Category Archives: Dreams

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Return of 11:11

Lots going on, only so much time to write without it getting super long….

Dream: Healing Second Chakra

I was with a group of people and we seemed to be traveling. I mostly recall the end of the dream now as it was early in the night that I had it. We came to a waterpark type scene that reminded me of a local waterpark with lazy river tube shoots. Around the tube sections was greenery that reminded me of Costa Rica, so very tropical. We were not in the water but walking along it I think. I remember a woman approached me and asked me if I would consider letting her insert something into me. It looked like she either had a massive dildo or she actually had a penis on her female body. I remember agreeing and she asked if I thought it might be too big. I took a good look (lol) and said it was fine. When she inserted it, I felt a wave of energy and woke.

The area of my second chakra was achy and it stayed achy for some time after. I felt healing energy pouring in through my back also and thought about how, in the past when the K would rise in a similar way, I would have an ache there. I knew there was a blockage in my second chakra. I asked my guidance to help me get rid of it ASAP and was told it couldn’t happen fast as there were many, many layers to it and it would be unwise. 

Dream: Visit with Ray

I was in my mom’s bathroom (cleansing the inner self), the one I use to use as a child/teenager. I was on my hands and knees with a long handled scrub brush like one would use to clean a toilet but I was cleaning the bathtub (desire for greater intimacy in life). The tub was covered in a bluish (throat chakra) colored substance that had thickened and begun to dry out. In the dream I knew I had started to clean the tub but never finished and the cleaner had been left awaiting my return. As I began to scrub I felt Ray’s presence behind me. We talked about my cleaning of the tub itself and he pointed to a wire rack next to it. The rack had peeling paint on it that was starting to come off. He pulled on it and it came off in long, elastic pieces. I helped and what was left was exposed metal. I resumed cleaning the tub, scrubbing the blue cleaner off easily. 

Then we were in my mom’s kitchen (nourishment). We mainly just talked. There was no intense energy, just friendly conversation and enjoying one another’s company. I felt completely at ease and relaxed and I think he did, too. I don’t remember what all we talked about but at one point he sat on top of my mom’s dryer (laundry is in the kitchen near the back door). He seemed to be talking about something important to him, something private or intimate. So he was opening up and being vulnerable. I sensed this and inched closer to him to the point that I was standing situated between his legs. He was up high, so my upper abdomen was right between his legs and my face was just a little bit lower than his own. Our closeness felt appropriate and, again, there was no crazy, intense energy, just affection and openness to one another. 

This is when someone came by the back window and knocked. I went up to see what it was about. It was a woman with her kids all dressed to swim with towels and everything. She inquired if the pool (healing waters) was open and said she had $100 to pay for the season. I told her my mom had long ago closed the pool and, though it was in good shape, she could not swim. I did consider letting them but opted not to. The woman left and I told Ray about it and how, at one point, the neighbors would come over to swim all the time. I remember how the pool and area looked. The pool itself was aqua and clear (clear emotion) and the surroundings littered with lawn chairs but otherwise tidy. 

When I woke I was extra alert to the fact that Ray was in my dream. I also still felt the healing energy in my lower abdomen. I wondered about the dream and whether it indicated I would receive communication from him soon. 

Dream: Corndogs on the Bus

The dreams with Ray continued. He picked me up and took me to a school bus (important life journey). I had with me a box of corndogs (simple pleasures in life) and asked him if he wanted one. I told him I could cook it real fast in the microwave. He indicated he did as we walked up the steps of the bus. I asked if he thought the others would want one, saying I probably had enough. That is when I noticed how full the bus was. I mentioned that I may not have enough after all and looked at the box to see, moving the corndogs around to get an inventory. I looked at the people inside and there was a variety to include mothers with children. Trying to solve the problem of insufficient corndogs, I thought perhaps we could prioritize the children. This is where the dream ended.

Corndogs symbolize the simple pleasures in life, relaxation and satisfaction, wealth and success, companionship and loyalty. I was offering this to my friend and then to the people on the bus which means I want others to share in my experience. When I see I may not have enough then I prioritize the children. I think this dream shows how generous I am in general, especially when I feel happy. 

Messages

I’ve been seeing 1111 quite frequently and have been noting it. The pic here is one time I notice and took a screenshot of my phone. Only after did I see the song playing and how the name relates to the Kundalini – Fuel to Fire.

I had a dream the night before last that relates to the above.

Dream: Second Stage 

I was sitting at my computer writing in my blog. When I pressed “post” the wrong blog post appeared on the screen. It said it was from 2016. I panicked because I didn’t want to write everything again. I tried to recover what was lost and found it didn’t work. Instead, certain words in the post became bolded. After some nudging by my guidance I calmed down and began to pay attention to the bolded words. What I recall now is the words “second stage” and the complete sentence was that I was now in the second stage. Other than that, I can’t remember any of the other bolded words despite reading all of them. I only remember the year 2016 and “ascension”.  That was the year that I had the meeting with my heart connection (Ray) and told my now-ex that I wanted a divorce. That was also the year my heart connection disappeared from my life of his own choice to avoid becoming entangled in the karma of the situation.  

Reflection

The year 2016 and message “second stage” stand out. I looked through my blog and noticed that year was full of Kundalini activity, messages, and significance in general. The year began with a post about recognizing the walk-in situation. This is something Ray and I discussed in our most recent conversation. I told him I didn’t feel the walk-in was real and yet this post indicates otherwise. I also found a post specifically about “the next stage“, so perhaps it is relevant? There was a post called Velantium also. I looked up the word and it translates to “covering or veiling”, something I never mentioned in the post itself. Finally, there were several posts about Atlantis. 

2016 was a very exciting year! I didn’t have time to look through all the posts but man oh man was I ever accelerating! If I am in fact picking up where I left off, then I wonder what it will entail?

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Dreams: Obstacle Course and Betrayal

Some dreams to document…

Dream: Obstacle Course

I was with a group outside near a body of water (emotion) which was below an embankment we were all standing on. We were waiting on something and it felt like I was participating in an obstacle course. Out of the sky fell some gray, flat objects. I asked what they were and someone told me they were to help warm the water as it was so cold it would cause a shock to the body. I pointed to a narrow section of the water and asked, “Why not just jump across?” I jumped across easily and the others followed me.

On the other side we stood on a sandy area near the body of water. I don’t remember much here except the scene and how vast and dark (unknown, fear) the water was out in front of us

Then we were in a bedroom (personal life). We all got into a large bed. A screen was on the wall and we were to watch a movie (life). I found it quite boring but stayed since it felt like it was my duty to do so. Then I turned and saw everyone had left the bed and I was alone. Realizing I didn’t have to stay for duties sake, I got up and looked for my shoes (individual life path) to leave. I saw my black shoes, still wet from the obstacle course, and also my gray ones. My gray ones had the laces (ties to ones path) partially pulled out, though. I commented that someone must have tried to take them. A guide who was with me the entire dream stood behind me and I noticed his presence strongly at this point. 

Reflection

I think this dream symbolizes the unknowns of an obstacle course that has been my life. I survived with only wet shoes but then proceeded to “get in bed” with others to watch a boring movie (life) and then realized they weren’t there with me and it was pointless to stay. The shoelaces off the shoe indicates a subconscious awareness of loosening social ties with a particular group. In this case I think it is my husband’s family. I was “in bed” with them, trying hard to be accepted into their group despite finding their “movie” boring. lol 

Dream: Betrayal

I was with my ex inside a house similar to the one we shared when married. He was being very nice and generous since I felt acknowledged by him, I offered to help with some household chores. This is when I noticed we were laying side by side on the sofa. I felt safe with him and reached for his hand. He responded by reminding me his girlfriend was upstairs and so I should be quiet so as to not wake her. This infuriated me and I considered going upstairs and confronting her, even doing her harm. Rather than do that, I fled, went outside to my car and drove away. I tried to get out fast but someone had left their chickens out and they kept wandering into my path. I had to stop several times to avoid killing them. 

Reflection

When I woke I felt bad about the dream because it outlined the betrayal I felt. My ex often manipulated me like he did in the dream. I felt I betrayed myself by continuing to believe he actually cared about me. 

A flash of a sentence written three times came into my mind. It said, “You deserve better”. I agreed. 

I think the dream shows my regret for my outbursts upon recognizing the betrayal I felt and how I avoided doing much worse things by trying to flee the scene. Unfortunately, chickens (fear) kept slowing me down. 

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Dreams: Recognition and Heart

More dreams to document. It is so nice to have good dream recall again! 🙂

Dream: Recognition

I was at my mom’s with the kids and my ex came to pick up the youngest without telling me. I arrived and noticed my son’s things were gone. In the dream it was felt like an empty space left behind not only in the physical place but in my heart. I went outside and saw my SUV (protection, security, stability, power) parked with my sweater (protection) stuck in the back door half hanging out. I yelled at my ex asking why he left my sweater like that. 

Then I was with my ex but he looked like my heart connection a bit, too. I think in the dream the two people shifted back and forth but most of the time it felt like I was talking to my heart connection. He was open to talking at first but as soon as I started to talk on a deeper level he began to distance himself, walking away from me. I followed, telling him what I needed to say, and noticed he would not look me in the eye, instead looking at the floor and sometimes turning his back on me. I just kept on talking, shifting my position so that I remained in front of him.

The things I said were revelatory. I recognized the parallel between present time and the past. How the situation between myself and my ex and myself and my heart connection were interconnected, even more than I realized back then. My recent divorce and the return of my heart connection into my life is giving me the opportunity to reflect, heal and fully release any residual connection. I remember saying to him that I felt maybe a 10% draw to him compared to the past and didn’t understand fully why. I thought perhaps it was because some hope still lingered that the heart connection could be rekindled. Or maybe there is just a remnant remaining that needs dissolution. In the dream it was crystal clear that the situation was presenting itself so that I could learn. 

I became so thoroughly enthralled in what I was saying that it brought on some emotion and I woke. 

Reflection

I continued to think of the parallels I noticed in the dream. 

In 2016, early 2017, I had tried to divorce my ex and start a life on my own but wanted the support of my heart connection. Unfortunately, my heart connection insisted he have no contact, citing karma, his past similar experiences, and my own good. As a result I struggled to continue on the path of divorce and ultimately withdrew to the security of the known. At that time I had gotten a temporary job as an elementary school counselor which I enjoyed thoroughly, especially the children. 

Now, almost ten years later, I have divorced, recently had contact from my heart connection, and find myself employed as an elementary school counselor again. It does not go unnoticed that it life has aligned similarly as if to say, “Okay, now finish what you started.” 

I find that my response to my heart connection reaching out has been mostly curiosity. There is a small part that want to be friends and meet up to have a long chat. This is likely the part I felt in the dream. Mostly, his energy feels completely neutral, at least in comparison to how it once did. How odd it is! 

Then I thought of my ex and how part of me is annoyed by certain things he does still. I recognize a part of me is still struggling with the end of that part of my life. I think a part of me is still holding on, still grieving for what was and what could have been. 

I also recognized my ex is struggling much more than I am. The reason he is still behaving the way he has been is because he feels he needs to prove something, to get revenge or perhaps to just be right. I think he hurts much more than I do because I am the one who initiated the divorce and withdrew from him so many years ago. Even after nearly 10 years he is struggling to accept that I don’t want to be with him, that I don’t need him and am completely okay without him. He wants me to need him still, even now, even though he has a new girlfriend. In fact, he could only attempt to move on because he got a new girlfriend. It is likely had she not “taken the bait” of his invitation that he would still be harassing me, frustrated by my lack of interest, trying to force a relationship that is long dead. 

Dream: Heart

The dream started at a school that was out in the country. I was taken into the main building where a small group of faculty sat together awaiting my introduction. I remember telling them all, “Thank you so much for this opportunity.” I was extremely grateful to be back and told them so. In the dream the place I was returning to was the detention center I taught at so many years ago. It felt like I would be working in a “jail” (jail = earth to me).

I was then taken outside. I could see another building, a small cottage, down below in a green valley with a few tall oak trees. There were steps leading down to the valley and I stood at the top for a bit. A huge white dog (protection) came pounding towards me joyfully. It was a Great Pyrenees. I opened my arms and let him hit me full on with his body and then we melted together and rolled around. I remember at one point the big dog was laying on my head and there was a split second worry thought about my safety that quickly passed. Another dog joined the big dog and they romped around, running up and down the green valley. A young woman came up from behind me and commented on the bigger dog saying he destroyed her house when she left him inside. I said, “Oh, he’s only a puppy!” 

When I looked up where the woman was I saw an older woman talking quietly with a woman and two other women also talking. I didn’t want to interrupt but I wanted to ask about teaching a class in the cabin below. It looked like a great place to hold class. When there was an opening, I mentioned this but the answer I got had nothing to do with the cabin. One lady motioned to the older one indicating the woman had achieved something. There were no words here, just a recognition from me that this older woman’s heart was wide open and she was comfortable living with it that way. To me, this was indeed quite the accomplishment and I became emotional. I asked her how she managed. The woman approached me, her eyes kind. She opened her arms and I fell into them. She was short, her head only coming to my chin. I could feel her kiss me on the nape of my neck and she said, “You are okay.” By this time I was sobbing uncontrollably. The message I received was that I already have everything I need, it is all within me. This wasn’t the only communication I received but it is hard to relay since it came all at once, telepathically. I remember trying to will the heart bliss to come to me from her, but when I did this I only cried harder.

I woke in tears.

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Dream: Uneaten Hamburger

Another dream to report.

I was with my ex inside an unfamiliar house. Sometimes the house resembled my mom’s house. I think we were sorting through and packing away items. I went to the closet and grabbed a clear box with a couple of items inside. I pulled out a bag with Whataburger written on it. Inside was an uneaten hamburger (satisfaction, having all you need in life, over indulgence).  I realized the hamburger was very old. It was never eaten and in perfect condition still in the wrapper. I mentioned it to my ex and was disappointed that it was not fit for consumption. I opened it up and inside were two patties. I mentioned this saying, “It even has two patties!” I took the burger to the back door. At this time the house resembled my mom’s house so there would have been a back deck. Where the deck should’ve been was an overgrown jungle of plants (journey into the unknown, untapped potential, fear). I tossed the uneaten burger into the plants and it landed under some ivy.  I could see that it opened up, exposing the perfectly round patties, side by side. I was hoping the dog (protection, companionship) would eat it (hope for satisfaction in the future) but the burger was so deep in the greenery that I knew the dog would not find it. This also disappointed me. What a waste, I thought.

I went back inside feeling pessimistic. I announced to my ex that I had decided to leave him everything I owned in my will because, “Why not? I have no one else to leave it to.” I felt a sense of defeat when I said this, as if everything was pointless. I had done so much and come so far but in the end, none of it mattered (sounds like the song – In the End, Lincoln Park”). My ex acted like he didn’t hear what I said nor notice my depressed state. Instead, he told me he and the co-owners of his company were going to find a way to pay me what was left for my shares of the company. He said, we already made an appointment with the bank. He was really excited because he would save the interest if he paid it off early. I wasn’t as excited. My mind was filled with worry over the lost interest and not getting a monthly payment for the next five years like I anticipated. I was handed a document that had the payment dates written on it. I saw each payment had a name and was shown as a transfer from the name to someone of the same name. None of it made much sense to me and the names, though I can’t recall them now, were not names of people but random, nonsensical words. 

Meaning

I think this is a worry dream reflecting some of my thoughts about my current situation and my worries about the future. Hamburgers symbolize life satisfaction and sustenance. They can also symbolize over indulgence and greed. The burger was untouched, packed away in a box in a closet indicating I was perhaps delaying gratification for a later date. This reminds me of what I and others often do when it comes to making decisions in life. We put it off saying, “I’ll do it when (insert condition) happens.” For me, I put off divorce for various reasons – the children, money concerns, uncertainty about the future, fear. I made so many excuses, convincing myself I needed to stay just a bit longer, until such and such happened and I felt more confident about the path ahead. The reality is I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t have enough confidence that I could handle the consequences of making such a drastic life change. 

In the dream I am super disappointed about the perceived loss. I tossed it into a jungle of confusion and fear hoping it would at least get eaten by the dog and not be a complete waste. The dog never arrived to eat it because it was so deep in the jungle. Perhaps this represents the hope that I would not walk this unknown path alone only to realize I would have to do it alone? All I know is I felt defeated at that point in the dream. 

The last part of the dream reflects my thoughts from the previous day. I was suppose to go to an informational meeting about wills and trusts but opted out at the last minute. I didn’t see the point. I suspect all my assets will be eaten up over time anyway, leaving very little and making a trust pointless. Saying I would leave everything to my ex could be symbolic of feeling the pointlessness of how things turned out. My ex recently told me about paying off the loan early, probably in January. I was happy when I heard the news, but in the dream it felt like bad news because I worried how I would manage the money. Though I would love to retire now, it is much to early for the money to last the amount of time I might have left. I could be alive for another 20-30 years or more. I hope not, but without knowing for sure I don’t want to over budget and end up with nothing in my old age. 

I think the dream also reflects the regret I’ve felt here and there about the decision to divorce and lose, what I perceive as, a lifetime of financial security. 

When I woke I was considering options for the future. If I don’t find steady work, then as soon as this lease is up I need to move back to my country home and live a very minimal existence. I can live comfortably there for less than $1000/mo.  If I do this, then I could possibly live out the rest of my life there without worrying about money. This doesn’t take into account other factors like my children’s needs, health issues, relationship changes, etc. There is no way to predict what will happen. Trying to plan such things is pointless, really, because of all the unknown variables. I think I recognize this in the dream, too, when I notice how much time I wasted planning and waiting for something that never actually happened. The only real relief I’ve felt is in knowing I am no longer living with a timebomb. 

Good News

Around lunch time I got a call from the principal of the elementary school where I interviewed for a part-time school counselor position. The interview was three weeks ago today. She offered me the job and apologized for how long the process took. I accepted without hesitation. She told me HR would contact me but it may be two days or more because they are transitioning to a new system.

I was not surprised to get the job offer. When I first saw the job posting I thought, “I want that [job]”. I didn’t apply for a while after because I kept doubting myself and what I wanted. It has been difficult for me to find any motivation for work, much less other parts of life, lately. I finally did apply and got a request for an interview. I did superbly at the interview, the correct responses to the questions coming easily and without much thought.

There could still be a delay with the HR situation so I remain in a waiting period. I feel the entire delayed process is a reflection of my readiness both emotionally and mentally. A part of me is very afraid of this change and full of self-doubt. I have not worked in education since 2017. However, while at the interview, I said something that surprised me which is typical of a Self-Projected Projector. I told the interview panel that my plan was to return to school counseling and restart classes to get my LPC. Later, when I thought about it, the idea didn’t seem half bad. I was only two classes and an internship away from my LPC when I got pregnant with my youngest and decided to withdraw from the program. Can I return after so many years? Do I even want to? It may be what I need to do so I am going to explore the option.

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Dream: Living Dead

Dreamed I was with a small group in a rural area. We lived in a small cottage home with a huge window at the front entry. I remember looking at the window and its location and considering the layout of the house. How was the house so dark with such a big window? I determined it was the location of the window at the front entry which limited the light from the window to a tiny dining area. Briefly I saw inside the house and noticed the dimness of the light inside and how small it really was. How odd, I thought.

Then I was with the group which consisted of five or six individuals. There was discussion about conducting a ritual that would create change within us. It was presented as a good thing but many were skeptical. I remember some members objected to doing the ritual. Somehow, though, the ritual was done without everyone’s agreement and we were stuck with the consequences. Some were in shock after. Some just accepted it. I was one that accepted it.

As a result of the ritual, I knew my physical body was now dead despite me still occupying it. Everyone else in the group had the same result. Was I a zombie? I couldn’t be. My mind was clear and I felt really good. I had no urge to eat brains or other people. In fact, I felt just like I did when my body was living. I was living but my body was dead – living dead. 

The group discussed their new circumstances. The positives were that we no longer had to worry about taking care of the functioning of the body – no urge to pee, to eat, to sleep. The negatives were the body would soon begin to decay and lose mobility. How could we slow that process? Eventually the body would not be suited for occupation so slowing down decay was the only option. Not many ideas were presented. I remember walking around for a bit, feeling for changes in my body that indicated it was starting to decay. I noticed blood was starting to pool in my legs causing them to look purplish black. Without the heart beating to circulate the blood, it was thickening and gravity was causing it to trickle down towards my feet. Images of what happens to a body after death came to mind – gaunt face, bulging eyes, sagging skin, dark spots. Gross. I informed the group about the blood situation and suggested we all lay down and put our feet up so as to redistribute the blood in our bodies. 

I walked into the main room and saw a large, circular stone table in the middle. All around it were pillows and mats spread out like spokes in a wheel. I recognized the ritual area and picked out a spot. This is where it happened. This is where the ritual was performed that killed all our bodies. I laid down on a mat and put my feet up on the table. No one else joined me. I remember thinking/saying, “You know, what we really need to do is drain all the blood from our bodies. Then we don’t have to worry about our blood pooling.”  I remember thinking of embalming and how that may also be an option. Then I had a thought that if I did remove all my blood, then maybe I would become thirsty for blood and I would be driven to consume people like a real zombie. This worried me and as a result I woke up.

Reflection

I want to laugh about this dream but it was so real that I take pause. What was is trying to show me?  My first thought upon waking was that I was being made aware of something about myself. Specifically, my focus on keeping my physical body in good shape via exercise, nutrition, and youth enhancing procedures like Botox and IPL. It made me think of just how much anxiety I have over my body deteriorating as I age. I dislike the idea of looking old while feeling younger than my age. I already look in the mirror and cringe. I have to wear glasses (severe dry eye) and they age me. I look like a librarian. I have some loose skin under my chin and my eyes droop making me look sad and tired. I exercise to keep myself from going insane from boredom but also because it helps relieve anxiety and depression. I also like to keep my body looking younger and exercise does that. I am proud to say my body looks as good as it did in my twenties. Sometimes I can obsess over my diet, focusing on eating clean and reducing fatty and sweet food. I have been so fixated on diet that, in the past, I have stopped enjoying food entirely. I am not that way now and allow myself to eat pretty much anything I want, but it still bothers me if I eat too much of the wrong things. 

The dream asks me, “Is this what you want? Do you want to spend your life focused on something that, inevitably, will deteriorate and die regardless of how much you try to stop it?” The dream indicates I have created habits (rituals) around the maintenance of my body. It also shows how, if continued to extremes, those habits could become an obsession. Perhaps the thirst for blood, as mentioned in the dream, is actually a thirst for life? 

All this is because, prior to bed, I thought about giving up my job search and just continuing my routine, which involves working out, eating healthy and achieving a certain physique. I woke this morning thinking that I really don’t want to commute to work every day, report to the same location and have expectations placed upon me to perform a certain way. I don’t really want to be around people all day, either. lol Since I don’t have to work, it suits me just fine to focus on doing things that I enjoy. For example, keeping a dream journal, blogging, working out, being with my kids, walking my dog, etc. I struggle to motivate myself to return to a normal job in the normal way. It is just not appealing. Does that mean I am the “living dead”? IDK, maybe. I don’t feel like I am doing a lot of living in terms of interacting with and helping others. I don’t feel alive in that sense at all. In fact, most of the time I feel like I am just waiting to die, filling my time with distractions until I can finally be released from this physical reality and return Home.

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Dream: Save the White Kitten

This weekend I gave myself a couple of tarot readings on different days. I don’t have a pic or even the cards with me now, but the card “Power” came up twice as did “Third-Eye Chakra”, a card about partnerships, and one that was similar to the Empress card in traditional tarot. The message was that I have all the tools I need at my disposal for the journey ahead and, though difficulties may arise, I will meet each head-on, utilizing partnerships with others. 

One card indicated a past love might be rekindled, maybe not in the physical but via memories and reflection upon the past. This is interesting to me because I was thinking of my heart connection recently because of the dream I had. I also found my old tote with my school counseling stuff from my last job in it. During that time I had been in despair over the loss of my heart connection and struggling with my then-husband at home who was basically losing his mind at the time and taking it out on me. I came across small pieces of paper that I had written my thoughts on. If I recall correctly, I had been unable to post in my blog not only because of my crazy then-husband but also because I was at work from 7:15am – 4pm and could not find time to blog/journal. I found letters I had written to my heart connection as well as plans for the future and even made some predictions about what would happen in the future. One of those predictions was that I knew my then-husband would become more and more difficult and erratic over time. Oh boy, did he ever! It wasn’t all at once but enough that, over time, it was clear he was not a safe person for me to be around. 

Dream – Save the White Kitten

Speaking of my ex, I had an interesting dream that gave me some perspective. 

In the dream I was inside a house with my ex. He was asking me if I could buy him and someone else a white sweater. For some reason, I agreed, and began to search online for the sweater (warmth, protection, comfort). I ended up purchasing it and he was grateful. He approached me and I remember tensing up, not knowing his intentions and worrying he would blow up on me for rejecting his advances. Instead of making sexual advances, however, he laid his head on my lap. Recognizing he was seeking comfort, I relaxed and stroked his hair. I told him, “I’ve missed you.” 

The dream shifted. Still in the same house with my ex, I was looking at an unopened box (information/gifts yet unknown). My ex asked if I had returned the items inside it. I said I had and he pointed to it and said it looked like I hadn’t. I opened the box and saw it was full of wrapped up items. I picked one up but didn’t unwrap it. Instead, I placed it back inside the box. I was unsure what to do. I had returned the box yet it was still there, unopened and items undisturbed. Do I remove the items and use them or do I return them again? For some reason my sister (aspect of Self) was there with me and she seemed critical of my situation. I think she was asking me to just keep the items. 

Again, the scene shifted. I was inside the house and my ex had given me some food for a white kitten. The food was in two bags. One was cat food and the other a bag of white rice (success, new beginnings). The two were to be combined when feeding the kitten. When I went to feed the kitten the two were already combined. I saw the food floating in milk, looking somewhat like cereal (reminds me of OBE where I was told “Sometimes you want cereal”). I scooped it up in a bowl for the kitten. The kitten came to eat but a black tomcat came over and took over the food, hissing with hairs up on his back. I grabbed the black tomcat by the nape of the neck, took him to the door and tossed him out. When I tried to close the door I found it was broken and the entire side of the house was a wrought iron fence that was broken and rusted. Parts of the fence had fallen over and someone had tried to repair it with copper wire. I pulled the wire secure but a brown bear came at me from the other side and barreled over the fence, knocking it down. Panicking, I went for the kitten, grabbed it and its food and placed it up on a high cabinet where nothing could get to it. I looked at the house and saw the entire wall was a mess of wire and debris. It wasn’t going to keep anything out.

Reflection

I woke from this dream knowing the symbolism straight away. Cats are the Divine Feminine but can also be desire/sexual attraction. I think the white kitten represents me as the Divine Feminine but I am not yet fully mature. The black tomcat is my ex and is symbolic of his sexual aggression. I save the kitten from unsafe conditions – I saved myself from unsafe conditions. When I tossed the tomcat (my ex) he came back as a bear, which feels accurate to what happened in real life. He became someone I didn’t recognize, shifting into a very, scary and unsafe person. 

I also recognized how, had I left my ex ten years ago when I first brought up divorce, he would have been much, much worse than he was when divorce actually happened. Because I waited, he was the one with a new romance, not me (he thought I was leaving him for my heart connection at the time). I think he would have been much worse 10 years ago because of his jealous rages and the insanity of thinking his possession (me) was being taken from him. The amount of torture he put me through (emotional mostly) at that time would have escalated into potentially a very disastrous outcome. I believe he had the potential to cause me physical harm and would’ve had I proceeded to leave him as was my original intention. 

I’ve always thought I failed miserably not leaving back then, but now I think otherwise. I think I may have taken the wiser, safer path. I protected myself (the white kitten) the only way I knew how. At the time I had just opened up to my Divine Feminine (kitten) and was very vulnerable. Now I am stronger, the struggles of the last ten years with a man I knew could not handle losing me, helped me build strength I would not have had otherwise. I kept saying to myself, “I need him to be in agreement” before I push for divorce and it was accurate. It was not for monetary reasons like I told myself, though that was a bonus, but for safety reasons – spiritual reasons. I had to find my inner strength, create and enforce healthy boundaries for myself, and heal.  Though I don’t feel I have healed completely, I do feel stronger and more capable now than I did back then. My writings reminded me of just how vulnerable I was. 

The returned, unopened box in the dream could represent information, new data, that I previously “returned” or rejected for some reason. I think this box is full of gifts that I refused previously and now they have returned to be opened. I seem unsure about taking these gifts. In the dream I worry about getting in trouble for it, so perhaps I am worried the information in these gifts will cause problems for me. Or maybe the gift is revealed by the scene that follows? 

As for the sweater and comfort portion of the dream, I recognize that my ex’s behavior stemmed from his emotional immaturity and an inability to navigate the changes in our relationship in a mature way. He allowed his sexual frustrations to overwhelm him and used his physical size to intimidate and coerce me into doing what he wanted. This worked for a short while, but as I developed and maintained healthy boundaries for myself, explaining as often as I could what I needed and wanted, his tactics failed. His response was to double down on his efforts to the point that he began to verbally and physically harass me. The more he pushed, the more I pulled away. So his efforts backfired on him. All he wanted was to be comforted, his ego stroked and his sexual desires satiated. Thus, the dream showed him doing what he should have done but was unable to do for his lack of maturity and the rage he felt for being denied his carnal desires. 

I hope he has learned from his experience with me. I hope he has become more emotionally mature. Perhaps this new girlfriend has given him what he was seeking? Will he abuse his gift? Who knows.

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Dream: Meeting the Devil

Some dreams to report (haven’t had good recall lately).

Dream: Meeting the Devil

I dreamed I met with the devil and we had a talk. lol I don’t really remember much of the dream but when I woke I knew I had a heart-to-heart with the devil. I vaguely recall sitting across from a shadowy male figure and feeling a sense of shame. As I woke I heard, “It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself.” With this came an understanding that there is no right or wrong, just lessons. 

I feel my talk with the devil was actually a conversation with my shadow self – the part of me I would rather not acknowledge exists.

Dream: Return of the Dark Haired Man

Initially, I was in a room with my mom in an unfamiliar setting that seemed to be from the distant past. I was wearing a blue, fitted dress from perhaps the late 1800’s to early 1900’s. My mom had decided to take my sister somewhere and didn’t invite me. I was upset and asked her how she could intentionally forget to invite me. My feelings were hurt. Note: I’ve had similar dreams of my mom and sister suggesting past lives where my drug addicted sister was the “favorite” and I was invisible. This suggests this lifetime may be a reversal of that lifetime, perhaps to gain perspective.

The scene shifted and I was on a race track (fast track – guides mentioned this in previous dreams) like one would see at a school. I could see the dotted lines separating the individual lanes on the dark asphalt. I turned to look behind me and saw a young man with dark hair sitting in the bleachers. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he seemed to be wearing a hospital gown or robe. I could see his arms wrapped around his bare legs for comfort. I felt from him that he was in pain, emotional pain, from heartbreak and other similar life events. I felt immense love for him and resisted an urge to go up to him. I remember thinking, “He’s like me.” Then, as I stared at him he looked up at me and I thought, “I wonder if he feels the same (draw)?”

I turned away from the man and continued along the track. As I “ran” (don’t remember having legs), I ended up on this one-wheeled skateboard-type thing (hoverboard?). I remember flying along the track which then morphed into a room and other places. I think I was at a school (lessons to learn). I zoomed so fast around corners and objects I felt I might fall off the thing but never did. It was exhilarating.

The scene shifts and I find myself at a dock (departure point) standing solidly on my feet next to some people. There was activity and a large ship (collective journey, emotional) behind me, but I can’t recall the details now or the people. The dark haired young man approached me and I immediately felt drawn to him. Someone behind me made a comment and laughed. The comment was something like, “Oh no, there he is…..” It felt like they were making fun of me and my relationship with the man. The dark haired man stood there for a bit and I couldn’t help but inch closer and closer to him. The people there snickered, but I ignored them. I just had to be as close to him as possible. The draw was impossible to ignore. I remember thinking, “I just want to be near him.” 

Reflection

Of course, I woke after this, recognizing the familiar magnetic feeling. Was this young man the same dark haired man/boy from my past? If so, was it a sign that I needed to contact my heart connection? I can do that because we follow each other on Instagram, but should I? Or is this dream merely a sign that the “link” is being restored like I was told in yesterday’s dream? 

Oh, I guess I should recount yesterday’s dream for context – it was the tail end of a dream. I saw a figure above me reaching up. He said, “We have to restore the link”. It felt like a spiritual link of some kind but I woke soon after and got no further information.

Something interesting from the dream is the person laughing about a possible relationship between me and the dark haired man. When I first had dreams and OBEs with the darked haired man/boy I had similar encounters with people who seemed to find my draw to him, and him to me, hilarious. It always bothered me because, for me at least, the draw is exceptionally real and difficult to resist and the love is overwhelming. However, considering my first dream with the devil brought up shame, it could be they are laughing not at me but at the situation. The heart connection, for me, caused me to feel shame and guilt because, at the time, I was married with three young children. That is not the case now, though. So, perhaps the laughing was there to remind me of my shame.

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Safety is an Illusion

My guides were talking to me again last night. This time it came from me wondering about an off feeling I was having. I couldn’t put my finger on it and as my mind drifted to how my life had had fallen apart in such a short amount of time. The song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down” was on my mind weeks prior, specifically the part, “But losing everything feels like the sun going down on me”. I wondered back then what I would lose, well I know now. 

Back during my heart connection days the same message came through but was with the house of cards symbolism repeating. Funny enough, the house of cards message recently reappeared. I also recently heard from my guidance, “Life is fragile”. I took from these reminders, along with others I will not mention now because of how numerous they are, that safety is an illusion and we build up our lives in a certain way so that it feels and appears safe. In this illusory safety we live out our lives happily unaware of just how easily it could all fall apart.

I am especially guilty of attempting to guarantee some sense of safety in my life. I struggle with uncertainty, but the reality is the only thing that is certain is death. The rest is akin to an imaginary safety net we alone are responsible for constructing.

All of these thoughts resulted in me recognizing how I created the exact situation I am experiencing now out of a desperate attempt to feel safe. I constructed my life, from my marriage to my job to my choice of friends and acquaintances, in an attempt to feel some semblance of safety. I lived a life that was not mine. I chose to become someone who fit into another’s life because that other seemed to have what I did not – safety, acceptance, purpose, love. I did this with all my relationships and it dictated the path I took in life and led me to exactly this place. A place of uncertainty and confusion brought on by the sudden implosion of everything my identity was build upon. 

Interesting enough, this path, the crumbling of my false self, was set in motion in 2016 but I chickened out and reverted to the only safety I’d ever known. The result was another ten years pretending I did the right thing even though my entire Being screamed otherwise. I opted to continue on despite the discomfort and that discomfort slowly turned into intolerance to the point of bitterness. I began to imagine my life as it is now. I didn’t recognize the potency of my intention at that time.

The loss was unbearable at first and the confusion extreme. This excerpt from the book, “While You are Healing” says it well:

the pure confusion
of loving someone who hurt you.
of wanting them to return to you,
but feeling relief when they don’t. 

But back to the conversation with my guidance…..

I had been thinking of how all those who I considered loved me, did not. All those who I considered family, never were. All those I considered friend turned on a dime. I recognized how none of this would have been so bad had I not chosen to alienate my Self for a sense of belonging and safety from a group I never once felt invited into. Instead, I attempted to invite myself. They only tolerated me because I was aligned with someone that was their family. When that someone rejected me, so too did they. 

I saw how this is my pattern. I heard, “How did that go?” The answer was me mentally rolling my eyes. I was asked if I had ever paved my own path. At first I thought I had not. No…but then I had. Prior to meeting my current husband I had. I was traveling a path I alone created. Doing what was best for me. I was working a full-time job, in the process of building my own house on family land, and, most importantly, actively following my life’s passion to help people via my psychic medium business. 

What had happened? Why did I stop? 

I met my second husband and slowly traded my identity for one more palatable to him and his family. I did this willingly. 

Why?

It was easier than following my own path. His path was safer because I could see it more clearly. My own path was cloudy and uncertain. I didn’t feel good enough nor was I brave enough to venture into the unknown. I had also tired of being alone. 

My guidance asked me how I felt when I followed my own path. Empowered. Successful. Excited. But also afraid and unsure of myself and extremely lonely. 

My guidance asked how I felt when I followed another’s path. Bitter, depressed, unhappy. But also secure and more certain. Although I wasn’t physically alone, I still felt alone.

My mind was taken to the present. Yesterday I applied to the local school district hoping to substitute teach or perhaps go back to school counseling. Why? I want the security of a job and to be closer to my children. 

But is this a decision made from Knowing that it is the right one? Or is it a decision made from a place of fear?

The second most definitely. 

Why choose it then?

Because the first is an unknown. I do not know what the right path is. It is cloudy and uncertain. I don’t like that. The other path is clear. I know what to expect and how it will play out. 

How has that worked out for you so far?

Mental eye roll again.

Perhaps it is time to be the leader of your own life rather than a follower of another’s?

I eventually accepted this message and fell asleep.

Dream: Circular Path

The dream began with me lounging around in my bed wearing pajamas, snacking and watching TV. I suddenly saw the time and knew I was super late to a wedding. The wedding was for three couples. I distinctly saw them in my mind as one from the past, one from the present and one from the future. 

I jumped up and began to ready myself, pulling on my formal attire and deciding not to bother with makeup or hair. I began to make my way to my car and realized I wouldn’t make it. I only had 4 minutes and the distance I had to travel was far. I decided to call and tell them I wasn’t coming. My mom answered. I apologized for my latelness and told her there was no way I could make it. She answered that everyone else was late, too, and they would wait for me. She was calm and loving in her response which eased my anxiety. 

As I reversed out of my driveway I went a bit too far. I recognized my mistake too late. It was muddy and I was likely to get stuck. Instead I felt an impact and was stopped by something that I imagined was a fence. I jumped out of the car to check the damage. Sure enough I had hit something and it was tall. It had busted out the back corner window. I noted the damage on my brand new car but shrugged it off as not being “that bad”. I got back in the car and attempted to drive. The car spun in circles and wouldn’t go straight. I got back out and flipped the car over to get to the tires. One back tire had a small, metal piece that was stuck. I unstuck it and spun the tire. It spun straight. I got back in and drove away.

I woke and immediately knew the symbolism. I was being shown my past and how I make the same decision, a decision to choose another’s path over my own, over and over again. The result it no movement forward on my own path. Instead I am stuck. In the dream I fix the tire and can finally go forward. So, I am aware now that I need to make different decisions and have the courage to follow my own path even though it is cloudy and uncertain. 

Safety is an illusion. The sooner I accept this, the better.

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Dream: Stuck in Elevator

This is the first time I’ve had a dream of being stuck inside an elevator. So much symbolism here.

I was outside walking and came across a male runner who was struggling to breathe. I reached out and touched him on the shoulder. He flinched and moved down away from my touch but not without wincing from some unknown pain. I asked him what was wrong. I don’t recall his response only that he eventually seemed to accept my help. A passerby joined me and we helped him hobble towards a building as he gasped for air. He reminded me of my ex in the dream, because he is a long-distance runner. The man’s build and energy also seemed to match but I can’t recall his face so IDK.

When we got to the it turned out to be a hotel. I went directly to the elevator, my destination the 5th floor. I don’t recall the runner man being with me at this time. A lady with children ran to the elevator as the doors were closing. I pushed the button that keeps the door open and reassured her she could come inside. The door tried to close on her and she withdrew. 

The doors closed but the elevator didn’t move. The people inside with me were confused as was I. I worried there was a malfunction. Would the elevator fall downward and kill us all? Were we trapped inside without a way out?

After a short while, someone pushed a button and the elevator lurched and began to travel up very fast but then backtracked and went down to the what I believe was the first floor. Then it lurched upward and stopped at what I thought was level 5. A woman and her friend were relieved when the doors opened and they rushed out. It was level 7, not 5. There was a map of the levels on the elevator wall and level 7 shouldn’t have even been accessible from the elevator. Level 5 was the top on its route. 

The elevator doors closed with the rest of us inside. I stayed because I thought, “Maybe it is working now?” It continued and took us down. I think it stopped on the ground floor. I opted to exit because the elevator shut down and needed repair.

When we got out, the group dispersed. I went to get a cup of coffee. My ex was at the buffet where the coffee and juice machines were. I remember distinctly how hotel-like it all was. I selected a small paper cup for my coffee but it was full of used coffee filters and trash. I pulled out the trashed cup and the rest were the same. I held it up to my ex and commented, “All the cups are dirty, I wonder if they have more.” As I looked around for an employee to assist, my ex sat a large cup of steaming hot coffee on the counter in front of me. It was at least five times the size of the cup I was seeking, way more coffee than I wanted. I turned my back on the large cup and my ex. The feeling I got was that I didn’t want what he had offered. I felt insulted. 

Considerations/Symbolism

Elevators represent consciousness with awareness going up as the elevator goes up and awareness going down as the elevator goes down. I think of the levels as the chakras in this case since the top floor was level 7 and there are 7 chakras. I wanted to go to the 5th level, throat chakra and communication. The elevator being stuck and its unpredictable behavior reflects the state of the people inside. The elevator went to 7 but I didn’t get off. Perhaps I am not seeking that kind of awareness right now? I end up getting off at the root chakra level, which is all about survival, feeling safe and stable in life. It is the foundation chakra. I get off on the 1st floor reluctantly, uncertain where the elevator will go if I do not and not wanting to end up stuck inside. 

The man running, if he is symbolic of my ex, is in distress. He can’t breathe. Is he feeling suffocated or is his struggling in some way I do not have knowledge of? Or perhaps this is his future and I am being shown he will need my help, though he will at first be unwilling to accept it because it causes him pain? This second seems more likely but it could be both. 

Later, my ex gives me coffee. Coffee is awareness. I am seeking it, just not in the amounts he gives me. I think his awareness gift is too much for me so in the dream I reject it. It may also be that I do not want to see his side of things as I am too caught up in my own struggles. What I want is full of trash and debris, indicating things that are distracting me from even a little awareness of the situation.

The symbolism of the hotel and elevator both represent transition, change and the temporary nature of certain life situations. Dreaming about hotels could be connected to feelings of uncertainty, impermanence, or being in a transitional phase life. It might also reflect experiences and feelings about temporary yet constantly changing environments.

Vision

I saw a large pot filled with gravely dirt. In the left corner, barely noticeable, was a tiny Venus flytrap. With it came the message, “Life is fragile.” 

I’ve never seen a Venus flytrap in a vision or dream so I had to look it up. 

  • Feeling trapped in a toxic relationship or job
  • Struggling to set boundaries with others
  • Dealing with a controlling or manipulative person
  • Suppressing your own desires or needs

The vision itself could be showing me that I need to take control and set boundaries or it may simply be showing me my anxieties. IF the vision is about me, anyway. I woke up thinking about my ex’s new relationship so it could be about him but maybe that is just what I want it to be.

Also, my first inclination was to focus on the Venus part. Venus is the planet of love and romantic relationships. The flytrap part is about enticement of prey in search of sustenance. Thus, I thought of my ex and tendency to obsess over whoever he has his romantic sights on. He is needy and hungry for “love” and will do whatever it takes to possess the individual he has his sights on. This can lead to the person his focus is on having their very life sucked out of them (energetically).

The message, “Life is fragile” seemed connected to just how small the plant was in comparison to the pot it was in. It has an ominous ring to it, or that is how I perceived the message.  

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Message: All it Takes is a Spark

I had a dream that was fairly long and detailed, though I can’t recall the conversations in it much. The man in it reminded me first of one person and then of another but I distinctly recall looking at his face and it was an oval, golden globe of moving light. He was also very tall, towering over me, and completely naked (I think I was, too). Funny enough, I can’t remember if his body was also made of light. lol

We were in a bedroom discussing my life and he was asking me questions, which I happily answered. I WISH I could remember the conversation! Anyway, I remember mentioning eating chicken breast and talking about how much I enjoyed keeping my body active and healthy. I was in a very good mood and super comfortable with him, laughing and talking a million miles a minute. He remained calm, listening intently, and told me how fascinated he was with me. He told me, “You’re amazing” or something close to that. I told him he was, too, and hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck joyfully. We hugged a long time and I sensed from him sadness connected to a belief he wasn’t good enough. Recognizing myself in him, I began to kiss him on his neck to reassure him that he was and always will be enough. He put his hand on my back and stroked my shoulder lovingly. I could feel from him that he had genuine love and appreciation for all that I am.  His touch sent chills down my spine, spreading into my root and expanding outward. The energy of it woke me. 

I was immediately upset that I woke from the dream. Why must I always wake up when it starts getting good!? A male guide was close, reassuring me. He told me what I experienced in the dream was a good thing and asked me why I avoided it. I told him I felt it led to bad things and I prefer to not experience pain, hurt, and disappointment. I was recalling the two Kundalini connections I’ve had and how they both led to disappointment and immense pain, the first much more than the second. I was reminded that what I felt was the energy of creation. To feel it is to feel ALIVE. I agreed and would love to feel it again, but not if it isn’t consistent and no lasting relationship comes of it. My experiences with it have made me very wary of K connections. Yet, I wish to totally lose myself to another, to come into complete Union. I don’t understand it.

I’ve only seen a golden man like in this dream one other time and it was also tied to the Kundalini. He was teaching me. I think he said he was my “tantra teacher”. At the time, though, I just saw him in the corner of the room, standing and looking back at me. The sight of him woke me immediately because it was so unusual. This time seeing him like that didn’t cause any reaction, I just remembered it vividly when I woke. The most vivid part is how the golden energy moved, little tiny sparks of light like golden fireflies trapped in a jar.

My guide told me, “All it takes is a spark”. Then I was shown a vision of how my energy body would slowly catch fire and not long after be engulfed in flames. I didn’t reject this at all as it seems it is always some catalyst that creates this response in me. I tend to have no control over who does it or when it happens. It takes me by complete surprise. 

It felt like my guide was showing me a glimpse of my future. If so, I’m not totally against it happening but it needs to be correct for me. I’m not looking for marriage or a traditional relationship. I don’t even think a live-in situation would work for me. I can’t deal with expectation weighing me down. I don’t want to deal with another man child, or be constantly pursued for sex, as if that is my only value. Above all, though, I need to feel absolutely safe with whoever it is.