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Mugwort Tea and 2 OBEs

I’ve been drinking mugwort tea before tea for about four days. I haven’t noticed a difference in my dream recall but I did have a couple of OBEs in one night, which is unusual. Unfortunately, it has not helped me sleep through the night. I am still waking around 1-3am and then struggling to return to sleep.

The third night of tea I had a dream where I was having flashbacks to what appeared to be another person’s life. I don’t remember them now but I remember I began to sob. I then turned to another person near me and told them it was grief. I woke up and couldn’t return to sleep for an hour.

When I woke up it was around 3am. I immediately began to think of the future and found it difficult to see anything positive in it. I got up to take something to help me sleep and saw it was nearly 4am. So I opted to try to sleep without anything. My mind was still keeping me awake and eventually I got to a point where I said to my guidance, “I just want out”. When I said this, I felt myself giving up or maybe letting go of this life, all the issues in it, etc. When I did this, my mind instantly went blank, my body relaxed and I felt as if I was sinking into the bed.

OBE #1

Before I knew it I was aware of being in the in-between, right at the point where I could exit my body. Though not fully sure I was correct in this, I rolled out of my body and stood up but the sensation of my body indicated an incomplete circuit, meaning the energy was not fully present to hold that state. I returned to my body and lingered for a while. I remember the other space felt so real because of how solid it felt. 

I tried again and stood up. This time my energy was stable and my vision and all senses turned on with full clarity. I was in my mom’s living room. It was so solid I wondered if I was correct in being OOB but I didn’t have time to contemplate it further. My dog came up to me excitedly asking to go outside. I took him to the door and my mom’s other dog (deceased) joined us. There was no doubt I was dreaming then. I opened the door and walked outside. My mom’s dog shot by me and I slowly followed. It was early morning. The sun was bright and reflecting off the morning dew. I stopped, realizing my dog was not with me. I turned around and saw him attempting to poop right by the front door. I recognized I was being called back to observe, so I did for a moment. He was straining but no poop came so he eventually ran past me to joint the other dog. 

I walked down the porch steps and stood outside looking all around. The ground was moist as if it had rained in the night. I decided to try to fly, so I launched myself up, jumping high, and came back down quickly. Instead of landing I went down into the ground. The ground wasn’t solid! I was below ground level momentarily and then shot up, laughing aloud at the unexpectedness of it. 

I lingered for a moment unsure of what to do. I began to fly, hovering around 8 feet off the ground. I felt a tinge of worry about being sucked up into the sky and had the idea to fly up to test my courage. I was immediately pulled up at lightening speed. I usually lose vision, and I did for a short time, but intentionally opened my eyes to find myself in a fog of clouds and stars. I was surprised I didn’t lose awareness. Unfortunately, my surprise pulled me back into my body.

I woke but did not open my eyes. I switched positions because my hands were numb and tingly, then relaxed. I felt as if I was sinking into the bed again. I welcomed the feeling.

OBE #2

I was in my mom’s house again, laying on the sofa. I wanted to sleep but the noises around me were keeping me awake. My kids were running about as if they were little again. I could hear a child crying. I remember thinking I was glad my children weren’t that age anymore. Then my daughter grabbed me by the shoulders (it was very physically real), shook me hard and tried to force me to sit up. I resisted and told her to stop because I wanted to sleep. She did but urged me to get up and I relaxed back into the sofa wanting only to sleep, but I realized I was OOB, so I got up and explored the space.

There was a little girl about 2 years old running around. She had brown hair, chubby cheeks and bright eyes. I lifted up into the air, aware that I was a ball of light, and hovered over her as she ran. She squealed in delight. I lost interest and went through the front door into the yard. It was dark outside and people in cars driving down the driveway. Others were walking towards me. It looked like they were parking to go to a nearby event. They did not have permission to be there. So, I went about and began telling them to leave, that it was private property, etc. One man was belligerent and I told him I would “shoot his head off” if he didn’t leave (I didn’t have a gun). He laughed it off and asked me why I didn’t just come to the event with them. I said I was happy where I was but I remember questioning my answer as if I knew my answer was revelatory. I watched as they left and followed them, curious to see where this party was. When I got to the end of the driveway I began to lose energy. It felt like my energy was being slowly sucked downward. Eventually I was sucked down with it. 

When I came back into my body my heart was beating fast and I felt off. I have had this upon reentry before. It is uncomfortable. I rolled over, knowing I could return, but I decided not to. 

I had a conversation with my ex in the in-between. I was giving him advice about his mother telling him he will have to make important decisions for her soon and that he should ask her what she wants beforehand. I also told him he needs to let her make as many of the decisions as possible. I ended with, “I don’t want her to suffer” and came out of my reverie in tears. 

Reflection

I am surprised at how easy it was to go OOB when it has not been so for a very long time. Was it is the mugwort tea? Or was it just my request in saying, “I just want out” and my guidance assisting me during a difficult moment? Prior to bed I had asked for healing because I had a terrible headache that wouldn’t go away. I felt an instant soothing energy on my head. I also did self-healing and felt two assistants over me during that time. And earlier that day I had been feeling down on my walk and right as I had a thought about giving up I spotted a large, silver cross pendant on the sidewalk in front of me.

The OBEs themselves don’t really feel significant. The first one seems to have been a show of courage on my part. The second, especially the part where I was asked to join the party, seems to have been asking me to consider that maybe I am choosing to stay in one place rather than approach life with curiosity.

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Intellectualization

The energy of this new year feels really mental or, rather, thoughtful to me. Contemplative. I think it may be the lingering effects of the Cancer full moon. Reflecting on the past, especially related to family and relationships, is part of Cancer’s emotional energy. And that is what I have been doing. I couldn’t sleep because of it. My mind keeps trying to figure everything out, make sense of things.

My mind intellectualizes things in order to try to mitigate uncomfortable feelings I was taught to suppress as a child. Apparently this is a typical strategy adults like me use because it helped us cope as children. Imagine not being able to express certain emotions, being punished for expressing them and being put into your room in isolation to face them alone. It forces a person into their head. This is especially true for intelligent people. I was considered near genius level as a child with an IQ of 148. I learned recently that therapy seldom works with people like me because we are well aware of our patterns and why we are the way we are. If the therapist notices someone intellectualizes then they can teach them how to get out of the head and into the body to feel the emotion. I think that is what I need.

Anyway, I wondered about some things, looked deeper and caught a belief that might be inhibiting me. I have a belief that my ex is good and has good intentions so he couldn’t have been trying to control and manipulate me all along. I wondered if perhaps I was wrong and then all sorts of memory flooded my mind to prove that perhaps I am wrong and my ex did always have malintent. 

I had to write it in my phone notes to get to sleep. This is what I recalled:

My ex took my vulnerability and used it against me. He did this from the very beginning.

For example, he told my sister (the meth addict) when he was trying to fix the relationship between her, her husband and my mom, step-dad and I (and rest of the family). In this particular instance he was talking about my relationship with her. He told her he thought I was jealous of her and competing with her for our mom’s love. He confessed this to me, almost as if he was gloating about it, saying he did this to get her into ARC (Scientology term – Affinity,  Reality, Communication) with him. This just means he wanted her to think he shared her reality with him (form of manipulation). What he did was upsetting to me and I told him so and forbad him interfering anymore. I told him he was intentionally “stirring the pot” and it was not helpful. He denied it. I had told him about my early childhood issues with my sister in confidence. It was me saying “I can see I was like this as a child” but it was never meant to be used in the way it was.

Another example, when we were dating I confided in him some of the fantasy thoughts I had when I was angry, specifically about my ex-MIL and my cousin’s ex-BF (from my 20’s). I can be quite nasty in my fantasies when mad. I have confronted this part of my self and have made peace with it. My ex would bring up these in our discussions all the time and towards the end in our arguments to point out to me how evil I was. He would use deflection (change the topic I brought up to discuss to avoid having to confront it) and throw in such info as I confided in him early on. It was diabolical and I would call him out on it and he would get angry, yelling and sometimes throwing things. He did not like to get caught. 

Throughout our marriage he shared personal and very private, often sexual, information about our relationship with family and friends. He would later tell me he did it, seeming to brag, explaining it away or justifying it. Often times I would intuitively recognize the person he told this info to would change energy-wise when around me. I perceived something was off and would ask him and then he would confess. I doubt I got all the info he told them but the impact was obvious. He swore to stop doing it but never stopped. I discovered it so frequently I stopped confiding anything in him because I never knew who he would tell. 

He did all these things from the very beginning and I ignored my intuition which told me he was doing it purposefully. So, so many times I confronted him and he talked his way out of it, making me feel like I must be imagining it all. So, I chose to believe he didn’t mean to and dismissed my own inner Knowing. Now, however, I believe he was doing all of it consciously with the intent to turn people against me, his family, friends and even my own family. This was to isolate me and build himself up so that I would be less likely to leave him. I was already one to isolate myself, hermit that I am, so it was easy for him to further that isolation. Seemingly without support and with the confusion his purposeful gaslighting and deflection caused me, I did exactly what he wanted – I stayed and allowed him to continue unchallenged. I second-guessed myself all the time. I believed he was good and had good intention because if I entertained the idea he was the opposite then it would mean I made a mistake of letting someone like that into my life. Plus, he was so spiritual, etc., bettering himself, loved and liked by so many people, etc. Everything in reality said the opposite of what my intuition was telling me. Yet I ignored it.

I do think, now upon reflection of all this, that he may be a narcissist. My therapist seems to think so, anyway. I am ashamed of myself. I should’ve known better.  It sucks to recognize it now, so many years later, but it explains why he became so nasty, aggressive and abusive when I started to question him and set boundaries. It explains so much. 

My guides once said of my ex (years before I met him), “He will save you from yourself”. I can see now what they meant. I entered the relationship with low self-worth, not really knowing mySelf, full of fear, seeking someone to make decisions for me because making them myself was too difficult and scary, feeling lost, etc. I didn’t value myself, second-guessed myself, and was a people pleaser, shifting and changing to suit everyone but myself. When I had the heart opening in 2015 I was shown the lie and still couldn’t confront it. I saw through his “love” but because of the trauma of the situation I was unable to really digest and integrate all the info that was coming to me. It was only recently that I started to see and listen to my what my physical body and intuition was telling me all along. 

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Dreams: Prison Visit and New Position

Went to bed asking for healing of my second chakra since it was an area my guidance told me I should focus on. These are the dreams I had.

Prison Visit

I visited a jail. IDK if I was visiting a particular person or not but I do remember that I needed to use the restroom (seeking relief). So perhaps that was why I went? Anyway, inside there was a person who greeted me. I asked where the restroom was and was directed to the left, back of the space. I was in a hurry it seemed and rushed past a line of people checking into the prison. There were various types of people, young, old, male and female, standing in line wearing different types of clothing, some nice, some not so nice. Their faces were blank, eyes looking down at the floor or staring off into space. I walked past one younger guy who was more aware. He came up to me and told me he had pick pocketed me and showed me a tiny, golden bag tied with a ribbon (gift perhaps?). I took it and asked him how he got into my zipped purse. He just smiled at me mischievously. I looked inside to see if anything else was missing but couldn’t remember what all was inside. 

I left with my purse (self-worth, confidence) and went into the bathroom. Inside the toilets were exposed, no stalls. Each was clogged, some with toilet paper, others with tampons. I sat on a toilet clogged with tampons and relieved myself. The tampons were not soiled, which was odd. In fact, none of the toilets had anything gross in them, just white TP or tampons.

New Position (turns lucid)

I was with a group of people in a high class bar (meaningful transition). The lights were low, there were large mirrors on the walls and there was a golden hue to the space. Some well dressed men and women were with me who seemed to be guiding me. I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I felt out of place (unsure of path ahead) but kept getting reassured by the others. I was told I had a new position or job and sat down at a table across from a woman who seemed to know me. She began talking to me about technical things like computer programming (logical/technical). Instantly relieved I got into a conversation with her about it. This is when another woman approached and told me to come with her. I was going to leave to report to my new position. I went with the woman.

She took me to the car (life path), I got in and was on my way. I sat there looking out the window at the scenery as I drove. It was dark and the various lights from the city flew by so fast they appeared as streaks of blues, whites, reds and pinks. It was quite beautiful. After a while I became ultra aware that I was in the driver’s seat. I wasn’t driving, though. The steering wheel was moving on its own. Now lucid from the realization of my situation, I felt a bit of panic mixed with excitement. I looked up at the roof of the car considering flying up and out to go explore thinking, “I should get out of here” because I didn’t know if the car was safe. A feeling inside me stopped me as if saying, “No stay and observe.” I paused. I wondered, “Is this a self-driving car?” So I watched to see what would happen. The car was on a road traveling along it perfectly. I watched as the wheel moved appropriately with the road and felt the car’s speed fluctuate as needed. I relaxed, intrigued and curious, enjoying the ride. Then, out of nowhere an object came out from the edge of the road into the path of the car. The car hit it. I saw it as it hit the windshield. It was a large, stuffed objected resembling a Weeble Wobble toy. Honestly, looking back, it was quite funny, but in the dream I thought, “Was that a person?”. The car didn’t deviate from its path nor did it brake or suffer any damage. I noted it as evidence that I would be safe inside the traveling vehicle no matter what obstacles came into the road/path. I knew the toy resembled an individual, not a specific one, just any individual, that crosses my path. I woke. 

Reflection

Both dreams feel positive. The prison one is a healing dream. I have dreamed of being inside a prison in the past many times. In fact, one of my Light Code Oracle cards named “Fear” is of the view from inside a prison looking out. I believe the dream is showing me I am no longer a prisoner. I am given the gift of self-confidence (purse) and leave the prison with it. 

The second dream is reassuring me that my new path is one I have knowledge of and am prepared for. The car portion is further reassurance by actually showing me what this looks like/means. It reminds me of Human Design because in it the body is described as the vehicle and you are suppose to allow the higher self (magnetic monopole) to drive and just be an observer. As long as you listen to your strategy and authority (let the higher self drive) then you will be safe and stay on your path. 

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Solstice Ritual

Happy 2026! Wishing you all the best for the year ahead.

I did a solstice ritual this year starting on the 21st of December and ending yesterday. I wrote 13 intentions for the new year, folded them and put them in a bowl. Each night I burned one without reading it. In doing so I put my trust in the Universe that the intention will be and I do not have to do anything but accept what the Universe provides. The last day, yesterday, I unfolded the final intention. This will be the intention for 2025 that requires my conscious participation, steady effort, honesty and follow-through. One where I do my work and the Universe meets me halfway. That intention is: “My work brings me fulfillment and success.” 

I actually don’t like the intention because I struggle when it comes to work and really have no idea what will bring me success and fulfillment. In fact, I was just dreading returning to work on Monday. I am finding my job just so-so and the interaction with others at my workplace typical of my past experiences. People are limited in what they are willing to talk about and confront and I have already noticed I say too much, making them uncomfortable and avoidant. Usually it is when I open up about myself that they withdraw. If I stick to only pleasantries, remaining on surface level info about myself, they remain at ease but only then. I have only encountered one woman who was willing to go deeper with me and she was much older than the rest. She remained comfortable and receptive but the group was not and so she ended up having to cut her own comments short in order to put them at ease. The message is loud and clear  – Don’t reveal too much, stay quiet, let others talk. This has always been my experience in life, even outside of work, so I don’t know why I keep butting my head against that wall. It is always an accident but by the time I realize I have said too much, it is already too late. Most people do not want to confront things in their life and me bringing up anything beyond surface level scares them. They wonder what I might know, at a subconscious level, and see me as a threat and retreat. I know this about myself. It is part of my gift but it is also my curse. 

Coincidentally, before I opened the intention last night I had a consideration during the day that helped me shift my perception. I had watched a Buddhist video about worry and the teacher suggested that rather than worry about what might go wrong why not worry about what might go right? This stuck with me I guess because the video was one among many others and I thought I had long forgotten it. However, that is what I did without even thinking. I considered work and rather than dread it I thought, “What if something amazing happens? What if I am acknowledged, validated and celebrated? What if I end up looking forward to work?” With that I relaxed and my entire day shifted. I remember my purpose for the job was not to make money but to help. All I need to do is to remind myself of that purpose each day and feel the excitement that comes with the consideration that maybe, just maybe, I will surprise myself.

I am reminded of my first teaching job in a public school in Texas. I was teaching psychology and I looked forward to going to work. When I consider what I would like from a job I always think back to that one. It is the only time in my life I looked forward to going to work. When I have considered why that is, I realized that with that job there were certain beliefs I held that created a positive experience for me: 1. I was grateful for the opportunity. 2. The subject matter was one I was fascinated with. 3. I felt genuine love and interest in my students. and 4. I was optimistic about my impact on my students (wanted to help them).

So far I have at least two with this job. I am grateful and I feel genuine love and interest in my students. The others are there but I have had so many losses with them that I have given up or lost the belief that they are even possible. I am not very interested in the subject matter I am “teaching” (meaning counseling). I find myself bored with the problems the children bring to me to help them solve. They are so trivial. I have also lost the desire to help and feel any impact I have will be minimal.

Therefore, I need to work on my cynicism and automatic judgements of others. I need to stop taking the responses I see in the adults I work with personally. They are not reacting to me, they are reacting to what my energy shows them about themselves. It isn’t personal. Similarly, I feel unmotivated to help as I have had so many losses. I think for this one I need to broaden my definition of what it means to help. As my guides have reminded me of many times, “help” comes in many forms. It is not all rainbows and butterflies. Help is individual to the person and their lessons in life. Sometimes help is conflict that needs resolution. Just my energy helps by making others uncomfortable. That discomfort can be a spark that lights a fire of awareness inside them. 

My plan is to continue to remind myself of my purpose for being there – to help. It is also to remember/trust that the Universe put me there for a reason. It is not for me to decide whether I helped or not based upon my human definitions and beliefs relating to help. I need to take my Ego out of it. The search for validation stems from pride, wanting to be acknowledged and valued, etc. If I am seeking external acknowledgment and validation as proof I helped, I will be disappointed and feel like a failure.

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Dreams: Brain Surgery, Snake in Bedroom and Walk-Out

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine went well. I slept wonderfully on Christmas Eve, something that has not happened in – well IDK how long. 

Been having lots of dreams lately. Going to document them here.

Brain Surgery

Dreamed I was getting a surgery on my head. I don’t recall the actual surgery, just brief moments where there was concern and then I was being told I had surgery. This part of the dream is hazy and it felt like I was male for some reason.

Then I was in a car with several others. It felt like we were all driving, squished up into the driver’s seat. I remember my perceptions were skewed. There were bright colors and streaks around me where the scenery should have been. I was screaming to the others, “I only have five years left to live.” The feeling was that the surgery was for something bad like cancer and though it helped me, it left me changed and I would not last more than 5 years as a result. I didn’t feel this was bad in the dream. It was more like I was on a psychedelic dream ride and I didn’t care.

Snake in Bedroom

There was a large, gray snake in my bedroom. At first I just let it be because it was hiding underneath items and didn’t seem interested in bothering me. I was still cautious, though, and couldn’t sleep for worry it might make its way into my bed. So, I decided to find it to get it out of my space. I got down on my hands and knees and started looking around with my flashlight. I looked under the bed and saw a bright green lizard with cool colors and patterns on his crest. He was awesome looking. As I was getting my camera to take a picture the snake came out of nowhere and ate the lizard in one bite. I watched in horror as the snake consumed it and then stared at the snake who was practically immobilized by the lump of the undigested lizard. 

I left the room to search for someone to help me get rid of the snake. No one would help me despite me telling them it would be easy to get him since he had just eaten. My sister ended up being the only person to help me. I woke before we could extricate the snake. 

School Fundraiser Order

I was in an elementary school as the counselor. I walked along the halls and ended up running into a student who said they had money to order the fundraiser items (not sure what it was). I took them to a desk and sat down, searching through the material to get the information. I told him that I didn’t know if the deadline to order had passed or not. He had cash and I asked if he also had a check. He said yes and I took it and said if it was past the deadline I could return the check. As he was leaving I found the info and it said the money had to be received four weeks before Christmas. I told him he wouldn’t get his item until January. At this point he was annoyed and I think took back the check. I remember being focused on the calendar and seeing two weeks before the holiday and two weeks after as if it was significant.

Walk-Out

I was with a group on the set of a film or show of some kind. I was watching a scene unfold. A woman had been injured and was presumed dead. She was on the floor pretending to be dead as the others in the scene gathered around her. She moved her head slightly and this caught my attention. I thought, “She needs to stay still or they will know she’s not dead.” I remember looking at the background – the props, the lighting – and noting two, small, pebble sized, white blobs on the wall. One minute they had iridescent coloring and another it was gone. The room was sparsely furnished and for some reason I thought if us all as dolls and thought, “Barbie.” I wondered pondered on it, almost gaining lucidity, but then the woman playing dead moved her head even more, this time very obvious to everyone in the room. The script was interrupted and had to be altered. The others in the room played along and improvised and, before I knew it, everyone was in on it and the whole movie or whatever it was ended with everyone telling the audience it was all a show and seeming relieved it was over. I felt shocked in the dream, not believing everyone was doing this, but I went along with it because, what could I do? If they didn’t play their parts as scripted, I couldn’t play mine.

We walked outside, the energy high as everyone chattered about the improvised ending. It seemed like no big deal. I watched two women standing in discussion about their roles and interrupted. I think they were talking about dolls and again I thought “Barbie”. I mentioned how they needed to learn how to share their dolls and looked at the woman on the right. I asked, “Are you an only child?” She nodded she was. I said, “Then you especially need to learn how to share your toys.” 

Then I was approached by a woman who asked me who my favorite actor was. I said I didn’t have one initially but then said, “Trey”. In my mind a visual of a young, handsome, man came to mind. Then the man appeared and asked me to dance. I agreed and took his hand. As we danced I could feel our bodies pressing against one another. He was fully dressed but I seemed to be naked. I could feel him becoming aroused. The dream ended there.

The actor in the dream who I said I liked and called “Trey” was Paul Wesley. 

Interpretation

The brain surgery dream was on Christmas Eve. It feels like the dream was telling me that, in five years, I will have a completely changed perception. This could be that I am seeing things differently, as in spiritual sight, or perhaps a change in personality – or everything even. Brain surgery symbolizes big change to my mental state and how I think, feel and perceive. In the dream the brain surgery feels necessary, like a life saving surgery would be. That I have so many others in the driver’s seat seems to indicate I will have a lot of help during this time. So, 5 years from now I will be “dead”, meaning the Old me will be gone. Or I guess it could mean I am really dead but I highly doubt that.  

The snake in the bedroom is likely related to my research of late regarding the Year of the Snake. It doesn’t officially end until February and during this time, also a nine year, those of us experiencing this intense period of rebirth will be removing the last remnants of our old “skin”. It could be a powerfully transformative time if we properly prepare ourselves. As we move into the Year of the Horse, we will experience a void of sorts, a time of integration and seemingly slow progress. Then the acceleration begins in February (Feb tends to be a time of intensity for me) and we will be propelled into intense change and rebirth. 

In the dream I am uncomfortable with the snake being in my bedroom (private self, innermost thoughts, desires and emotions). It appears I am struggling with shedding the last vestiges of the Old and so the snake makes me feel uneasy but I tolerate it. The lizard is found as I attempt to remove the snake and then the snake eats it. Lizards represent the primordial Self and survival along with instinct and fear. The snake eats it and I decide I have to remove the snake once and for all. I find it interesting that the lizard is so pretty and I am fascinated with it in the dream. Perhaps I will come to terms with some instinctual urges and shed considerations regarding those? 

The school dream feels more like a consideration about receiving something, a gift perhaps or something purchased, after the holidays in mid-January. 

The final dream appears to be a recognition that at some point the script will not be followed. I end up following along because I realize my part must be altered as well. So the connection to the greater Collective comes up and is accepted. The part about Barbies is interesting as I see myself and others as a doll or toy, which is also like an actor only one that is manipulated by a higher force. Learning to share comes up and I wonder if this is me pointing out how sometimes we need help? The end about the favorite actor seems to distract me for a bit. It seems completely unrelated to the movie were were actors in. I am naked and unconcerned. Nakedness is vulnerability but I see it as a good thing in dreamtime because it indicates I am opening myself to others and  new experiences.

In case you are wondering, the actor I call “Trey” in the dream is Paul Wesley. 

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Lucid Dream: Trapped Under a House

Eventful morning.

Lucid Dream: Yard Work

I woke up around 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep because of thoughts about current life events. I asked for help from my guidance who told me, “Everything will be okay. You are loved.” I somehow fell asleep right after.

I found myself standing in the front yard of a house in a subdivision. A man was walking towards me wearing gardening attire. He had a shovel in his hands and was wearing work gloves and a hat (maintenance happening). He held up his hand calling to me. I waited as he drew closer. He asked me about my yard and I told him I didn’t care about it, it was no longer my problem. He was all smiles and motioned to a blower vent (need to vent?) on the roof saying it hadn’t been working. I went up to it. There were two large, aluminum vents hanging over the edge. I flipped a switch on it and it began to blow. I told him, “Looks like it’s working to me.” 

I went inside the house. It had familiar components to it but was not any home I’ve ever lived in. Everything had a golden hue to it. When I walked in I was in a living area. Directly in front of me was the kitchen and dining area with a large table. The man followed me in. He was talking about some plants in the yard, specifically mentioning large burs (life’s annoyances) that would grow on them. I told him he must have meant the plants that flowered and the burs were their seeds.

He asked me about my plans for the day. I walked towards the kitchen island as I mentioned something about being at the island. This is where I began to get lucid. I knew I was dreaming but did not interrupt the dream with a thought or consideration, just noted it and let the dream continue.

The man sat down and began talking, rambling really, about things I no longer recall. He sat at the table and I recognized him. He was my ex. His face was clear and bright. One by one my children came into the room and sat at the table. Somehow they always migrated towards us when we were together in the kitchen. He mentioned how he was planning on doing a painting that day and went on about it for some time. 

I stared at him as his words went in one ear and out the other. I recognized what was playing out. It was the same thing, time and time again throughout our marriage. He would wake early, excited for the day, and immediately ask me what I had planned. Before I could respond he would go into his own plans, usually something that did not involve me or the children. Some kind of project or work that he alone took pleasure in. He never once considered how his plans might impact mine, if I had any, which I rarely did. He never once considered how, when he filled up his weekend with plans that didn’t involve us, I had no other option but to be the caregiver, housemaid, cook, etc. If I had any plans, they had to involve the children. He left me no other choice. If I objected to his plans, citing how I needed a day off to do nothing, he would immediately dismiss it, saying his plans trumped my “no plan” because he had a plan. 

In the dream I decided I was not going to stand there and listen. I invited my youngest child to come with me outside. His hand in mine, we walked out the front door. It was bright outside. The lawn’s vivid green and the sky’s bright blue making the scene somewhat surreal. I asked him, “Do you want to fly with me?” He looked up at me and nodded he did. I noticed he was completely naked and approximately 2 years old. I leaped up into the air with him and hit a wall. Pushed back to the ground I laughed and he laughed with me. That is when I noticed a man walking towards us. He was dark haired and unfamiliar. He had a straight face but for some reason it felt like he came to take my son. I reach down and picked him up, never losing eye contact with the man. As I turned to leave, I was pulled into my sleeping body. 

I woke up and lingered in bed a while still heavy with sleep. I asked for another lucid dream. I fell into a dream almost immediately.

Lucid Dream: Trapped Under the House

This one was short because of how odd the scene was that I came into. I was back in the house. The golden color persisted. In front of me, laying naked (vulnerability) and wet (emotion) on the floor, was my ex. He was face down but had twisted his neck and torso so that he was looking at me. It looked like the house (life situation, self, family) had fallen on him (lost control). The wall was sitting on his back at chest level and he was flailing about with his arms trying to scoot himself out from under it. I asked him, “What are you doing? Why are you wet and…are you naked?” I thought about helping him and imagined going outside to pull him out by the legs. When I imagined this I thought of him being naked. As soon as I rejected the idea of confronting him naked I came back to my body.

A song was going through my head, these words specifically:

“All that we want, all that we need, they’re different things…”. This is from Non-Believer by London Grammar. The song explores the disconnect between desires and necessities in relationships. Highlighting confusion and disillusionment when what seems good isn’t actually what’s truly good for us.

I don’t know the meaning of the song for me. Was it about what my ex is experiencing since he was trapped under a house? Maybe. 

Short Dream/Vision

I fell asleep briefly and saw a person with my purse (self-worth, identity) standing at a windowed opening like what you would find at a front desk check-in. The person had my purse open and was picking out tiny colored pieces and sticking them together to make something. It reminded me of Legos. As I prepared to ask them what they were doing with my purse I woke up. 

Reflection

I believe the dreams provided insight as to work I’m doing in dreamtime. I believe the first ended prematurely because I was unwilling to go through something I had experienced time and time again in my relationship. Perhaps there was something I needed to realize but I never did because I left?

The second dream reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. It’s significant that the house had fallen on my ex and trapped him under it. Perhaps he feels trapped by his current situation in life? Or maybe the house is a reflection of me and I have him trapped somehow? Him being wet and naked indicates his current state. He is in an emotional situation both with his new girlfriend and in ending his relationship with me. I don’t think he has actually taken time to grieve it. He may feel vulnerable as a result. I opt not to help him, which is indicative of how I feel currently in regards to him. I wouldn’t help him if he asked because I know if I did he would try to manipulate me and pull me back into the mess I worked so hard to extricate myself from.

The last mini-dream is significant to me because it symbolizes the process of putting myself back together. I think the check-in window is also significant indicating a willingness to move forward.

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Lucid Dream: Releasing Burdens

The week has been mostly uneventful. I had some reminders from the Universe, specifically the number 222 and 444. I took a picture of the 222 as a reminder. The 444 came on a day when I was feeling a bit down in general. Turns out 444 is about protection, guidance and alignment on one’s path. 222 is about balance, collaboration, love, partnerships and harmony. 222 carries significance regarding twin flames.

On Friday, while attending my son’s choir concert, I accidentally dropped my phone. When I picked it up there was a picture that looked like a fire full of Spirits. Pretty wild!

Dream: Child Spy

I was in a dark theater type space. A big screen was in front with nothing on it. A man was speaking to the group. I only remember myself and a woman with a small child and a man. I don’t recall what the man was talking to the group about, only that I had my computer and linked it to the screen so that my screen was projecting to the group. I remember seeing my home page on the big screen.

As the man finished up and the group began to leave, the woman got up holding the child in her arms. I think she mentioned to the man that the child had a condition. She said he was a spy. I spoke up, saying that being a spy wasn’t a condition I’d ever heard of. I then mentioned that the man had been talking about cardiovascular conditions but I lost interest and started to fall asleep during the lecture. 

I disconnected my computer, put it in its case and got up to leave. I exited the dark theater via double glass doors. Outside it was also dark. I began to walk and soon found myself walking along an unfamiliar street. Very few cars were out and I saw the man and woman in front of me (no child). The man had a police badge on his belt and was wearing a uniform that was navy with a large, black stripe down one side. He also had a hat and a whistle. I thought he looked foreign and watched as the woman crossed the street. The man followed. Since I had no idea where I was or where I was going, I followed the man. 

When I got to the other side of the road I walked randomly towards a large intersection. I remember thinking to myself that I needed to get home but I had no idea where I was or how to get there. The intersection was confusing. There were arrows painted on the asphalt. Those closest to me went to the right but I saw several other lanes going random directions beyond it. I tried to open navigator in my phone but couldn’t get a good signal and I was already in motion, my body lifting up as if carried by an unseen wind.

I flew/drove quite quickly over the road and tried to follow the arrows on the road. The road went straight and cars were coming towards me. I worried I was going the wrong way but as soon as I thought that, cars passed by me going the same direction as me. The headlights were bright but I was able to see enough to not get discombobulated. A map popped up in my mind more than once, showing a route marked in red heading to my destination. I couldn’t see the destination but the route was going to take a long time and kept rerouting so it was hard to tell what was going on. I finally thought to myself, “I don’t care anymore. I know I will get there.” When I had this thought the road and the scene vanished.

Lucid Dream: Releasing Burdens

I found myself walking along a dirt road in the country. Again, I had no idea where I was. With me was the man and woman from the previous dream. I had in my hand my computer case and a small lunch bag. It felt heavy and burdensome so I asked the woman, “Can you carry this for me?” I held up my computer and lunch box and she took them, one in each hand. Relieved, I continued to follow them up the road. The road had grass growing up in the middle with two distinct lanes for the tires. Along the sides were tall trees that towered overhead.

The man and woman were walking too fast for me to keep up with them. I was weary and no matter how fast I walked, the man and woman kept getting farther away. At one point I lost sight of them. I had the thought that I could catch up and not to worry.

The road stopped at an old building. It was run down and multiple stories high. I don’t know what it was, maybe a silo or grain station of some kind. I walked/flew inside and came to an opening. Some rusty bars were positioned like railing. I put my hands on the railing and thought, “I’m dreaming. This is a dream.” The railing felt cool under my hands. I put my head through the opening between the rails and looked down. I was very high up and below was water. It was aqua in color and clear, swirling like a hot tub. I considered what to do and knew I wanted to follow the dream. I had a small bit of elation at knowing I had lucidity but opted to ignore it so as to not lose the dream scene.

With a tiny bit of trepidation, I jumped. I plunged feet first into the swirling water. I kept my vision as I went under and could see the rocky shore clearly through the water. I didn’t linger long and flew up and out of the water quickly. I landed on the shore which was covered in a soft, green foliage. Across from me I could see a raging river. There, on a small island in the river, I saw the man and woman. They were surrounded by men in black pointing guns at them. 

I considered my options. Should I fly over? I felt that it was not wise for some reason. I decided I would just walk across the water. I set the intention and began to move but was pulled immediately into wakefulness. Slowly I became aware of my sleeping body. Awareness came as energy sensations in my arms, legs and chest.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to have been a reflection of my thoughts prior to falling asleep. The man and woman with the child, were they symbolic of my considerations of a possible child being born? The child being a spy could be that I am seeking information as that is what spies do. The computer is also data or knowledge. I have it projected on the screen and a man is lecturing, so I am seeking info but cannot recall what is received other than something about cardiovascular conditions, which likely symbolizes the heart needing healing. Then I am disoriented and don’t know where I am or how to get home. This is similar to how I feel in life. I feel aimless most of the time and am just taking a path because it opens up to me not because I have a sense of the path I should take. The thought at the end about knowing I will get home reflects my current waking reality, too. I am just trusting I will get where I am meant to be.

The lucid dream is interesting because I give up my data seeking (computer) and also my considerations about my future needs (lunch box). Then I lose sight of the man and woman but I don’t fret about it, again reflecting my decision in waking life to just go with the flow knowing I will be provided with what I need along the way. The dirt road is a path not traveled often, maybe even a new path in this life. 

When I become lucid I recognize that I am meant to remain in the dream and let it show me what it is meant to show me. I try to go with the dream, jumping into the water (swirling but clear emotion). The man and woman at gunpoint indicates feelings of coercion and loss of control. This is also a feeling I have in waking life. I take pause and make a decision but it must not be how the dream was meant to go because I am pulled back to my body. 

I fall back to sleep after and do not become lucid in the dream. I only remember one part which was of me creating a calendar with an image on it of mountains and a path over them. The colors were red and green, so likely December. I then glued it to a pane of glass so that the image could be seen through it. 

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Vision: Firefighter Holding a Baby

Woke around 4am and had a vision of a firefighter holding a baby. I recalled in that instant that I’d seen this vision before, only forgot it. When I saw the vision I felt to be the baby. The sense was I was safe and loved. I wondered what the vision might mean and returned to sleep.

Dream: Take it Slow 

I was with a group of people traveling together. I looked at them all and saw a visual of all of us connecting at a spiritual level. This kinda looked like a huge orgy except there was no sex happening, just connection as each one would move from one to another, touch for a moment and move on. It felt right to me – like things should be. I was moving a load of what I think was bottled water when I told the group about my vision and suggested we try it. I got some brief glances from a few but it seemed no one heard me so I let it go.

The scene shifts and I am walking alone in a mall. The coloring of the scene in golden in contrast to the previous scene which was various shades of gray. My feeling is a bit sad and dejected. I feel lonely and long to express what I saw in the vision. I think I vaguely recall an older, female “teacher” there. She had short, 80’s styled blonde hair (think Jane Fonda) and she gave off mother vibes. I don’t remember direct communication from her but understood that she was there to keep me company and listen.

I noticed ahead of me a super, extra long, twin-sized bed display (think double the normal length). The top cover was disturbed and the bed needed to be made. I went up to it and pulled the comforter straight, adjusting it and making it just right. I looked it over and noticed the cover had characters on it and was brightly colored, like something a very young child might have on their bed. I laid down in the center, proud of my accomplishment. 

Out of nowhere a man approached. I recognized him (both in the dream and from other dreams). He said, “What you said before…I know you don’t think anyone heard you, but I did.” Then he sat down and held out his hand and said, “I will [connect with you]”. He gently reached over and held my hand and I looked up at him, relieved. I vaguely recall what he looked like here – light hair, long, angled features, wide eyes that were aged with laugh lines. He was plain but pleasant looking. We kissed. Awkwardly at first and then a couple more times.

The dream seems to split into two scenes at this time. In the first, we get tangled up in the newly made bed as we make out. In the other, the older female “teacher” brings us a meal to share. As we make out in the one scene, touching one another similarly to how young, inexperienced couples might, we are presented with the meal and start enjoying the meal together. I don’t remember what we ate, only that as I ate it, I could feel our mutual touching and kissing very physically. As we kissed and touched I heard a voice from within say, “Take it slow.” I understood all at once what this meant and withdrew when the electric touches (when I touched him I felt them, too!) started getting more intense, intense to the point that I knew I may not want to stop. 

When we stopped we got up and returned to the group. He reached for my hand and I took it as we joined them. The other members paused, some staring, but all smiling. One girl whispered to another, “Look”. The overall sense from the group was they were pleased. 

It honestly felt very much like I was in middle school in that moment. There was such a newness to it, like I had never kissed or touched like that before. The group’s approval was very important to me. There was fear and excitement and anticipation and nervousness and more all at once.

The scene shifts and me and the man are sitting at a table. The teacher woman is preparing to bring us another meal. For some reason the man is at another table. As the food is brought out I am shocked at how much there is. It looked like a huge plate of Chinese food, like sesame chicken. I remember thinking to myself, “That is a lot of food” and knowing the implications of it. 

The man asks the woman to help him determine how much of a white substance should be put into a drink. I recognize the white liquid to be alcoholic. The woman tells him to put it away because it was not appropriate. He listens and sets down the jug.

The woman approaches me. I have a soda in my hand and she starts to pour a black liquid into it. A bit too much falls in and she apologizes and says she will get me another drink. I take a sip. Licorice. I tell her it is just fine. I like licorice. 

The food is ready and the man and I are set to eat. I begin to feel trepidation at the sight of such a large quantity of food. I know if I start to eat it, I won’t be able to stop. 

I wake and a guide is close. We discuss the dream and its meaning. 

Interpretation

The firefighter holding the baby is symbolic of protection of innocence. A firefighter symbolizes the need for external help in dealing with overwhelming emotional situations. A baby is innocence, newness, inexperience and naivety. 

The beginning of the dreams is reminiscent of something I recall from my past, after the Kundalini and experiencing Union, albeit briefly, with another. I remember thinking, “I want to do this with everyone!” I felt that Union should be experienced by everyone and I wanted to experience it with as many people as I could. In an OBE around that time I was cautioned on being this way by having a white cloth thrown over my naked body. 

The mall scene seems to be my internal space where I feel safe. The unmade bed is indecision and lack of progress. That I make the bed indicates a willingness to move forward. The bed covering having childish images is reflection of my inexperience. Similarly, my experiences with the man reflect the newness of the experience for me and the caution I received is to warn me not to go too fast. In the past, when it went fast I got overwhelmed. The Chinese food symbolizes the desire for new experiences and adventure. Alcohol is lowering inhibitions. Licorice symbolizes the joy and the enjoying of simple pleasures in life.  

Messages

Yesterday, I had been feeling a bit down. I felt a deadness about life and wished I could once again feel alive. At that time, I passed a sign that said, “Walk-Ins Welcome”. The song playing was Alter Ego. Time slowed and I took note.

When I went to bed I asked to have the message clarified. The above dream and vision was the result. I discussed this with my guide upon waking. He was very close initially and the message I received was that I did not have to live life feeling “dead”. The dream was to show me I can still feel alive, that my desire/fire has not been extinguished. I felt I was being assisted in the regaining of what I felt I lost so many years ago. 

I addressed the fears I felt. Fear that when it (connection) happens, I will come on too intensely and scare the other person away. Or, that I might mess things up and lose the connection again like I did in the past when I had the opportunity to experience Union. Fear that it will be so overwhelming I will die (not a logical but a fear I have had since the beginning). Fear the fire will consume me to the point I will lose control and be devoured by it. But above all else, fear of the unknown – not knowing what will happen and that, in the end, I will fail.

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Dream Message: Walk-In

Went to bed asking for clarity regarding the feeling I’ve been having. 

Dreamed I was back in a school (learning) gym (discipline, strength, health) from my elementary years and my high school gradation ceremony was on the stage located in that gym. It was renovated at some point when I was in high school and the gym in the dream had not been renovated. I was walking around inside the gym with an ex-coworker of mine who I’ve had K dreams with in the past. We were talking and walking, noticing the condition of the space. I told him I recently discovered I owned the gym and relayed how I didn’t remember buying it.

The gym looked a lot like it did when I was in elementary school except more in decay (neglecting learning, health). The ceilings were super high and I remember looking up at them and then looking down at the floor which had been a nice, bright pine wood and now was graying. My friend and I walked to the back where it looked like an old cafe use to be. I actually remembered the cafe in the dream and asked about it. A woman who seemed to appear out of nowhere said it had been closed down years ago. I thought of using the bathroom (cleansing) and she told me, “Do go in the bathroom or you might fall through the floor”. She said an older gentleman had destroyed some of the tile allowing water to get into the subfloor. I mentioned to my friend how I would like to start up the cafe again. He said I could do anything I wanted and the woman said I would need a permit. The idea felt like a good one until I began to think of all the work it might take.

My friend and I sat on the floor at a round (continuum, connection) sofa table as I told him about the unsettled feeling I had been having. In the dream it felt like a demonic presence was following me. I had a bag full of tarot cards with me. I opened it and let them fall on the table. It was clear there were several decks mixed up inside. I asked my friend to help me sort them and apologized in advance for taking up his time because he seemed not to want to help. He did help, though, and began to go through the cards. Several piles began to form and I recognized some of the decks. At one point he pulled one card out and paused. I thought he was pulling the card for the other lady with us (couldn’t make her out but she seemed older) but he asked me to “read” the card. I misunderstood and read the word on the card aloud but the language it was in was unfamiliar and foreign. He said, “What does the picture tell you?” I focused in on the picture and saw it was of a person laying down and overtop of them, almost exactly superimposed except for a few inches, was another spirit-like person. I said, “It looks like the card is saying Spirit is leaving the body….or maybe it is coming into the body. [long pause] It’s a walk-in.” I Knew in the dream that the card was indicating a walk-in situation. 

My friend left the card alone in the middle of the table and I said, “It doesn’t belong to a deck.” 

The rest of the dream was me seeming to fly through the gym and then up and out of it but I could see through the walls.  I could see the entire layout. I began to image the changes I would make to it. I remember considering putting the kitchen in the front of the gym space and then told my friend I would wall off the high ceiling at around ceiling height and just leave the space at the top as is and might later put on a second floor. I also considered making it into a movie theater. 

Then my friend had to leave and I felt sad. I didn’t want him to go and asked him to stay. I got very close, so close our cheeks touched but he turned away. I told him I understood if he needed more time and he got up and began to leave.

The dream scene shifts and I am in a desert-like environment high up on some cliffs. I am walking with others. We are all dressed in long, light gray robes. I remember I had on a long, golden necklace with a cross pendant. I saw this because I was seeing myself from outside myself (memory perhaps of other times). I grabbed it and touched the cross. My friend was also there but he was ahead of the group. The sense I had was we were gathering and it had to do with something holy or divine. 

Then I was walking barefoot (seeking authenticity) through batting cages (protection). I recall how the concrete felt on my bare feet. I passed along the fence towards the exit. Others were there staring at me like I was out of place. I walked out and down a path to a parking lot. I was searching for my car (life path) but couldn’t remember what car I drove (uncertainty of life path) nor could I recall driving and parking it there. I eventually turned back around, realizing I wasn’t leaving and would have to stay the night.

I went back to the gym and many people were there including my friend. I sat down next to him with a salad (balance and nourishment) to eat. He had macaroni and cheese (need to finish tasks). I remember looking over at him and our eyes locking. The feeling was neutral. 

Eventually I walked over to a very high shelving system. It was full of produce. Some was so high I couldn’t figure out how anyone could get to it. The space felt to have partially been transformed into a grocery store (choices and needs for growth). 

Reflection

The dream seems to indicate I am returning to unfinished business. I am told more than once I can do whatever I want with the space which means I have freewill/choice. I spend some time imagining what I want and enjoy this part of the dream the most. The tarot card for me was a direct answer to a question. It was reminding me I am a Walk-in. This was accepted in the dream and I didn’t linger on it. The part where I was wearing a robe seems to have been a memory of some other time. I don’t know what to make of it. The part where I am barefoot was very memorable because of feeing the concrete cold beneath my feet and the odd environment of the batting cages. The lost car isn’t surprising. I feel a bit lost and uncertain of my path.