Category Archives: Dreams

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Reminder: Self-Restraint

Below is a dream account from Nov 3rd that led to lucidity for the first time in a while.

Dream: Teaching Others

I can’t remember the beginning of the dream except that I was with a young man with brown beard that reminded me of a professor I had in college who taught Social Psychology. He and I walked into his classroom where it felt I was to assist.

He left me in charge briefly. I wasn’t concerned because I was only watching the students for a short time. Relaxed, I enjoyed observing them. However, two young black girls began fighting. One ripped the underwear off the other one and was running around with it. I intervened, grabbing the underwear which was quite dirty and crusty, and put myself between them. I sent another student to the office for help as I sat with them and discussed their behavior. I remember specifically asking if they would behave similarly in other situations like church, a store, etc. They seemed to understand and were remorseful. I was sympathetic and remember thinking, “They don’t know better.”

The teacher returned without help, the class dismissed and I stayed in the classroom. New students came in and with them a fellow classmate of mine who I haven’t seen in over 20yrs. I recognized her and called her by name. She hugged me and then kissed me on the lips, which was awkward but I didn’t think anymore about it. I looked up at her, she was always tall, but she was gigantic! I commented on her height and asked if she was over 7ft. She said, “No, but my sister is.” She asked how tall I was and I told her 5’6″. I felt like a dwarf in her presence. We got to talking about our lives and she said she had lived for a time in Yuma, AZ. I told her my life hadn’t been very significant. Then she left.

Another person I recognized came into the classroom. A woman who use to own the business my husband and his brother now own. She was in a tizzy and I wondered why, following her gaze. When I did, the room transformed and I was standing outside near a restaurant with lights strewn up around a shallow fountain and pond nearby. She was looking out at the pond so I did, too and saw her deceased father and mother. Her father was in the water and looked vibrant and healthy. I knew he was dead and shouldn’t be there and was astonished at how real he looked and that his wife was with him. He spoke to his daughter and his voice was the same as I recalled.

Then I shifted back to the classroom. I was standing near the door and my husband walked in. When I saw him I told him who I had just seen. I said, “It was SO real!” and burst into tears. While I was crying I heard a male voice whisper, “You are real.” The phrase was repeated a couple of times as I continued to cry before I shifted to yet another scene.

I was escorted into a very nice house. It was massive, like a castle, and made of white stone. Inside, I walked down wooden stairs that led to a quaint but modern kitchen and living area. It didn’t match the outside at all and appeared like any other middle class dwelling. There were others with me but I don’t recall them nor did I seem to know them well in the dream. I was more curious about my surroundings, looking at various items and ignoring the conversation going on around me. 

I found my way outside into a small patio garden and began walking down the stone pathway. It was sunny and warm with a light breeze. To my left was a beautiful flowering vine-like bush with purple flowers all over it. I paused, looking closely at one of the flowers. It was tiny and had yellow and white inside. I leaned in and thought, “I know I’m dreaming but I don’t want to wake up. I like this.” As I leaned in to smell the flower I heard, “Be careful. It’s sharp.” In my mind I saw that the end of the flower was sharp, like razor blades. Imagining the pain of being cut, I pulled back. 

Dreams Within the Dream

I don’t know if I woke up or what happened but it was like a memory of another dream came to me while within this dream. I was walking outside talking to someone about the honey bees I had been tending to. We walked by one hive hanging from a branch. I pointed out the bees to the other person and then directed them to another hive. As we drew close, one of the bees came near me. It was fat and black, not like a honeybee, and I instantly knew something was not right. I swatted it away and it became aggressive. It landed on my thumb. I looked at it very closely, inspecting it and watching it’s behavior. I saw it’s stinger aimed to sting me but I moved my hand out from under it. I remember saying, “This isn’t good. They have to go.” I believe I also said they had become “killer bees”.

Then I was walking along a street. Someone was yelling at me to look behind me. I turned and saw a black bear following me. I talked to it like it was a dog and turned to it to tell it to leave. It wouldn’t so I kicked it in the nose but not hard enough to hurt it. It whimpered and stopped. It was pretty big but I wasn’t afraid of it. Instead, I looked at it a while, appreciating its beauty.

The scene shifted and I watched a family by the pool. Another bear was there but it was super fat and lounging like a person. Worried for the family, I watched intently. A man, the father, interacted with it, tossing balls at it. He ended up playing a game with the bear to see who could kick the ball farthest across the pool. Each time the bear lost, it took a piece of a bear suit off. The first pieces that came off were the sock feet. The “bear” ended up being the man’s wife. He won the game and they lounged by the pool using the huge bear coat as a blanket and snuggling under it.

One of Life’s Lessons

I know I woke at some point because I remember talking to a guide. I think the above dreams within a dream were a result of that conversation. this guide said, as if a reminder, “Self-Restraint”. This woke me up and I wondered, “Is that my lesson?” It felt correct. 

This realization was agonizing to me, though. Ugh! I hated it. Yet in my mind images and memories came all at once. Some from this lifetime, some from other lifetimes. The end result was confirmation that self-restraint was something I’ve been working on for a long time. I am learning that just because I might want to do or say something, doesn’t mean I should. Some of the memories involved incidents that were awful, such as killing another for food or just because “I felt like it”. 

I remember returning from a life when I killed someone in a rage of jealousy and was also killed (a long, long time ago). When I got Home I was told, “You can’t just kill everyone that doesn’t agree with you.” LOL I remember feeling bad after that lifetime (a short one). I didn’t think, I just acted and it cost me my life. I went into other lives after that, but continued to struggle with impulse control. 

In this lifetime I’ve always hoped for a short life. I have no desire to drag this experience out until old age. In the past, I’ve thought about this on occasion. My conclusion was that my other lives were not very long, probably only making it to middle age at the most. In my memories of other lives that has been the case. I don’t typically die of old age. When I have died of old age, “old” was 40yrs old, such as the lifetime when I was cursed with a club foot and lived a very miserable existence, dying when I was an “old man”. 

Perhaps this is part of why I am currently struggling with deciding what it is I want in my future. I’ve lost interest in life almost completely. At times I feel like at any moment I am going to literally break – lose my mind in such a way as to lose sense of who, when, where I am. I am easily stressed by simple life events, so when a bigger event is added I really struggle to maintain composure.

For example, my youngest had an ortho appointment. He didn’t handle the last one well. He gagged and cried and we had to reschedule. It caused him so much upset and anxiety and it was absolutely horrible for me to watch and not be able to do anything to help him. At this appointment I sat across from him focused another point in the room. I closed my eyes and sent love and reassurance to him. All the while praying it will go well and telling myself it will be okay. It was and he did well (thankfully), but by the end of the day I stood in my kitchen thinking, “I don’t know how long I can do this [pretend everything is okay]”. I felt like I was going to crack right then and there. But I didn’t.

Life feels heavy and I am tired. 

Message: You Need Stimulation

I went in and out of the in-between, which hasn’t happened in quite some time. In one instance I was laying down, my bare leg stretched out in front of me. I had a metal object in my hand. It looked like a small massage tool. It had a handle and at the end was a rectangular cylinder with little bumps all over it. I was rolling this object up and down my thigh. It felt relaxing and pleasurable, like a sensual massage. As I massaged my leg I heard, “You need stimulation.” Of course, I immediately came out of my reverie. 

My understanding of the message is that life is not stimulating to me. I require more stimulation. My boredom and lack of interest is in part due to not having that stimulation. The problem is I have no idea what would be stimulating to me! All my old interests have faded away. When I think of returning to something that use to interest me I am no longer interested. Even in my dream, when I had the opportunity to take control of the dream and turn it into an OBE, I was not interested. Why? Whenever I go OBE I have no interest in exploring or searching or anything. I am bored with it now.

I am warned in the dream that remaining asleep (“I don’t want to wake up”) could hurt (“Be careful, it’s sharp.”). I don’t seem to care but I do stay away from the flower. Perhaps that reaction is symbolic of why I avoid the things I use to enjoy? I’ve learned that, in life, those things that are desirable are the things that hurt the most. 

I’ve gotten other messages via dreams lately indicating that I need to live life while I still have life. The messages encourage taking more risks. Would that be stimulating enough? Probably. Do I want to take a risk? Not really. Perhaps I’ve learned the self-restraint lesson too well? 

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Kundalini Dream: Navigating Dama

For the first time in a while I had meaningful dreams with messages and even some clarity. 

The first dream of the night involved me talking to a man who was severely depressed and disinterested in life. I remember encouraging him to do something with the time he has here and being very upbeat and positive. I asked, “Isn’t there anything you want to do with the time you have left?” I don’t remember him replying to any of my questions. In fact, he seemed to not even know I was there.

I woke suddenly around midnight feeling very energetically weird. I thought it might be my heart but when I checked my pulse it was steady. The feeling was very much like what I sometimes get when I return from an OBE too abruptly. It is energetic and hard to describe. I was able to return to sleep easily at least.

Dream: Navigating Dama

I remember talking to a woman throughout this dream. I never saw her, though. 

The space I occupied in the dream was dark. My best description would be that I was in a focusing area. The first thing I recall is communicating with my husband from this space. I could see him as if from a long distance (telepathy). He got very upset with me for interrupting him because he was working on a burial shroud for his brother. When I looked through his eyes I could see him creating the shoulders for it that resembled fabric wet with plaster. The response from my husband was harsh. Do not bother me now!  This is similar to how he often reacts to me in waking life when I’ve interrupted him when he’s working. I remember hearing certain words at this time. One word repeated: Requiem (a mass for the dead or Latin for “rest”). I watched a while curious about what he was doing but also recovering from his backlash. It hurt to be treated that way.

Eventually I left him alone. I turned towards a holographic-looking computer/phone screen and began to type into it as I spoke with the woman I couldn’t see but could hear in my mind. I typed two words with an “and” in between but kept mistyping the last word. Thus, it is the last word I remember. The word was “Dama” but I kept thinking I was misspelling it and it needed an “e” on the end. In other words, “Dame”. The app I had open was Navigator.

The woman and I were talking about my husband’s reaction and what it represented. I felt a lingering sadness and disappointment because it was clear to me that he would never be what I needed. I need a partner who puts me first, who thinks of me as “his person”, or the one he confides in and goes to for all his deeper emotional and spiritual needs/support. My husband, on the other hand, places me alongside everyone else. I am just one of many, often put second, third or fourth behind his many obligations towards the others in his life. He confides in everyone, seeking advice, sharing often personal and highly emotional aspects of our relationship and, thus, inviting others (via their input and more) into our relationship. To me, a partnership/relationship/marriage is not something one shares openly with others. It is holy, sacred, divine and private. 

I began to cry in the dream as we discussed my disappointment and grief. My husband and I have had many conversations about how I feel but he does not feel similarly. He doesn’t believe in placing any one person over another but feels all should be equal because he loves and admires everyone similarly. He does believe that a romantic partner shares the most intimate moments, but beyond that I feel like just another name on his long list of contacts.

As the discussion continued and I experienced the emotion of my grief, I began to feel a stirring in my root chakra that was beyond ignoring. The more we talked, the more intense the sensation. I have not felt such pleasure in a long time and then only via the Kundalini while in dream or altered (meditative) states. 

At one point I was able to ignore the feeling but at another I said to the woman, “I can’t [ignore it anymore]” and focused upon it. The more I focused the more intense it got but it never moved beyond the root. Instead, it sizzled there, fiery and fierce, while we continued to talk. This was when I was typing “Dama” specifically, which only later did I discover was significant.

My emotion got very high to the point of tears when I said to her, “I don’t want to do this.” She said, “You have to.” “This” felt to be a process; moving through my current situation rather than ignoring it. The specifics of “moving through” were not presented but I felt major dread and despair at just the thought of what lies ahead. It felt like whatever is coming is scary and difficult.

Interpretation and Significance

I woke, my eyes still wet from crying, and the intense energy still lingering in my root chakra. It was/is odd to me that I would feel such ecstasy while discussing such an emotional topic, one that is the opposite of pleasant. My guide was still close and asked me to consider why because she knows I know the answer already. The root activation was the result of the movement of previously stuck energy. However, there was also a lesson in feeling the energy, a lesson in restraint. 

Dama

One of the six virtues of a spiritual seeker. To have Dama means to have perfect alignment between your mind and your senses; self-restraint. In the dream I was typing “Dama” into the Navigator app – Navigating Dama.

In past instances of strong, lower chakra activation, I have had trouble not overly focusing on the sensations that arise because of how intensely pleasurable they are. In the dream I was successful for a time. I felt the pleasure but it remained in the background as I focused on the conversation I was having. However, it became difficult to ignore and I gave into it. The reminder in the dream was the word “Dama” being repeated.

Requiem

Song of death, death, to lay to rest. In this case, I am watching my husband construct a shroud for his brother. To me this symbolizes putting to rest my karmic connection with him – “my brother”. I recognize this in the dream and grieve. Though the full extent of this dream realization did not return with me as I woke, there remains a deep, unsettled feeling of “unfinished business” that I know must be tended to. 

Root Chakra

The root chakra has to do with feeling grounded, safe, at home in your body, and connected to the Earth. One of the areas of the body that it is connected to is the spine. When not in balance or blocked one of the physical manifestations is sciatica along with feeling disconnected, depressed, negative and cynical. I have been experiencing all of the above. Thankfully, my sciatica is feeling better again with it only being a very minor problem that is more bothersome than anything.

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Dream Meeting with Charlie

Woke up from a dream in which I was talking to a guy. In the dream, I had returned Montana (again) for school. I was in a student lounge area. It was full of students milling about. The light was low with a yellowish hue and the area reminded me a of mixture of a bar and a waiting area. 

I sat at a small bar seating area that was located along a long wall. As I played with my phone I noticed a man approaching from my left. He lingered, looking at me intently. I knew he wanted to talk so I looked up and he sat down, smiling, as if I invited him. He was rugged looking, like a version of Clint Eastwood, his skin tanned brown with deep smile lines around his eyes and mouth. Now that I think about it, he looked similar to a man I met in an OBE – the Marlboro Man. Ha!

When he introduced himself his words sounded all jumbled. I said, “Hold on, let me take out my earplugs.” I pulled out my right one and said, “Okay. What’s your name again?” He told me again, his words thick with a foreign accent, and it was still hard to make out but somehow I came up with Javier. I repeated it back and he nodded and said, “My friends call me Charlie.” 

With his very obviously Spanish name, I asked him if he was from the south. He nodded. So, I told him how I came to be there in Montana. I said, “I’m from Texas visiting after being away for 5yrs. I really missed the mountains and love it here.” I dropped my earplug (not wanting to listen) and excused myself as I knelt down to retrieve it from underneath the legs of a nearby chair. As I peered at it from under the chair I had a momentary moment of lucidity and the earplug became very clear. I remember thinking it out of place because I only wear them when I sleep, but it did not wake me up from within the dream.

Somehow we ended up talking about Houston. I think that was where he was from but am not sure. He began talking about specific streets in the area asking if I knew them. I remember talking about this for a while but cannot recall the names of the streets. Something about him relaxed me, like he drew out a part of me that otherwise would have remained hidden.

As we talked the scene shifted and we were in a car driving on roads with patches of ice and slush. I only recall that we discussed the harsh weather of Montana and he mentioned how the increase in population and warmer winters has decreased the heavy snow and ice. I remember as we drove that it felt like we were flying very low to the ground. In front of us was a four wheel drive pick-up truck (hard work) with oversized tires. It slowed and pulled to the right. In front of it and us was a flooded (high emotion) portion of the road. I was not worried whatsoever, knowing the water was not deep, but the truck detoured around it. We drove through the puddle and I watched the truck driving on our right. It drove back onto the road on the other side of the puddle at the same moment we did. We had successfully navigated through it.

Then I was just talking to “Charlie” one-on-one without any visuals that I recall. I assume we were still flying together but IDK. What I recall most specifically is him asking why I think of everything in life as “work”. I didn’t disagree and said just existing on this planet and in this body requires work. Survival = work. I think of pretty much all aspects of life from eating to sleeping – even breathing – as work. Over time all of it has become exhausting to me. It seems like every moment of life is preparing for the next. Every minute of every day making sure this body continues on. And for what? More of the same. In contrast, being in Spirit is not work at all. Everything comes with such ease.

Charlie reminded me that it wasn’t long ago that I found pleasure in the simple things in life. A memory of me cleaning dishes and realizing that I enjoyed it played through my mind. He suggested I focus on finding that joy again. 

I woke up still thinking of our discussion. My mind wandered to the people around me, all keeping busy with things in life they found “fun”. Fun is an over-used word. To me, “fun” describes something like going on an amusement park ride. Fun = adrenaline or an energy spike. There is a peak and then it falls back down, usually ending in a contented exhaustion. Yet, the people I know all use the word “fun” to describe all sorts of things from going for a walk to shopping or getting their nails done. 

I have become extremely critical of anyone who has tried to persuade me to have “fun” with them. If you say, “Come on! It’ll be fun!” It is an instant turn-off and I will likely say no. If you say, “It will be a nice change of scenery” or “You might like it”, then I might consider it. Might. lol

Regardless, Charlie is asking me to think of life differently, to get back to finding enjoyment in the simple things. If only it were that easy. Usually, those moments are when I am alone, so I will start there.

Finally, why I told Charlie I was returning to Montana after five years, IDK. 2017 was seems so long ago. Maybe I made some kind of decision back then that led me to take a long break from my spiritual journey? Probably. 2015-2017 were some of the toughest years for me.

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Dream Message: It’s Too Late When We Die

More strange dreams.

Dream: Kiera 

I was in a dark basement room with my friend from high school. There was a tiny bit of light and she was standing in it. I said, “Stay there. I want to take your picture.” She looked up and I aimed my camera. A little boy who was drawn like a cartoon character stood beside her. I looked beyond the camera lens and he was gone. I aimed again and he returned. Again and again he kept photo bombing the shot. Eventually, though, I got the photo without him in it. I told my friend about it, shocked, describing what he looked like. I said, “I think he may have been your future child.” 

We went to bed and when I awoke I was alone. I noticed on the walls were pictures in sequence of a fundraising event from when my friend and I were in school. Kids of various ages each took turns sitting in a wooden chair in a field. Their friends were around them cheering and applauding.

Above the display were words describing why the photos were there. It said something about displaying creativity instead of keeping it hidden. Toward the bottom were photos with me. I was hiding in most of them with my younger sister trying to get me to participate. She was smiling and having a good time. In several of the last photos loads of cash was being thrown over my head. I didn’t look amused but I did pose for pictures. 

I decided to leave the basement and explore my surroundings. The next thing I recall is being in a hotel lobby. A man came up to reception saying he had way too much alcohol left and he was leaving that morning. He asked if he could give it away. They agreed and he brought bags full of alcohol to the table – unopened six-packs of beer, opened wine and liquor containers, etc. People came up to take the free alcohol. I drifted closer, curious, and the man asked me if I wanted some. I declined. 

There was one small, yellow bottle that didn’t look like alcohol. The name suggested it was an arousal tonic for men. I mentioned it to the man and he confirmed what it was for. I said, “Kinky. Sounds like you were having fun.” He said, “We were neighbors.” He motioned to the hotel and said something about shared space, specifically restrooms. That was when I realized I was not there alone and the hotel was being used as a convention space for a gathering.

In his words I also recognized a light-hearted invitation. He looked kind of like Sting (the older version) and I was not interested. I am sure I blushed, though, and told him no thank you.

The man then dumped wads of cash onto the table. There were several woman there who eagerly grabbed it up. I said, “I want some.” One woman looked at me as if I had just threatened to kill her. She pulled a stack of bills closer to her and said I couldn’t because I didn’t take any alcohol. I said, “I don’t want/need that,” motioning at the bottles, “but I do need the money.” The others at the table looked at her with intent, their eyes saying, “Don’t be so greedy.” The woman handed me a wad of bills. On the top was a $100 bill and on the other side a $10 bill. In between were stacks of $5’s. 

I walked away with my wad of money (success, prosperity), staring at it. Then I opened a door in the wall. Inside was a narrow staircase leading up. I followed it, momentarily worried someone might rob me but then realized I didn’t have that much money and didn’t care.

The stairs opened up into a large space filled with mattresses, blankets and various sleeping spots spread out on the floor. There was no space to walk so I had to walk over the beds. The feeling the room gave me was positive, filled with a sense of connection. It dawned on me that I must’ve been sleeping in this space with all the others. I would never do something like that because, 1. I don’t like being in crowded places with lots of people and 2. I can’t sleep even with one other person in the room with me. 

I looked for my sleeping space but didn’t see it. So I headed to a clearing seeking a place to sit. I found a small sitting space near a large picture window. A woman greeted me warmly by name, calling me “Kiera”, and came to sit with me (Kiera = wealth, prosperity). I remember thinking the name was not quite right but liking it. I could get use to the name. 

Before I sat down, though, another woman came up outstretching her hand toward me. She said, “Keira! I made something for you!” She called by a name I can’t recall but in her hands were two, knitted slippers. She said, “I also want to buy you lunch for a week to thank you for all you’ve done.” The outpouring of love and acceptance from her was so great I immediately burst into tears and hugged her tight. I remember thinking how nice it was to finally feel like I belonged. 

Considerations

I woke up still crying. The tears were tears of joy and relief at the belonging I felt. Never in my life have I felt so accepted and loved. My entire life I have felt out of place. People regard me with suspicion and keep their distance. They pretend to accept me but they never really do. They always keep me at arms length, just in case I turn out to be “dangerous” to them. Most don’t know they are doing it, it is just their automatic reaction to my odd aura and I know now that my Projector aura is to blame. It dives deep into their aura and takes every part of them in. That is uncomfortable and scary to anyone who is a Generator and probably Manifestors, too. 

When I woke I thought, “This must be how most other people feel their whole life.” This is when something occurred to me. I read somewhere that our purpose in life is directly linked to our greatest wound. It very likely that my purpose is linked to groups and being in/part of a group. Ugh! 

If I am meant to work with groups then I will most definitely have to come out of my hermit hole and confront my greatest discomfort – groups of people and the inevitable rejection that comes with them. The odds are stacked against me. Funny thing is, in my youth I sought out groups, trying desperately to be included. Over time it became clear that people didn’t want me around and after many failed attempts, I decided I don’t want or need any of them. The repeated rejection is just not worth it. This is the Not-Self bitterness of being a Projector.

Yet within me is a “natural” teacher, public speaker and performer. I feel the most successful when I do these things. 

Music Message

As I lingered in bed, trying to return to sleep, a message slowly emerged in my mind. The words, “Say it loud……” I tried to grab onto the words and eventually more emerged: “Say it clear…..” There was no melody, just words. They were very faint and it took all my attention to get all of them. Out of the haze of sleep came the melody: “Say it loud. Say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late, when we die, to admit we don’t see eye to eye.” 

The song didn’t seem to go along with my dream at all. Instead it seemed to be an answer to a question I asked a couple of nights ago.

My sister (the one in jail), sent me a request to sign up to send and receive emails/texts. My mom told me that she gave my sister $10 to send emails and told me it costs 50 cents each time. My mom has been communicating with her this way. My guess is my mom gave her my phone number. I haven’t signed up, though. I just don’t want to be involved with her drama. My husband is urging me to do it. I asked my guides to help me decide. I think the song is suggesting I do it. 

If I think of the song’s message it is asking that I consider how I might feel if my sister passes from this world. I’ve always considered that death is not the end and that anything I may want to communicate I can regardless of whether the other person is living or dead. I think I’ve used this as an excuse to not communicate with my sister. She is not herself and when we talk I feel like she is not fully there. I get such an “off” feeling when we talk. I don’t like how it makes me feel. 

However, it is clear, for many reasons, that she will leave this world before I do. Whether sooner or later, it is hard to know. 

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Dream Message: Share Your Story

If it isn’t dreams where Spirit is visiting me to encourage me to do mediumship, it is a guide doing so. That is what happened last night/early this morning. Not sure what is going on!

Dream Message: Share Your Story

In the dream I was in a room with a tall, slender man who felt very professional energy-wise. He had an agenda and it was obvious. Though much of the dream is hazy now, our conversation is memorable enough to recall our discussion.

In the room there was a table and chair. I sat at the chair resting an elbow on the table. The man stayed standing and paced back and forth slowly while he spoke with me. It had the feel of a presentation or a sales pitch. 

While the man spoke with me there were visuals in my mind acting as a telepathic slideshow. I saw myself traveling through the U.S. and with this came the message: “share your story”. My reaction was to ask, “Why would I want to do that? No one wants to hear what I have to say.”

There were memories then of the time before I was married and started my family. This was a time of great excitement as I practiced my new-found abilities. He was asking me “Why not?”, suggesting I return to what once filled me with a sense of purpose and success. I recalled that time so long ago and, though it was an exciting time, the end result left me feeling exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

My responses to his suggestions were: 1. there is little evidence my spiritual gifts still exist, 2. I have lost interest, 3. I was unsuccessful and could not/would not be able to make a living doing it, 4. I am no longer “special” in my experiences so why would anyone be interested in hearing “my story”?, 5. I am invisible but if I put myself out there and make myself visible that sets me up for judgement, criticism, rejection, and more. My final thought to him was, “I would rather be invisible than for others to notice me and then reject and/or mock me.”

He had a reply to all my points. 1. You do still have gifts. 2. Then get interested again. 3. You have the money and resources now and do not need the income, so what does it matter if you can make a living doing it? 4. You will always be special. 5. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without risk. 

He was not taking no for an answer and it felt similar to my recent dreams – pressured; energetically authoritative. The energy of our interaction ultimately woke me but the conversation did not end.

His kept pushing and I told him, “I don’t want to be awake. I was sleeping so nicely. I want to sleep forever. Why did you have to wake me up? I don’t want to talk/dream about this. I would rather dream about something else…flying, Kundalini…no, not the K, it will wake me up…something pleasurable, though.” 

Ultimately, I fell back to sleep but not after a bit more pushing from this masculine energy. He insists that I tell my story. Maybe I am misunderstanding what he means by “story”? I really don’t think my story will be interesting to the vast majority of people sleepwalking on this planet. The only thing of interest to me now is the Kundalini so why do my dreams indicate that I should reconsider mediumship? It just doesn’t make any sense. 

Dream Date

Ironically, when I returned to sleep I was given something “pleasurable” to distract me. In the dream I was preparing for a date with one of my husband’s Mexican friends. This man is middle aged, short and has a huge belly. He is also not very good at speaking English. The entire time I am getting ready – hair and make-up – I am thinking of this man and how very unattractive he is. 

A voice in my mind is trying to get me to consider the man in a different light. They want me to look past his outward appearance and look at his inner light. I do see it but the physical is just too unattractive and overshadows everything else.

When he arrives I am not quite ready and linger in the bathroom trying to find items my daughter has put in the wrong places. I remember noticing some acne lesions on my forehead suddenly appearing and working diligently to cover them up. I also remember my hair was still wet but the hair dryer is tangled in cords of other hair devices and I give up trying to dry my hair. Eventually, I decide I don’t want to go on the date. 

The scene shifts with my decision and I am in a bedroom. There is a large bed with a tent over the top. A couple is inside having sex but they are covered in blankets. I watch, intrigued, especially about the tent set-up. Something about watching them sparks the K slightly but just a warm energy and, of course, I wake up. Once awake, I realize that this guide gave me what I asked for (kind of) but our conversation is still on my mind as if to say, “Now, let’s continue.” My answer was/is, “No. Not interested.”

Even as I type this the message “share your story” is going through my mind. I just cannot fathom traveling the country sharing of myself in that way. It is so far outside my reality and comfort zone that it seems ludicrous. I mean, currently at least, I pretty much hate people and avoid them as much as possible. lol Beside, who would want to hear my story anyway? And what “story” is it that I should share? 

by

Dream: Dark Spirit

In the middle of reading a book I heard, very clearly, “It will be over soon.” No connection remained after so there was no reply when I asked, “What will?”

My best guess is the message was referring to my sciatica pain, which despite feeling 80% better, returns in the evenings down the back of my left thigh. If not that, then who knows? There are many things that could end. Everything changes all the time. Endings are part of the cycle of life.

Not long after the message I read a paragraph in my book that caught my attention. It was a description of telepathy and how, once you’ve experienced it, the sound of words is almost painful as is the waiting patiently for the words to complete. 

From “Thrive” by Kenneth Oppel

The book is not one I would normally read. It is on the middle school reading list and my oldest son chose it to do his summer reading project. After reading the first book in the trilogy, he told me he wanted to read the other two. Intrigued because he usually hates reading, I decided to read the books, too. They are quite enjoyable and I feel no shame in reading a book written for youth. I’ve read many such books in my 13+ years of teaching – The Giver, the Twilight Trilogy, the Shadow and Bone Trilogy and The Hunger Games, etc. All great books, BTW.

My dreams continue to be memorable and varied. 

Dream: Dark Spirit

I was with someone walking along a residential street. We came upon a house that had a glass wall in the front yard perpendicular to the sidewalk. Beyond the wall was an empty pool with a slide angling down below the foundation of the house. 

We met the owner who said she was in the process of repairing the pool. I recall either going into the pool or watching someone do so. I followed the slide down into the house where it ended in the living area. The entire house had slides between rooms, most not water slides. This concept delighted me. How wonderful to slide your way from room to room.

Sitting in the living area with the woman and some others, the subject of mediumship was brought up. It felt like I was being asked to do a reading for the woman. So, I gave her the info of the woman in Spirit who was with her. I can’t recall the info now but it was very specific. The woman was pleased and indicated it was the individual she was seeking. 

From this point the dream gets energetically darker. The woman in Spirit began to act strangely and became quite forceful with her telepathic communication with me. It escalated quickly despite my asking Spirit to back down. The others in the room began to look fearful because they also noticed the shift. It became clear to me that this Spirit was not who she claimed.

I put protection around myself while ordering the Spirit to leave. This woke me up and I put protection around myself as I lay in bed, just in case. Mediumship has been coming up in my dreams quite a bit lately and one woman in Spirit had been quite persistent. 

No Good or Bad, Just Experience

It occurred to me that perhaps there had been Spirit interfering with my life, purposefully trying to shake the boat in whatever way they could. How many messages, dreams, and experiences have been the result of such encounters? And then I considered perhaps some in Spirit were actually assigned with the task of shaking things up, pranking those in human bodies to purposefully make this experience more challenging. It was/is very likely this is the case. 

Considering there is really no “good or bad”, just experience, and what I have been told in the past, it is very possible that our “guides” are being “naughty” in exactly the way we have requested. This life experience is just a theatrical performance; a game with assigned roles, setting, storyline and plot. I have been told on many occasions, especially when feeling overwhelmed by guilt for being “bad”, that helping others does not always mean playing the role of the “good guy”. It can also be doing something otherwise considered “bad” at the request of the other. These “bad” experiences help them learn and evolve and, in this way, we are helping them and fulfilling a “contract”. 

Rather than be upset that I have most likely been on the receiving end of many such pranks, I just sighed and returned to sleep. What can I do about it except smile and see the humor in it all? It does me no good to be overly serious.

by

Dream: Invisible Me

Weird dreams last night. At least I have decent recall, which has not been the case for many months now.

Dream: Camping in Montana

I was lying on the ground with another woman sharing a blanket. Someone mentioned that there were mosquitoes and the blanket was too small to protect two people from their bites in the night. I repositioned the blanket and sure enough there wasn’t enough blanket to cover us both head-to-toe. I suggested we go into town the buy another one. The reply was that nothing would be open so late. I said, “Wal-Mart will be. They stay open until 11.” They looked surprised and I heard back, “You’re right, it is.” This is when I realized I had been talking to a man and woman. They left and when I got up to join them, they suggested I stay. I snuggled up under the blanket which covered me completely and went to sleep. 

While asleep I dreamed another dream in which I was sorting through some old boxes of things – memories and stuff saved over the years. I found old drawings I had created as part of contest submissions. They were pretty good with explanations of what inspired the drawings. I set them in the “keep” pile and I tossed a bunch of things that I did not want. Some items were my daughter’s supplies to make arts and crafts. I showed her a box full of her supplies – beads, yarn, booklets, unfinished creations. She happily took the stuff intending to finish some of what she started.

I was awakened by the return of the two who had gone to buy a blanket. The man tossed an oversized, button-up work shirt at me. He said, “Granddaddy said you can use this.” They hadn’t gone to the store but stopped to check if family had anything. I  wondered why they hadn’t just picked up a spare sleeping bag.

I took the large, gray shirt and saw it was more than big enough to protect me from biting mosquitoes. I thought of my grandfather briefly, remembering how much I loved him and missed him.

Everyone settled down to sleep for the night. I covered my top half with the oversized shirt and the man and woman snuggled up using most of the blanket but left me enough to cover my bottom half. For some reason I had in my hand a small vibrating object. I turned it on and it was quite loud. Not wanting to wake anyone, I turned it off but it still made a noise. I took it apart and it still made noise. I didn’t know why and was quite embarrassed but no one seemed to care.

The man to my left moved closer to me. I could feel his intention to initiate sex with me. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to sleep. Then I felt a velvety soft object shoved into my mouth. It was so wide that it barely fit and I felt somewhat gagged by it despite trying to accommodate it. I put my hand on it to investigate. The object was very obviously the man’s penis. What was odd was its size. It was wide but extremely nubby, like just a few inches tall and wide.

The man withdrew his penis and moved away laughing and looking over at me. The sense I got from him was that I was “the new woman” in the group and therefore he wanted to play with me (more like it as I felt like an object). He stood up and yelled at someone on the other side of me. This is when I noticed another couple. The other man stood up. He was wearing a plaid shirt and had a mustache. The man next to me told the other man, “It’s your turn”, and walked away.

I looked over at the other man. His energy was more pleasant and kind. I could sense he did not think of me as an object. He made no move in my direction. He just stared at me with compassion.

By this time the other women in the group were waking up and the sun was rising. I noticed a large oak tree that I hadn’t seen before was in the middle of our camp. My focus shifted to the man in plaid who was talking to me about Montana politics. I remember telling him that I had lived in Montana before so I knew very well what it was like. I mentioned living in the city, though, and not in small town, rural Montana. I also told him I loved it there but left because of the harsh winters. I reiterated that I hated the winters. 

One of the woman in the group was being very friendly with me. She had short, boy-cut blonde hair and was quite petite. She began to climb up into the oak tree. Seeing her up the tree, I followed, climbing quickly, racing to get higher up in the tree. I stood above her smiling down at her as if saying, “I win!” The energy between us felt playful. 

Dream: Invisible Me

This dream occurred early in the morning hours. 

I was at the monthly financial planning meeting for our company sitting at a table with the others in attendance. To my left was a young boy who I didn’t recognize. I felt very unprepared for the meeting since I had no memory of having it on my schedule. 

Across from me was the old CFO. She was running the meeting, which was suppose to be my job. I said nothing and just sat there letting her take charge and feeling useless. The boy next to me grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. I said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I’ve been sick.” He gave me a horrified looked and put the bottle down. This is when I noticed the top was closed. I laughed and said, “Good thing it’s closed. You took a sip thinking it was yours out of habit didn’t you?” He nodded.  

When the meeting adjourned we all left together. We approached a black SUV with super dark tinted windows. On the ground in front of the SUV, as if someone had dropped it, were two objects. One was a black eye patch. I almost reached down to get it but left it there and climbed into the back of the SUV.

Inside I felt very awkward. I couldn’t see out the windows and it was extremely dark inside. Sitting across from me looking out the window was my friend from high school. I was excited to see her and said something casually to her, something witty to make her laugh. She completely ignored me. I felt invisible and became acutely aware that I had something on my forehead. Again, I said something to my friend. She turned momentarily, gave me an annoyed look, and stared back out the window. This time I felt humiliated, small and insignificant. Again I felt something stuck to my forehead. Annoyed, I put my hand to my forehead to get whatever it was off of it. It peeled off like a huge sticker. I saw clearly that it was a used sanitary pad.

I remember thinking how sad it was that even with something so gross and horrifying on my forehead I was still invisible to everyone. They were happy to talk at me and expected I listen intently to them, but when I spoke to them, they didn’t hear me. Looking at the used sanitary napkin in my hand, I realized I had a lot in common with it. 

I began to cry and woke up with tears slowly trickling out of my eyes. 

Invisible

Trying to return to sleep, I lay in bed contemplating my dream. I concluded that it was probably best I speak as little to others as possible. What is the point of speaking when I am not heard or seen? Besides, most people react to my voice in a negative way anyway. I’ve had people flinch from the sound of my voice. I’ve been told to “stop yelling” despite speaking as softly as I can. The annoyance I often feel from people is exactly like the feeling I had in the above dream. From the first dream I think mosquito = annoyance = how most people feel about me.

I thought of the Montana dream and how I was perceived as an object to be used and tried on like a new pair of shoes. It felt true, especially of the men who I’ve been in relationships with in this lifetime. They are intrigued by me, want to try me out, and then grow bored with their new toy when I do not provide them with whatever it is they are seeking. Some keep me around out of some kind of extreme loyalty or sense that it is the “right thing to do”, but the reality is they aren’t interested in me when the shine wears off. So often in relationships I feel unseen and unheard. When I speak, my words seem to cut into the other no matter how much I try and soften them, either that or they don’t hear anything. 

I thought back to years ago when an old acquaintance met me for lunch. She was far from home and invited me, which was a surprise to me. She had never liked me. In fact, she told me outright I made her uncomfortable and she was suspicious of my motives. I never quite understood why she felt this way and then to invite me to lunch? Very odd. 

The entire meal I was anxious because I was going through a rough patch in my life. I don’t remember what we talked about specifically now but I believe she advised me on my difficulties. In reflecting on that memory, I suspect my aura made her uncomfortable. She probably thought I could perceive something she wanted kept hidden. I didn’t, but then I never looked. She has never contacted me again, which is okay, but I feel bad that she distrusted me. I can’t help it. It feels like I did something wrong just by being who I am and that is a feeling I’ve had my entire life. 

I concluded that the best thing for me to do is stay clear of other people as much as possible. If I have to be around others, then I should speak as little as possible and only at their request.

I cried a lot on my morning walk because of these dreams. It hurts to be invisible.

by

Dream Encounter: Mediumship Request

Good news! My sciatica is not bothering me anymore. In fact, yesterday, after waking up stiff with a little pain in my hip, I went on my morning walk as usual. Afterwards I felt wonderful. No pain or stiffness at all! This lasted throughout the entire day until around 9pm when some pain/stiffness returned. I did do a workout for the lower body but was very careful what exercises I selected. For example, I did one wall sit and it began to aggravate my hip so I stopped. Any exercise where I bend at the waist is a no-go.

The end of the pain brought my spirits up quite a bit. I was laughing and joking around at dinner. Lately, by dinner time, the pain is bothering me enough that I am a bit cranky. 

In researching the stages of sciatica from a herniated disc (which is what I think I have) I learned that the stiffness stage is the last one. So, the end is in sight! I was worried I would have this pain for the rest of my life. It is doable but super annoying and not something I want to live with!

In considering what led me to this pain, I had the incident in June that, at the time, I think aggravated my sacroiliac joint. I was doing cable squats with a light weight and decided to go ATG (ass to ground). Well, I felt an odd sensation in my lower back/sacrum. It was mild and more like something shifted or popped. The rest of my workout went fine but the next two days I suffered from such bad pain in my sacrum that I had to lay on a heating pad to find any relief. 

The pain didn’t last long and then vanished. I returned to my workouts but did mostly body weight and cardio circuits. My research said to lay off the weight bearing exercises, so I did. This strategy worked and I was able to return to weight bearing exercises – perhaps too soon. 

This pain began similarly to before with pain across my sacrum but then moved from right side to left side and then down my leg, etc. It has been around 7 weeks since the initial pain started, which is right around the time my research indicated sciatica pain lasts. I am relieved. I am still going to take it easy, just in case. I don’t want another flare up.

If I go back to when I returned from Costa Rica in 2021 then I can see that I Knew that I needed to slow down in terms of weight bearing activity. I had decided to sell off most of my gym equipment but then changed my mind out of sheer boredom of not having anything to do with the long stretches of time in my daily schedule. I should’ve sold off the squat rack and cable machine like I had planned. I wouldn’t have injured my S5/L1, the area of my back my research indicated I most likely injured. 

I probably won’t sell off the gym equipment anytime soon because I am not motivated to do so at this time. My motivation is just low in general these days.

Dream Encounter: Mediumship Request

I have been sleeping very deeply and having lots of dreams. Most I just toss upon waking rather than try and interpret. There was one last night that caught my attention, though. The dream is hazy except for a few parts where I gained lucidity. 

Lucidity peaked suddenly when I began to experience hypnagogia. My vision filled with an intensely bright, white light. The light strobed from dim to brighter and seemed like it was trying to pull me out-of-body. I recognized the cues despite there being no vibration. At first I was eager to follow the light and then I unexpectedly changed my mind. I remember saying, “No. I don’t want this.” The light stopped and I sensed a presence near me.

The presence I sensed was a woman in spirit requesting that I pass on a message to her sister for her. She had recently passed away and wanted to reassure her sister that she was okay. I think she and her sister were identical twins because I recall her showing me what her sister looked like and then looking to the Spirit and noticing they looked the same. What I saw was a fairly young woman (20s-30s) with blonde hair and somewhat angular features. The woman’s spirit was transparent and very bright white. The light was radiating off of her. She was so bright one might easily misidentify her as an angel, but I didn’t. I knew she was Spirit.

Ultimately, I told the woman in spirit I wasn’t interested. She persisted and I began to feel crowded and pressured. She wouldn’t go away. Eventually I communicated that she needed to go and surrounded myself in protection, asking to be surrounded by my guides and angels. She finally got the message and departed. I woke up briefly thinking it odd and fell back to sleep.

In considering the dream encounter, it is odd to me that I would reject the experience like I did. I am guessing either I sensed something was “off” or I have just completely lost interest in mediumship – or both. 

Spirit can be very persistent to the point of putting uncomfortable feelings and emotions on me in an attempt to get me to pass on messages to their loved ones still in bodies. I’ve had some get extremely pushy like this one. The end result is that I effectively cut them off by blocking them from my energy. It’s one thing to ask for help and another to try and force it. Attempts like that will NOT be tolerated. 

I feel for the woman in Spirit, though. If she is indeed an identical twin, then the bond would be such that the her twin is likely suffering a huge loss, one that potentially could lead to her ending her life prematurely. I hope this isn’t the case. Since I do not know of any twins in my waking life, there is really nothing I can do without the living twin first contacting me. 

Theme: Mating 

I am still enjoying my new 15x macro lens for my Iphone. In a previous post I shared some of my photos. Some were of stink bugs mating. Well, last night I found two moths mating in my pantry. lol Add that to the encounter with the couple having sex in their car (twice) and it seems like mating is a theme, perhaps conveying a message.

The stink bugs could be a message that something “stinks” and often symbolizes protection and seeing what was previously unseen. Moths are symbolic of shadow work, hidden knowledge and transformation. 

The issue with the couple appears to have been handled. I’ve not seen them since the last time so I can only assume the police caught up with them. I am further convinced this is the case because I’ve seen random police SUVs patrolling our neighborhood. 

I’ve not figured out the message of this theme yet. It could be shadow work occurring at unconscious levels. I will leave it at that for now. 

Here’s the moth couple. 😉

by

Dream: I’ll Fly Away

The last six weeks have been odd energy-wise and otherwise. Ever since I had Covid mid-July I’ve been dealing with odd, sciatica-like pain that migrates from one location in my hip/leg area to another and a lowered immune system. All last week I struggled to sleep, as did my oldest son, and we both came down with the same thing. So, I am currently getting over a nasty head cold (no not Covid), but at least now I am sleeping!

The major issue has been a pain in the butt (and leg). The pain started out as sacroiliac pain. Then it migrated to my right side and down my leg/ankle which lasted only a few days. Then the pain just went to above my knee. I had a friend do distance healing which got rid of the pain on the right side but then it migrated to the left side!

The pain is not severe, just super annoying. I can do all the things I need/want to do. In the mornings it is practically non-existent but by night time it is at its worst. I would say a 5 out of 10 with 10 being the worst pain ever. Usually I am just more careful with how I get up or sit down as that is the only time it hurts. Once I am in bed, it goes away and by morning it is gone except for a little tightness.

It definitely muscular. Thinking it is a tight piriformis putting pressure on the sciatic nerve. So, I have been doing frequent stretching and yoga.

All this happened right around my birthday. So I guess old age has finally found me. Sigh.

For the past week I’ve been asking for healing before bed. I’ve had some odd dreams, too! In one I was going down straw-like tunnels into rooms below ground. The first couple of tunnels were like water slides without water. I eventually came into a room where there was a birthday party celebration. I was offered hamburgers and hotdogs but I wanted to keep going. I was shown where I would need to go next. It was a similar tube “slide” but it went up for a bit and twisted around back down. I took one look and said, “I’m not doing that. I’ll just stay right here.” A voice said to me as I began to wake up, “All you have to do is let go of control.” I woke up thinking the tubes were the meridians of my energy body. One of them is a hum dinger and very scary! lol

So far, the healing has not been physical.

Below is what I got last night when I asked for healing.

Dream: Stop Running

I was walking and suddenly there appeared next to me a man. He put out his hand and I reached for it. I knew who it was. We walked together holding hands for a short distance and then he let go and began to run. I followed after, yelling at him to stop. I noticed he was struggling to breathe, taking huge gasps of air and losing strength for lack of oxygen. When I caught up to him I pushed on his back as I said, “Stop running and breathe. Take deep breaths, like this…” I demonstrated deep breathing, urging him to breathe with me. 

He lurched upward and took off running again, throwing me off his back. I ran after him, urging him to stop and breathe. He slowed, tired. Eventually he collapsed to the ground. Again I asked him to breathe and demonstrated. He lay there, exhausted, and breathed with me. 

As we breathed together I remember feeling his body relax. I was pressed up against him, hugging him from behind holding his hand. We talked about how he needed to stop running. I remember just laying with him for a long time, breathing in sync. Somehow I ended up under him. I only know this because when I let go of his hand and reached around him to hug him I could feel the sway of his back. I lifted up his shirt and slowly brushed his skin. It was warm and felt very real, not like a dream at all. I could feel him do the same to me. I could feel him breathing with me, relaxing, and could sense his exhaustion.

We lay together like this for a while, talking. I don’t recall what we talked about but I do remember crying.

Our conversation eventually morphed into a dream. One minute I was laying with him, the next I was in a dream about some contest. The winners had been announced with prize money awarded. I only recall that I walked around looking at various people I didn’t know as I talked with him. Then I heard him say, “I could use the money”. It felt like he was financially strapped. I woke up, eyes still wet from tears. 

Dream: I’ll Fly Away

When I woke I was sad. I lingered in bed a while, thinking of how I should’ve or could’ve done things differently but knowing they happened just as they were meant to happen. 

When I returned to sleep I was surrounded by my family. My grandmother (deceased) was there as well as others both living and long dead. I don’t remember what we did, only that, at the end of the dream, I went into my bathroom and began to brush my hair. I remember looking at myself and smiling as I brushed my hair. I looked like I do now but my hair was a bit darker and my face younger. I felt very peaceful.

As I brushed I sang a familiar gospel song: 

Some glad morning when this life is o’er,
I’ll fly away;
To a home on God’s celestial shore,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

I’ll fly away, Oh Glory
I’ll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

I sang the song different than normal, putting my own spin on it. I woke up after I finished singing it, wondering what my grandmother would think of it. 

In a past life, one where I died in 1963, this song was sung to me on my deathbed by my loving family. I flew away from this cold, harsh world, the voices of my loved ones lifting me up to heaven. 

by

Emotional Dream: Rebuild

Had healing dreams last night and woke up in tears from one. I’m not really surprised because I asked for healing prior to sleep and also asked what I needed to do.

Dream: Rebuild

I don’t remember many details now except that I was walking down a hallway with someone who was holding my hand. The hallway was brightly lit with a main wall to my right that was so high I could not see the top. The wall had a massive screen upon it that seemed not to have an end to it.

My companion and I were in deep conversation about my experiences with my heart connection. The words we spoke translated into songs in the dream and I could hear the music and the lyrics, though both are lost to memory now. To my right the screen played images and shed a golden light upon us.

The song spoke of how broken I felt inside, of the utter destruction of my heart. The visual of a forest that had been destroyed from above is prominent, the trees nothing but burned stumps of various heights, the ground scorched, the sky grey. Tears streamed down my face as the song and imagery played through my entire Beingness. The desolation within re-experienced yet again, as if to remind me there is no way to hide. 

The song spoke of letters being written. I remember hearing the word “letters” distinctly. The communication between parts, both within and without, was my understanding. I was reminded of the past and all the communication between us. I had saved all the emails only to one day find them all deleted and irretrievable. 

The love I felt returned to me. I remember saying, “I’ve never loved someone like that.” It was so clear, so obvious, so completely correct. At the time it felt like my entire purpose in this human body and lifetime was to experience that love. So when it became clear I was wrong, that everything I felt to be true was false, it decimated my heart.

The song continued and blended into another. The song, “Angel” came to mind in the dream, though the melodies and lyrics did not match. 

I asked a question about what could be done. It was clear from the visual of the destruction that there was no way to recover what had been lost. The answer I had upon waking was “rebuild” or “rebirth”, the two seemed as one word. In other words, I would have to start from scratch.

Considerations

Upon waking I had to wipe the tears from my eyes repeatedly. I couldn’t stop crying and even when I returned to sleep I would awaken from a wet pillow. 

There were other dreams in the night but none so emotional as this one. Since it was at the beginning of the night, by morning the emotion and desolated feeling are now undetectable. 

I vaguely recall talking about the path to rebuilding my shattered heart. It was only through love that it could be healed. Divine Love. The very love that I desire but also fear and dread. 

“Angel“

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here