Category Archives: Messages

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Reviewing my HD Chiron Return Recording

Listened to the recording of my HD Chiron Return reading last night. 

The first thing that caught my attention was my voice. It was hard to listen to; grating. Is this what I sound like to people right now? Geez! I immediately felt bad for the 5/1 Mental Projector giving me the reading. I was often talking more than her. I recognized this came from a sense of desperation, from a severe lack of being invited to speak my mind while another listens and gives me space. It has been so long since my voice/perspective has been genuinely requested by another and the result was this not-self version of my voice. 

The good thing is that I noticed the grating of my voice lessened at certain times. If I was coming from a place of my not-self it was more intense and grating, hard to listen to. If I was coming from a place of genuine Knowing, or my G center (heart in regular chakra terms), then my voice was much smoother. My voice has never been something I like to hear, just because it sounds so different from how it sounds from within, but hearing this recording screamed/demanded recognition. True recognition isn’t demanded, it is gifted. 

Regardless, I listened past the tone of my voice and tried to focus on what the analyst was saying. I wish I had given her more space to do her job. I don’t like appearing super needy. I’ve actually accused (been accusing) my ex of this more times than I can count. Now I recognize that criticism of him was a hidden revelation of self. 

Thankfully the analyst recognized that I, as a SPP, needed to be asked specific questions in order to pull out the wisdom I don’t know I have. Her questions revealed exactly what lies ahead, my path and purpose clearly stated by myself more than once. She also reminded me of my purpose via her knowledge of my chart. Everything is in the chart/bodygraph. Spotting past decisions in the chart is easier than predicting future ones, though. For example, she showed me where, during my Uranus Opposition, there was fixed condition in my personality earth – Gate 1: The Creative, line 3, the energy to sustain creative work:

(Detriment) Material forces can disrupt creativity and lead to overambition. Materialism disrupts creativity.

This part of my personality impacted my decision to wait until the right time to leave my husband. In my previous marriage, I gave up material gain and later regretted it. The next four years I was hindered by the need to make money and survive. I decided I didn’t want this to happen again, so I waited until the right time and gathered resources while I waited. The resources I gathered and acquired via the divorce ensured I would not be hindered by material concerns. The analyst said that this decision set in motion events leading to the present. My Chiron chart shows evidence of this preparation as well: Gate 14. 

The gate is called Prosperity. In the traditional Chinese translation, it’s called Possession In Great Measure. It’s a gateway of harvesting. An effort is made, implemented, and the result is you reap the results of your labor. It’s very specific how this all takes place. And it says there is a knack in learning to embody genuine ease in situations involving resources of property, wealth, and affluence. 

I have line 2 which states that I recognize I need help to acquire this wealth. It also (detriment) can be that I think I can do it all on my own without anyone’s help. In my case, I recognized that I needed my ex and his business to create wealth and that I needed his agreement to accumulate some for myself. I was able to get his agreement and so succeeded. 

There were other instances of this but this was the most mind-blowing, IMO. The analyst agreed. 

Towards the end we got to my life beyond the Chiron Return and what that will look like. If I make it through this gauntlet I will be a completely new person. Somehow the question about how that might look to me came up. My response was that I believed I came here to help and so, based upon how my life has played out thus far, I believe my next “life” will involve a significant romantic relationship. My life thus far, my purpose and direction, has been via my romantic relationships. I help them and when I am done I move on. This next relationship must be just right. There will be no settling or accepting anything less than what I want. I mentioned I believe it will be a K-Connection and we will work together with that connection. I told her the connection is a necessity because I will not accept anything else. The Divine Love and Oneness I experienced has made normal, human, transactional love repellant to me. The exact “work” we will do together didn’t come up but it will be related to the Kundalini in some way.

The analyst brought up how, in HD, the solar plexus is going through a transformation and is shifting from an energy center to an awareness center. The transactional love humans experience here is “foreign” (perhaps implanted to hinder our evolution) and is on its way out. Part of this transition can already be seen. Love will be a whole new experience after 2027 but the transition will be gradual. She believes I might be here to be an example of what love is suppose to be pointing to my cross (purpose) during the Chiron, the Right Angle Cross of Contagion.

Finally, I said some things that helped bring clarity to my current situation. I had an interview on Friday and was not sure if I wanted to take the job if offered. Part of me does but another part of me doesn’t. I stated during my reading that I should “walk away” from my life, but am struggling with leaving my kids behind as it would be considered “abandoning” them. I suggested I take a long cruise or trip that kept me away 6-12 months and let the cards fall where they may while I’m gone. I even mentioned that, while I don’t know what will take me away for that length of time, I do feel that timing is key. Something will come along at the right time that will feel correct and I will leave. 

How does this relate to my current situation? Well, when listening to my own Knowing on the recording, I recognized working at a school was not what I want to do and doing so would only repeat old patterns that no longer serve me. I don’t need to work, so why not take this time to work on me and enjoy not working? When I had this realization my guide came forward and held out his hand. He asked me if I was ready and reminded me I had help and was not alone. There was a Knowing with his request that taking his hand meant making some difficult changes, not just in life decisions but in myself. Change takes time, especially change that involves breaking unhealthy habits (weak boundaries, accepting the wrong invitations regularly, being a people pleaser, giving into others requests/demands despite it not being correct for me, etc.) I took his hand and burst into tears.

I was able to get a glimpse of the future me. I recognized her. I’ve been her before. I AM her. I just have to clear the cobwebs and debris from my life so her light can shine as brightly as intended.

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Pandora Sphinx Moth

Yesterday, after another particularly rough day, I took a walk and cried as I walked. This is becoming my new norm. Walk, walk, cry sometimes, cry some more, walk. Often my thoughts are chaotic and this time was no different. 

One part of me was thinking of retreating not just away from people but into myself. This is my go-to when I feel overwhelmed. I don’t reach out, I don’t seek help or communicate with others. I’ve been judged, belittled and rejected too many times. All I want to do is return to my cabin in nature and never come out. The problem is that, without something to do, without some purpose or plan, retreat feels poisonous.  

The other part of me sees my situation as an opportunity to return to myself – the me who wants to help, who sees the good in others and is capable of pouring herself into meaningful work. 

The me who retreats is terrified of the unknown and taking that leap that could potentially lead me back to myself. The fear is debilitating and is keeping me stuck. IDK how to push past it.

When I returned home from my walk I noticed a large moth clinging to the brick facade. I immediately recognized it to be a sphinx moth. When I looked it up it turned out to be a Pandora Sphinx Moth. 

Pandora – 

The meaning of the Pandora myth is roughly this: human beings are endowed (Pandora = pan-dora = ‘all-gifted’) with a mind and soul that is like a treasure house of riches and fine jewels. However when we stray from the path of humility and holiness, and instead allow our thinking to be dominated by ruminations about the future or past, we unleash myriad woes in the form of intrusive thoughts and negative emotions. 

Pandora’s box released the world’s evils but also released the antidote to that evil: Hope.

Sphinx moth – 

Symbolizes transformation, profound change, and navigating the darkness with grace and wisdom. Its life cycle embodies personal growth and spiritual awakening, while its appearance can signify a time for letting go of old ways to embrace new knowledge. The moth’s nocturnal nature also connects it to the spiritual world, representing a yearning for truth, clarity, and purpose as it seeks light in the dark.

I held the moth for a time and then let it go in the backyard near the grapevine it most likely lived on as a caterpillar. When I checked later in the evening it had flown away. It’s visit not lost on me, I was immediately calmed and my upset lessened.

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From 6/2 SPP to 2/4 Emotional Projector

Being this emotional is exhausting. I don’t know how emotionally defined people do it! I get that I am now an emotional projector because of my Chiron Return but this is for the birds. I can’t go one day without breaking into tears. Stupid stuff makes me cry but so does the other, deeper stuff. And the anger and other emotions that come up are not only surprising but scary at times. I want to act on how I feel and, though I know not to, have done a few things I later regretted.

For example, my ex put $8200 on one of my credit cards without my permission so I reported it as fraud. He retaliated by asking the other owners of the business to fire me, which they did but I was able to negotiate myself a couple more weeks of work plus cash out my 3 weeks pay in exchange for training my replacement. So, I was forced to quit because I opted to act during one of my emotional waves rather than wait it out. C’est la vie.

It is very real to me now how the emotional wave works. I’ve read about it and have seen it in others (my daughter and youngest son) but to actually experience it is a whole new ballgame. 

So, during this transit my normal bodygraph (left) is influenced by the bodygraph of the transit (right), which, in this case, is a 2/4 Emotional Projector. I am still a SPP but with the added bonus of having a defined root and solar plexus. The combined charts, however, give you a better idea of what is going on.

Talk about an entirely new person! Woah. It helps explain what I’ve been going through, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I really would like to go back to normal me, now, please. That me felt safer, more familiar and less overwhelmed. I like being able to turn my emotion on and off at will. 

There is a lot of info in these bodygraphs and I don’t have time or really any interest in diving deep into all of it. What stands out to me, though, is the Educational Channel – Recognition (30-41). This is the channel that I gain during the transit, it is the only channel of the 2/4 Projector. Thus, it is the likely source of all this emotion and all my imaginings of possible future paths. 

This channel represents the energy of setting intentions and feeling deeply about life. You’re designed to carry the potential for manifesting desires by identifying what truly matters and then channeling your passion toward making those experiences come to life.​

Gate 30 (The Clinging Fire): You bring the intensity of feelings and the fire of desire into all that you pursue. Your passion helps you commit to your intentions with devotion, giving you the drive to overcome challenges and pursue what you truly want. 

Gate 41 (The Fantasy): You have a natural ability to envision possibilities and dream about what could be. This gate represents the seed of new desires and the beginning of emotional cycles that help you initiate new experiences in your life. 

Together, these gates empower you to pursue dreams with focus and intensity, inspiring others to follow their own heartfelt desires. You’re here to recognize the desires that are truly aligned with your purpose and to follow your inner fire to make those dreams a reality. Source

The issue is that I am struggling to see any ideal future path for myself. None of the paths truly call to me. I understand that is because all the data is not there just yet but it is frustrating to not feel that familiar feeling in my G center that says the path is the correct one for me. Instead, all I feel is crazy emotion and that emotion makes it hard to see/sense/feel my internal compass.

For example, I see the path of retreating to my new country home and using that time to heal and sort out what I want. The issue with this path is I feel it would be unwise to spend too much time alone right now. I am struggling with the emotion that insists on overwhelming me. I know to let it pass, to ride the wave, but when done, I feel exhausted. There are moments of clarity and relief at the end of the wave but they are short lived. Then another wave starts and it happens all over again.

Then there is the path of finding work so that I have something to keep me occupied whilst going through this hellish, emotional ride. I run into the two me’s issue here: the me who is ready to experience anything and the me who is just wants to curl up in a ball and give up. I’ve been working-from-home for nearly 8 years. I’ve grown use to that schedule and I like it. The idea of going back to a 9-5 is not appealing and I push the thought away only to get a nudge from within reminding me that once, not too long ago, I enjoyed work, even looked forward to it. And yes, it was a 9-5.

The other day, on whim, while I was feeling hopeful and positive (rare these days), I decided I would fill out an application to be a substitute school counselor in the school district my children attend. There was a sense at the back of my mind that doing so would open a pandora’s box so to speak (this links to another experience I’ll share in a later post). Meaning, it was very, very likely this seemingly minor decision would result in a job opportunity.

Sure enough, two days later I received a phone call from a high school asking if I would consider interviewing for an open school counselor position. They wanted me to interview the next day. I reacted with “Oh, wow.” They said, “I know it’s short notice but we’re kinda desperate.” So, not sure what to do, I figured I would interview because, why not? Worse case scenario, nothing comes of it and I got to practice my interview skills which are very, very rusty.

The interview was yesterday. I did okay. I wasn’t prepared because I don’t really ever prepare, I just wing it. Usually that works for me if the job is meant for me. I did find the group who interviewed me to be friendly, their energies not unpleasant. The school itself is HUGE and that was a bit intimidating. I may have said too much in the interview and became emotional towards the end (grrrr!) so who knows what will come of it. Either I will get offered the job or I won’t. If I get offered the job I will go with what spontaneously arises from my mouth because, well I am a SPP. lol If it is a yes, then a new adventure awaits and the scared me will need a lot of consoling and hand holding.

Of course, I’ve already considered my options and if I go with yes it requires a lot of change on my part. I cannot confront the hour drive from my country home one-way every day. So, I’ll have to handle that. My ex says I can live at the family home (with him) which is a nice gesture but NOT a good idea. He is the source of most of my emotion right now and the last thing I need is to have that triggered on a daily basis. Counseling takes an emotional toil as well and I will need space alone to decompress. So, I might have to rent an apartment. It is doable but not ideal.

I had decided to not take the job if it is offered, crying over the idea of it but also crying over the idea of it not being an option. Eventually, some calm descended and I was reminded again of a time when I looked forward to going to work, felt successful and accomplished, and created meaningful, lasting relationships. That version of me is still in there somewhere. Wouldn’t it be nice to resurrect her?

Anyway, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. At this point I don’t care one way or the other.

Cycle Cross

One last thing…with my Chiron I get a new cycle cross: Right Angle Cross of Contagion. While this cross (purpose) initially sounds cringy (I thought virus when I heard it lol), it actually means that I inspire others to the point that it catches like fire.

Right Angle Cross of Contagion 2 in Human Design

Primary Energy Flow: Contribution → Possession in Great Measure – Power Skills → Desire → Perseverance

Beginning with the drive to contribute (Gate 8), this variation starts with practical impact and builds toward sustained passion.

Characteristic Traits:

  • Leads with meaningful action
  • Naturally practical approach
  • Strong resource management
  • Develops passionate commitment over time

Professional Expression:

  • Excels in resource development roles
  • Natural talent for business building
  • Effective at creating sustainable systems
  • Strong at implementing practical solutions

Relationship Dynamics:

  • Forms connections through shared goals
  • Builds relationships through practical support
  • Develops deeper emotional bonds over time
  • Maintains connections through consistent effort

Challenge Areas:

  • May appear too practical initially
  • Needs to develop emotional expression
  • Can struggle with showing enthusiasm early on
  • Must learn to balance practicality with passion

Life Purpose:

This variation is designed to create change through practical contribution first, building passionate commitment through proven success. They are the “foundation builders” who develop sustainable enthusiasm. Source

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Safety is an Illusion

My guides were talking to me again last night. This time it came from me wondering about an off feeling I was having. I couldn’t put my finger on it and as my mind drifted to how my life had had fallen apart in such a short amount of time. The song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down” was on my mind weeks prior, specifically the part, “But losing everything feels like the sun going down on me”. I wondered back then what I would lose, well I know now. 

Back during my heart connection days the same message came through but was with the house of cards symbolism repeating. Funny enough, the house of cards message recently reappeared. I also recently heard from my guidance, “Life is fragile”. I took from these reminders, along with others I will not mention now because of how numerous they are, that safety is an illusion and we build up our lives in a certain way so that it feels and appears safe. In this illusory safety we live out our lives happily unaware of just how easily it could all fall apart.

I am especially guilty of attempting to guarantee some sense of safety in my life. I struggle with uncertainty, but the reality is the only thing that is certain is death. The rest is akin to an imaginary safety net we alone are responsible for constructing.

All of these thoughts resulted in me recognizing how I created the exact situation I am experiencing now out of a desperate attempt to feel safe. I constructed my life, from my marriage to my job to my choice of friends and acquaintances, in an attempt to feel some semblance of safety. I lived a life that was not mine. I chose to become someone who fit into another’s life because that other seemed to have what I did not – safety, acceptance, purpose, love. I did this with all my relationships and it dictated the path I took in life and led me to exactly this place. A place of uncertainty and confusion brought on by the sudden implosion of everything my identity was build upon. 

Interesting enough, this path, the crumbling of my false self, was set in motion in 2016 but I chickened out and reverted to the only safety I’d ever known. The result was another ten years pretending I did the right thing even though my entire Being screamed otherwise. I opted to continue on despite the discomfort and that discomfort slowly turned into intolerance to the point of bitterness. I began to imagine my life as it is now. I didn’t recognize the potency of my intention at that time.

The loss was unbearable at first and the confusion extreme. This excerpt from the book, “While You are Healing” says it well:

the pure confusion
of loving someone who hurt you.
of wanting them to return to you,
but feeling relief when they don’t. 

But back to the conversation with my guidance…..

I had been thinking of how all those who I considered loved me, did not. All those who I considered family, never were. All those I considered friend turned on a dime. I recognized how none of this would have been so bad had I not chosen to alienate my Self for a sense of belonging and safety from a group I never once felt invited into. Instead, I attempted to invite myself. They only tolerated me because I was aligned with someone that was their family. When that someone rejected me, so too did they. 

I saw how this is my pattern. I heard, “How did that go?” The answer was me mentally rolling my eyes. I was asked if I had ever paved my own path. At first I thought I had not. No…but then I had. Prior to meeting my current husband I had. I was traveling a path I alone created. Doing what was best for me. I was working a full-time job, in the process of building my own house on family land, and, most importantly, actively following my life’s passion to help people via my psychic medium business. 

What had happened? Why did I stop? 

I met my second husband and slowly traded my identity for one more palatable to him and his family. I did this willingly. 

Why?

It was easier than following my own path. His path was safer because I could see it more clearly. My own path was cloudy and uncertain. I didn’t feel good enough nor was I brave enough to venture into the unknown. I had also tired of being alone. 

My guidance asked me how I felt when I followed my own path. Empowered. Successful. Excited. But also afraid and unsure of myself and extremely lonely. 

My guidance asked how I felt when I followed another’s path. Bitter, depressed, unhappy. But also secure and more certain. Although I wasn’t physically alone, I still felt alone.

My mind was taken to the present. Yesterday I applied to the local school district hoping to substitute teach or perhaps go back to school counseling. Why? I want the security of a job and to be closer to my children. 

But is this a decision made from Knowing that it is the right one? Or is it a decision made from a place of fear?

The second most definitely. 

Why choose it then?

Because the first is an unknown. I do not know what the right path is. It is cloudy and uncertain. I don’t like that. The other path is clear. I know what to expect and how it will play out. 

How has that worked out for you so far?

Mental eye roll again.

Perhaps it is time to be the leader of your own life rather than a follower of another’s?

I eventually accepted this message and fell asleep.

Dream: Circular Path

The dream began with me lounging around in my bed wearing pajamas, snacking and watching TV. I suddenly saw the time and knew I was super late to a wedding. The wedding was for three couples. I distinctly saw them in my mind as one from the past, one from the present and one from the future. 

I jumped up and began to ready myself, pulling on my formal attire and deciding not to bother with makeup or hair. I began to make my way to my car and realized I wouldn’t make it. I only had 4 minutes and the distance I had to travel was far. I decided to call and tell them I wasn’t coming. My mom answered. I apologized for my latelness and told her there was no way I could make it. She answered that everyone else was late, too, and they would wait for me. She was calm and loving in her response which eased my anxiety. 

As I reversed out of my driveway I went a bit too far. I recognized my mistake too late. It was muddy and I was likely to get stuck. Instead I felt an impact and was stopped by something that I imagined was a fence. I jumped out of the car to check the damage. Sure enough I had hit something and it was tall. It had busted out the back corner window. I noted the damage on my brand new car but shrugged it off as not being “that bad”. I got back in the car and attempted to drive. The car spun in circles and wouldn’t go straight. I got back out and flipped the car over to get to the tires. One back tire had a small, metal piece that was stuck. I unstuck it and spun the tire. It spun straight. I got back in and drove away.

I woke and immediately knew the symbolism. I was being shown my past and how I make the same decision, a decision to choose another’s path over my own, over and over again. The result it no movement forward on my own path. Instead I am stuck. In the dream I fix the tire and can finally go forward. So, I am aware now that I need to make different decisions and have the courage to follow my own path even though it is cloudy and uncertain. 

Safety is an illusion. The sooner I accept this, the better.

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Message: All it Takes is a Spark

I had a dream that was fairly long and detailed, though I can’t recall the conversations in it much. The man in it reminded me first of one person and then of another but I distinctly recall looking at his face and it was an oval, golden globe of moving light. He was also very tall, towering over me, and completely naked (I think I was, too). Funny enough, I can’t remember if his body was also made of light. lol

We were in a bedroom discussing my life and he was asking me questions, which I happily answered. I WISH I could remember the conversation! Anyway, I remember mentioning eating chicken breast and talking about how much I enjoyed keeping my body active and healthy. I was in a very good mood and super comfortable with him, laughing and talking a million miles a minute. He remained calm, listening intently, and told me how fascinated he was with me. He told me, “You’re amazing” or something close to that. I told him he was, too, and hugged him, wrapping my arms around his neck joyfully. We hugged a long time and I sensed from him sadness connected to a belief he wasn’t good enough. Recognizing myself in him, I began to kiss him on his neck to reassure him that he was and always will be enough. He put his hand on my back and stroked my shoulder lovingly. I could feel from him that he had genuine love and appreciation for all that I am.  His touch sent chills down my spine, spreading into my root and expanding outward. The energy of it woke me. 

I was immediately upset that I woke from the dream. Why must I always wake up when it starts getting good!? A male guide was close, reassuring me. He told me what I experienced in the dream was a good thing and asked me why I avoided it. I told him I felt it led to bad things and I prefer to not experience pain, hurt, and disappointment. I was recalling the two Kundalini connections I’ve had and how they both led to disappointment and immense pain, the first much more than the second. I was reminded that what I felt was the energy of creation. To feel it is to feel ALIVE. I agreed and would love to feel it again, but not if it isn’t consistent and no lasting relationship comes of it. My experiences with it have made me very wary of K connections. Yet, I wish to totally lose myself to another, to come into complete Union. I don’t understand it.

I’ve only seen a golden man like in this dream one other time and it was also tied to the Kundalini. He was teaching me. I think he said he was my “tantra teacher”. At the time, though, I just saw him in the corner of the room, standing and looking back at me. The sight of him woke me immediately because it was so unusual. This time seeing him like that didn’t cause any reaction, I just remembered it vividly when I woke. The most vivid part is how the golden energy moved, little tiny sparks of light like golden fireflies trapped in a jar.

My guide told me, “All it takes is a spark”. Then I was shown a vision of how my energy body would slowly catch fire and not long after be engulfed in flames. I didn’t reject this at all as it seems it is always some catalyst that creates this response in me. I tend to have no control over who does it or when it happens. It takes me by complete surprise. 

It felt like my guide was showing me a glimpse of my future. If so, I’m not totally against it happening but it needs to be correct for me. I’m not looking for marriage or a traditional relationship. I don’t even think a live-in situation would work for me. I can’t deal with expectation weighing me down. I don’t want to deal with another man child, or be constantly pursued for sex, as if that is my only value. Above all, though, I need to feel absolutely safe with whoever it is.

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Hummingbird

I spent several days out a my new abode – alone. The solitude was much needed. I’ve been experiencing sleep difficulties again and high blood pressure (yikes!). My BP is averaging 140/90+, the bottom number being the most volatile, sometimes going up to 107! My Dr. isn’t concerned because it comes down when I am calm, but I am not calm very often these days. Stress is the culprit, thus my retreat away from everyone and everything for a few days.

Ample sleep was gotten as was plenty of slow, stress-free time alone. I have a sleep number bed that tells me how well I sleep with a range from 1-100, 100 being the best sleep ever. My numbers are usually in the low 70s and high 60s. For three nights my numbers were in the 80s! Yay!

I took a ton of walks and did some breathing meditations. I’ve been exploring Buddhist practices, starting with short, mindfulness meditations. I haven’t gone past 5 minutes yet, but am working on it. I think my guidance approves because I got a message yesterday morning upon waking, “Purpose is in the moment.” It is indeed.

Hummingbird

Two days into my retreat I was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes when I noticed a hummingbird flying around with something in her mouth. I had never seen a hummingbird do that so I paid closer attention. It wasn’t long before I saw her going back to the same place on a tree. A tiny crook at the end of a twig. I went outside to look closer and saw what looked like a bunch of moss stuck on the twig. The hummingbird buzzed my head as I thought, “She’s making a nest!”

As the day progressed, I checked on her progress periodically. By the end of the day she had a thimble sized nest and I took the opportunity during a passing thunderstorm to sit outside with my camera to take pictures and video (you can hear the thunder on the video). She was not very afraid of me so I was able to get pretty close, about 10ft away, which allowed me to zoom in really close.

Honestly, I was fascinated and appreciative that she would choose to share with me such a private part of her tiny life. Just writing about it makes me emotional for some reason. The pictures and video don’t come close to how beautiful she and her tiny nest are.

I plan to keep a watch over the nest in the coming weeks. I can’t wait to see tiny eggs and, hopefully, babies. I may even take a feeder out just so she has some nourishment close by during the hellishly hot summer days.

Below are some pictures of mama hummingbird. Here is a link to a video from my YouTube channel. Please forgive the shiftiness of the video. My camera is designed to prioritize photos, not video. I need to get a tripod and set it up on my back porch with my camera aimed at the nest. 🙂

While in the midst of taking videos of mama hummingbird I noticed a magnificent rainbow arching across the sky. It remained for nearly the entire time I was outside observing her. Such a blessing!

Hummingbird Totem

“Hummingbird as a spirit animal represents flexibility (our ability to accept and implement change), lightheartedness, and joy. Other associations shared by these Lightworkers include remaining present, freedom, awakening happiness and hope, a lightness of spirit, quick responses, reversing melancholy, tirelessness, and fortitude”. Source

It seems to me hummingbird is a further reminder to me that it is of utmost importance for me to continue taking time to myself, enjoying the solitude of my new home and all the blessings of nature and life. Mindfulness meditation and staying present in the moment go hand-in-hand with her message as well.

Thank you hummingbird, I hear you!

Some photos of my weekend. Hopefully they lift your spirit like they did mine. The colors of the sunset after the rain – breathtaking!

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Dream: Mensa

I was in a room with others sitting at a long table. It was somewhat cramped and there was a sense of anticipation, similar to the feeling one gets before the first day of school. 

It was soon made clear we were there to choose our classes for the upcoming school year. I was a bit discourage because I knew I had already graduated – long ago. Still, I listened, considering how it may be useful and help me relieve boredom. They asked me if I wanted to take regular or advances classes. I said, “I will get bored in a regular class…but then I will also get bored in an advanced one.” Sighing, I finally opted to go with the advances courses because the regular ones would be way to slow for me.

I received my class schedule. I saw my first three classes: Algebra, Biology and History. I was not excited about Biology because of my previous experiences. I took my schedule and started off to class. 

The school was enormous! It had a massive central area with stairs going up and down in all directions and there was a massive skylight overhead. There were hundreds of students with backpacks and bags hurrying to their respective classes. I had a guide with me, an older woman with blonde, gray-tinged hair she wore short. I gave her my schedule and pointed to the room number which was a range rather than a number. I just remember the “800”. She said, “That’s downstairs, two flights.” We walked toward the stairs but then stopped at a cafe. She left me there and I waited for her to return. For some reason I chewed on my schedule so that when it was unreadable. I remember pulling it out when she returned and attempting to unfold it. Pieces fell to the ground. It reminded me of how paper looks after it has been laundered.

Then we were downstairs. The women led me to the door of a classroom. She bid me farewell and left me there standing in line with other students. I soon realized it was not the right classroom but without my schedule I couldn’t be 100% sure. I began to look around wondering where I needed to go and thinking it didn’t really matter. I could just skip school and do my own thing being I already graduated. 

A tall, slender man approached and told me I had been selected to be a part of a special group of students. He led me to a room where there were other students. I thought the group was called mensa but when I spoke the word aloud he corrected me on the name but I can’t recall now what he corrected it to. He explained to me and the group that we were selected for our abilities. We all followed him up a staircase as he explained further but he stopped mid-step and touched his neck. I knew he was in pain and instinctively went up to him and placed my hand on his neck as if in pain. I asked permission to heal him and so did. He thanked me and told the others that they all had similar abilities, thus the invitation to the group. Some of the others looked doubtful. I told them I’d had my gifts from birth but forgot about them when school aged. Maybe they also forgot?

The end of the dream is hazy. I remember going into a room with the others and stopping myself from saying certain things, things that would reveal I had already graduated. I didn’t want the others to know. At the end, an alarm went off so that we all had to leave quickly. 

Considerations

I think the dream is in response to my thoughts when I woke briefly in the night. I was disappointed at having no dream recall and felt somewhat depressed, missing the days when information was often passed onto me via my dreams. 

The dream theme of returning to school after already graduating is a common one for me. I haven’t had a school themed dream in a while. This one is promising I think. 

The word mensa is curious here. Mensa is an organization of high IQ people but the word itself means “flat” or “table” such as “a central alter or table”. It is also the name of a constellation. It could be that I was thinking of this word in relation to my being in my last learning stage of life but I really don’t know.

The part about me hiding my previous graduation from the others is likely a reflection of how I tend to hide my true self from others. I keep my guard up and don’t let anyone get too close. I’ve embarrassed myself one too many times.

by

Dream: Alaska

Vivid dreams again. 

The first dream was of me and my best friend from HS. We were walking outside at night and she was being like she was in HS – very dismissive. I was telling her that I liked how she was when she was dating her boyfriend and also how she use to make up stories and songs, etc. She replied nastily that she hated when she was like that. 

What I recall the most was how I was trying to persuade her to still be that person and, as a result, my friend. 

I don’t remember much else from that dream.

Dream: Alaska

I was sitting at a long, rectangular table with others (my council). Somehow I knew I was in Alaska (cold, desolate, isolated). The people with me appeared to be native Alaskans (teachers), all except me. One of them asked me if I would be interested in teaching in Alaska at their school. I said only if I got to leave when it got cold and the long, dark days took over. In my mind I was thinking the month of October.

A woman approached me to serve me some food. She had a casserole dish with what reminded me of enchiladas except the enchiladas were twice the size they should be. I asked what it was and she said “grubs” (negative thoughts/emotion/experience). Carefully inspecting the large, stuffed, white, tubular grubs, I was immediately grossed out and politely told her I didn’t eat such things. There was another dish that was obviously some kind of shredded beef (happy times) and I pointed to it saying I could eat that.

They told me the class they wanted me to teach was economics. I thought about it and was uncertain if I should teach a class I’ve never taught. I was asked about my financial situation. I told them it was not an issue and “much better than last time”, which I felt relief in saying. They seemed happy to hear this. I remember being very thoughtful about the situation of becoming a teacher in Alaska. I had thoughts of the last time I was there and considered living through the harsh winter again because it suddenly seemed not so bad in hindsight.

Finally, I noticed everyone looking in my direction, their plates empty. Then a fork full of food was shoved in my face. I pushed it away. Then they all began to shove forks full of food into my mouth. I stood up and said, “I can’t eat that much! Look at me.” They looked as I turned sideways for them to see. “I’m skinny. I can’t digest that much all at once.” The forks of food stopped and their faces showed understanding.

This is where the dream ended. 

Considerations

When I woke I lingered, my thoughts immediately going to the dream with my friend from HS. Many memories of how she treated me came forward. These memories have come forward to inspect many times before. I was able to see just how shocked I really was by the mistreatment. She was very dismissive and at times even mocked me in front of her groupies while I responded without upset as if deserving of her mistreatment. I realized, after all the memories had passed, that she didn’t have the courage to just tell me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. Instead, she chose to mistreat me and hopefully I would get the message. I only got the message after we graduated and she dissed me at the college we both decided to attend together. By that point it was crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with me.

I was able to observe enough through the memories to realize that she was the last person I had actually been myself with, fully vulnerable and open. After her mistreatment, I withdrew into myself, constructing walls around myself to protect myself from harm. 

I was also able to see that my effect upon people, then and even now, caused major discomfort. Why? Because I can see straight into their very Being (Projector) and most are not comfortable with themselves, much less someone who can see the very flaws they are trying to hide. It is a select few who can accept me – thus, accept themselves. 

The feeling when this happens is hard to describe but I touched upon it with each memory of rejection. I feel uncomfortable (their discomfort), and awkward (their awkwardness) and then want to retreat as far as I can away from them (they want to get away from me). Other times I feel upset or anger – the emotion varies depending on the person. My almost completely open design (HD) causes me to mistakenly think that what I am feeling is all me. It isn’t. It is them. Their rejection is a rejection of themselves. 

I tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. I had become upset by all the memories, especially the rejection by my friend from HS. I know now why I didn’t get angry or vengeful or bitter when she rejected me. I knew her treatment of me was a reflection of her own inner struggle and I loved her enough to allow her to go through it, even if it meant I would be hurt in the end. She confirmed my Knowing in an apology to me much later, when in our twenties. 

The most upsetting was thinking just how seldom I meet someone and feel completely comfortable and at ease. It is extremely rare. I began to cry considering how difficult it has been to have that effect on people. Now that I am older, I no longer try to hide what I see inside people. I just let it show all over my face and reject them before they can reject me. I carry with me the message “leave me alone” and it is purposeful. I would rather just….not.

With this, my guidance sent me a vision. It was complete darkness and at the very end, as if a tunnel, was a tiny, extremely bright, white light. I heard, “Look for the light.” I knew this was a suggestion that instead of being overwhelmed by the darkness of the people I encounter to look for their light. They all have it. This is how I use to be, back before this world turned me cynical and bitter. 

Or it could be a message to look for the light in general.

As for the Alaska dream, I think it is symbolic of the time I actually lived in Alaska and the dark, cold winters I hated while there. It was pretty bad and the only time I actually really considered suicide. Like another recent dream, there was a rectangular table which I’ve come to recognize as my council. If my council is around it means a critical situation is at hand. The grubs for food are symbolic of some issue or negative emotion(s) I am rejecting. Me teaching is likely my council reminding me of lessons I have or have had. Economics is probably symbolic of my financial state and a lesson to be learned there as well. The force feeding could be that I feel overwhelmed. As a result, I ask for more time to “digest”. 

The shredded beef dish in the meal symbolizes positive thoughts and dreams, happiness and contentedness. Of course, who wouldn’t want that to eat?

by

Snakes and Skeletons

I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.

Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.

This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.

This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.

After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending. 

I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life. 

Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..

I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!

Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?

I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation. 

I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again. 

This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.

I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before. 

Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??

Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.

Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon. 

by

Dream: Crawdad in My Hair

Had a dream the other night that has a message that has been on my mind.

In the dream, there was a bright red crawdad (crayfish). I had leaned over to get something and my hair cascaded down near it. The crawdad grabbed onto my hair and climbed up onto my head. I freaked out and began screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” while trying to grab it but then shying away from it. I remember worrying it would sting me and feeling like it would be a very bad thing if it did. Someone was there trying to help me get it out of my hair but I woke before it was taken out. 

Here is the message of crayfish: Crayfish Totem. 

It took me a whole day to finally look it up because I had a feeling it was not something I wanted to hear (thus wanting it off my head and thinking it would sting me in the dream). And yes, the message was that I need to shed my old skin and let go of the old to make way for the new. It also is telling me to pay attention to my dreams. I think the crawdad being in my hair is also meaningful. Hair represents strength and growth. The crawdad being in my hair is reminding me that, to grow, one must shed the old, which can sometimes be very painful. The fact that the crawdad was red may also be significant. It could symbolize anger, aggression, and even passion. I think in this instance it was power and new beginnings. I experience fear from these things in general.

Since our divorce was finalized on the 22nd of January, my ex has been very nice and accommodating. Our relationship is better than ever and it has led us to fall back into old patterns and behaviors. These behaviors are more like they were early in our relationship, not like the last few years. For example, he had a dozen roses delivered to me for Valentine’s Day. We are acting more married and loving than in a long time. It is just habit and it is hard to end old habits when in such close proximity. He is still in the house when I am staying there, something I’ve asked him to remedy. I’ve spoken with him about it, reminding him that we are divorced and should be planning for our new, single lives – apart.  

Until just recently all the bills were still in my name. I have since cancelled service and transferred what I could. This upset him but they are his bills, not mine, and late payment would impact my credit, not his, if left in my name. Tomorrow he asked me to help him call all the utility providers to set up service in his name. He has little to no experience with financial matters but he has to step up now and I think he is a bit unsure of himself.

My SIL has been threatening to sue my ex for “divorce fraud”. LOL But then she was very angry at the time. She won’t do it, it’s just a hollow threat to get his attention (even if she did it has no standing). She is mostly upset as a part-owner in the company because I will be getting monthly payments soon and she thinks I am stealing from the company. She doesn’t really understand the arrangement I don’t think. The money is from my ex, not her or the company, it just comes from the company as his portion owed to me. Anyway, I think she has a point (re: the fraud part) and I told him as much. He just laughed it off. 

It is easy to get caught up in what is comfortable and familiar. I think the crawdad is correct – it is time for me to shed my old skin – but I struggle because so much of my life is tangled up with my ex and my position working at the family company. I enjoy my job, especially the WFH aspect. I don’t know what to replace it with were I to resign. I have no issue walking away from his family but walking away from my ex will be hard. He is good at reeling me in – we are good parent partners and get along really well as friends. I am not one to hold grudges or hang onto stupid upsets. I wish sometimes I was because it would make this easier.