Category Archives: consciousness

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Recall: A Goal of My Higher Self

2/10/26 

My mind was oddly blank. I heard, “So what is next?” I answered, “I guess it’s time to find another man.” This really made feel deflated inside because there was a Knowing I planned it that way. I wondered why I couldn’t be more self-sufficient or Self-motivated – pave my own distinctive path? Unexpectedly I heard myself say, “That is why I chose to be female because it makes it easier to be passive when I tend to want to dominate”. 

It felt so True when I said it to myself and I Know it is exactly why I chose a female form. I remember the reality of being female hitting me around age 10 when my breasts started forming. I really dreaded becoming a woman. Back then I thought it was just because of how  women are treated, but it was more that it had to do with the position it put me in and its overreaching purpose in my life.

Funny but being passive does not seem easier at first but there is Knowing that if I had been male my goal would’ve been extremely difficult to achieve. 

Is this what I am here to learn? How to gracefully allow others to shine while I bow out? I see a visual of me bowing and motioning away from myself as if to say, “Your turn”, acknowledging that others are as worthy as I am rather than stealing the spotlight and accolades for myself.

Is it possible that I am here to build up others instead of myself and in doing so learn the value in doing so? To be an unseen hero in the lives of those I’ve overpowered or stomped out in previous incarnations?

If so, then I have failed in doing so for those closest to me and for that I am truly sorry. 

Motherhood most definitely assists me in that goal at least! And being a Projector has also! Oh damn!! I can see how I planned these aspects of my chart to complement my goals. 

It is clear to me this goal is part of an overall plan of many lifetimes to work on my character. It is specifically to “even it out” so as to not be more dominant or more passive but somewhere in the middle. I have tended towards a more dominant nature and would like to “correct” that about myself. As I type this an analogy comes to mind. It is like perfecting a “recipe”, adding and taking away ingredients and doing taste tests along the way until the final dish tastes exactly right. It is truly about my own goals to perfect myself based upon what I view as perfect. I can also see how very slow the progress has to be. It is not all done in one lifetime but over the course of many. I don’t know exactly how many. I believe I have already lived quite a few with this goal in mind because I have recollection of them. If I were to try to force too much character change into one lifetime it would backfire.

I wish I could relay how truly amazing it was to recall this about myself. Now, as I type it out nearly 24hrs later, it seems almost pointless to document.

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I Finally Feel It

On the drive to my cabin this morning I felt it…the feeling of wanting to continue to live this life as long as possible.

Woah. 

The wild part is just how different it feels from how I usually feel. The feeling comes with absolutely no expectation. It doesn’t involve another person, either. <——-This is HUGE for me. It is simply wanting to live in order to see what is next, full of curiosity and interest. In that moment, in my mind I saw a page turning. It’s the feeling one gets when reading a really good book they can’t put down. That is the feeling. 

Prior to this feeling I was mulling over the idea of joining a community choir. I love to sing, so why not? I also thought of my daughter and how proud I am of her. I thought of my boys, too, and how I couldn’t wait to witness them grow into adults. I got teary eyes thinking of it. And that is when it hit me – I want to keep living. 

I got to my cabin thinking, “I don’t want this feeling to ever go away.” And I don’t. Is this why people cling to life so desperately? If so, I can finally say I understand. 

And yes, I know what awaits me on the Other Side of this life. I haven’t forgotten. But, like a good dream, I think I might want to sleep a bit longer….just a little bit. To explore a little longer.

God please let this feeling last. Please. 

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One and the Same

“The Nagual woman and don Juan found completeness and silence in each other’s company. Don Juan said that the feeling they had for each other had nothing to do with affection or need; it was rather a shared physical sense that an ominous barrier had been broken within them, and they were one and the same being.“

From: The Eagle’s Gift, by Carlos Castaneda

When I read the above quote, I recognized the feeling described – “one and the same being”. I have had this with another. It is perfection; Divinity.

I still think fondly on that brief experience and wonder if it will ever repeat. Union feels to be why I am here; my purpose. So, if that is the case, why did it only happen once? Was the timing incorrect? Was I not ready?

Then I think back to the other connection I had not long before that last one. Interestingly, I now feel nothing for the person I often called my twin flame, heart connection, divine counterpart. Nothing.  When I think back on that time it feels alien to me. It doesn’t feel like it was me experiencing it.

So it turned out to be true what my guidance repeatedly told me – Time heals all wounds. Be patient with yourself and Allow. 

The last dream I had with him in it was not long ago. I woke feeling very sad and somewhat angry at the way our meeting and inevitable farewell went this lifetime. I suppose it was better than other lives. I didn’t kill myself at least! If I try and rekindle any of the feelings I experienced long ago, I can’t. Instead, my soul yearns for that experience of Oneness to repeat. It reaches out from deep inside me, calling.

I Know the man with whom I felt a heart connection is now distracted – immersed – in another. It is a more “normal” relationship, one he can better tolerate. There isn’t anything overpowering or compelling about it. It is comfortable and much more suited to him and his present position in life. Sadly, a previous unfinished lesson will play out again regardless of his sense of preparedness. It is written in his blueprint and part of his karmic cycle. He is destined to be burned and left wondering, yet again, what happened and what he did wrong.

I can see clearly now how his lessons and path did not align with my own. His deeply hidden secrets, those he was so terrified I would see, would have destroyed our relationship before it had even begun. He never knew I Knew. I saw what he was hiding all along. His inability to see came at a cost and that cost was Us.

What was he so afraid of? Himself. His magnificent, divine, masculine self. 

When all I desired was to be One with him, it was never to be. I couldn’t have been One with someone not already One with themselves.

So the pages turn and my story continues. What will happen next? IDK but it feels ominous. Perhaps that is a good thing considering the quote above? 

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A Waking Life “Dream” Interpretation

I was thinking last night about my day and how, at certain points, there were incidents that reminded me very much of dreamtime. I wondered, “What if I did a dream interpretation of my waking life? What would it look like?” 

So, I’m going to try it and see what the symbolism says about my waking hours. 🙂

As with any dream, there are not-so-lucid moments and more lucid moments. Therefore, I will focus on the symbolism in the more lucid moments because they would be what I determine to be significant in my dreams.

My “Dream” Day

Most of my day is a blur with me going through my morning routine and work schedule as normal. It’s amazing just how insignificant most of my day is in my memory.

I had to go into work to cut checks (strong financial future). I do this weekly and it is nothing out of the ordinary. However, lately, the printer has been acting up (difficulty communicating wants/needs) so that when I print checks, two will stick together and ruin the whole batch. So, I end up printing three checks at a time, going much slower than usual in order to try and resolve the issue. Unfortunately, the printer still messes up and I end up wasting four or five checks. Finally, fed up with the problem, which has been going on for weeks, I talk to our office manager and ask her to work on fixing the issue, which can be done easily with some heavier weighted paper. I briefly wonder to myself why it took me so long to do something about the printer issue when it was so simple. 

My daughter calls me right as I am leaving the office to come pick her up at school because she is done with testing. I ask if she wants me to get her before or after I go to the grocery store (seeking nourishment). She doesn’t respond until I am already at the store, so I go in before picking her up. I shop and get in line. I notice a man holding a huge bag of tomatoes (prosperity, new phase beginning) is behind me. I have a ton of stuff so tell him to go ahead of me. He is grateful.

After picking up my daughter I head home, check my work email and do my exercise. While exercising, I am feeling really good and have more energy than I have had in a while. So, I get on my rower to row 3000m. While rowing my mind is blank and I go into a meditative state. When this happens, I see the meters counting down (a countdown is commencing) – 1978 down through 1890’s. As the numbers countdown I have this idea that I am traveling backward in time, watching my own birthdate, my sister’s, my mom’s, my grandmother’s and even a past life. I think of how only certain era’s feel real to me (the 1900-2000’s) and wonder why this is. I answer my own question with, “It’s because life back then (pre-1900’s) was so very different to life now.” And, indeed, I feel this discomfort with pre-1900s and wonder why that is. Why is it uncomfortable? I consider how time is fluid and how, with just a thought, we as spiritual beings can move backward and forwards, just like I was doing in that moment, watching the numbers on my rower countdown to zero. 

I decide to go on a walk but find my watch’s GPS (feeling no purpose/direction) is sluggish and doesn’t turn on until a half mile into my walk. I get somewhat irritated by this but eventually decide it doesn’t matter and that is when the watch’s GPS comes online. I realize then that I am walking for the wrong reasons and so head home early (reasons for walking – focusing on recording my miles, trying to “prove” to myself that I am better than others who are less physically active, seeking to be better than others).

I decide to give my dog (fidelity, protection) a good brushing and see a solitary flea (minor discomforts and annoyances) jump off him. I tell my husband when he comes home and he decides to go get some shampoo and flea treatment. I shampoo (cleanse old attitudes and beliefs) my dog outside and my kids helps. My youngest decides to play on his scooter, slips on the wet concrete and hits his head. My husband comes and gets him and I worry about him the rest of the night. Sure enough, he wakes with a headache, crying and my husband wakes me up to get the medicine and gets mad at me when I don’t want to wake up. He tears up my bed in his anger as I walk downstairs to get the medicine. I give it to our son and return to bed but am irritated at my husband for acting so childish and can’t go back to sleep. 

Considerations

The above are what remains in my memory of my day but the most significant to me is the lucid part while I was exercising. Later in the evening, it was this event that had me considering how our daily activities could be interpreted in much the same way as our dreams. Besides, I’ve always considered dreamtime just as real, if not more real, than my day-to-day waking experiences. Now that I have reflected upon my day, it is clear to me that interpreting the events of my day is much more revealing than I thought it would be!

The printer experience and how it played out is significant. In life, I’ve noticed it can take a long time before I do something about an issue, especially if something requires I have to go out of my way to make an effort to resolve it. In this particular case, the printer had eaten one too many checks and I finally got fed up enough to take action and fix it. I have suffered through weeks of irritation and just now took action! And if I look at many issues in my life, it is exactly the same! Why do I take so long to change what I dislike about my life? What is that final straw that motivates me to make the needed change?

I find it interesting that with each of the more lucid moments of my day, I am alerted to something via my environment and later have a realization because of it. For example, the GPS not working points me to something I am doing in life for the wrong reasons and so I adjust my course accordingly. Similarly, the flea, which is a minor annoyance in my life, reveals itself when my husband annoys me with his angry outburst and wakes me up for something he could have handled on his own. 

I am especially curious about my tendency to wait before I take action on those things which need resolution. I believe it is the perceived discomfort of initiating change that creates the resistance. Yet, there really is not that much discomfort at all, once I decide to act. Honestly, it feels good! So, why do I do this? Is this a human tendency? I wouldn’t call myself a procrastinator. Nor would I say I am “avoidant”. Lazy? Maybe, at times. Unmotivated? Most definitely!

So, maybe it is the end result that I am feeling is not worth my time and effort? Yes, I think that is it. If I can’t see a benefit that is greater than my effort to make a change, I don’t act. Huh. The thing is, what we see/perceive (future) is limited to what we have seen/experienced (past) and there are many potential futures that could exist beyond our limited perception and experience.

What could interpreting your day reveal to you? Try it.

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Dream: Mermaid Warriors

This whole week I have gone through all kinds of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety, concerns, guilt, appreciation, gratitude, love, compassion, guilt, etc. My emotions kept me up at night three nights in a row, mainly because I went to bed upset, usually angry or frustrated. Getting unwanted news right before bed is never conducive of a good night’s sleep for me. lol One night I was told all employees at my place of work had to wear masks to work. Another night a “friend” on FB left a rant on one of my posts where she basically called me a narcissist. Another night my husband told me something that now I can’t even recall. LOL Shows how very, very important it was, right?

I started to dread going to sleep because I knew once I closed my eyes that all kinds of thoughts and emotions would surface. I also knew I needed to meditate, calm my mind and body and allow those thoughts and feelings to surface and dissipate. The anger and frustration I experienced was the worst and I didn’t want to feel it because it made certain sleep would not come. Yet if I didn’t at least acknowledge it, it would seep out of me like icky, black sludge throughout the day – which it did. When this happens I usually piss someone off or step on someone’s toes or, worst of all, hurt someone’s feelings.

All the while I kinda knew, deep down, that my reactions to the world situation right now was purposeful. If I triggered someone, it was not a mistake. If I was triggered it was not a mistake.

In one instance, the one involving FB, I had actually considered deleting a post I posted because I knew would trigger someone. I intentionally left it. I don’t remember knowing why but that was later revealed when someone who I know online blew their fuse completely. This person had been acting this way in the online group she hosted, too, so it was not really a surprise that she lost her cool. I had been witnessing her attack people who did not share her beliefs for some time now, remaining quiet and just observing without judgement. When she attacked me online I actually didn’t even finish reading her post because of the pure contempt oozing out of the first couple of lines. I deleted it without a thought when she began using the term narcissist.

Sadly, the term narcissist bothered me. I ended up convinced I must be one all because of this woman and her judgement of me. My concern – guilt even – didn’t last long, though, because I realized that a narcissist would not feel guilt or concern over being labeled a narcissist! lol Also, my research indicated that I did not fit the bill. I may sometimes have some characteristics of a narcissist (as we all do) but I am most definitely NOT one. Yet all it took was this woman labeling me as one to make me temporarily convinced I must be horribly selfish, unfeeling and manipulative. 😦 In the end, though, it was a good thing because it caused me to take a step back and really look at myself, which was needed, especially now.

You may wonder what it was that triggered this woman. Well, I also had to inspect that about myself. My upset has been over the virus and the resulting fear has infected the population. I had finally had enough of the fear posts on FB, the constant fear mongering on the news and the people in my neighborhood brutally shaming anyone who was not in fear like them. When I blew up on FB I had not yet really figured out the true source of my upset.

Since then I have recognized my upset stems not from any of the above but from this – the current and long-term economic impact and its effects on those who were/are already struggling. Children. The poor. The addicted. The abused. The neglected. The suicidal or depressed. The hungry. The longer the shutdown goes on, the more these statistics rise.

But I needed to look even deeper than that.

I discovered at the root, of course, is my sister and her subsequent return home where she was already very likely to resume her meth habit. But now, with the shelter-in-place orders in effect, her enabling and drug-using husband at her side, and the stimulus check coming her way, well she is doomed. It’s not the virus that will kill her – nope – it’s herself.

I often struggle with letting the people I love make choices I know will ultimately lead them to more suffering or even death. Who doesn’t? It has been a hard lesson for me. I want desperately to take control of their situation, make decisions for them, but can’t. I feel helpless – much like everyone around me is feeling with this virus situation, though not all for the same reasons.

Thus, what my guides have been saying to me lately, “We are all in this together.” Everyone is feeling helpless and everyone is being triggered in their own way.

For me, the solution is to stop looking out at the world as the source of my upset and subsequent “problem”. Rather, I need to accept, once again, that my sister has to make her own decisions regardless of whether I think they are “right” or “wrong”. It is her life. I have to let go and allow her to fall – or rise – as in the end it is her path, not mine. Just as it is for every person on Earth.

Thus, it follows, that my upset with the mask order suddenly vanished. I went into work without a mask but by the time I got home I had decided I was going to make some masks. lol I had been dead set against wearing one and then did a complete 180. The release I felt was extraordinary and…..what fun I had!!!

Looky, looky at what I made!

Image may contain: 1 person

They aren’t perfect but they aren’t bad considering I haven’t touched my sewing machine in almost a decade. And what was I thinking about when I went to bed last night? Was I angry? Were my emotions and thoughts all over the place? Nope. Instead I was thinking about how I could tweak the masks I make next. I was creating. I would much rather be kept awake by creative thoughts than by frustration, wouldn’t you? 🙂

Dream: Mermaid Warriors

Shifting gears to dream-land….

My dreams have been few and far between these days but the ones I recall lately seem to involve ships and water. To give you an idea, previously I was on a sinking ship and rescued by three nuns in a submarine. lol

So last night’s dream was quite bizarre. I was on a dock with others standing next to what reminded me of a Stargate (Stargate movie lovers will know what this looks like). A woman was calibrating it and a blue light was emanating from the center. I was very close and the lady put her hand up and said to me, “No. You can’t use it whenever you want anymore. You have to wait.” My feeling and response was something like, “Oh come on!” I really, really wanted to go through it and it felt like I did it all the time. What is odd here is that the woman called the Stargate a “corral”. I’m not sure of the meaning here except to “confine or bring together”. My feeling is the next event or journey, what I was so eager to go into in the dream, is a “corral”.

Then I was being shown a “crew” that was being gathered together. I was told they were a mermaid crew yet what I saw was a group of women with legs standing together in clothing that reminded me of a warrior, like Amazon warriors. They had in their hands spears and their faces were without expression. There were at least 30 of them.

By this time I realized I was with a man who seemed to be directing me. Probably a guide or mentor. The man was tall, broad shouldered and light haired. He was talking about going to a very upscale restaurant that served foods that were not usual. I can’t remember what the foods were but they were things a sea creature would eat, not a human.

Considerations

Funny enough, when I woke I was having a conversation with someone asking to be allowed to go right now. It felt that I was about to be taken away in a “ship”. So, my thoughts were, of course, on a space ship type vessel. I highly doubt that I am going to be taken up in a space craft.

The symbolism here seems to be indicating a journey is ahead, one that will gather together a group of like individuals. How we are alike is unknown but based upon my past experiences I would say we have in common this: We are Light Workers/Warriors of the Light.

The mermaids indicate the ability to shift form from creatures of the water to creatures of land. The sea here is intuition and the ability to tap into it as needed. The land here is being human, or better yet Hu-man. Mermaids are symbolic of higher consciousness and being attuned to one’s authentic self. They also represent knowing and following one’s life purpose. The fact that their human form appears warrior-like feels to be a message or a calling to “arms” though not in the way one might think. It is more of a presence or a duty.

The man says of the food served at the restaurant that there is no use eating it if the restaurant doesn’t prepare certain foods a certain way. My feeling on this is that I am being asked to “eat the right food”, meaning to nourish myself with things that will strengthen me rather than weaken me. I am being asked to be mindful of what “foods” I eat. My first thought here is that I need to pay attention to what media content I am looking at – not just news media but any information being brought to me right now.

I feel blessed to have had this dream. It is promising but also cautionary, advising that while we wait, we be careful of what we consume.

 

 

 

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Putting the Past to Rest, Kundalini Dreams and Messages

Two weeks of struggling to fall asleep. I’m only getting about 5-6 hours a night and it is taking its toll. I suspect it has to do with the Corona virus scare and all the hoopla surrounding it. It is me picking up on the Collective more than anything I think, though I have my own issues surfacing independent of the virus and the Collective. All are One, though, so it is all the same to me.

Previous to news about the virus, I have had thoughts about past relationships coming up. This began way back in January, so I know it is not the cause of my sleepless nights because I had no issues with sleep back then. Some thoughts/memories are from past boyfriends, others from past connections in high school. Nothing major – no major emotions or reactions to the memories, really. Mostly I am coming to unuderstand the other person more and more and I think that is the point. This indicates that I have shifted from being the effect of my emotions and karmic lessons to being more at cause and seeking understanding in order to put it all at rest.

For example, a specific ex-boyfriend of mine continues to come up in my thoughts and I even had a long conversation with my husband about him. At that time in my life I had just awakened spiritually and was fascinated with my newfound gifts. My connection with him was a catalyst for my awakening, though a subtle one. He introduced me to the book that had the meditation in it that served to ignite all the swift changes in my life at that time. I realized that was his only purpose and am grateful to him for that. However, I also see how I was so immersed in my awakening that I neglected him, didn’t see the “signs” that indicated he felt ignored, under appreciated and fearful of a great many things. There was recognition that for him, I was more than just a fling, I was a potential long-term relationship and maybe more.

The signs were there but I didn’t see them back then. He took me to meet his father for one despite putting down his father and indicating he cared nothing at all about what his father thought of him and his life choices. He also altered his home environment to suit me. When I met him he had nothing permanent in his home. His furniture was all plastic or dorm style. His bed was an air mattress. He had no dresser in his bedroom. Yet after we started dating he bought a new bed and furniture. When I started drifting away from him, caught up in doing readings and exploring my gifts, he admitted to cheating on me (he kissed an ex-gf). I believe he did this because he wanted to test my reaction. I dumped him immediately and had no emotional reaction other than that. Afterward (we worked together) he was very resentful and demonstrated his hurt via critical comments. Then years later he contacted me in hopes of a second chance, but I was already married. He put down my choice to marry and have children saying, “Oh, you’re one of those.”

I was also able to recognize that he was a very conflicted person. He wanted to marry and have children but resented his brother who was doing just that. His brother was praised and commended for his choices by his father. So two reasons to not be like his brother. I think he began to have feelings for me that scared him. His response was to self-sabotage. Cheat on me and make it easier to escape a situation where he was at odds with himself. Yet despite this, years after he sought to reunite with me because deep down he longed for more.

After all this reflection I find I genuinely love him, not in a romantic way but in a family way. I wish only the best for him in his life and hope that he has faced his inner demons and made peace with his father. Maybe he has settled down with a partner and has found some semblance of peace?

I went through the same process with the other relationships that came to mind – another ex-bf and a girl I went to high school with. Seeing their side of things helps me to let go of any leftover negative emotion, freeing me – and them – from the trap of repeating the lesson in future lives.

Unusual Kundalini Dreams

One benefit of the delay in falling to sleep is I used that time to meditate and go within.

Last night, once again frustrated at not falling asleep, I asked my guidance for help. Since I had done this before with little response I asked to be given something interesting in my dreams – an OBE, a lucid dream with Kundalini, a gift perhaps – yes a “gift” would be nice I said.

My request was granted immediately.

Somehow I drifted off to sleep and entered into a lucid dream within a dream within a dream. The dream specifics are confusing because I was in two places (three really). I was in my bed aware that I was dreaming but I was in two different beds – one in the past and one in the present. The past bedroom was at my Mom’s home. The present bed my own bed in my house now. The dream took place in the past bedroom but I shifted between past and present, aware of each shift.

As I lay curled up on my side (in both beds) I had a dream of an invisible man coming to me. I shifted OOB where I could feel him and hear him, but couldn’t see him. He had stubble on his face which kept scratching me as we kissed. His hands were large but gentle. I recall shifting back to check on my sleeping body in the past bed while observing from the present bed and then shifting back to be with him. I remember becoming passionate with him and pulling back when his stubble scratched my cheek. I commented to him about it even but did not complain. The energy started to build and for some reason I withdrew from him. I don’t remember why. Perhaps I had a consideration of being found out? When I withdrew he did not want me to go. His persistence created more intense energy and my second chakra began to ache in response. It was both painful and pleasurable. This woke me.

When I woke I was surprised and pleased. My lower chakras were active and swirling with energy. I told my guidance, “More please.” lol

I fell asleep for a while and was awakened at 3:30am by my arm which was very, very itchy. I was bitten twice a few nights ago by what I think was a mosquito but the bites did not heal like normal. Instead they have remained very itchy and red. The itchy feeling comes and goes and this is the first time it has wakened me.

I got up and put some cortisone cream on them and then covered them with band-aids to prevent me from scratching them in my sleep. Then returned to sleep.

This time I entered into a dream that was very different from any other Kundalini dream I’ve had.

I remember being at a mobile home and interacting with a woman and her husband. I believe I was having an affair with the woman and trying to stay hidden from the husband. I am not sure if I was male or female but I think I switched between genders because at the end I remember recognizing I was male but feeling female.

The woman is hard to recall and I am not even sure it was a woman. I suspect it was a guide or teacher and the dream camouflaged them to fit with my comfort zone. This guide was touching me and igniting a very pleasurable feeling – and this is an understatement. I recall kissing and the electricity that resulted was beyond my comprehension. It took my breath away and created a chain reaction in my body like a match lights a bonfire. The pleasure wasn’t just energetic but physical, too. Every point on my body that was touched responded the same and every time it happened I was in awe and super curious. I remember commenting about it but can’t recall my exact words. I felt like a teenager exploring and touching for the first time. The places I was touched – hands, arms, leg – all felt to connect and exhibited the same explosive, erotic and pleasurable sensation. The pleasure I experienced is beyond description. I have not experienced the K like that before.

This went on for some time until the woman (guide/teacher) hid me as her husband returned. I remember hiding outside the back door and then crawling around the side of the house. When I saw the woman standing there I froze, hiding from her, too, but knowing she would see me. This is when I felt to be male but female, also. When she looked at me, I woke up.

Messages

When I woke my crown chakra was swirling with energy and wide open. It felt like a stream of consciousness was entering via my crown, a feeling I haven’t felt in quite some time. When this happens it feels as if I am connected to my guidance/HS in an expansive way – a 360 degree feeling.

The memory of what had happened lingered and I was still in awe, asking what had happened and why. The first response was, “You have an itch you need to scratch”. The symbolism was not lost to me since I had awakened prior to this K experience from a very, very itchy arm. My response back was, “Shouldn’t I not scratch? Scratching leads to infection…” I got no reply, probably because I was over-thinking it. lol

Then my guidance reminded me of something I was told years ago in an OBE encounter with a guide who spoke with an accent. At that time the guide started a sentence and I finished it. He said, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more (I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. But this time it was the opposite – “The more and more you believe, the more and more you will see.”

I knew the explanation to be one I had heard many times before. When I first awakened I asked, “Why me? Why is this happening? How is it that I can do what I can do?” and was told, “Because you didn’t believe you couldn’t.”

We are limited by our beliefs. When we do not believe we can’t experience something that opens us up to all that we can. I was being told that I experienced this different K energy because I had no consideration that I couldn’t experience it. I was asked, “Imagine what you could Know if you tossed all limiting belief?”

This conversation left me feeling very optimistic as my imagination went wild with all the things I could experience and Know.

Other messages I received:

“It’s your turn”. This came after what seemed like a memory of my soul group and us “taking turns” in some way related to ascension and the planet. It felt like we went through cycles of “rest”. It’s like we are all holding a rope in tug-o-war and sometimes we have to let go to get a breather and the rest of our group holds on and takes up the slack while we rest. When we return to hold the reigns then others take breaks and so on and so forth.

Vision: I saw a flood of water and knew it was a message that I would witness others around me suffer through troubled times. I was reminded that I would be spared. I saw myself standing as the water flooded on either side but missed me entirely.

Heard a voice say my step-father chose to move on (died). This, I believe, is future related and so the timing of it unknown.

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Time vs. No-Time

12-12-12 has come and gone without anything major happening. By major I mean that I had no Kundalini surges, OBEs or otherwise amazing spiritual experiences. Instead, I experienced something much more subtle yet just as powerful.

Firstly, I had a dream that connected the dots of other similar dreams I’ve had throughout the month. Without going into detail (too personal), the dreams continued a theme of “what if?” in which I looked at timelines that may have come into existence had I made different choices in this life. Basically I saw very clearly how I narrowly escaped a particularly difficult path wrought with major disappointment and confusion. In the end I recognized that the choices I made, mostly on a subconscious level, were the result of knowing myself much better than I could have ever realized. And the feelings and “gut” reactions (intuition) that led me along through the dark, winding path were accurate despite me not really understanding them and often fighting them.

Ultimately, the end result of my recognition of all of the above (plus much, much more) has left me feeling a sense of completion. It is subtle but most definitely present and for this I am grateful. It is like my soul is exhaling after holding its breath for several years.

Time vs No-Time

This morning when I awoke I was a bit disappointed to not have gotten to travel OOB or experience a profound spiritual event. So I was thinking of how nice it would be to leave this body and physical world and return Home to spirit. I then realized that once I left the limits of time and space behind me, all those things I wished to escape here in the physical, all the “problems”, struggles and not-knowing, would disappear instantly as I entered no-time.

With these thoughts I suddenly had a visual of a wavelength in motion. I knew instantly that the difference between time and no-time was the distance between the crests (highest points) of the waves.

The shorter the wavelength the more Knowing one has. The longer the wavelength the less knowing. The distance between crests is the amount of time it takes to go from un-Knowing to Knowing. The beginning of the descent into the trough (bottom of the wavelength) is the “question” and the next crest is the resolution or Knowing. The trough is the unknowing – all the time it takes to move through the process, or transform, into Knowing.

This process happens all the time without end. We Remember, we Forget, and then we Remember again. We have a problem, we proceed through time to get to a solution. Rinse and repeat. The physical universe, which is much lower in vibration than when we are in Spirit, creates more distance/time between Knowing and Not-Knowing.

When in Spirit the problems and upsets we have in physical life become unimportant. Why? Because the time between Knowing and Not-Knowing is reduced substantially. All that exists in no-time is the question followed by immediate Knowing. Thus, the relief we all seek so eagerly. Yet we come back into time over and over, purposefully, to experience not-Knowing. Why? To experience the process (time and distance) of not-Knowing to Knowing. We slow down to relish the process. We extract all the sweet juices from it.

What I understood was that when in Spirit there is Knowing in abundance because we are resonating at a very high frequency. Ultimately, at Source, there is All-Knowing/omnipotence, no distance between crests on a wavelength.

Ascension and Knowing

As we raise our vibration (ascend), the distance between wavelengths in our energy decreases. So, we begin to Know quicker, learn quicker and manifest much quicker than we use to. The distance is still there, just less of it. We still have to go through the process of transforming not-knowing into Knowing. We still experience time. We just move faster.

As a result we manifest at a quicker rate. Our thoughts become reality quicker. The time-lag is reduced. As we ascend, our vibration increases thus the wavelength of our energy decreases.

Some call this living in 5D but I prefer to think of it as living more in line with the Divine Self.

For those interested in learning more about vibration and manifestation, I came across this article this morning: The Law of Vibration and How to Manipulate It.

 

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Hello Belief. Goodbye Belief.

How are you handling the blood moon total eclipse and full moon energies? How about all the planets in retrograde? lol Crazy, right?

I have been reading “rebirth” as the theme of these times. Some are saying this is a total life change type of rebirth, like heading in a totally new direction in life via unexpected pathways. Thing is, it is not easy to tell just yet because it is isn’t over. There is another eclipse – a partial solar eclipse – on August 11th.

I am also reading that during this time life will bring up unresolved past issues in unexpected ways. A similar message came to me via dreamtime indicating I may run into issues from 2010. I can’t even recall much of 2010 so IDK. lol I am sure life will remind me when the time is right.

Finally, “emotional” is another word I am reading frequently. This full moon will bring “heightened emotions” for all signs of the zodiac, etc, etc. Thing is, don’t all full moon’s have the tendency do this?

For me, personally, I have already indicated that I am not noticing too much myself. Yeah, I have had a couple of emotionally intense dreams and some irritation at too much random noise (talking especially), but otherwise things are pretty smooth-going and calm for me. In fact, things are looking pretty darn good. Based on the way my life has been going, I have to say all this retrograding is great and I like it. And the full moon eclipse brought me my first OBEs in ages, so I am happy with it, too. I say bring it on and keep it going because it is awesome. lol

It is always interesting to me how everyone jumps onto the current bandwagon (eclipses, retrograde planets and now Lion’s Gate) and makes a big deal in their own way. This happens every.single.year – well since I started following blogs and being more active online (around 2014). I wonder sometimes why everyone gets so excited over these types of things especially since they have been occurring since the beginning (of Earth, of physical Time as we know it). If I think back to before my awakening and compare how I felt then to now (energy-wise), it hasn’t changed. The only thing that has changed is that now I know such things are happening behind-the-scenes. Beyond that, it is still the same.

Image may contain: sky, cloud and outdoor

Real-time shot of the sun that morning.

Recently I had a talk with my husband about the universe sending us “symbols” and “signs”. He doesn’t believe in such things, really, but he got a sign nonetheless and I pointed it out to him because, well, that is what I tend to do. lol The way it happened is he and I opted to have breakfast together before work one morning last week. As we drove to the restaurant, the sky opened up and gave us a beautiful show that lasted the entire drive. It brought me joy and I mentioned it but my husband kept talking away (as he tends to do) about current issues and life stuff.

At a stop light he stopped talking, turned and touched something I couldn’t see. He said, “Look at this! See this tiny worm? It’s on a string! I wonder what kind of worm it is?” I looked and saw it was a tiny inch worm. I told him it was a message and that I could look it up for him. He said, “I don’t believe in that kind of thing.”

What he does believe in is that we are the cause of everything we experience. I pointed this out to him and asked if he could consider then that the worm was placed there by him and the reason for it’s placement was known by him, if he only chose to look/listen. I asked him to consider what it meant to him. He didn’t answer but was pensive for a while. His main take from the whole conversation was that the universe has much to show us if we would only stop and pay attention.

Later, I looked up the inchworm symbolism and low and behold it fit him and his situation perfectly. I sent him an email and we had a good laugh about it later.

The whole point of this story is that none of it matters – the astrological events, the eclipse, Lion’s Gate, ascension, etc – unless you think it does. Period. There is no “right” or “wrong” about it. It just IS. If you choose to notice, then you will see. If you choose to hear/receive a message, then you will hear. If you believe Lion’s Gate will blow your world apart or rain blessings down upon you, then it will. Rebirth? Why not? Just believe it and it will BE.

For me, it is easy to say, “Well I didn’t know any of this until my guidance brought it to my attention. Otherwise, I would never have known about a ‘rebirth’ and the ‘opportunity’ coming my way.” But this is not true. This is just the human part of me playing the game of “not knowing” in order to experience “not knowing”. Ultimately, we know ALL. There is nothing we don’t know unless we choose to not know. Chew on that for a while. It will throw your human mind/Ego into tantrums pretty quickly. lol

So, if you think this eclipse season is the reason for all you are experiencing right now – it is. And so is anything else you believe will come of it. If, by chance, you “sense” a negative experience arising from this belief, then you do have the ability to shift that to your advantage. The catch is, you must believe. hehe That means you have to undo your previous belief (meaning no longer believe) and institute a new one. Not an easy task and why we often get stuck and think that things are happening to us and we have no control over any of it. It can take many days/weeks/months even years to undo a belief!

What I have learned is that thinking and analyzing regularly leads to more complication. Surrender is the best route. This means tossing expectation (which is composed of belief) and just accepting in the moment what the universe has to show you in that moment. This all boils down to having no belief, which is humanly impossible (at least to my knowledge). Notice the emphasis on human. So try and give yourself a break and just enjoy the ride. We are human after all.

 

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Growing Up

Again I apologize for the long lag in posts. I just don’t feel motivated in this regard much these days. Since February my blog has become a non-priority. There are no considerations like I use to have such as – No one would notice if I don’t write. No one cares anyway.…etc. All those “poor me” thoughts desperate for some kind of acknowledgment and validation. Instead my mind is just blank and there is no desire to share like there use to be.

This shift includes a loss of desire and interest in dream interpretation for the most part as well. I do occasionally document a dream here and there but analysis is limited. I recognize that analysis of my dreams often leads me to speculation about future events. This in and of itself is not healthy for me. So, I can see the purpose behind it.

Of the dreams I do recall and take time to write down, there are themes indicating a “growing up” or maturation process is occurring. In fact, I had a string of dreams over the course of a couple of weeks where I observed the growth of my “daughter” from infancy to adulthood.

The only reason I recall the dreams about my daughter’s maturation process is that my partner in Spirit made appearances, sometimes within the dream of upon waking. Here is one example. This was from a dream in which my daughter, previously a toddler, had grown to the point of experiencing her first menses. I was washing her soiled garments when my partner approached me in the dream:

……..an older man who resembled Robert Redford came up and put his hand on my left hip. I felt our connection but ignored it all the while nervous he would instigate something more intimate and I would not be able to resist him. He was very gentle with me and kind……..Toward the end of the dream he came up behind me again and touched me gently on the shoulder. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me from behind, and offered me a plate full of doughnuts and danishes – all sweet foods. I did not take one. I could feel the beautiful connection we shared intensify and it woke me up.

I have not spent much time analyzing what these dreams mean overall, but I suspect that a new aspect was born from my February embodiment and is in the process of maturing. Eventually she (me) will be ready for what lies ahead. I can only speculate as to what that is.

Life is to be Lived

In the meanwhile, I have been focused primarily on living life. A Zen proverb applies here – Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water. I’m not saying I am “enlightened” by any means, but I did experience or get a taste of it in February. There is no way a person comes away from such an experience unchanged; however, life goes on.

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. -Zen ...

For me life consists of family obligations and the usual day-to-day tasks that go with it. The main difference now is that I perform the tasks of living with an awareness that was not present before. This new awareness reminds me daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, to apply what I have learned in each new moment – surrender and acceptance is the lesson.

During my embodiment experience surrender and acceptance came easy. I lived and breathed it in every moment. Life was so much easier, much more beautiful and flowing, during that time. I got to experience the reality of a life of acceptance and ease. It was my reality for three solid weeks.

Since then that reality has broken down somewhat. This was/is purposeful, for the human experience is not meant to be easy but to challenge us to step up and into our full potential. Life and all the illusions that goes with this reality acts as barriers to the ease and acceptance that is our true nature as Spirit. The lesson now, for me and many others like me, is to learn to bring forward into this reality our Light; to embrace the “chop wood, carry water” routine without expectation, fully surrendering to the experience and the moment, and carrying with us the Memory of who We Are so that our Light can penetrate the density of this physical reality.

Additionally, I am learning how to recognize and prevent the Ego from taking over and resuming it’s dictatorial rule over this life, body and physical experience. Just because I experienced an “Ego death” does not mean the Ego was eliminated nor does it mean that it cannot return from the dead. This requires diligence and a conscious effort on my part. The Ego has the advantage. It has been ruler for this entire life and has established itself via habits and beliefs based upon the illusion of this physical reality. Tearing it down was just the beginning. Keeping it down is the real challenge.

My method is to not use force to keep it down but to instead use love and understanding. I listen to it without becoming the effect of it. Then I talk to it and help it to understand, to Remember, and show it my perspective. So far this is working, but there have been occasional upsets along the way. It is to be expected.

Plans

Currently, the plan is to “stay the course” in regards to my life situation. This means no major changes are to be made to my life path or circumstances at present. You can imagine how difficult these instruction are for the Ego to digest. It wants to know “how long?” and “then what?” It’s reaction is very similar to that of a two-year-old child and as such loving reminders need to be provided at consistent intervals in order to stave off tantrums.

At present the main objective on a personal level is, as I mentioned previously, live life with acceptance and ease. Personally, the focus has been on healing and balance of the physical body. Many lessons involved here, but the main ones are how to listen to the body and how to maintain it and avoid break downs. Similar to a car, we humans tend to use up our bodies until they break down and force us to listen and perform necessary maintenance. When young, it is easy to ignore the body’s cues to us because the signals it sends are rarely intensely painful or alarming. They are there, but overlooked as “growing pains” or some lesser condition.

If you are like me, then you just push past those minor body complaints. Most young people do this and, as there are no major complications to follow, continue to do so until such complications present themselves. This, I am learning, is a big no-no.

How am I learning this? Well, mostly I seem to have become hyper-aware of all sorts of body complaints that I was not aware of before. They were always present but I ignored them. I had become so use to ignoring my body that I didn’t even notice them. But now I am so much more in-tune with my body that I am noticing all kinds of things that are in need of repair. Nothing major, thankfully, but they could easily turn into much more complicated issues without proper rest and healing.

The main method of repairing my body for me continues to be yoga. The Ego and I have lots of arguments about it, though. “Yoga is boring” is the primary complaint. lol This is very true in comparison with all the high intensity exercise routines (running, weight lifting, HIIT, boot camp) that are my normal go-to stress relief. Yet I know deep down these high-intensity workouts are taking a toll on my body and are not conducive to a pain-free, healthy and functional body in the future. The message I received in February and continue to receive (Remember) is that less is more in regards to high-intensity exercise. My tendency is the opposite and my goal is to slowly work my way toward a more balanced fitness routine incorporating more yoga and mobility training while slowly eliminating high-intensity exercises.

What yoga does is force you to feel and listen to your body. It is very mentally and physically challenging in it’s own right. I attribute my new hyper-sensitivity to my body to all the yoga I have been doing. My HS and inner Knowing is saying, “More yoga please.” It is leading me toward certification but my Ego has a lot of fear regarding this path despite knowing it will lead to a much more balanced, healthy and happy life.

In February, I was excited about yoga and accepted the path toward certification without hesitation. Since then the Ego has worked hard to diverge from that path. Yet the messages still get through. For example, this week alone I had several messages all pointing to the certification path. There is a certification workshop in Atlanta, GA in September I figured I could go to and then visit my friends in TN. But it kept being put off and was all but forgotten until this week. Out of the blue a reminder came to mind. “Don’t forget,” it said. All kinds of reasons and excuses came to mind. So no decision was made.

A week passed.

Then, when running a 5K race, I met a guy who just kept talking to me and being friendly. He looked like a young Ewan McGregor. Really. lol Anyway, he talked to me before the race and then again at the end of the race. Turns out he won the 5K. 1st place. After some talking I discovered he was visiting Austin from Nashville. I thought it odd but ignored the “coincidence”.

Later in the day I went for a walk and parked right across the street from my house was a car with Georgia plates. It is still parked there. lol

All the while my SIL and BIL were visiting family in Dalton and Atlanta, GA and sending us photos of their road trip.

Eventually I was like, “Okay, what gives?” lol

Since then my guidance continues to nudge me toward attending the workshop, but I keep contacting an (illogical) fear of this path. So, we compromised by purchasing a yoga video package that will prep me for the workshop should I opt to go. I have until July to decide.

In the meanwhile, I opted to do the first video in the package I bought. It was a grounding flow that lasted over an hour. When I finished I felt….different. It is hard to say how really but my body felt lighter and more limber. My energy was light but grounded. It felt really good.

Finally, I want to share a vision that continues to visit me in regards to this whole yoga path. It is really more of a feeling and sense than a visual, but I do get visual flashes here and there. The feeling is flowing and calm, without stress or anxiety. I feel centered and solid in this body and life. Purpose is present as well. Work isn’t “work” anymore. It is enjoyable and part of my daily, healthy regime that balances mind, body and Spirit. The visuals are mostly colors – muted blue, indigo and pink like stained glass. There is also a sense of belonging and a group of friends who are like family.

Of course, the Ego can’t accept any of this vision as a possibility. Stress and worry are her reality. Take that away and replace it with ease and acceptance and it scares her. She is left grappling for anything familiar to hold onto. So we ease into change, show her that it isn’t scary and IS possible.