Incentives Needed

The lack of motivation continues. In considering it further, I realize that I have been feeling this lack for some time. Months, years even. It is intricately linked to my dislike of being in this world, of participating in life. I struggle to find things that make me smile. Daily I search for them, hoping for a brief reprieve in this drudgery. Thankfully I am surrounded by my children and my youngest is a great source of joy. He is walking, talking, babbling joy.

Right now we all are in an integration stage, preparing for the next step or whatever you want to call. A friend of mine said it perfectly: Integration is being stuck on third base (I don’t know) until CONFIRMATION comes to the plate and drives you Home.

My dreams were indicative of my struggle with finding the motivation to move forward, to take the steps I need to take. When I awoke I heard my guides say, “We will give you incentives.” Hmmm. Intriguing.

Dream: In High School Again

Once again I found myself in the all-too-familiar dreamscape of high school. I was a student in a present-day high school taking all the courses I had already taken and blending in with the students there. I remember at one point getting a math assignment and feeling fed up with such assignments. I already knew how to do this level of math. It was 9th grade math. I was way beyond 9th grade – miles above it.

A fellow student gave me the last bunch of math problems – simple algebraic equations. I took the paper, sighed and rolled my eyes. The student asked me if I could do them. I said, “Of course, I can. I can do all of it. It is just tedious and time consuming.” In my mind I thought of how long it would take to solve each problem and just considering it made me tired.

I continued to talk to the student and others gathered around to listen to me. I remember telling the student my secret: I graduated high school already. Years ago. They asked how long ago and I said, “Well I graduated in 1994, so more than 20 years now.” They all gasped. lol In the dream I looked/felt young like them so I had no issue with being so old, but now I laugh because damn, I’m old now! lol

A young girl and I walked through the school together talking. She was African American with beautiful, shoulder length curls that hung in ringlets around her face. Exactly the way I wish I looked in this lifetime. We were going to a part of the school we were not allowed to go and I was excited to be doing something different. I remember we got to an area where there was a large bed and living area. Sitting at a desk was an dark complected teacher. She allowed us to leave and we exited the scene.

Dream: Water Park Prison

I was working at a water park. It was early in the morning and the water had not been turned on yet. I told some waiting children that the water would be on soon. I told them to watch the massive blue slides for signs of water turning on. When it did, the children were allowed to slide on them and for a moment I was one of those children, joyfully sliding down the slides.

I remember being at the front desk with others and offering to help. For some reason I ended up playing the role of waitress or servant, bringing drinks. It was like the front desk area turned into a restaurant. Interestingly, helping made me feel useful and needed so I found enjoyment in it.

Then I was inside a county jail that reminded me of a school except it was most definitely set up to imprison its occupants. I was there to visit a young Hispanic man. I remember that an older woman was with me and was helping me to get in since I was not suppose to be there visiting him. I remember little about our meeting now, but I do recall meeting with him. He was in the middle of eating his dinner but it was too early for dinner – around 4:30pm – and I apologized for interrupting it. He kept his head down and wouldn’t look at me, but my message to him was that I was there to get him out. He would be released soon.

Interpretation

In considering these dreams, it is obvious to me that I feel imprisoned in this Earth experience. Life is a drudgery. It isn’t a challenge anymore – or at least not a challenge that I find worthwhile. The problems I have I feel I can solve easily but I don’t see the point. If I have already graduated, what am I doing here still? I look at the math problems and feel as if all desire to live is sucked completely out of me. And I do feel I CAN solve them without issue, but the idea of taking the time to do so is exhausting.

The second dream is interesting. I think someone was trying to get me to see the fun that can be found in this “game”. Emotions (water) can be something exhilarating (water slide). One doesn’t have to drown in them. And the waitress part I think was me being shown that I found enjoyment in being of service – which I do.

The prison scene appears to be them showing me that I could help free others from the “prison-school”. Who it was I was visiting, I’m not sure, but I suspect it was someone who I felt I could help.

With that, I will add that I have been feeling a huge loss. The feeling of ALIVEness that came with the heart connection and kundalini episodes of the past 6 months is now gone. I feel it has been unfairly taken from me and without it, I don’t see anything ahead of me but a bleak,  uninteresting life. It seems always to happen this way for me. I am given a gift and then it is snatched away from me or I lose interest in it because it is no longer new. Similar to how a child plays with a new toy for a day or two and then it ends up under their bed, forgotten, and they seek out another new toy to play with. That’s me. Easily bored. Always wanting something new and exciting and without it sulking in the corner until I get what I want.

 

 

Sharing

It’s time to share yourself with others. However you can: share. It can be a smile. A touch. A silent prayer. A hug. A positive thought. Whatever you have, give it. It is time.

Our missions are being revealed. Notes have been taken over countless years of preparation and training. Our practicums are ahead. Time to put into practice what we’ve learned. Time to step up.

Guidance will be provided. You will not be alone in this. However, you may find physical connections will abound. Your not-aloneness will be felt in physicality. We will gather. In pairs. In small groups. In social media. The “web” will grow. It will be slow at first. We have lots to do in preparation of this. Some of us still have some learning to do. We’ve put the hardest lessons aside for too long. They are coming up because, well, they are all that’s left.

An Example of Sharing

Last night I was alone with my three kids. My husband is out of town until Friday night so its just us four. I spent the night playing games with them. I have not laughed so much in a while. My guidance told me, “You were in the present moment. You glowed.” I do not doubt it.

After the games, I did some stretching/yoga with my daughter, instructing her on the proper positioning. Then I taught her how to Om. We sat face-to-face, cross legged, and Om’ed together. Her tone was higher than mine and she kept laughing.

I asked her to give me her hands and we Om’ed together like that. Holding her hands made my tone lower. Releasing her hands made it come out higher. Interesting!

Then I showed her the energy. I asked her to put her hands toward me, palms facing up. Then I put my hands over hers and asked her to feel. Within minutes there was a crackling energy between our hands and she was fascinated. She asked, “How do you do that? It is so warm!”

I moved my hands and she noted the changes. I put my hands on either side of her head and her eyes got really wide.

Then I noticed my right palm was pulling almost painfully, so I got out one of my crystals. My daughter was full of questions. I answered them. I let her hold the crystal. I taught her about positive and negative charge. I taught her about the atom. I taught her about us and how we channel energy/charge. She listened attentively.

This is how I shared myself – my energy, my knowledge – last night. It is simple yet powerful. Anyone can do it. We just have to remember to do it.

 

Message 87

Today I felt like searching online for jobs which had a spiritual component to them. I just randomly went where Google led me. I found this website. So many of the jobs would be great for me if I were single. Sigh. The adventurous side of me really wanted to go to Costa Rica. lol

While I was browsing a summer job located in Hunt, Texas, I felt something on the back of my neck. Thinking it was a bug or something poking me, I reached back and felt a very small piece of something stuck to me. I pulled it off. It was a tiny sticker.

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Another one of those inspection tags that you find on new clothing. lol Seems to be a common method of message transmission by my guides these days.

Guess what message the number 87 brings?

Angel Number 87 meaning gives a powerful communication from the angel numbers that if you have spiritual inclinations, the time is highly auspicious to get into a spiritual based vocation and spread this knowledge to others. You will have the blessings of the angels in your ambitions and you will be able to put it into reality. They recognize your efforts to spread spiritual awareness in the society and will be happy to support you in this endeavor.

I have been laughing ever since. Message received loud and clear.

Now, please, just direct me where I need to go.

Two Recent Signs

The universe has been sending me some pretty obvious messages lately that I wanted to share.

Blue Jay

Blue Jay has visited me before back in January, but recently he is showing himself again. The first time was quite unexpected and unusual. I cannot recall just when this happened (a couple of weeks ago maybe?) but on a walk with my youngest one afternoon I came upon three baby blue jays hopping about on the sidewalk. They were too young to fly yet, so likely they had prematurely falling from their nest. They had enough feathers and ability to fly short distances but would have been an easy catch if I had wanted to do that. Instead, my son and I stopped and watched the three babies bounce about and chirp to their parents in the trees above.

I had never seen a baby Blue Jay before. In fact, I have not seen many jays in my lifetime, at least not this close up. When I lived a hour north of my location now blue jays were very, very rare. Here near the city they are more common, this year especially.

In addition to the close encounter with the baby jays I have a pair of blue jay parents dive bombing my bird feeder. I purposefully bought a finch feeder with very tiny perches to keep the larger birds away. I prefer feeding the pretty songbirds like Cardinals. Anyway, the jay is very smart and has figured out how to get to the seed despite being way to big for the feeder. I have been watching as they grab some sunflower seed, take it to a nearby tree to eat and then return for more. The somehow manage to get the seed by balancing on the lower perches sideways, wings flapping. They also have babies that look like adults who they share their winnings with.

Eleven

As if the Blue Jays weren’t enough of a hint, the universe decided to give me a more obvious message. Yesterday afternoon I kept feeling something on the inside of my pants that created a slightly annoying itch. I brushed my leg several times and the last time I noticed something was stuck to my leg. I pulled it off and it was this:

11

Though the image is very large here, this is a tiny sticker maybe half and inch square. It is likely an inspection sticker from my pants. When I saw it I laughed out loud. The universe couldn’t have been anymore obvious!

When looking up the angel number of 11 I usually go to the Joanne Sacred Scribes website. This time, however, that explanation did not feel right. So I went to this site instead. I like how it immediately states that the number 1, which is doubled in 11, indicates a new chapter or fresh start. Two ones together, 11, symbolize a doorway. New opportunities await.

The message hit me hard while I was doing yoga. This is not unusual, something about yoga intensifies the connection I have with my Team. Usually my crown or third-eye will light up. I was hit very hard with a realization that something profound was approaching. I remember the realization made me hold my breath because the consideration of “it” made me a bit nervous. It was primarily a feeling so I can’t say what exactly “it” is. Regardless, the message of 11 was reinforced.

Chapter 5

So much has transpired in the last week that I tend to forget some of what I am told by my Team of guides.

One such tidbit of information was that I had begun Chapter 5. If you have been following my blog for some time, you will be familiar with the chapter theme. I have been given chapter numbers for a while now and Chapter 4 began in March, 2016.

In considering what has transpired since March this year, I will say that indeed my focus was put all on my family and spiritual transformation. Distractions were removed but it took some time on my part to remove them all. I do not recall being asked to channel much in this time period, though. I believe my distraction was the main cause. I was too fixated on a particular issue to be bothered with channeling.

Chapter 5 is about communication and interaction with others. In receiving information about this particular chapter I noticed how this chapter seems very much to correspond with the 5th chakra. In considering this it was confirmed that chapter progression is linked to the Kundalini progression upward through each chakra. This makes complete sense considering I was told there are 7 chapters total.

What I was shown/knew about this next stage in my development was that I was to work on expressing mySelf and all I had learned about mySelf via the most recent transformative process (beginning the fall of 2015). Communication is an essential part of manifestation. You must state clearly what it is you wish to manifest. This involves also being in tune with yourSelf, specifically having a clear and open heart.

Honestly, I don’t feel I have an issue with communicating. If anything, I am too blunt and honest and don’t put near enough thought into what I have to say before I say it. I blame my Sagittarius moon for this personality flaw (or gift depending on how you look at it). Yet there are things I rarely express in words with the people in my life that will need to be said at some point. Most is related to my spiritual beliefs and experiences.

Then there is the sharing of my experiences with others outside of my family. The focus is on face-to-face communication here. Getting out and meeting new people. This is also part of Chapter 5. I will be flying to Mt. Shasta, CA at the end of this week, so this part of my path is set to begin really soon.

Chapter 5’s theme also goes along really well with what my astrological forecast showed would be happening for me starting this summer and ending next summer.

 

Beetle Mania

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not about The Beatles. 🙂 lol

For about a week  I’ve been seeing beetles everywhere. First they were coming in my dreams. Big, black, shiny beetles walking around. I noticed them in my dreams as out of place and so when I woke that was pretty much all I recalled about the dream. Weird, huh?

Last night as I went into the house and was preparing for bed, I looked down on my black yoga pants and saw a bug. Looking closer I recognized it. Do you?

A little lightening bug was on me! Tee-hee!

Then this morning, about an hour after thinking to myself, “I need to write a post on beetles because I keep seeing them” I spotted a tiny black beetle on the floor in the bathroom. It was probably the size of my pinky fingernail, but it was still gross to me so I picked it up with some TP and tossed it in the toilet. Yuck!

So what is up, Mr. Beetle? Why do you keep coming around?

Upon first inspection, seeing a beetle in your dreams does not look to be a good sign. Everywhere I looked online said that if you see a beetle in your dreams just casually walking around (like in mine) then it means there is a destructive force present in your waking life. This destructive force could be internal or external. Other than that, it leaves the determination of just what this force is up to the dreamer. Not really that easy to do in my case as there are so many such forces both internally and externally that I can choose from. lol

Then I thought to look up the symbolism of the beetle as a totem or sign just to see if it differed from the dream symbolism. Sometimes the meaning is the same regardless but in this case it was very different.

As always I went to whats-your-sign.com and found a plethora of information on the symbolism of the beetle. Yay! I love that website! Anyway, rather than summarize everything, I will just pick and choose those parts of Mr. Beetle’s message that I feel are applicable to me and my situation.

Transformation
Adaptation
Surrender to change
Strength
Stability
Give thanks for those things that are stable, reliable and secure in my life
Focus on the material
Be more grounded
Be more rooted in our life (family connections)
Take note of negative thoughts and their influence
Black indicates promotion of stability, protection and healing misunderstandings

It seems to me that Mr. Beetle has come to remind me to focus on my life and getting it on track. All things mundane and then some is what seems to be his theme. There is, of course, a spiritual component to his message, but it seems that he wants me to see the spiritual in the physical. This I am happy to do but at the same time I would rather not get my hands dirty with some of the more unpleasant parts. I admit, little, black beetles give me the heebie-jeebies. lol

I prefer the message of the little firefly/lightening bug. I linked to the symbolism above but will say his message brings me a bit more hope. I can use some inspiration, imagination, illumination, and patience. Patience especially. 🙂

 

 

The Ankh

I awoke this morning in a similar state to how I fell asleep but without the dizzy spells. In this state I was speaking with someone and repeated a name several times. Or at least at the time I thought it was a name. The only part of it I remember now is Ankh. I specifically recall the name had two syllables but the first part – Ankh – is all I could recall once fully awake.

Not long ago I was given the name Hermes by one of my guides. Hermes is linked to the caduceus which in turn is connected to the Kundalini. In this article the caduceus is also linked to the Ankh.

I have Egyptian connections via past lives. These have just recently been revealed to me but I do not have nor have I ever had a specific interest or fascination with ancient Egypt. Yet this morning when I heard the name I knew instinctively that it was Egyptian in origin and my first thought was that I needed to look up Akhenaten. My first thought when I read about Akhenaten was Ancient Alien theory. This is mentioned in the above link. I connected this with my Starseed origins but did not overthink it.

I am not sure what all of these symbols mean yet. Since they continue to arise in my conscious mind I must assume there is a reason.

The Rainbow

Last night, quite suddenly, I recognized a symbol that had been presented to me for the last 24 hours multiple times. Sometimes I am quite dense, especially now.

The Rainbow

The first time the rainbow came to me was when I published the last post on this blog. I was searching for pictures and in my mind I saw a brilliant rainbow connecting Earth to the Heavens. It seemed like a bridge so I of course thought of the Rainbow Bridge. Since my first thought was this was related to pets and not me, I chose a different picture and moved on with my day.

I had to visit the orthodontist to fix an issue that had come up with my braces. I have a slight overbite and they had to place bite turbos in the back but they had worn down and so had to be replaced. They put a new kind of turbo behind the front of my teeth. I now look like I have tiny vampire fangs behind my front teeth. lol These turbos cause me to talk with a slight lisp. They gave me a sheet to read over and over to help me to correct the lisp. The sheet was called “Rainbow Passage”. I read through it once without making a connection.

Finally, as I was trying to sleep last night, I entered into a strange kind of semi-delirium. I would seem to fall into a semi-trance type state briefly. This would border on sleep but I never would actually fall to sleep. Then I would recollect things that had happened but seemed to have no time frame attached. I also had dizzy spells with this – like my entire world would be spinning. Since I have never passed out but have come close I can only guess that what happened to me last night was that I passed out/fainted several times only to return disoriented. It is hard now to recollect everything that occurred during this time but one memory that I returned with was being instructed to immerse myself in the rainbow, allowing each color to permeate my Being. It was when this memory surfaced that I connected the other rainbow messages and understood.

There was so much knowingness when I would surface from these episodes of unconsciousness that I remember wanting to get out of bed and write it all down. Yet my guidance encouraged me to return to sleep and with their encouragement I lost all interest in remembering and fell asleep. It was a very strange incident and I’m not sure what to make of it.

Rainbow Symbolism

Rainbows have long been associated with following one’s heart and purpose. To make it to the end of the rainbow is celebrating as a great accomplishment. There is also the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow representing one’s dreams come true. Unfortunately, the pot of gold is often never found which can represent one’s endless search for something that will never be.

My vision of the rainbow bridge, however, suggests a connecting of my Earthly Self with my spiritual Self. To me this indicates balance and receptivity. This article explains the many meanings of the rainbow and the messages it brings.

It is especially interesting to me that the rainbow can represent ascension. I received a message on Wednesday. The message was, “You will be married in two days”. I understood this to mean a spiritual marriage. Since today will mark the second day, I suppose I will see if this “marriage”comes to pass.

OBE: Human DNA

I awoke at 5:30am wide awake and determined to fix my life. lol I got up and got a drink of water to try and calm down because even though I was prepared to do some drastic things at that very moment, I knew better than to do anything when in such a state.

I returned to bed at 5:55am and tried to meditate. It didn’t work too well at first but slowly the irritation melted away. The last thing I remember is hearing the tiny footsteps of one of my children as they went downstairs. I remember thinking, “That’s it. I’m going to have to get up soon.” Then I remembered it was Sunday and realized I didn’t have to get up. So I rolled over onto my left side to sleep.

Lucid to OBE: The Plan

I found myself in a dark room along with two others both of them men I think. I couldn’t see well but the energy was good and so I assumed the lights were just off. One man in particular was very close to me. I could feel his arm next to mine. This brought on full lucidty and I knew I was OOB. I looked at my hands and said, “Clarity now” and could feel and see everything stabilize. Still feeling the man so close to me I began to immediately want one thing: sex. LOL

I kept trying to get the man interested in me but he was talking strangely. Talking about a “plan” that needed to be worked on and asking the other guy if he had gotten the information. The whole conversation reminded me of a James Bond movie or “Black Ops” type stuff. I was not in the least interested in what they were saying, though.

The man I was interested in kept walking away from me as he was talking. I was aware of a door and heard someone enter and them whispering. Still not caring, I got the attention of the guy and tried to kiss him and he sent me a message telepathically that this was not what we were suppose to be doing. lolol Looking back on this now I am sure I was in my child personality – all bubbly and high energy and a bit sporadic. I definitely don’t listen well when I am “the child”.

At some point I lost connection and shifted into my body. I could feel the energy still prime to go back out, so I did.

OBE: Human DNA

Back in the scene again, I immediately went back to trying to get the guy interested in me. The conversation continued about this “plan” but I was oblivious. Instead, I wanted to play.

Looking up I noticed a staircase and grabbed onto the railing. I swung up and around it and then landed right on top of the man. I still can’t see him but this time he allows me to embrace him and kiss him, but something is weird about it. I did’t physically feel him but instead it felt like a blob of plastic. And it is like I am kissing air. Undeterred I hear him say something like, “There, I’m done.” I say back to him, “I want to see you.” I strain my eyes through the darkness to try and see him. I see an outline and move closer and then he ducks out of the way. He does this several times until I grab onto him and push him down onto the floor.

Finally thinking I will be able to see this mystery man, I look down at the person whose shoulders I have my hands on. My vision suddenly brightens up, like someone turned on the lights. In front of me is not a man at all but a small girl with long, blonde hair. When I see her I let her get up and she looks at me a bit stunned. I’m stunned briefly but then see a flash of color through the windows. “Fireworks!” I yell to the girl. She looks confused. I say to her, “Come on! Let’s go see!” I grab her hand and she resists, pulling back, but I am bigger and stronger and just drag her along behind me.

I go right through the door – no resistance. It is like it just disappears. The girl is right behind me but I don’t feel like I am dragging her anymore.

We fly out into the road and I can see the bright reds, blues and whites of what I assume is fireworks. At the same time, a small child comes running toward us. He is all alone and couldn’t be more than 3 or 4 years old. I say aloud, “There’s a kid coming.” I heard a boy’s voice respond but I never see who it comes from.

I turn to see who is speaking to me but my attention is drawn to my own house. It is bigger than life and so grand looking, the white bricks gleaming. It resembles a mansion. I also notice that we are standing lower than we should be. There is a small, stone stair that leads up to the house. Being this stair is not there in real life, I take note of it wondering briefly where I am.

I still see fireworks and hear booming but am confused because no fireworks I’ve ever seen looked this way. I say aloud, “I wonder what it is?” and send a mental thought wondering why the colors were not streaming down like fireworks do. And hear a male voice say, “It’s human DNA.” And I think, “Of course.”

I grab the little girl’s hand and we fly toward the noise and lights. We are stopped suddenly by a black military Hummer. Men in black and gray military garb wearing black hats and carrying radios hang out the windows and glare at us. This is when I begin to think the fireworks are not fireworks but flares and the booms are guns.

Curious and with absolutely no fear, I float down the street and see tall apartment buildings to my left. I hear yelling. I stop and look up and on a balcony above there are several men in black with guns. They are pointing their guns at civilians who are wearing their night clothes and very obviously afraid. I hear a gun go off and one of the men in black yells. I see a woman, obviously terrified, follow orders and stand where she is told. There is a line of scared civilians behind her. I know a man had just been killed and shudder a bit from the knowledge of this.

We continue down the street which has now morphed into some unfamiliar city. It reminds me of the UK but I have not been to many European cities so it could have been anywhere. The reason it reminded me of the UK is that there were shops on the lower levels of the buildings and above them were apartments where people lived. The buildings were very close together. Quite cramped for space. This is what I saw when I visited London.

I saw on the streets two men standing and watching the commotion on the balcony above. They look foreign but their skin tone is white and both look to be in their 50’s. One was smoking a cigarette. I asked them if they were going to do anything. The man with the cigarette said something like, “We don’t get involved” and they both shrugged their shoulders. Both were wearing a red cloth armband and their clothing reminded me of clothing a rebel or militia member would wear. The color was mostly green but it was not a uniform. It was familiar to me but now I cannot place it.

There was a realization at this time that pulled me back into my body. My last thought was, “Too many of us are bystanders.” And I felt so sad about how few of us were trying to help. It was like the entire OBE was a lesson on the state of the world and why it was the way it was. Too many bystanders.

Message

Back in my body I sensed my guides near and said, “I want to go back.” I knew my energy was not right but despite that I still tried to return. Instead I ended up in the in-between with several guides around me. It was like the first OBE – the scene was dark and I could not see anyone’s face.

I could sense the presence of both male and female energy. Still trying to will myself back into the scene, I kept trying to catch the right wave of vibrations to exit. When it became clear that I was not suppose to leave, I settled down.

Then I heard a male voice say, “You have six keys left.” In front of me I saw an illuminated golden key ring and six small, golden keys dangling from it. Before I had a chance to think about it I heard a woman’s voice say, “We’ve been trying to tell you. You can’t act prematurely. There’s still six left to go.”

There was more said without words. I knew these were the ones helping me, who have been helping me for a while now. There was a sense that I was not being very cooperative and this was their attempt to get me to listen. The message was clear, “Now was not the time to take action. These feelings will pass.”

Edit: I took 100mg B6 prior to bed. I’m starting to think B6 is my ticket to OBE. lol

Waterfall

From the minute I woke up this morning until just a few moments ago, reminders of the waterfall in my most recent dream have been everywhere.

When I went down for breakfast this morning, this was on the counter:

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Drawing of Angel Falls by my daughter, Adrian.

I had not seen the drawing before this morning, but I knew immediately what it was and my dream came straight into my mind.

Shrugging it off, I went about my day only to see an article in my news feed with this picture attached:

waterfall2

So now I am taking notice. What did I miss about the waterfall in my dream? Obviously I missed something or else I wouldn’t be seeing waterfalls first thing in the morning!

So I looked up the dream interpretation of waterfall:

To see a waterfall in your dream is symbolic of letting go. You are releasing all those pent up emotions and negative feelings. Alternatively, the dream represents your goals and desires. In particular, if the waterfall is clear, then it represents revitalization, regeneration and renewal. Source: www.dreammoods.com

Ok. Got it. Great. Can I move on with my day now?

Well, my day has royally sucked. I don’t know if it because I didn’t get much sleep or if it something in the air (energy) today, but I have been very, very down on myself all day. I held back the emotion of it most of the day but eventually it hit me full force and all I could do was allow it to flow. I absolutely hate the feelings that came up and have not been too easy a charge for my guides today I am sure.

Then I get a message from a friend about my waterfall dream and how beautiful it was. Though I am pleased to get the message, there is the waterfall coming up again!

I put it out of my mind. Again. My frame of mind at this point is, “Whatever. Go away (guides).”

Then I am in tears because everything in my life doesn’t fit and I don’t know what to do about all that has happened to me since December. There is an awful feeling that I will feel like this for the rest of my life. That nothing is ever going to get better.

Then memories of last night come up. My husband and I were suppose to go to a concert but he got the address wrong and by the time he figured it out we would have been over an hour late for it. So we gave the tickets to friends and went out to eat. The topic (he brought it up) was divorce. Not ours but his best friend from high school was getting divorced after 16 years of marriage. My husband went on to tell me all the similarities between us and them. What is weird is that he rarely talks to this friend, had reached out to him months ago and just now received a call and this was the news he was given. Things were really feeling surreal and I felt uneasy for some reason. So I ordered a 20 ounce margarita. lol

As the evening went on, the subject shifted and my husband was asking me about a particular person. Well alcohol makes me very happy. I’m a happy drunk (well I was buzzed anyway). lol So when we talked about this person I smiled so big and could not help it. I could feel myself come alive and though I tried to stop it and hide it, it was too late. My husband saw it and said, “See! Look how you light up!” Oops! And I kept smiling after and laughing, making excuses for myself and eventually it all blew over. I think I smiled for the next three hours straight, though.

And the contrast between that happy high and this miserable low I now found myself in was just too much. I told my guides that I couldn’t take it anymore. Then life interrupted and I sucked it all up and moved on. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?

Later, I sat down to reply to an email. As I finished up the reply I looked to my left and saw the words, “Let It Go.” Hahaha! Those words were written on a piece of music sitting on top of my husband’s keyboard. From the movie Frozen. You may have heard of it….:)

Now I am still obviously dense because even though I have the messages, I am wondering, “Let go of what?” And as I type this I am reminded of a moment today when I was feeling so, so much and every feeling was conflicting with another feeling and I was thinking, “I shouldn’t be feeling this” and “What is wrong with me” and so on and so forth. I remember being told amidst my upset, “What is wrong with feeling what you feel?” With this came the idea to pay attention to those very feelings.

Ha! Me, pay attention to my feelings? hahahaha

And now I am thinking that maybe I have been letting go all along, just letting go of the wrong thing. Maybe. But then I still doubt. I have no clue. I’m hopeless.