Category Archives: Dreams

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Acceptance and Decision

Another good, solid sleep. 9+hrs of sleep with over an hour deep sleep. The more deep sleep I have, the more rested I feel.

Dreams

Ah, the wonderful sleep brought dreams again. This time no tears.

Lesson in Pleasure

This dream is hard to recall because it was the first of the night. The location reminded me of a place off-planet.  The space was full of little, spherical “pods” with openings in the very top, center, like portholes or something. Inside each pod was a living space with bed, all white. I could see from both inside the pod and outside, my perspective shifting based upon what I was thinking/saying/hearing. The conversation was mostly telepathic, though I do recall thinking words. Someone was telling me how to get back the ability to pleasure myself, as if I had forgotten or needed a reminder. Eventually I was attempting to do so and the more I focused, the more my perspective shifted to being on a bed inside one of the pods. I recall seeing my last name being typed out in lettering across the porthole above me. I woke up some pretty bad cramping which alarmed me somewhat. 

Wrong Order

The doorbell rang and it was the pizza delivery guy with our order. He was nice looking black man who acted a bit off, like he knew something I didn’t. He handed me a bag with a smirk and left. I took the bag inside, but then “turned around” to go back to the door. I opened it and yelled to him, “Thank you! Have a safe trip back!” He yelled back, “Thanks!”

Inside, I opened the bag and saw a long, coin shaped package. It said, “Cajun” on the side. This was the first indicator that it was not my order. I dumped the entire bag out and saw more things I didn’t order. Inside were five large cinnamon rolls in plastic wrap. Alongside them were various chocolates, also in plastic wrap. It was an odd combination and I thought for sure some person was upset about missing their unusual order. I figured it was probably some college student, likely male. I considered calling the pizza place but was too lazy to bother. I knew that once delivered they would not take back the order I received. 

When I woke from this dream I thought, “Sweet and Spicy” was the message. I had ordered pizza, which symbolizes wholeness, but received sweet treats, which symbolize pleasure and enjoying the good things in life. I also got Cajun seasoning, which symbolizes a desire to spice up life. My reaction to the wrong order was curiosity. I didn’t reject it outright like I might have done in real life because I can’t stand eating anything super spicy. Cajun food is NOT my style. I think too much heat/spice drowns out the food’s flavor. Anyway, the dreams suggests I am starting to accept that my original order (wholeness) will not be provided at this time. Instead I am being offered a “sweet and spicy” alternative.

Turn Around

This is the third day of seeing the message “Turn around” in my blogging. It began as a song message after a vivid night of dreaming and ever since then I’ve been seeing it when I recount my dreams. In the dreams I blog, the words “turn around” tend to pop up at least once because I physically turn around in a dream.

The message has been on my mind as I try to figure out what exactly was meant. Is it that I hit a dead end on this path and now have to turn back? Is it that I need to change my mind about the direction I am going? Or is it that I need to see something I missed that is now behind me? 

Yesterday, I thought it might mean that I need to go back to when there was a juncture in my life and reconsider the direction I took. You know how sometimes you take a trail (hiking) and suddenly find that you went the wrong way, so you turn back to find the wrong turn so you can take the right one? That is how it feels. When did I start to venture on the wrong path, though? 

I considered briefly another vision I had recently. It was of my blog header online. The body of the blog was completely blank. The feeling I got was that I had run out of things to write. My inspiration gone. My spiritual path had hit a dead end. With this I considered abandoning blogging.

Recently, I had a request for channeling services. There was a link to a psychic channeling website in the blank part of the form where the question is asked, “What service are you requesting?” I visited the website, worried the person got my name from it. I have never registered with such a site. I didn’t find my name there but it gave me a bad feeling. I waited a day to let the feeling settle and ultimately told the woman I am taking a break and couldn’t help her. Later, the reading request kept coming to mind and I allowed myself to feel into the feelings that came up. I felt “done” with that part of my life. I have no desire to give readings, do healing or channel. I honestly don’t think I ever will again. 

So, I am editing my website with a message on my Services page that I no longer offer any services. I may actually let my domain expire altogether, but that will be in 2 years. WP expires in a year.

It feels like the “turn around” message is that I need to reconsider my path. It feels like I have gone as far as I can on the one I’ve been on. So, where do I want to go now? What direction feels right to me? I wish it were as easy as just choosing a different trail because then a path is just there, visible and available if I want it. Currently, I see nothing but the same path. I guess I am in the process of heading back to the juncture. Hopefully, when I get there, it is easy to see the direction I need to go.

Maybe, for now, I am just retracing my steps back to the last juncture? Where/when was that? My guess is it might be as long ago as my Saturn Return, when I had my spiritual awakening and began to travel the path of spiritual adventures. I only think this because my desire to give readings of any kind has dwindled to nothing. Also, my spiritual experiences have followed suit. The K has calmed down to almost nothing, my OBEs and lucid experiences have been nearly nonexistent, and I feel like I’ve been forced to focus on the mundane, boring BS of life. There is nothing else but the mundane.

It does seem like my guidance has been nudging me to look at this physical reality and figure out what I want to do with my time left in it. The question keeps coming up, asking me to look at what is available to me and pick something of interest. My struggle is that so little interests me. It feels like as long as I remain undecided, stuff that is negative or unwanted will be thrown at me. For example, the on-going family drama and karmic BS between my mother and my drug-addict sister.

At this point, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my spiritual adventures are behind me. I don’t know how much more of this life I have left but, however long, I need to figure out what I want to do with it. This has been the story of my life it seems. I rarely know what I want to do (HD 1-8 Channel = mostly not-knowing). My motivation is poor (Projector). Something eventually comes up (suddenly Knowing), usually unexpectedly, and my life shifts accordingly. This is when the “path” will show itself. Until then, I just trudge along the path until what I am looking for comes into view.

I hate not-Knowing all the time. It sucks. The Knowing is amazing, though, when it finally happens. 

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Message: We All Die

Week 4 of the lucid dream course and still no lucid dreams. I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t become lucid. I sleep too deeply and if I become even slightly lucid I tend to wake up immediately. 

Dreams

Bloody Pad

I’m in a house. There are light, bright colors inside. There is a couple in a bedroom. The bed linens are white and the colors of the room are pastel yellow and blue. The couple invites me to have a threesome with them. I am distracted by my current state. Embarrassed, I tell them I can’t because I am on my period. I go into a bathroom to clean up. I’m wearing a pad and it is all bloody, the blood on my inner thighs (releasing negative emotions) is crusty. I clean vigorously.

Visit from Grandaddy

I am being shown house plans. Someone is asking me about the slope of the roof and pointing out an area that might need correction. My focus is on the roof slope and I see what is being pointed out but am unconcerned. It is in the attic (ignored emotions). I say, “Don’t go in the attic. It’s a mess.” 

Then I am inside an old house (past self). It is small and constructed of wood, distressed and faded from the years. I am sitting with my grandfather who is showing me a story I wrote for him when I was 10 years old. There are pictures and it is stapled to look like a book. In the dream I am trying to remember the book and only have  a vague recollection. He says it is from 1987. I can’t recall what he looked like now but in the dream he was younger than I knew him in life. It felt good to see him and be with him. He hands me the book to keep and I don’t want it. He asks me why and I say, “Because it means you will die.” He says to me, “We all do [die]”. I begin to cry.

Then I am out of the old house looking at it from the outside. I see the house is two parts, like divided into two separate houses (old/new). I go back to the side where I had just seen my grandfather. I open the door and look inside, calling his name. He isn’t there. Inside is very bright, as if the lights are all on, and the color is a soft white with a yellowish hue. Realizing he is gone I yell into the house, “Thank you, Grandaddy!” I don’t go inside the house because the door knob isn’t working properly. I want to go inside and look for him but don’t, thinking, “I might get locked inside.” I begin to cry.

I wake up, blink, and have a load of tears come out of my eyes. It takes me a while to return to sleep.

The last thing I remember is being in the newer side of the house. I am standing in the kitchen with a mop preparing to clean the floor. I explain the importance of cleaning with soap and then rinsing with water. I begin mopping (releasing the old, releasing the past) the floor.

Courage

I am in a car stuck in traffic (feeling stuck). Behind me there is commotion and a loud noise. I look and see a sports car coming at me too fast. I brace myself for impact but he slams on his breaks and his car spins to face the opposite direction. A larger car is coming at him fast. The sports car hits the other car and gets partially stuck underneath it. My car is slightly bumped (impacted by others, feeling out of control) but otherwise not damaged.

I get out of my car to check on the occupants of the two cars. The man in the sports car is fine, only concerned about his car. The man in the other car is dazed. I asked them both if they are okay and they both say they are. I even ask if I should call 911 but they say no. 

Then the highway turns into a large, school cafeteria (spiritual sustenance). It is crowded with people sitting at the tables. I am taken to the farthest back table where I sit down. It feels like a conference of some kind. Everyone is waiting to be served the meal. The server brings trays of food to my table last. A woman next to me pokes the rolls, which are cold and hard (ideas that no longer work). I do the same, putting butter on them to try and make them softer (giving life to old ideas). She says something to the man who brought her the food but he just shrugged. I say, “This is why I don’t sit at the back table.”

The same woman is watching a woman up at the front. She is saying critical things about her. I end up walking up the side of the room towards the front to observe the woman. She is complaining about something. I talk above the group, loud enough for everyone to hear. It is like I am giving a speech. The words that come out are well said but I can’t recall them now. I do remember I say something about coming from the heart and it taking courage. When I say the word, “courage”, I burst into tears.

I wake up and blink out tears but am not crying. 

Considerations

I haven’t seen my grandfather in my dreams in a long time.  We had a strong connection in life and he use to visit me often in dreamtime. So, it was nice to see him. I find it interesting that he gives me a book I made for him. There is a faint memory of being shown such a book by my grandmother after he died. I do remember a spiral notebook I was shown from when I was in 5th grade that was full of such stories and drawings. I think my mom gave it to me.

The reminder that we all die is similar to my recent dream about checking out. For some reason this message is repeating. 

The last dream seems to be me sending a message to myself about courage, following my heart and using my voice. When I woke from this dream I thought about a realization and subsequent decision I made to “keep my mouth shut”. I have taken note of how people react to me when I speak. Most of the time they have a negative reaction. Sometimes they act annoyed, other times their face looks pained, but often they just ignore me. I speak without an invitation, therefore, the reaction is understandable. So, my decision was/is to keep silent until asked to contribute. 

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Dream: Checking-Out

I’ve entered week three of the lucid dreaming course. So far, I’ve not had success in becoming lucid but my dream recall has skyrocketed. Last night was a marathon of dreams.

Prior to bed I asked for healing. I didn’t specify what kind and left it to my guidance. Two nights ago, I asked to be given the answer to a question, “What is the point of life?” or something similar (can’t recall my exact wording).

Dreams

Cat Supplies

This entire dream was me shopping for supplies for a new cat or kitten. Since the cat wasn’t present, I don’t know the age of the animal. 

I went along the isles looking for a litter box and cat food specifically. The litter box was high up on the shelves and the only one left. I had a worker grab it for me. When he brought it down it was one of those enclosed litter boxes.

When I woke I was thinking about how I would never own a cat and how smelly the litter boxes can be. It occurred to me that perhaps this is symbolic of a return of the feminine in my life/dreams? That is always what cats symbolize for me – the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy.

Healing

This dream is foggy now but I jotted down some notes and recall the healing portion well.

I remember traveling down a highway (life trajectory) with no cars trying to avoid being caught by someone. My SIL was there so maybe I was avoiding her? 

Then I was laying on a white table as if in a medical setting. Someone was inserting an object into my vagina. I felt a pleasurable, root chakra sensation, but it was very muted in the dream. So much so that I barely recognized what was happening. I was talking to someone and my focus was on the conversation but I cannot recall the words now or even a summary of the discussion.

The healing taking place shifted and I was watching my husband receiving healing of his own. No other person was present that I could see. I felt what he felt and it was pretty much nothing at all. There was only one very brief feeling of pleasure, like a lightening bolt, but it vanished. I recall thinking it peculiar and woke up.

New House

I was purchasing a new house in a city I once lived in. I selected it over a much more expensive one in another area. My sister was with me and we were on a boat (navigating emotion), like one of those covered tourist boats. It was anchored by the pier. I told my sister I was buying the house. Excited, I told her I only had to pay $8K for it and that I planned to get a job teaching in the area. I had a whole plan lined up. She was not happy for me. In fact, she was acting as if she were jealous of me.

Road

This dream was of me traveling very fast along a small, gravel road (life trajectory) in the country. I was flying along and at one point turned around and went back. The road was not the same, though. Instead of being clear, it was overgrown. In some places the grass was so high it was nearly impossible to traverse. I recall having to dodge large patches of overgrowth and other “vehicles”.

When I woke up, the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was going through my head. Specifically, “Turn around” was repeating. 

Visit with Friend

In this dream I arrived at my friend Angela’s house. She and her husband were sitting with me and I was happily telling them about some of my dreams (the ones above). The feeling from them was off, though, and I knew they were thinking, “This isn’t the time for this”, meaning it was not the time for me to talk about myself. They wanted me to be there for them but I was talking about me.

I got up and paced for a bit. I felt a ton of sadness coming up. I felt unwanted. As I looked around the space, I spotted something in the corner of the room. I walked over and saw it was a couple of gallons of cold milk, condensation rolling down the sides of the containers. I picked one up. It was really cold. I poured myself a cold glass of milk (nourishment, maternal instinct, family) as I told my friend, “Sometimes I feel like you want me to get the fuck out.” I burst into tears and woke up.

Checking Out

This dream was similar to another I had not long ago. I was almost lucid it was very vivid.

I stood in line at a grocery store register. As I put my items on the conveyor belt I was having a conversation with someone in my mind while also interacting with the cashier and the others in line with me. 

There was a young, dark haired girl there and I said, “Oh, you’re just a baby!” She was probably in her 20s. When I said this I thought it an odd thing to say and then realized I was “old” and my perspective had changed because of my age. 

When it was time to pay, I didn’t pay with money. Instead, I gave the cashier colored, rectangular pieces of something thick, like plastic. On the ends of each piece were pieces of Velcro of the same color as the piece. I scanned them and with the scan there were words describing aspects of my life, like life themes, along with monetary amounts. I can’t recall them now but altogether they amounted to the total for my groceries. 

While going through the motions of the dream I was thinking about life, imagining life without actual physical aging. I saw a woman (me maybe?) growing up, caught up in life, raising kids and always rushing about. Then I saw the life slowed down and it seemed time was growing short. The contrast between youth and old age was obvious, especially in terms of time. In youth there is tons of time, while in old age time seems fleeting. All along I was considering my own life and how fast it flew by.

Then I was in the bathroom relieving myself when someone banged on the door. They banged so hard the door was moving. I got up and opened the door. Standing there was the young, darked haired girl from before. I asked, “Are you in a hurry to get in here?” She nodded. I stood in the door blocking access. Teasing her, I asked why and she just looked at me like I was stupid. I told her she almost broke the door. Still amused, I stepped aside and let her in. All the while I was thinking about how young she was. The idea “Youth is wasted on the young” comes to me now as I type this. 

I asked my guide why it has to be the way it is, wondering why we have to grow old. Why can’t we just continue in young bodies? He replied to me (and it hit hard), “Everyone has to do it [die]”. I got upset at his words, the images still in my mind of staying forever young. Not necessarily living forever, but living a long life full of youth and vibrancy, without old age creeping in. I said to him, “I don’t want to die” and began to cry, slow, regretful tears. The feeling I had with my words were, “I’m not done yet. I have so much left to do.”

When I woke I lingered in bed for a while. I remember hearing myself say to my guide, “It’s not about me”. With this came full understanding that my requests had been answered.

I asked, “How long?” And heard back, “Soon”. This ultimately woke me and I wondered what I was asking about. My first thought was I was asking how long I had left to live. 

At another point I heard, “You need to move past it.” Instantly I knew “it” was the heart connection experience I had. Initially I thought my guide was wrong but pushed that aside when I felt the sadness that still remained.

Later I realized that part of the reason my dream experiences have been infrequent is because I am avoiding the healing and Knowing that comes with them. When I do have vivid dreams, they are wrought with tears and difficult messages, that’s for sure. 

Thoughts

I lingered in bed for some time thinking of the last dream, especially the part, “It’s not about me”. I could see how I’ve lived my life up until now only for myself – most of us do. Trapped in my own little Universe, I’ve missed out on so much going on around me. It is clear that I need to go about my life from now on reminding myself that “it’s not about me”. Life will show me what it is I am here to do if I just do that. But can I? How do I break a life-long habit? I don’t have much hope. My dream indicates that I am already in the process of “checking-out”. 

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Lucid Dream Technique: Seeing Hands

I’ve been trying a technique to gain lucidity in my dreams. So far I’ve not had much luck with it. Before bed I look at my hands and state, “Tonight I’ll see my hands and realize I’m dreaming”.  I’m suppose to spend 2-5 minutes doing this. This is night four. Before bed I didn’t even look at my hands, I just imagined them as I repeated the statement. Then, if I woke at any time, I repeated the statement a few times before returning to sleep.

Anyway, on to my dreams. I recalled four.

Infected Sore

I had a sore (negative influences) on my shoulder (strength, responsibility) that a young man saw and decided to help me with. Tons of puss came out. The image of it was like a pimple with a crusty scab that was inflamed. Then I watched as a girl with very long, blonde hair was showing me how she dried it (something being suppressed). She would take portions of it and wrap it with paper towels (assistance). Other portions of the dream involved a cleanup (healing) of branches and debris.

Shared House

I was with my Mom and others sharing a 1500sq ft mobile home. I mentioned to the others how we all should take it as an accomplishment that we were able to make good use of the small space. The house was on a large, rural property I recognized and had been to before. It had many small buildings and large green pastures. My mom was cleaning dishes and very tired. I suggested she have everyone staying contribute by assigning chores based upon length of time they had been there. Then I suggested the people who just arrived get the less popular chores than those that had been there longer. She agreed. 

Hands

This dream was inside the shared house. Lots of blurry memory of going through the house and running into people. The place seemed quite crowded like a gathering was taking place. There was a whole incident where a creepy man was coming onto me while I pretended to sleep. I got away from him as soon as I could. Then, I was approached by a couple. The man asked me about my hands. He was telling me he had a condition but couldn’t recall the name of it. It made his hands numb with pins and needles at times. I held up my hands in front of me and could see the tips were white. At the same time I could feel they were numb and tingly. I said, “Oh, you mean Raynaud’s Syndrome? Yeah, I have it, too.” I shook my hands to get rid of the numbness and tingling and then woke as I realized I had seen my hands in my dream. My hands were partially numb and tingling when I woke.

I was disappointed when I woke because I have seen my hands several times but this one was actually brought to my attention in the dream and I still did not realize I was dreaming. But at least the technique seems to be working.

Heart Failure

This was mostly a discussion with imagery. My aunt was dying and the family was gathered to hear about the most recent tests. The doctor was telling us the tests indicated her heart was failing. The images I recall were of loaves of bread (symbol of life), though. Then, as I woke and was telling someone about my aunt’s prognosis, I heard someone say, “You’re in danger”. 

This particular dream might have some precognitive qualities to it. My aunt has been going through chemo for breast cancer and is in her late 70’s. I don’t know how she has been but last I heard she was well. 

The dream could also be about me as the message at the end was addressed to me.


This is the second living family member to be in my dreams in the last week. The other one was my great aunt. 

Sleep Cycle 

I wasn’t wearing my Apple watch all night so the amount of time asleep is off. Lots of deep sleep and REM. I recalled four dreams and it shows four cycles of REM. The big chunk of time awake occurred because I had just seen my hands and recognized my technique impacted my dreams. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. lol 

Sleep cycle data 3/6/23
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Dream – Thursday, and Message: Get Back to Work

Still no lucid dreams. If anything, I am sleeping deeper. lol When I wake up from a dream in the night I am too lazy to turn on the light and jot down keywords like I’m suppose to. I only use the notepad in the morning hours when I’m not as drowsy upon waking.

Dream – Thursday

We had just purchased a new house that was quite grand. I recall choosing it over another house, one we had decided to buy but then pulled out of. It was like a log cabin inside with pine wood paneling everywhere (giving up control of my body) even in the rafters. Everything was wood and I recall comparing the two and preferring not to have all that wood (taking back control). I thought the pine paneling would be difficult to clean.

As I walked through I told my husband it was time to redecorate (change the environment). He questioned this and I said I wanted to replace the furniture (ideas), mainly the sofas (adopted ideas associated with family dynamics) and move some rooms. I told a man who felt to be a family member that I was going to use his room as my home gym (growth, strength). I said I worked out in the late morning so it shouldn’t be an issue if he wanted to still sleep there. He agreed. The man was young, thin and had blonde hair. He was somewhat familiar.

There is some loss of recall and the next I am standing in the center of a great room in the house. I was doing a ceremony where I breathed in something from a wide, shallow, dark metal bowl and then went into a kind of trance. While in this trance I would drop to the floor but never land. Instead I would float there and have visions. In one vision I was standing in front of a great lake. It was dark (the unknown, mystery) and I could see reflections of the moonlight (feminine) on the calm water (emotion). It was quite beautiful. In the vision I knew something was coming. It felt like an invasion. As I came out of the vision I said, “Thursday”. 

In the last vision I drank what looked like old cooking oil from the bowl. I recall seeing tiny, white flowers floating in the liquid. Again I felt myself fainting and falling but I floated slowly down and gently landed. Then I shifted to a position outside of myself. I saw myself standing in the room wearing a black, hooded outfit. This dark hooded version of myself smiled revealing teeth that were shaved into sharp points (something is coming to an end, expressing emotion). There was no feeling of ill will but I remember thinking, “Vampire” (something is draining my energy), yet it didn’t feel like I was the vampire. Regardless, the feeling was that a part of me was waking up and she was prepared for a fight. It looked likely she would win. 

Message to Myself

When I woke I was surprised about the dream but did not write it down. Instead I fell back to sleep, or a very light version of it. 

I was awakened by a message. In the dream/vision I was talking to someone. I said something I can’t recall now and their reply came via a text I was typing on my phone. I could see my fingers as they hit the phone screen. As I typed, the letters flew up into the air and floated together forming the message: “Get back to work.” 

Waking, I immediately I asked, “What work?” I got no reply and have no idea what work it references.

When I looked up the symbolism of having sharp teeth it is about hard work and increased efforts to express ones self. It indicates a need to make my presence known and my voice heard. 

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Dreams of Caution

There was a massive solar storm in the last 24 hours. This created disruptions in my sleep patterns. Thankfully, last night I was able to return to my regular sleep cycle. I had very deep sleep and woke up feeling rested and groggy like I could sleep more.

I had some cool dreams. I think keeping a notepad next to my bed and writing down dreams as they happen has been helping my recall. Unfortunately, I did not become lucid at any point in the night.

Dream Message: I’m Ready When You Are

In the first, I was meeting up with a man who resembled an ex who I had a really intense sexual connection with. It felt like a reunion meeting.

In the beginning of the dream, we were both at the bank (reserve energy) where I was making a withdrawal (favorable situation). I had withdrawn a huge bundle of cash and was carrying it around but couldn’t find anywhere to keep it safe because it was too big. I eventually asked the bank teller for an envelope to put it in. I took it with me when I went with the man and I lost track of it after being distracted by him. I was frantic looking for it and he smirked and showed me he had it. I laughed because he was being “cheeky” and remembered this was his usual sense of humor. The message was to “lighten up”.

What I recall the most is that I was enjoying being around him. He made me feel alive. At one point he passionately tossed me on the bed as we were making out. He was curious and questioned why I didn’t have an orgasm right then and there, just from being tossed on the bed. I told him that wasn’t usual for me and he seemed to think it was for other women who had been with him. I thought it strange in the dream but didn’t become lucid because of it. Plus, we didn’t do anything sexual. However, I could feel a strong attraction to him and it felt like we were “together” in the dream.

The man had to leave for a while and was conscious of how this normally would bring me anxiety. I recall telling someone, “I love him” but knowing it was not love but my addiction to the amazing energy shot I was receiving. However, I recognized I had learned from past lessons and so knew it was wise to have some distance between us considering how I tend to get overly energized being around a connection like that for too long. In the dream I was thinking Manifesting Generator (highest energy of all HD types). I recognized that, in the beginning of a relationship with someone with a defined sacral, I tend to crave being around them. It is like a drug and I can’t get enough. They can’t either. I also saw how, after some time, that craving could easily turn around and bite me in the ass. 

When he returned, I was calm and unaffected by his absence. I remember there being an understanding that we had both grown wiser in our time apart. We had matured greatly. He told me that he was gone because his family home had been burglarized and renovations were needed. Only a few things were taken but the damage had to be repaired. 

I woke up, still feeling the amazing energy of connection and thinking about how alive it made me feel. As I began to drift back to sleep, I recognized I was conversing with someone, the man from my dream I think. He said to me, “I’m ready when you are.” This woke me completely and I replied, “I’m ready”. 

What it is I am ready for I am not sure but I ended up returning to sleep and had a series of dreams after.

Dreams of Caution

I was with a group of college aged people. We were lounging on floats in the water (emotion, healing) of a donut-shaped pool. There had been a volcanic eruption (Kundalini) nearby. One of the students, a male, purposefully jumped into the water knowing it could kill him. He died immediately. It was only then I realized how hot the water was as a result of the eruption. I watched his body float away as we all scrambled away from the water. Some of us had been trapped on floats further away and had to risk it and jump in. I was one and when I got in the water was hot but not boiling.

Once out of the water I ended up in a car (life path) driving down a highway in the mountains. My view was obstructed, however, by a heavy blanket and pillows. I kept pushing them out of the way, putting them in the other seats but the blanket was so huge it kept obstructing my view. This happened a few times, scaring me because I couldn’t see the road. On the last time I lost control when I couldn’t see a sharp, downhill turn, and fishtailed into the ditch. Both myself and my car were unharmed.

While this was happening a male voice was talking to me. I suspect what he was saying was what I was seeing/experiencing in the dream. He was warning me. Based upon the symbolism it appears that my high caution and protective measures will obscure my clarity (vision) which could lead to my losing control of my vehicle.

As I was coming out of this dream there was one last part. I was startled by something behind and turned around quickly. Behind me was a massive white semi-truck. It had pulled up behind me and was still running. I heard the male voice ask, “Are you ready?” Semi-truck = hard work, transformation, strength in adversity.

This is the third time in a short period I’ve seen a semi-truck in my dreams.

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Lucid Dreaming Course Notes

Last week I started a lucid dreaming course. Normally I wouldn’t bother but the course kept coming up and I figured, “Why not? Maybe I will learn something new? If anything it will be a good reminder.”

The following are points that apply to me. There is much more content, of course, but these are the most applicable to my current situation.

1. It is not recommended to attempt lucid dreaming if you are depressed or frequently experience moments in waking reality that seem dream-like. 

2. Older people tend to have less emotional energy and therefore have to work harder to lucid dream. He gave an example of how senior citizens don’t see the point and struggle to find motivation to even try while young people are excited to try. He suggested that older people try to get more positive and focus on maintaining positive, higher energy to take with them into dreamtime.

3. You need a goal when you dream. Going into a lucid dream without a goal is not enough to sustain it.

With number 1, I am definitely depressed, and this fits into my realization that the reason I’m not having experiences (OBEs, lucid dreams, Kundalini, anything at all) is because I am so disinterested in life and pretty much everything. Lack of interest in the waking world has seeped into all other areas. Long ago I decided I didn’t care about dreams anymore and no longer paid attention to them. My husband also told me that “no one cares about my dreams” and he doesn’t understand why I spend so much time writing about them in my blog (ugh).

I got into the habit of waking, recalling the dream and thinking, “It doesn’t matter” and going back to sleep. Of course I then forget the dream. Sometimes I will still remember, but not usually. And it is frequent that I look around me and think of waking reality as unreal and dreamlike. I don’t hallucinate or have any confusing experiences but the dreamlike quality of life is real to me. However, I’ve always been this way and it did not pose a problem in the past except maybe at one point I had to deliberately stop going OOB because I was having confusing waking experiences.

With number 2, now that I am in my 40s I have noticed that my sleep cycle has changed. I sleep much more deeply and when I wake up in the night the heavy feeling and grogginess pulls me quickly back into sleep. Even when I do have slight awareness in dreams I end up feeling so very heavy that I actually choose to return to that oblivion rather than take advantage of the awareness and lucid dream. So, if this translates to emotional energy level, then I can relate. 

For number 3, I frequently run into the issue of having no goal or direction. I enter a lucid dream or OBE and have no idea of what to do. I feel like I’ve done it all and when I ask to be shown things, I get nowhere. So, I go explore and end up finding restrictions such as windows I can’t go through, solid walls and objects, and find places/environments that really don’t interest me. It feels like physical waking reality and since I’m not interested in that then it translates to no interest in astral or lucid states.

Creating a Dreamsign

In the course, one assignment was to find a dreamsign to use to help bring lucidity in a dream. The sign should make you pause and think in a dream, thus bringing on lucidity. It took me no time to figure out what mine was – a cat. Not only do I not like them but when I see them I am immediately curious as to why they are there. Sometimes there is a group of them chasing me or at other times they are bedraggled and sickly. No matter what I always wake up with memory of them.

I didn’t think much when I set the intention before bed. I said that I would see an orange cat and wake up in the dream (I used the wrong words and this is important). Well, the first dream I had there was an orange cat. I remember thinking, “A cat!” and then I woke up immediately and with a start. lol

So, the wording is important and in this case it caused me to wake up. I should’ve said, “When I see a cat it will bring increased awareness” or “When I see a cat I will know I’m dreaming”. Sigh.

I’m pretty sure another one of my dreamsigns is that I receive a message, either written or spoken, in a dream. I have worked hard to remain in the dream to receive the full message. In the past it would wake me immediately.

It is frustrating to me that I either wake up too fast or choose to sink deeper into unconsciousness. This is a clue to what is happening in my waking reality. When I’ve looked more closely at why this is, I realize that it all started around 2018 as the result of two unpleasant experiences related to the Kundalini. Both I’ve written about in this blog. One is the heart connection and the other is a subsequent connection that involved the lower four chakras and had no heart chakra involvement. The second experience was similarly upsetting and disappointing but did not devastate me like the first.

If I look even closer I realize that these experiences caused me to feel betrayed by my HS, the Universe, All That Is. It made me feel like a pawn. I was played. I don’t like feeling like a fool, and that is exactly how I felt after these experiences. And to my betrayed mind, because both were preceded by dream encounters, I opted to dull that part of myself so as to not get fooled again. I also consciously asked for my heart to close where it had once been open. I figured if my heart isn’t open then it can’t be decimated.

My early spiritual experiences came easily because I had no biases, beliefs or previous experiences. I was a blank canvas, naïve and open to anything new and exciting. Often my guidance would show me this in OBEs. For example, one time I ran naked towards a familiar guide and he took a white, circular table cloth and covered my nakedness. This came with a warning that it wasn’t wise to be so open. Nakedness = vulnerability. He was, of course, correct, and I got burned.  

So far the course has been helpful in that it has shown me why I am having an extended dry spell. Still, I don’t have high hopes that much will change. I am keeping a written dream journal by my bed and forcing myself to write notes so that I recall more. I am setting intentions and following the suggestions in the course. If anything, it is a good reminder and gives me something to do. 

Here is a link to the course I am taking if you are interested.

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Dream: Healing the Wounded Feminine

What a relief! The heavy, tense, depressed energy has cleared and I am feeling so much more positive! 🙂

Dreams

Had some major healing dreams last night. I tried staying awake when I woke around 2am so that I would have a lucid dream or OBE. Instead, I woke a couple of hours later in tears from an intense, eye-opening dream. 

I think there were two dreams very close together that were on the same topic.

In the first one, I was being asked questions about considering a relationship with someone. It played out as both a dream and discussion with interludes in between where I was left to ponder the information.

The visuals were of us meeting in a plain white room to have sex and I would leave despite him wanting me to stay, talk, connect, etc. I wasn’t interested in anything deeper. It was a kind of “friends with benefits” situation but in real life I wouldn’t even call us friends, more like acquaintances. I was asked why I chose to do this and I explained that I didn’t see a point – I have everything I need and want in life. I listed out my children, my home, my job and even my current relationship. It was clear I saw the prospect of having a more meaningful, deeper connection with this guy as a distraction and waste of time.

There wasn’t a distinct shift into the next dream. I entered a room where I watched as a FB acquaintance of mine had agreed to connect with a man. “Connect” here would be defined as coming into Union; a Kundalini connection ie. merging of the masculine and feminine in physical reality. I recognized her straight away. She is stunningly beautiful IMO. She was laying down and the man was kneeling over her. They were facing each other and she had completely let go, opening herself up to him in all ways. In her vulnerability the man had full control and I could feel the energy between them. It was intense but muted in the dream. He asked her to guide him so that he could give her what she wanted and needed. When she told him what she needed he paused and sat back on his heels. Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said something insulting and degrading but I can’t remember his exact words now. She immediately shut down and curled up into a fetal position. The man laughed. 

I felt horrible for her as I could feel what she was feeling. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I approached her and knelt down beside her. I asked her what she needed. I was shown her wounds. It was quite shocking. I saw a visual of the man cutting away her entire left side. He left it on the ground next to her. It looked like a giant piece of jerky, a cut from her armpit to her hip bone. It was clear the man had stolen a part of her and it had a physical impact as well as an emotional and spiritual one.

Then I was laying down next to her dressed in a white shift. A woman asked me what I needed. It was like I was the other woman as well as myself. I could feel everything she felt plus my own stuff. I told her how I felt but the memory of it is not in words but in actual feelings. The feeling is immense grief, sadness and depression, more than any person should have to carry. I wanted only to sleep, to somehow escape the heaviness of it all. 

It was at this time I reached out my hand and found the hand of the other woman who was laying injured beside me. I could see her delicate hands almost lifeless next to me. I gently opened her fingers and held her hand. She gripped my hand and I took my other hand and placed it on top. The message I sent her was, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” When I did this I began to sob. It was as if I could feel all the pain and grief of every woman who has ever existed. 

Realization

I woke up with tears still streaming down my face and processed all the information that was still coming through from the dream. 

Prior to sleep I had watched a show about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil. I had studied this group when in college and so was interested in how things had changed since then. In the end, it reminded me of how important balance is, not only to the planet but to humanity. I had gone to sleep thinking of this balance, especially between masculine and feminine.

I had also decided that if I woke in the night and had slept for at least five hours that I would try to stay awake long enough to sort of “reset” my sleep clock so that I could more easily lucid dream or go OOB. So, around 2am, this is what I did. I had a sense that something was going to happen anyway, but I didn’t know what.

Why this sense? For two nights prior I had dreams of driving trucks. In one it was a semi-truck and in another just a regular truck. Both were white. I rarely dream of trucks and it is even rarer that I’m driving. Trucks in general represent hard work. In both dreams the context indicated healing work. There was also focus on the second chakra, which I have long had issues with (most women do).

So when I awoke there was complete understanding about the healing taking place and why. 

The first dream indicates that I am avoiding deeper connections, specifically with men. I give many reasons for this, but the real reason is revealed in dream two. It became crystal clear to me that I push away deeper connections with men because of a massive wound, a wound that all women have. It is the result of men misusing their power over women, using it to control, manipulate, abuse and enslave. 

Though I don’t mention it in the second dream, I could feel the very natural, vulnerability of being a woman along with the many gifts of the feminine. That vulnerable feeling is our natural state. We are made to be healers, to nurture and protect our children, to nourish our family, to flow in love and support of others. We willingly open ourselves up to the masculine as our protectors and initiators of change. To feel this way is a relief but with it comes something unnatural – fear. I now understand that fear more fully. 

In the Yanomami documentary, the women of the tribe get to a point where they have to come together in order to provide what the men cannot. The men can’t find enough game to hunt because of changes in the ecosystem brought about by heavy mining by the white man. Their water has been tainted with mercury and the forest cut down. Many of the men go with the miners back to the city and don’t come back. So the woman have had to take on the additional role of provider. They weave baskets to trade for food.

The wound I carry and all women carry was very obvious in the early morning hours. I asked my guidance, “How do I heal it?” The answer I received was, “A man”, and saw that the only way to heal, for me at least, was to find a man who can fully step into his role. The hardest part for me would be to open up fully to him, to be vulnerable and allow him the power I fear he will abuse. 

The only way to overcome fear is to face it. 

I could also see how many women have chosen other women to fulfill the masculine role. The acquaintance in dream two is one of those women. I know instinctively this is not a path for me. However, it is often other women who are best at helping one another find their hidden feminine gifts. Society has taught women to be more masculine than they are naturally inclined to be. We have to rediscover our feminine nature. For me, it has been through K connection (merging) that I’ve finally glimpsed my full, feminine potential. 

Finally, it was crystal clear that any healing I do on myself is also done on all women. Like I said in the dream, “We’re in this together.” 

I know it is possible for me to do what is needed, to be fully open and vulnerable. I have done it before. In the past I was not given what I needed, similar to the dream, so I retreated and my walls went back up. I doubt I will ever trust this particular individual again and it saddens me. I wish I wasn’t so cautious. I wish my natural defense mechanisms wouldn’t kick in automatically, but they do. My Ego/logical mind says, “Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.” 

This song was on my mind when I woke. When I researched the lyrics this section indicated to me:

So, I made you think that I would always stay
I said some things that I should never say
Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine
And now you won’t love me for a second time

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Dream Message: The Walls will Crumble

It has been a while but I finally had some vivid, memorable and informative dreams.

Dream: Laughing Over the Hill

The dream is fuzzy but I remember walking along a long, paved road in the country towards a town in the distance. The road (life path) had no lines on it and it was very straight with only a slight rise in slope as it progressed towards the town. I couldn’t see the town, though, all I saw was a glimmer of sunlight in the distance like a sunrise or sunset.

I walked off the road at some point and walked along a path that had handrails along it. I began to run and ran through some trees to where there was an very steep drop to a vast green field. I ran into the field, arms wide, feeling freedom and relief. The grass was a pale green and tall, up to my knees. It was a soft, pastel green, that soothed my soul (healing).

I was about halfway into the field when I stopped, looked up at the complex and lost my breath. It was so massive that it intimidated me. It looked alien and somewhat military, but I didn’t know what it was. The combination of the massive structure and vast, endless sky overwhelmed me. There was a fleeting thought that someone would soon become aware of my presence and I didn’t want to find out what they might do about it. Feeling quite exposed, I turned back towards the tree line. When I got there, I lay down in the green grass, arms and legs splayed, waiting for the sun to rise. 

With the trees just behind me, I waited there, and saw a glimmer of orange in the sky indicating the sun was soon to rise. A song was in my head and I sang aloud, feeling happy and relaxed. The sun rose in front of my eyes and the murky twilight was chased away by its rays. 

A man’s voice broke the silence and I sat up, still humming the song. I don’t remember seeing him, just hearing him. He was asking me a question, but I can’t remember it now. I got up, sensing he was a groundskeeper or caretaker of the property, and walked up to the tree line.

From there the dream shifts and I am talking with a woman about the complex. I don’t know if it is the massive one I saw or another one. It felt like a museum but also a place of learning. I walked along the railed paths and saw children. Was it a school? I remember discussing this. I recall thinking of my children and smiling to myself. It is such a great joy to watch them learn and grow.

The topic of the song I had been singing came up. It is hard to recall now but I remember singing it and it had “fa la la”. When I woke up this morning I had an old song on my mind from my childhood.

“Laughing singing, laughing singing, come the children over the hill. Fa la, la la la, la la la la, Ha, Ha, Ha, laughing over the hill.”

Dream: College Discussion

I was with a young man inside a space like a room. We were discussing completing degrees and he was doing his online. I remember happily asking him questions and he informed me that he was taking his classes from a school in Indiana while he was residing in another state. He was where I was so in the dream I assumed he resided in the same state as me. I told him that, unlike him, I went to the state where my college was located and completed my degree there. This was the entire dream and it seemed like I was communicating that there are two ways to learn – from a distance or in-person. I had selected in-person. This disccussion was a reminder that I chose to come to Earth to do “hands-on” learning.

Dream Message: Crumble Down

This dream was nearly lucid. 

First, there was a dream prior to the most lucid part. In it I was inside a house looking out massive floor-to-ceiling windows. It was clear that I was high up. I had a phone in my hand and was trying to take pictures and video (seeking to recall info) but when I turned on the camera and pointed the phone at what I wanted to record the screen showed something very different from what I was looking at. Instead I saw the inside of a house, but not the house or apartment I was in. I turned to check and sure enough it was not accurate to where I was located.

I fiddled with the phone and opted to just look through the camera into this other place. I saw the back of someone’s head. The hair was blonde and cut short and they felt to be a young man, maybe a teenager. I looked around via the camera and saw a modern kitchen with straight lines and white cabinets and counter tops. I walked up to where the counter was and moved something to use as a test, a package of food like bread I think. I tried to take a photo and couldn’t, even when I flipped the camera around. 

Then the young man I had seen in the screen was next to me and we began to interact. We walked along a covered path that ran along vast fields of various crops. There was wheat and another, fat leafed crop I didn’t recognized. I remember planting seeds (creation) in the areas where the crops had not flourished and coming back around to check on them after some time had passed. They hadn’t grown as much as I had liked and I touched the soil. One section was moist but not the other. The areas also didn’t get as much sun as they should. I concluded the seeds were not getting enough of what they needed to grow (lack of energy, growth).

Then we were back inside. The blonde man was with me but so were some younger children. The topic of accidentally seeing a sibling naked (vulnerable, open) came up. With the discussion came visuals and memories of me trying to hide my nakedness. I remember saying that at some point I just stopped caring if anyone saw me naked. There was a feeling with saying this, like relief and utter lack of concern, that seemed to opened me up to the shift that came next.

I was laying prone (face down) on a table, completely naked. I could feel a pleasant massaging of my back. It was slow and sensual and every touch relaxed me more. It was warm but the touch was not like normal touch. Instead it was energetic, as if each touch was opening up a new part of my energy body, allowing the energy to flow fully into places that once had restricted flow. I could feel the energy, but only slightly, as if it was muted.

While laying there I got flashes of the person providing me with this massage. I cannot recall his features now but he was not familiar to me. He had large, brown eyes and was quite thin. I want to say his skin was darker than mine, but it is hard to say. 

We were talking and I called him by name: John. What he told me I repeated aloud to myself. When I repeated his words there was a visual. I could see myself as if I was watching from over the top of my prone body. I could see that I was completely naked and I could see walls all around me. The walls were silvery and translucent and were not very high, only about a foot higher than my body. With the words I spoke I saw all the walls crumble down, outlining my body in a silvery dust. The words are lost to me, unfortunately, but there were three sentences. The feeling upon waking was that something would happen that would make it impossible for me to keep those walls in place. When they fell, they would all crumble at the same time. 

When I saw/said this, I shifted my awareness back to the me laying on the table. I had a strong urge to turn around and look at the man helping me. The urge made me want to give back to him what he was giving me. The sense of the energy was familiar and magnetic but also very gentle and loving. My entire body felt alive with this energy. Had I felt it fully it most definitely would’ve woken me. 

As it was, the energy was strong enough that my lucidity peaked and I lingered in the in-between for a bit. The man’s voice was with me in the in-between and I called him John again. He explained that all it would take was one “touch” and my walls would fall. With his words there was a sense that I have had before. When it happens I energetically open up, completely vulnerable and all defenses vanish. I’ve experienced this before. It is the most beautiful thing. There are no words to describe it.

Considerations

The above dreams together seem to indicate several things. One, I desire freedom but something is holding me back; I am afraid. Two, my path of learning is a hands-on, in-person one. Three, I am being asked to change my focus (the camera dream). Four, I am being warned that at some point in the future I will encounter someone or something that will break through my defenses. 

When I woke I lingered in bed feeling really groggy. I had a visual of myself once again. In it, I was laying in a fetal position and thought to myself, “I’m in a cocoon.” The walls from the dream are my protection. My Knowing tells me I’ve been in this state for some time and that it is purposeful. There is nothing wrong with it. I will emerge at exactly the right time.

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Disturbing Spirit Encounter

Went out to my mom’s yesterday to measure the RV for a flatscreen in the bedroom. It will fit a 40in! Taking out the old, bulky TV was not difficult but we made the mistake of taking out the larger one over the front. It was as if they built the shelving around the TV. My husband had to knock it hard to get it to come free. Unfortunately, it revealed a huge hole containing wires and such. We also found a handful of loose change and a country CD from 2000. lol

The cleanup was messy but I got most of the debris with the vacuum and broom. We need to take our upright vacuum out there to suck up some of the sawdust. My husband had to use a circular saw to cut two hanging boards and so there is dust all over the front end.

The idea in the back is to mount the TV and use the space behind it for storage. We’re not quite sure how we are going to do that yet. Either we build a “secret door” and mount the TV to it or we just mount the TV at the back of the open shelf and position it to cover the opening. 

In the front, well IDK. My husband wants to take the RV to an RV Shop and see if they can fix it and some other things. He should call and find out today (if he remembers). If I have extra time I might start in the bedroom with painting the walls and maybe the cabinets. I most definitely want to paint the walls. It may be a big undertaking, though, so not sure if I should if I am going to be sleeping in there.

We walked up on the hill of our soon-to-be 6.2 acre plot. I thought there use to be a road up there but if there was it was overgrown. My step-father was there and walked with us. He said it will be hard to get electric to the spots I have picked out. He said the electric company is very specific about where they place new poles. My husband suggested we just do it ourselves, running it undergrown alongside the waterpipe once we figure out where we will build. We agreed that a clearing should be done selectively, preserving as many trees (even the junipers) as possible so that it maintains the wild look we like. My husband wants it to resemble a lodge we frequent, with trails and sitting areas all about. I like his idea.

Good news is that the Wi-Fi is good enough for me to work from the RV when I am there! Yay! I plan to go out next week, probably Wednesday after I’ve cut checks for the week. I’ll stay the rest of the week and into the weekend. It will be a nice break. I might request a work laptop rather than try to use my tiny laptop like I did in Costa Rica. The keyboard is smaller and the screen not big enough for what I need. Regardless, it is good to know the internet is not going to be an issue. 

My spirits are way up compared to what they have been because of the plans with the RV and land. My husband even commented saying that he is pleased to see me so happy and it makes him want to do more in terms of creating a retreat space for me. This is very good news because he has been reluctant to help me up until now.

The bad news is that our tax bill is likely to be extremely high this year. Plus we have a loan recapture payment. With both we may end up with nothing in savings. Without the cash, building a cabin will take longer. I don’t want to get a loan for many reasons, mainly to avoid a mortgage payment but also because loans have requirements that will force us to make the cabin like any other house. I want it to be off-grid and I won’t make any compromises. My plan is to have solar panels with electric available but only as back-up. I don’t want a septic at all. Mortgages require a septic and in this area an aerated system, which is costly and requires a contract with a company to maintain it.

Sleep Disturbance

Around midnight last night I was awakened by something a bit disturbing. I was dreaming and remember a woman grabbing both my breasts, holding them in her hands and pressing hard against my chest. She was also shaking me a bit as if trying to get me to move. I remember her saying, “I hate you!” I don’t remember the dream aspect of it too vividly, just the very real feeling of her “attack”. I told her to stop and she wouldn’t listen. This is when I woke up.

When I awoke I could still feel her hands on my breasts but the pressure and pushing had stopped. I sent a mental query in case she was actually present. I heard back, “This is my house!” There was quite a bit of anger and I figured she was probably an Earthbound. I told her, “No it’s not. Now get out!” 

Eventually I had to get up and use the restroom and when I returned to bed I put up protection around my bedroom and then the entire house. I also said the Lord’s Prayer just in case because I could still feel her energy around. I told her one final time to go away and then returned to sleep and had no more encounters with her.

Strangely my children have been having odd encounters now and again. I laughed them off because they seemed minor. My daughter actually just had one a few nights ago. She said she could hear someone breathing right next to her had while she was laying in bed. She said it freaked her out and when I asked if she was afraid she said no. She said she just ignored it and fell asleep. I thought she might be asleep when this happened but she told me she had just gotten up to use the bathroom and was wide awake. I told her it seemed like someone in Spirit was attempting to scare her and to just ignore it, reminding her that they can’t hurt her.

I’ve decided to smudge the house just in case. I’ve had Spirit encounters in this house before but nothing like what I experienced last night. When I first started going OOB I had similar experiences and my house was a Spirit hot-spot with actual sightings (my BIL saw a man standing in my window, I heard the man yell at me and also saw him move the blinds to get my attention). 

Featured image is the entrance to the road leading to the back acreage (trees way in the background).