before it was taken out.
It took me a whole day to finally look it up because I had a feeling it was not something I wanted to hear (thus wanting it off my head and thinking it would sting me in the dream). And yes, the message was that I need to shed my old skin and let go of the old to make way for the new. It also is telling me to pay attention to my dreams. I think the crawdad being in my hair is also meaningful. Hair represents strength and growth. The crawdad being in my hair is reminding me that, to grow, one must shed the old, which can sometimes be very painful. The fact that the crawdad was red may also be significant. It could symbolize anger, aggression, and even passion. I think in this instance it was power and new beginnings. I experience fear from these things in general.
Since our divorce was finalized on the 22nd of January, my ex has been very nice and accommodating. Our relationship is better than ever and it has led us to fall back into old patterns and behaviors. These behaviors are more like they were early in our relationship, not like the last few years. For example, he had a dozen roses delivered to me for Valentine’s Day. We are acting more married and loving than in a long time. It is just habit and it is hard to end old habits when in such close proximity. He is still in the house when I am staying there, something I’ve asked him to remedy. I’ve spoken with him about it, reminding him that we are divorced and should be planning for our new, single lives – apart.
Until just recently all the bills were still in my name. I have since cancelled service and transferred what I could. This upset him but they are his bills, not mine, and late payment would impact my credit, not his, if left in my name. Tomorrow he asked me to help him call all the utility providers to set up service in his name. He has little to no experience with financial matters but he has to step up now and I think he is a bit unsure of himself.
My SIL has been threatening to sue my ex for “divorce fraud”. LOL But then she was very angry at the time. She won’t do it, it’s just a hollow threat to get his attention (even if she did it has no standing). She is mostly upset as a part-owner in the company because I will be getting monthly payments soon and she thinks I am stealing from the company. She doesn’t really understand the arrangement I don’t think. The money is from my ex, not her or the company, it just comes from the company as his portion owed to me. Anyway, I think she has a point (re: the fraud part) and I told him as much. He just laughed it off.
It is easy to get caught up in what is comfortable and familiar. I think the crawdad is correct – it is time for me to shed my old skin – but I struggle because so much of my life is tangled up with my ex and my position working at the family company. I enjoy my job, especially the WFH aspect. I don’t know what to replace it with were I to resign. I have no issue walking away from his family but walking away from my ex will be hard. He is good at reeling me in – we are good parent partners and get along really well as friends. I am not one to hold grudges or hang onto stupid upsets. I wish sometimes I was because it would make this easier.
Wow, what a night! I had a 3 hour OBE, something that hasn’t happened to me in years.
I woke up at 3am crying from a dream. The dream was of similar themes to dreams I’ve had in the past. I was all dressed up in formal wear with a group of people I know from my life currently (ex, his family mostly). The event reminded me of prom. We entered what reminded me of my old high school except it was a bit different with a metal detector type thing we had to walk through and iris scans of the eyes (lol). I was in a super good mood and very talkative. I noticed they were not interested in what I was saying, some of them looking annoyed. We all mingled together waiting for the other guests to arrive. I mentioned something I was considering. I said I wanted to get a personalize license plate that read “EWW PPL”. LOL – I had been talking about this the day before with my kids. Everyone looked at me like they were completely bored and disinterested, some annoyed. Finally, my ex-BIL laughed half-assed to try and make me feel better. No one joined him and he stopped as he felt their critical eyes on him.
Feeling very unwanted, I excused myself to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and cried while thinking of all the similar times the exact scenario played out in my life with boyfriends, partners, friends and family. I am good one-on-one with them but as soon as I am in a group they are embarrassed by me and later say, “Why did you have to say that?” or “Why do you embarrass me like that?” or other similar comments. They are happy to be my friend/partner when we are one-on-one but when in groups I become an issue for them.
I got off the toilet and there was a big turd in it (LOL – symbolic of relieving myself of a burden) and as I flushed it I struggled to pull up my hose. I wiped my tears with TP and as I tossed it I saw more crap in the trashcan (I noted its meaning in the dream). As I turned around the bathroom door was gone and a man was standing there looking at me. I was still pulling up my hose but didn’t care if he saw. He asked me, “Are you okay? Why are you so quiet?” I woke up, tears still in my eyes.
The dream is a reflection of my life for sure as is the last part where the guy was suddenly concerned about why I was so quiet. If I am talkative and attempt to blend in with the group, I am embarrassing and get scolded. If I am quiet then everyone is suddenly worried about me. I can’t win!
I couldn’t go back to sleep at first. I remembered a boyfriend I had years ago who was the exception to the above scenario. I felt bad for the way things ended with us. He was the only one out of so many boyfriends and friends who validated who I was and valued my contributions.
OBE
I asked to go OOB but didn’t think it would happen. I lingered in the in-between for a while thinking of the dream. Suddenly, I felt vibrations and was like, “OMG, vibrations!” (haven’t felt them in a while). I got too excited and lost them but rolled over and was OOB that easily.
I was in my grandparent’s old underground house. It looked like it did when I was young. On the sofa were my two boys. I went over and tapped one on the head. We interacted a bit but I can’t recall what we did. I remember how bright the kitchen was and noted the old gold linoleum, cabinets and countertops. I headed for the door and went out, flying up and hovering over the driveway which was dirt and not paved like it is now. I felt an unseen force begin to pull me backwards and I blacked out a bit. I decided to start singing and regained my vision. I was singing, “Amazing Grace” but sang it with different notes. I flew up over the barn and other parts of the farm. It was dark with a clear sky of stars.
At some point I returned to my body but immediately exited again. I found myself back in the house but this time it was a bedroom and bathroom. It looked like my mom’s room. It was a complete mess and I realized it was a reflection of her inner self. I began to pick up dirty clothes in an attempt to help/heal her. I took a pile to the laundry shute but it was different than real like, opening like a drawer. I put the pile in and it spilled out, old panty liners piled on top. I remember being surprised by the panty liners, they were all clean. The bathtub was next and was full of old, stagnant water. I attempted to drain it but it was clogged. I tried to stop the dripping but it was stuck. The tub was also round and yellowing from old age, not at all like reality.
I came back to my body briefly and then exited straight away. This time I was back in the living room of the old house. A young boy ran past and my boys yelled at him. I followed and found him in the bathroom. I said something to him and he gave me his shoes, the soles were coming off. I told him to get some glue sticks from the kitchen, which he did. I glued them on. He was a little black boy.
I went outside again and flew up into the air. I asked for clarity and assistance and felt the force again but it only turned me around. So I flew around some more enjoying the brisk night air and freedom of flight. I recall asking to see the galaxies above but when I tried to go higher I was stopped.
Again, I briefly returned to my body and then went out again. This time my mom was there. I mentioned her dirty room and how I tried to clean it. I explained that she should be concerned as it is a reflection of her spiritual state. Her response was that she no longer cared if things were messy. I understood. I told her I would help but she didn’t seem interested in changing anything.
After this I decided to wake up. I felt rested and comfortable when I came to my body. No issues whatsoever with shifting back like irregular heart beat or an off feeling like I sometimes get.
Had two accidental WBTB (wake back to bed) induced OBEs. Woke up just before 5am wide awake. Got up, had a drink, visited the bathroom and then went back to bed but didn’t fall asleep for a while.
OBE: Floating Out
I was having a dream about my daughter’s friend needing a tire. I remember wondering why she would need a tire when she didn’t have a car, much less a drivers license yet. This may have been what caused me to come to body awareness, but I don’t remember.
The next thing I recall is being in bed laying on my back. I feel subtle energy vibrations but am not sure I can exit. I attempt to sit up and it feels too heavy like being pulled back into body. I get the idea to try to float out. I tell myself, “Float”. My legs start to float up and there is a distinct awareness that I have two bodies. I have never tried this technique before and am thrilled that it works. As soon as my torso starts to rise, I float all the way out.
I fly towards the bedroom door but don’t recall the journey there. I seem to shift into another scene immediately. I am in a house where there seems to be a house party in progress. I am face to face with two men talking, both are holding glasses and look directly at me. I say. “Well hi there” (not like me at all). The blonde man on the right puts down his glass and pulls me towards him. He open mouth kisses me sloppily. It was not pleasant so I pull away and start to leave. For some reason I pause and turn around. I tell him I’ll show him my boob (LOL no idea why). I turn and start taking of my shirt but it won’t come off. The men try to help. It won’t budge. I notice my physical heart pounding erratically. I come back into my body.
OBE: I Want to Feel It All
I’m in a dream with my boys but they are both much younger. I recognize I’m dreaming and attempt to leave my body but again am not certain I can without waking. This time I am laying in my stomach but in the dream I am laying on my side. I end up standing up and walking right through my son’s leg. I fly up to a second floor where there is a party. I can hear a familiar voice above the crowd. I ignore the voice and continue outside going through double glass doors.
Outside it is a clear night. The stars are bright and there are lights from other houses. I say aloud, “Show me what I need to see”. I fly higher as I say this, looking down at the scene below. Then I feel a force pulling me backwards very swiftly. As I am being pulled I sense that if I go with it, I will be pulled through what looks like iron bars. This doesn’t phase me. Considering what to do, I remember that singing helps raise my vibration. So, I start singing and the force stops immediately. I fly up and soar as I sing. I end up flying through a city. The city had a lot of cobblestone and old buildings. I remember the words to my song were questions and answers. Questions like, “Why am I here?” The answer I sang, “I want to feel it all!”
At one point I saw some people dining outside. A young blonde woman was dining alone. I flew up to her and gently touched her face. I told her she was beautiful in my song. Until I touched her she seemed not to see me. Once I touched her, she looked right into my eyes and acknowledged me. Then I went and flew to a guy sitting at another table. I sat in his lap and kissed him on the cheek. I recall both of their faces vividly.
I kept singing but had thoughts that my boys from the dream would notice I wasn’t there. Then I remembered the boys were in a dream and my body was asleep in bed. I felt for my body to check in on it. All was well. So I kept on flying and singing.
I turned to see the blonde woman from before. She walked up to me, smiled and said, “I want you to close your eyes”. I said, “If I do that, I’ll wake up”. She seemed to accept my answer. She asked me. “What brings you here?” We started walking together. I said, “I’m out of my body and just visiting”. I remember noticing my answer and thinking it unexpected. I’ve never said that while OOB. As we were walking I felt myself slowly being pulled back to my physical body. The last thing I saw was the woman’s head as she was about to walk into a low hanging wall. Her head went right through it.
Living Life in Between 