Category Archives: Messages

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Messages: Ezekiel and Echelon

I awoke in tears again this morning from dreams that should not have brought on tears. I am at a loss. The feeling of grief is so strong and so real yet I have no idea where it is coming from. It is like I am purging someone else’s emotions and issues.

The dreams I had could be a part of the emotion but it is hard to say. Rather than go into detail about them I will say it appears that I was discussing specific issues on Earth. Specifically the issues I recall covering were education and politics. One conversation I had with someone was about children refusing to participate in the education system – refusing to go to school, refusing to do their lessons – outright rebellion of anything and everything related to the education mandate. This rebellion was widespread resulting in empty classrooms and an increase in petty crime and vandalism. A woman was asking me for my help and opinion on what to do about it. I said something that surprised me. I said,”Let them rebel. When we tie education to citizenship they will change their minds. The uneducated cannot participate or have a say in their own government.” Another dream was also about education and the struggle of teens in the education system. It was like an overview of why the teens began to rebel. They felt unsafe and unable to do anything about it.

Yet when I awoke it was not the dreams themselves that incited the emotion but instead a feeling that Earth was a total mess and could not be salvaged. A feeling that some major changes were on the horizon. Upheaval, destruction, war, plague, etc. Not all at once but it felt like something drastic had to be done as a “reset” and so it would be done because it was the only way.

I am not sure why I am being pummeled with this emotion, this intense grief. It is as if I am being briefed on the state of the planet, at least that is how it felt this morning. My own issues do not seem to be the source of what I am feeling right now.

I heard last night as I was drifting to sleep, “You do not have a past anymore. You have only a future.” And this morning, the messages that came through added to the mysteriousness of last night’s message. I heard, “Adzekiel”. This is a name I have heard before and I recognized it. Though I cannot find Adzekiel online as an angel, I know the name represents the angel Ezekiel, the angel of transformation. Adzekiel is also mentioned in this blog in February, 2016,

As I began to drift back to sleep I saw a birthday cake with candles and saw a 23. This reminded me of my husband’s birthday, May 23. He will be out of town that day, though. Why was I being shown this?

Of course this brought me out of the dream and into the in-between where I entered into a moving vision. In it I saw what appeared to be streamers of light traveling from space to Earth. Their source appeared to be a ship but it was on the edge of my vision and my focus was on the streamers of Light. When I saw them I thought, “Starseeds”. There were thousands of them. I thought, “I am one of them.” Then I was brought out of the in-between when I heard, “The Echelons are awaiting your arrival.”

This morning I was curious so Googled echelon as soon as I could. I stumbled upon this article: An Explanation of the Order of Melchizedek.  When I read the first few paragraphs and got to the part that said the first echelon is known as the “Clarion Call” I knew this article was meant for me to read. Too many syncs for me to dismiss it.

The entire first echelon is called the “Clarion Call” -the call to the heart. It bears witness to the large number of souls awakening at this time to bring forth the fruit of man’s potential. Levels one through six in this echelon are for those who “get” that there is something to this spiritual awakening process within them. These individuals have committed to looking further within themselves for more. Levels six through nine recognize the power of the clarion call and what it truly means. These neophytes commit themselves entirely in service to the clarion call for humanity. Levels nine through twelve know there is no turning back. These initiates completely dedicate their lives to fulfilling their potential of becoming “Godman” or an Ascended Master.

Not only have I received the message “Clarion Call” several times but I have also felt it and its power. I have also received the message about reaching a “point of no return” and been told many times, “There is no turning back.” Ha!

Echelon two is as they say “another ball of wax entirely”. The first three levels that are presently available to be initiated into are guaranteed to bring up all your survival issues. The first level is called The Gate. This initiation will bring up all your demons that your thoughts and emotions subconsciously create. The second level is called the Red Feather of Courage. To be initiated into this level you must have the courage and be willing to stand firm in service for God. Expect to be shunned, ignored, and ridiculed for your good deeds. The third level is called the Floor of Malkuth. Here you must symbolically be able to stand equally on the black tiles as the white. What this means is that the initiate must so profoundly master their thoughts and emotions, all levels of good and bad or evil become equalized and divine. Again, in this initiation you can expect all illusions of what you believe to be bad will manifest in your life to be re-qualified. To pass this level, you will need to see only good, at all times.

I am not sure I want to visit echelon two, especially the first level, “The Gate”. Would you? lol

Of course the echelons could be a group or fleet of ships as is one of the definitions – a formation of troops, ships, aircraft, or vehicles in parallel rows with the end of each row projecting further than the one in front. But who knows. I sometimes wish that these strange messages would be withheld from me.

Back to the angel Ezekiel. This is the second morning that the name came to mind when I awoke. I understand that I am in the midst of a powerful transformation and I can feel change approaching. I have also received messages to that extent, specifically angel number 53 most recently number 25. I even had a profound Knowing to expect major upheaval in my life soon; that all things related to my current identity will be dismantled one by one. Ouch!

To receive these messages and profound Knowing is not easy nor preferred. Like the article about Ezekiel says: “Change is at times an overwhelming concept. If you let go of something even if you are not happy with it, then what will happen? The unknown causes many people to become stuck, to freeze in place even though they do not like where they are. They would rather be unhappy than face the unknown.” These words describe me in a nutshell – frozen in place, choosing to stay the same rather than venture into the unknown.

No wonder I am waking up in grief all the time. Look at what I am being prepared for!

 

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Identity

I was hit hard with emotion last night. Woke up three times in tears. None of the dreams really make much sense but I remember every one of them.

Dream: Returning the Hostages

There is a whole backstory to this dream that I will shorten. I didn’t dream it. I knew it in the dream. A group of colonists had encountered a group of Natives. The Natives took a woman and her daughter and the colonists were up in arms over it. Where I recall the dream is when the exchange occurred. The colonists were handing over two wolves in exchange for the woman and child. I remember the wolves most vividly. They were snarling and nasty and seemed almost like trained attack dogs the way they acted. I don’t remember seeing the woman and child. My focus was on the Natives for the most part.

What is odd is that I was able to take on the perspectives of both groups. I could feel the colonist’s outrage and how they thought the Natives inhuman savages. Similarly, I could feel the Natives and their upset over the colonist’s insistence that they return the woman and child. They believed they were helping the woman and child, not abducting them.

I don’t remember what triggered the tears (the wolves?) but I woke up sobbing. It was a heart-wrenching grief that seemed to have no source.

Dream: Funeral

I was attending a funeral in Katy, Texas for a woman who had died. I remember following a road and hearing about her life and all the people who would miss her. There was an old man with me who was talking but I only recall him as a presence.

We arrived at the burial. It was under a huge tent and people crowded around. Part of the ceremony involved everyone sharing a memory of her. I heard them all and there were more than I could count. Hundreds maybe.

The lady who had died, I think her name was Geraldine, had asked that 100 balloons be released after she was buried. Everyone held a balloon and began to let them go one by one. I backed up and out from under the tent. I could feel a light rain on my shoulders but the sun was shining. I looked up in the sky watching as the balloons were released. They were all colors. Some in bunches and some singletons. It was the most spectacular site.

Then came the feeling. It is indescribable really but if I had to compare it to something it would be akin to the feeling one has after they have traveled a very a long, lonely and difficult journey and finally made it back home to the ones they love. It was pure jubilation mixed with an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace. And there was love coming from every single person there. The love from them all hit me full in the chest. It said, “Welcome home. You are loved.” I stood there, letting the love in, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw the balloons in the sky begin to morph into the forms of animals as I cried. They seemed to come to life and run across the sky. The last ones I saw looked to be from the ocean – sharks, fish, sting rays, etc.

When I woke I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand it. I asked my guidance, “What is happening to me?” It felt as if I was being called. It felt like I was holding on, not letting go. I was beside myself with upset. Why can’t I let go?

Dream: Beach

I was standing and facing the ocean. The beach and cloudless seemed to go forever in both directions. I wanted to run into the water but I didn’t. I just stared at it. I could feel people around me but I couldn’t see them. I asked to see them. An outline of a person appeared to my right. I could see right through him but I could also see him. When I saw him I hugged him. I heard, “You have to let go.” I began to feel emotional. It was like I was grieving but I don’t know what for. Then I felt the others around me. There were thousands all there on the beach with me. All of them completely see-through, as if they were one with the surroundings but I could also see the outline of each of their forms. It felt like they wanted me to go into the ocean. To let it take me. To drown. To surrender completely to it.

I began to cry again and it woke me up. The tears stopped and I was confused. I asked again, “What is going on?” I heard, “Identity.” Then I knew. I have to surrender it all. To let go of everything, even my own identity. How do I even do that?

Identity

After I awoke I lost a good portion of what I had dreamed. This is common-place for me now. I don’t know why but my dreams just don’t stick around like they use to. It’s okay, though. I am not needing to remember them really. Once I wake and shift back into this reality all that goes along with my dream experiences – the crying, grief, upset – disappears as if it was never there. What remains is a feeling that something profound is on the horizon for me and many others like me. This is intensely transformative stuff. The kind that leaves in its wake change and movement like never before.

I received the message, “Identity”, a few nights ago as well. I didn’t know what to think of it. At the time I thought it meant that I was taking on a new identity. Now I know it means I have to strip myself of my identity. But how do I do that? Without identity what is left? Nothingness?

I suppose it would be the same as when one dies. When we die we leave behind the person we were in life. We discard it completely. But then that is a normal part of the process right? But if we are not actually experiencing the loss of our physical body then would it even be possible to discard the identity connected to it? And then, say we were able to do that, what then?

As I write this I am reminded that a portion of a song came to mind this morning when I was wondering what was going on. It’s from the Ingrid Michaelson song Afterlife again but the only part I heard was, “To live a brand new start.” I suppose that we have to let go of the identity we created in order to start over, to live a new life. Why does that scare me so much? Ugh.

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Another Reset and June Graduation

Despite feeling better, I still have lingering cold symptoms that just will not go away. It would be nice to feel 100% again. This prolonged illness is taking its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Since I felt better yesterday I attempted a trip to the gym. It didn’t go well and I had to come home early. It wiped me out. However, on the way home a familiar song came on that made me smile. You may know it if you are a child of the 80’s like I am. 🙂

Instantly I was taken to a time and place I had long ago forgotten. At that time in my life, my parents were divorced and my dad would take us on the weekends. He often took us to a particular skating rink. I’m not sure but I think he may have been part owner of it which makes sense because he was dabbling in many business ventures at the time. Anyway, I literally felt transported to a moment in my life around 1985. I was on the skating rink, multicolored lights were flashing and I could hear the above song playing loudly. It was just a brief moment from my life back then but it was vividly clear. One of those brief childhood reprieves in a very tumultuous time in my life. I can still remember everything about that skating rink from the rink itself to the arcade and the skate rental. My dad would leave us there all day while he went off and did others things. And even though I was especially traumatized during that time in my life (emotionally disturbed even) that memory is a cherished one.

I don’t know about you, but for me, each phase of my life has music attached to it in some way. Like the song above, that particular time in my life – 7-9yrs old, parents divorcing, moving to a new home, etc – is accompanied by specific music. When I hear the music it takes me back almost instantly to that time in my life. It is like I organize and categorize my life based upon the music I listened to. lol As I get older it seems to be even more pronounced. I even adjust my Ipod music selection now intentionally to block or encourage certain memories/life phases. When I feel I am ready to let go of a certain time, I delete all songs connected to it. Then later, when I feel ready to reminisce or when it is time to deal with whatever is left of those times, I find myself drawn to play songs from that time period again. When the emotional reaction to the music is gone, meaning I can listen and just enjoy the music for what it is, then I know I have handled whatever lingering issues there are from those time periods. The fact that I smiled when I heard the above song is positive. That was a very, very rough time in my life. Horrible, actually.

Avoidance

As you may have figured from yesterday’s post, my guidance is pushing me to action again. Action meaning that I need to make some changes in my life. I am hearing specifically, “What do you want?”, “Think about your life”, “It is TIME” and my favorite (not), “Are you ready to work?”

All of these except the last were common messages from my guidance back in 2011-2013. Back then I was in an especially horrible work situation, family and marriage were in upheaval, and I was miserable. It was like a mini-mid-life crisis. Just thinking about this time period and I get a song in my mind (yep!). This particular song was, It’s Time by Imagine Dragons. There’s that message literally in my face – IT’S TIME.

A little about me. 🙂 When I get to where I feel unhappy, bored or just generally dissatisfied with my life I typically bring in more doingness as a distraction. At that time I opted to get my Master’s degree and start weight lifting and transforming my body. I was doing this all with two young children, working a full-time stressful job, and other issues I was unwilling to confront. I tend to get myself so busy that I have no time to think or contemplate. It’s a great avoidance technique.

So where did this avoidance get me? Nowhere really. Yeah, I got a master’s degree which got me out of my stressful job situation only to lead me smack dab into another one. lol I also got a great looking fit, healthy body only to end up unexpectedly pregnant. Big LOL. All my hard work only led me back to where I started.

Back to present day. Here I am receiving similar messages. Here I am feeling similarly about my life. Here. I. Am. WTF, right?

We repeat lessons until they are learned. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking, “I need to find something to fill my time. To keep me occupied.” This is my avoidance technique at its best. In fact yesterday I was thinking, “Maybe I should look for a full-time job.” But just the idea of it made me feel exhausted and deflated. In the past I would steamroll over such a feeling. Now I can’t do that. How do you steamroll over a huge wall?

Since my normal avoidance techniques don’t seem to be working I am left not really knowing what to do. Maybe that is the point.

Reset

So to the heading of this section: Reset. It just came to me out of the blue and I thought that maybe I should check and see how many times I have written about a reset in this blog. Turns out it’s 2. And guess what? They are all spaced about a year apart from each other. Take a look: January 2015 and March 2016. HA! And I’m pretty sure I wrote about a reset in my older blog, I just couldn’t find it under that keyword and I’m too lazy to look further.

Last year I had been sick and going through a reset. It was caused by the Kundalini. In fact, both reset periods were linked to the Kundalini. I suspect this one is, too. I don’t remember any significant Kundalini episodes but this is likely because I have been sleeping so deeply. All I can remember is my root expanding once and some hazy recollections of energy in my upper chakras.

When I go through these periods my spiritual experiences slow down and I usually end up feeling similar to how I feel right now. Message: This is just a phase and it will not last forever. Allow it and breathe.

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Dream: June Graduation

One more thing. I had a brief dream this morning. In it I was at my mom’s house but my sister and her husband had built a house close by. I was obviously confronting a potential outcome of the current situation, that my mom will give in and build my sister and her family a home next to theirs. She actually mentioned this to me the last time I visited. I was telling my mom in the dream that she was enabling them and I was feeling very disturbed by how things were unfolding.

Then I was with my brother up by the front gate of my grandparent’s property. We were looking at a green mailbox and talking. He held up in front of me a giant calendar. It was as tall as he was and very vivid. The calendar front had information about his upcoming graduation on it. The calendar itself was of the month of June and the majority of the month was blocked out except for the last four days. I could see those days distinctly and knew these were the days of the graduation preparations and commencement.

Green mailbox – An important message is about to be received. Green = positive change and hope.

When I woke up the first thing on my mind was knowing that my sister and her family would likely be living on my mother’s property permanently. I wanted to be pissed about it but immediately thought, “That is likely what my sisters thought about me when my mom gave me 2 acres next to her and I built a home and linked to her water well.” My upset dissolved and I was just left with a sadness for the situation that I knew was about to unfold. I saw how my mom needed to feel needed and my sister provided her with that. A lesson was unfolding for them and it was none of my business. In fact, at that moment I thought that I could completely disconnect from my family – mom, sisters, cousins, etc – and not have any issue with it. I wanted to move out of state and never come back and this was not to punish them but because I felt done. Weird.

Then I considered the part of the dream with my brother. I know without a doubt it was not my brother. No way. The person he represented and resembles is “family” and like my “brother”, though. And apparently he is going to “graduate” in June.

For some reason I got grumpy about this information. Maybe because it is two months away? I began to mull over disconnecting completely from this spiritual path again. Like I did in 2007. Just a total break; a hiatus. Feelings of disappointment were hard to push away. The Ego-child emerged and threw her tantrum. She is very impatient and when what she Knows and wants do not happen fast enough, she gets grumpy.

As I was feeling these feelings parts of songs came into my mind and I lightened up as I acknowledged them. The first was part of the above song – “Don’t you remember….” This repeated over and over. Okay. No, I don’t (curse word) remember! Then later I heard, “You and me, we got this. You and me we’re beautiful, beautiful….We’re gonna be alright.”

When I heard this I fell into my heart space and took a deep breath. It can be so hard to trust and so hard to navigate this life. Time is a curse to the impatient (like me).

So to my “brother” – the last four days in June are significant. You will “graduate”.

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Bird in a Cage

Yesterday I gave the cockatiel away to an older lady with two other birds, a female conure named “Red” and a female cockatiel named “Free-bird”. The decision was made when my daughter lost interest in him and I ended up being the full-time caregiver for a bird that needed as much attention and care as a toddler. I recognized pretty quickly that I did not have the time/energy/stamina for him and that my 3-yr-old was going to compete for my attention every time I tried to interact with the bird (yes, funny I know!). Plus, I was sick most of the time the bird was in my home making it that much more difficult to care for him. FYI – My stomach condition is gone today. Yay!

Part of me misses the bird but then I know it was the right decision. I do not like the idea of keeping a bird or any animal in a cage. He will be much happier with other birds around him and someone who can be with him full-time. The woman who now owns him is widowed, older (60’s probably), doesn’t work and dotes on her other two birds. They are like her children. When she took him I could tell she was already falling in love with him and he was quite happy to be with her, too.

Blanket of Disconnection

Prior to going to bed I had a strange feeling descend over me like a blanket. It was a familiar feeling, too. When fully encapsulated in this feeling it was as if my entire life was not real. Like I was in the movie that is my life but not a part of it. The disconnect was strong. My initial reaction was a brief panic but my Companion sent a calming energy and a reminder that all was okay and to allow the feeling and experience. Instantly I surrendered to the calm and the panic vanished but the disconnect remained.

With the feeling came a familiar R.E.M. song – “It’s the end of the world as we know it.” At the same time I began to think about death and what occurs after it. The show LOST came to mind, specifically the finale and how when each of them died they found someone from their life and reunited, but it was not all at once. Instead it was like they entered another lifetime altogether and slowly came to awareness of the life they just left behind. I began to over analyze for a moment, considering experience to be similar to that LOST finale but it began to overwhelm me. It all felt very surreal and with the song and thoughts coming together I briefly wondered, “Is the world  ending or is it just beginning?” I felt a bit like I was tripping right then and it was difficult to locate reality. You can imagine how I might have felt, why I panicked. But the calm relinquished the panic and it was as if it were all real and normal. All a part of the moment.

As the experienced faded and this reality dominated, a song came to mind. “In a west end town in a dead end world. The east end boys and west end girls…” I had no idea why this song was coming to mind, though.

My Companion came through and I Knew more was coming. I said to him, “But I’m still sick.” He said, “Not for long.” The feeling followed me to bed along with a Knowing that I was to experience a big Shift soon.

Dream and Message: Bird in a Cage

Early in the night I had a vivid dream of a bird that kept going back to its cage despite being free to fly away in the wide open skies. I don’t remember much detail now, but when I woke this morning that dream is the only one that remained despite the many vivid dreams I had after it. Specifically, the dream was about the cockatiel I just gave away and his personality. There was a discussion about him and the dream images were a result of that discussion.

When I woke the previous day’s happenings rushed into my mind as if to remind me of the dream discussion I had just had. In the early afternoon a woman came to see the cockatiel. She was hopeful that it was her lost cockatiel who had been missing since October 2016. Unfortunately he wasn’t. But I expected that.

While she was at my house we talked about the cockatiel’s personality (the cockatiel I had, not hers). I told her what I had observed. He was people friendly, but not overly so. When we got him his cage he flew to it making happy noises. Once we got him inside he was reluctant to come out. We had to coax him out with treats or a mirror (he was obsessed with the mirror). Once out, he would fly but only to a human shoulder. I would also leave the cage open, hoping he would come out. I always knew when he would get out because he would start frantically crying. When I would check on him he would immediately fly to my shoulder in a panic and would only calm down if he got a mirror or his cage. I told her I believed his previous owner kept him in a cage most of the time with another bird. I think he was set free and not lost because he did not seem to want to fly far when he was let out. Also, his wings had never been clipped. He could fly far if he wanted, but he didn’t want to. She agreed.

Later, when the new owner came to visit we also talked about his personality. She mentioned that cockatiels could fly really far when their wings were not clipped, sometimes traveling up to 50 miles from home. She also told me that her other two birds also preferred to stay inside their cages and she never had to clip their wings. She had their cages located in her kitchen with open windows on three sides. She did not try to make them get out of their cages, but let them stay inside. She said some birds are more comfortable in their cages. I commented that her birds were likely happy to be in their “safe” homes while also getting to view the big wide world.

These memories flooded my mind and synced with my dream memory. Right then the cockatiel’s message to me was very clear. I was like him. I was a bird in a cage. The door was open. My wings were not clipped. I was being coaxed out with “treats” and a “mirror” but continued to retreat back to my “safe” place. The big-wide world was just too scary and my cage was familiar and predictable.

My thoughts were, “OMG you’ve got to be kidding me!” followed by obscenities.

I began to feel hopeless. Suddenly the path I chose, my cage or “safe” place, seemed pointless and without meaning or purpose. I began to ask my guidance, “Is this it? Is this all there is to life?” I have asked that question before and it led to many spiritual experiences and insight, yet here I was again asking it seemingly back to point A, no progress made.

Then I heard the song again – “In a West end town in a dead end world….” This time, though, I understood the message because a memory of an OBE I had a while back came to mind instantly. In the OBE I was trying to exit my bedroom via the closet door but I knew it was a closet. Symbols appeared on the door saying, “No Exit” and I received a message that the path I was choosing would only result in a “dead end”.

At the time I did not know for sure which path was the dead end. The one I assumed it was referring to was the one it turned out to be – choosing the familiar, the safe, the same path.

More obscenities.

I got upset then because I knew the only way out of a dead end was to turn around and go the other way. To leave my cage. Of course, my immediate response was to ask to go Home because what I see in front of me are two options: stay put (in my cage) or go out on my own (fly free). I have been practicing doing what makes me happy. It is obvious that staying in my cage is not making me happy but the fear of flying free is just too scary. A tiny bird all alone in the big-wide world. Terrifying. I want a third option – the opt-out. Not happening (insert more obscenities).

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OBE: Goats

The last thing I remember saying to my guides was, “I want out!” Oddly enough I ended up drifting into the in-between. While there I had a lucid experience where I returned to another time in my life, way back in my early twenties. I was married to my ex and he was into country music and being a “good ol’ boy”. He and I use to get dressed up in country attire, cowboy boots and all, and go dancing. I remember I looked really good, specifically in the blue jeans. In this lucid experience I put on those jeans, went to my bathroom and looked at myself in them. The lights were low so I could not see well but I did see that my butt looked really good. lol I squinted to look at the shirt I was wearing. It had something written on it. It started with a “p”. Was it “peace” or “piece”? Or was it “property” as in “Property” of some jail?

I returned to my bed and tried to put another pair of jeans over the old pair. Then I realized that was stupid and stopped. Next, I decided to take off the ones I was wearing because they felt uncomfortable.

Then I was acutely aware of laying in my bed, I heard goats calling to each other. There was a distinct energetic shift and I knew I could exit my body. I sat up, thinking I was at my grandparents house, and tried to roll out of bed to my right. I couldn’t, so I attempted to roll to my left. I was able to but pillows were stuck to my face. I stood up and began to walk to the door pulling the pillow from my face. I don’t know where I was going, I just wanted out.

Then I heard my daughter calling. I recognized that she was up preparing for school and right outside my door. While OOB I saw the light under the door right as I heard her. Then I was back in my body. I knew instantly that my asking to get “out” had resulted in me going OOB. I said to my guides, “That’s not what I meant!” LOL

Not long after I realized the goats I heard were reminding me of a message I got a long, long time ago in an OBE. A message that keeps coming back to me time and time again. Meaning I probably haven’t really gotten it fully. The message back then was, “The goat will bite you.” So I’m thinking, “WTF! What does it mean then! What am I missing!!???”

So I looked it up. Again.

When the goat ambles onto your path, it might be a signal to contemplate your power as an individual. Is it time to separate from the herd? Launch into an independent direction? Often times, the solitary path leads us to great discovery. Goats respect distance and space. They also encourage independent adventures and explorations of high vistas for the sole purpose of personal/individual knowing. ~Source.

If the goat represents this, then what does it biting me mean? Does it mean that this urge to break free, this curiosity for what is waiting for me beyond the safety of my cage, is pestering me to the point of annoyance? Probably.

As I ponder this I am reminded of a part of the dream discussion. In the discussion I remembered the woman saying she was going to put the birds in separate cages but right next to each other. Each bird in their own safe cage but close enough to another bird to feel connected to it. I knew this represented me and many others on Earth right now. We exist in our own little worlds. I remember saying I wanted to invite another into my cage, but it doesn’t work that way. We have to come out of our cages to be truly together.

 

 

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Recent Symbols and Messages

For the first time in almost a week I am feeling better. This cold was a whammy but thankfully it is going away. Yesterday for most of the day I felt like I had taken a sleeping pill. So tired yet I couldn’t sleep even when I had the opportunity. Just a lethargy that wouldn’t let up. Emotionally I felt drained and depleted, too. It was difficult to stay centered but I managed it. Barely.

What is strange is that even though my guidance has been mostly quiet except for a few encouraging nudges, I received messages in the form of symbols that continued to show up. All messages pointing to the balancing of masculine and feminine and coming into Wholeness, indicating that despite the “rest” provided by my illness work was still being done.

The first symbol that has been recurring is the Yin-Yang symbol. First, I saw it quite unexpectedly in a piece of scrap paper I used to protect the counter from paint as I was painting my most recent painting. I just happened to glance down at one of the many structural drawings catching the fallen paint. There on the paper were several perfect Yin-Yang symbols. They are obviously used to represent something specific in the drawing but to me they said Yin-Yang. I stopped and time did that little pause it does when a message is being received. Here is the symbol amidst the drawing:

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This was earlier in the week. This morning I happened to noticed the symbol on a tile in my bathroom. I have seen the tile countless times but never saw the symbol. Here is the tile. See if you can locate the symbol:

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From where I was at, it popped out at me very obviously, but as you can see it is very difficult to see.

I outlined it in this pic so you can see it better:

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This in and of itself is one of those messages that I usually would shrug off. It’s easy to see anything you want to see in the patterns of a tile if you want, right? However, I had just had a dream earlier in the morning that led me to believe it was more than just me trying to make more of what was there. In fact, the Yin-Yang symbol was the farthest thing from my mind. My dream didn’t even lead me to look for it. Rather, my dream was of snakes. Two snakes coiled around one another similar to the caduceus. When I saw the Yin-Yang pop out at me, again time seemed to slow down and when it did my dream memory resurfaced and I knew it was a message. My first thought was the Kundalini and then I put it together with the Yin-Yang symbol and recognized the balancing of the masculine and feminine into Wholeness. Only then did I remember the message from the scrap paper earlier in the week. Duh.

Wholeness. Union. The message was clear.

Another interesting message, er well messenger, came later in the week. I was home resting and trying to recover from my illness. My husband took the kids to the park. They are in the process of erecting a new playground and it was nearly finished so my kids wanted to explore. To my surprise, my husband came back and told me, “There is a cockatiel in the garage. We found it in the park.” I didn’t believe him and went to the garage to investigate. I opened the door slowly not sure what prank he might be playing on me. I found my daughter in there with a small bird. He hadn’t been joking! Turns out, the little guy was on the ground near the new playground and had easily been captured by my husband but not before it pecked him hard enough to draw blood.

Seeing the little bird was a joy which surprised me. I am not into birds. I’m not scared of them but I never desired to have one as a pet. I prefer them to be in the wild where they belong. I was reminded of my trip to Australia in 2005. My sister and I got to feed all sorts of wild parrots. I did it, but I was uncomfortable because some of them were very big. Cockatoos were very common there. In fact, I remember them being all over the place and making a lot of noise.

The little bird was friendly but did not want you to pet it or hold it. It was happy to perch on my husband’s shoulder. He was also starving and very thirsty. It was obvious he had been out on his own long enough to seek out people to try and find food and shelter. We let him stay the night in our garage and the next day my daughter went around to try and find his owner without success. So we bought him a cage and he now lives in her room. His name is Dylan.

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My youngest has it out for Dylan, though. He throws things at him and harasses him while he’s in his cage. This has made him very wary of all of us now. Plus, he is very territorial of his cage. When we showed him his cage he flew across the room to it and made all kinds of happy noise. Now we struggle to get him out of it. I think he missed his home and is scared to leave it now. The poor little guy.

Regardless, it looks like he is here to stay. I will talk to him in Light Language here and there and find he responds to me, though he doesn’t want to come to me. That is fine with me. I would rather not be pecked. lol

It was only today that I decided to see if cockatiels carry any kind of specific message. Turns out they do. Though the link I found was for cockatoos, cockatiels carry the same message – communication, socialization, mating for life, the art of survival. Additionally, it represents:

Spirit. Rain Magic. Travel. Joy. Crying with Joy. Emotional Freedom. Spiritual Freedom. Finding Spiritual Truths. Your Inner Fire. Creativity. The Muse. Inner Beauty. Inner and Outer Wealth. Preserving What You Care For. Drumming.

~ Source

It was a good thing we rescued this little bird when we did. That night a cold front came through and it got really chilly and windy. The little guy would have had a difficult time staying warm in 40 degree weather.

Preparation

While I was sick I received Knowing that my illness was purposeful. It was a forced down time to prepare me for what is coming next. Sometimes, when you are like me, you have to be made to stop and rest. While I was sick I went from motivated, optimistic, and positive to lethargic, unmotivated and at times irritable. I spent more time laying down than normal to the point that my husband began to nag me about it (which didn’t result in good things lol).

I discovered old, stale emotions coming to the surface during this time. They were not intense but there nonetheless. I had to keep my eye on my thoughts because these old emotions brought about thought patterns that would cycle through and if I didn’t catch them in time I would end up in an old, familiar place. Thankfully I was able to keep myself from falling into the old cycles and patterns but several times I did have to ask myself, “Is this making me feel good or bad?” If it was not making me feel good, I stopped thinking it and moved on. And you know what? It worked even though I felt like crap. lol

All of this is in preparation for the next section of that Equinox portal I brought up earlier in April. This section is quite long, spanning through the end of this month, but I am told the next one is soon, early May. I don’t have the exact date yet but thinking May 4-5th or around there.

Interestingly, my entire family almost went on a trip to Seattle to visit his cousin. We would have left on the 4th and returned on the 9th. We opted out because of the cost of flying five people there (over $2000) plus I was wary of taking my youngest. I had hoped to go so I could visit a friend there but it was not meant to be. Additionally, a friend of mine is having a Galactic Shaman training on May 5th in Tennessee. Out of the blue I had the idea to go and almost got my husband to say yes but then later knew it was not a good idea. Just after realizing this my husband got nasty about me going, so my intuition was right. It’s okay. The message was likely not that I needed to go on either trip but about the timing of it.

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Repeating Message: Deceit and Protection

Another night of interrupted sleep. The K-index is in the red again, too.

Dream: Car to Poodle to Baby

I was in an unfamiliar house having a discussion with my mom about my sister. She had parked her car in the driveway. I was helping with a truck and the car began to move on its own. I mentioned it to my mom and she said it was broken but sometimes did that. I asked why she didn’t sell it for my sister to get her some money. My mom acted like this would be a terrible idea.

Then the car was a small, toy poodle. I knew it had been sleeping for years. It suddenly moved and walked into the house. I told my mom who was upset by this and asked me to get it. I found it curled up on the coffee table. It was making an awful noise so I said to it, “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you some food?” I figured it must be hungry if it had been asleep for years.

I picked up a tray of black metal objects – pens, scissors, razor blades. I filled the tray with water and was about to add baby rice cereal. I saw the sharp objects and thought, “This is not safe for a baby!” I emptied the tray of its contents and left the water, then added the cereal. I presented the food to the poodle but it had turned into a baby.

Dream: Putting Away the Lawn Mower

Then, I was walking down a hallway in the house and ran into a woman with long, auburn hair. When I saw her I recognized her calling her by name I don’t recall now. I greeted her warmly and she said hello and then hugged me. I asked her how she had been and if she had a good holiday. It felt like I meant Christmas but I honestly had no idea what I was saying or why. She said she had. She walked away. I had no clue who she was but apparently some part of me did know.

Next, I heard a noise in the garage. I went to investigate . The same woman was holding a lawn mower and moving it into a corner. I asked her, “Do you need help?” She said, “No. I’m just putting this away.” I went over to her and watched her scoot the lawn mower up against the wall. I noticed the garage was nearly spotless with a painted grey floor that shined. Definitely not my garage! lol It was two-car with two separate doors. The lawn mower was being placed up against the small space between the doors.

The woman smiled at me and said, “So, have you decided what you will do?” I knew she was talking about “work” and in my mind it felt akin to a teaching job but another part of me knew it was not the same work. I said to her, “Yes, I have decided not to leave. I will wait.” She said, “If you are sure.” There was a feeling from her that this may not be the best decision. Yet I felt happy and carefree. She looked at me closely, then, staring into my eyes. She said, “You look good.” I saw through her eyes the view of my face. It was radiant, flawless and stunningly beautiful.

She wiped her hair out of her face and left smudges. I said to her, “Your face is dirty.” She said, “It is? I must have gotten grease on it from the lawn mower.” She wiped her face with her hand and put more black streaks on it. I reached up and wiped it clean noting that if she kept touching it her faced would stay dirty. She was taller than me and I felt very drawn to her. I said to her, “Why am I so attracted to you?” I was standing with my face only inches from hers, my body touching hers. It felt nice but I had no romantic intentions. She looked down at me, smiled warmly and said something I can’t fully recall but it had to do with the masculine energy and the work they (men) were doing being independent from the feminine right now.

Considerations and Symbolism

I woke with a start. I knew the message she had given me was important. Why? I’m not sure. I could still remember the woman, smell her, even feel her breath on me as we stood nose to nose. She was awesome! She felt powerful to me. She was also very beautiful, her long, auburn hair thick and picture perfect. I wanted to be like her. That was my attraction!

Our conversation puzzles me a bit. What decision? What “work”? My first thought is that when she asked me what I will do and I said I had decided to stay that she was asking me about my marriage. That still feels correct. The feeling from her that it may not be wise came with a Knowing that I am putting myself at risk somehow. But how? I’m not sure but there has been, for many months now, two dream messages/themes that keep repeating. It is that someone is being deceptive and/or deceitful and to protect myself. I am sure it will all be clear at some point.

The first part of the dream seems to be a discussion about my mom and sister and their situation. The car is broken, so something is unfinished. Since it moves on its own then it could be that I feel unable to control the situation. It turns into a poodle which symbolizes a snobbish attitude. I feel I am better than my sister. The baby symbolizes new beginnings. The food is nurturing. Since it is full of sharp objects, specifically a razor blade, it means things I said in the past are coming back to me. I am attempting to fix it.

I think the auburn haired woman is me. She has been on vacation which symbolizes healing and recuperation. Similarly, garages symbolize a period of inactivity and feeling directionless. It is nearly spotless, so maybe lots of cleaning up has occurred. That it is a two-car garage symbolizes that I am not the only one going through such a period. The mower is a message to keep my temper and anger under control. It is between the doors of the garage so perhaps the anger is between myself and the other person. Like in the dream, I need to put it (the anger) away. The fact that the other woman unknowingly keeps putting black marks on her face from the mower suggests that I unknowingly present myself to others as dirty or flawed in some way. When I see my true self, though, I am beautiful and flawless.

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You Belong Here

Have you all been staying grounded through this full moon? If not, you should. It makes a huge difference.

It’s Spring Break in Texas. I’ve been hanging out at my mom’s in the country with my three kids during the day. Mostly I’ve been outside in the sun for two days. It’s been nice. Beautiful. When I drove to my mom’s the first morning I was really out of it while driving to the point that I kept forgetting where I was and having to remind myself. On the way home, after an entire day outside, I was the complete opposite. Never felt better. Today was a little better. I guess the grounding from yesterday did me some good because I was pretty grounded when the day started. Still am. Feeling balanced and very much in my body. It’s nice.

One thing that has been prevalent over the last couple of days are the messages I see on the 40 minute drive to/from my mom’s. I will just be driving along, thinking or singing or whatever, and some word or number will just pop up and then another and another. Usually they are in line with my thoughts and energy. So very obviously messages.

For example, yesterday night I was feeling great, singing loudly (lol) while driving to an old favorite and saw very clearly the word “freedom” pop out at me from a nearby car. The number 111 followed almost immediately after.

Then on the way home today I was feeling a bit out of it and thinking about some things, mostly not positive and feeling a bit down about things (long story). I was asking my guides what the point of all this – life – was. Why am I here? When can I go Home? That kind of thing. As soon as I have the thought about going Home a car catches my eyes and the word, “Journey” pops out. At the same time the song Fireflies by Owl City is playing and the last part of the chorus rings in my ears – “cause everything is never as it seems”. Then, literally a second after, I look up and a billboard sign catches my eye and it says, “YOU BELONG HERE.” LOL

I am a bit stunned by the whole message and go into a kind of daze, blinking my eyes and trying to shrug it all off. Then the song repeats and seems to echo – cause everything is never as it seems…..Geez.

This is just one kind of message. Wait until you read about this next one…

Woken in the middle of the night with awful tooth ache. Entire right side of my mouth aching. But this is normal when you have braces and I knew it was just that, but suddenly I got a bit paranoid. I had heard several messages within the past week about getting dental insurance. I got a phone call reminding me to go for a cleaning. I keep putting it off and made yet another excuse as to why I can’t go. The woman asked me if I wanted to sign up for their dental plan. I said no. Then this week I think I got three flyers in the mail for dental cleanings at a majorly reduced rate. On top of that, my daughter has been begging me to make her a dental appointment, too (yeah weird!). Then my mom and I literally just spoke about insurance that day. For some reason, right at that painful instant all these memories hit me at once along with a memory of being told by the dentist, “Braces move your teeth and can cause them to crack. You need to make sure you go to your cleanings.” Ughhhhhh. I went into baby panic attack mode thinking this pain would lead me to a root canal. Eventually I tuned into my heart and recognized the messages as a warning. So I plan to schedule that cleaning (cringe). Can you tell I hate the dentist? lol Oh and my teeth feel fine this morning. It was just the braces.

watersnakeFinal story of signs from the universe….

Went fishing today with my kids. No, we didn’t catch any. There were kids running up and down the banks of the creek and pond throwing in branches and stones and being complete idiots to scare the fish. Sigh. I was trying to teach my daughter how to cast and fish, etc. She wandered away while her cork sat untouched in the water. Like a good mommy I watched it for her. I headed toward the bank of the pond and felt an odd sensation beneath my right shoe. I moved a bit and it remained so I looked down at my feet. Probably the biggest freakin’ snake I have ever seen was up in the air squirming about trying to get out from under my foot. LOL It scared the bejesus out of me. It was literally in.the.air and came up to my knee! I jumped backward and screamed and it flew directly into the water. I think my heart raced for a good few minutes after that one.

I don’t know what kind of snake it was. It was pure brown so maybe a garter snake but not sure if they get that big. My first thought after I calmed down was that it was a message about the Kundalini energy. We’ll see. It also could just be a message to watch out where I step next time. 🙂 Glad it was too freaked out to bite me. Or maybe it was about to when I saw it…trying not to think of that.

Anyway, if you are on this “journey” with me, remember “everything is never as it seems”, “you belong here,” and “look before you take a step.” hehe

Happy equinox and full moon crazy snake energy to you from me.

Edit: BTW I did some research. The snake encounter I had was with a yellow bellied water snake. Gotta share this video to give you an idea of just how enormous it was….

 

 

 

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Dream and Message: Stop Hiding

Full moon dreams and messages from last night into this morning.

Dream: Stop Hiding

I found myself laying in bed with a man on my right. The covers were up over us. On the right of us was an elderly couple. On the left of us were two young, school aged children. There was a knowing that the man and I were to be in a pornographic movie. I felt guilt at this and was uncomfortable yet at the same time a part of me was okay with it and had agreed to do it. The man was talkative, trying to calm my nerves by asking me questions and cracking jokes. He was experienced while I was not.

The more comfortable he made me the more relaxed I became. We filmed the movie but most of it is lost to me, the sexual part anyway. I remember that the children and the elderly couple were watching, though, and that it bothered me. I also remember the cameras. Nothing was hidden despite us being under the covers. I recall an intimacy with my partner and afterward feeling that I would happily repeat the experience despite the guilt and feeling exposed.

Afterward I remember going home and being intimate with my husband. I was wracked with guilt over it and felt dirty.

Then I was talking with my partner from the film and taking a walk together. He was telling me about himself and asking me questions. I remember being acutely aware of my age and not wanting him to know how old I was. He appeared younger than me and very fit and attractive. I couldn’t understand why he would want to continue working with me when I was old and losing my physical beauty. I was happy and cheerful while with him and recall crawling into a giant dollhouse at one point and him saying, “What are you doing in there? You don’t fit!” He was right and I got right out wondering why I had done that and where the doll house came from.

Then we were laying on a green hillside. I think we were both completely naked, but I was mostly aware that he was. He looked like one of those Greek statues, very fit, muscular and lean. He was telling me how he felt he had failed at his art. I asked him what his art was and he said he danced. I asked, “What kind of dance?” I saw ballet. I smiled, impressed and told him so saying, “Oh! I like ballet!”. He still acted pensive and preoccupied. So I said, “Well I failed at being a singer, so you’re not alone.” There was a whole conversation here about art, choices and handling failure.

Then we went into a small, white room that had pictures hanging on the walls. They were all pictures from when I was in high school. There was a large picture of my best friend standing with her boyfriend at Homecoming and he pointed to them saying, “Is that them?” I said, “Yes, but don’t pay attention to these. They show my age.” I was acutely aware that several images had dates on them.

We continued to walk and talk for what seemed like a very long while. We could talk about anything and enjoyed one another’s company. He and I were to work together long-term. He was asking me questions about why I felt the need to hide my profession, our relationship and our work together. My answer came in the form of a dream within the dream.

Dream: Hide the Evidence

I went to my computer and began to type up my experiences in my journal. I was super charged with energy and extremely excited about the future with my partner (the man from above dream). I wrote about how he made me feel and my first on camera experience. It was very detailed. I also had the video of our experience together but can’t recall viewing it, just that it was there. Then I made sure to hide both my writing and the video away from my husband. I even went and cleared the computer history but after I would hide it, it would pop up on the main screen right in the center in bold lettering. I tried over and over to hide it and it kept reappearing. So my solution was the buy a laptop and hide the entire computer. I felt confident this would work and hid the laptop under the desk.

Dream: Our Work

My partner and I continued to talk, him asking me, “Why do you feel the need to hide? Why not just be yourself?” I remember feeling guilty, like I was bad and what I wanted was bad. I would be judged harshly if people knew. I equated the feelings of passion and aliveness I felt when I did my work with him as somehow wrong. This was based solely on what others thought, though, not on what I thought/felt.

The conversation shifted to him discussing our future work together. In this discussion we were floating over a crystal clear, flowing creek. I could see the rocks beneath the surface. It was no more than eight feet wide, maybe a little wider. My partner was explaining what the job entailed and what I would need to do, the characteristics I would need to have, to be successful at the job. I don’t remember all of what he said, I think because I did not doubt I had what it took. I do recall saying, “I can do that. I’m familiar with the Colorado (river).” There was a sense that this river was connected to the Colorado River. It felt like we were to follow it to its Source.

However, when he got to the last part of what he was saying I fixated on it. He said, “Sometimes the river floods.” He pointed to water standing in muddy puddles along the banks of the river. “You have to be willing to walk through the puddles to do this work.” I saw the puddles clearly and hesitated.

Message: Viernes 

That’s when I woke up. I knew something major had occurred in dreamtime. It was all very vivid in my memory. Who was this man I was with? Was he a guide? No, it felt like my Companion Traveler.

As I reviewed the dream in my mind I shifted into the in-between. I was having a conversation with my partner in Spanish (why Spanish again!?). I instantly translated it to English, too. lol We were talking about Spring Break and how we were to meet on Friday. I remember laughing about the word Friday in Spanish (viernes). My high school Spanish teacher (an awesome lady) made a huge deal out of viernes, saying it meant “beer day”, so I joked that we would be having a beer on Friday. lol

I woke up with viernes in my head and knowing that I was receiving a message about this Friday (it’s Spring Break here). What will happen, I don’t know, but message received.

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Song Message: I Believe in Angels

I fell into the in-between again as I was trying to make sense of my dream. I concluded that I was being confronted by my Companion Traveler. He was urging me to stop hiding from myself and others – to be my authentic Self. This means embracing those things I feel others judge as wrong such as my passion (sexuality) and mission (work). I am idealizing family life and avoiding problems (dollhouse). My partner feels he has failed to find balance in his life and relationships (ballet). I feel I have failed to find happiness, harmony and joy in my marriage (singing). We are both seeking a Homecoming, but I feel my tendency to follow old patterns and habits (age) is preventing it. The dream within a dream is a perfect example of how I hide my true self. He was explaining that I needed to connect the physical with the spiritual (Kundalini rising to Source). This I think was the symbolism of the river. We were following it to Source. This is our work and to succeed at it I can’t avoid my negative emotions and situations (muddy puddles).

I felt that my healing period was coming to and end soon. When it does, I will be asked to start moving forward and to stop hiding. This has been asked of me before without success. I am not sure I am ready to do it. I am told I will be when it is time.

This is when a song message came to me. I heard over and over, “I believe in angels…” It just kept repeating. I hadn’t heart the song in ages so had no idea what came after that part. When I looked up the lyrics the song made perfect sense as a message. If you look at the lyrics you will see there is a part that mirrors my dream.

I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see.
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream. 

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Happy Streak Continues

I awoke in a good mood. Again. Hehe Sadly, my daughter had to stay home from school today. She has a fever of 100 degrees, a headache and sore throat. 😦 I’m sure she will be fine but she can’t be at school with a fever.

As my day gets started I am feeling excitement welling up from within again. It has no object of focus. It is just Beingness and something I can’t believe I haven’t embraced every second of every day of my life.

With this excitement comes some quirkiness. My mind is not focused on any one thing, really. It is fairly open and flowing, touching only on what is necessary in the moment. With humor, my guidance deposits little messages and I laugh in return because they can be so funny in their choice of a medium.

For example, already this morning I have gotten messages in the form of music. One that was surprising and resulted in bubbly laughter on my part was the message, “Oooh baby, baby, baby, baby…” If you grew up in the 80’s you might recognize the song. I did. Straight away.

I am still laughing over here. Salt n’ Pepa, Push It….really? LOL I remember listening to this song when I was in 5th grade. I had no idea what it meant at the time. If my mom had known she would have not allowed me to listen to it. I must have listened to it quite a bit because I instantly knew it when I heard it in my mind and began dancing to it. Check out the lyrics if you are unfamiliar or just need a reminder. Just a warning – can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would? HA!

I’m dancing quite a bit for no reason, too. Also motioning with my hands and speaking in Light Language. I cleared space using Light Language and crystals yesterday. Fun times!

I have a Skype session scheduled for Saturday. I have yet to use Skype for anything except messaging so I am a bit unsure how it works. I need practice. Anyone want to practice with me? If I can find my tarot cards (kids got into them) I can give a reading or maybe just be silly and dance, too. Feeling pretty silly over here anyway. I have to get my new laptop set up for Skype, too. Hoping it’s a simple process.

I’m really not sure how to channel all this happy energy. What do you do when you feel energetically high like this? I’ve never had it last this long so usually I don’t do much of anything except enjoy it. But this time I feel like I need to channel it into something. Art doesn’t feel right. Dancing? Well that’s getting a bit warmer. Singing? Warmer. Hmmmm. I promise, I’m not manic depressive, at least I don’t think so……

Here’s another song I was listening to this morning. Gave me a good laugh. Noticing a pattern here. Hmmm Rap? Me? LOL Thinking I’m gonna dance…..F*ckin’ Awesome! Warning explicit language….hehe

 

 

 

 

 

 

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That Was Scary….

While at the gym today I experienced a sudden drop in blood sugar. It took me totally by surprise. My heart was pounding in my chest so fast that I immediately entered into panic attack mode. I don’t think my heart has ever pounded that fast. It was like I had just done a sprint! On top of the pounding heart, I had this strange sensation in my head and the tips of my fingers and toes began to tingle. I thought for sure I was going to pass out right there, yet I never did. I was able to keep my thoughts under control, practiced deep breathing and just waited.

And waited. 10 minutes and still my heart was pounding out of my chest and there was an odd tingling and my head felt like there were fingers stretched over the top of it. I had been sitting and was terrified to stand for fear of passing out, but after 10 minutes I figured I needed to get up. So I did and I didn’t pass out. Instead I felt better. My heart was still pounding, though.

I stopped by the front desk and told someone what I was experiencing. The poor guy almost had a panic attack! lol But talking to him helped and he finally calmed down, too. In that time I entered into the most tremendous shakes I have ever experienced. My entire body was shaking! I bought an energy bar and went to my car and waited to feel better. The shaking never stopped and I began to get this bone chilling cold feeling along with an icky tummy. I began to get worried about driving and thought to call my husband to come get me. Unfortunately, I had accidentally taken the other car keys with me and he had left a message asking me about it. He couldn’t come get me if he had no keys! LOL

So I drove home, heart still pounding (though not as bad), entire body shaking, teeth chattering, feeling cold chills, dizziness and stomach feeling icky. It was like I had instant flu. When I got home I was starving so drank some orange juice and another energy bar. But I was still so cold! So I took a long hot bath. I felt a bit better after but my stomach is not happy still.

So no big deal, right? Um, usually I would say that but this episode was different. I’ve never had my blood sugar drop that fast and unexpectedly and then leave me feeling like I just had the flu. The entire time it was happening alarms were going off. This was not good.

Why it’s Scary

A few days ago I had conversation with one of my guides while in the in-between. It was a very lucid conversation but I only recall the last parts. We were talking about diabetes and renal failure. I disregarded the conversation because it made no sense at the time.

The next morning, Mary Tyler Moore died as a result of complications from diabetes. I thought, “That must have been what the conversation was about.” But they didn’t say her kidneys failed? I disregarded that. I have lots of in-between conversations that make no sense. I don’t over analyze them anymore.

So today, while in the midst of the panic attack-like heart pounding and low blood sugar symptoms the above information came back to me, specifically the diabetes part. I tried to disregard. The last thing I needed was to think too much and cause the panic to escalate. Yet the information kept coming, along with memories and connections.

When I first awakened back in 2003, one of the first questions I asked was, “How will I die?” I received back, “Kidney failure.” I wondered about it and then let it go. Whatever. That will be when I’m old….lol

Then there came the family connection. My maternal grandfather’s side of the family all had diabetes. My great aunt had it so bad she had a foot amputated. My grandfather got it in his 60’s. My mom has hypoglycemia so bad now that she is terrified of a “low blood sugar attack” and takes food with her everywhere. Also, there is a connection between Mary Tyler Moore and my mom, too. She long considered her as her “twin” not only in name but also in looks.

On top of it all I have not been nice to my body. In my twenties I was bulimic. Probably for a good seven years and sometimes really bad. I never used laxatives (thankfully) but I binged and purged sometimes seven or eight times a day at my worst. On top of that I exercised every day and obsessed over calories. I ended up with awful tooth issues and experienced my first episodes of hypoglycemia toward the end. My spiritual awakening put an end to all that. But was it too late?

Finally, during my first pregnancy I got preeclampsia pretty bad. My doctor was concerned and told me, “You’re kidneys are shutting down.” She showed me the tests. I had protein level of 9. This was ultimately the information that led us to decide to induce labor. I remember my husband’s face – totally white. On top of that my blood pressure was way too high. I am surprised I didn’t have a stroke considering how high it was: 165/105. Only after, when I was recovering did I realize just how sick I was.

Bulimia wreaks havoc on the kidneys. My family history is full of diabetes. Kidney issues are made worse by low blood sugar. Eek!

Maybe I am going overboard and none of this is really connected, but the way the information came to me all at once, like pieces of a puzzle, has me a bit unnerved. I receive personal information from my guidance, mySelf, all the time. It is accurate more than I want it to be. I don’t doubt that this is meant to get me to pay more attention to my body. Whether I can do anything about it now, I don’t know. I think the damage has been done, though, and I am not crying about it. There are worse deaths that I can imagine (like being drowned by your father – my last life).  Maybe I will just go into a diabetic coma and die in my sleep? 🙂

As you can tell I’m not freaking out. I do take this information seriously and will pay more attention to my body. I suspect I have a good 20+ years left of life, so I’m not stressing just yet. But that is only if I don’t consider that one time my guidance asked me, “What if you only had 10 years left to live?” That was in 2008……:)