Category Archives: Messages

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Dream Message: ACIM page 40

I’ve been staying at the new house (my retreat space). This is day 3. No apparitions. lol I did have a visitor in my dream last night who gave me a message.

In the dream, I was with my older sister and she wanted to go shopping. We walked along through what seemed like a flea market full of various shops. She looked at a shop with lots of clothing. Of course, she picked clothes that were for work with flowy arms and lots of chenille. I told her they wouldn’t suit her needs since she doesn’t have a job. A sales person for the shop tried to get me to buy something but I told her I prefer t-shirts and sweatpants. I recall looking at what I was wearing and it was similar to what I told her. 

We continued to walk and my sister kept getting distracted by things she wanted to buy. I wasn’t really interested in anything. At some point we ended up at a woodshop filled with carved items. My sister said, “Why do we always end up in places like this?” I looked around curiously at the items but didn’t select anything. My sister grabbed something that looked like a bowl with a little creature that would move with the help of water in the bowl. She asked the attendant to get her some water as she drank the remainder of the dirty water from the reservoir. Grossed out, I walked away to browse on my own.

I picked up a couple of small, carved objects. I’m not sure what they were but one seemed to be four people or characters connected hand in hand. Another was a single character. I held the single character in my right hand and the other one in my left and just started walking.

I walked along a paved road that had other, smaller shops throughout. I didn’t stop at any but just drifted, my mind on my life and what to do. I felt somewhat lost, not sure what direction to go. I recall being reminded by a passing thought that I am a hermit, so I should do what brings me joy. There was some music playing and I began to sing with the music. I let my voice go louder than I normally would in public until I was singing full volume. It made me feel good and I knew that if I just did what brought me joy that the right people would “see” me, or be drawn to me. All I had to do was wait for the right call from one of those people.

On my right a coastline took shape and I saw a blue heron dip below the side of the road towards the shoreline. My attention now on the water, I found a nice spot on the ground with a view of the water and sat down. I could feel the figurines in my hands as I fidgeted with them. 

From behind me I felt someone approach. I knew it was a man and I took a deep breath in preparation for his interruption of my solitude. As I waited for him to speak, I saw a strange looking creature on the shoreline where the heron should’ve been. It looked like a Pokémon creature, kind of like a weird dragon in a fat, pig shape. He had sharp teeth and large eyes, typical of a Pokémon (Bulbasaur maybe?).

Before I could investigate the man behind me spoke about the creature saying it represented change (Bulbasaur is based on the frog which symbolizes transition/change). He then spoke directly to me in a very calm voice. His words were very intelligent and he spoke as if he was from a different time or place. I tried to listen, to remember everything he was saying, but all I could do was grab onto what felt to be most important. I remember he said to me, “A Course in Miracles, page 40”. I repeated this to myself as he spoke more. It bothered me that I would not remember all his words and with that, I slowly began to wake. I remembered what he told me and thought about jotting it down since my memory often fails me nowadays. I wanted to sleep, though, so I opted to get more sleep.

ACIM

When I finally awoke I couldn’t recall anything except for the page 40 part. I heard from my left, the male voice say, “A Course in Miracles”. Curious, I considered it. I’ve never felt drawn to that book, though one of my close friends has recommended it numerous times. Here is the link to page 40. 

What I find revelatory about this section is that it seems to point directly to my thoughts in the above dream – of how I am a Hermit (Human Design) and must focus on doing what brings me joy and while doing so, wait for a call from those who truly “see” me. This has been coming through to my consciousness this entire trip to my retreat space. One of the ways I find clarity is through purposeful alone time during which I am not impacted by any other’s energy and can tune into my own energy; therefore finding clarity from within. Last night, prior to bed, a message came through that I need space and time alone to reflect and find clarity. There have been too many distractions and I have been immersing myself in these distractions rather than taking the time to look within. 

The name of this chapter is “The innocent perception”. This in itself screams Human Design to me. I have only one channel connecting two defined centers: 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. This channel in and of itself is about perception.

This page also speaks of inner vision. This is also written in my HD. This is how I perceive the world and is part of color and tone (link here) – the 4th tone of the Environmental variable – inner vision cognition, or how I take in the world around me. In HD, inner vision is about relying on one’s inner vision to perceive the word instead of using the physical eyes. Though I have not purposefully perfected this part of my design, I have found throughout my life that I rely more and more on my inner vision rather than what is presented to me via the physical world. This inner vision allows me to see past what other’s and the world present to me to the truth. I have often perceived what I can only describe as something distasteful. This in itself is a warning that there is something hidden and to be wary of the person, place or situation. 

So, the message I received was to focus on strengthening my inner vision in order to find truth and knowledge. The definition of knowledge presented in ACIM – Knowledge is an experience of wholeness and unity. 

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Spirit Manifested

I’m staying at my new house so there shouldn’t be any spirit activity. Yet last night I was awakened around 11:30pm. I don’t recall why I woke – if there was a dream or some communication that I received, IDK. I opened my eyes and saw above me a swirl of smoke that moved and had color and brightness. It was elongated almost reminding me of a horses head. There was an illuminated sort of backlit bluish-green color as well. The room wasn’t completely dark making it very obvious to me what I was seeing. I said aloud, “What the…” and with that, I blinked, and when I re-opened my eyes, it was gone.

I struggled to return to sleep for some time after. I had to use the bathroom so I got up, which was difficult in itself because I worried I would encounter something on the way to the bathroom. Nothing happened. The whole time I was putting protection around myself, my bedroom and the entire house. 

As I began to drift back to sleep, I got visuals, likely communication from this entity who was female. I was shown the work I had done that day. I was clearing debris from the old mobile home site – pieces of vinyl skirting, old concrete blocks and various pipes. The amount of vinyl siding was ridiculous. Some had been there so long that grass had set roots in the grooves. As I worked, I imagined how the place got into such disrepair, thinking of the excuses made to avoid doing the work needed to keep the place nice. The man who lived there was very obese, so I imagined he thought of how tired it made him and opted to eat a snack or take a nap rather than take action to clean up his messes. I also thought of his wife, an alcoholic, and how bored she must have been. I thought of her choosing to drink rather than clean (there were numerous bottles of cleaners strewn about) and her thinking how she was the only one cleaning and if no one else cared, why should she? Ultimately, I felt that both had gone into complete apathy about their living situation, among other things. I got very angry at first and then ultimately felt sorry for them. To live in such filth and feel you can do nothing about it has to be an awful feeling.

Another communication I received was memory of when I was clearing out the addition. This was early on, just after we had just purchased the property. I found boxes full of documents, photos and other family keepsakes. There were old photo albums, similar to the ones I use to see at my grandparents house. I wondered why anyone would just leave personal items like that. The spirit focused me in on a name I read in that paperwork. I only remember now that it began with a M. 

Realizing I was receiving communication, I again put up protection around me. I received a direct message that I had nothing to worry about, she didn’t have the energy to do it again (manifest). 

I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night and decided to smudge the place as soon as I can get my sage here. That will be tonight because my husband is bringing it to me.

After some thought, I realized I might have stirred up the energy by clearing the old mobile home site debris. I plan to do more clearing today, this time with a rake to grab all the smaller stuff. I will say a prayer and smudge the area as soon as the sage is available. I have no idea if it will work as it seems the spirit is attempting to communicate with me and does not seem to be Earthbound. She may be lingering here with unfinished business but aware that she no longer has a body. This is not uncommon and I prefer communicating with this kind of “ghost” than with the ones who do not know the are dead.

In the past, spirit has been attracted to my “light”. This may simply be that. If so, typically just me asking them to go away is enough.  

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Dream Message: Go Home.

Lots of vivid dreams last night.

The first one I recall most vividly was set in India. I found myself amongst a group of tourists traveling in India. I was confused as to how I got there and remember feeling confused most of the dream. Me and a couple of women were visiting a temple. As we stood at its entrance, I decided I wanted to take a picture. I centered on the temple entrance and took a pic with my phone. Then I suggested me and the other two women get a picture of us together at the entrance. I said I could take it and pulled out my iPad. I took a picture but when I went to retrieve it, I noticed the settings had been wrong and the camera was not facing the right direction. I wanted to take another but the older women with us got huffy and impatient. She seemed very annoyed with me in general.

Our group ended up inside a large building that was open to the outside. We sat together at this meeting space waiting for everyone to get there so we could move on as a group. There were others there, none I recognized but all obviously part of our larger group. The space was somewhat noisy and reminded me of an open air market.

Next, I remember the scene shifting suddenly and I was face to face with a young Indian man. He looked very much like the dark haired man who use to visit me in dreams long ago. With him came the Kundalini. I noticed he had what looked like tiny, white circular bugs with six legs in his hair. I said something to him but he just stared towards the other side of the room. I remember thinking the man was handsome. 

I inched closer to the man to investigate the tiny bugs when I heard someone say something. When I turned towards the voice to answer the Indian man vanished and the entire open aired meeting space returned to my visual field. Everyone in the group had left and I was alone except for a couple of others who had also been left behind. We walked out of the building trying to find the rest of the group.

Again, my consciousness seemed pulled from the scene. This time I was on a boat with a woman. The water was dark blue and very rough, the boat tipping drastically from one side to the other. The woman had with her a massive turtle. The turtle was almost as large as the boat, his shell marked with beautiful gold and green patterns. She and the turtle fell overboard and, not long after, I did, too. The turtle came forward, offering its shell. I grabbed on.  

As I floated there with the massive turtle, a snake-like, metallic creature rose up out of the water. Instead of scales, it had silver, linked metal bands going up and down it’s snake-like neck. It’s head was rounded at the top with a point at the tip. It’s mouth opened, reddish eyes flashing. I was certain I was about to be eaten when I noticed a man sitting on a chair inside the open jaws of the beast. He was wearing what looked like a space suit. He, the chair and controls, were completely protected behind glass. Was it the man I saw earlier in the open aired building in India? It didn’t take me long to realize the snake was no snake but some kind of craft.  

My fear dissipated and I watched in awe as the snake head bowed and then stopped inches from me. 

This is when I heard, “Go home.” It was a whisper in my right ear and very, very audible. Before I had a chance to react, I heard again, “Go home.” The voice was raspy and masculine. As I heard it, I felt myself shift into my physical body, the dream scene with the metallic snake disappearing along with the visual of the space man.

I woke and couldn’t return to sleep. The dream felt almost like I had entered into another life but then was plucked from it as if someone was trying to get my attention. I wondered about what the voice said. Home. Which home? What did he mean?

I fell back to sleep with these questions on my mind.

I entered another dream. This time I was in a small house. I could see a sofa and full living room. My husband’s family was there. They were talking amongst themselves and I brought up my India dream. I specifically brought up the message I received – Go home. I went over all the details of the dream with them as if trying to remember everything I could about it.

I remember asking them, “What does ‘Go home’ mean to you?” My BIL said he thought of it as his family – his children and his wife. My SIL said something similar. Everyone had a slightly different definition of “home”. It seemed to me like “home” was something only the heart knew. 

The scene shifted and I was outside walking through thigh high grass. I reached my left hand out and let it graze the top of the grass as I sang the Lord’s Prayer aloud. My dream self knew this place and knew exactly where I was going. I was heading down the valley to my meditation hut.

As I got closer to where the hut was suppose to be, I noticed the hut was absent, the spot where it should be was a green patch of grass.  There was a man doing work in the area on a well located near the absent hut. I asked him where the hut was. He said it had been in horrible shape so they tore it down. I was disappointed and said, “I was going to meditate there.” The man said no one had used it for years. 

I remember looking around, noting the empty spot where the hut use to be, taking in the scene. There were tall oak trees with green, grassy meadows in between. It was very peaceful.

Vision: Caged Bird

When I woke up I was still thinking of what “home” meant. I spoke with my guides about it. They were asking me to Remember. It seemed like I was being asked to continue where I had left off. This evoked fear in me and I almost started to cry. 

I was presented with a visual. It was a bird in a cage. I said, “It can’t sing.” I heard my guide say, “Or fly.” Then the scene flashed and the visual returned but the cage was empty. I knew the bird was dead. The door to the cage was unlocked but closed. 

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Message: If you want to lessen the noise of the world, you must first lessen the noise in your mind

I had a dream last night followed by some messages.

In the dream, I was the owner of a business that appeared like two businesses in one – restaurant and medical clinic specifically. I remember the business was closing in three days. I was upset and rushing around trying to get things sorted. On the day of the closing, my SIL visited and noticed my upset. She suggested I do art with her. She showed me a new method she was using that involved using tape. The tape was stuck in horizontal lines on the canvas. She gave me a brush as she painted and invited me to paint alongside her. As I did, I felt like she was counseling me but I can’t remember now what was said. I just remember the colors and how the color I painted changed when it touched the canvas. The result was a rainbow-like painting. As I looked at the colors I began to cry. It woke me. I remember my thoughts from the dream had been about loss and not knowing what I was suppose to do now.

When I returned to sleep, I had a brief dream of carrying two very heavy weights, one in each hand. I was pulled out of my reverie by a voice asking me to “put one down”. 

Awake, I recognized the message was in letting go. In dropping the weight, I could better handle the other weight. 

I lingered in the in-between for a bit and a male guide was speaking with me. What I mostly remember is being told that if I wanted to lessen the noise of the world, I must first lessen the noise in my mind. 

As I woke, a Cranberries song was going over and over in my head, “In your head, in your head….”

My understanding of the dream and later messages was that I can fight the change, the death of my old life specifically, or I can allow it and embrace the new beginning awaiting me. The heavy weights being carried symbolize burdens I carry through life. If I release one, I can more easily carry the other one(s). My guess is that the other weight is my sister and the continued issues she is causing in the family, specifically with our mother. 

And the message about the noise of the world is a reminder that my perception of the world is directly impacted by my thoughts. 

I also woke up thinking that to completely let go of the weight will involve more than just the divorce. It feels like I should step away from my job. The thing is that I really like my job, especially the WFH aspect! I like that it doesn’t involve a lot of people and their emotions. It is just numbers and math. Yet my dream suggested that I am here to be of service to others (restaurant and medical clinic). Funny enough I just told my daughter that I’ve always felt my purpose here is “to help”. She told me I was helping her (so sweet!). She has been being very needy lately, asking to go on walks with me, telling me about her problems/day/life, etc. Her suggestion to me was to go back to teaching or counseling. Sigh.

It was difficult to wake up feeling what I did in the dream – uncertainty, trepidation. To not know what lies ahead, to feel without purpose or a calling, is tough. I told my daughter I feel much like she must be feeling right now as she is about to leave the nest and embark on a new life (adventure?). 

Also, I want to mention that I’ve had some interesting thoughts filter through into my awareness lately. Sometimes they seem like memories, other times they are conversations I am having with my guidance or council, at least that is what I think they are. I have heard myself tell them how difficult this (life) is, how difficult it is to occupy this body, etc. and heard their replies. The conversations are similar to the ones I had years ago when I was experiencing walk-in phenomena. I had pushed all thoughts of that (the walk-in) out of my mind. Yet to stumble upon these conversations in my awareness has me Remembering again and wondering about it all. Have I just been playing out the role of the walk-out all these years? Just writing this makes me feel a bit crazy. But, if I remember correctly, I think I wrote about the (this) exact process in my Walk-in Life blog…..

Update: The final hearing with the judge via zoom will happen on Jan. 3, 2025.

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In the Middle

The Second Request

Yesterday, during a self-healing session, I asked my guidance to assist me with healing core issues. I did not expect it to happen straight away, though.

Early this morning, around 3am, I awoke from a dream in which I was kissing my soon-to-be ex and had a surge of desire hit me. It woke me. Surprised, I went back to sleep. Again, I found myself kissing him with the same results. I woke up and returned to sleep a third time. The final time the dream continued and he told the kids that we were going to share a bed again. Eek!

It took me a while to return to sleep but I did.

I remember a dream where I saw two birds’ nests one on top of the other. The top nest had large, healthy babies opening their mouths for food. They were sitting among unhatched eggs. The lower nest had newly born, weak babies. I worried all the babies would freeze, saying, “Why are they having babies in the winter?” 

Then I was inside a house. It was my former best friend’s house. She and her husband were having a party. In the center of the living room I saw my friend and made a couple of dry humored jokes. She got mad and stomped away. I went to look for her, saying aloud I was joking, and found her crying. She walked past me and I saw a man pouring vodka all over the chairs in her living room. I went after her to tell her but couldn’t find her. Instead I arrived at a wave pool. Many young people were sitting around the top which seemed very high up. Below was a concrete slope empty of water with water even further out. Suddenly, a wave came up and knocked them all off the top and into the water. I could see ice in the water as it pulled them away.

Then, I overheard my SIL telling someone that my husband was going to give her money to pay for something but that she can’t let me know because we are in the midst of a divorce. I walked up to her and said, “It doesn’t matter. I heard everything.” 

The dream takes a turn here and me and my SIL have an in-depth conversation. She asked me, “Do you want help.” I thought of a certain type of counseling I could get and told her I would try it again except for the people. I said, “When you speak to them and it is a good talk they think you are now their friends but I don’t want to be their friend!” I was asked why and received many images all at once from this lifetime of times when I had been hurt by others. I realized very quickly that I purposefully didn’t have friends. I often say, “Friends are too much work” but I think the real reason is, friends are too much hurt. 

I remember her telling me, “I can help you.” I asked, “How?” She said, “Assist” and “Stat crash.” This confused me and caused me to gain lucidity.

Before I could wake fully, I realized it was a female guide, not my SIL, I was talking to.

I remember telling the female guide that I didn’t want to change my coping mechanism to protect myself from being hurt because “it is working.” I avoid close relationships with people beyond my husband and immediate family. My family hurts me enough as it is! So, it is a relief to not get hurt by a friend, but then it is sad to not have someone outside my family to talk to. In the past couple of years I have felt very, very alone because of my lack of friends.

Ah-ha moment: I realized my request for assistance had been granted. I was shown a core wound and how to repair it. Feeling overwhelmed at what I felt I was being asked to do, I said, “I can’t.” 

A male guide said, “It just takes some time….” and a song I have had on my mind for two days took over. I looked up the lyrics and when I read them I started to cry. The parts in bold emphasize where I feel the main message is.

The Middle, by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

As I cried I had images bombarding me along with what seemed like instructions on how to change, how to fix the “stat crash” I have been experiencing for the last…..two years maybe more. In that time, I’ve not felt connected spiritually. I’ve felt “punished” but I didn’t know what for. I had chosen to do nothing rather than do what I knew needed to be done. Now that I am taking action things are quickly shifting. My guides are back (they were never gone but had stepped back). The syncs are returning. My dream recall is more vivid and my dreams are more lucid. 

Messages have returned. For me, this has been what I’ve missed the most. 

Examples:

The Mug

I was shopping for mugs. I found one that said, “You’re doing great”. When I read it, I started to cry. I put it back and began to walk off but then turned around thinking, “No. I need to remember that.” I bought the mug. 

Fast forward a week or so. I am in the same store. I have been upset over some things in life and feeling quite down. My daughter is with me. She knows about the mug. A woman about my age walks towards the entrance towards us. Her sweatshirt is too small for her. It has written on it, “Don’t worry. You’re doing great.” I laughed aloud and pointed it out to my daughter. I tell her it is no coincidence. The message is clear.

The First Request

I’m at home feeling angry. My mind is full of scenarios of vengeance. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling angry. I go to the pantry to get something to eat and the thoughts are swirling. I get frustrated. I say aloud to my guidance, “I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m tired of being angry.” 

Later that day, my daughter is anxious and so am I. I tell her we need to get out of the house. I suggest a movie. She wants to see Wicked. So we see it. I have no idea what the movie is or that it is a musical. Halfway through the movie I begin to identify with the “witch”. There is a scene where she is finally seen by the group. It makes me cry. I can’t turn it off but manage to by the end. Then there is another part, a song, that causes me to cry, too – Defying Gravity. The movie ends. I go to the bathroom and cry in a stall.

On the drive home I start to talk to my daughter, trying to say something really simple about why I identified with the witch. I start crying and then sobbing uncontrollably. I have to park the car. I cry in front of her. I feel bad but she is so very good at giving me space. 

We get home and I get a phone call from my husband. I start to tell him about the day and begin to sob all over again. My eyes are swollen I’ve cried so much by this time. I just can’t keep it in. A quiet message I hear from within says, “It’s okay. Maybe you should do this more often?”

The second request is at the beginning of this post. 

I have a feeling the floodgates haven’t even opened all the way yet (picture the wave hitting from the dream). 

Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention I’m getting a divorce. It was suppose to be final on the 6th but judgement was postponed. We have yet to get a date for the hearing. Hoping it is before the end of the year.

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Message: Look at Yourself

Very vivid dream that felt to be a non-lucid OBE.

I was in what appeared to be another world. The colors were very vivid with lots of water and green. It kinda reminded me of Avatar but the land wasn’t floating Most of the storyline has faded now but I recall being very immersed in it.

What I vividly recall is that there was this tall man in the dream who I knew had been an animal or something in another lifetime. For some reason I thought, “dog”. Perhaps this is because he was a guide or protector? He had a name that I kept repeating in the dream but I couldn’t remember upon waking. I know it had an “I” in it or started with that letter. There were others there, also, all seeming to be young like in their mid-twenties or maybe even younger. This man was part of the group but stayed on the outskirts as if observing.

At some point in the dream I was taken on a journey OOB. I remember my dream body being pulled away from the main dream scene, up and into a new scene. 

I was floating above a deep, blue ocean that spread as far as I could see. In the distance I could see an island dotted with waterfalls and greenery but there was also an ethereal mist and what I can only describe as orbs or bubbles of light dotting the scene. Maybe they were distant planets? It is really hard to describe! Everything in the scene screamed “other world” and I was in awe of it all. 

I took in as much as I could but my focus was drawn to a being standing in the ocean just to my left. I could see his body from the waist up. He was a light, almost white blue in color and had on no clothing. What was really remarkable was his head and face. He reminded me of a short film I’ve seen, in fact the entire world reminded me of it somewhat. He had no hair and a very smooth, bluish-white skin (more white than blue). His face was almost human with regular eyes, small nose and small mouth. He had one arm in the air, pointing towards the island in the distance and had a smile on his face. The most distinct part of his facial features were the round, white disc-like things near his jawline. Overall his skin reminded me of a whale or maybe dolphin.

As I was staring at this being, our eyes met and I was pulled into a telepathic conversation with him. The visual of the scene shifted to what he wanted to tell/show me. In this vision, I was told that many people on Earth are very young, like pre-teens really, and are their students. I saw a visual of their young ones gathered in small groups with an older teacher at the center. The overall message seemed to be that we are all children, not near as old or ancient as we may often feel as we travel through Earth life. I distinctly recall comparing my “age” in this life as well as how I looked to what I was being shown.

With that, I felt myself leave the telepathic mind link (it was like another world itself). Then I was pulled up and, with great momentum, down beneath the dark waters. I allowed this with much anticipation and felt gleeful as I dove down into the depths, knowing I wouldn’t drown and was completely safe. 

Deep in the dark depths of the ocean, as my vision turned black, I seemed to awaken back into the dream scene where I excitedly told the group what I had experienced. Specifically, how we are all really very young in terms of “age” and experience level. I recounted as much as I could to the group, thus reinforcing the memory so I would recall it with detail when I awoke. 

This is when the mysterious man from before came up to me. Again I called him by his name, seeming to know exactly who he was. He held out a small key that was a brass colored rod of maybe two inches with only a couple of small dents along it. He handed it to me and something about the realization that I was receiving the key brought me to full awareness very quickly. As I awoke I heard a familiar message, “Look at yourself.” 

I lingered in bed a while, happy to have finally had an adventure but sad that I hadn’t gained lucidity until the very end. I heard in response to this thought that had I gained lucidity I would’ve altered the course of the experience. I said I wouldn’t have but then Knew he was correct. I most likely would have!

The message, “Look at yourself” has been a common one in the past. I am still not sure what the real meaning behind it is. My first thought is that I need to inspect myself, my actions, my intentions.

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Heart Purge Dream and Message: Citen

Major heart purge in dreamtime last night/this morning.

First short dream – Taken to crystal clear ocean and swam in the waist deep water. The water was warm and I remember saying, “I could stay here forever.” This dream indicates healing.

Heart purge dream – Me and a small group of people were taken to the house of an Asian man who we all thought of as a teacher or medicine man. He made a mixture that was full of ingredients that looked pretty gross. The final product was gray and white and of the consistency of porridge. We all ate some and it tasted mildly sweet. We were told it would cause us to go on a journey. I remember telling him I wish he had told me that before I ate any. Not long after I saw a guy in the group go to wooden box the size of a casket and try to get inside for something (artwork I think). I tried to tell him it wasn’t real but he persisted, trying to break it open. Then something caught my attention. I turned and saw woman crying for help so I went to investigate. There was a grotesque creature at her door. It was a blocky, human-like figure colored white with painted on features that reminded me of paintings I’d seen in Japan. I attacked ripping its head off and tearing it apart with my bare hands. I turned back towards the woman who was standing in the doorway. She looked up and so did I. I saw a girl floating above the house who cautiously came out from behind some trees. Recognizing she was a ghost, I told her to go to the Light. She tried but couldn’t and so came back to me for help. She was the woman’s child who had not been able to leave because of the grotesque creature I had just eliminated. As I reached for her, I freed her, but I took on all her emotion and began to cry uncontrollably as my heart exploded in pain. It woke me.

The heart decimation, all to familiar to me, lingered for some time after I woke. With it I could feel my second chakra pulling with energy as well. I was reminded of a conversation I had with my husband not long ago where I told him about my heart bliss episode. I explained how in this world of duality the heart bliss could not exist without the opposite heart pain and shared with him some of the agonizingly painful heart episodes I’d had in the past. Strangely, this heart purge, though painful, was not near as bad as the others. This gives me hope that, perhaps, the end result will be a wholeness that I have yet to experience.

Citen

As I began to drift back to sleep, I received a vivid vision. A word – citen – appeared in my mind. It floated there a while until I read it to myself and it woke me. I looked it up, certain I wouldn’t find it, and discovered it IS a word (middle English).

Citen – To summon or notify (sb.) to appear before a court or a superior; ~ bi office, summon officially.

I find this message intriguing because not only did it feel that I was being called (summoned) as in similar past spiritual incidences, but very soon my husband and I will be summoned to appear before a judge to dissolve our marriage!

Final short dream: I was driving. My son navigated. We were trying to find a location to buy groceries. He took us to a non-grocery store, though, similar to a baby’s r us. As we checked out I questioned the cost of a loaf of bread but I bought it anyway because my son said everything was 50% off. Receipt said only wedding invitations were half price.

I only recalled the dream because of of how vivid the paper I read was that said the only items that qualified for 50% off were wedding invitations. I’ve been having dreams referencing weddings lately.

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Lucid Dream: Australia

It’s been a while. I apologize for the long pause but I have not felt inclined to write lately. I am writing today only because, after longer than I can remember, I had a lucid dream. 🙂

Lucid Dream: Australia

I found myself walking along a dirt path in a rural setting. The sky was blue and dotted with white, fluffy clouds. There were stubby trees here and there, tall grasses and large rocks dotting the landscape. Somehow I knew I was in Australia and I remember thinking, “I haven’t been here in a long time.”

I remember having a conversation with someone in my mind about the government giving away land to people in order to get the area settled. They were telling me about a program to help educate newcomers to the customs and traditions of the land as well as to teach them skills so they could make a living off the land (farming, ranching, permaculture, etc.). I remember my only interest was residing there and taking in nature.

I walked down the dirt path towards a metal stake embedded in the rocky soil. Near it were some large, white rocks similar to the limestone rocks of central Texas (when I visited Aussie in real life I thought it resembled Texas). I leaned down and grabbed one of the rocks to turn it over and moved it outside of the property boundary. It was heavy and I could feel the rough surface of the rock under my fingers. There was momentary worry that I would disturb a snake or large insect that had made its home under the rock, but to my relief there was nothing underneath it. I located another rock and did the same, relocating it to the other side of the boundary.

When I was done, I noted that the area was clear of rocks and saw the corner was well defined. I turned around to walk back up the path and spotted a wooden stake, broken in half, with an orange flag on it. I went to retrieve it when I heard someone remind me that the natives didn’t like the newcomers. I assumed one must have stolen the stake and broken it, tossing it far away from the property boundary. Taking the stake in my hand, I put it next to the metal stake where it belonged.

Again, I turned to walk back up the dirt path. This is when I paused to look around and take in the scenery. It was beautiful! I thought to myself how real everything was. I had an inkling that I was dreaming so I leaned down and felt the soil of the dirt path. It was warm to the touch with a gritty texture. I picked some up, letting the particles of soil fall between my fingers while focusing on the feel it it. Yep, it felt like soil. I wondered if it would also smell like soil, so I took a handful of soil and brought it up to my nose. The smell was earthy with hints of other smells. I smiled and let the soil fall through my fingertips to the ground. Again, I looked around, noting the trees, sky and path I was walking. How amazing! Strangely, I did not continue for long in that lucid state but stood a moment in awe as realization hit me that I had a choice to stay or go. For some odd reason I chose to leave, slowly returning to my sleeping physical body.

When I woke I was surprised and pleased I had a lucid dream. It has been a long time! I wondered why Australia and then recalled that just yesterday I had been talking about my visit there. I guess a part of me wanted to return and so did. 🙂

Walk-In

Another thing that happened in the night was a brief waking almost immediately after having fallen asleep. I remember getting reminded, out of the blue, of my past and how I was a “walk-in”. I called bullshit, saying I didn’t believe in that but was asked to Remember, meaning to feel within myself what was truth. After a pause, I acknowledged my past experiences were real. However, I still felt that all of it seems very unreal in my present state.

I am certain this short reminder came as a result of something I had told someone about my past and how I am going through a major stage of disillusionment. When I think of my all my past spiritual experiences they feel to have all been for nothing; pointless.

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Heal the Land and it Will Heal You

What a long weekend! This was the second weekend we’ve been at the new property working to clean, clear and prepare the land and home.

Friday and Saturday was junk removal. When they arrived they cleared the mobile home very quickly. It was almost an entire trailer load! They returned the next day and got another two loads from there. There is more, still, but progress is being made. Below is an image of just one of the loads of junk that was removed.

We met the neighbors (my husband had introduced himself when we first saw the land) and they offered to help. They are very nice. The wife is close to my age, the husband is 63 and already retired. They also have a pond and have really created a wonderful space. They have several cabins dotting the area with a pavilion, kitchen/bathroom area and stage for live bands. They use it once a year for a family reunion. I got a tour and it was impressive, exactly what my mom wants her property to be but sadly probably will never create. 

The husband is quite handy and built his own home. He owns a backhoe (or something close, I am not familiar with the name) and said he would be open to using it to help us. He and his wife even came over with their two riding lawnmowers and mowed a good portion of our land. The husband, Randy, mowed paths all over our property – to the pond, the the other buildings, along the fence and road. They also have a stocked pond and said our boys could fish and swim anytime. Since our pond is still not giving any fish (they are there but not biting I’m sure) I took the boys there and, after some coaxing since they are impatient, got them catching fish. Both are now super exciting about fishing and want to go back as soon as they can to fish some more. lol Both of my boys caught more fish than me and bigger ones even! There are bass, crappie, catfish and bluegill in abundance. They stock it and feed their fish often. They let us take some of the fish we caught to put into our pond. We are going to stock ours some point because we/they think our otters are eating up our fish.

The beehives are on the property now, too. We have eight and the beekeeper was very nice and navigated to our land without issue. I haven’t seen the hives yet because he asked us to not go around them that day because they tend to be grumpy after being moved. I will look at them next weekend and take pics. The beekeeper did say the hives will not be there to make honey. He uses them exclusively to help landowners get ag exemption. He said he may give us some of his other honey but he had a rough season last year and took losses. We are fine with whatever. He is a very nice and knowledgeable man. 

Anyway, the inside of the mobile home is completely cleaned out except for the stuff we opted to keep (construction supplies). It makes such a difference in the energy! My husband spent the entire first day fixing the water. First he fixed the intake from the pond. The previous owner told us the beavers have chewed off the floats in the past and so my husband swam out and, sure enough, no floats. The water was being sucked off the bottom of the pond which made it stink really bad. Once he fixed it the water was perfect! It was deceptive enough to cause us to almost accidentally drink it – oops! When the water was turned on to the home he discovered several leaks under that he fixed. I think there was 5 with one he has yet to fix because he thinks he might just need to do a full re-plumb of the whole home. He also got the hot water heater going. So we have running hot and cold water now that doesn’t smell like death! I am so, so thankful to my husband. The second bathroom is completely disconnected though. Also, while he was under the home he encountered a dead raccoon. It was freshly dead and huge! He and the boys buried it.

Friday night we stayed the night (with hot/cold, fresh water) and I, of course, was not tired. I was too excited about all the happenings of the day. When I did fall asleep I had an intense dream.

Dream: Mother Gaia

In the dream I was inside a bathroom with a heavy set woman. She asked for my help. She needed me to wipe her bum. She couldn’t reach it. I agreed, happy to help. When I wiped she winced. The poo had been there a while and she had “diaper rash”. I got her cleaned up and she was thankful. She then presented me with two DVDs or CDs saying they would help me. One was about Angels. I took it and told her thank you and hugged her. When I hugged her I could feel her voluptuousness wrap around me comfortingly. It felt like squishy blankets of love. I began to sob and sob, falling into her warm, squishy skin folds. The crying woke me and I continued to cry. 

My guidance was there and I understood why I was crying. I am still recovering from so much loss. However, I knew this mobile home experience – clearing and fixing it up – was a physical representation of my healing process. I was reminded of many, many dreams I’ve had in the past of being in mobile homes with unsteady foundations (like this one) and full of junk. All pointing to me feeling unsafe and needing to de-clutter emotionally and spiritually. When I woke I told my husband, saying I think the entire process of clearing the home and land is helping me clear my own “junk” and that repurposing the home will also be therapeutic in that it will guide me through my own rebuilding process. He agreed saying he felt similarly. 

The heavy set woman may have represented Gaia and her message was, “Heal the land and it will heal you.” Such love!

I was also told when I woke that “tomorrow” would be “magical”. I think it might be the day before the eclipse because I immediately thought of the Sunday before eclipse. How it will be magical, IDK. I did have a good day that morning, however, in that me and my boys had such a great fishing experience. Our neighbor, Sam (the wife), also seemed very interested in being around me. Her energy wasn’t needly or exhausting and we talked a while. When I told her about the land I almost started to cry and she understood because of her love for her land and her life. She says, “It’s heaven out here”. I told her I could tell before I even met her she was a very happy person. I heard her singing early in the morning as she gardened. When I was near her (she didn’t know I was there) I could sense she was genuine and good. 

I also sense my husband is falling in love with the land. His connection with the neighbor, Randy, also shows promise. He is all about connecting with people and he and Randy get along really well. I could sense that my husband might actually end up wanting to live out there some day. This caused me to cry a little thinking how the land might help him, too. He needs it,

So, overall a great weekend!

Here are some recent photos of the property. The snake is a plain bellied water snake. He was living under the boat alongside a field mouse. Ha! The big tree is an ancient Elm. Isn’t it magnificent?

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Dream: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I had a string of interesting dreams last night. But first, I want to share a vision I keep having. I’ve seen it both in dreams and upon waking. In the first one, a dream, I saw myself with blue painted fingernails and wearing blue clothing. I inspected my fingernails, noting the strange blue tinge and trying to figure out why they were blue. In the visions I’ve had, the last of which was last night, I saw myself with blue skin. 

At first, I thought it must be indicating a chakra, maybe the throat chakra, but this blue was not that color blue. Instead, it was lighter and seemed almost to glow.

My next thought was it was exactly the same color of the blue Hindu gods and goddesses. I did look up why the gods and goddesses of Hinduism are blue. Mostly the blue coloring is for Vishnu, meant to depict the color of rain clouds, so more of a steel gray, but sometimes it is brighter blue, like the color I have been seeing in my visions. Blue is the color of the sky and sea, one reflects the other and neither actually has any color at all. Thus, blue is the color of infinity. Hindu Scriptures declare the Ultimate reality to be inconceivable and inexpressible, beyond the grasp of the 5 senses. The only way to express the vastness (Brahman) which is Being, Consciousness and Bliss, is through the color blue.

So, in my vision, I seemed to become a blue goddess. Perhaps Kali?

Dream #1: Running from My Shadow

This dream was unexpected. I very rarely feel fear in my dreams now days but I definitely felt it coming on in this dream. I don’t recall many details now because it was so early in the night (woke at 11pm). What I most remember is that I was avoiding this negative entity that seemed like a giant shadow. It was trying to envelope me and I was resisting. There were many voices at the time, some my own, some my guides and some from this Shadow. The voices of the Shadow were recognizable and familiar. In fact, I’ve memory of chasing it away in my early twenties and calling it a “gin”. Towards the end of the dream I was putting up protection and pushing the negative voices out of my mind. I could sense a shield around my mind and, as I woke, my vision was filled with spheres of all colors floating and undulating as if alive (hypnagogia), indicative of entry into the OBE state. 

Dream #2: Classroom in my Bedroom

I returned to sleep and the next thing I recall is having students sitting all around me in my bedroom. I was still in bed, blanket up around me snugly, but didn’t seem to think it odd that my room was full of students. It was an English class and the teacher, standing near my door, told us that we had to do a research paper. She gave us two topics to choose from and left. Everyone paired up and began discussing their assignment. I sat up in bed, looking at them sitting on my floor and leaning up against my walls and window, and protested loudly about the assignment. I said that I didn’t think it was a good one. What teacher limits her students to only two topics? Why not allow us to explore topics we are most interested in? I then told them I was going to drop out of the class. I didn’t need it. I already had a masters and bachelor’s degree and was just taking the class out of boredom. A male student said he was, too. I asked him if he had a degree and he said no. I told him not to bother, telling him all the jobs I used my degrees for were miserable for me. Only when I decided to follow a different path did I find a very unexpected job that made me happy. He asked what it was and I said, “Accounting.” The entire class was listening attentively at this point and it seemed I might have helped some decide that college was not the right path for them. 

Dream #3: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I didn’t categorize this as a Kundalini dream but it most definitely had elements of Kundalini energy. 

My husband and I parked in an unfamiliar driveway. I was driving but didn’t know how I got there. I immediately got out, finding myself under a large, open, red umbrella. I was wearing my pajamas – a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt – and was barefoot. Still confused, I looked up to a tree and saw a sweatshirt (protection) hanging on it. I pulled it down but then threw it back up not wanting to take something that wasn’t mine. Then my husband drove away and left me there. Not sure what to do, I panicked a bit. I had no phone or any way of contacting help. I felt lost. So, I wandered down the road looking for familiar sign posts. Nothing. 

Then I saw a big truck stop in the middle of the road. It opened its doors and out came hundreds of cats (feminine energy, sexuality). I stopped short and said, “Feral cats.” People were coming up and picking up the cats, though, leading me to believe they were not feral. I wandered closer, observing, and saw the cats were friendly. Still, I kept my distance.

As I turned to leave I saw a little boy crying. He was afraid of the cats. I comforted him and turned him towards the cats, telling him it was safe. I got an adult to assist and left the cats behind.

Then I was at a party. It was full of people I didn’t know, some speaking a language I didn’t recognize. I sat down and waited, still not knowing where I was. Then I noticed a man staring at me. With his stare came a strong, magnetic energy, one I was familiar with. I turned away, feeling immediately nervous, and then moved across the room to avoid him. In my hurry I bumped into my husband who had seen me avoiding the man. He laughed and told me, “He wants to take you into the bedroom.” I didn’t respond and found a corner to hide in.

Eventually the man found me. He came up to me, face to face, and put his left hand on my right shoulder. Our eyes locked and I froze. The energy was super intense and magnetic. It terrified me. The man wanted me to come with him. His energy beckoned me and I knew I would not be able to resist for long. This is when a woman said something to the man. I think she was his wife. He lingered and the woman asked me, “Are you married?” I nodded yes. She told the man to leave me be. He listened and left. I watched the woman for a bit. She was with another woman and a child of around 3 climbed into her lap. I finally went up to her and asked her about the man. Though I don’t recall our conversation, I recognized that she was his wife and they had an arrangement that allowed them to be with other partners.

Then there was a commotion and everyone rushed outside to the driveway. It was really crowded and the sky was a weird shade of reds and oranges. I looked up. Realizing it was the eclipse I averted my eyes. I saw the woman from earlier and went up to her. I could see the eclipse shadow on the concrete. It was nearly complete, a blackness surrounded by a rim of fire. The woman turned to me and we embraced and I sobbed and sobbed as she held me in her arms. The entire time the crazy energy of the eclipse was all around me.

Then there was a hush and I turned and looked up. The sun was mottled red like it was going to explode. 

Seeing the sun like this woke me. Tears were still in my eyes and a chorus from a song was going through my head: “Black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain…..”.

Discussion with Guides

After I woke, I couldn’t return to sleep. The energy from the encounter in the dream along with the emotional release at the end was hard to ignore. 

My guidance was close, asking me about how I felt in certain parts of the dream. Specifically, the part where my eyes locked with the strange man. I told them it terrified me. When asked why, it was hard to explain. I think it comes down to total loss of control and not knowing what will happen if that happens. Yet everything in me yearns to follow the feeling and let go completely, to hell with the unknowns that follow. That part of me, the part that yearns, terrifies me. 

When asked about how I felt when I was crying, I recalled a time in this life when I chose not to follow that yearning, choosing instead to complete a cycle/karmic contract. The feeling is beyond description. I recognized the feeling in the dream was the same – solid, unchangeable and full of regret. 

Then there was the visual of the sun there at the end. It felt like a warning, or at the very least a message. Memory of OBEs I had years ago came to mind. In those OBE’s I would see the sun and the moon coming closer and closer together but they never quite touched. If they had, there would have been an eclipse that looked like what I imagine a “black hole sun” would look like. Those OBEs were indicative of Union, or the merging of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, hieros gamos. 

I can’t help but connect the vision of seeing myself as a blue goddess with this last dream. Kali is the goddess of time, doomsday and death. She is worshipped as the Divine Mother and seen as a divine protector who brings liberation. During the discussion with my guidance about my feelings related to that intense, magnetic yearning of which I am terrified, it was relayed to me that “perhaps what lies on the other side is….liberation”.