Category Archives: Messages

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Lucid Dream: Releasing Burdens

The week has been mostly uneventful. I had some reminders from the Universe, specifically the number 222 and 444. I took a picture of the 222 as a reminder. The 444 came on a day when I was feeling a bit down in general. Turns out 444 is about protection, guidance and alignment on one’s path. 222 is about balance, collaboration, love, partnerships and harmony. 222 carries significance regarding twin flames.

On Friday, while attending my son’s choir concert, I accidentally dropped my phone. When I picked it up there was a picture that looked like a fire full of Spirits. Pretty wild!

Dream: Child Spy

I was in a dark theater type space. A big screen was in front with nothing on it. A man was speaking to the group. I only remember myself and a woman with a small child and a man. I don’t recall what the man was talking to the group about, only that I had my computer and linked it to the screen so that my screen was projecting to the group. I remember seeing my home page on the big screen.

As the man finished up and the group began to leave, the woman got up holding the child in her arms. I think she mentioned to the man that the child had a condition. She said he was a spy. I spoke up, saying that being a spy wasn’t a condition I’d ever heard of. I then mentioned that the man had been talking about cardiovascular conditions but I lost interest and started to fall asleep during the lecture. 

I disconnected my computer, put it in its case and got up to leave. I exited the dark theater via double glass doors. Outside it was also dark. I began to walk and soon found myself walking along an unfamiliar street. Very few cars were out and I saw the man and woman in front of me (no child). The man had a police badge on his belt and was wearing a uniform that was navy with a large, black stripe down one side. He also had a hat and a whistle. I thought he looked foreign and watched as the woman crossed the street. The man followed. Since I had no idea where I was or where I was going, I followed the man. 

When I got to the other side of the road I walked randomly towards a large intersection. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to get home but I had no idea where I was or how to get there. The intersection was confusing. There were arrows painted on the asphalt. Those closest to me went to the right but I saw several other lanes going random directions beyond it. I tried to open navigator in my phone but couldn’t get a good signal and I was already in motion, my body lifting up as if carried by an unseen wind.

I flew/drove quite quickly over the road and tried to follow the arrows on the road. The road went straight and cars were coming towards me. I worried I was going the wrong way but as soon as I thought that, cars passed by me going the same direction as me. The headlights were bright but I was able to see enough to not get discombobulated. A map popped up in my mind more than once, showing a route marked in red heading to my destination. I couldn’t see the destination but the route was going to take a long time and kept rerouting so it was hard to tell what was going on. I finally thought to myself, “I don’t care anymore. I know I will get there.” When I had this thought the road and the scene vanished.

Lucid Dream: Releasing Burdens

I found myself walking along a dirt road in the country. Again, I had no idea where I was. With me was the man and woman from the previous dream. I had in my hand my computer case and a small lunch bag. It felt heavy and burdensome so I asked the woman, “Can you carry this for me?” I held up my computer and lunch box and she took them, one in each hand. Relieved, I continued to follow them up the road. The road had grass growing up in the middle with two distinct lanes for the tires. Along the sides were tall trees that towered overhead.

The man and woman were walking too fast for me to keep up with them. I was weary and no matter how fast I walked, the man and woman kept getting farther away. At one point I lost sight of them. I had the thought that I could catch up and not to worry.

The road stopped at an old building. It was run down and multiple stories high. I don’t know what it was, maybe a silo or grain station of some kind. I walked/flew inside and came to an opening. Some rusty bars were positioned like railing. I put my hands on the railing and thought, “I’m dreaming. This is a dream.” The railing felt cool under my hands. I put my head through the opening between the rails and looked down. I was very high up and below was water. It was aqua in color and clear, swirling like a hot tub. I considered what to do and knew I wanted to follow the dream. I had a small bit of elation at knowing I had lucidity but opted to ignore it so as to not lose the dream scene.

With a tiny bit of trepidation, I jumped. I plunged feet first into the swirling water. I kept my vision as I went under and could see the rocky shore clearly through the water. I didn’t linger long and flew up and out of the water quickly. I landed on the shore which was covered in a soft, green foliage. Across from me I could see a raging river. There, on a small island in the river, I saw the man and woman. They were surrounded by men in black pointing guns at them. 

I considered my options. Should I fly over? I felt that it was not wise for some reason. I decided I would just walk across the water. I set the intention and began to move but was pulled immediately into wakefulness. Slowly I became aware of my sleeping body. Awareness came as energy sensations in my arms, legs and chest.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to have been a reflection of my thoughts prior to falling asleep. The man and woman with the child, were they symbolic of my considerations of a possible child being born? The child being a spy could be that I am seeking information as that is what spies do. The computer is also data or knowledge. I have it projected on the screen and a man is lecturing, so I am seeking info but cannot recall what is received other than something about cardiovascular conditions, which likely symbolizes the heart needing healing. Then I am disoriented and don’t know where I am or how to get home. This is similar to how I feel in life. I feel aimless most of the time and am just taking a path because it opens up to me not because I have a sense of the path I should take. The thought at the end about knowing I will get home reflects my current waking reality, too. I am just trusting I will get where I am meant to be.

The lucid dream is interesting because I give up my data seeking (computer) and also my considerations about my future needs (lunch box). Then I lose sight of the man and woman but I don’t fret about it, again reflecting my decision in waking life to just go with the flow knowing I will be provided with what I need along the way. The dirt road is a path not traveled often, maybe even a new path in this life. 

When I become lucid I recognize that I am meant to remain in the dream and let it show me what it is meant to show me. I try to go with the dream, jumping into the water (swirling but clear emotion). The man and woman at gunpoint indicates feelings of coercion and loss of control. This is also a feeling I have in waking life. I take pause and make a decision but it must not be how the dream was meant to go because I am pulled back to my body. 

I fall back to sleep after and do not become lucid in the dream. I only remember one part which was of me creating a calendar with an image on it of mountains and a path over them. The colors were red and green, so likely December. I then glued it to a pane of glass so that the image could be seen through it. 

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Dream Message: Walk-In

Went to bed asking for clarity regarding the feeling I’ve been having. 

Dreamed I was back in a school (learning) gym (discipline, strength, health) from my elementary years and my high school gradation ceremony was on the stage located in that gym. It was renovated at some point when I was in high school and the gym in the dream had not been renovated. I was walking around inside the gym with an ex-coworker of mine who I’ve had K dreams with in the past. We were talking and walking, noticing the condition of the space. I told him I recently discovered I owned the gym and relayed how I didn’t remember buying it.

The gym looked a lot like it did when I was in elementary school except more in decay (neglecting learning, health). The ceilings were super high and I remember looking up at them and then looking down at the floor which had been a nice, bright pine wood and now was graying. My friend and I walked to the back where it looked like an old cafe use to be. I actually remembered the cafe in the dream and asked about it. A woman who seemed to appear out of nowhere said it had been closed down years ago. I thought of using the bathroom (cleansing) and she told me, “Do go in the bathroom or you might fall through the floor”. She said an older gentleman had destroyed some of the tile allowing water to get into the subfloor. I mentioned to my friend how I would like to start up the cafe again. He said I could do anything I wanted and the woman said I would need a permit. The idea felt like a good one until I began to think of all the work it might take.

My friend and I sat on the floor at a round (continuum, connection) sofa table as I told him about the unsettled feeling I had been having. In the dream it felt like a demonic presence was following me. I had a bag full of tarot cards with me. I opened it and let them fall on the table. It was clear there were several decks mixed up inside. I asked my friend to help me sort them and apologized in advance for taking up his time because he seemed not to want to help. He did help, though, and began to go through the cards. Several piles began to form and I recognized some of the decks. At one point he pulled one card out and paused. I thought he was pulling the card for the other lady with us (couldn’t make her out but she seemed older) but he asked me to “read” the card. I misunderstood and read the word on the card aloud but the language it was in was unfamiliar and foreign. He said, “What does the picture tell you?” I focused in on the picture and saw it was of a person laying down and overtop of them, almost exactly superimposed except for a few inches, was another spirit-like person. I said, “It looks like the card is saying Spirit is leaving the body….or maybe it is coming into the body. [long pause] It’s a walk-in.” I Knew in the dream that the card was indicating a walk-in situation. 

My friend left the card alone in the middle of the table and I said, “It doesn’t belong to a deck.” 

The rest of the dream was me seeming to fly through the gym and then up and out of it but I could see through the walls.  I could see the entire layout. I began to image the changes I would make to it. I remember considering putting the kitchen in the front of the gym space and then told my friend I would wall off the high ceiling at around ceiling height and just leave the space at the top as is and might later put on a second floor. I also considered making it into a movie theater. 

Then my friend had to leave and I felt sad. I didn’t want him to go and asked him to stay. I got very close, so close our cheeks touched but he turned away. I told him I understood if he needed more time and he got up and began to leave.

The dream scene shifts and I am in a desert-like environment high up on some cliffs. I am walking with others. We are all dressed in long, light gray robes. I remember I had on a long, golden necklace with a cross pendant. I saw this because I was seeing myself from outside myself (memory perhaps of other times). I grabbed it and touched the cross. My friend was also there but he was ahead of the group. The sense I had was we were gathering and it had to do with something holy or divine. 

Then I was walking barefoot (seeking authenticity) through batting cages (protection). I recall how the concrete felt on my bare feet. I passed along the fence towards the exit. Others were there staring at me like I was out of place. I walked out and down a path to a parking lot. I was searching for my car (life path) but couldn’t remember what car I drove (uncertainty of life path) nor could I recall driving and parking it there. I eventually turned back around, realizing I wasn’t leaving and would have to stay the night.

I went back to the gym and many people were there including my friend. I sat down next to him with a salad (balance and nourishment) to eat. He had macaroni and cheese (need to finish tasks). I remember looking over at him and our eyes locking. The feeling was neutral. 

Eventually I walked over to a very high shelving system. It was full of produce. Some was so high I couldn’t figure out how anyone could get to it. The space felt to have partially been transformed into a grocery store (choices and needs for growth). 

Reflection

The dream seems to indicate I am returning to unfinished business. I am told more than once I can do whatever I want with the space which means I have freewill/choice. I spend some time imagining what I want and enjoy this part of the dream the most. The tarot card for me was a direct answer to a question. It was reminding me I am a Walk-in. This was accepted in the dream and I didn’t linger on it. The part where I was wearing a robe seems to have been a memory of some other time. I don’t know what to make of it. The part where I am barefoot was very memorable because of feeing the concrete cold beneath my feet and the odd environment of the batting cages. The lost car isn’t surprising. I feel a bit lost and uncertain of my path. 

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Return of 11:11

Lots going on, only so much time to write without it getting super long….

Dream: Healing Second Chakra

I was with a group of people and we seemed to be traveling. I mostly recall the end of the dream now as it was early in the night that I had it. We came to a waterpark type scene that reminded me of a local waterpark with lazy river tube shoots. Around the tube sections was greenery that reminded me of Costa Rica, so very tropical. We were not in the water but walking along it I think. I remember a woman approached me and asked me if I would consider letting her insert something into me. It looked like she either had a massive dildo or she actually had a penis on her female body. I remember agreeing and she asked if I thought it might be too big. I took a good look (lol) and said it was fine. When she inserted it, I felt a wave of energy and woke.

The area of my second chakra was achy and it stayed achy for some time after. I felt healing energy pouring in through my back also and thought about how, in the past when the K would rise in a similar way, I would have an ache there. I knew there was a blockage in my second chakra. I asked my guidance to help me get rid of it ASAP and was told it couldn’t happen fast as there were many, many layers to it and it would be unwise. 

Dream: Visit with Ray

I was in my mom’s bathroom (cleansing the inner self), the one I use to use as a child/teenager. I was on my hands and knees with a long handled scrub brush like one would use to clean a toilet but I was cleaning the bathtub (desire for greater intimacy in life). The tub was covered in a bluish (throat chakra) colored substance that had thickened and begun to dry out. In the dream I knew I had started to clean the tub but never finished and the cleaner had been left awaiting my return. As I began to scrub I felt Ray’s presence behind me. We talked about my cleaning of the tub itself and he pointed to a wire rack next to it. The rack had peeling paint on it that was starting to come off. He pulled on it and it came off in long, elastic pieces. I helped and what was left was exposed metal. I resumed cleaning the tub, scrubbing the blue cleaner off easily. 

Then we were in my mom’s kitchen (nourishment). We mainly just talked. There was no intense energy, just friendly conversation and enjoying one another’s company. I felt completely at ease and relaxed and I think he did, too. I don’t remember what all we talked about but at one point he sat on top of my mom’s dryer (laundry is in the kitchen near the back door). He seemed to be talking about something important to him, something private or intimate. So he was opening up and being vulnerable. I sensed this and inched closer to him to the point that I was standing situated between his legs. He was up high, so my upper abdomen was right between his legs and my face was just a little bit lower than his own. Our closeness felt appropriate and, again, there was no crazy, intense energy, just affection and openness to one another. 

This is when someone came by the back window and knocked. I went up to see what it was about. It was a woman with her kids all dressed to swim with towels and everything. She inquired if the pool (healing waters) was open and said she had $100 to pay for the season. I told her my mom had long ago closed the pool and, though it was in good shape, she could not swim. I did consider letting them but opted not to. The woman left and I told Ray about it and how, at one point, the neighbors would come over to swim all the time. I remember how the pool and area looked. The pool itself was aqua and clear (clear emotion) and the surroundings littered with lawn chairs but otherwise tidy. 

When I woke I was extra alert to the fact that Ray was in my dream. I also still felt the healing energy in my lower abdomen. I wondered about the dream and whether it indicated I would receive communication from him soon. 

Dream: Corndogs on the Bus

The dreams with Ray continued. He picked me up and took me to a school bus (important life journey). I had with me a box of corndogs (simple pleasures in life) and asked him if he wanted one. I told him I could cook it real fast in the microwave. He indicated he did as we walked up the steps of the bus. I asked if he thought the others would want one, saying I probably had enough. That is when I noticed how full the bus was. I mentioned that I may not have enough after all and looked at the box to see, moving the corndogs around to get an inventory. I looked at the people inside and there was a variety to include mothers with children. Trying to solve the problem of insufficient corndogs, I thought perhaps we could prioritize the children. This is where the dream ended.

Corndogs symbolize the simple pleasures in life, relaxation and satisfaction, wealth and success, companionship and loyalty. I was offering this to my friend and then to the people on the bus which means I want others to share in my experience. When I see I may not have enough then I prioritize the children. I think this dream shows how generous I am in general, especially when I feel happy. 

Messages

I’ve been seeing 1111 quite frequently and have been noting it. The pic here is one time I notice and took a screenshot of my phone. Only after did I see the song playing and how the name relates to the Kundalini – Fuel to Fire.

I had a dream the night before last that relates to the above.

Dream: Second Stage 

I was sitting at my computer writing in my blog. When I pressed “post” the wrong blog post appeared on the screen. It said it was from 2016. I panicked because I didn’t want to write everything again. I tried to recover what was lost and found it didn’t work. Instead, certain words in the post became bolded. After some nudging by my guidance I calmed down and began to pay attention to the bolded words. What I recall now is the words “second stage” and the complete sentence was that I was now in the second stage. Other than that, I can’t remember any of the other bolded words despite reading all of them. I only remember the year 2016 and “ascension”.  That was the year that I had the meeting with my heart connection (Ray) and told my now-ex that I wanted a divorce. That was also the year my heart connection disappeared from my life of his own choice to avoid becoming entangled in the karma of the situation.  

Reflection

The year 2016 and message “second stage” stand out. I looked through my blog and noticed that year was full of Kundalini activity, messages, and significance in general. The year began with a post about recognizing the walk-in situation. This is something Ray and I discussed in our most recent conversation. I told him I didn’t feel the walk-in was real and yet this post indicates otherwise. I also found a post specifically about “the next stage“, so perhaps it is relevant? There was a post called Velantium also. I looked up the word and it translates to “covering or veiling”, something I never mentioned in the post itself. Finally, there were several posts about Atlantis. 

2016 was a very exciting year! I didn’t have time to look through all the posts but man oh man was I ever accelerating! If I am in fact picking up where I left off, then I wonder what it will entail?

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Blue Heron and Garter Snake

The same day I blogged about how my ex reminded me of a snake, I nearly stepped on one on my morning walk. It was a garter snake. I had the opportunity to catch it but decided to let it be.

Later the same day, on my afternoon walk with my daughter, I saw a Great Blue Heron in the creek. It let us get really close and though it flew away, it came back twice after and other people stopped to take its photos. I wondered after if the heron may have seen the little snake. I know they eat them. 

From Ted Andrews iconic book on animal totems called “Animal Speak”:

“The blue heron is a totem (symbol) of someone who has chosen to claim their life as their own. According to North American Native tradition, the Blue Heron brings messages of self-determination and self-reliance. It represents an ability to progress and evolve. The long thin legs of the heron reflect that even though we must be able to stand on our own, we don’t need legs that are great massive pillars to remain stable.

Blue Herons have the innate wisdom of being able to maneuver through life and co-create their own circumstances.

If the Blue Heron has shown up as your totem, it reflects your need to follow your own unique wisdom and path of self-determination. You know what is best for yourself, and need to follow your heart rather than the promptings of others. You probably sit calmly while the rest of us lose patience. And when you choose to follow the promptings of your heart, you soar with magnificence.”

The snake appearing isn’t surprising since I have been seeing many of them lately. This one was small that was trying to get away and hide. According to Ted Andrews, the snake represents rebirth, resurrection, initiation, and wisdom. Snake represents wisdom expressed through healing, the creative life force, transformation and healing, and the cycle of death and rebirth. The death energy of Snake is indicative of a transformation, not actual death, and may be showing new opportunities to heal and transform oneself. It can also reflect one’s creative forces awakening or the stimulation of understanding how to apply one’s insight and intuition.

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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Dreams: Obstacle Course and Betrayal

Some dreams to document…

Dream: Obstacle Course

I was with a group outside near a body of water (emotion) which was below an embankment we were all standing on. We were waiting on something and it felt like I was participating in an obstacle course. Out of the sky fell some gray, flat objects. I asked what they were and someone told me they were to help warm the water as it was so cold it would cause a shock to the body. I pointed to a narrow section of the water and asked, “Why not just jump across?” I jumped across easily and the others followed me.

On the other side we stood on a sandy area near the body of water. I don’t remember much here except the scene and how vast and dark (unknown, fear) the water was out in front of us

Then we were in a bedroom (personal life). We all got into a large bed. A screen was on the wall and we were to watch a movie (life). I found it quite boring but stayed since it felt like it was my duty to do so. Then I turned and saw everyone had left the bed and I was alone. Realizing I didn’t have to stay for duties sake, I got up and looked for my shoes (individual life path) to leave. I saw my black shoes, still wet from the obstacle course, and also my gray ones. My gray ones had the laces (ties to ones path) partially pulled out, though. I commented that someone must have tried to take them. A guide who was with me the entire dream stood behind me and I noticed his presence strongly at this point. 

Reflection

I think this dream symbolizes the unknowns of an obstacle course that has been my life. I survived with only wet shoes but then proceeded to “get in bed” with others to watch a boring movie (life) and then realized they weren’t there with me and it was pointless to stay. The shoelaces off the shoe indicates a subconscious awareness of loosening social ties with a particular group. In this case I think it is my husband’s family. I was “in bed” with them, trying hard to be accepted into their group despite finding their “movie” boring. lol 

Dream: Betrayal

I was with my ex inside a house similar to the one we shared when married. He was being very nice and generous since I felt acknowledged by him, I offered to help with some household chores. This is when I noticed we were laying side by side on the sofa. I felt safe with him and reached for his hand. He responded by reminding me his girlfriend was upstairs and so I should be quiet so as to not wake her. This infuriated me and I considered going upstairs and confronting her, even doing her harm. Rather than do that, I fled, went outside to my car and drove away. I tried to get out fast but someone had left their chickens out and they kept wandering into my path. I had to stop several times to avoid killing them. 

Reflection

When I woke I felt bad about the dream because it outlined the betrayal I felt. My ex often manipulated me like he did in the dream. I felt I betrayed myself by continuing to believe he actually cared about me. 

A flash of a sentence written three times came into my mind. It said, “You deserve better”. I agreed. 

I think the dream shows my regret for my outbursts upon recognizing the betrayal I felt and how I avoided doing much worse things by trying to flee the scene. Unfortunately, chickens (fear) kept slowing me down. 

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Transformation

My second day at work was yesterday. So far I feel welcomed and the people seem genuine. Today I am going into a couple of classrooms to introduce myself. I get to present a slideshow using an interactive whiteboard (its like a big touchscreen computer on the wall in each classroom). I’m a bit nervous but only about using the technology. So much has changed since I was last in a classroom! I have been assigned 3rd and 4th grade to teach guidance lessons and this starts the first week in December. Eventually I will see students one-on-one as needed. 

What I love already about this job is that the admin does not ask the counselors to help with any discipline. This is unheard of! The one complaint I had about my last counseling job was that they kept interrupting my day to have me assist with out of control students and other disciplinary issues. It is not the job of the school counselor to be an admin! So not having that as a complaint at this job will make the job almost perfect in terms of school counseling. 

It is also refreshing to work somewhere no one knows me. At my other job (family business) I could feel the family members judgmental attitude towards me. I was only in the office once a week, which helped, but when I was it wasn’t fun to feel that projected onto me. They had judgments because my ex would vent to them when he was upset with me and so, over the past 18 years, the negative remarks built up and they all decided I was “suppressive”. It is hard to change someone’s mind when they have decided who you are, even harder when they are in-laws. So, at this job when I meet someone, I feel no judgement which is so refreshing. They are genuinely happy to have me as part of the group, or at least it feels that way. I think my perspective has shifted, also. I am purposefully being open minded and attempting to remain aware of my own judgements. I am also being mindful of self-doubt that comes up when I feel unsure of myself. I am asking questions and allowing myself to be vulnerable in that way – very unlike me. 

In past jobs I worked to make money. In this job I am working to help and be of service. This shift will likely lead to some interesting revelations and lessons. I am trying to approach this new stage in my life as a child would – full of wonder and curiosity – rather than as a cynic. 

As I left the school yesterday, I saw a group of small children with an after school teacher. They were lined up and smiling, attentive and eager to learn. It brought up a memory of how I tend to be when OOB. I gravitate towards children and babies and in one OBE – “The Spiritual Processing Hub” was the name if I recall correctly – I remember being drawn to the babies and children and knowing they were always my favorite. This memory along with seeing the kids there as I walked to my car made it impossible not to burst into tears. 

Honestly, I don’t know where this is all coming from – the sense of wanting to be around children. I have have only felt that way when OOB and with my own kids but rarely with other people’s kids. However, in this job I am feeling great love for them all when I see them. I can’t help but smile. 

I also realized that this job matches my environment in Human Design. I am Markets Internal, which means I invite people into my space rather than going to an office or whatever to do my “work”. At this job I have my own office which I share with the morning counselor. She has set it up marvelously and so I don’t have to do anything to make it a good counseling space. When a student needs me they will come to my space and there I will work with them one-on-one. The guidance lessons are as a group in someone else’s space but what I am doing in unique to me so it seems applicable as well. 

This morning I was thinking of all of the above after some visions I had upon waking. One of the visions was of a snake. The snake sightings have stopped because I am not at my country home but I keep seeing them in other places – visions, and a snake like object in the parking lot the other day that made me jump. lol Snakes are transformation (also the Kundalini). I have been hoping I would have K energy again but I think at this time it is merely a transformation from one version of me to another. It saddens me a bit because I miss the K. It also scares me a bit, too. 

As if to confirm, I woke to this on my wall.

It’s called “Transformation”.

When decorating my new apartment bedroom, I selected some paintings I felt drawn to. This one is literally in front of me when I wake up. And across, on the other wall are three others. I see their order like drawing oracle cards – a message of the path I am currently one. 

The names of them, in order left to right, are: Health, Kundalini, and Mission. These can be found via my Walk-In Life blog if you would like to read the card descriptions.

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Snake, Spider and Beaver Encounter

I had another snake encounter! This time I was able to touch it! I was tempted to pick it up but was too nervous. I think it was too cold to act quickly which is why it tolerated my touch. It remained in the same location all day and I went back and touched it again. I talked to it and thanked it for allowing me to touch it. I think this is the same snake I saw last week because it was in the same general area.

I also had an encounter with a tiny, tan spider. It crawled on my hand and I placed it beside me and talked with it a while. It seemed like it was listening to me. 🙂

And I saw a beaver! It was swimming across the middle of the pond. I saw it again on the same day, too, much closer but it immediately dove under the water. I have video of the beaver on my FP but did not post it to YouTube. I didn’t get a photo to share. It was too far away. There is a beaver video on my YouTube, though, that is pretty good.

I included pics of the snake. There is one where the snake is in my shadow and it reminds me very much of the Kundalini and how it flows. I felt it symbolic of my own transformation, though I am not experiencing Kundalini energy at this time.

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Dreams: Recognition and Heart

More dreams to document. It is so nice to have good dream recall again! 🙂

Dream: Recognition

I was at my mom’s with the kids and my ex came to pick up the youngest without telling me. I arrived and noticed my son’s things were gone. In the dream it was felt like an empty space left behind not only in the physical place but in my heart. I went outside and saw my SUV (protection, security, stability, power) parked with my sweater (protection) stuck in the back door half hanging out. I yelled at my ex asking why he left my sweater like that. 

Then I was with my ex but he looked like my heart connection a bit, too. I think in the dream the two people shifted back and forth but most of the time it felt like I was talking to my heart connection. He was open to talking at first but as soon as I started to talk on a deeper level he began to distance himself, walking away from me. I followed, telling him what I needed to say, and noticed he would not look me in the eye, instead looking at the floor and sometimes turning his back on me. I just kept on talking, shifting my position so that I remained in front of him.

The things I said were revelatory. I recognized the parallel between present time and the past. How the situation between myself and my ex and myself and my heart connection were interconnected, even more than I realized back then. My recent divorce and the return of my heart connection into my life is giving me the opportunity to reflect, heal and fully release any residual connection. I remember saying to him that I felt maybe a 10% draw to him compared to the past and didn’t understand fully why. I thought perhaps it was because some hope still lingered that the heart connection could be rekindled. Or maybe there is just a remnant remaining that needs dissolution. In the dream it was crystal clear that the situation was presenting itself so that I could learn. 

I became so thoroughly enthralled in what I was saying that it brought on some emotion and I woke. 

Reflection

I continued to think of the parallels I noticed in the dream. 

In 2016, early 2017, I had tried to divorce my ex and start a life on my own but wanted the support of my heart connection. Unfortunately, my heart connection insisted he have no contact, citing karma, his past similar experiences, and my own good. As a result I struggled to continue on the path of divorce and ultimately withdrew to the security of the known. At that time I had gotten a temporary job as an elementary school counselor which I enjoyed thoroughly, especially the children. 

Now, almost ten years later, I have divorced, recently had contact from my heart connection, and find myself employed as an elementary school counselor again. It does not go unnoticed that it life has aligned similarly as if to say, “Okay, now finish what you started.” 

I find that my response to my heart connection reaching out has been mostly curiosity. There is a small part that want to be friends and meet up to have a long chat. This is likely the part I felt in the dream. Mostly, his energy feels completely neutral, at least in comparison to how it once did. How odd it is! 

Then I thought of my ex and how part of me is annoyed by certain things he does still. I recognize a part of me is still struggling with the end of that part of my life. I think a part of me is still holding on, still grieving for what was and what could have been. 

I also recognized my ex is struggling much more than I am. The reason he is still behaving the way he has been is because he feels he needs to prove something, to get revenge or perhaps to just be right. I think he hurts much more than I do because I am the one who initiated the divorce and withdrew from him so many years ago. Even after nearly 10 years he is struggling to accept that I don’t want to be with him, that I don’t need him and am completely okay without him. He wants me to need him still, even now, even though he has a new girlfriend. In fact, he could only attempt to move on because he got a new girlfriend. It is likely had she not “taken the bait” of his invitation that he would still be harassing me, frustrated by my lack of interest, trying to force a relationship that is long dead. 

Dream: Heart

The dream started at a school that was out in the country. I was taken into the main building where a small group of faculty sat together awaiting my introduction. I remember telling them all, “Thank you so much for this opportunity.” I was extremely grateful to be back and told them so. In the dream the place I was returning to was the detention center I taught at so many years ago. It felt like I would be working in a “jail” (jail = earth to me).

I was then taken outside. I could see another building, a small cottage, down below in a green valley with a few tall oak trees. There were steps leading down to the valley and I stood at the top for a bit. A huge white dog (protection) came pounding towards me joyfully. It was a Great Pyrenees. I opened my arms and let him hit me full on with his body and then we melted together and rolled around. I remember at one point the big dog was laying on my head and there was a split second worry thought about my safety that quickly passed. Another dog joined the big dog and they romped around, running up and down the green valley. A young woman came up from behind me and commented on the bigger dog saying he destroyed her house when she left him inside. I said, “Oh, he’s only a puppy!” 

When I looked up where the woman was I saw an older woman talking quietly with a woman and two other women also talking. I didn’t want to interrupt but I wanted to ask about teaching a class in the cabin below. It looked like a great place to hold class. When there was an opening, I mentioned this but the answer I got had nothing to do with the cabin. One lady motioned to the older one indicating the woman had achieved something. There were no words here, just a recognition from me that this older woman’s heart was wide open and she was comfortable living with it that way. To me, this was indeed quite the accomplishment and I became emotional. I asked her how she managed. The woman approached me, her eyes kind. She opened her arms and I fell into them. She was short, her head only coming to my chin. I could feel her kiss me on the nape of my neck and she said, “You are okay.” By this time I was sobbing uncontrollably. The message I received was that I already have everything I need, it is all within me. This wasn’t the only communication I received but it is hard to relay since it came all at once, telepathically. I remember trying to will the heart bliss to come to me from her, but when I did this I only cried harder.

I woke in tears.

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Dream: Uneaten Hamburger

Another dream to report.

I was with my ex inside an unfamiliar house. Sometimes the house resembled my mom’s house. I think we were sorting through and packing away items. I went to the closet and grabbed a clear box with a couple of items inside. I pulled out a bag with Whataburger written on it. Inside was an uneaten hamburger (satisfaction, having all you need in life, over indulgence).  I realized the hamburger was very old. It was never eaten and in perfect condition still in the wrapper. I mentioned it to my ex and was disappointed that it was not fit for consumption. I opened it up and inside were two patties. I mentioned this saying, “It even has two patties!” I took the burger to the back door. At this time the house resembled my mom’s house so there would have been a back deck. Where the deck should’ve been was an overgrown jungle of plants (journey into the unknown, untapped potential, fear). I tossed the uneaten burger into the plants and it landed under some ivy.  I could see that it opened up, exposing the perfectly round patties, side by side. I was hoping the dog (protection, companionship) would eat it (hope for satisfaction in the future) but the burger was so deep in the greenery that I knew the dog would not find it. This also disappointed me. What a waste, I thought.

I went back inside feeling pessimistic. I announced to my ex that I had decided to leave him everything I owned in my will because, “Why not? I have no one else to leave it to.” I felt a sense of defeat when I said this, as if everything was pointless. I had done so much and come so far but in the end, none of it mattered (sounds like the song – In the End, Lincoln Park”). My ex acted like he didn’t hear what I said nor notice my depressed state. Instead, he told me he and the co-owners of his company were going to find a way to pay me what was left for my shares of the company. He said, we already made an appointment with the bank. He was really excited because he would save the interest if he paid it off early. I wasn’t as excited. My mind was filled with worry over the lost interest and not getting a monthly payment for the next five years like I anticipated. I was handed a document that had the payment dates written on it. I saw each payment had a name and was shown as a transfer from the name to someone of the same name. None of it made much sense to me and the names, though I can’t recall them now, were not names of people but random, nonsensical words. 

Meaning

I think this is a worry dream reflecting some of my thoughts about my current situation and my worries about the future. Hamburgers symbolize life satisfaction and sustenance. They can also symbolize over indulgence and greed. The burger was untouched, packed away in a box in a closet indicating I was perhaps delaying gratification for a later date. This reminds me of what I and others often do when it comes to making decisions in life. We put it off saying, “I’ll do it when (insert condition) happens.” For me, I put off divorce for various reasons – the children, money concerns, uncertainty about the future, fear. I made so many excuses, convincing myself I needed to stay just a bit longer, until such and such happened and I felt more confident about the path ahead. The reality is I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t have enough confidence that I could handle the consequences of making such a drastic life change. 

In the dream I am super disappointed about the perceived loss. I tossed it into a jungle of confusion and fear hoping it would at least get eaten by the dog and not be a complete waste. The dog never arrived to eat it because it was so deep in the jungle. Perhaps this represents the hope that I would not walk this unknown path alone only to realize I would have to do it alone? All I know is I felt defeated at that point in the dream. 

The last part of the dream reflects my thoughts from the previous day. I was suppose to go to an informational meeting about wills and trusts but opted out at the last minute. I didn’t see the point. I suspect all my assets will be eaten up over time anyway, leaving very little and making a trust pointless. Saying I would leave everything to my ex could be symbolic of feeling the pointlessness of how things turned out. My ex recently told me about paying off the loan early, probably in January. I was happy when I heard the news, but in the dream it felt like bad news because I worried how I would manage the money. Though I would love to retire now, it is much to early for the money to last the amount of time I might have left. I could be alive for another 20-30 years or more. I hope not, but without knowing for sure I don’t want to over budget and end up with nothing in my old age. 

I think the dream also reflects the regret I’ve felt here and there about the decision to divorce and lose, what I perceive as, a lifetime of financial security. 

When I woke I was considering options for the future. If I don’t find steady work, then as soon as this lease is up I need to move back to my country home and live a very minimal existence. I can live comfortably there for less than $1000/mo.  If I do this, then I could possibly live out the rest of my life there without worrying about money. This doesn’t take into account other factors like my children’s needs, health issues, relationship changes, etc. There is no way to predict what will happen. Trying to plan such things is pointless, really, because of all the unknown variables. I think I recognize this in the dream, too, when I notice how much time I wasted planning and waiting for something that never actually happened. The only real relief I’ve felt is in knowing I am no longer living with a timebomb. 

Good News

Around lunch time I got a call from the principal of the elementary school where I interviewed for a part-time school counselor position. The interview was three weeks ago today. She offered me the job and apologized for how long the process took. I accepted without hesitation. She told me HR would contact me but it may be two days or more because they are transitioning to a new system.

I was not surprised to get the job offer. When I first saw the job posting I thought, “I want that [job]”. I didn’t apply for a while after because I kept doubting myself and what I wanted. It has been difficult for me to find any motivation for work, much less other parts of life, lately. I finally did apply and got a request for an interview. I did superbly at the interview, the correct responses to the questions coming easily and without much thought.

There could still be a delay with the HR situation so I remain in a waiting period. I feel the entire delayed process is a reflection of my readiness both emotionally and mentally. A part of me is very afraid of this change and full of self-doubt. I have not worked in education since 2017. However, while at the interview, I said something that surprised me which is typical of a Self-Projected Projector. I told the interview panel that my plan was to return to school counseling and restart classes to get my LPC. Later, when I thought about it, the idea didn’t seem half bad. I was only two classes and an internship away from my LPC when I got pregnant with my youngest and decided to withdraw from the program. Can I return after so many years? Do I even want to? It may be what I need to do so I am going to explore the option.