Tag Archives: spirituality

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OBE and Council of 12

Very busy night of dreams. It felt like I was partially awake the entire night, talking to someone. As a result, I do not feel very rested. 

Lucid to OBE

I remember being partially lucid in a dream with my husband and our daughter. We were on the road near my Mom’s home. I remember meeting my daughter on the road and it being sectioned off and overlaid with a room with translucent walls. My husband had followed me and was attempting to get me to dance with him and was acting openly sexual, touching me and saying things only I should hear. I was concerned that our daughter was close by and would see and hear us, so I kept avoiding his advances, walking away as soon as he got close enough to touch me. I remember feeling the intensity of his sexual desire and that near frantic flow that often comes from him when I refuse him. The obsessive push from him was not attractive and so I pulled away (push-pull) and turned toward the back of the “house”, looking out a window.

This is when I realized I was asleep and immediately took control and jumped out the window, flying up into the air. That familiar pull grabbed hold of me and I accelerated upward with great speed. Knowing I was going up into space and remembering my decision to not resist It after my last OBE, I surrendered and told It, “Take me to my mom’s house. I want to go to Mom’s house.” I focused on where I hoped to end up as I closed my eyes and entered the void.

Slowing down, I was suddenly dropped in front of Mom’s house but much farther away than I intended. My vision turned on vividly and I told It, “Not this far away from her house.” lol 

I flew toward the house, noticing the details of it and my surroundings. I compared the house to the real one, noting the brick color matched but the front entry was not the same. The front porch became like another room itself. It was enclosed and of a light green color. The front door was a bright, velvety red color and very distinct and inviting. 

When I went inside the house was not at all like the one in real life. It was long and rectangular shaped, like a mobile home. The floors were covered in tiny, square, aqua-blue tiles and the walls were a vibrant white. My mom was sitting on a sofa to my left and smiled when she saw me. I marveled at the changes I observed in the home’s appearance as I walked around and took it all in. The odd part was that it was not filled with furniture but with vending machines, some antiques. It appeared they were on display, though they were functional and could be used. 

I continued to explore and recognized the layout was different, too. On my right was the master bedroom and at the other end of the house was another bedroom. I asked, “What about the third bedroom?” but heard no answer. 

I entered the second bedroom and it was very large, with two twin beds with pink covers. The room was messy and very lived in and I immediately thought it was my daughter’s. I mentioned how three people could occupy the room based upon its size. 

I begin to lose lucidity in this part of the dream, caught up in the exploration of this mobile home. I saw a section in the bedroom that looked to be the inside of a factory. It had steam pipes coming out of the floor. It was still a brilliant white, though. I asked about it and was told the third bedroom lay just beyond. I wanted to go investigate but was asked to look at the walk-in closet. 

Inside the closet was very large and also rectangular, extending so far back it could easily be used as a bedroom. I mentioned this to whoever I was talking to (male energy). At the far back of the closet was a door going outside and I could see a fully erect tent big enough for six people set up. As I exited the closet I was thinking the closet must be the third bedroom but the male energy said the lights and a/c were controlled by a switch on the outside. 

On my way out of the large mobile home I was told the third bedroom was in a new, upgraded model and asked if I was interested in purchasing it. I said I would be as I went to explore this third bedroom. When I went inside I don’t remember seeing a bedroom. All I saw was a brilliant white and then my memory stops.

Discussion

When I woke around 4am I remembered that I had been OBE. There was also a feeling of being among a group. The energy was different and I could feel my own energy body responding, specifically around my solar plexus and along my spine. 

Acknowledging those around me, I asked, “Who are you?” I heard back, “We are the 12.” I thought back, “My council?” and felt this was an accurate description. They replied that they were there to assist.

They spoke as One and said, “We want to ask you some questions.” I agree to this and waited. I heard, “Are you ready?” I said, “Is that one of the questions?” They did not answer so I figured it must be. I took a while to answer because I wasn’t sure what they were asking. Ready for what? I felt two answers. One from my human self and one from my High Self. So I said, “Yes and no. One part is (HS) and the other isn’t sure (human self).” 

Then They asked, “What do you want?” My answer to this was, “Freedom.” They didn’t respond and I felt they wanted me to clarify. I shared what freedom meant to me – freedom from this world and physical prison, freedom from expectation. I imagined flying with no limits on what I could do.

They prompted me to focus on this lifetime. If I couldn’t leave this life (which they said is not possible yet), then what did I want? 

At this point I fell back to sleep and entered another dream. 

Dream

I am in a city, somewhere downtown where people go to socialize. I remember sitting at a table with some “friends”, all spiritually minded and similar to myself. I didn’t recognize any of them but we were talking about our individual paths and I remember telling the group, “Anything I start right now will be successful.” What is interesting here is that while I said this I also heard someone telling me this. I heard, “Anything you do right now will be successful” but along with it I heard, “What would you like to do?”

I remember some ideas came to me. I shared them with the group. One was a website which I saw in detail. I don’t know what the website was for, though, it just felt very sophisticated and well planned. I spent quite a bit of time mulling this over with the group. 

Then I remember hearing, “There is only a very narrow window of time.” It felt like I was getting shown my “chart”. It reminded me of astrology, as if the stars were providing me with an opening but this opening would not last very long so I needed to decided what I wanted before this period ended.

Then I was imagining a store – my own business – and this appealed to me. Again, I don’t know what kind of store it was but the part that appealed to me was that I did not have direct involvement in the store’s day-to-day operation. A manager did it for me and I was merely the owner and mostly observed and made general decisions. The feeling from it was pride at my accomplishment and the fact that it provided me the freedom to do whatever I liked. 

Though I felt encouraged to create something new, I had no motivation to do so and told the group, “I like my life as it is.”

This is when an old friend of mine entered. By this time I was sitting alone at a table. She sat across from me. When I saw her she appeared to be a mixture of people I have known in this life, all very close friends of mine. It felt like I hadn’t seen her in a long time. Her energy was very high and I knew she was someone who had no roots. She floated from here to there, never staying in one place very long. She was also into drugs and I knew she was likely intoxicated in that moment. 

I pulled a small, glass container from my pocket. It looked like an essential oils bottle, only about 1oz capacity. I opened the bottled and held it over my tongue. I felt several drops land on my tongue. My friend asked for the bottle. I handed it to her and she took some, too, only much more than was normal. Half the bottle went into her mouth. I mentioned it was a bit too much and she was not concerned. She laughed and jumped up, flitting away like a little bird.

Realizing I had just ingested some kind of drug, I decided it best that I leave before the drug began to take effect. I got up and noticed I was outside in an unfamiliar city. I suddenly had no idea where I was and the parking lot where I thought I had left my car was not there. So I wandered around the streets looking for something familiar, worried and confused.

Eventually, I wandered into an office building of some kind. The dream becomes hazy here but I remember standing at a counter that had a large printer on it. A man was behind the counter. I held up two empty food containers and asked, “Can you recycle this for me?” He seemed not to hear me and walked out a side door to my side of the counter. That is when I saw the door and said, “Oh! I didn’t realize the door was right there.”  

Continued Discussion

When I woke I continued to feel the same feeling as before. It is hard to describe, like a group is gathered close but there is also a pull felt, as if I am being Called, but it is faint. 

A song was going through my head, which I am not sure has any significance. I kept hearing, “Just like the white winged dove….” 

They asked me again what I wanted in regards to this life. The feeling, that Call, was there and so I said that if I had to stay that I wanted to answer that Call. It is magnetic. It Calls out from within me this intense need or desire for…..something. I can’t explain it and I think it has always been there. I don’t know what it wants from me. I just feel it and want nothing more than to surrender to it. 

I was reminded of the friend in my dream. The friend who floated about, unchained and free, intoxicated with Life. They suggested my desire was to be like her, that she IS me. I felt this as true but, I don’t know how to be her. 

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6 of Cups…6 of Hearts?

Today it is beautiful in Texas. Sunny, 65 degrees, with a light breeze. The energy was expansive. Yes. Expansive. That’s how it feels to me, anyway.

Some pictures of my walk to give you an idea of what “expansive” feels like. 🙂

I wish I had taken more pics today but I was too busy feeling it all. I sat by the creek for a bit, listening, breathing and feeling. It was nice and there weren’t very many people out, not that it would’ve mattered.

I ended up walking for over an hour. 4 miles in all! Ha!

Messages

Okay, so now for the interesting part of my walk. I wrote a while back about finding items on my walks, items I seemed to actually manifest with my thoughts. I found a tube of unopened Chapstick first, then some Apple earbuds (also new) and finally two, twenty dollar bills (yep!). Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything physical I wanted to manifest so I asked the Universe to show me what I needed to know. One of the first things I came across was a playing card in the grass. 6 of Hearts.

On December 18th I wrote this on Facebook (not sure why I didn’t post it here)”:

Remember when I kept finding things on my walks? I didn’t stop attempting to manifest stuff, I just lost interest in material things. I actually asked to be given or shown what was needed. Usually I don’t find any items but that very day I saw a playing card on the side of the road – the 6 of Hearts. I have walked past it every day, taking note of it, but never really looking any deeper into the meaning. Today I saw it again, didn’t pick it up and forgot about it until just now.

Here is the meaning:

It represents the masculine.
It can be an unmarried male romantic partner, family member or friend, always loved by the sitter.
It is often considered the Soulmate card – past lives/karmic.
It can represent communion, knowledge, study and learning.

That was over a month ago and nearly forgotten, until today.

Within the first half-mile of my walk, I saw another card, this time face down, laying in a pile of leaves and rubble that had built up on the bridge I was walking over. At first I walked past it. I was singing along to a song and just feeling really joyful, playful and happy. I was contemplating dancing as I walked, but didn’t because it was a busy road. But despite continuing on I felt an urge to turn back and pick it up. I had to.

Never would I have believed it to be what it was.

That ain’t no playing card!! That’s a tarot card! WTF!?

I can’t remember now if it was right side up or not. I don’t think it even matters. When I saw it I thought, “6 of…..cups?” I mean, those are odd looking cups but then what else could they be?

I tucked the card in my pocket and went on my merry way.

When I got a bit further on my walk I encountered a single, black crow on the path in front of me. I stopped. It stopped. We stared at each other for a bit. I grabbed my phone, fumbled around trying to get it into camera mode, and as I began to aim to take a pic it flew up in the air, cawing at me and joined another crow off to my left.

I continued to my walk, taking note of the crow but not really knowing what to think.

When I got home I pulled the card out of my pocket and examined it. Yep. A tarot card. Definitely NOT a coincidence that I found it.

6 of Cups Message

First off, the 6 of Cups has the same meaning as the 6 of Hearts. I only discovered this after a Google search. I don’t know much about traditional tarot decks (i.e. Rider-Waite) so bear with me. I read tarot using my intuition and rarely read the book descriptions. Unfortunately, looking at the image on the card I found does nothing for my intuition. I thought the cups were crowns, though, so maybe a good sign? lol

Since I wasn’t asking a question and just randomly found the card on my walk, many explanations for the card meaning don’t apply. So, the standard, one card meaning would be something like this:

The Six of Cups in the upright position is a card of pleasures. This card tells about good times and generally remind us of good times, but it could tell about happy times that are just around the corner, those that will turn into amazing new memories.

It is the card of indulgence, periods without any serious problems and reasons to worry.

As this is the card related to ancestry, it could be a sign of a great family gathering, about getting in touch with relatives you haven’t heard from for ages or, even, meeting distant relatives you did not know you have.

For those more inclined towards the psychic, this card could be a sign from the ancestors or make one pay attention to the signs along the road, for those might be messages from ancestors.

Source

What I found is that everyone has a slightly different explanation of the card. Some call it the “soulmate” card. Others the “pleasures” card.

What I am wondering is, why am I seeing this card again? If it is indeed the same as the 6 of Hearts, that is, and that is what I am finding.

Alternative Names:  Six of Cups, Six of Hearts     

All Tarot decks call this suit “Cups.”

The Thoth Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Pleasure.” 

The Voyager Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Sorrow.”      

In a deck of regular playing cards this suit is called “Hearts”

Source

Then there is the crow. They are not very common around here and mostly they are in the trees making lots of noise, not sitting alone on the path I am walking. Most definitely not something to disregard.

The Crow (no, not the movie! lol)

It is not a bad omen like most might assume. It can be considered the “trickster” though, meaning it can shape shift and take on any form it chooses in order to pass on its message. And messages are its specialty. When a crow crosses your path it is there to pass on a message. Most of the time that message is something previously known or received by the recipient. It is a sign to the recipient saying, “You know what to do.” Of course, part of the mystery of the crow is in the message because in order to understand it, you must first Know yourself!

Key words:

Creative Force

Transformation

Alchemy

Quick-Wittedness

Daring

Ethics

Honor

Overcoming Fear

Ancestral Magic

Mischief

Working with the “Shadow Self”

Source

So, if I am understanding Crow’s message right, it is to remind me of the tarot card message. AND being I am seeing this card for the second time now, I must not be truly grokking its meaning! Ugh!

What did I miss? Or… is something still in process where I thought conclusion had occurred?

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The Kundalini: Questions

More crazy dreams. I have no clue why, for most of 2020, my dreams and recall have been so funky, but this year has been odd all around. It is like a wave of strange and mysterious poured into the Collective Consciousness and has been slowly replicating, like a virus (ha!). As each “cell” of the Collective Be-ing is overtaken by this force, the “new” replicates” and overtakes more “cells”. We are now infected with the “new” and, as each “cell” is changed, the entire system is “shocked”. Electric shock therapy comes to mind for some reason. Perhaps it has the same result as ECT, perhaps not. I think it has to do with the the individual and how ready they are to accept this change. If not ready, then what? I shudder to consider the possibilities of this.

But I digress…..my main reason for this post was to ponder my dreams and what was on my mind as I awoke.

Dream: Leaving the Movie Theater

I went to a movie (experience one is focused on) with my mom and early on decided to leave the theater. I went to a restaurant (seeking spiritual nourishment) and sat at a table with two men and a woman. What was odd is that I sat there telling them what to look for in a bad relationship. I specifically targeted one of the men who would say and do things to try and control his girlfriend. They were to be married and I was trying to help them avoid a difficult path. It was very obvious that the relationship was not a good one but no one there seemed to see that.

I left to return to the movie. I found my ticket stub and approached the ticket counter but my foot hit the low counter. I saw the ticket person was in a wheelchair (dependency on others). I apologized for kicking the counter, blaming my high heels (sexual expression). The woman took my ticket and I asked if the movie was still playing. She told me the movie playing was “Halloween” and not the one I had been watching with my mom. She motioned to the theater to her right so I went in that direction but found no entrance. So I stood and waited for my Mom to emerge, checking the time and being confused. It was during this time that my root chakra activated, buzzing extremely strongly and woke me up.

I fell back into the in-between where I had a conversation with my guidance. I remember specifically trying to manifest someone in the bed with me, imagining how it might feel to have a partner who was like me and who I could merge the physical and spiritual with. I wondered if it was possible? And if so, would I survive it? Was I even capable? I did get an answer – Yes. I fell asleep not long after.

Dream: To the Bank…um Grocery Store

Most of this dream occurred in the dark (the unknown, unseen). The first part I recall is discussing purchasing food. I was with a younger woman sitting at a computer (communication, information). She kept suggesting we visit this particular website I had never heard of, some kind of social media site. I finally asked her what age group generally visited the website. She said, “Twenty-somethings.” I said, “Well I’m 44 so that website isn’t for me.” Ultimately I ordered four items. I think it was fish or chicken, or both, but I can’t remember except that I saw a visual of meat.

Then I was talking to my son who was upset because no one noticed his new haircut (loss, defeat, lack of progress). I told him I would fix it and upon looking saw that he had a buzzcut but had long, shoulder-length hair hanging around the edges. I took scissors and trimmed it but he ended up looking like he had a bowl cut in the front. lol

Next, I was with my husband traveling in a car (life path) in the dark. I had four checks in my hands that were written to pay for the food I purchased. We arrived at the bank (resources) when it was still closed. They let us in and we waited in the lobby as the employees prepared to open. I remember browsing through essential oils and picked up one called “Pleasure”, put some on and decided to buy it. I remember sending my husband to buy the oil blend but then he left the bottle behind. I didn’t go get it since I has already put some oil on me.

When we finally paid for the food I remember noticing that three of the meats were white colored but the last was red like salmon. I was told the red meat was in fact Flamingo (maturity, security) meat. lol It was specifically for my husband.

As I was leaving the bank I came to the double glass doors where I saw a gentleman assisting an elderly woman with her grocery cart. I held the door for him as he was coming in and he looked me in the eyes and said, “Thank you.” The man walked back outside with me, though, and I said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going out.” He smiled at me and said, “It is great to see you again.” I said, “Oh? I hardly ever come here.” He said, “Well, you come here more than she does (the woman he was helping).” The man was walking backwards as he said this so he could look me in the eyes. He was quite handsome with black hair and pale skin. His eyes were also dark and when he smiled I swear his Light chased away the darkness of the night.

Then our paths diverged but as I walked out in the parking lot looking for the car I kept running into him. I mentioned this and he would just laugh and remind me that he saw me often.

Eventually, I came to some parked cars but I couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black outside. I scooted between the front bumpers of two cars and ran into a dog (protection, guidance) on a leash (restraint). The dog jumped up on me and startled me. I looked down and saw a beautiful Golden Retriever (retrieve, gain control). It licked me and whined and I remember petting it.

At this moment a message was sent to me. It materialized in my mind. I heard a woman’s voice as I read the letter. It said that her four horses (wild, free nature, sexuality) had gotten out and she was worried because her two dogs were not with them. She said, “I know they could find their way home if the dogs were with them, but without the dogs I fear they will be lost.” I saw two beautiful Irish Setters and remember thinking, “Those are not herding dogs…” and thought they would likely kill the horses.

When I woke up a song verse was repeating in my head, but only part of it, “I hope you know, I hope you know….”

The Kundalini: Questions

After I woke, I remember talking with my guidance, asking them questions. I was thinking of all the times the K has risen. It seems that it is either while I am sleeping (this is most frequent) or it is initiated by another K-active person, masculine specifically. When I am asleep I encounter other worldly Beings – non-human entities as some call them – OR one of my guides initiates the K. Sometimes my guides and the non-human entities are one and the same.

I wanted to know, “Can I initiate the K on my own? Or do I need someone/something else to initiate it for me? Why was I told to ‘let him initiate’ when specifically in contact with K-active masculines (has only happened two times)? Is this because, as a woman, I am suppose to be passive? Will it always be that someone/something else has to initiate the K in me? Or can I do it myself?”

I was very much missing the K energy and attempted to get it to rise without success. I can get the energy to swirl and expand, but not from the root upward. When I focus, breathe and relax/surrender, the K will originate in my middle back and then expand in a circular fashion outward until it is bigger than my physical body. Then I can sit in this bliss for a while but it doesn’t go any further than that.

My experiences of being “initiated” are much different. The energy will move either from root to crown or from other areas down and up at the same time (usually my head/neck or heart). The energy is very electric and orgasmic, extremely intense and pleasurable, and when it reaches my crown I feel transported elsewhere where I become One with everything. When in this state of Oneness I sometimes sense another in my body with me, or at least that is what it feels like. It seems that there is another energy occupying the same space as me. The other energy has looked through my eyes but often it just sits there with me. I am not uncomfortable with it. Instead it feels natural, as if this other energy is part of me and always has been.

As I conversed with my guidance, the song kept going through my head, especially when I asked “Why?”

“I hope you know, I hope you know….this has nothing to do with you. It’s personal, I hope you know….”

So, maybe, my experiences with the K are unique; my own? Maybe I experience it as I do because it is what I need and how the K works for me? It is hard to know for sure without others’ experiences to compare it to.

What is interesting is that when I went online one of the first things I read was a post on FB by a K-active female friend. She described a K experience she had that was very similar to one of my own. It seemed not only to be a sync but also a response to my questioning – I am not alone nor are my experiences unlike other women’s, at least this friend’s experiences are similar.

I would like to hear from other females who are K-active. Do you find you have to be “initiated” for the K to rise? Or can you initiate it yourself while not in a dream or with a male energy around you?

The bliss episodes I experience are pleasant but the rising experiences are few and far between. I long to experience that Oneness more frequently. If I could be there all the time, I would. The erotic, pleasurable experiences are great, too, but I long to be One with All, to feel that expansiveness and everything that goes with it.

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Five Dead Beetles

Quick update on my sister for those interested.

She is still in the hospital. At first she was waiting for the hospital to find a home service to come administer her daily intravenous antibiotics. This obviously didn’t pan out, probably because my Mom’s home is in the country (distance) and home health services are limited due to increasing Covid-19 infection rates (fear, lack of staff).

My husband went to visit her and returned home with some unfortunate news. When he asked my sister about her Meth abuse and how it had put her in the hospital and destroyed her heart valve, she claimed the Meth was not the reason her valve failed. Instead she explained how Meth was helping her – giving her inspiration and motivation to complete projects. She also pointed out how she had been using for six years without any complications and her valve had withstood the test of time, even outliving its original ten year expiration date.

Upon hearing this I was very disappointed. I asked my husband if he pointed out how Meth had rotted her teeth, leading to the sepsis that ultimately pushed her body to its limits. He said he had and she said she only had tooth decay because, “Meth makes you forget to brush your teeth.”

My husband pointed out the obvious – my sister has no intention of quitting once she has the surgery.

When I spoke to my Mom about I said to her, “I wish she would just decide whether she wants to live or die. It feels like she keeps changing her mind.” My Mom replied with, “That’s interesting because that is exactly what the surgical team said – she needs to decide whether she wants to live or die.”

The same day this news came to light I had other family issues arise and again began to lose my voice. 😦

My Mom also told me that my sister said the surgical team is planning on doing her surgery on the 15th. This makes no sense since the last major news was that it would take 45 days for the insurance to be transferred to the correct region. Perhaps she has it wrong and the surgery is scheduled for August 15? That would make more sense.

In the meanwhile, my sister wants out of the hospital. She is feeling good and so thinks there is no need for her to be there even though the doctors warned her that though she feels good her heart is near failure and she needs to “take it easy”. It would not surprise me if she checks herself out against medical advice like she did last time. Sigh.

Dreams and Messages

Thankfully I’ve been sleeping pretty well through all this drama. The dreams I have are mixed with memory of them fading quickly upon waking.

I’ve had several dreams where I am working as a counselor again. The dreams usually result in a confusion of my dream self. I wonder, “Why am I here? I already had a job?” The most recent dream resulted in me feeling like taking a counseling job would betray my current coworkers and so I was quite split about the decision.

It makes me wonder if I am considering returning to counseling on some level….

Recently I awoke speaking to someone in Spirit. My heart chakra was warm and active. It was a wonderful feeling, one I haven’t felt in a long while.

Another morning I woke up from a dream about food. I asked, “Why do I keep having dreams about food?” My guides replied with, “What do you nourish yourself with?”

This is a good question to ask ones self, especially if one is unhappy or feeling negative or rollercoastering.

I concluded that my mental nourishment needed adjustment and that I should focus on increasing my spiritual nourishment.

My self-talk has always been an issue because I tend toward self-criticism and self-judgment. Perfectionism at its best. It is easy to see only what is wrong and be blind to one’s blessings. So I have been working on focusing on my blessings but it is difficult with all the family drama and high triggering effect it has.

I’ve also become lax in my spiritual practices. Meditation isn’t happening much these days nor am I paying much attention to the signs and syncs the Universe sends.

As soon as I decided to pay attention, the signs started coming.

Beetle Symbolism

A few days ago, while at my Mom’s, I found five dead beetles. These were no ordinary beetles, though. In fact, I’ve never seen such large beetles in Texas before and I’ve lived here for most of my life. They are about two inches and some have horns on them. In fact, they look similar to a rhinoceros beetle.

The beetles I found. They are known as Ox Beetles, part of the scarab family of beetles.

I was fascinated with the beetles and took several pictures after examining them all and noting their differences. The two males have horns. Each male was found next to one female and another female was found alone. You can see one of the females has her wings out. She is also missing her abdomen. The other four are perfectly intact down to their antennae.

Previous to this beetle discovery I had found a lone female (on June 6th). I also took photos and inspected her closely, fascinated by her size and preservation.

Copy of my Instagram post on June 6th.

The connection between them seems to be what was happening at the time of discovering them – the same family drama, relationship issues, boredom and questioning of my life. The last message I had received prior to June 6th was that I needed to dive into healing, focusing on my heart. I had a similar message about my heart and “doing the work” not long after.

The beetle is a symbol of transformation, eternity, moving between worlds, cosmic forces, rebirth and enlightenment. Since these beetles are dead, I wonder if this is a bad omen? Or it might just mean I am feeling “dead” in regards to the spiritual in my life? The last seems the most true to me. It may not be that these aspects are dead but that they are hidden from me due to all the physical world drama of late.

The female with her wings out and missing her abdomen feels like a representation of me. I tried to fly but couldn’t and in the process lost my “core” or received an injury to that portion of myself. The five beetles coincides with the number of individuals in my family which may or may not be significant.

Energy

Energetically I have been all over the place. Some days I feel quite balanced while other I feel disconnected, confused, or just plain triggered. The full moon eclipse of the 4th was especially odd. Mostly I just wanted to be alone but because of the family activities felt pressured into being around lots of people, people who I don’t feel much if any connection to.

Mostly I am left with a questioning of where I am currently in life, feeling the need to inspect the quality of the connections I have. Do the people I associate with resonate with me? If they don’t, then what? How do I correct this?

I am also questioning my future. What lies ahead? Sadly I see very little and have no specific goals in mind. In a recent conversation with my Mom about my sister’s plight I told her, “If I had little to no time left in this body I would be okay with it. I feel as if my work here is done.” My Mom asked me, “What about your children? They still need you.” I said, “Not like they use to. They would be fine without me.” Of course, my confession upset my Mom but she doesn’t understand where I am at right now. In a way I envy my sister’s position. Not the drug addict part but the part where the end of her life is in sight and she can easily take that exit.

My wishing to move onto the next world is not a new one. It seems the more spiritual experiences I have, the more the desire to move on becomes. What I’ve seen and experienced cannot be undone. Sometime I wish it could be. It is the cruel fate of those like me who walk the line between the physical, material, illusory world and the Spirit world and the Divine Connection of All That Is.

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Kundalini Dream: Admit it, You Miss Me

Lots of intense shifting going on, at least in my world. My sister is still in the hospital and the doctor’s still refuse to perform surgery. They call it a “futility surgery”. The good news is the bacteria causing her sepsis is under control.

My BIL came by the house and had a long talk with my husband earlier in the week. He confessed to him that he had been a Meth user for 15 years and introduced it to my sister. He feels awful but at the same time he is in denial about many things. He referred to himself a “functional addict”. Ha!

Along with all the above stress and not-knowing, there have been family issues flaring up here and there that have long been in flux. I won’t go into detail about it but last night I couldn’t sleep because of the stress. 😦 My third-eye chakra kept activating as did other chakras. Their activation seemed to be related to the emotions that were coming up, which was interesting. I did my best to observe and allow the emotions to rise but there were so many that it seemed never-ending.

I think I fell asleep around 4am.

Dream: All B’s

I was walking across a college campus (learning lessons) early in the morning talking to someone. I told them I hadn’t gotten much sleep and couldn’t even recall what my new classes were because I forgot my schedule at home. I saw my previous grades in a visual – B B B B.

Then I saw someone was soaking wet (high emotion) and asked what happened. They pointed and I looked over just in time to see a person spraying people with water from a hose. They sprayed some on me and I got furious, turning around and calling them names. I got so angry I woke up.

Kundalini Dream: Admit it, You Miss Me

I was in a house. The light was low. I remember seeing a man who I recognized walking around the room. He seemed almost to be pacing in a circle. He was looking over at me and saying things like, “I know you miss me….Admit it…..You miss me.” 

My focus was in front of me. There was a refrigerator (emotional indifference, inhibited desire). The door was open and it was completely empty except for a box of vitamins (seeking to meet ones needs). I leaned down and picked it up and said, “Looks like she’s been taking these since 2003.” I was impressed for some reason. The box was green (healing) and seemed to glow.

The man responded to me by slowing his pace and staring at me. He said, “Admit it, you miss me.” (Odd I wrote You miss you). 

I finally answered him and said, “Okay. Fine. Yes, I miss you.” He smiled and turned toward me. I repeated myself, “I do miss you.” 

Then I remember literally crawling toward him on my hands and knees. My thought was, “I’m sorry”, so my crawling was likely a result of my regret. 

When I got to him he kissed me gently and I returned his kiss. We continued to kiss and I was thinking, “I missed you..I’m sorry.” The emotions that came up here were joy and relief at being back in touch with him.

I felt immense love and admiration for this man. I believe he was naked but can’t be sure. I also remember how his kiss felt. It was nice. Not too eager or hungry but gentle and loving. 

We ended up laying on the floor, him on top of me, making out. The more I allowed myself to enjoy it, the more the K energy began to ignite and grow. I felt a shot of bliss and pleasure hit my root chakra and begin to rise upward. I surrender to it, to him, but the intensity was so much that it woke me up.

Shocked, I woke up.

The energy did not dissipate immediately so I lay in bed relishing it for a bit. I struggled to return to sleep after. I probably got a total of 2 hours sleep. 😦 

Considerations

The first dream reminds me of an OBE I had long ago. In the dream I was upset because a young man was setting fire to all the trees. I frantically ran after him with a hose trying to put out the flames but was unable to.

The hose in the dream seems to indicate that I have been successful at putting out the fire caused by the Kundalini. My reaction to getting wet is anger, though, so maybe I am changing my mind?

The second dream seems to indicate that I am looking to meet my needs in life. The resulting Kundalini indicates that those needs may be met via the K-energy.

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Some Things to Remember

It is easy to Forget who we Are in times like these. So much distraction. So much conflict, fear, upset, and worry to put our overactive minds into overdrive if we so allow it. Below are some simple reminders to help pull you out of your mind and back into your heart and Self.

Life is but a game and we are all actors playing our roles in it. The role you play is one you agreed to play but this lifetime’s personality is but a drop in the ocean of what comprises You.

Every person you meet is a reflection of You (meaning that You that is much bigger than the tiny portion that is your personality and character in this lifetime).

Belief is key. What you believe becomes your reality. Or to put it another way – your beliefs limit and shape your reality and experiences. Shared beliefs create shared realities. We gravitate towards those who share our beliefs and thus have similar realities to our own.

Doubt destroys conviction, limits ones power and reinforces Forgetfulness. Doubt is a byproduct of fear.

Fear is not native to Spirit (US). Fear exists in the finite and is a byproduct of duality (good/bad, life/death).

What you resist, persists.

You are not alone.

You are Love(d).

This, too, shall pass.

The only constant is change.

To err is human. Be kind to yourself. Forgiveness is key.

Experience is a teacher. Learn from it.

There are no mistakes, only choices.

Follow the 8 Winds.  “Worthy persons deserve to be called so because they are not carried away by the eight winds: prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure. They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.”

That which we most fear is our greatest lesson.

There are so many more but these are the ones that comes to me now. Please feel free to add any you can think of in the comments. Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

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Mother’s Day Musings

It’s Mother’s Day and I am feeling affected but not sure exactly how. I am in a somber mood but also a pensive one. I’m not sad but I’m not happy. I’m contemplative but zoned out.

This morning I recalled how the other day, when not in present time, my mind wandering to other things – most of which were me feeling angry about the unfairness of certain things in the world, things I cannot change or effect directly – I spilled scalding hot water all over my hand. Brought immediately to present time by the event, I made sure to hold the cup until I could place it on a solid surface despite the automatic impulse to drop it and tend to the horrific burning sensation that was quickly spreading across my arm. Putting the cup down, I did not immediately tend to my burns but instead continued making my cup of tea. Once I completed the task at hand I put my hand under cool water and surveyed the damage. While my hand and arm seemed okay, the burning sensation had not abated despite the cold water.

After many minutes of feeling the burning sensation come and go in waves I recognized the pain was something I needed not avoid. In fact, the avoidance of the pain extended and even intensified it. So I sat motionless and focused on the pain, allowing it to exist and knowing it would pass and had something to teach me. Yes it was uncomfortable but in focusing on the pain I noticed it was not as bad as it seemed. I became curious about it even, noting the unique way my body registered the pain – the prickling hot sensation, the spreading and then abating as if my nerves were trying to decide whether a threat existed.

As expected the pain eventually subsided and I was left only with a sensitive area on my hand that felt similar to a sunburn. I rubbed some aloe on it and was able to fall asleep but not before recalling how my mom once told me of her own boiling hot water incident when she was pregnant. She had been making spaghetti and somehow tipped the entire pot of boiling water all over herself. In her case, she had not just burned her hand like me but a very large portion of her body. She had to lay in a tub of cold water just to bear the pain of it.

I wonder now if I had been the child inside her tummy at that time? Why did the memory of my mother’s story come to me so vividly when I had heard the story so very long ago, when I myself was still a child? Could this be a reminder that we are all connected? That one person’s experience can be recalled by another – re-experienced even – and sympathized with?

But this morning as I recall my own experience and tie it into my own’s mother’s, I am grateful for what it taught me. Pain is not something to avoid. Pain teaches. In fact, it is our greatest teacher if only we would stop and listen to it rather than pushing it away, denying and avoiding it.

Similarly, the pain of the world is also our teacher. When our hearts ache in response to the atrocities that exist in this world we should embrace the ache, hug it close to use even, as it is a reminder of our humanity as well as our deep connection to one another. It is not our purpose in these bodies to eliminate pain. On the contrary, it is to embrace it and let it teach us what we otherwise would not know. We come here, hearts completely open, knowing the pain we will encounter, willing to experience it so it can transform us. We do not come here to vanquish pain or those who appear to be the source of it. No. Our job is to transmute the pain into the Love that we are. For Love knows not the difference between “bad” and “good”, it is acceptance regardless of intent.

I am reminded of how how my own heart, open so wide as to let in the entirety of human existence in a moment, was so overpowering that I fell to my knees and pleaded for God to take it all away. Tears spontaneously poured from my eyes from the beauty and my heart ached from the simultaneous pain. How could I be both happy and grieving at the same time? How could so many contradictory emotions exist altogether as if one and the same?

And a silent voice inside me answers – Because they are One.

Happy Mother’s Day. May you embrace the Love that you are.

 

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Dream: Mermaid Warriors

This whole week I have gone through all kinds of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety, concerns, guilt, appreciation, gratitude, love, compassion, guilt, etc. My emotions kept me up at night three nights in a row, mainly because I went to bed upset, usually angry or frustrated. Getting unwanted news right before bed is never conducive of a good night’s sleep for me. lol One night I was told all employees at my place of work had to wear masks to work. Another night a “friend” on FB left a rant on one of my posts where she basically called me a narcissist. Another night my husband told me something that now I can’t even recall. LOL Shows how very, very important it was, right?

I started to dread going to sleep because I knew once I closed my eyes that all kinds of thoughts and emotions would surface. I also knew I needed to meditate, calm my mind and body and allow those thoughts and feelings to surface and dissipate. The anger and frustration I experienced was the worst and I didn’t want to feel it because it made certain sleep would not come. Yet if I didn’t at least acknowledge it, it would seep out of me like icky, black sludge throughout the day – which it did. When this happens I usually piss someone off or step on someone’s toes or, worst of all, hurt someone’s feelings.

All the while I kinda knew, deep down, that my reactions to the world situation right now was purposeful. If I triggered someone, it was not a mistake. If I was triggered it was not a mistake.

In one instance, the one involving FB, I had actually considered deleting a post I posted because I knew would trigger someone. I intentionally left it. I don’t remember knowing why but that was later revealed when someone who I know online blew their fuse completely. This person had been acting this way in the online group she hosted, too, so it was not really a surprise that she lost her cool. I had been witnessing her attack people who did not share her beliefs for some time now, remaining quiet and just observing without judgement. When she attacked me online I actually didn’t even finish reading her post because of the pure contempt oozing out of the first couple of lines. I deleted it without a thought when she began using the term narcissist.

Sadly, the term narcissist bothered me. I ended up convinced I must be one all because of this woman and her judgement of me. My concern – guilt even – didn’t last long, though, because I realized that a narcissist would not feel guilt or concern over being labeled a narcissist! lol Also, my research indicated that I did not fit the bill. I may sometimes have some characteristics of a narcissist (as we all do) but I am most definitely NOT one. Yet all it took was this woman labeling me as one to make me temporarily convinced I must be horribly selfish, unfeeling and manipulative. 😦 In the end, though, it was a good thing because it caused me to take a step back and really look at myself, which was needed, especially now.

You may wonder what it was that triggered this woman. Well, I also had to inspect that about myself. My upset has been over the virus and the resulting fear has infected the population. I had finally had enough of the fear posts on FB, the constant fear mongering on the news and the people in my neighborhood brutally shaming anyone who was not in fear like them. When I blew up on FB I had not yet really figured out the true source of my upset.

Since then I have recognized my upset stems not from any of the above but from this – the current and long-term economic impact and its effects on those who were/are already struggling. Children. The poor. The addicted. The abused. The neglected. The suicidal or depressed. The hungry. The longer the shutdown goes on, the more these statistics rise.

But I needed to look even deeper than that.

I discovered at the root, of course, is my sister and her subsequent return home where she was already very likely to resume her meth habit. But now, with the shelter-in-place orders in effect, her enabling and drug-using husband at her side, and the stimulus check coming her way, well she is doomed. It’s not the virus that will kill her – nope – it’s herself.

I often struggle with letting the people I love make choices I know will ultimately lead them to more suffering or even death. Who doesn’t? It has been a hard lesson for me. I want desperately to take control of their situation, make decisions for them, but can’t. I feel helpless – much like everyone around me is feeling with this virus situation, though not all for the same reasons.

Thus, what my guides have been saying to me lately, “We are all in this together.” Everyone is feeling helpless and everyone is being triggered in their own way.

For me, the solution is to stop looking out at the world as the source of my upset and subsequent “problem”. Rather, I need to accept, once again, that my sister has to make her own decisions regardless of whether I think they are “right” or “wrong”. It is her life. I have to let go and allow her to fall – or rise – as in the end it is her path, not mine. Just as it is for every person on Earth.

Thus, it follows, that my upset with the mask order suddenly vanished. I went into work without a mask but by the time I got home I had decided I was going to make some masks. lol I had been dead set against wearing one and then did a complete 180. The release I felt was extraordinary and…..what fun I had!!!

Looky, looky at what I made!

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They aren’t perfect but they aren’t bad considering I haven’t touched my sewing machine in almost a decade. And what was I thinking about when I went to bed last night? Was I angry? Were my emotions and thoughts all over the place? Nope. Instead I was thinking about how I could tweak the masks I make next. I was creating. I would much rather be kept awake by creative thoughts than by frustration, wouldn’t you? 🙂

Dream: Mermaid Warriors

Shifting gears to dream-land….

My dreams have been few and far between these days but the ones I recall lately seem to involve ships and water. To give you an idea, previously I was on a sinking ship and rescued by three nuns in a submarine. lol

So last night’s dream was quite bizarre. I was on a dock with others standing next to what reminded me of a Stargate (Stargate movie lovers will know what this looks like). A woman was calibrating it and a blue light was emanating from the center. I was very close and the lady put her hand up and said to me, “No. You can’t use it whenever you want anymore. You have to wait.” My feeling and response was something like, “Oh come on!” I really, really wanted to go through it and it felt like I did it all the time. What is odd here is that the woman called the Stargate a “corral”. I’m not sure of the meaning here except to “confine or bring together”. My feeling is the next event or journey, what I was so eager to go into in the dream, is a “corral”.

Then I was being shown a “crew” that was being gathered together. I was told they were a mermaid crew yet what I saw was a group of women with legs standing together in clothing that reminded me of a warrior, like Amazon warriors. They had in their hands spears and their faces were without expression. There were at least 30 of them.

By this time I realized I was with a man who seemed to be directing me. Probably a guide or mentor. The man was tall, broad shouldered and light haired. He was talking about going to a very upscale restaurant that served foods that were not usual. I can’t remember what the foods were but they were things a sea creature would eat, not a human.

Considerations

Funny enough, when I woke I was having a conversation with someone asking to be allowed to go right now. It felt that I was about to be taken away in a “ship”. So, my thoughts were, of course, on a space ship type vessel. I highly doubt that I am going to be taken up in a space craft.

The symbolism here seems to be indicating a journey is ahead, one that will gather together a group of like individuals. How we are alike is unknown but based upon my past experiences I would say we have in common this: We are Light Workers/Warriors of the Light.

The mermaids indicate the ability to shift form from creatures of the water to creatures of land. The sea here is intuition and the ability to tap into it as needed. The land here is being human, or better yet Hu-man. Mermaids are symbolic of higher consciousness and being attuned to one’s authentic self. They also represent knowing and following one’s life purpose. The fact that their human form appears warrior-like feels to be a message or a calling to “arms” though not in the way one might think. It is more of a presence or a duty.

The man says of the food served at the restaurant that there is no use eating it if the restaurant doesn’t prepare certain foods a certain way. My feeling on this is that I am being asked to “eat the right food”, meaning to nourish myself with things that will strengthen me rather than weaken me. I am being asked to be mindful of what “foods” I eat. My first thought here is that I need to pay attention to what media content I am looking at – not just news media but any information being brought to me right now.

I feel blessed to have had this dream. It is promising but also cautionary, advising that while we wait, we be careful of what we consume.

 

 

 

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Keep Calm: The Earth is Purging

The Earth is purging. It has been for a long time now.

Years ago when I had my first precognition visions (unwanted at that) I was shown natural disasters (fires, floods, viruses, drought, migration) to the point of crippling the population and economy, leading to wars, riots, destruction. Massive population movement (displacement) all over the world because of the changes in climate. Water levels rising and flooding populations close to the coastlines, rising up the Mississippi river and other large rives, flooding beyond record levels. That was in 2002 and covered “the next 50 years”. We aren’t even halfway through yet.

I was shown back in 2002 to stay put, location-wise, for a reason. No flooding here. No earthquakes. Climate change would be more positive, in that it would be wetter – similar to the sub-tropics. The Equator will shift as the poles shift, moving the tropics and sub-tropics from the positions they are in now, shifting that weather north in some areas and south in others. I happen to be in the north side of it.

When the fires hit the US I kept hearing from my guides, “Purge by fire”. When the flooding was happening in the US, it was, “Purge by water.” I heard the same with various other natural disasters as they happened happened around the world.

The Corona virus is no different, it’s just “Purge by disease.”

The Earth can only take so much. There are too many people and that number is rising. We are taking more than we need, using up Earth’s bounty, sucking her dry.

When animal populations rise too much, the Earth naturally fixes the problem. Either food becomes scarce, disease spreads quickly or some other method or combinations of methods is used to slow the population rise and maintain balance. Yet humans think we are somehow immune from this. We believe we are “superior”. So we develop ways to avoid the natural process and our population swells to numbers far beyond Earth’s ability to cope. The tipping point is here, though, and if we are smart we will listen to the Earth’s cries.

If a virus doesn’t kill off millions, something else will. The Earth is purging and will continue to.

Resisting the changes won’t help. Remaining calm and centered will. The herd mentality creates more problems, leads to panic and people acting illogically. Quarantining people in their homes for weeks won’t make it go away, it only slows it down. Other virus’ exist, some we don’t even know about, some we do. Are we going to be in quarantine forever? Contact with other humans is inevitable – needed.

I find it interesting also that I just finished watching the show 12 Monkeys which is about a virus that wipes out almost all of the world population. Ha! Not a sync I missed.

I saw a post yesterday that speaks so much about this virus situation. It resonated with me completely.

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When I observe people both online and in my day-to-day living, I see evidence of these three groups, have for a long while now.

The 4D group is very active on FB and other social media. This person or that is a “pedophile”, the virus is a “hoax”, “Team Dark” is trying to destroy the Light, the elite are using us a pawns, etc. It is not that they are “wrong”. It is very likely such hidden agendas are in the works (probably, actually). But becoming enmeshed in such things acts only to distract them, distancing them further from the inner work that needs to be done.

The fear mongers are frantic. They are the ones I avoid when I go out in public because their fear is broadcast in their energy and makes me feel generally icky. The amount of fear varies, of course, from severe paranoia to mere anxiety, but they are all being controlled by it, not listening to their inner Knowing but instead seeking out the most recent news and then spreading the fear to others in various ways.

The 5D individuals are less openly obvious. They are the quiet ones for the most part. Observing, allowing – centered in their hearts and in their Knowing. They stand centered in Self, watching the world around them without judgement but with compassion.

I feel I am more in line with the 5D group. I struggle with remaining neutral, though. When I see the conspiracy posts on FB or other social media I want to write something to try and show them how distracted they are, but I stay silent. It is the same with those consumed by fear. It will do no good to try and force them to see things the way I do. They are going through their own process, as we all are, and no one path is alike.

So I remain quiet more than not. When I go out in public I smile, I remain calm, I am friendly. Just yesterday when I was out shopping, an employee of the store was also shopping and approached me, smiling and friendly. When he got too close he backed up suddenly and apologized, saying he should not get too close with the virus so near. I smiled, laughed and reassured him that I had no fear whatsoever of becoming infected. He looked positively relieved and began to relax, smiling and continuing to share his story and thoughts. I listened and allowed him to release some of his pent up emotion and fear.

Yet in the same trip as I was checking out I must have gotten too close and the man in front of me stiffened as if he were going to catch fire or drop dead. I backed off, smiled and remained pleasant.

I will leave you all with a positive sign I received two days ago on a trip to see my Mom, who lives about 40 minutes away in the country. It was a pleasant visit and toward the end we were blessed with visit by a Polyphemus moth. My step-father gently picked it up and held it and after a while it flew off into the distance. We were all in awe of its beauty and presence.

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The symbolism of the moth was not lost on me. I knew it was a message. Here is the message of the moth:

moth symbolism

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Updates

This post will mostly consist of updates and musings.

Updates

My sister is still in the hospital. I haven’t been able to visit her again because my husband is out of town for work and I am playing single parent to our three children. Thankfully, nothing major has occurred with her condition. She is stable, though she has had some minor complications. A few days ago she had to have fluid removed from her right leg which had swollen and grown very painful. She also continues to have a fever despite the antibiotics they have been giving her. She had a picture taken of her heart valve, but I haven’t heard the results of that test yet. The doctors believe her valve is failing and she will need it removed and replaced. At this point I think a heart valve replacement is inevitable. We all knew it would happen one day, it was just a question of when.

As for my health, I had a physical over a month ago, the first in about four years. My blood work came back normal and I am still awaiting the results of my first ever mammogram. I don’t expect any bad results from the mammogram, either.

I have concluded that the heart speed-up incident last August was the result of a mixture of conditions – stress, spiritual healing/shift and eating too little for my activity level. First, when I told the doctor of the incident she agreed that it sounded very much like a hypoglycemic “attack” rather than a heart attack or heart related issue. Second, I had a series of very stressful incidents around that time, one of which was my dog, Monty, being horribly attacked by a loose dog in our neighborhood as we took our daily walk. I had also been going through some major spiritual shifting specifically in my second and third chakras which brought about debilitating panic attacks. Finally, I had been eating way too few calories – around 1500/day – for my activity level. I am active 6-7 days a week, meaning I do some kind of exercise every day and most days it is moderate to high intensity for 45+ minutes. So, I recently changed my calorie intake to closer to 1850 and am about to increase it to 2000/day. I’m not sure how I got stuck at such a low daily caloric intake. I know better than that!

I continue to work on flexibility and have already noticed a difference in how I feel. The tightness in my hips and shoulders seems to be decreasing. I can do reverse plank and bridge without feeling like my shoulders are going to break off. lol My calves are still a major sticking point for my deep squat and I still have discomfort at my hip crease when I squat deep. These will take time to resolve – maybe years – but I have accepted that and am just focusing on increasing my flexibility.

As I suspected would happen as I worked on my physical body, my spiritual body is responding in kind. Slowly, but surely, some issues are rising to the surface for inspection. For example, I have been having dreams related to issues and events in my past. I haven’t written much about them because they are deeply personal and revealing. The dreams bring back emotions that I would rather not feel and self-defeating thoughts tend to follow.

I have also recognized once again my tendency to hold onto or fixate on certain things. Finances tend to be one of those sticking points. My goals financially are to have no credit card debt and to have a substantial amount of money in savings. I reached goal #1 recently and am working hard to reach #2. Unfortunately, it looks like goal #1 is not going to last as our downstairs heater stopped working and we had to have the whole unit replaced. Similarly, a debt to a friend of my husband is coming due, one I didn’t know existed until just recently.

On a positive note, financially we have the ability to handle these situations and to continue put aside money. My job continues to be perfect for me and I am so very grateful to have the freedom, lack of stress and financial security it brings.

Spiritual Update

I’ve been in a period of integration, which feels like stagnation, for some time now and I do not see that changing anytime soon. As is my struggle with periods like this, I tend to get extremely bored and listless. Physical life is just not very interesting, especially in comparison to that types of spiritual experiences I am use to. I do not desire to do most things that others would find enjoyable. I still do not like being out in crowds of people even though I no longer experience anxiety or panic when I do.

Lately, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what is important in life. This was brought on by my sister’s sudden illness and her continued teeter-totter on the tightrope between life and death. My dreams suggest she is at a life turning point where she can choose to stay or go. When considering my feelings about this I felt okay if she opted to leave but recognized that there would be an obvious hole in my life left by her absence. The feeling is hard to describe but is similar to having a piece missing. Those who have lost loved ones would understand this feeling well, but I experience it differently. I do not struggle with the physical death of a loved one very much as I know they continue to live on just in another form. What I struggle with is feeling alone. I manage this feeling daily but when a family member dies it becomes all the more obvious and I envy them. I honestly can’t wait until my visit to Earth ends and I can rejoin my family in Spirit.

I’ve also begun to feel a bit guilty about how little I have done to help my sister in her life struggles. As I contemplated the potential loss of her I thought to myself how spiteful I have been and the conditions I have set on the love I have for my sister. My actions say, “I love you conditionally” and that is NOT what I want my sister to take with her from this life. Because in the end love is really all there is and human love and all that it lacks is so degraded compared to the Divine love we all are. When I take away the conditions, the love I have for my sister causes me to want to give her whatever I can to ease her suffering. I still struggle with that voice that says, “But…..”. At least I am viewing my relationship with her in a new way.

Another feeling I’m having is loneliness. It is more acute than usual, anyway. I feel a lack but cannot put my finger on what exactly it is except to say I feel alone and isolated. I realize I isolate myself from others purposefully and when I inspect that action I don’t feel it is the source of my loneliness. I desire deep, meaningful connections, not superficial ones. Most everyone who surrounds me in my daily life (except my close family) will only provide superficial connections. I’m tired of being an actress, playing the role others want me to play. Yet I struggle to be my True Self. She is illusive or maybe she just doesn’t feel safe? All of this is just a part of the period of integration asking me to confront physical reality, really inspect it and my response to it. Perhaps there is something I’m not seeing or maybe I am doing what I do in other areas of my life, resisting reality?

I have been reminded in my dreams that we choose to enter this physical life and body to challenge ourselves. We travel this path “alone” on purpose. Alone = separate from the Oneness; individualized and sequestered. Those special few (soul family) who remind us of our true nature and purpose come and go. Sometimes – rarely- they stick around and we create lasting physical life memories with them. Other times, and more frequently, our paths diverge. Heart sickness results when this happens but the heart heals and we are stronger in the end, though it may take some time to realize that.